Who's Who of Veronica Mars —

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13ghosts

Band. How they fit into the Maria Taylor/Kim Taylor bill, we're unsure, given that they're five dudes. Aha, Maria sings on one of their songs! Indie music takes care of its own, man. They round out an advertised night of Southern rock in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

25

Lab rat monkey. His was destined to be a short life, filled with experimental pills, lab tests, and ending in an autopsy performed to determine the effectiveness of said pills. But his charming personality and alleged ability to play "Chopsticks" let 25 be put in the Animal Witness Protection Program as Oscar, destined to live a long full life filled with squeaky toys and an adoring scientist. Good thing Veronica has a soft spot for animals in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-funky-donut

2400

Either a spin-off of The 4400 in real-time format, or more likely, the impressive SAT score and nickname of a student. One of the secret conspirators of the Castle foolishly reveals one of the other pledges when addressing Wallace by this nickname. This gives Veronica Mars the unique opportunity to follow "2400" to the secret society's extremely secretive headquarters and unmask their slightly hobolicious head honcho. (No offense, Jake, but the last few years really haven't been kind on you. Must be karma.) 2400 proves to be the key to the Castle in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

22679088

The anonymous person who sent Woody Goodman an email saying "Kill incorporation or else" and an audio file of Marcos Oliveres and Peter Ferrer saying that Woody was a pedophile. Who was the anonymous person? Was it Lucky? Perhaps we can discern some clues from those numbers. Let's see.... Twenty-two is an important number in numerology. There are 22 letters in the Hebrew alphabet and 22 Major Arcana in Tarot. Plus, it's only one number off from 23, an important number in Discordianism. Sixty-seven is an irregular and lucky prime number and also the atomic number of holmium. Ninety is a unitary perfect number and a pronic number and also the code for international direct dial to Turkey. Eighty-eight is a palindromic, a primitive semiperfect, and untouchable number and also the number of constellations in the sky. It's also a code for Heil Hitler (H being the 8th letter of the alphabet) and the amount of miles per hour the deLorean in Back to the Future had to get to to travel in time. What does this say about the anonymous sender of the email? That he likes numerology, math, holmium, turkey, constellations, Michael J. Fox, and is a Nazi? Well, okay, probably not. It probably means we just have a lot of time on our hands. These numbers (unlike Lost's) don't mean a thing in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator

Aaron Echolls Action Figure

According to Veronica Mars, you probably own it. Action figures have come a long way since G.I. Joe was marketed to boys as such (as heaven forbid that they would want to play with dolls). Then came Star Wars, and a symbiotic and very successful partnership was born. If Logan's dad makes twenty million a picture, it's odds on that at least one of them spawned an action figure, much as the man himself spawned his obnoxious son who is, uh, obnoxious in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.06 1.01

Joseph Abbott

See Abbott, Joseph

Abraham

Biblical patriach and champion heterosexual. Camp SelfQuest cites the time God said to Abraham, "Smite me some queers." More or less. I may have been listening to too much Bob Dylan. There's another sinner going unsmoten in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Guy Abruti

See Abruti, Guy

Action

One of the Jet gang members in West Side Story. As Neptune goes nuclear with the 09ers and the bikers at each other's throats, Duncan and Logan go Broadway to snark at each other. Maybe they both need to remember what Riff told the explosive Action: "Boy, boy, crazy boy, get cool, boy! Got a rocket in your pocket, keep coolly cool, boy! Don't get hot, 'cause man, you got some high times ahead. Take it slow, and Daddy-O, you can live it up and die in bed!" Funny that it's Duncan who is christened Action in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."

-Inigo

Adam

Fireman, as is his friend, Eddie. Adam Horowitz, friend of creator Rob Thomas, was the inspiration, but that was before he became a writer on Lost and refused to make the show suck to dislodge its stranglehold on the ratings. Like a real friend would do. As for our fireman, we never get a clear shot of his face, but who needs a face when your tush looks so good in short shorts. Lust away, ladies. He is in action in 1.01 "Pilot."

-wyk

Adam #2

Student at Neptune High. With Justin and Owen, he ranks the female population of the school. He lusts for Sarah Kramer. She is sooo out of his league, however good his olfactory faculties. His nose twitches in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Played by Andrew Levy.

Adam #3

The first man in the Bible. He fell victim to his wife's nagging ("Try the fruit, honey! Try the fruit!") and his own male ego ("God ain't got nothin' on me!"). He made nakedness naughty but nice ("Bring me my fig leaf now, woman! What do you mean, where'd I hide yours?"). He's to blame for humanity's downfall, according to Judeo-Christian tradition. The poster on the Hearst College wall agrees in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff," and Veronica and Piz probably wish he'd left that apple alone in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo, topanga

All bios: 3.20 2.16

Ansel Adams

See Adams, Ansel

Adrianna

Big-mouthed college friend of Lianne's. Lianne stayed with her for a while, until fear of Keith and of her friend's inability to keep a secret made her run again. Veronica was too late to find her mother, but not too late to hear Adrianna's platitudes in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Played by Michelle Fabiano.

AJ

Somebody who will see Wallace later, according to Wallace's whiteboard. Presumably not Andrew Jackson, because he's dead, or Angelina Jolie, although Wallace probably wishes it was her in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Al

The uncle of Mr. Pasqual, who now resides in a retirement home in Waikiki. If this were a Shakespearean play, we would say something like, "Prithee, nuncle, tell me whether a retirement home make ye gentleman or a yeoman." But since this is not, we won't. Keith finds Al underneath a donut in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Alan

Stuttering gambler and struggling artist. Alan may not be able to say the first word of any sentence without making several abortive attempts at it, but he does know how to sell his own football team down the river for the riches it will bring. The anything-challenged and creative poor are not normally the types who are ignoble on TV shows. So hats off to Veronica Mars for giving us such an unsympathetic, opportunistic villain in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Played by Jeremiah Lorenz.

Buzz Aldrin

See Aldrin, Buzz

Thomas Alexander

See Alexander, Thomas

Henri Alfandari

See Alfandari, Henri

Muhammad Ali

See Ali, Muhammad

Alkaline Trio

Pop punk band. As you might guess, this band has three members. Each member has a pH greater than 7, with a maximum of 14. If each member is as basic as can be, then they represent a combined alkalinity of 42! Could the songs of this Chicago punk outfit be the answer to the great question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? Or are they too concerned with death, as implied by the skull on their poster seen in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes"?

-Polter-Cow

Joe Allen

See Allen, Joe

Steven Aller

See Aller, Steven

Allowance Fairy

That bastion of childlike hope, the Allowance Fairy feeds on the dreams and aspirations of little kids and spits out fifty bucks every week. In Neptune, she rarely visits non-09er kids, sending her cousin the Minimum Wage Fairy instead. Her trade secrets are revealed by Veronica in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Amber

A Veronica alias. Yes, she is a blonde, but don't let the ditzy voice fool you; beneath those curls and killer red sweater lies one of the sharpest minds in the P.I. biz. Veronica uses Amber to investigate the dirty dealings of a trust fund kid who emails strangers for money in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo, wyk

Amber #2

Victim of libel. Amber is most certainly a wonderful, sweet, and kind person. She probably helps little old ladies to cross the street and rescues kittens from trees. The fact that there are rumors impugning her good name is just another sign of the corruption of Neptune and will no doubt tie into the major mysteries of the year! Or maybe she just stole someone's boyfriend. Either way it's doubtful that Amber was informed of her status as a bitch since her none-too-bright enemy scratched this missive into the door of Cassidy's car instead of Amber's in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-public displays of lust

Martin Amis

See Amis, Martin

Anchor Person

She reads the news
with much enthus-
iasm and much amuse-
ment by showing views
of My Pretty Pony
while Desmond Fellows drinks booze.
Don't confuse
her with this lose-
r in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes Blues."

-alliterator

Played by Lee Ann Kim.

Anchor Woman

Anchors the Channel 9 newscast and reports Tim Foyle's confession of murder. She's obviously good at her job since she's able to refrain from rolling her eyes at the "T.A. Foiled" headline under Tim's picture. They must teach that kind of restraint in journalism school in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Tamika Katon-Donegal.

Duane Anders

See Anders, Duane

James Anderson

See Anderson, James

Andre

Artist with magic hands; also, partner of Sarah Williams. He likes nudes. And strange arty things. And nudes in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Played by Adam Kaufman.

Dr. Andriotti

See Andriotti, Dr.

Andy

Snitch, co-worker, law enforcement...who knows? He gives Keith a tip on a bail jumper that leads to a Mars feast of meat. An all-round good guy, Andy gave the soon-to-be-fatter bounty hunter the skinny in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Angel

Dumb and tortured vampire with a soul who...oh, wrong show. This one is no angel, but he is Weevil's uncle and has a body shop on the highway. Whether or not he'll ever give Veronica a full-service treatment remains to be seen. Angel was only mentioned in 1.01 "Pilot" but is seen in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.05 1.01
Played by Hector Atreyu Ruiz.

Angela

One of the frequenters of Mercer's Hearst College casino. She plays Texas Hold 'Em poker. She may or may not know when to fold 'em, but she knows a thing or two about how to fold her clothes, gaining a compliment on her wardrobe from that Bugsy Siegel wannabe in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Angela #2

Administrative assistant neither seen nor heard. What if Dean Cyrus O'Dell's lackey is Angela Lansbury? Taste the awesome. She and Veronica could super-sleuth together. But for now, she settles for answering the intercom in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-bethgee

Angela #3

Bank teller. The lone obstacle between Josh Barry and his small fortune in rare coins, Angela quickly accepts Josh's fake ID and lets him examine his safety deposit box in privacy. If by "privacy" you mean a room full of enormous windows. Angela is fairly clueless in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-bethgee

Played by Marcy Goldman.

Angie's Friend

The perfect audience, she approves of Angie's fraudulent tendencies and otherwise giggles a lot in 2.18 "I Am God."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Brigitte Graham.

Anna

Veronica alias. Veronica uses this name to track down the last person called from a cell phone, pretending to work for the radio station KRAC in order to get an address. Veronica promises, but does not deliver, an iPod and a K-RACing good time in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-funky-donut

Anna Grace

Mindy's boat. It calls for a song: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from the Neptune port, aboard this tiny ship. The boat she was called the Anna Grace, the owner cute as heck. A widow, she set sail that day, with a big pay-out check, a fat juicy check... The lover started getting rough, thought he was double-crossed. They fought on the decking of the Anna Grace — the widow, she was lost; the widow, she was lost. The boat moored up off the shore of this romantic beachside bar, where Hemingway, known as Papa too, would drink away all his woes. The lover, drunk, confessed his crime to Sheriff Mars, here near Hemingway's bar. So this is the tale of the Anna Grace, the lovers now has-beens. They couldn't make the best of things in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Little Orphan Annie

See Annie, Little Orphan

Anon19982

One of the names Tommy "Lucky" Dohanic used to email Woody Goodman. Anon seems to get around a lot — authors a number of famous poems, controversial letters in the newspaper and thousands of Valentine's Day cards each year. Perhaps Lucky was trying to be original here, but I think it fell flat in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-fickledame

AnonCuda411

Anonymous Person. Or is he? He responds to Veronica's ad in the Neptune Navigator about a green Barracuda, and all he seems to care about is getting the reward money deposited into his PayPal account. Turns out Mr. Anon might not be a random alcoholic or a compulsive gambler after all, but he could be Billy Greene, a PCH-er and brother of the grieving dog owner. Anon tries to a pull a fast one on Veronica in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-topanga

Ansel Adams

See Adams, Ansel

-Inigo

Apache

Much-loved dog of Harry Greene. He met an unfortunate end when he was run over by Liam Fitzpatrick. He's no Lassie yet, but that is quite a claim to fame. Perhaps it's a lucky escape from being mistakenly skewered by his archery-enthusiast owner in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-fickledame

Miranda Apfel

See Apfel, Miranda

Mrs. Applebaum

See Applebaum, Mrs.

Derek Applegate

See Applegate, Derek

Ned Applegate

See Applegate, Ned

The Aquabats

Ska band! They purport to be superheroes from the island Aquabania! All of their album and song titles end in exclamation points! They're still popular after more than a decade! That is why you can see their poster on the KRFF wall in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer"!

-Polter-Cow

The Archer

The centaur bowman that decorates the back of a dorm room door. It's no coincidence that the resident of that dorm looks like a throwback to the days of New Kids on the Block. The fine print on the poster reads:
I'm Moe, and I'm a Sagittarius
And I really, really wanna be used by only you
And I want you to only use me too.
And if this is the way it's gotta be, boy, then check me out
I wanna be used by you, Mercer
The significance is revealed in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-Inigo

Humberto Arcila

See Arcila, Humberto

Ed Argent

See Argent, Ed

Arianna

Neptune High student and animal rights activist. Supercilious, condescending and closed-minded, she leads the Students Against Animal Cruelty. Are her espoused principles genuinely felt or is she simply trying to ensure she has the monopoly on cow hide? From her dominatrix ways, we reckon there's leather next to that skin, waiting to be revealed in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Paityn James.

Ms. Armand

See Armand, Ms.

Lance Armstrong

See Armstrong, Lance

Arnold

Competes for quality time with Desmond Fellows in a My Pretty Pony trivia battle. He may have been able to pull a few facts out of his cargo shorts, and we're sure his KRFF T-shirt nabbed a few brownie points, but Arnold never stood a chance against our favorite audiophile, Piz. Arnold talks to the hand, and we resist shouting "Move it, football head!" in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Alex

Played by Jason Weissbrod.

Artez

See Artez,

Mrs. Arthur

See Arthur, Mrs.

Jack Artman

See Artman, Jack

Arturo

 

Ashley

A name on Parker's whiteboard. Is she Ashley Banks? Ashley Wilkes? Ashley Simpson? Ash from Evil Dead? Well, probably not that last one, though it would be cool. Veronica's definitely got that "good, bad, I'm the girl with the gun" vibe in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-alliterator

Ashley #2

Hearst student. She has some SERIOUS matters to discuss with W. These matters appear to be SERIOUS in a HELA fashion. While one may first think that Ashley simply did not have time to add one more L to her HELLA, we suspect that she was referring to the HeLa cell line. She's probably working in one of those labs without monkeys, and she needs Wallace to change her media. Wallace, my lad, don't forget to add the glutamine in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow

Assistant

Working for the Vice-Principal. Her important contribution to this particular story is telling Clemmons that there is a husky-voiced impostor assistant district supervisor on the phone, but this she accomplishes with fervor in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Alicia Cole.

Assistant #2

The assistant to Clarence Wiedman, Jr.. Does this make her an assistant to an assassin? Anyway, Veronica plays a prank on her by telling her that her car is being towed. She's a poor nameless assistant in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Played by Erin Cronican.

Assistant #3

Secretary to Bill Lee. San Diego's leading ensemble theatre, Lamb's (hee) Players Theatre, provides the actress who gets to tell Woody's lawyer that Woody's daughter "Gia" wants him to call her on her cell, whereby Keith used that call to track the suspected pedophile. Jennifer, who no doubt got the gig due to a last name that stands proud in the minds of the makers of VM, makes what she can of a three-second appearance in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

Played by Jennifer Austin.

Astrid

 

Robert Atkins

See Atkins, Robert

Atom Ant

Cartoon member of the Formicidae family. With the catchphrase "up and at 'em, Atom Ant," this superhero would use his fabulous strength and flying skills whilst his Saturday morning co-star, Secret Squirrel, would dig out truths with his pre-Inspector Gadget gadgets and snooping nature. Keith must see a little of the former in his skills-of- the-latter-blessed daughter. Why else would he so instruct her to rise and conquer in 1.01 "Pilot"?

-Inigo

Aubrey

One of the Ladies of the Evening who advertises "A Night or Two?" How about a week or two? She'll stay the summer through, but she's telling you that she must be...well, what's the opposite of going? Aubrey certainly seems to be advertising to that effect in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-alliterator

Jane Austen

See Austen, Jane

Average Joe

The average man. Everyman moniker for the man in the street who is smarter than Casablancas REIT investors, as is proved in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Mike B.

See B., Mike

Mary B.

See B., Mary

Ali Baba

See Baba, Ali

Baby Think-It-Over

A plastic baby. It cries and mewls like a real baby, though. It's probably a robot baby. Sex with robots is more common than you think. Ms. Hauser wants the students to know the consequences before jumping in the sack with a robot in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator

Backup

 

Bad Company

Band from the days when Keith Mars was cool. While listening to Deputy Sacks, Ex-Deputy Leo and talking to desk clerk Inga Olofson hardly puts Keith in bad company, his reading material of choice might be an entirely different matter in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-grimsqueaker

Bad Livers

Band that Sully likes. Either they espouse a life of immorality, Bad Livers, or they drink a lot, Bad Livers. Which I guess some people might say is the same thing. Either way, their poster is up in Sully's room in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-funky-donut

Gwen Bagnall

See Bagnall, Gwen

Owen Bagwell

See Bagwell, Owen

Bailiff

Your basic Law & Order-type bailiff...who's secretly having an affair with the judge! Okay, not really, but I have to spice this bio up somehow. Maybe he's related somehow to Super Huge Deputy? Well, he certaily bears no resemblance to Richard Moll in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Thomas Nelson Webb.

Boyd K. Baker

See Baker, Boyd K.

Mr. Baker

See Baker, Mr.

Rocky Balboa

See Balboa, Rocky

Baldwin Brothers

Fraternity of actors/loose cannons. Maybe Wallace thinks it's the early '90s, when William Baldwin was still a hot commodity, Stephen Baldwin had yet to find Jesus, and Alec Baldwin was years away from a headline-making custody battle. Daniel? Well, there was never anything nice to say about Daniel. At any rate, Veronica doesn't want to engage in a rap session about any of the Baldwin gang in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

Bambi

Not Thumper's companion but rather the chickie who was chatting up Chip Diller at the Pi Sig party. Veronica warns her that Chip might rape her, but she doesn't look that concerned in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Bambi_Gasm

Internet handle for an escort from premiereescorts.biz. Man, if there's two things that shouldn't be combined, it's cute animated deer and sex. Although, using Bambi as a handle could just be code for something....Did you guys know that Bambi the cartoon, despite the feminine appearance, is actually a boy deer? Bambi_Gasm is surprising in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut

Band Dork

Neptune High Student. He's decked out in school colors while watching Wallace's flagpole humiliation and volunteers that "the bikers did it." Given this insider information, one would think he could have told the PCHers how to spell "snitch" correctly… Or not. This Pirate gazes in fear in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Chris Wiley.

Debbie S. Bankhead

See Bankhead, Debbie S.

Mr. Banks

See Banks, Mr.

Priscilla Banks

See Banks, Priscilla

Ashley Banks

 

Barb

Assistant to Roger Hearst. She's attentive, hardworking, and probably one more unreturned phone call to Evan away from going postal on her unappreciative boss. Sadly, we don't get to see that in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-leila6

Played by Emily Happe.

Michael Barbary

See Barbary, Michael

Barbie

A doll. There are academic works about Barbie's effects on American suburban culture. It's a doll! The name is also synonymous with blonde bimbo airheads whose bosoms far exceed gravity's ability to keep them upright — which is fine because they are more accustomed to the prone position anyway. Mac explains her name was a toss up between this and Cindy in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb," and the small-breasted Veronica brushes off the inappropriate insult in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.10 1.11

Deputy Barker

See Barker, Deputy

Gregory Barker

See Barker, Gregory

Matt Barone

See Barone, Matt

Sam Barrie

See Barrie, Sam

Coach Tom Barry

 

Bobby Barry

See Barry, Bobby

Mrs. Kathleen Barry

 

Josh Barry

 

Drew Barrymore

See Barrymore, Drew

Baseball Player

NHS jock and asswipe. He had a friend who died on the bus, he's got a weak curve ball, even if it doesn't stop him hitting the target and dunking Jackie Cook in the water at Winter Carnival, and he's mean to gay guys...uh...Dick in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough" and 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.14 2.13
Played by Jason McMahon.

Bass Player

One of Leo's jam session buddies. Keith brings some much needed excitement to his life of *cough* sex, drugs and rock'n'roll in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-grimsqueaker

Played by David Kyl-Brown.

Steven Batando

 

Batman

The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. Na na na na na na na na, Batman! and his life partner in crimefighting Robin (can you feel the HoYay?) roam around Gotham City at night protecting its citizens from the likes of the Joker, Two-Face, and a woman in a skin-tight catsuit. Max said that he and Chelsea discussed how much Batman's Batplane looked like a Cylon Raider in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-alliterator

Kevin Battle

See Battle, Kevin

Bauhaus

English rock band. First in gothic rock and in Max's heart. Bauhaus is best known for their single "Bela Lugosi's Dead," which was made popular by Tony Scott's lesbian vampire flick, The Hunger. Max shows his love for gloomy post-punk and/or vampire erotica in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-starxdsparrow

Mr. Baylor

See Baylor, Mr.

Beast

Monster. The story of Beauty and the Beast is really great, see, because there's this scary, horrific beast who is but a soft, loving prince inside, and then there's this total hunk, right, who is sooo hot OMG and yet in his heart is an utter brute! It's, like, totally profound and stuff. But here on Veronica Mars, everyone is always exactly what they appear to be outside, so let's just look at this pretty picture of the dignified and classy Principal Moorehead for the rest of this entry. It's super tough to find a beauty and a beast hobnobbing in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove

The Beatles

In the words of a myopic judge, a "popular beat combo" of the sixties. Or, you know, the biggest (and some, like Keith Mars, say greatest) band of all time. Two members are dead now, but we hate Madison, so we're not going to quibble over the soundness of Veronica's conclusion that if Madison's parents really loved her, they would have gotten the real Beatles to play "Birthday" for her in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb." Former rock star Desmond Fellows acknowledges their influence (or decides to eschew leg irons) ...eventually in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Inigo

All bios: 3.17 1.11

Beauty

Nice to look at. Trina tells Veronica that the NHS drama department is lacking in pretty girls; one can't help but wonder how that dearth impacted upon the school production of Beauty and the Beast. The truth is ugly in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove

Becker

Neptune High student and victim of Cap'n Krunk and Imitation Crab. According to the radio pirates, this boy is so hideous and stupid, he has to force himself on his dates to get some. Maybe he should ask Dick Casablancas for tips on how to resolve this problem. Becker gets a bad rep in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-grimsqueaker

Samuel Beckett

See Beckett, Samuel

Becky

Zeta Theta Beta sister. Her father is a dermatologist, which means she's got the cortisone hook-up for all the other sisters. Diane Ruggiero could have used Becky's dad's assistance at Rob Thomas's wedding, but, sadly, Becky and her dad are both fictional characters in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Polter-Cow

Beefy Resident

Hearst student who resides in Benes Hall. He comes running when he hears Parker Lee yelling "rape," asks some Excellent Questions of Mercer Hayes, and yet lets Mercer walk away. Hello, Beefy Resident? When someone has a a bleeding leg wound and scratches on his face and has just been accused of rape, don't let him walk away, mm-kay? Beefy Resident is all talk and no action in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by David Blue.

Wilson Behan

 

Cathy Belben

See Belben, Cathy

Harold Bell

See Bell, Harold

Beau Bellanfant

See Bellanfant, Beau

Jerome Bellows

See Bellows, Jerome

Ben

Corrupt ATF agent. Doesn't the ATF have a height requirement? 21 Jump Street meets Training Day meets May sweeps stunt casting when Ben plays high school student to investigate a potential bomber. He's on the wrong track, but failure is not an option, so he doesn't let that put a dent in his arrest record. Yucky guy. Now if they had managed to get Johnny Depp or Denzel Washington, one might have been slightly more sympathetic when Logan started pummelling his face. But a Home Improvement survivor? We cheered in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Ben #2

Hearst College student. He lives off-campus with Wang Yi, the alleged rapist who turns out to be Claire's boyfriend. Ben inspires Veronica's classic WTF face in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Joshua Arden.

Nasir Ben Hafayid

See Ben Hafayid, Nasir

Elizabeth Bennet

See Bennet, Elizabeth

Bernie

Unsubtle reporter. Bernie's mission: to acquire personalized information about the bus crash from Wallace Fennel. He tries to be as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, but he only manages to lose his notepad's top page to Wallace in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker, alliterator

Played by Marty Ryan.

Halle Berry

See Berry, Halle

Berto

A PCHer. Possibly infamous for tripping breakers, or so says Weevil. Though if he was the only person besides Weevil when the 09ers attacked, we're thinking they said to him, "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator

Bessie

A cow. I'm sure she wasn't as sexy as Kendall, just as I'm sure Kendall doesn't have six nipples, but Logan compares the two anyway in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Beth

Teenaged-looking newspaper reporter. Taking a page out of ATF agent Ben's book, Beth goes undercover at Neptune High to catch a big fish of a story. Unfortunately for her, she hits Terrence Cook's Porsche in the process and becomes a target of Wallace's detective skills. He shows that Veronica has taught him well in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Lindsey Tusing.

Betsy

Servant of the Dashwood family in Austen's Sense and Sensibility, a filmed version of which plays in the background of Neptune's modern take on 'Tis a Pity She's a Whore. Whilst the increasingly impoverished Dashwoods must scale down their living standards, they could never part with Betsy or Thomas. Betsy carries the key to the silver cabinet, and her sterling qualities are implied by the choice to retain her in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Inigo

Betty

A Veronica alias. She's blonde and curly and oh-so-peppy. The students at Pan High think Betty is freakin' hot; the students at Neptune High think Veronica is so not. What in the world is wrong with the 09ers?! Off-the-cuff adoption of this name was inspired by meeting Archie lookalike Richie in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo, wyk

Beverly

Secretary of Woody Goodman. Rolling her eyes at her boss, snarking at Logan Echolls, smiling at Keith Mars, and surviving the episode make this model's government worker's guest spot a tad more successful than those of rental car desk clerk Stacy and journalism teacher Leslie Dumass. No wonder Beverly's a winner in 2.17 "Plan B."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Furonda Brasfield.

