Who's Who of Veronica Mars —

13ghosts: Band. How they fit into the Maria Taylor/Kim Taylor bill, we're unsure, given that they're five dudes. Aha, Maria sings on one of their songs! Indie music takes care of its own, man. They round out an advertised night of Southern rock in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow
25: Lab rat monkey. His was destined to be a short life, filled with experimental pills, lab tests, and ending in an autopsy performed to determine the effectiveness of said pills. But his charming personality and alleged ability to play "Chopsticks" let 25 be put in the Animal Witness Protection Program as Oscar, destined to live a long full life filled with squeaky toys and an adoring scientist. Good thing Veronica has a soft spot for animals in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-funky-donut
2400: Either a spin-off of The 4400 in real-time format, or more likely, the impressive SAT score and nickname of a student. One of the secret conspirators of the Castle foolishly reveals one of the other pledges when addressing Wallace by this nickname. This gives Veronica Mars the unique opportunity to follow "2400" to the secret society's extremely secretive headquarters and unmask their slightly hobolicious head honcho. (No offense, Jake, but the last few years really haven't been kind on you. Must be karma.) 2400 proves to be the key to the Castle in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker
22679088: The anonymous person who sent Woody Goodman an email saying "Kill incorporation or else" and an audio file of Marcos Oliveres and Peter Ferrer saying that Woody was a pedophile. Who was the anonymous person? Was it Lucky? Perhaps we can discern some clues from those numbers. Let's see.... Twenty-two is an important number in numerology. There are 22 letters in the Hebrew alphabet and 22 Major Arcana in Tarot. Plus, it's only one number off from 23, an important number in Discordianism. Sixty-seven is an irregular and lucky prime number and also the atomic number of holmium. Ninety is a unitary perfect number and a pronic number and also the code for international direct dial to Turkey. Eighty-eight is a palindromic, a primitive semiperfect, and untouchable number and also the number of constellations in the sky. It's also a code for Heil Hitler (H being the 8th letter of the alphabet) and the amount of miles per hour the deLorean in Back to the Future had to get to to travel in time. What does this say about the anonymous sender of the email? That he likes numerology, math, holmium, turkey, constellations, Michael J. Fox, and is a Nazi? Well, okay, probably not. It probably means we just have a lot of time on our hands. These numbers (unlike Lost's) don't mean a thing in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator
Aaron Echolls Action Figure: According to Veronica Mars, you probably own it. Action figures have come a long way since G.I. Joe was marketed to boys as such (as heaven forbid that they would want to play with dolls). Then came Star Wars, and a symbiotic and very successful partnership was born. If Logan's dad makes twenty million a picture, it's odds on that at least one of them spawned an action figure, much as the man himself spawned his obnoxious son who is, uh, obnoxious in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.06 1.01
Joseph Abbott: See Abbott, Joseph
Abraham: Biblical patriach and champion heterosexual. Camp SelfQuest cites the time God said to Abraham, "Smite me some queers." More or less. I may have been listening to too much Bob Dylan. There's another sinner going unsmoten in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove
Guy Abruti: See Abruti, Guy
Action: One of the Jet gang members in West Side Story. As Neptune goes nuclear with the 09ers and the bikers at each other's throats, Duncan and Logan go Broadway to snark at each other. Maybe they both need to remember what Riff told the explosive Action: "Boy, boy, crazy boy, get cool, boy! Got a rocket in your pocket, keep coolly cool, boy! Don't get hot, 'cause man, you got some high times ahead. Take it slow, and Daddy-O, you can live it up and die in bed!" Funny that it's Duncan who is christened Action in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."

-Inigo
Adam: Fireman, as is his friend, Eddie. Adam Horowitz, friend of creator Rob Thomas, was the inspiration, but that was before he became a writer on Lost and refused to make the show suck to dislodge its stranglehold on the ratings. Like a real friend would do. As for our fireman, we never get a clear shot of his face, but who needs a face when your tush looks so good in short shorts. Lust away, ladies. He is in action in 1.01 "Pilot."