Bianconsino

See Bianconsino,

Biff

One of Veronica's imaginary friends. When Meg and Duncan sit down with her, Veronica bids Biff move his butt in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Big Al

Victim of the Neptune High School bus tragedy? At the one temporary memorial of most interest to the Hawaiian-shirted man is the message, "Goodbye Big Al." The driver's name was Ed, Ms. Dumass wasn't big, Cervando doesn't contract easily into Al, and Meg isn't gone. Who the hell is Big Al? Is the death of another biker noted in 2.02 "Driver Ed"?

-Inigo

Big Boy

Pi Sigma-ite. His name is written large in a Comic Sans-eque print, yet his score is but a mediocre 100. I could make all sorts of joke about size and overcompensation, but the fact that he is involved in a contest where he gets numerical scores for the girls naive or drunk enough to sleep with him sort of makes all my jokes for me. Big Boy is a sad example of humanity in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Big Brother

Dictator/figurehead. He's watching you. Right now, really. While you're doing that math problem. 2 + 2? Can you puzzle that one out? It's 5, dude. 2 + 2 = 5. Believe it, man. Big Brother said so. Logan has always been at war with Veronica in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Big John and the Loveladies

Band. We really don't want to think about where John got his nickname and why he has so many Loveladies, so instead we'll make fun of his poster on the wall of a Hearst hallway. It looks to be made using Crayola markers. This is college, guys! Can't you just make fliers, like the one next to your poster that "seek[s] a bassist"? Hey, that's not you guys, is it? Are you bassless? Perhaps my accusations are baseless in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow

Big! Dave

Pi Sigma Sigmoron. Not one to be bound by petty things like "convention" or "punctuation," Big! Dave takes exclamation points to a whole new level. Veronica would probably want to know, though: sure, it's Big! — but is it Legendary!? Judging by B!D's paltry score of 110, it's a safe bet that this hog is no match for the greats. Size matters in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Bigfoot

Legendary ape-like beast. Reports of Bigfoot sightings are often dubious and sometimes accompanied by conveniently blurry or indistinct photos, so we seriously doubt that there is actually a—holy crap, look over there! It's Bigf—oh, too late. You missed him. Lamb thinks we can safely cross Bigfoot off the list of rape suspects in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-misskiwi

Biggles

See Biggles,

Bill

Chief of the Neptune Fire Department. Veronica's jailbait in more than one sense when she persuades him to commit a little petty larceny and tamper with evidence in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Played by Tom McCafferty.

Jack Billet

See Billet, Jack

Billy

Pan High School mascot. You'll never guess what Billy is. Go on. Give it a go. An eiderdown duck? No, that's not it. A lemur? Come on! You're not even trying. An antelope? Closer, but no cigar. Billy is a...goat. Cool, huh? Billy Goat Gruff has it a bit rough in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Billy #2

A roadie for The Unwashed, we assume, since he was selling their CDs at the door of Winston's. Perhaps he is a kid or a goat or perhaps he is just the assistant of a schoolteacher-turned-president who stupidly tragically met his death. Or maybe not. One can never tell in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Osama bin Laden

See bin Laden, Osama

Biology Teacher

An educator in the birds and the bees, and the snakes and the ladders of life. Yes, it's Buddy's buddy, the teacher who thinks feeding live rats to pythons is suitable entertainment at Neptune High. He has to find something to do to distinguish himself as his roll call is a little on the dry side, and not in a Rowan Atkinson way, in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-Inigo

Played by David Patrick Green.

Bird Dawg

Fraternity nickname of Andrew "Drew" Barndale. It figures that someone with life ambitions seemingly underscoring even Dick's would want to name himself after an animal whose greatest achievements are panting and retrieving dead fowl. Drew sucks at puns in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Carrie Bishop

 

Bizen

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Bizen is a city in Japan famous for pottery. Piz is a college DJ in California known for talking too much. Yeah, we see the connection. Desmond keeps us guessing with the geographically referential nicknames in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Black Eyed Peas

Not a much-abused vegetable, but a hip-hop group that was the first to ask, "Where is the love?" They were fallin' up in the BEP Empire over weekends when they got original. They don't lie when they pump it and say, "Hey mama, shut up." Veronica doesn't phunk with their heart in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-alliterator

The Black Heart Procession

An indie rock back from San Diego. Piz has a poster of them in his room. They have a unique sound for an indie band, with electric keyboards, samplers, and even a saw. Unfortunately, the only procession of black hearts is Mercer and Moe fleeing the scene in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Black Licorice

Piz's band. He claims to that he doesn't want a radio DJ gig just to get exposure for his band. With a name like Black Licorice — which he describes as being "dark and moody, but at the same time, it's candy" — they're going to need all the help they can get in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-funky-donut

BlackCat70

Screen name for a groupie. As a fan of My Pretty Pony, this chatstress took Desmond's suggestion to "surprise [him]" while he was in town literally, awaiting him in his hotel room clad only in leopard-print lingerie after climbing down from the balcony above on a sheet. Unfortunately, this vixen was not the vixen Desmond was looking for, as she was actually of age. Her real-life alter-ego is a boring assistant professor of Chinese, but Blackcat70 still knows how to walk on the wild side in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-funky-donut

BlackCat80

My Pretty Pony fan and Desmond Fellows groupie. One can see how Desmond got confused, what with the similarity in names between this nubile young thing and BlackCat70. Desmond is disappointed not to be surprised by BlackCat80 in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-funky-donut

Selma Blair

See Blair, Selma

William Blake

See Blake, William

Ms. Blank

See Blank, Ms.

Lloyd Blankenship

 

Blind Date #1

A rather ditzy lady who thinks Keith may have taken a shine to her. Oh, hon, you're no Alicia. Or Rebecca, for that matter. You seem sweet enough, but it's entirely possible that the desperate vibe you're sending out could be why the dating service "It's Just Coffee" didn't work for you. Blind Date doesn't get lucky with Keith in 2.18 "I Am God."

-funky-donut

Played by Lizzie Murray.

Blind Date #2

A blind date of Keith's. She apparently enjoys indulging in extensive criticism, talking about her ex-husband, and making really off-base comparisons soon after meeting her dates. One cannot imagine why she, of all people, needs a dating service! She suggests a bit of change for Keith in 2.18 "I Am God"

-public displays of lust

Played by Anne L Nathan.

Blind Date #3

Office manager for a local doctor. Keith finally stumbles upon the Ms. Right who can lead him to the doctor who's been diagnosing Neptune High students with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as long as they can turn their heads and cough up the $1000 "co-pay" for his services. Ms. Right outs the Good Doctor 2.18 "I Am God.".

-topanga

Played by Jacleen Haber.

Blinky

A name Veronica calls Thumper. What's in a name? Blinky is the name of the main character in a magazine serial by Gene Markey, yes. It also spawned an Edward Sedgwick, comedic Western/cavalry film from the 1920s. But neither of these can really explain why Veronica thought this was Thumper's name in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-BepperGirl

Julie Bloch

See Bloch, Julie

Blonde Female Caller

Fan of Desmond Fellows'. From mere feet away in the caf, this former My Pretty Pony follower calls Piz's radio show for a chance to chat with her idol. Perhaps she's a super-recent henna convert, because while clearly a redhead (and referenced as such), the credits bill her as "blonde female caller." Offered the role of groupie (or at least invited to humor everyone with a quick flash), her delusions of Desmond's grandeur are quickly dashed in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

Played by Abby Miller.

Judge Bloom

See Bloom, Judge

Rebecca Bloom

See Bloom, Rebecca

Benjamin Bloom

See Bloom, Benjamin

Samuel Bloom

See Bloom, Samuel

Blue Oyster Cult

Band whose biggest hit, "(Don't Fear) The Reaper," featured on Keith's 8-track in 1977 (and on Veronica Mars). For Keith, this is proffered as proof that he was cool. For the rest of us, this is incontrovertible proof that he is in the grips of a fever and the only prescription is...more cowbell!! Will Ferrell's Gene Frenkle's legacy lives on in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Blue Stripper

Stripper who...wears blue pants? Or maybe her name is actually Blue. Or both. Either way, she was quite offended when Tim suggested that she and her friend might have bummed a cigarette from a stranger. I mean, come on: taking your clothes off and dancing around a pole while men shove singles in your G-string is one thing, but smoking? A girl's got to have some standards and self-respect in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Nikki McCauley.

Judy Blume

See Blume, Judy

Bo Peep

Nursery rhyme character or Lamb's favored casual wear. Come on, Lambie. We'll come peeking in your windows to see you play with your crook anytime, even though you were a little busy in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Bob

Imaginary house vendor. Ever the pragmatist, Weevil responds to the math problem of Bob selling houses at a 5% commission by suggesting that Bob should find something more lucrative to sell. Oh, how we wish that Francis's agent was as diligent in maximizing his client's screen time as Weevil is in maximizing his profit margin in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Bob #2

Student at Neptune High and Jane Kuhne's chauffeur friend. Bob is at the loser's end of the who-wants-to-get-into-whose-pants dance that is high school. Carrying Jane's books and driving her around is no substitute for the allure of basketball star Wallace Fennel in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Bob #3

Frisbee-playing Hearst College student. How pleasant, bobbing along, bobbing along with a Frisbee on the beautiful college green. What a chance to get a better peep at the near-nude creature in his sleep. Bob glides, tripping o'er the Pi Sigs' pride, obscene though the knickers make the scene...it's lovely, bobbing along, bobbing along to find Diller on the beautiful college green. Lucky for Chip, it wasn't a bedknob or a broomstick up his ass in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

Played by Colin Kim.

Bobcat

Name Logan is not allowed to call Veronica when her Dad is around. We really wonder why Logan shouldn't use this charming nickname, because after all, how could a reference to a feral feline be construed to mean something not entirely innocent? Young Mr. Echolls gives us more insight into this steamy relationship than anyone could ever wish for in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker

Humphrey Bogart

See Bogart, Humphrey

Niehls Bohr

See Bohr, Niehls

Sondra Bolan

See Bolan, Sondra

The Bomb

Choice of nickname of one of the PiSS dwellers at Hearst College. Aw. How cute is that? He made the O like a bomb. Colored it in and everything. What a great guy! And how tacky in a town that lost eight of its citizens to one. Jerk. Check out his claimed chick score in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

Bombero

Pi Sigma-ite. Did this wannabe Don Juan also wannabe a throwback to the '90s like his fratmate The Bomb or did he just want to be called "fireman" only with more Latin flavor? Of course, judging by his rather sad score of 50, perhaps other people started calling him that because of his ability to single-handedly put out the fires of, er, passion? The origin of this jerk's nickname is a mystery in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Jon Bon Jovi

See Bon Jovi, Jon

James Bond

See Bond, James

Barry Bonds

See Bonds, Barry

Bone Head

A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. His head is made of bones—gosh, these frat boys are smart. Or maybe Bone Head is not so smart. Or maybe he's a paleontology major. Or maybe he's just really horny. Anyone's guess is as good as ours in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Bookish Female TA

Cute, giggly teaching assistant at Hearst who seems to think fixing a thermostat is worthy of undying adoration. It's hard to blame a nerdy lit student, though, for falling under Weevil's gruff, manly, wrong-side-of-the-tracks, former-gang-leader spell in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-ninamazing

Played by Jessica Aerin Hughes.

Daniel Boone

See Boone, Daniel

Preston Boone

See Boone, Preston

Bootsy

PCH biker. Much like the Sith, the PCH bikers seem to thrive on giving their members silly nicknames: after a bug and a Bambi character, we now get a footwear fetishist. Despite his remarkable moniker, Bootsy is rather anonymous, given that he wears the trademark badass biker helmet. Bootsy is seen, not heard, in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!" and talked about, not seen, in 2.11 "Donut Run.".

-grimsqueaker, Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.11 2.08

Border Patrol Official

One of the many valiant officers responsible for patrolling our borders against illegal aliens...or rich 09ers kidnapping their illegimate babies. Unfortunately, this agent (who must be pulling double time, 'cause it looks like he's a customs agent too) is foiled by his evil archnemesis: traffic. This agent looks nothing like Hugo Weaving in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-alliterator

Played by Chris Salcedo.

Boris

A love interest? Lianne's final guess as to the identity of her daughter's mysterious boyfriend, the selection of which finally forces Veronica to 'fess up in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Boy

Jackie Cook's two-year-old son. Kid's screwed, of course, not knowing his mother from his grandmother. If his life truly follows in the path trod by Bobby Darin, he'll have a good time, marry and divorce an ingénue who makes her name in re-make of Gidget, then die at the age of thirty-seven. Or not. It's a little hard to tell based on events in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

Played by Rajkumar Gross.

Boy at Keyboard

Neptune High student. The Silent Bob to the chattier Favorite Band Sucks T-Shirt, our boy doesn't do much besides sitting and staring at a video featuring the dead but still fabulous Lilly Kane in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Mark Styles.

Boy George

Singer, songwriter, and flamboyantly gay leader of the eighties band Culture Club. Tad thinks he is insulting Seth by calling him Boy George. All he really does is draw further attention to the poo he wrote/sang for Carmen. Besides, you can bet your bottom dollar that George doesn't have Seth's name tattooed on his back like Tad in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo

Danny Boyd

 

Boyz II Men

Rap group that was most famous in the '90s. You'd think after ten years of being around, they would change their name to Men II Older Men. Veronica goes from telling-Sheriff Don Lamb-she-was-their-back-up-singer Happy II seeing-Logan-put-her-in-the-rear -view-mirror Sad in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator

Jennifer Bradbury

See Bradbury, Jennifer

Keith Bradley

See Bradley, Keith

A Brady

See Brady, A

Brant

Assistant to Budd Rose. He's pushy, rude, snotty, and a snappy dresser: what more could a guy ask for in an assistant? Well, stroking your hair while you're sleeping and throwing a jealous fit because you're still married to your wife might be a little over the top. Not that there's anything wrong with that...actually, there's something very wrong with that in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-misskiwi

Played by Brian Kimmet.

Donnie Brasco

See Brasco, Donnie

Bratty Little Girl

Daddy's little devil. She leaves purple gum on seats, snarks on Veronica, and wears Lilly's necklace. Can someone get this kid in the next Problem Child sequel? At least then we won't see her in any episode besides 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Rachel Rogers.

April Breck

See Breck, April

Brent

The invisible man, apparently, or at least a Milford graduate. A Dandy Warhol and probably a close relative of Sue Storm, Brent has taken it upon himself to hide among the other minor speaking roles, but still appears in the credits just to spite us. Oh, Brent, you rascal! We used to be friends! Brent is neither seen nor heard in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Brent DeBoer.

Brer Rabbit

The main character in the folktales of Uncle Remus, as collected by Joel Chandler Harris. Brer Rabbit is the amiable trickster who, when trapped by Brer Fox, begs not to be thrown into the briar patch. This is exactly what the silly fox does, enabling Brer Rabbit to escape. Lamb has read the story and delights in avoiding Veronica's trap of telling him that Duncan's not in Mexico. But Veronica is a really tricky trickster and counts on him avoiding her trap, thus entrapping him more in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-Inigo

Brett

Leader of the paintballers. Though Brett is not his real name, that's the moniker Veronica saddles him with when she accuses him of vandalizing Babylon Gardens. Consider yourself lucky you aren't Towelie, Brett. Brett's mischief making (and random paintball shootings) is brought to an end by Veronica in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Kunal Sharma.

Brian

Aaron's tennis coach. A cool dude that Aaron will discuss anything in front of, so long as it's not adultery. Aaron and Brian practice in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Brian #2

Brother of an indiscreet hospital worker. This is how gossip works. Brian's brother tells Brian. Brian tells Ashley. Ashley tell Carrie. Carrie tells Susan. Veronica eavesdrops to discover that Duncan is loony-tunes bonkers. All good fun in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo

Brian #3

Best roommate a guy could have — or something. Max has Brian and Fred to thank for his heartbreak, since they just couldn't live with themselves knowing that Brian was rooming with a *gasp* virgin! Something had to be done to remedy the situation, so they sent Chelsea his way — and then got pissed off when they learned what really happened that magical night at Comic-Con — in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-fulfilled

Played by Richard Keith.

Nash Bridges

See Bridges, Nash

Bridget

Friend of Caitlin Ford. Poor girl. In what is becoming something of a cliché, the private phone number of one of Paris Hilton's mates is disclosed to the world in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.20 1.02

Bridget #2

Dog owner. Her toy spaniel Louie is dognapped by the notorious Balboa Cartel and her offer of $100 is insufficient to secure his return. Veronica comes to the rescue by upping the reward and Wallace gets to return Louie to a grateful Bridget. As he hoped, she is hot, grateful and single...for someone in their sixties. Wallace needs a girlfriend, so it's a shame this May-December romance never gets off the ground in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Played by Virginia Hawkins.

Cora Briggs

 

Miss Brightside

See Brightside, Miss

Britt

Karaoke singer who bears an uncanny resemblance to the lead singer of Spoon. After Veronica pours Britt a cup of coffee, he serenades her with his rendition of "Veronica." Aww, what a sweetie. Unfortunately for Lars, his fickle gal also becomes smitten by Britt's sweetness and total bed-head hair in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-wyk

Played by Britt Daniel.

Jason Brock

See Brock, Jason

Brodie

One of the Pi Sigma Sigma pledges that was a naked waiter at the Zeta Theta Beta party. He may have a large comic book collection and go on to host the Tonight Show or possibly become the sheriff of a beachside town terrified by a shark. Or maybe not. But here's the question: is a stinkpalm worse than a trip to the dentist? We'll never know, since Brodie's only mentioned in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-alliterator

Mr. Brody

See Brody, Mr.

Brooklyn Dan

Namesake of the diner where Jackie and her mom work. Hmm, I wonder where this diner could be possibly located? This not-so-subtle diner name is just another in a long line of anvilicious writing in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-wyk

Paul Brooks

See Brooks, Paul

Pierce Brosnan

See Brosnan, Pierce

Steve Broussard

See Broussard, Steve

Big John Brown

See Brown, Big John

John Brown

See Brown, John

Bobby Brown

See Brown, Bobby

Jacob Bruce

See Bruce, Jacob

Anthony Brundige

See Brundige, Anthony

Pat Bryant

See Bryant, Pat

Bubbles

Michael Jackson's former chimpanzee. No, seriously, that's not a euphemism. Bubbles was MJ's pet chimp/date to the red carpet/housekeeper for many years until he became violent and was sent to live on an animal ranch. Poor Bubbles. Veronica implies her father is her "monkey with connections" by calling him this in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Buckcherry

An L.A. rock and roll band with songs that get strippers in a fighting mood. Catholic School Girl complains bitterly that her seniority gives her first refusal in song choices and that Tory can't claim the band wrote one specially for her. Now this, of course, all depends on whether Tory is an alias for Buck Cherry, the notorious Hollywood transvestite who used to bum cigarettes from that band and from whom they took their name. Somebody, possibly masquerading as John Enbom, knew their rock history in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Bucko

Dog. One of the missing pedigrees, he is enjoying the hospitality of Balboa Animal Control. He is rescued in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Bud

One of Inga's pets...or possibly her husband. It is hard to be sure, as Lamb interrupts her gossiping with Keith, much to her displeasure, in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Buddy

Snake not on a plane. In fact, this snake is positively grounded, stuck in a high school biology class. He lives on a steady diet of rats because whole-animal cuisine is where it's at. An attempt to feed him processed rat meat shaved into thin, sprinkle-ready portions would be met with "I've had it with these flakes!" Despite all his rage, he will still eat a rat in a cage in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-Polter-Cow

Jenny Budosh

 

Warren Buffet

See Buffet, Warren

Buffy

The name Fern Delgado uses when "Veronica" is too hard to remember. It's a mistake, for that name has a particular resonance with our chosen one. Veronica isn't just going through the motions, for she has a theory when she finds the bunnies that left Chip a Keister egg. If they're together, the Lilith House girls are the mustard under the spell of revenge, even if they'll never tell. Male rape isn't a parking ticket, but Veronica may let this one rest in peace as deserved punishment — a dawn's lament for Patrice Pitrelli. No matter what you feel about it, Veronica may well be standing up for rough justice, if not wholesale faked rapes, for she's walked through the fire and knows that humiliation isn't something to sing about. Question is, where does she go from here after 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's"?

-Inigo

Evelyn Bugby

See Bugby, Evelyn

Bugs Bunny

Cartoon wabbit. The bunny's wacky exploits are brought to mind as Veronica visits the Shark Field stadium site and checks out what's up...shock!...in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

Apollo Bukenya

See Bukenya, Apollo

C. Bundrick

See Bundrick, C.

Adam Bunting

See Bunting, Adam

Dr. Burns

See Burns, Dr.

C. Montgomery Burns

See Burns, C. Montgomery

William S. Burroughs

See Burroughs, William S.

Steve Buscemi

See Buscemi, Steve

George W. Bush

See Bush, George W.

Bush Twin

One of the twin daughters of President George W. Bush. As a brunette, Gia might align herself more closely with Barbara than with blonde Jenna, but as both have a flair for the public drunkenness, sluttiness, and minor scandals that Gia is heir to (now that Daddy is Neptune's commander-in-chief), hair color is probably the least of her concerns. Gia looks to emulate one or the other of them in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Buster

Corruptible German Shepherd. He will roll over for a pretty girl. This may be the reason why the sheriff's department has left him in the kennels since 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Butch

See Butch,

Melinda Button

See Button, Melinda

Heather Button

See Button, Heather

Buzz

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Probably the most affectionate nickname Desmond could have chosen, as a buzz is most notably the beginning stages of blissful intoxication — the state in which Desmond seems most content. Desmond teases Piz because he cares in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Leisa Byley

See Byley, Leisa

Mrs. Cable-Graham

See Cable-Graham, Mrs.

Julius Caesar

See Caesar, Julius

Nicolas Cage

See Cage, Nicolas

Christine Cagney

See Cagney, Christine

Calexico

Alternative country band from Tucson. Or indie rock band from Tucson. Anyone else wish that music genre-deciders would make up their bloody minds? Or better yet, that music genres would just dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Ahem. Sorry. Issues. Anyway, Max's "friend" Fred may not have a lot going for him, but he is wholly redeemed in this writer's view by having a Calexico poster on the wall in his dorm room, because Calexico are fab. Seriously fab. This is from someone who doesn't like country music as a rule. The covers of "All Tomorrow's Parties" and "Wild Horses," performed with Iron & Wine playing on my iTunes now are so stunningly beautiful that I am reduced to incoherent babbling, just like Fred...isn't really in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Inigo

Caligula

Roman emperor of questionable morals. Depraved and cruel, he was deposed after only four years, making way for his stuttering old uncle Claudius. Man, that Caligula. Veronica's quick thinking results in the one character in history whom Keith might actually think is a worse person to come home and find his daughter with than Eli "Weevil" Navarro in 2.17 "Plan B."

-Inigo

Harry Callahan

See Callahan, Harry

Tina Callas

 

Isobel Campbell

See Campbell, Isobel

Loretta Cancun

See Cancun, Loretta

Ms. Canning

See Canning, Ms.

Cap'n Krunk

Trash-talking radio alter-ego of Marcos Oliveres. Mild-mannered and kinda gay by day, Marcos cut the edge and pushed the envelope by night in discussing such vital topics as "Who's Our Hottest Prostitute?" and "Sloots 'R You." His greatest act of counterculture rebellion, though, has to be naming himself after a guy on a cereal box. Arrr! The late great pirate is sorely missed, sort of, in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Bonnie Capistrano

 

Reverend Ted Capistrano

See Capistrano, Reverend Ted

Al Capone

See Capone, Al

Truman Capote

See Capote, Truman

Captain of Industry

Member of the jury. With that name, he sounds like a superhero. Well, okay, a corporate superhero. But the way he acts, he seems more like a supervillain. Or maybe a regular villain. Anyway, first he wants to make Veronica forewoman, but then he's all "You can't convict these two rich 09ers!" Finally, he goes from hero to villain to pain in the...buttocks when he only concedes to their conviction knowing that it will be overturned. The Captain needs to shut it in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Robert Curtis Brown.

Captain/Admiral Moneybags

Nickname for Logan. Jeff Ratner attempts to insult Logan by calling him Captain Moneybags, but Logan promptly promotes himself to Admiral. Logan's wealth isn't a secret in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-funky-donut

Car Wash Boss

The owner of Jumbo's Clown Wash. We don't know if his name is Jumbo or if he is just using bad punctuation to say that there is a Jumbo Clown washing cars. Although why you would want a Jumbo Clown washing cars is a mystery. A creepy, creepy mystery. Anyway, he's mean to Weevil and calls him "cholo," but what do you expect from someone who doesn't even put the word "car" in his car wash business? The Winchester brothers might need to make a pit stop in Neptune to take care of this guy in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-alliterator

Played by John Sylvain.

Carl

Room service waiter at the Neptune Grand. His waistcoat is more sumptuous than the Presidential Suite, which says a lot about hotel standards. Discreet and polite, Carl lifts the lids off dinners in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Inigo

Carl #2

Capistrano Ministry worker. The sight of Logan's toenails was the final straw. He resigned from his job as a waiter at the Neptune Grand. He applied for a job at the latest variation of Starbucks to open in Neptune and was happy to get an interview. Dressed in his Sunday best, he headed for Cappuccino Minibars. Dyslexia led him to the headquarters of the Rev. Ted. Both declared it an act of God, a match in heaven was made, and Carl found his true calling...humping boxes and still not getting a line. Kidding. It's probably not the same guy in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo

Carl #3

Concerned member of the Neptune Homeowners' Association. He throws around what appears to be the Homeowners' Association's considerable weight, leaning on Keith to get results in the robbery cases before the impending election. If Carl thinks Vinnie would be a better sheriff, he obviously isn't as smart as he thinks he is in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Steve Bean.

Carlita

One of the help. She should feel honored that someone as important as Lynn Echolls would even bother learning her name. She teeters on the edge to ensure that there are no bald patches on the Christmas tree for a super-duper 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo, wyk

Carlita #2

One of Veronica's imaginary friends. When Meg and a reluctant Duncan join her for lunch, she asks Carlita to make room in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Judge Carlton

See Carlton, Judge

Kevin Carney

See Carney, Kevin

Caroler #1

Here we come a-wassailing
among the leaves so green

This grinning caroler seems as fascinated with his singing partner, Caroler #2, as he is with the holiday tune they perform. Either he's already had his share of wassail, or he's wondering how much wassail it will take before she sheds that prim, Victorian costume of hers. He is hopeful in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Kevin James Brando.

Caroler #2

Even though she and her colleagues try hard, their inspired Christmas singing can't beat the entertainment value of Aaron Echolls getting stabbed by a jealous ex-fling in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Cara Christensen.

Caroler #3

Rosy-cheeked and full of cheer, this caroler attempts to bring Christmas joy in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Chris Christensen.

Caroler #4

Is this a television show or a commercial for tooth bleaching? This caroler shows off her pearly whites in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Shannon Beth Coogan.

Caroler #5

A true professional, this singer braves Victorian costumes, fake snow, and ridiculously low pay to practice his craft in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Robert Matthew Hoglund.

Caroler #6

She'd probably rather be elsewhere, but alas, in Neptune, even holidays are only for the rich. Pity the singer in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Helen Taylor Ryu.

Caroler #7

The shortest of the bunch, she proves that powerful voices can be housed in small bodies. This tiny diva sings her heart out in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Sandra Rice.

Caroler #8

Are the mischievous grin and seductive eyebrow raising part of the choreography? This caroler must be practicing for his upcoming date in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Philip A. Tesoro.

Carrie

Teen witch without the cuteness. No Willow or Sabrina, Carrie is horribly bullied by nasty high schoolers and John Travolta. They fix the prom queen vote, then douse her with blood when she's crowned. Big mistake. Carrie has been cursed with powerful telekinesis and tears the place apart. Although she approves of the grievous bodily harm her minions attempt on Veronica's jacket, Arianna is not quite so effective in silencing opposition in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Carrie #2

A fan of Landry's work. One must wonder as to which is the scarier: parents who name their child after a blood-soaked fictional witch who wipes out the population of teenagers in a small town, or a girl who stalks a criminology writer to the extent of tracking down his cell phone number so she can call him and gush? Either way, Landry should have taken it as something of an omen, given events in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Jimmy Carter

See Carter, Jimmy

David Caruso

See Caruso, David

Franklin Carvahlos

See Carvahlos, Franklin

Kendall Casablancas

 

Betina Casablancas

See Casablancas, Betina

Dick Casablancas

 

Sadie Casablancas

See Casablancas, Sadie

Neko Case

See Case, Neko

Cat Fighter

She's a feisty one! When the results of the purity test become public, she publicly confronts her "best friend" who apparently had some sort of relationship with her boyfriend. You go, girl! Or maybe not. Chaos reigns (and Agent Smart is nowhere in sight) in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-alliterator

Played by Karenssa LeGear.

Cat in the Hat Raver

Neptune High student. Her claim to fame largely consists of being one of the first people passed by our luminous heroine, but she can also pride herself on being one of the passive bystanders at Wallace's humiliating first day of school. At least there is no denying she looks cute in that hat in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Amber Ojeda.

Catholic School Girl

Stripper. Or, according to Veronica, possibly just a down-on-her-luck schoolgirl carrying concealed produce. She may think men are scum, but she still helps point Veronica and Tim in the direction of someone who might be able to help find Veronica's supposed deadbeat dad. Her tip proves fruitless, but it's the thought that counts in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Jennifer Blanc.

Cathy

Cashier. Works in Accounts Payable at the sheriff's department. Given what a tool Lamb is and the likelihood that Keith will regularly recover lost prisoners, she probably sees him more often than it might seem from 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Cathy #2

Fellow classmate in Veronica's Intro to Criminology class. Cathy seems to have taken a shine to their professor — Dr. Landry. Since he's a criminology professor, we're sure he's aware that dating a college student is slightly frowned upon. Cathy may have to rival Veronica's affections for him, but with Veronica happily in a relationship, Cathy's got dibs in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-fickledame

Played by Kristen Mengelkock.

Jerry Cavin

See Cavin, Jerry

Jessica Cavin

See Cavin, Jessica

Cedric

The pipe man at Liberty Cigars & Pipes. This is the man to go to for that special blend. Of course, if what Keith tells Veronica is true, then specials at Liberty may mean something other than tobacco. The "smoking = evil" cliché is continued in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Inigo

Cerutti

See Cerutti,

Louisa Cetlingsworth

See Cetlingsworth, Louisa

Dr. Chambliss

See Chambliss, Dr.

Bodie Chang

See Chang, Bodie

Carol Channing

See Channing, Carol

Dave Chappelle

See Chappelle, Dave

Chappie

Missing dog. Look at her him. Isn't she he cute? Look at these soft ears and her his earnest loving eyes. Don't you just want to pick Lola Chappie up and steal her him? We know Hans would. Kristen Bell's dog does double duty in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Charlie

Neptune High student. Being mentally challenged doesn't stop him from being enchanted with Jackie's beauty. She graciously invites him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, and they dance the night away — at least, until his mother abruptly whisks him away so he can get to bed on time. Mentally challenged or not, Charlie probably wishes he could rip his mother a new one in 2.17 "Plan B."

-topanga

Played by Caleb Steinmeyer.

Charlie's Angel

One of a trio of nubile women working for a voice in a box. Really. Without ever mussing her hair or breaking a nail, an angel can roll out of a moving car. Veronica is tempted to play an angel in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Charlie's Mom

Much like Alicia Fennel a long time ago, she is gullible enough to let a man's bad reputation sully her image of his daughter. She ruins her son's evening in 2.17 "Plan B."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Denise Gossett.

Charlotte

Charleston's conceivably cheating girlfriend. Choosy, childish, or just not chaste, Charlotte chooses to cheese off Veronica. Big mistake in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-alliterator

Played by Amy Eve Rider.

Harmony Chase

 

Marvin Chase

See Chase, Marvin

Sir Cheats-a-Lot

Slightly trite nickname. Hearkening back to the greatest knight that ever did sit at the round table (or perhaps that jolly, bootie-loving, hip-hopster from Seattle), Veronica makes no bones about what she thinks of the ethics of Max's stolen terms papers business. But he likes big bucks and he cannot lie in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-bethgee

Chuck E. Cheese

See Cheese, Chuck E.

Chelsea

One of many pseudonyms for sweet-faced, gold-hearted sex worker Wendy, who is hired by Max's friends Brian and Fred to teach him about the birds and the bees. Maybe she was lying about being a Battlestar Galactica addict, but it turns out that she and Max did make a "connection" that night at Comic-Con (when all they did was talk). Her white knight pays ten grand to get her out of the prostitution business, and they live in harmony for a few days painting each other's nails. In the end, though, "Chelsea" repays Max by jumping ship and leaving a note thanking him for introducing her to the world of honest romance. Or, you know, regular old dishonest romance, but without the monetary compensation. She also drops off a thousand dollars and promises to give him the rest, so Max wasn't totally screwed in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-ninamazing

Chelsea #2

This Chelsea is the only one of that name Veronica found on the Erotic Critique, a detailed and multi-functional search engine for sex workers (God bless the Internet!). Unfortunately, this Chelsea's kind of a transvestite, not the cute-as-a-button hooker who sexlessly seduced Max at Comic-Con, only to find and then leave him again in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves".

-ninamazing

Julie Chen

See Chen, Julie

Dick Cheney

See Cheney, Dick

Chester

Absent poker player. Weevil is able to find a seat at the Echolls Christmas poker tournament thanks to Chester going AWOL. We bet it has something to do with the lack of clean underwear in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Chester #2

Mandy's Jack Russell terrier. It is his disappearance from the 09er house where Mandy was baby-sitting that leads to the uncovering of corruption at the local dog pound in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Chicks on Speed

German-born electropop group requested at the beginning of the frat party edition of Club Flush. In addition to song-making, they also have their own record label, design clothes and artwork, and have published a book. They're a group of hard-working, focused young ladies, and they would probably have kicked the shit out of Mercer Hayes in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-tallow

Chico

A name and a number in a matchbook. Lilly tortured her mother by creating it and leaving it lying around, as she tells Veronica in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Chief

Mexican law enforcement official. Sheriff Mars enlists his jurisdictional assistance in Cabo to apprehend a pair of fugitives wanted for questioning on the Neptune side of the border. Keith probably appreciates the chief taking time off from pursuing el cornballer in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Richard Romero.

Jim Chimory

See Chimory, Jim

Chloe

Hearst College student. Along with Mason and Jessica, she encourages Wallace to watch a movie with her and stop stressing about school already. Since Wallace hasn't had spent time with a non-PI female in months, Chloe has no trouble persuading him. If you look closely, you actually can see Wallace's lips mutter "Study Shmudy" in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Josie Lopez.

Hamilton Cho

See Cho, Hamilton

Choir Teacher

Neptune High Teacher. She's all glasses and teeth as she cheerfully encourages the students who audition for Cabaret. She cues Meg for her entrance in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-topanga

Played by Gwendolyn Oliver.

Mr. Chompers

See Chompers, Mr.

Noam Chomsky

See Chomsky, Noam

Jimmy Choo

See Choo, Jimmy

Chorus

Character in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Is there anything that Jimmy Spain can't turn his hand to in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con"?

-Inigo

Chris

Someone who at one point in his life was born and therefore deserves a birthday party, according to Hannah's mother's desk calendar in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Polter-Cow

Chris #2

A name on one of Mac's posters. Computer nerds must stick together and there can be no doubt that Mac is paying homage to MI.net's very own media king and coder extraordinaire, chris. Sweetie, you didn't have to put him up on your wall, you know. All it takes to get on his good side is water a beer. He really is easy, unlike Parker in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Chris #3

Soccer dude at Hearst College. At least that's what the message says on Tony's door, where Chris reminds him of the game at 3 on Sunday. With big posters on his wall, Tony's a big fan...so why the f@#& does he call it soccer! It's football, dude! The beautiful game! Played mostly with the foot, not four tons of protective equipment grasping a pigskin. Chris reminds the rest of the world that the Yanks insist on going their own way in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo

Saint Christopher

A Christian holy man. The patron saint of travelers is in for a ride when Driver Ed buys his medal and then throws it away just to get some change. Ed jinxes his chances in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker

Chuckles

An aborted nickname for Veronica by Logan. Did he realize that she doesn't laugh that often, or maybe that she wasn't a evil, murderous, scary clown? Or maybe clowns frighten him (like they do so many people) in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-alliterator

Chuya

A word that appears on page 86 of Priscilla's — a.k.a. Kendall — yearbook. Chuya? Who...what...where...is Chuya? Is Chuya really the name of a person who is associated with Handley High? According to the person who gathers the list of names for our Who's Who section, yes it is. According to the writer who is struggling to come up for a bio for this alleged person, Chuya is a river and mountain in Russia, therefore Chuya doesn't need a bio in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-wyk

Cindy

Another friend of Caitlin Ford. Except, maybe not any longer after Caitlin's skanky behavior in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Cindy #2

Another doll. The Brit alternative to Barbie, so less plastic surgery and top heaviness, and more cheap and cheerful, sort of like Madison and Mac. Mac's parents pondered between the names of the two dolls for their newborn babe, opting for Cindy. Thank god they didn't include other dolls on that list. Could we have liked Mac half as much if we'd learned her real name was Cabbage Patch Mackenzie in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb"?

-Inigo

Cindy #3

Freshman at Neptune High, the night of Shelly Pomroy's party. Considered easy, she had agreed with Dick to take Beaver's virginity that night. However, the girl had second thoughts, and better taste, and went home with Logan instead. All is revealed in 1.21 "A Trip to the Dentist."

-Inigo

Played by Billie Jones.

Cindy #4

Waitress at the Hut. Wow, Cindy must be a really popular name in Neptune. Or maybe the parents in Neptune are just really unimaginative. Cindy takes the cake (well, pie actually) in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-alliterator

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Indie rock band with the most self-consciously hip name, well, ever. I mean, really. "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah"? What does that even mean? It just screams, "No matter how much our music sucks, you won't be cool unless you listen to us and tell all your friends, BUT we can't actually get famous because then we won't be cool anymore." Max thinks he's cool, since he displays a CYHSY poster in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Polter-Cow

Sheriff Clapton

See Clapton, Sheriff

James Clark

See Clark, James

The Clash

A legendary English rock group that started in 1976. In 1979, they released an album called London Calling, which mixed together styles from rockabilly, '60s-style pop, lounge jazz, R&B, ska, rocksteady, hard rock, and reggae and revolutionized the rock scene. Three songs from that album, "Train in Vain," "The Clampdown," and "London Calling" are still played regularly on rock radio stations. Piz doesn't live by the river, but he was able to find the album for only a dollar in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-alliterator

Claudius

A character in Shakespeare's Hamlet. Claudius poisons the rightful king, and with the help of his minions Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed, he takes over Denmark until Hamlet can oust him and complete the circle of life. No...wait. That's The Lion King. Well, whatever. Cartoons, the works of the Bard, Doctor Who, what's the difference, right? Judging by the chalkboard, Claudius, along with the non-animated, -musical, and -fun version of his tale, is apparently being studied by Mr. Daniel's lit class in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-public displays of lust

Norris Clayton

See Clayton, Norris

Danny Cleaver

See Cleaver, Danny

Van Clemmons

 

Clerk

The hotel clerk that Nathan Woods questioned. Just because he had to serve him doesn't mean he has to like him in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator

Played by Kevin Gregg.

Clerk

Game parlor staff member. Probably disgusted by Veronica's clichéd idea of geek boy fantasies, he cutely rolls his eyes at her stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl disguise in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Bob Gunton.

Clete, the Crime-Fighting Canine

A dog who fights crime, kinda like Scruff McGruff. In Veronica's dream, Keith says that Lamb has to wear Clete's cape to all the elementary schools, showing that even in her dreams, Veronica metes out good punishments. We want to see Lamb in a cape in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-alliterator

Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel

A redneck hillbilly resident of Springfield, Cletus is married to his sister Brandine and has 31 children. Some might even have an IQ higher than 90. Cletus even has his own theme song:
Some folk'll never eat a skunk
and then again some folk'll,
like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel!
The only way James Bond could look like Cletus is if Wallace's tux was magical, which he says it is in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-alliterator

ClosetLand

Poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. board. Not one for cryptic metaphors or cleverly devised aliases, ClosetLand's username and thread title clearly state his or her situation. Here's hoping he or she gets some good tips in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-grimsqueaker

Clove

The servant who spends Beckett's Endgame wheeling his master round in futility. Hey. Kevin Hand, jobbing actor, gets to play him in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Clown

Neptune High Student. We can't blame him for wanting to take a picture with a shirtless Wallace Fennel, but doing so while Wallace is duct-taped to a flagpole is just plain mean. Maybe his thinning-on-top coif longs to be in the presence of a thick head of curly hair. Dude tries to be a badass with Veronica, but the sight of her switchblade shuts him up in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Randy Seidman.

Club Flush

A KRFF Hearst College radio show, hosted by the one and only Mercer Hayes. You have to admit, the name of his program upholds the same standards of base humor as Cap'n Krunk and Imitation Crab. However, while those pirate radio DJs were molested and nicknamed after a South Park character respectively, Mercer is only the owner of an illegal gambling establishment, the Benetian. He is suspected of being the Hearst rapist, though. We don't learn much about Flush in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon," but we learn more than enough in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-alliterator

All bios: 3.06 3.01

Johnnie Cochran

See Cochran, Johnnie

Jason Cohen

See Cohen, Jason

Cole

 

Joe College

See College, Joe

Collette

Attendee at the Mann-Kuhne non-wedding. Who? How'd she get in the credits? How'd she get a name when the hot guy who cleaned Terrence's cars and got lots of lines just gets "Detailer"? WTF? We reckoned that maybe she was Paul's sister, but a quick gander at the sides shows that she was Paul's ex, and a lawyer, and a character with a lot of lines at one point. Hmm. Who'd she piss off in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed"?

-Inigo

Played by Katherine Cunningham-Eves.

Nadia Comaneci

See Comaneci, Nadia

Conductor Frat Guy

Leader of the Greek Chorus serenading Pi Sig president Chip Diller after his unfortunate run-in with an Easter egg. Isn't it a relief to see that the maturity level of Neptune's kids rises exponentially after graduation? Imagine how Chip would have suffered had this been at Neptune High in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Kevin Foster.

Conductor's Buddy

Greek Chorus member. We can't quite decide what makes this guy uncooler: mocking a victim of sexual assault, or attacking a petite blonde in a food court brawl, but let's just say that neither make him look very gentlemanly in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Lee Smith.

Jackie Cook

 

Michael Cook

See Cook, Michael

Terrence Cook

 

Cookin_With_Luvin

Featured lady of premiereescorts.biz. She's 21 years old, measures 32C-23-34, stands 5'11", weighs 119 lbs, and is blonde-haired with brown eyes. Well, this won't do at all. 118 is the heaviest I'll hire. Mac and the Beav want a secret ingredient other than Luvin in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-marksoflove

Paul Cooper

See Cooper, Paul

Nancy Cooper

 

Coppertop

One of the gaming club screen names. It would make sense that Liam's nom de geek is Liamator. However, as he battles it out on the screen, he shows up as Coppertop. Go "Huh?" with us in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Cora

 

Corey

Market owner. And by "market," we mean "low-end convenience store patronized by less-than-savory clientele." And by "less-than-savory clientele," we mean strippers. Veronica and Tim Foyle likely won't be return customers after 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Corky

A fratboy at Pi Sigma. Is Corky dorky while reading Gorky? Does he watch Porky's while eating pork-y with a fork-y? Okay, now I'm stretching it. Corky puts a cork in it (well, considering he never shows, that's the assumption) in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Corny "Douglas"

 

Professor Corrigan

 

Hector Cortez

 

George Costanza

See Costanza, George

Kevin Costner

See Costner, Kevin

Carla Cotter

See Cotter, Carla

Jeff Cotter

See Cotter, Jeff

Peter Cottontail

See Cottontail, Peter

Courtney

Karaoke singer who bears an uncanny resemblance to the lead singer of the Dandy Warhols. He rains on Lars's parade and alludes to Veronica's romantic woes by reminding the patrons of the Hut that "LoVe Love Hurts." His appearance is not short and sweet to the soul in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Courtney Taylor.

Cow Poke

A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. Does this nickname mean he's a cowboy type from the Wild West, or is he simply a wild and crazy guy who likes to…um…penetrate full-figured women? We probably can't handle the truth, though we desperately want it, in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Judge Cramer

See Cramer, Judge

Jennings Crawford

See Crawford, Jennings

Joan Crawford

See Crawford, Joan

Larry Crawford

See Crawford, Larry

Nancy Crawford

See Crawford, Nancy

Franklin Crawford, III

See Crawford III, Franklin

Judge Crawford

See Crawford, Judge

Creedence Clearwater Revival

Rockabilly-cum-country band of the late sixties, early seventies. According to Lianne, their music goes with hot dogs and tater tots. This "Guide to Sounds to Eat By" is distilled, unlike Lianne, in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Hans Gerhard Creutzfeldt

See Creutzfeldt, Hans Gerhard

Jessica Crinkshaw

See Crinkshaw, Jessica

Cristopher

Sports star. "Cristopher" is another satisfied costumer of Curly's, who favors an indecipherable handwriting. Veronica finds his picture in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Sonny Crockett

See Crockett, Sonny

Miss Crockett

See Crockett, Miss

Thomas Crown

See Crown, Thomas

Tom Cruise

See Cruise, Tom

Anthony Thomas Cruz

See Cruz, Anthony Thomas

Crystal

09er with $50 to spare. She is a teenager looking for the goods on her mother. She is excited to learn that her mother sued for emancipation at sixteen before moving to Hollywood for bit parts in Z-movies. See her smile in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Katie LeClerc.

Gerald Cummings

See Cummings, Gerald

Cupid

God of love, banished to Earth until he can match up one hundred happy couples. Going by the name of Trevor Hale, he gets into all kinds of wacky trouble with his psychiatrist, Claire, and his roommate, Champ. Unbeknownst to him, but knownst to us, Rob Thomas is filming his every move, crafting his adventures into funny and insightful episode-length stories. Suddenly, A Big Cow from a Heavenly Barn destroys his entire existence. Jackie has the good taste to save his tales on her TiVo in 2.05 "Blast from the Past," and Veronica earns the moniker for no good reason in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.15 2.05

Curator

The man whose eyes pop out of his head on the sight of Van Gogh's Two Lovers. Neptune is such a special place. Curators. Auctioneers. What's the diff? None, as Keith leaves the valuable painting in the hands of a stranger with instructions to realize the value and donate the money to the Neptune Food Bank in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week"

-Inigo

Played by Koury Brown.

Curious Georgette

Vinnie's term of endearment for Veronica Mars. Never one for originality, Vinnie borrows from the Rey's Curious George books for little 'uns. In the popular stories, George's curiosity regularly got him into trouble, forcing the man in the yellow hat to rescue him. Hey! Did we see Keith in a yellow hat in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed"?

-Inigo

Michael Curry

See Curry, Michael

Ron Curtis

See Curtis, Ron

Curtis

Student and jock at Pan High. He gets one line and a drink in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

General George Custer

See Custer, General George

Customer

Hearst College student. Far from being only a lowly student assigned to write an essay about Jack London's favorite theme of man in his eternal, futile struggle against the forces of nature, he aims to solve one of the greatest literary mysteries of all time: did the manly-man author die of natural causes, or was he actually killed in a conspirative mercury poisoning? And here you thought majoring in English was dull! A library customer's vivid imagination might get the better of him in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Matthew Patrick Davis.

Customs Agent

A fella who likes to ask upfront about any contraband the visitors to Mexico might be carrying. We wonder if he really likes performing full cavity searches on guys like Ziggy in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-alliterator

Played by Chris Salcedo.

Cute as a Bug Manager

She agrees to hire Jackie at Java the Hut, only if Veronica promises to fire her if she sucks as a waitress. She's cute but non-confrontational and knows how to delegate in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-topanga

All bios: 2.19 2.01
Played by Meredith Roberts.

Cute Girl

Aesthetically pleasing female. Personally, she's not my type, and I'd rather write about her friend, but she doesn't get any lines, so, apparently, she's not IMPORTANT. She would likely say the same thing as Cute Girl here, who asks Logan about some sort of party in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Chevronne Burton.

Tina D'Amato

See D'Amato, Tina

Deputy Leo D'Amato

 

Angie Dahl

See Dahl, Angie

Deborah Daily

See Daily, Deborah

Daisy A princess in the Super Mario Brothers-verse. Logan was beating Heather with her in Mario Kart. Daisy is more tomboyish than Princess Peach and likes to wear bright yellow dresses. Played by Samantha Mathis in the ill-fated Super Mario Brothers movie. It should probably be strange that Logan plays as Daisy, but it isn't in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem." -alliterator

Daisy #2

A supercomputer named after a flower. Or perhaps the Duke brothers' cousin. You know them Duke brothers...always getting into trouble involving a giant supercomputer and a bunch of fake Hearst IDs. Okay, not really. I doubt they would even know what a "computer" is, but Professor Winkler and Leon sure do in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-alliterator

Dakota

No, not that little girl who was in War of the Worlds with this guy, but rather a boy Little Leaguer whom Woody Goodman coaches. He's stepping in too much in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-alliterator

Mr. Dalton

See Dalton, Mr.

Johnny Damon

See Damon, Johnny

Dan

Mechanic at the Symbolic Motor Car Company. He doesn't know the name Veronica Mars, he wouldn't repair her car if she wanted him to, and he didn't really care for his colleague Curly all that much. One might almost think his service lacks something, if it weren't for a little clue Veronica discovers. Dan isn't very lively or friendly, but at least somewhat helpful in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Played by John Ciccolini.

Dan #2

A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. A simple name for what we presume is a simple kind of guy. He managed to score 200 points for his recent escapade, so the tried-and-true pick-up line, "Come here much?" must still work. We assume so in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Dance Team Advisor

The leader-apparent of the Pep Squad car wash encourages Veronica and Lilly to talk less and scrub more. Perhaps if Lilly had talked more, there would have been less of her to be scrubbed up from the Kane swimming pool. Gross, but true. Ms. Stay-Focused silences the girls in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Nicole Monica.

Daniella

Taut blonde in Taut Blonde. Or perhaps she's a taught blonde, which would be an oxymoron in most states. Unless she's truly not blonde in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Polter-Cow

Danielle

Party girl with taste. Like pretty much all of the female guests at the alterna-prom, Danielle isn't too keen to get close to Dick's, erm, hog. Applaud her on her good sense in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-grimsqueaker

Tom Daniels

See Daniels, Tom

Mrs. Daniels

See Daniels, Mrs.

Rick Danner

See Danner, Rick

Dante

Friend of Weevil. Probably a member of the PCH bikers and thus living on the wrong side of Neptune, Dante certainly knows inferno better than paradise. Weevil has got his number in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-grimsqueaker

Daphne

The pretty Scooby-Doo character who isn't Fred. Veronica aspires to be her in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Daphne #2

An escort's pseudonym. Was Sugar Jones trying to summon up images of a young redheaded mystery-solver when she gave this name to Cliff? Perhaps aware of a secret passion of Cliff's for girl detec- No, wait. That line of thought is a little disconcerting. Forget I mentioned it. In any case, Daphne is not someone's actual name in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Darcy

Casey Gant's ex-girlfriend. She reckons she was dumped so Casey could schtup a teacher in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Played by Courtnee Draper.

Darla

A member of PHAT and activist against Ed Argent and his bow-hunting lifestyle. She nearly tricks Veronica and Mac into shedding their clothes for the cause, but it's all an April Fool's joke (in January). We wonder if her last name is Morgendorffer in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-alliterator

Played by Adriana DeMeo.