-wyk
Adam #2: Student at Neptune High. With Justin and Owen, he ranks the female population of the school. He lusts for Sarah Kramer. She is sooo out of his league, however good his olfactory faculties. His nose twitches in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Played by Andrew Levy.
Adam #3: The first man in the Bible. He fell victim to his wife's nagging ("Try the fruit, honey! Try the fruit!") and his own male ego ("God ain't got nothin' on me!"). He made nakedness naughty but nice ("Bring me my fig leaf now, woman! What do you mean, where'd I hide yours?"). He's to blame for humanity's downfall, according to Judeo-Christian tradition. The poster on the Hearst College wall agrees in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff," and Veronica and Piz probably wish he'd left that apple alone in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo, topanga

All bios: 3.20 2.16
Ansel Adams: See Adams, Ansel
Adrianna: Big-mouthed college friend of Lianne's. Lianne stayed with her for a while, until fear of Keith and of her friend's inability to keep a secret made her run again. Veronica was too late to find her mother, but not too late to hear Adrianna's platitudes in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Played by Michelle Fabiano.
AJ: Somebody who will see Wallace later, according to Wallace's whiteboard. Presumably not Andrew Jackson, because he's dead, or Angelina Jolie, although Wallace probably wishes it was her in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator
Al: The uncle of Mr. Pasqual, who now resides in a retirement home in Waikiki. If this were a Shakespearean play, we would say something like, "Prithee, nuncle, tell me whether a retirement home make ye gentleman or a yeoman." But since this is not, we won't. Keith finds Al underneath a donut in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator
Alan: Stuttering gambler and struggling artist. Alan may not be able to say the first word of any sentence without making several abortive attempts at it, but he does know how to sell his own football team down the river for the riches it will bring. The anything-challenged and creative poor are not normally the types who are ignoble on TV shows. So hats off to Veronica Mars for giving us such an unsympathetic, opportunistic villain in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Played by Jeremiah Lorenz.
Buzz Aldrin: See Aldrin, Buzz
Thomas Alexander: See Alexander, Thomas
Henri Alfandari: See Alfandari, Henri
Muhammad Ali: See Ali, Muhammad
Alkaline Trio: Pop punk band. As you might guess, this band has three members. Each member has a pH greater than 7, with a maximum of 14. If each member is as basic as can be, then they represent a combined alkalinity of 42! Could the songs of this Chicago punk outfit be the answer to the great question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? Or are they too concerned with death, as implied by the skull on their poster seen in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes"?

-Polter-Cow
Joe Allen: See Allen, Joe
Steven Aller: See Aller, Steven
Allowance Fairy: That bastion of childlike hope, the Allowance Fairy feeds on the dreams and aspirations of little kids and spits out fifty bucks every week. In Neptune, she rarely visits non-09er kids, sending her cousin the Minimum Wage Fairy instead. Her trade secrets are revealed by Veronica in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator
Amber: A Veronica alias. Yes, she is a blonde, but don't let the ditzy voice fool you; beneath those curls and killer red sweater lies one of the sharpest minds in the P.I. biz. Veronica uses Amber to investigate the dirty dealings of a trust fund kid who emails strangers for money in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo, wyk
Amber #2: Victim of libel. Amber is most certainly a wonderful, sweet, and kind person. She probably helps little old ladies to cross the street and rescues kittens from trees. The fact that there are rumors impugning her good name is just another sign of the corruption of Neptune and will no doubt tie into the major mysteries of the year! Or maybe she just stole someone's boyfriend. Either way it's doubtful that Amber was informed of her status as a bitch since her none-too-bright enemy scratched this missive into the door of Cassidy's car instead of Amber's in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-public displays of lust
Martin Amis: See Amis, Martin
Anchor Person: She reads the news
with much enthus-
iasm and much amuse-
ment by showing views
of My Pretty Pony
while Desmond Fellows drinks booze.
Don't confuse
her with this lose-
r in 3.17 "Debasement ~~Tapes~~ Blues."

-alliterator

Played by Lee Ann Kim.
Anchor Woman: Anchors the Channel 9 newscast and reports Tim Foyle's confession of murder. She's obviously good at her job since she's able to refrain from rolling her eyes at the "T.A. Foiled" headline under Tim's picture. They must teach that kind of restraint in journalism school in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Tamika Katon-Donegal.
Duane Anders: See Anders, Duane
James Anderson: See Anderson, James
Andre: Artist with magic hands; also, partner of Sarah Williams. He likes nudes. And strange arty things. And nudes in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Played by Adam Kaufman.
Dr. Andriotti: See Andriotti, Dr.
Andy: Snitch, co-worker, law enforcement...who knows? He gives Keith a tip on a bail jumper that leads to a Mars feast of meat. An all-round good guy, Andy gave the soon-to-be-fatter bounty hunter the skinny in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo
Angel: Dumb and tortured vampire with a soul who...oh, wrong show. This one is no angel, but he is Weevil's uncle and has a body shop on the highway. Whether or not he'll ever give Veronica a full-service treatment remains to be seen. Angel was only mentioned in 1.01 "Pilot" but is seen in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.05 1.01
Played by Hector Atreyu Ruiz.
Angela: One of the frequenters of Mercer's Hearst College casino. She plays Texas Hold 'Em poker. She may or may not know when to fold 'em, but she knows a thing or two about how to fold her clothes, gaining a compliment on her wardrobe from that Bugsy Siegel wannabe in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo
Angela #2: Administrative assistant neither seen nor heard. What if Dean Cyrus O'Dell's lackey is Angela Lansbury? Taste the awesome. She and Veronica could super-sleuth together. But for now, she settles for answering the intercom in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-bethgee
Angela #3: Bank teller. The lone obstacle between Josh Barry and his small fortune in rare coins, Angela quickly accepts Josh's fake ID and lets him examine his safety deposit box in privacy. If by "privacy" you mean a room full of enormous windows. Angela is fairly clueless in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-bethgee