Delores Darline

See Darline, Delores

Dr. Dave

Grief counselor. Veronica spent an hour every Thursday for six weeks staring at him across the ottoman. He's downtown. She was sent to him so she could forget all her worries, forget all her cares. But the lights were no brighter for her there. She'd have been better off if she'd listened to the music of the traffic of the city. Veronica lingers on the sidewalk where the neon lights are pretty in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Dave

Jackie's date. Is this handsome young man just an old friend to Jackie, or possibly more? Veronica has her suspicions in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang", but Jackie feels comfortable enough to mention him to Wallace in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Mr. Davenport

See Davenport, Mr.

David

Character in Lost in the Midst played by Jimmy Spain. We can't tell you anything about the character. We can't tell you anything about the play. Maybe they don't exist. Maybe Jimmy's credits are a lot like Jimmy. Not real. At least he had the wherewithal to give himself the lead in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Stanley Davidson

See Davidson, Stanley

Davis

See Davis,

Mr. Davis

See Davis, Mr.

Jeremy Davis

See Davis, Jeremy

David Daw

See Daw, David

Deputy Dawg

See Dawg, Deputy

Dawn

 

Dawn #2

Hearst College student and victim of rape. What better way to wake up the morning after a party than with roofies in your system and all your hair shaved off? Probably only ranks behind finding out a month later that the guy who did it to you is not only still running around free, but is making his habit a serial one. Dawn and Stacy have a nasty reason to bond in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Played by Cristina Balmores.

Bunny Day

See Day, Bunny

Jimmy Day

See Day, Jimmy

Walt Day

See Day, Walt

Day Laborer #2

Like his colleague and partner in not-so-serious crime, Spaniel Man, he displays an impressive pantomime talent when describing the dognapper's van to Veronica Mars — maybe a little too impressive, given that she is led to believe that Hans rides a white horse and likes to spank busty women in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Arturo Medina.

John De Lorean

See De Lorean, John

Constable Decker

See Decker, Constable

Declan

Member of the Fighting Fitzpatricks. This wannabe boxer practices his punching technique on the runt of the PCHers. Usually we would tell a big, mean bully such as Declan to pick on someone his own size, but considering the vertically-challenged, gym-adverse physique of some the PCHers, it might not be possible for the totally buff Declan to find a worthy adversary in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-wyk

George Dedlos

See Dedlos, George

DeeDee

Hearst student. We know she can measure time since she knows how long it takes for eight seconds to go by. Maybe, however, she rides bulls in her spare time, so that particular unit of time is quite noticeable. And as Dick learns, when you mess with the bullrider, you'll get the horns...of her boyfriend 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Mandy Gill.

Deep Throat

Washington Post informant who helped to break the Watergate story. Or a film starring Linda Lovelace about, uh, about...family-friendly site, family-friendly site. The ambiguity as to which D.T. Veronica is referring made Weevil blush in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo

Ellen DeGeneres

See DeGeneres, Ellen

Fern Delgado

 

Dr. Delmont

See Delmont, Dr.

Amelia DeLongpre

See DeLongpre, Amelia

Renny DeMouy

See DeMouy, Renny

Stephanie Denenberg

See Denenberg, Stephanie

Jessica Denney

See Denney, Jessica

Douglas Dennis

See Dennis, Douglas

Mallory Dent

 

Mrs. Denton

See Denton, Mrs.

Francois DePaul

See DePaul, Francois

Steven Depriest

See Depriest, Steven

Deputy

Man of the city. One of the countless hot cops of Balboa County, he makes Veronica and Duncan's ride back to Neptune a little more exciting in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Zadran Wali.

Deputy #2

Does the sheriff's bidding in Kretchmer County. He must be bucking for his boss's job, or just desperate to please, to work hard enough to find the few spots of blood left in the death cabin of Kendall Casablancas. However, any points scored for observation are lost in his failure to recognize a Vincent Van Gogh in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Played by Norman Black.

Derrick's Brother

Brother of Derrick Karr. He was injured in Iraq and can thus no longer use his legs. Though this instilled a sense of hatred for Arabs in his brother, Big Bro seems to have no enmity for them. His brother, however, has enmity enough for the both of them in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Eric Ladin.

Darryl Derryberry

See Derryberry, Darryl

Alan Dershowitz

See Dershowitz, Alan

Domonick Desante

See Desante, Domonick

Desk Clerk

Works reception at the Neptune Grand. When Veronica arrives all aflutter, she won't give up Mac's room number or ignore the "Do Not Disturb" instruction. She needs to go back to hotel management school as she was unable to recognize that Beaver was clearly a psycho. The desk clerk proves to be just as fallible as most of the Season Two audience in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.22 2.22
Played by Rebecca Rhae Larsen.

Desk Manager

A smarmy (we think) desk manager at a sweet (or should that be "suite"?) hotel where Veronica and Logan thought Lynn might be holing up. Called Jeeves by Logan, this clerk fails spectacularly to look anything like Stephen Fry in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-alliterator

Played by Paul D. Roberts.

Detailer

A man who loves to clean cars. But maybe he doesn't. Maybe he goes to bed dreading having to go to work in the morning and then wakes up feeling like there'd be nothing worse than having to clean one more single solitary car. And then maybe he goes to work and hates his entire day and can't wait to leave, but then he gets home and starts dreading work again...or maybe we're projecting just a little bit. The Detailer probably has a Magic Touch for cleaning cars for really rich men in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-funky-donut

Played by Gary Weeks.

Detroit Cobras

Rock band...from Detroit! They combine garage, rock, and soul and breathe new life into standards from the '50s and '60s. Primarily a cover band, they have one original song called "Hot Dog (Watch Me Eat)." We would actually like to see a cobra eat a hot dog. Why isn't that on YouTube? All we have is a DC poster on the wall of KRFF in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Polter-Cow

Devil Dave

Serial killer or acoustic guitar nerd? Look at him! Can there be any question? He strums in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Miss Devlin

See Devlin, Miss

Melvil Dewey

See Dewey, Melvil

Dex

Karaoke singer. Granted, his vocal art is more enthusiastic than awe inspiring, but rating him a meager "two" seems a little unfair in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Josh Temple.

Diamond Smugglers Lead Singer

Lead singer of the Diamond Smugglers, a famous Neil Diamond cover band. His real name is Steve McCarthy. The Diamond Smugglers play at the Pi Sigs' frat party, covering such Diamond hits as "Sweet Caroline" and "Thank the Lord for the Night Time." He also introduces Club Flush, setting off alarm bells in Sweet Veronica's head. Steve loves him some Diamond in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by Steve McCarthy.

Diamond Smugglers Singer

Diamond Smugglette. This pink-haired ingenue vamps her way through a concert at the Pi Sigs' frat party, singing her heart out to Neil Diamond classics. Along with the lead singer and the other chick, this Smugglette rocks the house in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by Brandy Ernst.

Diamond Smugglers Singer #2

Diamond Smugglette. This blonde-haired singer backs up the most Neil-Diamond-lovingest man to ever love Neil Diamond at the Pi Sigs' frat party. This Smugglette sings yesterday's songs in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by Julie Lowery.

Nick DiCintio

See DiCintio, Nick

Tom Dicintio

See Dicintio, Tom

Emily Dickinson

See Dickinson, Emily

Didden

See Didden,

Diddings

See Diddings,

Hank Diddon

See Diddon, Hank

Harry Diddon

See Diddon, Harry

Diefenbach

See Diefenbach,

Marlene Dietrich

See Dietrich, Marlene

Chip Diller

 

Matt Dillon

See Dillon, Matt

Dime's Flunky

A follower, hanger-on, myrmidon, right-hand man, lackey, serf, barnacle, bootlicker, sycophant, minion, slave. Basically Dime's girl Friday, but without all that sexual tension. We think. But he's a pretty funky flunky in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-alliterator

Played by Ray Auxais.

James Dirk

See Dirk, James

Walt Disney

See Disney, Walt

Distraught Woman

When her daughter goes missing, this mother vows to hold the entire sheriff's department responsible if she isn't found. Does that include Inga? Mama holds back tears in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-topanga

Played by Deanna Driscoll.

District Attorney

Neptune's prosecutor to Cliff's Perry Mason. Needless to say, things didn't go well in the career-making bikers' trial. We wondered if he still had a job as he had not been seen since 1.01 "Pilot" but he, or his successor, was around to drop the Toombs murder case against Logan in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.01 1.01
Played by Kirk Fogg.

DJ Hellfish

Hearst College Radio host. What is it with DJs and seafood-themed names on this show? We had a pirate inspired by a cereal, a substitute crustacean and now this dude, who probably thought his "clever" pun makes him seem "cool" or something. Some news, kid, it's not the name: begging people not to change the frequency when you've just started is a rather huge clue that it won't get good. Hellfish gets turned off in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-grimsqueaker

Django

Moon Calf Collective chef. His secret ingredient is love. Aww or eww, depending on your mileage. He smiles, he cooks, and he smiles some more in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Played by Farhang Pernoon.

Doctor

We would make the obvious joke about friendly, enigmatic doctors without names here, but really, how many references to obscure cult shows can you squeeze into one Who's Who? He could be a little more sonic — or at least wear a scarf — in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-marksoflove

Played by Bod Arnold.

Doctor #2

Email buddy of Veronica. Doctor who? Does he travel through time and space in a blue police box? How's he with sonic technology? Does he favor fluffy scarves or leather jackets? And what's he so happy about that causes him to email Veronica with a happy face for a subject line? The mysteries are almost overwhelming in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Doddie

PCH biker with an unusual name. Is he doddering? Is he dotty? Does he doddle? Does he doodle? De... I mean, we don't discover in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-alliterator

John Q. Doe

See Doe, John Q.

Jane Doe

See Doe, Jane

Mr. Tapz Dog

See Dog, Mr. Tapz

Dolce & Gabbana

Fashion designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana. Their clothes look good on the gorgeous Mrs. Casablancas in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang," and their junior escort study buddy collection helps Scarlett Reyes concentrate when she's learning with Sully in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 3.07 2.03

Doms

Name on a lock on a locker in autoshop. Um. That's it, really. There's not anything more to say. Further words would be superfluous. And possibly irritating. It could highlight the fact that the writers of the Who's Who bios often just can't think of anything witty or clever or funny to write — that we are creatively bankrupt. And that would be bad. Sometimes we can use something from the picture, but look at it! It's a lock on a locker in autoshop. Sometimes it's a matter of playing with the name, but Doms is sort of...just Doms. Although, thinking about it, it could be as in "Doms and Subs." Okay, now there's an angle. For those of you who need an education in extreme sexual practices—
Editor's note - No. Just no. We don't want to hear about it. And how the hell would you know anyway?
Well, there was this time...
Editor's note - You're so fired.
The locker in question, filled with paddles and whips whatever, shows up in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-Inigo

Don

News anchor. He shares the first name, though sadly not the screentime, of Sheriff Lamb, but no doubt he oversees the 5 Action News as capably as Lamb reigns his department. Don is neither seen nor heard in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-grimsqueaker

Mrs. Donaldson

See Donaldson, Mrs.

Mr. Donaldson

See Donaldson, Mr.

doornewaardHans

See doornewaardHans,

Doris

Not Mary Mooney. Trina Echolls confuses her biological mother with a character from The Simpsons, which is totally understandable. I do that constantly, right, Homer? An Alyson Hannigan character channels Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel for not the first time in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove

Doug

Weatherman at Channel 9 KTML and colleague of Martina Vasquez. According to the plug on Martina's webpage, Doug is on 24/7, which is a pretty impressive show of devotion to his craft. Maybe it's just a show of his devotion to the well-endowed anchor Martina, as displayed in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

Ryan Douglas

See Douglas, Ryan

Jocelyn Aardwick Douglas

See Douglas, Jocelyn Aardwick

Alan Douglas

See Douglas, Alan

Douglas

An astonishing car rental manager (he's employee of the month!), all Douglas wants is some serenity and maybe some peace of mind. What he gets is Stacy, who's no angel, for an employee. I bet he wishes he were a Next Top Model Slayer. Douglas jawohls in 2.06 "Rat Saw God." Firefly!

-alliterator

Played by Joss Whedon.

Jackson Douglas

See Douglas, Jackson

Robert Downey, Jr.

See Downey Jr., Robert

Suzy Doyle

See Doyle, Suzy

Ed Doyle

See Doyle, Ed

Bruno Doyle

See Doyle, Bruno

Jessie Doyle

See Doyle, Jessie

Randi Doyle

See Doyle, Randi

Mrs. Drake

See Drake, Mrs.

Carson Drew

See Drew, Carson

Nancy Drew

See Drew, Nancy

Drill Man

Fratboy on the Pi Sigma Sigma scoreboard. Given the subtlety of the Pi Sig Sig nicknames, we are sure this fraternity member either really wants to be in the army or he secretly dreams of being a maintenance worker. Drill Man is crafty in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Drina

An object of affection. Who is Drina? Why is she loved? It's not Jessie, that's for sure. She is unloved and sad. It's a fair bet that Drina's dad didn't drive off a cliff. And by whom is Drina loved? Somebody who can write, sort of, in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Driver

Of course, there are better ways to meet your favourite celebrities than hitting them head-on with a flower truck or obstructing their run from justice, but given what happened the last time Aaron Echolls got up close and personal with a fan, this guy isn't so much out of the ordinary. We wonder if he'll still get an autograph in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Dan McLellan.

Driver #2

Unintentional catalyst for adultery. This distracted yet polite Neptune driver may be reckless behind the wheel, but it's the seventh commandment that gets totaled after this driver careens into Keith's car in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-bethgee

Played by Brian Hatton.

Drugstore Clerk

Disgruntled pharmacy clerk selling "Super Titan" condoms. With just the slightest hesitation and an irked glance or three, this woman accuses Logan of embellishing the size of Logan Junior and pegs Cindy "Mac" MackenzieMac[char] as a ditzy co-ed with a fuzzy moral code. Her judgmental glances do little to disrupt the fun of the gang's Valentine's Day Scavenger Hunt in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-bethgee

Played by Wendy Worthington.

The Dude

Stoner bowler who wears a bathrobe and drinks White Russians. It's difficult to capture the essence of The Dude in ten words, but...I just did. The Dude abides in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

Duder

Alternate name for The Dude, possibly when drinking beer. Veronica gets in touch with her inner Duder in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

Hilary Duff

See Duff, Hilary

Luke Duke

See Duke, Luke

Alexander Dumas

See Dumas, Alexander

Leslie Dumass

See Dumass, Leslie

Mr. Dumass

See Dumass, Mr.

Mr. Dunn

See Dunn, Mr.

Ms. Dunne

See Dunne, Ms.

Mr. Duvall

See Duvall, Mr.

Tripp Duverre

See Duverre, Tripp

Dweeb

A library patron. C'mon, Veronica! Help him find a book! I mean, if he needs help, it must be, like, a really important book that's gone missing or has been misshelved or something. It could be the Case of the Missing Library Book! Well, I guess macking with Logan trumps helping the Dweeb in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-alliterator

Played by Alex Pakzad.

E-String Strangler

Misnomer given by the nickname-needy press to a Neptune serial killer chased in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Eagles

Band. Poor Keith, his slang is stuck in the seventies, along with Jackson Douglas's dad. The Eagles are remembered in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb" and 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Sarah Eames

See Eames, Sarah

Earl

Veronica's buddy who works at the impound yard. Troy is impressed that Veronica has a buddy named Earl, but he is positively excited to learn that Earl can get him a great deal on a good-times van in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Earl #2

Leo's partner in shadowing Gia Goodman on the commission of her father. Earl, just trying to be a better shadower, probably sits in the car and sings to himself:
Hi! my name is.. (What?) My name is.. (Who?)
My name is.. *scratches* Earl, lady
Hi! my game is.. (Huh?) My game is.. (What?)
My game is.. *scratches* to be shady
Ahem.. excuse me!
Can I not have your attention
For one second?
Earl's karma keeps him in park in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-Inigo

Earlimart

Band. All they ever do is sing. And get researched by Collin in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-Inigo

Easter Bunny

Holiday rabbit. When Aaron is acquitted of the murder of Lilly Kane, Veronica reveals the horrible truth: the Easter Bunny isn't real. Now the Easter Bunny hatches (geddit?) a plot to get its revenge. All we can say is, Veronica better watch which eggs she eats next Easter after 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-fickledame

Clint Eastwood

See Eastwood, Clint

Trina Echolls

 

Aaron Echolls

 

Logan Echolls

 

Lynn Echolls

 

Kt Echolls

See Echolls, Kt

Eddie

Another fireman, just like Adam. And, just like Adam, named for a friend-of-Rob's/ writer-on-Lost-type person — Edward Kitsis. The writer is probably flabby and pale. Our Eddie has muscles! Lust away, boys. He's in action in 1.01 "Pilot."

-wyk

Barbara Eden

See Eden, Barbara

Gregory Edgar

See Edgar, Gregory

Edie

Returned dog. Another dog-loving Neptune citizen got his canine back, thanks to the miracle of hard dollars. Dognapper Hans makes a profit in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Marvin Edisto

See Edisto, Marvin

Dr. Egostroke

See Egostroke, Dr.

El Diablo

Veronica's nickname for Weevil. Hey, since this episode involved a supercomputer and several cool gadgets, would it have hurt Rob to include a robot Weevil? That way, it could have been called El Diablo Robotico! Sadly, the Devil (or Weevil) didn't build a robot in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-alliterator

El Duderino

Alternate nombre for The Dude, possibly when drinking tequila. Veronica habla con El Duderino en 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

El Suave

A fratboy at Pi Sigma. Apparently, "El Suave" is Spanish for "The Smooth One," which is a pretty sweet nickname. However, considering this fratboy probably never earned that nickname, we feel it's more appropriate to call him "El Borracho" in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Pauline Elliot

See Elliot, Pauline

Fred Ellis

See Ellis, Fred

Jeffrey Ellis

See Ellis, Jeffrey

Elmer

The personification of a brand of glue. Was it named after this famous composer? Or was it named for this lispy hunter? Or how about this lovely little hamlet in New Jersey? No to all of the above. The glue was actually named after the fictional spouse of a fictional cow — Borden's famed mascot, Elsie. Madison doesn't want to get gooey gluey in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut

Elmire

Character in Tartuffe. She is played by Jenny, but due to a fine layer of Pam on the stage, we don't get to see her thespian skills in action in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Jennifer Segal.

Brad Elsey

See Elsey, Brad

Emily

Mother of Sarah Williams and wife of Randall. She is in for a distasteful denouement. What an amazing coincidence! Those of us not obsessed with Logan and/or Weevil have the exact same lemon-sucking reaction as Emily when we finish watching the woeful 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Eve Gordon.

Emmy

Plant-loving scientist who works with (or, rather, near) Pauline and Gil Thomas. Her ears are sensitive, leading her to steal Oscar's banana; her heart is sensitive, assuring Veronica that she would never impede with scientific progress, despite her competitive nature; and most of all, her nipples are sensitive, leading her to complain about the A/C in the lab. Emmy causes frustration for the animal-lovers and provides a few clues for Veronica in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-fulfilled

Played by Brittany Ishibashi.

En Vogue

Female singing group. This popular quartet from the ‘90s had mostly an R&B groove, but they weren't afraid to push the envelope when they recorded the heavy-metal-inspired "Free Your Mind." Mason urges Wallace to follow the group's advice: in other words, stop worrying so much about school. But Mason doesn't mention that Wallace's free education depends on using his free will to maintain a passing GPA in order to keep his free basketball scholarship. En Vogue is misrepresented in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

John Enbom, Sr.

See Enbom Sr., John

Dean Enbom

See Enbom, Dean

John Enbom

See Enbom, John

EnriqueFreaque69

Ibiza party girl. She wants to video chat with Veronica Mars who, somewhat surprisingly given the giveaway presence of a number one less than Wallace's purity rating, does not respond as one might expect to such an invitation. Instead, Veronica sets up her camera and beholds a European blonde who is not stripping, but rather responding to Veronica's request for information on Amelia DeLongpre in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Inigo

Played by Verina Marcel.

James Epstein

See Epstein, James

Sarah Epstein

See Epstein, Sarah

Ernest

Pomeranian named after a famous winemaker. Kind of a pretentious name for a dog, especially coming from famed humanitarian Selma Hearst Rose. Then again, Ernest is a Pomeranian in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-funky-donut

Jaime Escalante

See Escalante, Jaime

Esmerelda

A girl in Tijuana. Logan insisted he closed the deal with her in VIP. From the look on his face, this is most likely a euphemism for their having exchanged business cards...or something in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Cervando Esparza

See Esparza, Cervando

Amy Esparza

See Esparza, Amy

Dan Etheridge

See Etheridge, Dan

D. Etler

See Etler, D.

Evan

Business contact that the odious Roger Hearst is anxious to reach. Evan, he wants Evan, and his tantrum's so that he can hardly speak, and he seems to find the happiness he seeks when they're put together chatting cheek to cheek. Evan might even be wearing a top hat in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

Eve

Bibilical first woman and eater of forbidden fruit. Veronica is to Piz as Eve was to Adam...well, minus the giving of ribs, the banishment from paradise, and the begetting of all mankind. Given the enthusiastic reception to the Internet footage of Veronica and Piz "getting familiar," it's unlikely they sported the tastefully placed leaves of their Biblical counterparts to hide their naughty bits in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Ex-Con

Former inmate. He prevents Weevil from punching their boss — though he desperately deserves it. His sage advice to Weevil, that hitting an employer isn't worth an extra year in prison, is born of experience. Bruno plays an a ex-brute in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-funky-donut

Played by Bruno Amato.

Exene Cervenka and the Original Sinners

Band. If they were trying to imitate the popular David Fincher movie with their new album title, they got it wrong. See, the movie is Se7en. The numeral 7 functions AS the v. The album, however, is Sev7en. What the hell is that? How do you even say that? "Sevsevenen"? Regardless, the band and album appear to be KRFF-approved in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Carl Faberge

See Faberge, Carl

Fader#1

One of those that fade. She might be the red-haired singer-guitar player of the Faders. She can't stop this feeling, she can't run away, there's no escape for her from the Neptune High Homecoming dance. Baby, she's what's on our minds in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Toy Valentine.

Fader#2

Second toughest in the Faders. She might be the bass player, and do we have to spell it out in black and white? She looks gorgeous tonight. All the time we can hear her talking in our heads in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Cherisse Osei.

Fader#3

Presumably the drummer of the Faders. To quote a fictionalized Pete Best: drummers don't talk. You must have noticed that. Might as well just be deaf and dumb, drummers. When was the last time you heard a drummer say anything? You know why, don't you? 'Cause nobody ever f...adin' listens in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Molly Lorenne.

Faders

Band playing at the Neptune 2005 Homecoming Dance. Staying true to the ideal of "No Sleep Tonight," the Faders steadily play on while there is drama, heartbreak, and catfighting on the dance floor in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Donald Fagan

See Fagan, Donald

Fantastic Sam

Fantastic Sams is a discount haircutting chain, although there must be a Sam there, somewhere, who is fantastic. It's where Kimmy goes when she is in need of a trim. Or wants to turn into Meg. All becomes clear in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo, wyk

Kiki Fantastico

See Fantastico, Kiki

Terry Farnham

See Farnham, Terry

Colin Farrell

See Farrell, Colin

Nadia Fassano

See Fassano, Nadia

Milt Fauver

See Fauver, Milt

Shanee Fauver

See Fauver, Shanee

Millie Fauver

See Fauver, Millie

Favorite Band Sucks T-Shirt

Neptune High Student. Voyeur-turned- psychologist, this kid gawks at the leaked crime scene video of the Lilly Kane murder, then asks, "How do you think that family feels?" We're guessing "not great." T-shirt boy acts sympathetic when Veronica is near in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Elvin Lai.

Marguerite Federbush

See Federbush, Marguerite

Margaret Federbush

See Federbush, Margaret

FeeSpirited

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. forum who asks "Your first 'special' moment." Judging from his screenname, I'm guessing it probably has something to do with money and/or taxes. Are we sure that Kelly Kuzzio doesn't have TWO screennames in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings"?

-alliterator

Lionnel Feilspar

See Feilspar, Lionnel

Leslie Feist

See Feist, Leslie

FeistyFairy

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. forum who asked "how can i tell my parents"? I'm thinking you should use proper capitalization and punctuation when you do it. Also? Don't live in a fascist dystopian state. That only leads to head shaving and Guy Fawkes masks. V is for Vendetta, but C is for Coming Out in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-alliterator

Federico Fellini

See Fellini, Federico

Desmond Fellows

See Fellows, Desmond

Female Deputy

Proving that the Hot Cops of Balboa County don't always have to be of the male persuasion, this deputy capably brings justice closer to Aaron Echolls in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Michelle Wolff.

Female Officer

Female officer. Duh. That's her name! You can't expect a character who overdramatically rubs her neck and tilts her head to show that Parker doesn't remember anything about her rape to deserve a NAME, do you? Thankfully, she lets Lamb take over in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Erin Frigo.

Female Prisoner

One of the students taking part in Dr. Kinny's Abu Ghraib-lite experiment. Dubbed fat by jailer jerk Rafe, she probably lost a few pounds during her weekend of pig's knuckles and tinned fishies in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Played by Jovi Olivas.

James Feniress

See Feniress, James

P. Fenker

See Fenker, P.

Gary Fenlaw

See Fenlaw, Gary

Evva Fenley

See Fenley, Evva

Shlome Fenlon

See Fenlon, Shlome

Winny Fenlon

See Fenlon, Winny

Zack Fenlon

See Fenlon, Zack

Ronald Fenmore

See Fenmore, Ronald

Steve Fenmore

See Fenmore, Steve

Maggie Fenmore

See Fenmore, Maggie

Mrs. M.C. Fenmore

See Fenmore, Mrs. M.C.

L. Fenmore

See Fenmore, L.

K. Fenmore

See Fenmore, K.

George Fenn

See Fenn, George

Chuck Fenn

See Fenn, Chuck

H. Fenn

See Fenn, H.

John Fenn

See Fenn, John

Wallace Fennel

 

Alicia Fennel

 

Darrell Fennel

 

Hank Fennel

See Fennel, Hank

R. Fennell

See Fennell, R.

P. Fennell

See Fennell, P.