Played by Marcy Goldman.
Angie's Friend: The perfect audience, she approves of Angie's fraudulent tendencies and otherwise giggles a lot in 2.18 "I Am God."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Brigitte Graham.
Anna: Veronica alias. Veronica uses this name to track down the last person called from a cell phone, pretending to work for the radio station KRAC in order to get an address. Veronica promises, but does not deliver, an iPod and a K-RACing good time in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-funky-donut
Anna Grace: Mindy's boat. It calls for a song: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from the Neptune port, aboard this tiny ship. The boat she was called the Anna Grace, the owner cute as heck. A widow, she set sail that day, with a big pay-out check, a fat juicy check... The lover started getting rough, thought he was double-crossed. They fought on the decking of the Anna Grace — the widow, she was lost; the widow, she was lost. The boat moored up off the shore of this romantic beachside bar, where Hemingway, known as Papa too, would drink away all his woes. The lover, drunk, confessed his crime to Sheriff Mars, here near Hemingway's bar. So this is the tale of the Anna Grace, the lovers now has-beens. They couldn't make the best of things in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo
Little Orphan Annie: See Annie, Little Orphan
Anon19982: One of the names Tommy "Lucky" Dohanic used to email Woody Goodman. Anon seems to get around a lot — authors a number of famous poems, controversial letters in the newspaper and thousands of Valentine's Day cards each year. Perhaps Lucky was trying to be original here, but I think it fell flat in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-fickledame
AnonCuda411: Anonymous Person. Or is he? He responds to Veronica's ad in the Neptune Navigator about a green Barracuda, and all he seems to care about is getting the reward money deposited into his PayPal account. Turns out Mr. Anon might not be a random alcoholic or a compulsive gambler after all, but he could be Billy Greene, a PCH-er and brother of the grieving dog owner. Anon tries to a pull a fast one on Veronica in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-topanga
Ansel Adams: See Adams, Ansel

-Inigo
Apache: Much-loved dog of Harry Greene. He met an unfortunate end when he was run over by Liam Fitzpatrick. He's no Lassie yet, but that is quite a claim to fame. Perhaps it's a lucky escape from being mistakenly skewered by his archery-enthusiast owner in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-fickledame
Miranda Apfel: See Apfel, Miranda
Mrs. Applebaum: See Applebaum, Mrs.
Derek Applegate: See Applegate, Derek
Ned Applegate: See Applegate, Ned
The Aquabats: Ska band! They purport to be superheroes from the island Aquabania! All of their album and song titles end in exclamation points! They're still popular after more than a decade! That is why you can see their poster on the KRFF wall in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer"!

-Polter-Cow
The Archer: The centaur bowman that decorates the back of a dorm room door. It's no coincidence that the resident of that dorm looks like a throwback to the days of New Kids on the Block. The fine print on the poster reads:
I'm Moe, and I'm a Sagittarius
And I really, really wanna be used by only you
And I want you to only use me too.
And if this is the way it's gotta be, boy, then check me out
I wanna be used by you, Mercer
The significance is revealed in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-Inigo
Humberto Arcila: See Arcila, Humberto
Ed Argent: See Argent, Ed
Arianna: Neptune High student and animal rights activist. Supercilious, condescending and closed-minded, she leads the Students Against Animal Cruelty. Are her espoused principles genuinely felt or is she simply trying to ensure she has the monopoly on cow hide? From her dominatrix ways, we reckon there's leather next to that skin, waiting to be revealed in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Paityn James.
Ms. Armand: See Armand, Ms.
Lance Armstrong: See Armstrong, Lance
Arnold: Competes for quality time with Desmond Fellows in a My Pretty Pony trivia battle. He may have been able to pull a few facts out of his cargo shorts, and we're sure his KRFF T-shirt nabbed a few brownie points, but Arnold never stood a chance against our favorite audiophile, Piz. Arnold talks to the hand, and we resist shouting "Move it, football head!" in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Alex