Mae Fennell

See Fennell, Mae

Ben Fennell

See Fennell, Ben

K. Fennell

See Fennell, K.

M. Fennell

See Fennell, M.

Melanie Fennell

See Fennell, Melanie

Charles Fennell

See Fennell, Charles

Kurt Fenstermacher

See Fenstermacher, Kurt

Pierre de Fermat

See Fermat, Pierre de

Peter Ferrer

 

Ferret Boy

Juvenile delinquent, sunbathing-girl ogler, stealer of stuff. Ferret Boy is the darker-haired boy on the left when the thieving J.D.s make their false report to Veronica and attempt to collect 100 bucks for stealing Piz's stuff in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-funky-donut

Played by Creagen Dow.

Judge Ferris

See Ferris, Judge

Fez

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. A fez is a red felt cap with a black tassel. It's been used in formal dress and military dress, and it looks smashing when paired with a velveteen smoking jacket. Piz has got enough hair that wearing a hat of any sort is not necessary, but that doesn't stop Desmond from branding him with the nickname in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

fiaryTailTrail

A recipient of the "Emission to Mars" email. Since "fiary" isn't a word, we're guessing that it's either a misspelling of "fiery" or "fairy." And since "fairy" implies...well, someone who wouldn't be interested in watching a naked Veronica, we're thinking the former is a more likely scenario. Mr. TailTrail is a bad speller and capitalizer in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Leonardo Fibonacci

See Fibonacci, Leonardo

Fido

Fake name for Selma Rose's Pomeranians. Really, Veronica, couldn't you have been a little more creative? You could have used Shakes or Lola, for instance. Of course, you were talking to Hallie, so you needed to be pretty obvious in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-funky-donut

Stacey Fields

See Fields, Stacey

Logan Fields

See Fields, Logan

Fievel

Russian immigrant mouse. He is sort of cute, but would anybody really want to look like him? Not according to Veronica, in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Barney Fife

See Fife, Barney

Rory Finch

See Finch, Rory

Ashley Findley

See Findley, Ashley

Nurse Finn

See Finn, Nurse

Fiona

Pseudonym for the girl who stole Max's heart. Her name may change on an almost-daily basis, but her heart's loyalties remain constant, even when Max can't make up his own mind about her, whatever her name may be, in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-fulfilled

Colin Firth

See Firth, Colin

Garret Fisher

See Fisher, Garret

F. Scott Fitzgerald

See Fitzgerald, F. Scott

Patrick Fitzpatrick

See Fitzpatrick, Patrick

Ciaran Fitzpatrick

See Fitzpatrick, Ciaran

Padraig Fitzpatrick

See Fitzpatrick, Padraig

Cormac Fitzpatrick

 

Liam Fitzpatrick

 

Molly Fitzpatrick

 

Heidi Fleiss

See Fleiss, Heidi

Victoria Fletcher

See Fletcher, Victoria

Richard Flinner

See Flinner, Richard

FloJo

What do three-time Olympic gold medallist Florence Griffith Joyner and Veronica Mars have in common? We're not sure, and quite frankly we're too distracted looking at Veronica's killer gams to look for the connection. Wallace makes the comparison in 1.01 "Pilot."

-wyk

Chris Flores

See Flores, Chris

Tanya Flynn

See Flynn, Tanya

Jessie Ford

See Ford, Jessie

Caitlin Ford

See Ford, Caitlin (but only if you really want to know).

Foreman

The foreman (duh!) of the new Shark Field Stadium and in charge of seeing its blowing-up go smoothly. He chastises Danny Boyd in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff" and then finds Thumper's bike inside in 2.17 "Plan B."

-alliterator

All bios: 2.17 2.16
Played by Richard Neil.

Tammy Forrester

See Forrester, Tammy

Fortinbras

Prince of Norway in Shakespeare's Hamlet, with a claim on the crown of Denmark. He disregards the gory, in his search for glory, 'til all is hunky dory and he ends the story. A bit of a bastard really, but a great name that looks good on the blackboard in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Timothy Foyle

 

John Frampton

See Frampton, John

Connie Francis

See Francis, Connie

Frank

A lost dog. We don't know much about Frank, but we do know that he loves bones. Or is it Bones? Both have that necessary done-to-death feel about them. Frank? Which is your way? It's not the way home, or else you wouldn't be Mr. April on the Dog Beach board in 1.19 "Hot Dogs.".

-Inigo

Frankie

Name on Piz's bowling shirt. One wonders who this Frankie is and why he let Piz borrow his shirt. Was it Frank Sinatra? Frankie Faison? Franky, the Goon's sidekick? Frances "Frankie" Foster from Foster's Home of Imaginary Friends? We only know that Piz is wearing his or her shirt in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-alliterator

Ben Franklin

See Franklin, Ben

Lucy Franks

See Franks, Lucy

E. Frankston

See Frankston, E.

Franz

Together with Kevin, he comes up on Planet Zowie when Keith searches for Papa's Cabin. It is under the heading "Paradise Called Oklahoma — Chapter 13." This appears to one of those homespun stories of great warmth and strong family values. I mean, listen to this: "Following him to the cabin, Franz unsheathed his—" What? Hey, all sorts of things can be unsheathed, you know. It doesn't have to be that! Now, may I continue? Ahem. "Strange rumblings sprang from beneath—" Oh. I give up. Read it for yourselves in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Mark Fraser

See Fraser, Mark

Frat Brother

Er, frat brother. You want more? Fine, he presumably attends Hearst College, given that he lives in the Pi Sigma Sigma house. Or, you know, "attends," since most frat brothers I've ever met rarely make it to class. Frat Brother (or F.B., as his buddies like to call him) gets to utter the immortal line "Can you believe what's going on outside?" in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Played by David Manning.

The Fray

Piano rock band. Yeah, apparently, that's a genre. These sensitive guys from Denver hit it big when "How to Save a Life" was used on Grey's Anatomy and Scrubs (both hospital shows: coincidence?). Puzzling, then, that such a mainstream sensation would grace the walls of KRFF in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow

Joe Frazier

See Frazier, Joe

Freako

Pi Sigma-ite. He's a moron participating in a game where he gets points for sexual conquests (or claimed sexual conquests). He has 200 points. He's probably overcompensating for some manner of inadequacy issues. But the only really important thing here is asking the question: is he a SUPER Freako? Nobody knows in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Fred

The pretty Scooby-Doo character who isn't Daphne. Veronica thought Wallace might aspire to be like him in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Fred #2

Friend of Max who helped set him up with Chelsea who was actually a hooker named Wendy who also stripped by the name Fiona. Fred seems a little clueless, so we're pretty sure he doesn't have a girlfriend named Daphne in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-alliterator

Played by Nathan Frizzell.

French Teacher

He's in charge of the carnival's dunk tank and spends hours watching a bikini-clad Jackie plunge into gallons of cold, probably dirty water over and over. Is this guy a perv? In any case, he stops Wallace's chivalrous deeds in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-topanga

Played by Denney Pierce.

Freshman boy

One of the victims of the Welcome Wagon gang, this kid is even worse off than Piz: while Wallace's new roomie could at least keep his car, and temporarily inherit a rich man's wardrobe, all he has left is his red orange light-red bike. That will surely elevate his status on campus in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Hector Anthony.

Mr. Friedrich

See Friedrich, Mr.

Sean Friedrich

 

Froggy

Onscreen chat name. Any Frenchmen around in 1.08 "Like a Virgin"?

-Inigo

Ashley Frohling

See Frohling, Ashley

Jack Frost

See Frost, Jack

Coach Dwight Fry

See Fry, Coach Dwight

Edwin Fuller

See Fuller, Edwin

Lynn Fuller

See Fuller, Lynn

Stuart Fuller

See Fuller, Stuart

Sabrina Fuller

See Fuller, Sabrina

Jessica Fuller

 

Jesse Fuller

See Fuller, Jesse

The Funster

The name of a bald Hearst College student and Pi Sigma Sigma fraternity brother. How do we know he is bald when all we see is his name on the PiSSheads "I scored" scoreboard? It's the score that tells the tale. Poor boy has nil points. And the cost of failing to nail a girl gets one a free haircut, as explained in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

Furious RA

The Resident Advisor from Mac's hall who gets angry at Dick for being...well, a dick. Even after he feigns being lost, she doesn't believe him. If looks could kill, hers would in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Played by Wana Lee.

G.

Mysterious being. Are we stuck in House of the Dead 2? Is G. leaving his bloodstains all over the place? Is G. even a guy? Is G. even HUMAN? DOES G. STAND FOR GIRAFFE?!?!?! That's the most plausible explanation. A giraffe entered Hearst and left a message on Anthony's whiteboard at some point before (or possibly during!) 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Polter-Cow

Kenny G.

See G., Kenny

Gabe

Runs Evermore Guitars. When he can be pulled away from pretending to be a rock god, he is everything you'd expect from a loser wannabe. We wonder if he surfs the net. He also snarks at Lamb. Does that mean he is not all bad in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb"?

-Inigo

Played by Steve Monroe.

Gabriel's Thunder

A horse, of course, of course. Why does Professor Grace Schaffer have Desmond Fellows' hotel-room TV tuned to horse racing? Does she expect he'll be quick out of the gate? A dark horse in the running for her affection? Hung like a...? Oh, never mind. The equine enigma is never explained in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

John Wayne Gacy

See Gacy, John Wayne

Dorothy Gale

See Gale, Dorothy

Gamegirl

Veronica's onscreen identity at the gaming club. Was the screenname "Badass Action Figure" already taken in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con"?

-wyk

Gamer/Theatergoer

Fan of Jimmy. Jimmy may neither be famous nor all that bright, but at least someone admires his bacon, er, Hamm in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Christopher T. Miller.

ganjabuddha

The Master of Mary Jane. The Sovereign of Smoke. The Great God of Grass. He's the Ganja Buddha! And he's probably eating some munchies and making his "special" butter while watching Veronica's "special" video (aptly and grossly titled, "Emission to Mars") that he received in an email. He's probably great friends with Corny, too, in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Bill Gant

See Gant, Bill

Casey Gant

 

Juanita Gant

See Gant, Juanita

Garfield

Cartoon cat. A cheesy grin, large eyes, and enormous back paws are coupled with a lazy wit and a lazier lifestyle in newspapers around the world, including those delivered to the 09er estates of Neptune. Spawning demons such as Garfield: The Movie, the comic strip led to an explosion of merchandise, none more ubiquitous than the stuffed version. In Neptune, it clings to the plastic windows of a high school student's jeep in 1.20 "M.A.D.," and the strip engages Duncan almost as much as the news that he killed his sister in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.22 1.20

William Garfield

See Garfield, William

Aaron Garrison, Jr.

See Garrison Jr., Aaron

Gary

Associate of Vincent Van Lowe. He is responsible for getting rid of Debra Villareal's car from outside Sabrina Fuller's house so Veronica doesn't pin Sabrina's harassment on Vincent. Gary gets his orders in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Jay Gatsby

See Gatsby, Jay

J. Geils

See Geils, J.

George

Not George-Michael or Boy George, but rather the leader of Jews for Jesus Semites for the Savior, a group with rather unfortunate initials, in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-alliterator

All bios: 3.17 3.17
Played by Jeremy Glazer.

Georgi

The maker of those fine, tasty express subs in the building next door to Madame Sophie's. Actually, we don't really know if s/h/it's subs are fine or tasty. They could be nasty and gross, although we doubt it, in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-alliterator

Georgia

Neptune High student and certainly on Wallace's mind. Wallace, you should make every effort to keep her around. Do you know how hard it is to find a cute, nice girlfriend who is shorter than you? She is the slightly thick but pretty and pleasant victim in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Kyla Pratt.

Gerry

Resident advisor at Lannigan Hall, San Diego State University. WTF!? Is it common for RAs to act as young and stupidly as their charges? Did he ever try to find out what the Silicon Mafia were up to or did he just want to keep chillin' in an absurd hat? Did Veronica know he'd be a pushover when she went for the keys to Grant Winters's room or was she just lucky in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con"?

-Inigo

Played by Brennan Taylor.

Gertrude

Hamlet's mom. She married her dead husband's brother within seconds minutes hours days weeks months of becoming a widow, freaking out her adolescent son. "Frailty, thy name is woman," says the bitter youth, condemning her rush to incestuous sheets. "Tosh," says Gertrude, "but come on over for some motherly love." Okay. We made up the second one. Gertrude's status is explored in English class in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Dave Gibbons

See Gibbons, Dave

Bryan Gibson

See Gibson, Bryan

Deputy Gills

 

Gilmore Girl

One of the two titular Lorelai Gilmores in Gilmore Girls. Oy with the pop culture references already! It's not like those coffee-drinking cuties known for their witty repartee have drastically increased the number of people seeing a certain crime-solving cutie known for her witty repartee. Besides, if Wallace were really a Gilmore girl, he would have found Logan's "half brother" a little more familiar. One thing we do know, however: Wallace would totally clean up at Al's Pancake World. Wallace does not, sadly, exclaim, "Copper boom!" in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Polter-Cow

Gina

Drama chick and student at Neptune High. Carmen convinces Tad to negotiate a deal for X with Seth on this girl's intelligence in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo

Mr. Ginsberg

See Ginsberg, Mr.

Girl

She takes the bomb hysteria sweeping Neptune High as an excuse to go home, raising suspicion that it is love of the beach that drives her away rather than fear of the school blowing up in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Anneka Nishijima.

Girl #2

A friend of Hannah's. She, er, likes large grey sweaters and pink shirts...and, uhm, fails to have a name. Yeah. She also informs Logan that Hannah has been sent to boarding school in Vermont in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Played by Reem Mahmood.

Howard Gitlin

See Gitlin, Howard

Tammy Gittelson

See Gittelson, Tammy

Lawrence Givens

See Givens, Lawrence

Glen

Sully's roommate. He may also be an evil hellgod named Bory. Glen is Bory. Now, do we suspect that Glen and Bory have some sort of connection? Nobody's very stoned, but we suspect Glen will be in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-alliterator

Played by Charlie Weber.

Glen #2

Unless Sully's skipped out and it's the same guy, another Hearst College roommate. This Glen shares his room with a rico suave nerd, giant posters of soccer players, and the smell that can only come from the rooms of those who partake of vast quantities of alcohol. At least he's got the TV to keep him warm in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo

GoalHole69

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P forum with a surprisingly dirty name who responded to ParaVISION's thread "I'm circumcised, have my been violated or infringed upon?" GoalHole might be providing some useful advice for the Paraster, but we'll never see in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-alliterator

Goat Boy

Pi Sigma Sigman. Perhaps if this satyrical fellow focused his saturnalia less on billy goats gruff and more on maidens fair, he'd have a frat score higher than nine points. Lechery is wasted on the...wait, is there a proper target for lechery? Anyway, it's there in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Dr. Godot

See Godot, Dr.

Goethals

See Goethals,

Lauren Goff

See Goff, Lauren

Mr. Gold

See Gold, Mr.

Justin Goldberg

See Goldberg, Justin

Goldilocks

Fairy tale about bestiality. Um, I mean, a girl with golden locks and three bears. Yeah. Veronica is definitely smarter than her in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Stanley Goldman

See Goldman, Stanley

Kenneth Goldman

See Goldman, Kenneth

Linda Goldman

See Goldman, Linda

Gollum

An ex-hobbit in J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings quadrilogy (Gollum was in the prequel, The Hobbit). Sauron's ring transformed Gollum from a nice hobbit into a twisted creature consumed with greed, willing to bite off anybody's fingers to get his hands on the ring. His mantra? "My preeeccccioooousss." For some reason Gorya "Gory" Sorokin feels like Gollum when holding the new Castle confessions. That's a bad metaphor, since we don't think it's the confessions that transformed them into greedy people. We're thinking that perhaps Logan should have bitten off Gory's finger to teach him a lesson: leave the geek culture references to the professionals. Unfortunately, there's no finger biting in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Jay Gomer

See Gomer, Jay

Mrs. Goodman

 

Woody Goodman

 

Rodney Goodman

 

Gia Goodman

 

Mr. Goodwood

See Goodwood, Mr.

Ramone Goose

See Goose, Ramone

Dylan Goran

See Goran, Dylan

Government Teacher

He tells his students to break up into groups of four, making Veronica the odd-woman-out. Did he bother to count the number of students in his class before making this humiliating request? Or was this fast-talking teacher daydreaming about the livestock auction he'd be calling later that day in Chino? No one is sure in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-topanga

Played by Tristan Poje.

Benita Graham

See Graham, Benita

Grandmonster

Publishing magnate and Casey's grandmother. The nickname? The senior Gants would call it affectionate. But what else would one expect from a leeching daughter and son-in-law? They are seen for what they are in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Ulysses S. Grant

See Grant, Ulysses S.

Great Triton

Leader of the Tritons. Or a figment of the imagination in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Nestor Greely

See Greely, Nestor

Harvey Greenblatt

 

Harry Greene

See Greene, Harry

Billy Greene

See Greene, Billy

Greenhornes

Garage rock revival band. These guys just couldn't let garage rock die in the '60s like all those people in Vietnam! Also, they can't spell. Clearly greenhorns to the English language, they have a poster seen in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Polter-Cow

William Griffen

See Griffen, William

Hannah Griffith

 

Dr. Tom Griffith

 

Howard Grigsby

See Grigsby, Howard

Mrs. Grimley

See Grimley, Mrs.

Josh Groban

See Groban, Josh

Adam Grossman

See Grossman, Adam

Grover

Missing dog, not to be mistaken for this other missing dog. They just accidentally look alike, really. It's not because they are both played by Kristen Bell's own dog, Shakes. Bell's lovable pointy-eared fur kid models Grover — and Shakes — in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

GrrlLOVER

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. who ponders, "gay, or just open?" That's a very good question, Ms. LOVER. If you enjoy the occasional grrl-on-grrl action, does that make you a total homosexual or just someone open to not using vowels once in a while? Reply to this topic in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

Grrrantula

The gaming club screen name of Grant Winters. Sailor Moon Veronica crushes him easily by simple means of turning traitor. That's our girl! He's pissed about that in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Guccio Gucci

See Gucci, Guccio

Guildenstern

Character in Hamlet. He is nought but a pawn, as unbeknownst to him, his enemy, Florin, has engaged one who takes pride in that prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition — starting a war. He is to be blamed for the murder of Buttercup and.... What? Oh, Guildenstern. Ah. He is nought but a pawn, as unbeknownst to him, his enemy, Hamlet, has engaged in that prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition — forgery. He and his friend are to be blamed for the fomenting of troubles between Denmark and England and are executed. The end. Life sucks when you're a minor character. Mr. Daniels should know in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Guy with Camera

This fan asks Logan, "Are you the son?" Did he really think Logan could be the Echolls's daughter? Give him points for bravery, not genius. He eventually gets a picture of Aaron and Logan in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-topanga

Played by Carey Scott.

Tucker Gwartz

See Gwartz, Tucker

Mae Hadwell

See Hadwell, Mae

Monica Hadwin

See Hadwin, Monica

Trevor Hale

See Hale, Trevor

Annie Hall

See Hall, Annie

John Hall

See Hall, John

Hall and Oates

Musical duo of the '70s and '80s. They, uh, rocked? This act was and might still be real (expect them on the next season of Hit Me Baby One More Time). Vincent Van Lowe might be a fan. But then you'd think he'd know which was which if he was a real fan. He sings their song "Private Eyes," badly. His performance rocks, not, in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Hamburglar

Part of a team of McDonald's mascots. Hamburglar was distinctive in that he always wore his jail outfit and yet we never saw him in jail. We're thinking he paid off Ronald McDonald somehow. And yet, he's still better than the Burger King King. Veronica wants Hamburglar-free glasses in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-alliterator

Bryce Hamilton

See Hamilton, Bryce

Adam Hamilton

See Hamilton, Adam

Vanessa Hamilton

See Hamilton, Vanessa

Yolanda Hamilton

See Hamilton, Yolanda

Hamlet

The original angry, screwed-up and screwed young man from the Shakespeare play of the same name. Hamlet battles with himself as he sways between angry vengeance and the need to do justice, struggling against doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Sound like anyone you know? Logan and Weevil let the lesson wash over them in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door", but there may be hope for them. They start to use their brains just as the play is revived at Neptune High. A coincidence? I think not. Judge for yourself in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.09 1.07

Hamm

Character in Beckett's Endgame. Jimmy Spain plays him, when not helping to con the terminally stupid, in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Victor Hammer

See Hammer, Victor

Ray Lee Hampstead

See Hampstead, Ray Lee

Kevin Hand

See Hand, Kevin

Hank

Not to be confused with Hank "Ziggy" Zigman, this is the Hank from Action News. Just give him a call and he'll send you the news in your very own handy video, or at least he does it for Veronica in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-Inigo

Hank #2

Character in Storm Warning. Wallace doesn't want to wait to watch Doris Day die in the old black-and-white movie if it means Keith and Alicia continue cooing and cuddling. He forces Alicia home before Hank's fate is determined in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Jill Hanks

See Hanks, Jill

Hans

Dog man with a van and low morals. Hans works at the dog pound and with JW, steals dogs for the reward money. On the side, he is collecting Dalmatian puppies for Cruella DeVille. At eighteen, he's looking forward to that community soap Veronica promises, after his taser massage, in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Played by Matthew Carey.

Hart Hanson

 

Happy

Big, scary dude. Also known as Mr. Happyfists. He enforces things for Wendy's madame. But he doesn't really seem too happy in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-funky-donut

Played by Windell D. Middlebrooks.

Mr. Happyfists

See Happyfists, Mr.

Joe Hardy

See Hardy, Joe

Frank Hardy

See Hardy, Frank

Dean Harlow

See Harlow, Dean

Mrs. Harmon

See Harmon, Mrs.

Emma Harris

See Harris, Emma

Nick Harris

See Harris, Nick

Harrison

See Harrison,

George Harrison

See Harrison, George

Harry

Apollo Bukenya's roommate. Having an English accent isn't enough to make Harry a blip on Veronica's radar when she first interviews Apollo, but she does tap him as a resource when Apollo starts avoiding her. Harry gives Veronica a spot of trouble when none of his suggestions to find his errant roommate pan out. Harry is quite the artful PI-dodger in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Tom Connolly.

Harry and David

Venerable maker of fine fruit baskets. Also inadvertently the maker of childhood drama. Logan recalls Aaron's pear-as-a-weapon abusive episode to Norman Phipps. Well, at least he can't accuse dear old Dad of being uncreative in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf.".

-bethgee

Coach Hart

See Hart, Coach

Darren Hartman

See Hartman, Darren

Josh Hartnett

See Hartnett, Josh

Walt Harvey

See Harvey, Walt

P.J. Harvey

See Harvey, P.J.

Madison Harwell

See Harwell, Madison

David Hasselhoff

See Hasselhoff, David

Mrs. Deborah Philipina Hauser

 

Albert Hauser

See Hauser, Albert

Sadie Hawkins

See Hawkins, Sadie

Grover Hayes

See Hayes, Grover

Hunter Hayes

See Hayes, Hunter

Mercer Hayes

 

Deputy Haymark

See Haymark, Deputy

Head Jerk

For being the head of jerks, he sure doesn't seem to say much besides, we think, "Who is this girl?" If we're not mistaken, he bears a striking resemblance to Lenny Sofer in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Jesse C. Boyd.

Carly Hearn

See Hearn, Carly

William Randolph Hearst

See Hearst, William Randolph

Roger Hearst

See Hearst, Roger

Heat Miser Character from The Year Without Santa Claus. It performs a song which is one of Keith's favorite Christmas moments. Duncan is a fan too which is sweet. Until he starts to sing. Then Logan thinks about throwing up and our ears bleed in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas." -Inigo

OMG, don't!

Martin Heidegger

See Heidegger, Martin

Larry Heinrich

See Heinrich, Larry

Helicopter Pilot

The upgrade to the Bond villain's chauffeur, he flies Big Dick Casablancas to safety in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Ivor Shier.

Helm

See Helm,

Ernest Hemingway

See Hemingway, Ernest

Hendrich

See Hendrich,

Patrick Henry

See Henry, Patrick

Hermann Hesse

See Hesse, Hermann

Hester

One of Veronica's many aliases. Hester Prynne may have gotten in the family way with her local preacher man, but Veronica just uses the scarlet woman as a cover when faced with a pastor for the television age in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-starxdsparrow

Jennifer Love Hewitt

See Hewitt, Jennifer Love

Judge High Heels

See High Heels, Judge

Laura Hildebrand

See Hildebrand, Laura

Hildegard

A horse, of course. The Moon Calf Collective is nursing her to health in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Mrs. Hill

See Hill, Mrs.

Benny Hill

See Hill, Benny

Jonathan Hillhouse

See Hillhouse, Jonathan

Hillside Strangler

Serial killing double act. The yen of the press to create nicknames failed them in this case (there were two perps) and fails them in the case of Neptune's E-String Strangler (victims were not strangled). Accuracy not being Lamb's forte, the sheriff makes similar mistakes in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Paris Hilton

See Hilton, Paris

His Dudeness

Alternate moniker for The Dude, possibly when drinking Crown Royal. Veronica worships His Dudeness in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

Alfred Hitchcock

See Hitchcock, Alfred

Adolf Hitler

See Hitler, Adolf

Jilly Ho

See Ho, Jilly

Jimmy Hoffa

See Hoffa, Jimmy

Jimmy Hoffman

See Hoffman, Jimmy

Dustin Hoffman

See Hoffman, Dustin

Sherlock Holmes

See Holmes, Sherlock

Holst

See Holst,

Homeless Vet

No, not a homeless veterinarian, but a veteran (of what war is never stated, but we're thinking it either begins with a V or K or possibly G) formerly of the Marines. He may be homeless, but he has his pride. He doesn't have a lot of his pride, but he has enough to reject Logan's offer of a hundred bucks to participate in one of his bum fights in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-alliterator

Played by Reginald Ballard.

Hometown Honeys

Stick figures in lingerie. The magazine FHM (For Him Magazine, if you can believe it; a more misogynistic name has never been used except for perhaps Barefoot and Pregnant magazine) shows weekly "Hometown Honeys," fashion models from different towns across the good ol' US of A. Apollo Bukenya has a poster of one of them on his wall. So besides playing Grand Theft Auto, he likes looking at the ladies. Well, we can't blame him in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-alliterator

Jisoo Hong

See Hong, Jisoo

Robert Hooke

See Hooke, Robert

Dr. Hoover

See Hoover, Dr.

Horatio

Character in Hamlet. He is Hamlet's BFF, much like Wallace is Veronica's. But do you find Horatio running off in the middle of the play over personal issues, probably trying his luck at sea fighting the French with a blonder and much more British Lee Adama? Horatio sticks around to the bitter end in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-Inigo, grimsqueaker

All bios: 2.09 1.21 1.07

Horny

A Veronica alias nickname. In her persona of sports-crazy Betty, Veronica announces to the students at Pan High that she was Horny for the Rhinos at Riverdale. Does Veronica really chose Riverdale because of the Archie comics or because their team would be the Rhinos and she is feeling randy in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica"?

-Inigo

Deputy Horowitz

See Horowitz, Deputy

Samuel Horshack

See Horshack, Samuel

Jean Horton

See Horton, Jean

Frank Horvath

See Horvath, Frank

Paul H. Hoshi

See Hoshi, Paul H.

Hot MySpace Girl #2

A hot girl that Dick meets over the interweb. Her father does taxes for half of some sports team, and she claims she wants to bring Dick to one of said team's games, where she could show him the "tour" of her private "box." Of course, this is all a ruse for her to trap him and reveal her master plan: she was friends with Lisa and they were going to give some dissatisfaction to Dick in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Christina Ulloa.

Hotel Clerk

In her function as an informative bit character, she helpfully quenches Veronica's thirst for knowledge by telling her that there is neither a Mars nor a Fennel staying at her hotel. She even looks somewhat hot while doing it, proving that a lot of hard work, and careful posturing, can enhance even the smallest role. Watch out for this one in 1.20 "M.A.D.."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Anne Tran.

Hotel Manager

The man at the Neptune Grand. He is the man with the plan to extricate the hotel's rolling tables from where they stand immobile, burdened with congealed food in Logan's suite. This is a man of gravitas. This is a man of fine breeding. This is a man who should have a better reason to insist on entry to one of his guest rooms. It is downright undignified to have to say that the hotel is running out of salt and pepper shakers. The hotel manager is forced to eschew his disdain in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-Inigo

Played by John Bisom.

Kenny Houseman

See Houseman, Kenny

Whitney Houston

See Houston, Whitney

Howard

Prison guards go where they're sent, so pity poor Howard. He could have been posted to Cell Block H or watched over bad girls or been a witness to a redemption in Shawshank. He might have learned to appreciate birds in Alcatraz or that prison's geological nature or intricate tattoos. He might have enjoyed porridge with Paul Edgecomb or Father Ray. Best posting would have been to become #3, ditch the gun, and have a huge great bubble at his beck and call. Poor Howard. All he gets is a ten-second slot to escort Cormac Fitzpatrick out of jail in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Inigo

Played by John Zacchino.

Doogie Howser, M.D.

See Howser M.D., Doogie

Iris Huezo

See Huezo, Iris

Iris Huezo #2

See Huezo #2, Iris

Mrs. Huffman

See Huffman, Mrs.

Howard Hughes

See Hughes, Howard

The Hulk

See Hulk, The

Humpty

An imaginary PCH bike gang member invented by Veronica. Have Veronica's dealings with Weevil's gang resulted in her becoming acquainted with an especially protein-rich biker? One with an aversion to walls, perhaps? Or does one of Weevil's boys have a particular fondness for men on horses? Whatever the reason for this choice of epithet, Thumper seems quite displeased to be called such in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-public displays of lust

Pamela Hunsaker

See Hunsaker, Pamela

Jim Hunsaker

See Hunsaker, Jim

Will Hunting

See Hunting, Will

The Huntingdons

See Huntingdons, The

Albert Huntley

See Huntley, Albert

Gabe Huntley

See Huntley, Gabe

Huron

Graffiti star of one of the Balboa County Sheriff's Department interrogation rooms. At least, it seems more likely that the block caps on the wall refer to a person than to a Great Lake or an Indian tribe, whose name is derived from the French word for rough. The big question is this: why did Lamb allow someone in interrogation to write their name on the wall? Could it have anything to do with Lamb batting his eyelashes at Logan on the mention of a conjugal visit? Is Huron Lamb's bit of rough, snatching moments under cover of just a few more questions? Who knows? All is not revealed in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Inigo

Timothy Hutton

See Hutton, Timothy

Iago

Character from Shakespeare's Othello. A miscellany of posters decorate the walls and the fronts and sides of the lockers at Neptune High. Prominent amongst them is one celebrating the sly, manipulative, amoral villain of the Bard's tragedy:
I do hate him as I hate hell-pains.
And did you see the handkerchief.
Go out and cry a mutiny.
O, beware, my lord of jealously.
Pirate Pride gives way to English literature in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.07 1.01

Ice Cold Man

Creepy de-programmer. About as compassionate and warm as a Borg drone, he helps the Gants securing their income son's well-being in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Ray Proscia.

Ice Man

A character in the popular comic book Uncanny X-Me— oh, wait, wrong one. Actually, this Ice Man is a nickname for Chip Diller and probably an in-joke for Aaron Ashmore, whose twin brother played Iceman in the X-Men movies. There was also a play (and later movie) called The Iceman Cometh, though it's more likely Chip's referencing Val Kilmer's nickname in Top Gun than a Eugene O'Neill play in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Imitation Crab

Radio alias of Vincent "Butters" Clemmons. You'd think, wouldn't you, that given the opportunity to name yourself, you'd at least choose a title that doesn't imply you can't live up to crustacean standards. And yet, Butters is just the kind of self-deprecating out-of-the-box thinker AM 540 needs. Tri-corner hats off, o humble seafood! Vince is the Diet Coke, the margarine, the Splenda, the imitation crab of cool in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Imposing Guy

Very imposing man who works for the Madame. He's simply gigantic. When Madame needs to intimidate junior PIs and their clients, he's the go-to guy. Dude is about 8 feet tall, no exaggerating, so no wonder 5'1" Veronica might be a little intimidated by him in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-funky-donut, dutchmoxie

Played by Robert "Bonecrusher" Mokes.

Indigo Girl

One of two in a popular folk duo. And, did you hear? They're TOTALLY GAY. Which means that any sort of lesbian poetry demands a reference. Having been outed as a kindred spirit, Marlena Nichols is a little closer to fine in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

INS Agent

An agent for the Immigration and Naturalization Services, he
handcuffs and removes for being here with an expired visa. Unlike Veronica, this guy isn't charmed with Nasir's Omar Sharif-like charm, or perhaps he just never saw Doctor Zhivago in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Chet Grissom.

iPod Girl

Kendall's nickname for Veronica. Someday, we hope to see The Adventures of iPod Girl and Her Waxy-Eared Boyfriend in comic shops, but it's not to be in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Isis

Cow. At the Moon Calf Collective. Veronica's utter lack of country know-how makes her an udder muddler in an otherwise rudderless 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Jack

Student at Neptune High. He is not as good a basketball player as Wallace, he's not as rich as the 09ers and he is not allergic to parrots or goats. This adds up to Jack being a dirty, low-down, game-fixing mascot-napper in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Christopher Babers.

David Jackson

See Jackson, David

Phil Jackson

See Jackson, Phil

Mick Jagger

See Jagger, Mick

Alfons Maria Jakob

See Jakob, Alfons Maria

James

Childhood friend of Apollo Bukenya. As a conscripted child soldier in Uganda, James was forced to murder Apollo's mother when the other soldiers realized that he knew Apollo. We'd try to make some witty joke, but it's really just too sad of a story in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-misskiwi

Rebecca James

 

LeBron James

See James, LeBron

Tracy James

See James, Tracy

Jamie

Gabrielle's older boyfriend from Blender, the L.A. nightclub. If her parents knew, they'd disown her. She sneaks out with Yolanda Hamilton for nookie in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Jamie #2

Gambling gopher of college casino king Mercer Hayes. This kid doesn't look old enough to play Old Maid, never mind poker. As for buying booze, even in liberal, corrupt Neptune, it's laughable. Yet Mercer sends him out for the vodka in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Jania

Girl whose friend is passed out on the dance floor. She's the kind of girl you want on your side: empathetic, caring, and kind, she wouldn't leave you stranded if you were drunk and would carry you to safety herself and make sure you're okay. Well, either that, or she'd call some rather shady characters to do the fireman's carry for her and try not to step on you while she's dancing. Her drunk friend gets Fern's royal treatment in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-fulfilled

Played by Jamie Chung.

Janitor

Janitor at Hearst College. All he did was get paid to clean the floor outside Tim Foyle's office, but he finds himself drawn into a life of illicit breaking and entering when Veronica gets her claws into him. Okay, so mostly he just lets her into Foyle's office when Veronica tearfully explains that she's Tim's adopted sister in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-ninamazing

Played by Wayne Nickel.

Jasmine

Neptune High student. Veronica's third customer for her thriving I Know What You Did Last Century, Mom and Dad business for errant teens in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Amber Ojeda.

Jasmine #2

Character in Aladdin on Ice. Debra Villareal is playing her on tour, whether it be in Omaha or in Europe. Veronica is a little confused in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Jasmine #3

Taut blonde in Taut Blonde. "Taut" is a synonym for "tight," which is the opposite of "loose." Wouldn't a loose blonde be more appropriate for this sort of publication? Why would a purveyor of pornography be interested in a woman who is ti...oh. Eww. How did the UPN censors miss this in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction"?

-Polter-Cow

Jason

Hearst College student and friend of Bronson. Logan took his place as Parker's partner in a Valentine's Day Scavenger Hunt when Jason was conveniently unavailable. Hmm. A little too convenient, if you ask me. Jason is obviously an agent planted by the anti-Logan/Veronica 'shippers as part of an elaborate plot to set up Logan and Parker in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-misskiwi

Jay

Basketball player at Hearst College. Playing as #23 in practice sessions at least, he is called upon by one of his teammates to get underneath the ball. Why? Well, either it is a direction to facilitate the playing of the sport, or his teammate is looking for something quite different for his ball in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-Inigo

Jeannie

The Jeannie with the light brown hair of song fame. Not to be confused with the genie with the so-light-brown-it's-blonde hair, played by Barbara Eden on I Dream of Jeannie. (Doo do doo doo do do. Damn, that theme song is hard to get out of your head.) Lars serenades his girlfriend and tortures the rest of us in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo, alliterator

Jeannie #2

Girlfriend of Lars, she likes her love expressed through karaoke. Unfortunately, she learns that Love Hurts (especially when Lars sings) in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator

Jeeves

Logan's name for the desk manager at the Sunset Regent hotel in Los Angeles. We could tell you about the fictional character — the stupid Bertie Wooster's very smart butler in Wodehouse's wonderful series on the idiocy and pomposity of the British upper classes — but why would we when we have our very own idiotic and pompous pretend Brit to celebrate? The desk manager goes from prickly prat to unctuous underling at the sparkle of a diamond ring. He is responsible for affiancing sugar puss Veronica and Logan, albeit briefly. He delights and appalls in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Jeff

Karaoke club opportunist and prat. (Noun. A fool, idiot or objectionable person. Originally meaning the buttocks.) He was offered twenty bucks to pretend to be the Great Triton in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Miss Jeffries

See Jeffries, Miss

Jen

Bachelorette babe and friend of Heidi Kuhne. Jen's a gem, as she had all the answers to the mystery of the missing bride had Veronica Mars but listened. She provided the novelty camera that captured Vincent Van Lowe, and she mentioned the ex-boyfriend Nick and the injury to his mother. But Little Miss "I want to be a well-known TV-forum moderator" told her to stay on topic in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Inigo

Played by Danielle Vernengo.

Jen #2

Hearst College student. There's always someone around to dime Veronica out when she's minding her own business, snooping and conniving to solve a mystery. Jen warns Stacy that Veronica is lying about her true motives in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Played by Einat Tubi.

Jen #3

Student at Hearst College who lives across the hall from Parker and Mac. Her roommate's name is Kim #5, and she might even be the same person as Jen #2. Seriously, VM gods, either introduce us to these people so we know whether they're all the same or not, or start giving them more creative names! These kids are of the Madison generation! Oh, wait... At least Jen's got more messages than that bitch Kim in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Jennifer

Hearst student and devout Christian. You've got a deserted frat house that has been witness to underage drinking, casual drug use, and lots and lots of monkey sex. What would Jesus do? Scrub down those walls, clear the plumbing lines of used prophylactics, and resurrect it as a residence for Christian students. Jennifer suggests just that in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-bethgee

Played by Jennifer Thomas.

Eric Jennings

See Jennings, Eric

Steven Jennings

See Jennings, Steven

Jenny

Hearst College theater props master. She can't come up with a solution for a sticky prank played by the film students, and her Molly Ringwald-goes-Molière wardrobe choice makes you wish for some nice chicken bones to throw at her. We would call her a tool, but the synchronised murderous glares she and her fellow thespians throw at wise-cracking Veronica almost make up for her dorkier tendencies in 3.05 "President Evil."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Jennifer Segal.

Ron Jeremy

See Jeremy, Ron

Jerk 09er

Teasing mentally challenged classmate Charlie endears this young man neither to Wallace Fennel, nor to us in 2.17 "Plan B."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Sabin Lomac.

Jerky Dude

Anxious that Neptune High's general asshat average might sink below a certain point, this guy enhances Carmen's social abandonment fears by mocking her with a popsicle. He lives up to his moniker in 1.20 "M.A.D.."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Andre Boyer.

Jerry

Boss of Carly Hearn and Marvin Chase. He is occupied with trying to get his "side project" Joe to "turn around" based on some "projections" he made at "bingo," at least according to Marvin. Right, whatever. Either he was really busy hitting on Joe, or all this dialogue was just filler so Keith could get an alleged money-shot that later turns out to be...not so much. So, Jerry and Joe and their tedious love story are really just background noise in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker

jesse441

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas who was sent the video of Veronica and Piz doing a reenactment of The Full Monty. If Jesse has a girl, we hope she doesn't know what kind of emails he gets forwarded by his buddies in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Jessica

Name of a college girl who advertises as one of a threesome in the X-rated classifieds. If Jessica's made it to college, does this mean that she can now tell the difference between chicken and tuna? Since she and June sell themselves as "three" college girls, the answer is probably not in the affirmative. Jessica continues to display her educational standards in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Jessica #2

Hearst College student. When Mason brings her by Wallace's room, she encourages him to watch a movie and study later. Her thousand-watt smile makes Wallace close the books in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Kimberly Barnett.

Jet

Rock band from Australia whose poster hangs in both Mac's and Piz's rooms. Mac shares her room with Parker, and Parker is certainly no cold hard bitch, but, oh, Hearst rapist, look what you've done! Did she really answer yes to "Are you gonna be my girl?" We hope you get what you need: a kick in the nuts from Fern Delgado in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon" or an uncomfortable dance with Liam in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-Polter-Cow

All bios: 3.07 3.01

Jezebel

Gamer name at Gameland. Although there is the appropriate handle Tedster available to him, Ted fights under the name Jezebel. Freud would love Ted, one of the gaming geeks in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Jim

A fake name for someone who already has a fake name. See, Norman Phipps is pretending to be Logan's half-brother, Charlie Stone. Then, for some unknown reason, Logan calls him Jim and implies they were with hookers when he sees Veronica. Really, I'm just as clueless about why Logan called Charlie Norman "Jim" as Logan was about Norman's real identity in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Jimmy

Victim or mourner? At the site of the makeshift memorials to the victims of the Neptune High School bus crash, one victim's shrine is marked with a heart and a name. Did Jimmy plunge to his death, or was Jimmy a friend, a relation, or a lover of someone who did? Knowing how people can be, he was probably just a phantom graffiti artist in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Jo Jo

A name on a whiteboard in the office of Hearst Free Press and probably not a pop singer. Given how fast and loose that paper's agenda-fueled editor is with responsible journalism, Jo Jo is no doubt out there somewhere on campus looking for dirt on the Greeks. Here's some for you, Jo Jo. Retsina is made of turpentine, Feta cheese smells, and Hercules was a wuss. Surprisingly, these headlines did not appear in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Joan

A student at Handley High with the real, though deceased, Kendall Shiflett. Sadly, her surname begins with an S, so Joan Crawford, Joan of Arc and Joan Collins jokes have no place here. Hey, I wonder if Handley High was in Arcadia? Will wonders ever cease in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks"?

-Inigo

Joan of Arc

Saint. Aaron gives Veronica a little history lesson before trying to burn her to death, you know, to make her feel in good company. But being the twisted S.O.B. he is, he tells her Joan had a brain tumor and didn't talk to God at all; that her death by fire was for nothing. He is seeking to make a point in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Joanna

Nude model for Andre. Of all the hot cast members to do a nude scene, the writers choose this two-scene guest star?! What an incredible waste of gratuitous nudity! She shows Veronica her ass-ets in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Deborah Zoe.

Joc

Purveyor of a beer that comes in a wide-mouthed bottle. The advertisement at Corey's Market shows a buxom buckaroo advertising the beverage, and it begs the question as to whether she's the big mouth Joc in question, or if she just favors the brew. Joc of course could be related to Joe, of Joe's Big Mouth fame. Joe's Big Mouth is the drink of choice of crafty little buggers everywhere, but there's no telling who's drinking Joc's in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-starxdsparrow

Joe

A name that decorates the wall of the unused dorm wing used by Dr. Kinny for his little experiments. Joe dealt with his prisoner/guard issues by writing "Joe was here" on the wall. Rhyme-mate Moe dealt with it by becoming a gourmand, as proved by his love for Oolong tea in the past and his offer of biscotti in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Joe #2

A side project of Jerry, according to Carly Hearn. Who? Exactly. See, Carly is about to try to seduce Marvin Chase, who is Keith's client Harmony's husband. Whew. All those words for stuff with so little import in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Joe #3

One of Desmond's babysitters before Piz took over. We wonder if "Joe" might have been an easier name for Desmond to remember than "Pus" "Plax" "Pez" "Fez" "Buzz" "La Paz" "Piz" in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-misskiwi

Joey

Presumed friend of Jenny Budosh. Perhaps another spoiled rich kid who still gets a kick out of petty theft, Joey leaves a message for his or her pal while Jenny is off skiing or fraternizing with other white-collar criminals. The name automatically prompts suspicion. Buttafuoco, Potter, the titular Concrete Blonde subject? Anyone past the age of twelve, man or woman, shouldn't be using this nickname. Joey — honey — Jenny's got — the money in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-bethgee

John

Anchor on the Navigator, Neptune High School's very own TV news station. Does he sing karaoke and have a hard time keeping a girlfriend too? John's calm yet chirpy demeanor disappears when his roving correspondent outs herself at the end of her news report. His look of horror indicates the brilliant career ahead of him at Fox News in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

Played by Nathan L Davis.

Sean John

See John, Sean

John #2

Fellow Space Ghost fan? Hallmate jonesing for Cheetos? Anthony's got lots of visitors in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-bethgee

Mr. Johnson

See Johnson, Mr.

Tammy Johnson

See Johnson, Tammy

Deputy Johnson

See Johnson, Deputy

Jonathan

Name on Wallace's whiteboard. Wallace has written himself a reminder to meet Jonathan on Friday, after such other tasks as "Learn to read" (Monday), "Learn to write my name" (Tuesday), and "Stop counting on toes" (Wednesday). We hope Jonathan is some kind of gifted tutor who can bridge the gap between learning to count past twenty and passing mechanical engineering in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-misskiwi

Deputy Jones

See Jones, Deputy

Spencer Jones

See Jones, Spencer

Gary Jones

See Jones, Gary

Indiana Jones

See Jones, Indiana

Sugar Jones

See Sugar...or Spice?

Terry Jones

See Jones, Terry

Jalisa Jones

See Jones, Jalisa

Erica Jong

See Jong, Erica

Michael Jordan

See Jordan, Michael

Josh

Cult leader and pointsettia grower. He heads the Moon Calf Collective. Josh must be evil as he encourages love and understanding and this is Neptune. He tries to persuade Veronica to open herself up and let other people inside. One of his six impossible things before breakfast? And so what if he cops a feel (Vrb phrs. Get a feel of something, often applied to a grope of a sexual nature. E.g."Is it any wonder that she reported him for sexual harrassment, he always copped a feel of her bottom whenever she walked past his desk.") at the same time in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid"?

-Inigo

Played by Chris William Martin.

Rhett Joulet

See Joulet, Rhett

Milla Jovovich

See Jovovich, Milla

Juanita

She can be found at the Hot Tamale in Tijuana. We're not quite sure what she did to Logan to make him go "aye-yi-yi-yi" but no doubt it was something spiritually exhausting. Is it wrong that we find a hung-over, on-the-verge-of-puking Logan still incredibly hot in in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody"?

-Inigo, wyk

Judas

Biblical betrayer. He's basically the worst guy of all time since he sold out Jesus for a measly thirty pieces of silver. Dante thinks he deserves to be eaten by Satan for all eternity! Piz seems to think Wallace deserves the same fate just for considering macking on the same hot chick that he wants to mack on in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow

Judge

Presiding over the biker case. This lady must have limited experience of the world. She has to ask what was going on in the sheriff's department vehicle outside the Seventh Veil. Anyone with eyes and a rudimentary knowledge of men's parts would know. The only virgin to appear in 1.01 "Pilot"?

-Inigo

Played by Annie Hinton.

Judy

One of the Ladies of the Evening who advertises her "Motherly Love." Judy, Judy, Judy, how...sweet? Will she make the dreams that you dare to dream come true? Will your troubles melt like lemon drops way above her...riding crops? Somehow, I don't think Judy is like a happy little bluebird in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-alliterator

Julia

Regular at the video store at which Justin Smith works. She just loves his movie recommendations. If only she loved anti-aging cream half as much, we wouldn't feel so bad for this rapidly-aging former Homicide detective. Another reason she drives ninety miles a week to satisfy her DVD rental addiction is exposed in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-wyk

Played by Melissa Leo.

Julia #2

Logan and Wallace's sociology classmate. Despite her hopes for a weekend in solitary confinement with her boyfriend Omar, she ended up a guard to his prisoner in the class experiment, and even teamed up with Wallace to trick Omar into revealing the top-secret information in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-fulfilled

Played by Delilah Andre.

Julie

Veronica's make-believe friend. Thoughts of Julie make Veronica perky. Or a little insane. She asks Renny DeMouy for Julie's password to wish her sweet sixteen in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo

Julio

Pomeranian belonging to Selma Hearst Rose. Along with his brother Ernest, Selma has named them after famous winemakers Ernest and Julio Gallo. One could make fun of Selma for being a snob, but another one would have to point out that, after some research, it appears that E&J were a great American success story, pulling themselves up by their bootstraps after the Depression and forging a huge California industry almost single-handedly. Another one wonders why all the ones and such. ANYwho, this Pomeranian is saddled with a silly name in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-funky-donut

Jumbo

A name on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. Either this nickname means he's fat or someone can't spell "Dumbo." We're think it might be a combination of the two in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Jumbo #2

A big, two-dimensional clown hanging high above the Neptune streets, keeping watch over Jumbo's Clown Wash. Hey, if this is a clown wash, why is Weevil washing cars? Shouldn't he be hosing down some scary dudes in oversized shoes, red noses, and creepy face-paint? Instead, Jumbo's pink-and-green hair and four oversized teeth presumably attract customers to Weevil's place of employment in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-fulfilled

Miss Jumpy

See Jumpy, Miss

June

Together with Jessica and A.N. Other, unless counting is not in the curriculum, one of the "Three College Girls" who offer...services. Exactly what those services are is not spelled out. The classified ad says, "We've got the only [something] Massage team specializing in the [something] [something] [something] [something] stimulate all the [something] glands and '[something] [something]' hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.... Do you get the point of what we're trying to get across to you? If so, give us a ring and we'll get [something] [something]!" Cow! Get away from that phone! For the curious, their number can be found in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

June of 44

Indie band on a poster in Max's room. If you think that the band's name comes from D-Day, June 6, 1944, like I did, well...you'd be wrong. It actually refers to Henry Miller's wife, June, and the year that Anaïs Nin began writing about June in her diaries, which is much more artistic and esoteric. No word on whether Max likes the band because they have a cool name, because of their math-rock style, or for some other reason, but he maintains his loyalty to this band, which broke up in 2000, in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-fulfilled

Mike Jurgensen

See Jurgensen, Mike

Juror (Foreman)

Speaker of dimwits. Look, we know that Aaron Echolls is a charming man, and his acting in the courtroom is ample proof that he deserves those two Oscars, but seriously, he killed Lilly Kane. With an ashtray. On purpose. All the acting in the world won't change that. Get with the program, guys! Alas, Aaron's performance trumps reason, as this woman's words attest in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Shelley Wenk.

JW

Balboa Animal Control worker and bad guy. Together with Hans, he kidnaps the dogs of the rich and returns only those whose owners offer large rewards. As for the rest, we don't want to think about it. We wish he'd resisted arrest because Leo was so up for giving him a smackdown in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Played by Theodore R. Mercer Jr..

Nicholas Kabat

See Kabat, Nicholas

Theodore John Kaczynski

See Kaczynski, Theodore John

Franz Kafka

See Kafka, Franz

Steve Kaiser

See Kaiser, Steve

Carrie Kaiser

See Kaiser, Carrie

Kim Kaiser

See Kaiser, Kim

Kajagoogoo

Musical act of the eighties. Male Barbies, they grew their hair and then walked into an ionizer. The result was a band whose pop wasn't so much bubblegum as hot air, second only to Sigue Sigue Sputnik. Bad band with bad hair notwithstanding, Trina was thrilled to hear them in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Lew Kalt

See Kalt, Lew

Pete Kaminski

See Kaminski, Pete

Boris Kane

See Kane, Boris

Duncan Kane

 

Jake Kane

 

Charles Foster Kane

See Kane, Charles Foster

Lilly Kane

 

Celeste Kane

 

Gilda Kane

See Kane, Gilda

Karamazov Brothers

Literary creations of Dostoevsky. The Brothers Karamazov is on one level the mystery of which of three sons murdered their father and on another, something else. We never really get to know as Mrs. Murphy tries in vain to get Ben to critique it. He wants to wait for the mini-series in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Karaoke MC

This enthusiastic host searches the crowd for Veronica Mars, who's been chosen to be next up on the karaoke mike. Mr. Karaoke knows talent in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-topanga

Played by Tim Altbaum.