Played by Jason Weissbrod.
Artez: See Artez,
Mrs. Arthur: See Arthur, Mrs.
Jack Artman: See Artman, Jack
Arturo
Ashley: A name on Parker's whiteboard. Is she Ashley Banks? Ashley Wilkes? Ashley Simpson? Ash from Evil Dead? Well, probably not that last one, though it would be cool. Veronica's definitely got that "good, bad, I'm the girl with the gun" vibe in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-alliterator
Ashley #2: Hearst student. She has some SERIOUS matters to discuss with W. These matters appear to be SERIOUS in a HELA fashion. While one may first think that Ashley simply did not have time to add one more L to her HELLA, we suspect that she was referring to the HeLa cell line. She's probably working in one of those labs without monkeys, and she needs Wallace to change her media. Wallace, my lad, don't forget to add the glutamine in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow
Assistant: Working for the Vice-Principal. Her important contribution to this particular story is telling Clemmons that there is a husky-voiced ~~impostor~~ assistant district supervisor on the phone, but this she accomplishes with fervor in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Alicia Cole.
Assistant #2: The assistant to Clarence Wiedman, Jr.. Does this make her an assistant to an assassin? Anyway, Veronica plays a prank on her by telling her that her car is being towed. She's a poor nameless assistant in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Played by Erin Cronican.
Assistant #3: Secretary to Bill Lee. San Diego's leading ensemble theatre, Lamb's (hee) Players Theatre, provides the actress who gets to tell Woody's lawyer that Woody's daughter "Gia" wants him to call her on her cell, whereby Keith used that call to track the suspected pedophile. Jennifer, who no doubt got the gig due to a last name that stands proud in the minds of the makers of VM, makes what she can of a three-second appearance in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

Played by Jennifer Austin.
Astrid
Robert Atkins: See Atkins, Robert
Atom Ant: Cartoon member of the Formicidae family. With the catchphrase "up and at 'em, Atom Ant," this superhero would use his fabulous strength and flying skills whilst his Saturday morning co-star, Secret Squirrel, would dig out truths with his pre-Inspector Gadget gadgets and snooping nature. Keith must see a little of the former in his skills-of- the-latter-blessed daughter. Why else would he so instruct her to rise and conquer in 1.01 "Pilot"?

-Inigo
Aubrey: One of the Ladies of the Evening who advertises "A Night or Two?" How about a week or two? She'll stay the summer through, but she's telling you that she must be...well, what's the opposite of going? Aubrey certainly seems to be advertising to that effect in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-alliterator
Jane Austen: See Austen, Jane
Average Joe: The average man. Everyman moniker for the man in the street who is smarter than Casablancas REIT investors, as is proved in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo
Mike B.: See B., Mike
Mary B.: See B., Mary
Ali Baba: See Baba, Ali
Baby Think-It-Over: A plastic baby. It cries and mewls like a real baby, though. It's probably a robot baby. Sex with robots is more common than you think. Ms. Hauser wants the students to know the consequences before jumping in the sack with a robot in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator
Backup
Bad Company: Band from the days when Keith Mars was cool. While listening to Deputy Sacks, Ex-Deputy Leo and talking to desk clerk Inga Olofson hardly puts Keith in bad company, his reading material of choice might be an entirely different matter in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-grimsqueaker
Bad Livers: Band that Sully likes. Either they espouse a life of immorality, Bad Livers, or they drink a lot, Bad Livers. Which I guess some people might say is the same thing. Either way, their poster is up in Sully's room in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-funky-donut
Gwen Bagnall: See Bagnall, Gwen
Owen Bagwell: See Bagwell, Owen
Bailiff: Your basic Law & Order-type bailiff...who's secretly having an affair with the judge! Okay, not really, but I have to spice this bio up somehow. Maybe he's related somehow to Super Huge Deputy? Well, he certaily bears no resemblance to Richard Moll in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Thomas Nelson Webb.
Boyd K. Baker: See Baker, Boyd K.
Mr. Baker: See Baker, Mr.
Rocky Balboa: See Balboa, Rocky
Baldwin Brothers: Fraternity of actors/loose cannons. Maybe Wallace thinks it's the early '90s, when William Baldwin was still a hot commodity, Stephen Baldwin had yet to find Jesus, and Alec Baldwin was years away from a headline-making custody battle. Daniel? Well, there was never anything nice to say about Daniel. At any rate, Veronica doesn't want to engage in a rap session about any of the Baldwin gang in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee
Bambi: Not Thumper's companion but rather the chickie who was chatting up Chip Diller at the Pi Sig party. Veronica warns her that Chip might rape her, but she doesn't look that concerned in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator
Bambi_Gasm: Internet handle for an escort from premiereescorts.biz. Man, if there's two things that shouldn't be combined, it's cute animated deer and sex. Although, using Bambi as a handle could just be code for something....Did you guys know that Bambi the cartoon, despite the feminine appearance, is actually a boy deer? Bambi_Gasm is surprising in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut
Band Dork: Neptune High Student. He's decked out in school colors while watching Wallace's flagpole humiliation and volunteers that "the bikers did it." Given this insider information, one would think he could have told the PCHers how to spell "snitch" correctly… Or not. This Pirate gazes in fear in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Chris Wiley.
Debbie S. Bankhead: See Bankhead, Debbie S.
Mr. Banks: See Banks, Mr.
Priscilla Banks: See Banks, Priscilla
Ashley Banks
Barb: Assistant to Roger Hearst. She's attentive, hardworking, and probably one more unreturned phone call to Evan away from going postal on her unappreciative boss. Sadly, we don't get to see that in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-leila6

Played by Emily Happe.
Michael Barbary: See Barbary, Michael
Barbie: A doll. There are academic works about Barbie's effects on American suburban culture. It's a doll! The name is also synonymous with blonde bimbo airheads whose bosoms far exceed gravity's ability to keep them upright — which is fine because they are more accustomed to the prone position anyway. Mac explains her name was a toss up between this and Cindy in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb," and the small-breasted Veronica brushes off the inappropriate insult in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.10 1.11
Deputy Barker: See Barker, Deputy
Gregory Barker: See Barker, Gregory
Matt Barone: See Barone, Matt
Sam Barrie: See Barrie, Sam
Coach Tom Barry
Bobby Barry: See Barry, Bobby
Mrs. Kathleen Barry
Josh Barry
Drew Barrymore: See Barrymore, Drew
Baseball Player: NHS jock and asswipe. He had a friend who died on the bus, he's got a weak curve ball, even if it doesn't stop him hitting the target and dunking Jackie Cook in the water at Winter Carnival, and he's mean to gay guys...uh...Dick in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough" and 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.14 2.13
Played by Jason McMahon.
Bass Player: One of Leo's jam session buddies. Keith brings some much needed excitement to his life of *cough* sex, drugs and rock'n'roll in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-grimsqueaker

Played by David Kyl-Brown.
Steven Batando
Batman: The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. Na na na na na na na na, Batman! and his life partner in crimefighting Robin (can you feel the HoYay?) roam around Gotham City at night protecting its citizens from the likes of the Joker, Two-Face, and a woman in a skin-tight catsuit. Max said that he and Chelsea discussed how much Batman's Batplane looked like a Cylon Raider in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-alliterator
Kevin Battle: See Battle, Kevin
Bauhaus: English rock band. First in gothic rock and in Max's heart. Bauhaus is best known for their single "Bela Lugosi's Dead," which was made popular by Tony Scott's lesbian vampire flick, The Hunger. Max shows his love for gloomy post-punk and/or vampire erotica in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-starxdsparrow
Mr. Baylor: See Baylor, Mr.
Beast: Monster. The story of Beauty and the Beast is really great, see, because there's this scary, horrific beast who is but a soft, loving prince inside, and then there's this total hunk, right, who is sooo hot OMG and yet in his heart is an utter brute! It's, like, totally profound and stuff. But here on Veronica Mars, everyone is always exactly what they appear to be outside, so let's just look at this pretty picture of the dignified and classy Principal Moorehead for the rest of this entry. It's super tough to find a beauty and a beast hobnobbing in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove
The Beatles: In the words of a myopic judge, a "popular beat combo" of the sixties. Or, you know, the biggest (and some, like Keith Mars, say greatest) band of all time. Two members are dead now, but we hate Madison, so we're not going to quibble over the soundness of Veronica's conclusion that if Madison's parents really loved her, they would have gotten the real Beatles to play "Birthday" for her in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb." Former rock star Desmond Fellows acknowledges their influence (or decides to eschew leg irons) ...eventually in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Inigo