Karen

Den mother for the Zeta Theta Betas. Loves her girls to death (although she's paid to say they're wonderful), throws a kickass tea party, and grows pot in the back room. Veronica uncovers her sorority secret — much to everyone's dismay. Fortunately, despite losing her painkillers and her job in a campus-wide scandal, her girls are able to raise enough money for another round of chemo. The highs and lows of Karen's life are chronicled in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week" and 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-fulfilled

All bios: 3.08 3.02
Played by Mary Chris Wall.

Karl

Nom de plume for one of a number of actors hired to play the part of the super-rich, super-fake beggar of money from the gullible in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Played by Alexander Scarlis.

Karl #2

Police sketch artist from San Diego. He is fond of Veronica but that doesn't stop him from giving her the horns. Is it wrong that we think the sketch of a bedeviled Veronica is kind of hot? Veronica, Jessica Rabbit ain't got nothin' on you in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Scott Michael Morgan.

Derrick Karr

See Karr, Derrick

katchenup1

One of the usernames Lucky used to email Woody Goodman. Is Lucky a fan of Pulp Fiction? Is that why he chose this pun for a username? You of course recall Uma Thurman's joke for Fox Force Five about the family of tomatoes and the baby tomato being told to "Katchup"? Or maybe you don't. Lucky ended up with a red liquid on him that wasn't ketchup, however, in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator

Kate

Neptune High student. She tells her friend Jane about Wallace's kissing indiscretions. If she's one of those jealous friends who revels in others' pain, she might have said something like, "Girl, I told you he was no good. Kissing all over Jackie in the parking lot. Don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure I saw tongue. Hand to God, they were about to strip right there! Are you gonna be a fool and put up with that?" Of course, she could be the completely supportive friend Jane needs. We never see Kate or learn about their actual conversation, just its repercussions, in 2.17 "Plan B."

-topanga

Kato

What did Julie mean when she called Collin this? Was it some sort of reference to Kato Kaelin? Kato, Green Hornet's sidekick? Cato, Inspecter Clouseau's manservant? Julie needs to specify more in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Avi Kaufman

See Kaufman, Avi

Mr. Kavalos

See Kavalos, Mr.

Katie Keenan

See Keenan, Katie

Kelly

One of the gaming club screen names in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Kelly #2

The last victim of the E-String Strangler. She is rescued by Keith and Leo in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Misty Connelly.

Mark Kemink

See Kemink, Mark

Mike Kennedy

See Kennedy, Mike

John Fitzgerald Kennedy

See Kennedy, John Fitzgerald

Mars-Wan Kenobi

See Kenobi, Mars-Wan

Kermit the Frog

Amphibious crooner. So far, Kermit has been the only frog to ever sing a song nominated for an Academy Award. He's also made great strides towards interspecies marriage and frog-human relations. Bonnie gets his autograph on her whiteboard in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-starxdsparrow

Kevin

He'll help your mired fields of debt disappear! He'll get you out of Depressionville and into Debtfreeland! With his trusty partner Patricia #2, he'll take away all your problems and fears! Okay, we're probably exaggerating, but his ad (below the rapist's taunting one) is a little over the top as well. I mean, maybe I like it in Depressionville. I have all my stuff the way I like it in Depressionville! Wait, this isn't about me. Kevin advertises his debt-disappearing act in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Kevin #2

Together with Franz, he comes up on Planet Zowie when Keith searches for Papa's Cabin. He stars in the online tome Paradise Called Oklahoma which is sufficiently popular to have at least thirteen chapters. It's a tale of some derring-do: "Following him to the cabin, Franz unsheathed his...Strange rumblings sprang from beneath the foundation as Kevin and Franz attempted to phone papa to come rescue them...." Good to see that Planet Zowie throws up diverse entries in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Kid Rock

Metal-rap artist or something. Does Veronica really dream about meeting him every weekend for sensual massage and smoothies? Nah. She's just yanking Keith's chain. At least we hope she's kidding. She does mention the fact that she did want to marry Vanilla Ice in her youth. Veronica, stay away from these white, would-be rappers, especially at the Hedonism Lodge. The mention of Kid Rock does not impress Keith in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo

Margot Kidder

See Kidder, Margot

Søren Kierkegaard

See Kierkegaard, Søren

Kill_Zone

One of the gaming club screen names in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Killdozer

Noise rock band with the coolest name ever. Don't you want a Killdozer? It's a bulldozer...THAT KILLS! Thank you, Theodore Sturgeon. Killdozer the band sound like the weird non-radio-friendly music KRFF thrives on, hence the poster visible in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow

Killer

A chihuahua. Really. Stop laughing. Veronica wants to dress him in a sailor's outfit. Veronica, we hope you were joking about the sailor's outfit, otherwise your coolness factor dropped ten points in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo, wyk

Val Kilmer

See Kilmer, Val

Kim

A fellow partier at Heidi Kuhne's jam-packed Bacchanalia. She provides an important clue when she mentions her phone went missing, but Veronica unfortunately misses it. Ah well, I'm sure she had more than enough fun with the firemen to make up for it in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-fickledame

Played by Janora McDuffie.

Kim #2

One of Priscilla Bank's classmates. We're not sure which one she is, but we know she's definitely somewhere on the left. No, my left. My left, your right. No, your right. You know what, never mind. Kim's in the picture (somewhere) in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-alliterator

Kim #3

Jackie's mom. Oh, the web of lies that surround her! First she's a rich model living the high life in the Upper West Side, then she's a slightly transvestite-y looking waitress, literally left holding the baby. Bet she's regretting that one night stand with Terrence Cook, or perhaps letting her daughter run wild. At least her daughter returns to the flock for some hard labour in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-fickledame

Played by Glenda Redfield.

Kim #4

Name on the whiteboard on the door of Trish's room. She left a message, one that is illegible to this writer. What is it with people called Kim and our difficulty in understanding them? At least there was no sign that this Kim was testing nuclear weapons in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Kim #5

Roommate opposite Parker's room. Why are there so many Kims in the VM universe? There was Kim, one of Heidi Kuhne's friends; Kim #2, one of Priscilla Banks's classmates; Kim #3, Jackie's mom; and then there are Kim Jong-Il and Kimmy. What's next? L'il Kim? Kim Possible? Kim Basinger? Daniel Dae Kim? (Actually, that last one would be pretty cool.) The Kim army is added to in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-alliterator

Kim Jong-Il

To world peace what Britney and Kevin: Chaotic is to quality programming. The leader of North Korea will be toppled if Troy, Logan and Luke ever manage to remember their Tijuana brainstorming session of 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Kim's Friend

Friend of Kim Kaiser. She lets Veronica know that the role of Kim will be played by younger sister Carrie this evening. As fonts of useful information go, maybe she should have also told Veronica that it's smart to gather friendly reinforcements — who are already at the same party! — before rushing headlong into danger in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-leila6

Played by Whitney Anderson.

Kimmy

Wanna-Meg-be. First mistake: trying to compete with the oh-so-perfect Meg. Second mistake: French kissing the Frenchy. Third mistake: trying to outwit Veronica. Grab some popcorn you guys, this 09er smackdown is gonna be fun in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-wyk

Played by Anne Abrams.

Larry King

See King, Larry

Don King

See King, Don

King Kong

Big monkey. Or big money if Peter Jackson manages to replicate the success of his last three little efforts. The giant gorilla ain't got nothin' on Wallace in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due", and is imitated by Keith in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo, grimsqueaker

All bios: 2.03 1.02

King Lear

Tragic Shakespearean figure from the eponymous play. Veronica's choice for the results of the efforts of a million monkeys is no doubt influenced by her situation and her failure to read the product. Out vile Jell-O? Keith Mars learned long ago how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless protégé. With Veronica in his clutches, she's a girl more sinn'd against than sinning when as flies to wanton boys she is to the Sheriff, who would jail her for his sport in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Sam Kinison

See Kinison, Sam

Dr. Kinny

See Kinny, Dr.

James T. Kirk

See Kirk, James T.

Dennis Kirkpatrick

See Kirkpatrick, Dennis

KISSNKUZN

Screen name of Kelly Kuzzio on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. (Student Homosexual Internet Posting) board. The Kuzzio family's delight with the Ks and Zs in their own name alerts Veronica to the parallels between the anonymous KISSNKUZN and the Kelly clan car which bears the plate KUZZIKAN. It's a case of two plus what looks like a two adding up to four when she correctly discovers the identity of the poster who proclaimed "I can't take it anymore" in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

Tawny Kitaen

See Kitaen, Tawny

Deputy Kitsis

See Kitsis, Deputy

Travis Kittlemeyer

See Kittlemeyer, Travis

KIZZNKUZN

Poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. with a name suspiciously similar to that of Kelly Kuzzio. According to his post, he is torn apart by the conflict "gay, or just open?" Oh, KIZZ. Don't beat yourself up. You gotta have faith, like George Michael. Maeby you should first do some research into California law. Mr. KUZN's development seems a bit arrested in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

KJ

Kirk James? Kerry Jamiaca? Kreepy Jerk? Who is this mysterious person who left the note "Call me so we can hit the town, lady" on Rose's door? And why does she hate towns so much? KJ leaves ambigious messages in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Hadley Klein

See Klein, Hadley

klembomb313

Explosive duo? This address has a non-Hearst domain, which means that Dick could have sent a sexy video to a certain pair of writers who share not only a portmanteau but perhaps an email address. The real mystery is not how he could pull that off, but how there could be 312 other klembombs. Klembom get a shoutout in the Thomggiero-penned 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Phil Klemmer

See Klemmer, Phil

Brian Klemmer

See Klemmer, Brian

Chuck Klosterman

See Klosterman, Chuck

kmarsPI

Keith Mars' email account. So...the "k" stands for Keith. The "mars" is...Mars. It's a fair bet that "PI" stands for "private investigator." Direct. Straightforward. Descriptive. Not particularly humorous or clever. Just like this bio. Keith has an email account in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-public displays of lust

Susan Knight

See Knight, Susan

Knitting Grandmother

Member of the jury. She's the "feisty" one, the juror who holds out her vote. However, she's no Henry Fonda in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Ivonne Coll.

Kobe

Bored inmate with a magic marker. Kobe probably wished he were in Japan, and not in Lamb's holding cell, when he signed the wall. Aaron Echolls might be thinking the same in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-grimsqueaker

Theo Kojak

See Kojak, Theo

Kon_Artist

Yet another of the gaming club screen names in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Abel Koontz

 

Stella Koontz

See Koontz, Stella

Sarah Kramer

See Kramer, Sarah

John Kretchmer

See Kretchmer, John

Sabirah Krimani

See Krimani, Sabirah

Rashad Krimani

See Krimani, Rashad

Amira Krimani

See Krimani, Amira

Kris Kringle

Aka Santa Claus. Logan supposes Kringle could have made off with the poker cash as far as the drunken Duncan knew. Hee! Drunken Duncan! He makes an appearance, although sadly Kris Kringle does not, in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Kristi

Taut blonde in Taut Blonde. Or perhaps she's a tot blonde, which would be illegal in most states. Either way, she must be a hot blonde in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Polter-Cow

Jane Kuhne

 

Heidi Kuhne

See Kuhne, Heidi

kumarSales

Email correspondent of Woody Goodman. What can be gleaned from the scant information we have on the mysterious "kumarSales?" Well, it can be assumed that they are selling something. Perhaps something Woody bought for nefarious purposes. Perhaps something that he feigned unhappiness with and then complained about in order to get insight into the inner workings of the rival corporation that he needs to take down to further his own interests! Yes, that's right. Kumar sells White Castle burgers (far superior to Woody burgers, clearly) in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-public displays of lust

Akira Kurosawa

See Kurosawa, Akira

N. Kusak

See Kusak, N.

Ashton Kutcher

See Kutcher, Ashton

Kelly Kuzzio

 

Boyd L.

See L., Boyd

La Paz

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Desmond is nothing if not geographically accurate — La Paz is the capital of Bolivia. El Piz, however, can't even capitalize on the number of chicks Desmond almost gets naked when Deputy Sacks busts up the skinny dipping in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Becky Lacey

See Lacey, Becky

Lacey

Whiteboard tagger. She was at Bonnie's door, and apparently, she was smiling about it. Lacey spreads the love in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-starxdsparrow

Nick Lachey

See Lachey, Nick

Laertes

In Shakespeare's Hamlet, he is the son of the slain-by-mistake Polonius, the brother of the suicidal Ophelia, and the foil to Hamlet, until he and Hamlet kill each other. If Logan and Weevil had jumped into Lilly's open grave to fight over who loved her more, they could have been modern counterparts of the tragic young men. Instead, the 09er and the biker just observe the quick and the dead in English class in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.12 1.07

Sheriff Don Lamb

 

Dawn Lamb

See Lamb, Dawn

Rhonda Landers

See Landers, Rhonda

Natalie Landers

See Landers, Natalie

Doris Landers

See Landers, Doris

Mr. Landon

See Landon, Mr.

Professor Hank Landry

 

Brewer Landry

See Landry, Brewer

Mr. Lang

See Lang, Mr.

Connor Larkin

See Larkin, Connor

Larry

One of Trish and Kurt's "artist" "friends." Given the "quality" of Larry's "artwork," it should offend Trish greatly that he uses her likeness as his muse. It also shouldn't be too surprising to discover that he "borrowed" Kurt's playbook to ensure some "lucky" bets on the football game, suddenly making it a lot easier to pay his tuition bill. Larry finds himself unexpectedly short on paint money when Veronica thwarts his plans in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-fulfilled

Played by Erik Eidem.

Lars

 

Chesty LaRue

See LaRue, Chesty

Estée Lauder

See Lauder, Estée

Cyndi Lauper

See Lauper, Cyndi

Lauren

Logan as a girl. You've seen those little skips, hops and jumps. What else can explain the boy's gayness? And all because Rosie Perez gave him a purse. The truth comes out of the closet in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Avril Lavigne

See Lavigne, Avril

Ethan Lavoie

 

Jude Law

See Law, Jude

Johnny Law

See Law, Johnny

Jaime Leahy

See Leahy, Jaime

Jeffrey Lebowski

See Lebowski, Jeffrey

Hannibal Lecter

See Lecter, Hannibal

Sara Lee

See Lee, Sara

Mr. Lee

See Lee, Mr.

Bruce Lee

See Lee, Bruce

Bill Lee

See Lee, Bill

Lee

Owner of Lee's Walk-In Donuts, Neptune's answer to Al's Pancake World. We're not entirely sure what the nature of his establishment is. Does he make donuts so large you can walk into them? If you walk in, do you get a donut? Is there no drive-thru? And can someone with a law degree explain what in tarnation a lien is? Cliff brings up having helped Veronica put one against the donut shop in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Polter-Cow

Mrs. Lee

 

Parker Lee

 

Chanter Legris

See Legris, Chanter

John Lennon

See Lennon, John

Jay Leno

See Leno, Jay

Catherine Lenova

See Lenova, Catherine

Leon

Mechanical engineering student who vaaants to suuuck your blooooood. Or so his supervisor would have Veronica believe when she needs his cryptography expertise, since Leon's work habits are primarily nocturnal. Of course, when you're a graduate student wedged into a windowless basement office, your sense of time tends to go a little wonky, and it certainly doesn't help with the pastiness. Or, um, so I've heard. Leon either curses his windowless existence or has an abnormal fear of garlic toast in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-misskiwi

Played by Jerry Shea.

LeonyPony

Poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. board. This person's thread title could refer to a lot of possible contents, but with our minds firmly planted in the gutter, we are guessing the descriptions of that first special moment are either poetical, crude, or baseball metaphors. Frank discussion might take place on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. board in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-grimsqueaker

Leroy

A name and a number in a matchbook. Lilly created it to get at Celeste. Veronica recalls more life with Lilly in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Carrie Ann Leskey

See Leskey, Carrie Ann

Letters Organize

Hardcore punk band. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhh!!!! Letters letters organize!!! I like to take my letters and I put them in an order like the %&#$ing alphabet now I'm running for the border! Seriously, kids, you sound like a bunch of rebel secretaries. How did your poster earn a coveted spot on the KRFF door in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes"?

-Polter-Cow

Lev

Member of a completely legitimate business establishment. Moider? Who said anything about moider? Those two bodies, they, uh, fell offa da truck. The thing with the woodshop and the heavy garbage bags is got nuthin' to do with nuthin'. My associate and I were merely...cleaning up after some rats. Didn't nobody get whacked. Who you talkin' to? I said, who you talkin' to? Was it my weasel of a nephew? I bet he's got a big mouth in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Dr. Al Levine

 

Liz Levine

See Levine, Liz

Adam Levine

See Levine, Adam

Jodie Levine

See Levine, Jodie

Melissa Lewis

See Lewis, Melissa

Liam

Con artist and computer genius. With Grant Winters, he scams money from suckers to fund the software development of a video game that is set to shake the earth's foundations. What is it with geeks and hyperbole? He gets his comeuppance in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Played by Robert Baker.

Liamator

One of the gaming club screen names. It would make sense that it is Liam's nom de geek but in another scene he appears to be Coppertop. Go "Huh?" with us in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

LifeIsABeach

Onscreen chat name. It is used by Veronica pretending to be Kimmy who wants to be Meg who is wrongfully accused of being a slut by her purer-than-Snow White boyfriend who turns out to be a pig. The chat is chatty in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-wyk

Gordon Lightfoot

See Lightfoot, Gordon

Lightning Mike

Homeless man from Balboa Park. Logan recruits him for his bum fights in his misguided attempt to win Time magazine's Man-of-the-Year cover. The amateur boxing takes off in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-Inigo

Limo Driver

Unfortunately, this long-lost twin of Captain Kangaroo doesn't have Wallace's skills for driving a getaway car and gets Wallace busted in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-topanga

Played by Ben DiGregorio.

Linda

Caterer to the Hearst College reception. She serves information seasoned with light snark, in the proud tradition of caterers interviewed by private detectives named Mars. That's really all we learn about Linda in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Linda Bailey Walsh.

Lindbergh baby

Kidnapped and murdered son of flying hero and possible part-time Nazi Charles Lindbergh. Veronica is way too young to be involved in this tragic cause celebré of 1932, so is the baby really what Lamb is searching for in her locker in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons"?

-Inigo

Herbert Lindsay

See Lindsay, Herbert

Lisa

A Veronica alias, a sorority skank. Crabs, Veronica? What with crab puffs at the Echolls funeral wake and Veronica's attempt to find Ben Bloom, those little guys are all over the place in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Lisa #2

The name on the whiteboard opposite Mac's and Parker's room. Is Bart's sister all grown up and going to college now? Is Lisa Kudrow slumming it? Or perhaps she's just some random girl named Lisa. Okay, that's probably it in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Lisa #3

Message leaver for Anthony Martin. Probably not as smart as Simpson, as hip as Loeb, or as mysterious as Mona, this Lisa is looking for Anthony in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-bethgee

Lisa #4

Hot MySpace girl with an intelligence that belies her having a MySpace page. Dick thinks he is onto a good thing when he invites her and another chick as his date to Parker's birthday party whereupon he can check out which is hotter before dumping the other one. His plan succeeds beyond his wildest dreams when the two meet and promise him Doublemint heaven. Of course, they're kidding. Unlike Dick, the girls are not fools and, being Internet friends, knew from the start what he was up to. They dump his sorry ass, leaving him only with a bucket of ice for comfort in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Inigo

Played by Amy Main.

The Little Ones

Jaunty indie popsters from California. They subscribe to Uncle Lee's Rule of Feet, to whit: "a song was deemed appropriate if, and only if each of the Little Ones' feet could shuffle." The crayon-esque cover of their Sing Song EP graces the walls of Hearst College Radio's outer office, amongst the punksters and the rocksters and the down-and-dirty clubsters in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity." A track from it, "Lovers Who Uncover," is the musical accompaniment to Kama Sutra contortions in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-Inigo

All bios: 3.14 3.06

Lizette

Hooker who made a quick grand at the Neptune Grand. She's a full-service escort, willing to take on both Logan and Veronica. It might come at cost, but Logan doesn't seem to mind the extra cash. She was the uncalled-for call girl in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Julia Lehman.

Leonard Lobo

 

Alison Lohman

See Lohman, Alison

Lois

Clarence Wiedman's assistant. She gets his calls and tends his plants in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Lola

Dognapped canine. Veronica rescues Kristen Bell's dog in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Lola #2

A dog on a poster on a computer screen. Probably based on Kristen Bell's real-life dog, Lola witnesses the first recorded business meeting of Mac and Beaver. This should be the beginning of a beautiful friendship in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-grimsqueaker

Lolita

A character in a book by Vladimir Nabokov about an older man obsessed with a teenage seductress. Veronica's imitation is more Valley-girlish, so she would be Whoa-lita. Though perhaps with the sadness she feels, she would be Woe-lita. Or maybe with her new position at Mars Investigations, she would be Quid-Pro-Quo-lita. Or Apropos-lita. Hey, if she were a Star Wars fan, she would be A-Long-Long-Time-Ago-lita! Okay, that's enough. Veronica is the light of my fire, fire of my loins shows her seductress side in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Jack London

See London, Jack

London

Veronica's alter-ego. In that ridiculous great tradition that gives us Chelsea Clinton, Brooklyn Beckham and Paris Hilton, Veronica tells Wallace Fennel that she has adopted the name and grown four inches in the nineteen hours since she last sent him an email. Does this mean that Keith and Lianne honeymooned in England's fair capital? Was Jake Kane there too? And really, can Veronica London be surprised that Wallace isn't responding when all she ever talks about is "me, me, ME"? No response is forthcoming, even to this staggering news, in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Inigo

Lonely Telescope Guy

Completely average Logan fangirl Pervert. Logan thinks his Peeping Tom neighbor is just yearning for him to take his shirt off, but we assume he is simply bed-ridden, bored, and hoping that if he only waits long enough, yet another Echolls will slay his lover, but this time right before his watchful lens in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker

Webster Long

See Long, Webster

P.W. Long

See Long, P.W.

The Loons

Band. They're just another mile away with their face out of phase in the ballroom of the unawake. The cry of the madman means friends forever and you won't be the fool. Mike is a lonely friend with their poster in his wall in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Jennifer Lopez

See Lopez, Jennifer

Lorenzo

Pilates trainer of Kendall Casablancas. Can he keep up with her marvelous energy? We don't find out in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Peter Lorre

See Lorre, Peter

Greg Louganis

See Louganis, Greg

Louie

Bridget's toy spaniel. Veronica rescues the dog and traps the nappers in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Louis

Roommate of Domonick Desante. According to the whiteboard on his door, Louis [heart]'s you if you're single, has a friend named "Lovebone" who wants to "ride the creep train," and has a roommate whose hobbies include forwarding Internet porn. Louis sounds like a stand-up individual in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Louise

Main character in the film Thelma and Louise. Logan cleverly detects the inspiration for Cliff's cover story in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-grimsqueaker

Louise #2

Parker's aunt and summertime distraction. We don't learn much about this poor woman — is she Parker's dad's sister or her mom's? Or her mom's brother's wife? Or her dad's first cousin whom she merely refers to as "aunt"? Maybe it's a great-aunt or a family friend? We'll never find out, but we do know a weeks-long trip to wherever she lives isn't high on Parker's summertime priority list in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-bethgee

Lout 1

Lout (obviously) who makes lewd comments in Veronica and Piz's direction after their Internet porn debut. In place of "Lout 1," we would also have accepted "Loudmouth Jerkwad 3," "Gross Fratboy 74," "Pervert 19," and "Guy Veronica Wants to Taser 739" in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Played by Brian Norris.

Lovebone

Left a message on Louis's board. His name means he's either:

a) an archaeology major,

b) a dog like Wishbone (although he would have to have opposable thumbs to use a pen), or

c) someone with a very dirty mind.

Considering "Lovebone" is friends with the roommate of Gorya "Gory" Sorokin, wants to "ride the creep train," and uses atrocious grammar, we have to guess c) in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Lucky Pierre

Zere are many Lucky Pierres. Zere's zee Lucky Pierre of movie fame, who zaw naked wemen everywhere. Zere's zee Lucky Pierre which is a meesterious maker of music. Zere's zee reely Lucky Pierre who iz zee filling of a sexy, no, sex zandwhich. Zen zere iz zee Lucky Pierre who was mentioned in a reely famos musical wheech iz on zee teep of my tong.... Zo, which Lucky Pierre retired to a jewellery store in Neptune and has embezzling employez *spit*? Maybe Veenie knows in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Inigo

Johnny Ludden

See Ludden, Johnny

Robin Luddington

See Luddington, Robin

Luigi

Owns that Italian place. You know the one. The one where Veronica once ate her weight in manicotti. A fact that would be much more impressive if the petite Veronica didn't weigh next to nothing. Come to think of it, isn't that one of those little facts that she doesn't want shared? Keith shared. Is that why she is looking at him like that in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody"?

-wyk

Luis

 

Luke

 

Lulu

Veronica's imaginary Catahoula Leopard dog. Lulu gambols on the beach with Steve and the chemistry is electric but it all comes to nought. Um. Beach. Chemistry. Nought. Is Veronica foreshadowing her own life in 1.15 "Ruskie Business"?

-Inigo

Cervando Luna

See Luna, Cervando

José Lunchpail

See Lunchpail, José

Mr. Lung

See Lung, Mr.

Lynyrd Skynyrd

Southern rock band with an abnormal fear of vowels and a justifiable fear of flying. According to Lianne, their music goes with hot dogs and tater tots in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Sara M.