All bios: 3.17 1.11
Beauty: Nice to look at. Trina tells Veronica that the NHS drama department is lacking in pretty girls; one can't help but wonder how that dearth impacted upon the school production of Beauty and the Beast. The truth is ugly in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove
Becker: Neptune High student and victim of Cap'n Krunk and Imitation Crab. According to the radio pirates, this boy is so hideous and stupid, he has to force himself on his dates to get some. Maybe he should ask Dick Casablancas for tips on how to resolve this problem. Becker gets a bad rep in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-grimsqueaker
Samuel Beckett: See Beckett, Samuel
Becky: Zeta Theta Beta sister. Her father is a dermatologist, which means she's got the cortisone hook-up for all the other sisters. Diane Ruggiero could have used Becky's dad's assistance at Rob Thomas's wedding, but, sadly, Becky and her dad are both fictional characters in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Polter-Cow
Beefy Resident: Hearst student who resides in Benes Hall. He comes running when he hears Parker Lee yelling "rape," asks some Excellent Questions of Mercer Hayes, and yet lets Mercer walk away. Hello, Beefy Resident? When someone has a a bleeding leg wound and scratches on his face and has just been accused of rape, don't let him walk away, mm-kay? Beefy Resident is all talk and no action in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by David Blue.
Wilson Behan
Cathy Belben: See Belben, Cathy
Harold Bell: See Bell, Harold
Beau Bellanfant: See Bellanfant, Beau
Jerome Bellows: See Bellows, Jerome
Ben: Corrupt ATF agent. Doesn't the ATF have a height requirement? 21 Jump Street meets Training Day meets May sweeps stunt casting when Ben plays high school student to investigate a potential bomber. He's on the wrong track, but failure is not an option, so he doesn't let that put a dent in his arrest record. Yucky guy. Now if they had managed to get Johnny Depp or Denzel Washington, one might have been slightly more sympathetic when Logan started pummelling his face. But a Home Improvement survivor? We cheered in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Ben #2: Hearst College student. He lives off-campus with Wang Yi, the alleged rapist who turns out to be Claire's boyfriend. Ben inspires Veronica's classic WTF face in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Joshua Arden.
Nasir Ben Hafayid: See Ben Hafayid, Nasir
Elizabeth Bennet: See Bennet, Elizabeth
Bernie: Unsubtle reporter. Bernie's mission: to acquire personalized information about the bus crash from Wallace Fennel. He tries to be as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, but he only manages to lose his notepad's top page to Wallace in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker, alliterator

Played by Marty Ryan.
Halle Berry: See Berry, Halle
Berto: A PCHer. Possibly infamous for tripping breakers, or so says Weevil. Though if he was the only person besides Weevil when the 09ers attacked, we're thinking they said to him, "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator
Bessie: A cow. I'm sure she wasn't as sexy as Kendall, just as I'm sure Kendall doesn't have six nipples, but Logan compares the two anyway in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator
Beth: Teenaged-looking newspaper reporter. Taking a page out of ATF agent Ben's book, Beth goes undercover at Neptune High to catch a big fish of a story. Unfortunately for her, she hits Terrence Cook's Porsche in the process and becomes a target of Wallace's detective skills. He shows that Veronica has taught him well in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Lindsey Tusing.
Betsy: Servant of the Dashwood family in Austen's Sense and Sensibility, a filmed version of which plays in the background of Neptune's modern take on 'Tis a Pity She's a Whore. Whilst the increasingly impoverished Dashwoods must scale down their living standards, they could never part with Betsy or Thomas. Betsy carries the key to the silver cabinet, and her sterling qualities are implied by the choice to retain her in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Inigo
Betty: A Veronica alias. She's blonde and curly and oh-so-peppy. The students at Pan High think Betty is freakin' hot; the students at Neptune High think Veronica is so not. What in the world is wrong with the 09ers?! Off-the-cuff adoption of this name was inspired by meeting Archie lookalike Richie in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo, wyk
Beverly: Secretary of Woody Goodman. Rolling her eyes at her boss, snarking at Logan Echolls, smiling at Keith Mars, and surviving the episode make this ~~model's~~ government worker's guest spot a tad more successful than those of rental car desk clerk Stacy and journalism teacher Leslie Dumass. No wonder Beverly's a winner in 2.17 "Plan B."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Furonda Brasfield.
Bianconsino: See Bianconsino,
Biff: One of Veronica's imaginary friends. When Meg and Duncan sit down with her, Veronica bids Biff move his butt in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo
Big Al: Victim of the Neptune High School bus tragedy? At the one temporary memorial of most interest to the Hawaiian-shirted man is the message, "Goodbye Big Al." The driver's name was Ed, Ms. Dumass wasn't big, Cervando doesn't contract easily into Al, and Meg isn't gone. Who the hell is Big Al? Is the death of another biker noted in 2.02 "Driver Ed"?

-Inigo
Big Boy: Pi Sigma-ite. His name is written large in a Comic Sans-eque print, yet his score is but a mediocre 100. I could make all sorts of joke about size and overcompensation, but the fact that he is involved in a contest where he gets numerical scores for the girls naive or drunk enough to sleep with him sort of makes all my jokes for me. Big Boy is a sad example of humanity in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust
Big Brother: Dictator/figurehead. He's watching you. Right now, really. While you're doing that math problem. 2 + 2? Can you puzzle that one out? It's 5, dude. 2 + 2 = 5. Believe it, man. Big Brother said so. Logan has always been at war with Veronica in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow
Big John and the Loveladies: Band. We really don't want to think about where John got his nickname and why he has so many Loveladies, so instead we'll make fun of his poster on the wall of a Hearst hallway. It looks to be made using Crayola markers. This is college, guys! Can't you just make fliers, like the one next to your poster that "seek[s] a bassist"? Hey, that's not you guys, is it? Are you bassless? Perhaps my accusations are baseless in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow
Big! Dave: Pi Sigma Sigmoron. Not one to be bound by petty things like "convention" or "punctuation," Big! Dave takes exclamation points to a whole new level. Veronica would probably want to know, though: sure, it's Big! — but is it Legendary!? Judging by B!D's paltry score of 110, it's a safe bet that this hog is no match for the greats. Size matters in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove
Bigfoot: Legendary ape-like beast. Reports of Bigfoot sightings are often dubious and sometimes accompanied by conveniently blurry or indistinct photos, so we seriously doubt that there is actually a—holy crap, look over there! It's Bigf—oh, too late. You missed him. Lamb thinks we can safely cross Bigfoot off the list of rape suspects in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-misskiwi
Biggles: See Biggles,
Bill: Chief of the Neptune Fire Department. Veronica's jailbait in more than one sense when she persuades him to commit a little petty larceny and tamper with evidence in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Played by Tom McCafferty.
Jack Billet: See Billet, Jack
Billy: Pan High School mascot. You'll never guess what Billy is. Go on. Give it a go. An eiderdown duck? No, that's not it. A lemur? Come on! You're not even trying. An antelope? Closer, but no cigar. Billy is a...goat. Cool, huh? Billy Goat Gruff has it a bit rough in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo
Billy #2: A roadie for The Unwashed, we assume, since he was selling their CDs at the door of Winston's. Perhaps he is a kid or a goat or perhaps he is just the assistant of a schoolteacher-turned-president who stupidly tragically met his death. Or maybe not. One can never tell in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator
Osama bin Laden: See bin Laden, Osama
Biology Teacher: An educator in the birds and the bees, and the snakes and the ladders of life. Yes, it's Buddy's buddy, the teacher who thinks feeding live rats to pythons is suitable entertainment at Neptune High. He has to find something to do to distinguish himself as his roll call is a little on the dry side, and not in a Rowan Atkinson way, in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-Inigo

Played by David Patrick Green.
Bird Dawg: Fraternity nickname of Andrew "Drew" Barndale. It figures that someone with life ambitions seemingly underscoring even Dick's would want to name himself after an animal whose greatest achievements are panting and retrieving dead fowl. Drew sucks at puns in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker
Carrie Bishop
Bizen: One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Bizen is a city in Japan famous for pottery. Piz is a college DJ in California known for talking too much. Yeah, we see the connection. Desmond keeps us guessing with the geographically referential nicknames in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow
Black Eyed Peas: Not a much-abused vegetable, but a hip-hop group that was the first to ask, "Where is the love?" They were fallin' up in the BEP Empire over weekends when they got original. They don't lie when they pump it and say, "Hey mama, shut up." Veronica doesn't phunk with their heart in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-alliterator
The Black Heart Procession: An indie rock back from San Diego. Piz has a poster of them in his room. They have a unique sound for an indie band, with electric keyboards, samplers, and even a saw. Unfortunately, the only procession of black hearts is Mercer and Moe fleeing the scene in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator
Black Licorice: Piz's band. He claims to that he doesn't want a radio DJ gig just to get exposure for his band. With a name like Black Licorice — which he describes as being "dark and moody, but at the same time, it's candy" — they're going to need all the help they can get in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-funky-donut
BlackCat70: Screen name for a groupie. As a fan of My Pretty Pony, this chatstress took Desmond's suggestion to "surprise [him]" while he was in town literally, awaiting him in his hotel room clad only in leopard-print lingerie after climbing down from the balcony above on a sheet. Unfortunately, this vixen was not the vixen Desmond was looking for, as she was actually of age. Her real-life alter-ego is a boring assistant professor of Chinese, but Blackcat70 still knows how to walk on the wild side in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-funky-donut
BlackCat80: My Pretty Pony fan and Desmond Fellows groupie. One can see how Desmond got confused, what with the similarity in names between this nubile young thing and BlackCat70. Desmond is disappointed not to be surprised by BlackCat80 in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-funky-donut
Selma Blair: See Blair, Selma
William Blake: See Blake, William
Ms. Blank: See Blank, Ms.
Lloyd Blankenship
Blind Date #1: A rather ditzy lady who thinks Keith may have taken a shine to her. Oh, hon, you're no Alicia. Or Rebecca, for that matter. You seem sweet enough, but it's entirely possible that the desperate vibe you're sending out could be why the dating service "It's Just Coffee" didn't work for you. Blind Date doesn't get lucky with Keith in 2.18 "I Am God."