See M., Sara

Chris M.

See M., Chris

Dru M.

See M., Dru

Jeff M.

See M., Jeff

Macbeth The Shakespeare play that dare not speak its name. Mr. Daniels tempts fate by having no such fears. Result? Logan's plans for Shakespearean justice are honed and improved by Weevil's flagpole smarts in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door." -Inigo

Click for Weevil's smarts.

Niccolò Machiavelli

See Machiavelli, Niccolò

Karin Mackay

See Mackay, Karin

Samuel Mackenzie

See Mackenzie, Samuel

Ryan Mackenzie

See Mackenzie, Ryan

Natalie Mackenzie

See Mackenzie, Natalie

Mr. Mackenzie

See Mackenzie, Mr.

Fred MacMurray

See MacMurray, Fred

Madame

Pimpette. Neptune-based madame who keeps a tight leash on Max's girlfriend and her other recruits, this savvy businesswoman speaks softly but hires a big Happyfists. Coerced into her limo, the kids are shocked to discover that Wendy's boss is a woman, baby! Guess they missed that story arc on Melrose Place. Veronica has apparently never heard of Heidi Fleiss in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-bethgee

Played by Jackie Debatin.

Madame Sophie

Local psychic with her own cable-access show. Can she really talk to the dead, or can she talk to someone who can talk to someone who can talk about the dead? Make up your mind (or just let her read it) in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Christine Estabrook.

Mae

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Dr. Klaus Maertens

See Maertens, Dr. Klaus

Countess Magee

See Magee, Countess

Maggie

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Played by Dawn Olivieri.

Maggie #2

Friend of a Runaway Bride. Also a fan of Packaged Meat. Has curly brown hair. Really, she's totally unextraordinary — other than her Gollum-like desire for Heidi's precious ring in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-funky-donut

Thomas Magnum

See Magnum, Thomas

Marianna Mahnoviski

See Mahnoviski, Marianna

Male Solo Dancer

Played by Joseph G. Williamson.

Malibu Barbie

Doll and sun-loving cousin of Barbie. Following her to the beach house might not be quite as easy as tailing Kendall Casablancas working out and committing real estate fraud, but she would be no challenge for Veronica in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Mama Leone

Presumed matriarch of a Mars favorite take-away...take-out...God! I wish the language really was common. That Keith is talking about food when he tells Veronica that he called out to Mama Leone's is an assumption, of course. There are other services that might be considered constituents of a family fun night and The South Park Movie DVD. The Mars family looks forward to a night of pizza, or is it massages in 1.01 "Pilot"?

-Inigo

Mama Mia

Owner of a pizzeria (and catchy ABBA ditty, with the addition of a single "m"). Mama Mia peddles her cheese-drenched wares up and down the streets of Neptune. She employs one of Veronica's biggest fans and provides a dead-end clue to the casino robbery in 3.05 "President Evil."

-bethgee

Manager

The manager at the motel that Amelia DeLongpre stayed in and Veronica investigated. He charges thirty dollars a night, likes "knotty schoolgirls," and suggests that if you want to find a good time, you might try the Gas 'n' Sip down the street. He probably also believes that there's a lattice of coincidence that ties everything together, a collection unconscious in 2.06 "Rat Saw God." Plate o' shrimp!

-alliterator

Played by Tracey Walter.

Mandy

 

Manila Whore Barbie

Like the Aaron Echolls action figure, this is one we want. Now! Veronica's appraisal of her look for the Total Eclipse of the Heart dance is one with which we beg to differ. Veronica is h-h-hot in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Joseph Mann

See Mann, Joseph

Paul Mann

See Mann, Paul

Mannheim Steamroller

Band notorious for their contemporary interpretations of classical Christmas tunes. We doubt that their music could awaken the spirit of Christmas for Anissa Villapondo, but maybe listening to them would be a good punishment for her suspected attackers in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-grimsqueaker

Faith Manning

See Manning, Faith

Lilly Manning

See Manning, Lilly

Rose Manning

 

Grace Manning

 

Lizzie Manning

 

Meg Manning

 

Stewart Manning

 

Manny

Florist. On speed. Or something else that he's growing. Or perhaps his brain fried at Woodstock where he left his motorbike and his fashion sense. Then again, he's big, cuddly and eager to please and for Purple-faced monkey orchids, there's just nowhere else in town. Manny ums and ahs in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Played by Charley Rossman.

Christopher Mapes

See Mapes, Christopher

Marcel

Bouncer at Blender. He used to be Bone Hamilton's bodyguard but Yolanda was just oh so tempting. Bone's boot and Marcel's groin partied and Marcel made a career change. His journey from bodyguard to bouncer is told in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Played by Bryan Handy.

Russell Marchant

See Marchant, Russell

Danielle Marcos

See Marcos, Danielle

Margot

Classmate of Kendall Shiflett and Priscilla Banks. She could be the actress who played Lois Lane, we suppose, but it seems kind of unlikely. Her name rhymes with Godot in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-funky-donut

Marianne

One of the Ladies of the Evening who boasts of her "Sensual Ecstasy." Well, we can certainly tell that she's the sadder sexier, but wiser girl, but will she let you call her "Madam Librarian"? What can she say, my dear, to make this clear...er in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's"?

-alliterator

Mario

One of Weevil's numerous cousins. He's seen running around with one of his siblings or cousins (perhaps named Luigi? or perhaps not, since she's a girl) in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Played by William Corkery.

Mario #2

One of Angel's guys. He may be handy with cars but he really needs to watch where his piñatas come from. He was lucky not to give one stuffed with steroids to his daughter for her birthday party in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Mario #3

Most famous plumber of all time. And here's a bit of trivia: his last name is Mario too! So his name is Mario Mario! Did his parents hate him? Is that why he spent his days in a crazy land with giant mushrooms and fire flowers and bullets with faces and one very angry...whatever Bowser is? In any case, I'm glad the denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom put aside their differences to engage in a friendly racing game with speedy mushrooms and exploding bombs and projectile turtle shells and...okay, maybe not so much with the friendly. Logan and Heather bond over high-speed mayhem while their princess is in another castle in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-Polter-Cow

Marjorie

A lady, perhaps, of the street, who describes herself as "Petite and Sweet." She might, it seems, indulge in rhyme, about her body, soft and sublime, but clients may want something less witty, though assured that she is still pretty, when they read the classified ad and decide whether or not to be bad. All the men will read the labels, set out in bold type in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo, alliterator

Marjorie #2

Cool sorority sister in Zeta Theta Beta. She rescues Veronica from the evil airheaded clutches of Hallie Piatt and Shania, makes fun of her sisters for singing goofy sorority songs, sends Veronica on a safe ride home when she is making a fool of herself while pretending to be drunk, and is very fond of her ill den mother. Unfortunately, Veronica alienates her by outing Karen's pot farm in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-funky-donut

Played by Rachelle Lefevre.

Kylie Marker

See Marker, Kylie

Scott Markham

See Markham, Scott

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

Singer turned actor. Before he was a fairly well-respected actor deemed worthy enough for Marty Scorcese flicks, Mark Wahlberg was the pants-dropping frontman of a faux hip-hop troupe, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Their most notable hit, "Good Vibrations," featured such wisdom as "Drug free! So put the crack up!" Duly noted, Marky Mark. Duly noted, especially it seems by Dick in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-bethgee

Edward Marlow

See Marlow, Edward

Philip Marlowe

See Marlowe, Philip

Marc Maron

See Maron, Marc

Betina Marone

See Marone, Betina

Keith Mars

 

Veronica Mars

 

Lianne Mars

 

Stan Marsh

See Marsh, Stan

Marsha

Neptune High School student and wannabe S.A.A.C. girl. According to the zealots of Students Against Animal Cruelty, you shouldn't eat eggs because that's like, you know, eating baby. According to the carnivorous members of this site, you should eat eggs because that's like, you know, tasty. Eggs. Dairy. Meat. Yum-my. Marsha gets a lecture in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo, wyk

Martha

Rottweiler at Beacon Corp. Okay, so she's not a dog, or not a canine anyway. But she is a bit of a bitch and an obstreperous one at that. She won't let Roger be super to Veronica. It takes one Mr. Anderson to show who has the real bite and the balls in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Played by Elaine Brammell.

Martha #2

Caterer from Elite Catering. She has a bizarre understanding of confidentiality agreements. But how else would we have found out that she fired her le trancheur on Aaron's whim in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Played by Kimberly Stanphill.

Charles Martin

See Martin, Charles

Martin

Student at Neptune, sweet but a little moony. Veronica and Meg think he may be sweet on Meg but little do they know for the real secret admirer is.... All is revealed in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Played by William Regan.

Anthony Martin

See Martin, Anthony

Martins

An 09er family in Neptune, the twin daughters of which Meg Manning babysits (when she is not in a coma). Veronica never gets to meet them when she temporarily substitutes for Meg, but based on the 09er children she does meet, think more Joan of Arcadia first season finale than Bobbsey. In fact, one is probably safer thinking more along the lines of the twins in The Shining. Their lack of penises (peni?) makes them unseen in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Inigo

Marty

Aaron's something. Dogsbody, perhaps? (Dogsbody. Noun. A person who does the menial and boring tasks.) He gets an earful from Aaron for there being no homeless shelters closer to home in 1.06 Return of the Kane.

-Inigo

Marty #3

Student of Chinese. Along with pal Vincent, he is Veronica's saving grace when he deciphers a Chinese character. They decide the character means "grace," or in this case, assistant professor of Chinese, Professor Grace Schaffer. Both Marty and Vincent show grace under pressure in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Alain Uy.

Marty #2

Name on a whiteboard behind the head of Sheriff Mars. If this is a list of assignments for deputies, then Marty here either has two last names or he's got the honor of being the only deputy listed by first name. OMG, could Deputy Sacks's first name be Marty?! The name would fit, but all we know is that Marty is paired up with Ramirez in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-funky-donut

Mary

The "Sexy Babe" of the classifieds. "Some ladies don't know the importance of a full body, relaxing massage to give a client what he needs. Let me show you how." Huh. The headline and the message seem strangely disconnected. Mary, Mary, so contrary, how does your business grow? With oily gels and musky smells and naked butts all in a row. Mary's ad for lessons on kneading the needy is given space in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Saint Mary

Mother of Jesus Christ, or The Big J, as he's not known in any circles that we're aware of. She's the only woman who can bring the PCHers and the Fitzpatricks together (well, almost). What would she say, however, if she knew that bringing them together only facilitated the trading of illegal drugs? She would probably take her son's name in vain, and that's not being down with G-O-D. Veronica apologizes to the most famous virgin in all of history in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-Polter-Cow

Mason

 

Jeremy Masterson

See Masterson, Jeremy

Matchbox 20

Alt-rock band that took the fast train to adult-contemporary station. They want to push you around, well they will, WELL THEY WILL! Breaking onto the scene in 1997, Rob Thomas and some random other musicians released a few great pop songs, decided to start spelling out "twenty," released several more tolerable pop songs, and watched their familiarly named frontman hit the road to make a solo album full of music that sounded exactly the same as his band's. All you fans out there, don't get terribly bent out of shape; Mac says a reunion may be in the works in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-bethgee

Maureen

Neptune High student. "Sadness peppered with much attitude" is a good way to describe this grieving friend of Betina, one of the bus crash victims. She resents the way Dick treated Betina like a piece of meat and calls him the bastard child of Satan. Maybe she's upset that she'll never meet Satan's bastard grandchild. Maureen rolls her eyes and tells it like it is in 2.18 "I Am God."

-topanga

Played by Vanessa Lee Chester.

Max

 

John Mayer

See Mayer, John

Mayor

Neptune's first citizen. He seems to find Veronica...disrespectful. For God's sake, Wizard-of-Oz-quoting Don Lamb is the local sheriff. You must have a sense of humor! This luminary makes an appearance in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Jeff Rector.

Timothy Hamlin McBride

See McBride, Timothy Hamlin

Lawrence Patrick McCaber

See McCaber, Lawrence Patrick

Howard F. McCaffery

See McCaffery, Howard F.

Paul McCartney

See McCartney, Paul

Cliff McCormack

 

Mr. McDade

See McDade, Mr.

Ryder McDade

See McDade, Ryder

Todd McDade

See McDade, Todd

Mrs. McDade

See McDade, Mrs.

Mary McDonald

See McDonald, Mary

Lieutenant McGee

See McGee, Lieutenant

John McGill

See McGill, John

Rose McGowan

See McGowan, Rose

Tracy McGrady

See McGrady, Tracy

Mark McGrath

See McGrath, Mark

Professor McGregor

See McGregor, Professor

Robert McKinnon

See McKinnon, Robert

Robbie McKinnon

See McKinnon, Robbie

Steve McQueen

See McQueen, Steve

Fisty McRapesalot

See McRapesalot, Fisty

Deputy Meeks

See Meeks, Deputy

Robert Meesig

See Meesig, Robert

Mel's Assistant

Uh...Mel's assistant...or the receptionist at Stoltz Industries, depending on your viewpoint. Job duties include answering phones, directing calls, and keeping people the boss doesn't want to see out of his hair office. Unable to do at least one of those jobs correctly, perhaps she's Mel's true handicap in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-tallow

Played by Jennifer Halverson.

Melinda

A Veronica alias, scrawny hospitality hostess at the Duke Hotel. Veronica escorts Dime Bag and his crew to their hotel room and shows them the bathroom, a TV, some chairs, a phone, and the proper way to bug a gangsta rapper's room without getting shot up. Ooo, it sounds like dirty business in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-wyk

Herman Melville

See Melville, Herman

L. Menendez

See Menendez, L.

Carlos Mercado

See Mercado, Carlos

Mr. Mercer

See Mercer, Mr.

M. Merrill

See Merrill, M.

Meryl Abandoned long-distance girlfriend. First of all, Meryl is 37 if she's a day. Maybe this explains her maternal sense of concern for her boyfriend, who doesn't feel compelled to greet her at the airport. Or at baggage claim. Or in his dorm room. Or ever. Lucky for Meryl, it was all a misunderstanding, and the pair ultimately reunites in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men." -bethgee Played by Amanda Walsh.

META

Teaching assistant at Hearst College. This TA hands back the mechanical engineering make-up test that poor Wallace failed. He also summons him to go see about the most recent exam, after Wallace is caught cheating (say it ain't so, Wallace!). META loves being the bearer of bad news in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Todd Bosley.

Mexican Cop

Cool as a cucumber, this shining pillar of justice hardly breaks a sweat when a crazy foreigner entreats on the last minutes of his little afternoon delight. He proves that police work can be fun in 1.20 "M.A.D.."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Juan Monsalvez.

Debbie Meyer

See Meyer, Debbie

Michael

Roving reporter for Neptune Navigator TV. His voice makes an appearance is heard in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo

Saint Michael

Archangel, patron saint of mariners, grocers, the sick, the lonely and the oppressed, and wielder of a flaming sword. Good thing that Michael is usually busy vanquishing the fiend, or Wallace's Chicago team would have thought twice about beating the Catholic St. Michael's High School. St. Michael is too occupied to care about basketball in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-grimsqueaker

Michelle

Someone who left her name for Piz on his whiteboard. Go Piznarski! Don't let that torch you bear hold you back! I mean, you like The Beatles, so you have to go out with someone named Michelle. Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble en 3.09 "Broche et Oeufs."

-alliterator

Mickey

Pseudonym. The alias Keith calls Cliff when the pair poses as two struggling voiceover actors to entrap Steven Batando. Oh, Cliff, he's so fine, he's so fine he blows our mind in 3.05 "President Evil."

-bethgee

Mickey #2

Name on a bowling shirt rejected by Veronica. Unlike Piz, Veronica elected not to go with the "ironic" enthusiastic bowling shirt...or is that post-ironic? Is the rejection of the ironic shirt in itself ironic? Trying to sort out the irony makes our heads hurt in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-misskiwi

Mickey Mouse

Cartoon mouse from the wonderful world of Disney. Like all mice, he squeaks. His name is a euphemism for small fry, like the fake IDs Veronica admitted to in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Mike

Amelia's boyfriend before she ditched him in Ibiza. He likes The Loons and folds like a sock under pressure (namely, the pressure of Clarence Wiedman, Jr. pushing him out the window) in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Played by Greg Baine.

Mike #2

A name on the wall of the boys' bathroom, as in "I love Mike." There are two schools of thought. Either production costs are so stripped to the bone that they can't afford to change the graffiti when the girls' bathroom doubles for the boys' utility, or the gay community at Neptune High really likes proclaiming their affections. Or maybe Ryan is fickle in his. Either way, the man-love wall serves as an appropriate backdrop to Logan and Weevil's bonding *cough* in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-Inigo

Alyssa Milano

See Milano, Alyssa

Milf

Transvestite escort, found on the internet as Bambi_Gasm. Now, what could MILF stand for, since it obviously can't stand for "Mom I'd Like to Family-friendly-site"? Man, I Love Fur? Milk Is, Like, Fun? Michael in Living Flesh? Who knows? Milf is confusing in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut

Played by Laura McLauchlin.

Holly Mills

See Mills, Holly

Lainie Minkoff

See Minkoff, Lainie

Kylie Minogue

See Minogue, Kylie

Veronica Minx

See Minx, Veronica

Ernesto Miranda

See Miranda, Ernesto

misterclean221

Email pseudonym for Tommy "Lucky" Dohanic. Mister clean, mister clean...Bald head? Nope, Tommy's got hair. Brawny? Nope, Tommy's more like Scrawny. Clean? Well, if you count bleaching your feet like a maniac...misterclean gives the episode number a shout-out in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-funky-donut

Robin Mitchell

See Mitchell, Robin

Randal Mitchell

See Mitchell, Randal

R. Mitchell-Wat

See Mitchell-Wat , R.

Justin Mize

See Mize, Justin

MIZZ P

Screen name of Peter Ferrer, a poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. (Student Homosexual Internet Posting) board. Veronica won't be breathily singing "Happy birthday, Miss P" to him any time soon as MIZZ P is no more. He has met his maker, Marilyn Monroe and Jack Kennedy in that great party in the sky. MIZZ P died in the bus crash, taking his knowledge of the "outing of all outings" with him or so we learn in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

Danny Mo

See Mo, Danny

Miss Moan-a Lisa

See Moan-a Lisa, Miss

Moby Dick

Whale. White whale, to be exact. White whale with a taste for legs, to be even more exact. I know that, to the common apprehension, this phenomenon of whiteness is not confessed to be the prime agent in exaggerating the terror of objects otherwise terrible, but the most badass whale in all of literature (oh, he would have ripped Jonah to shreds) fills Edwin Fuller's mind with thoughts of gore in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner" and appears on a poster in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.20 2.07

Mock/Monk/Mark

Tattooist at the River Stix. We are not sure if the long, hard years as the menacing leader of Neptune's first family of crime have taken their toll on Liam Fitzpatrick, but his enunciation certainly leaves something to be desired, so we sadly cannot tell you if this tattoo artist is called Mock, Monk, or Mark. We also don't know if the tattoos he creates talk to their owners, but that would certainly explain some of the Fitzpatrick attitude. Mock, Monk, or Mark is sketching in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-grimsqueaker

B. Mokky

See Mokky, B.

Zeke Molinda

See Molinda, Zeke

Molière

See Molière,

Molly

A dog that could catch a frisbee. If only she'd had the good sense not to whiz in the Kane flower beds, she'd still be Duncan's best friend. Would that have led to Logan pissing in the flower beds? We'll never know. Duncan toasts the memory of Molly in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Molly #2

A missing black-and-white, shaggy, brown-eyed mutt. Is she unsinkable, or pretty in pink, or known to push a wheelbarrow in Dublin? She's obviously special if her owner is willing to part with a $500 reward to get her back in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Vyacheslav Molotov

See Molotov, Vyacheslav

Moltar

A lava man (known as "the lord of the mighty ovens that can incinerate any and all foes") and former enemy of Space Ghost. He was later forced to be producer and director of Space Ghost's talk show. Moltar has been happily married to his wife Linda for six years. He likes CHiPS and Erik Estrada. The Real Kendall knows her cartoon villains in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-alliterator

Claude Monet

See Monet, Claude

Monica

Desmond's corruption of Ms. Mars's given name. With all the gallant charm of a blind-drunk hustler, DF invites "Monica" to hang with him backstage. Thankfully, our girl declines the invite, but she can't shake the nickname. V joins the ranks of Gellar, Lewinsky, Potter, and Belluci in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Alex

Monique

Hearst student. Possibly Stacy's well-wishing friend from 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff," she rooms across from Mac and Parker, as her cute little whiteboard attests in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 3.01 2.16

Dr. Harriet Monk

See Monk, Dr. Harriet

Adrian Monk

See Monk, Adrian

Jack Montana

See Montana, Jack

Abigail Montgomery

See Montgomery, Abigail

Moon

Pi Sigma Signoramus. (Heh. Those names are fun to think up.) This accomplished point-earning ladies man has a pair of surgical gloves pinned to his spot on the PiSS wall of honor. Geez. There's kind of nothing I can add to that. The moon thankfully never rises in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Mary Mooney

See Mooney, Mary

The Mooney Suzuki

American rock band. Not to be confused with the Spotty Ducati, the Marquee Kawasaki, the Sporting Norton, or the Gnarly Harley, the Mooney Suzuki took their name from the lead singers of a band they admired, and only got the product endorsement later. Hearst College Radio posts their posters and rocks the rollers in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-Inigo

Kelvin Moore

See Moore, Kelvin

Principal Alan Moorehead

 

Mopey

Logan's nickname for the grieving Duncan.
A 6 feet high dwarf by adoption, Mopey lives in his cozy hut hotel suite, together with his friends Sleazy, Dog, Scrappy, Needy, Jumpy and Bashful. Given his soft spot for fair princesses, we wonder if cartoon birds braid his hair, too, in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-grimsqueaker

J. More

See More, J.

Carl Morgan

See Morgan, Carl

Daria Morgendorffer

See Morgendorffer, Daria

Agent Morris

See Morris, Agent

Morty

A homeless guy that helps Veronica find the Easter egg that was up Chip's...chimney. He is also able to help her out by posing as a witness for Selma Rose's "kidnapping." Are we sure his name isn't "Moriarty"? Morty is a (homeless) mastermind in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-alliterator

Played by Kristopher Logan.

Moses

Biblical personage. When Sheriff Lamb likens Veronica Mars to the man who talked to burning bushes, he is hopefully referring to her sea-dividing, awe-inspiring charisma and not her physical resemblance to Charlton Heston. The prophet is invoked in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-grimsqueaker

Motel Clerk

This Mexican motel clerk tells Sheriff Lamb that white guys "all look alike." But he points him in the right direction of the fugitive Duncan in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-topanga

Played by Pedro Rodman Rodriguez.

Mother Nature

The personification of nature as a powerful and nurturing woman. In Neptune, the number of powerful and nurturing women is a little on the light side, what with the alcoholics, the suicides, the harlots, and the cold fish, so Neptune High offers fruit instead in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Mountain Man

Bodyguard hired by Logan to protect Veronica. With such an apt name, Logan must have recruited him from the WWE. Certainly, the addition of Hunter Hearst Helmsley would have added an extra meta layer to 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-alliterator

Played by Tim Sitarz.

Mouth

Careless biker. He first opens his own a little too much and then gets too close to Backup's, which leads to pain, humiliation, and possibly the need for new footwear in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Zac Henry.

Mr. T

Bodyguard-turned-actor. Mr. T has had an interesting life. He's most famous for his acting roles as a boxer in Rocky III and an ex-military officer on the ABC series The A-Team, but he's just as well-known for his Mohawk hairdo, multiple gold necklaces, and his menacing catchphrases. Mr. T is also a cancer survivor who's playing a big role in the Hurricaine Katrina rebuilding efforts. Veronica uses him to motivate Wallace's studying efforts. I pity the fool who doesn't cheer for Mr. T in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity.".

-topanga

Marilyn Munster

See Munster, Marilyn

Lisa Murphy

 

Mr. Murphy

See Murphy, Mr.

Mr. Murray

See Murray, Mr.

Mrs. Murray

See Murray, Mrs.

Musician

Member, Mooncalf Collective. He strums on his guitar and sings "You Ain't Got Nothing At All," the theme song for cult members. A cult classic, so to speak. Mr. Guitar Man keeps things mellow around the campfire in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-topanga

Played by Max Bernstein.

Musicman

Number twenty-five. This melodic gentleman is a complete cipher, revealing unto us naught but that he likes wearing short sleeves in December, eating lunch with the little people at Neptune High, and...uh...Barry Bonds? Maybe he's a friend of Luke's. Seventy-six trombones fail to show in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-grimsqueaker

The Mustangs

Band. The UK's premiere rhythm and blues band, to be exact. But they're not R&B or anything: more emphasis on the blues than the rhythm. What does the UK know about the blues, anyway? I thought America invented the blues! Just because we stole rock and roll from the Beatles doesn't mean they can steal the blues from W.C. Handy. KRFF supports transatlantic music genre theft in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-Polter-Cow

Col. Mustard

See Mustard, Col.

Mustard Man

One of the names on the Pi Sigma Sigma basement board, used to display the claimed romantic exploits of the fraternity house residents. Okay, so we're guessing, seeing as the name is slightly obscured by the UPN logo. But let's say it is so and wonder at the choice of this name. Is he bright yellow? Is he runny? Is he a little bitter on the tongue? Is he inseparable from a hot dog? One thing we do know, he's shown to be a jerk in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

My Pretty Pony

Power pop duo with a cult following in the 1990s. Named in homage to a 1980s toy, My Pretty Pony was comprised of guitarist/songwriter Desmond Fellows and front man Johnny Scopes, may the latter rest in peace. Part Rembrandts, part Proclaimers, and all washed up, the band still has some college-aged fans willing to pay a few bucks to hear Desmond plink along to a backing track of Johnny from beyond the grave. It's all so totally emo. Piz and Veronica were former Pony fans themselves, but Desmond's legend loses a little luster when they serve as his guides to Neptune in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

Mötley Crüe