-funky-donut

Played by Lizzie Murray.
Blind Date #2: A blind date of Keith's. She apparently enjoys indulging in extensive criticism, talking about her ex-husband, and making really off-base comparisons soon after meeting her dates. One cannot imagine why she, of all people, needs a dating service! She suggests a bit of change for Keith in 2.18 "I Am God"

-public displays of lust

Played by Anne L Nathan.
Blind Date #3: Office manager for a local doctor. Keith finally stumbles upon the Ms. Right who can lead him to the doctor who's been diagnosing Neptune High students with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as long as they can turn their heads and cough up the $1000 "co-pay" for his services. Ms. Right outs the Good Doctor 2.18 "I Am God.".

-topanga

Played by Jacleen Haber.
Blinky: A name Veronica calls Thumper. What's in a name? Blinky is the name of the main character in a magazine serial by Gene Markey, yes. It also spawned an Edward Sedgwick, comedic Western/cavalry film from the 1920s. But neither of these can really explain why Veronica thought this was Thumper's name in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-BepperGirl
Julie Bloch: See Bloch, Julie
Blonde Female Caller: Fan of Desmond Fellows'. From mere feet away in the caf, this former My Pretty Pony follower calls Piz's radio show for a chance to chat with her idol. Perhaps she's a super-recent henna convert, because while clearly a redhead (and referenced as such), the credits bill her as "blonde female caller." Offered the role of groupie (or at least invited to humor everyone with a quick flash), her delusions of Desmond's grandeur are quickly dashed in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

Played by Abby Miller.
Judge Bloom: See Bloom, Judge
Rebecca Bloom: See Bloom, Rebecca
Benjamin Bloom: See Bloom, Benjamin
Samuel Bloom: See Bloom, Samuel
Blue Oyster Cult: Band whose biggest hit, "(Don't Fear) The Reaper," featured on Keith's 8-track in 1977 (and on Veronica Mars). For Keith, this is proffered as proof that he was cool. For the rest of us, this is incontrovertible proof that he is in the grips of a fever and the only prescription is...more cowbell!! ~~Will Ferrell's~~ Gene Frenkle's legacy lives on in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo
Blue Stripper: Stripper who...wears blue pants? Or maybe her name is actually Blue. Or both. Either way, she was quite offended when Tim suggested that she and her friend might have bummed a cigarette from a stranger. I mean, come on: taking your clothes off and dancing around a pole while men shove singles in your G-string is one thing, but smoking? A girl's got to have some standards and self-respect in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Nikki McCauley.
Judy Blume: See Blume, Judy
Bo Peep: Nursery rhyme character or Lamb's favored casual wear. Come on, Lambie. We'll come peeking in your windows to see you play with your crook anytime, even though you were a little busy in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo
Bob: Imaginary house vendor. Ever the pragmatist, Weevil responds to the math problem of Bob selling houses at a 5% commission by suggesting that Bob should find something more lucrative to sell. Oh, how we wish that Francis's agent was as diligent in maximizing his client's screen time as Weevil is in maximizing his profit margin in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo
Bob #2: Student at Neptune High and Jane Kuhne's chauffeur friend. Bob is at the loser's end of the who-wants-to-get-into-whose-pants dance that is high school. Carrying Jane's books and driving her around is no substitute for the allure of basketball star Wallace Fennel in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo
Bob #3: Frisbee-playing Hearst College student. How pleasant, bobbing along, bobbing along with a Frisbee on the beautiful college green. What a chance to get a better peep at the near-nude creature in his sleep. Bob glides, tripping o'er the Pi Sigs' pride, obscene though the knickers make the scene...it's lovely, bobbing along, bobbing along to find Diller on the beautiful college green. Lucky for Chip, it wasn't a bedknob or a broomstick up his ass in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

Played by Colin Kim.
Bobcat: Name Logan is not allowed to call Veronica when her Dad is around. We really wonder why Logan shouldn't use this charming nickname, because after all, how could a reference to a feral feline be construed to mean something not entirely innocent? Young Mr. Echolls gives us more insight into this steamy relationship than anyone could ever wish for in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker
Humphrey Bogart: See Bogart, Humphrey
Niehls Bohr: See Bohr, Niehls
Sondra Bolan: See Bolan, Sondra
The Bomb: Choice of nickname of one of the PiSS dwellers at Hearst College. Aw. How cute is that? He made the O like a bomb. Colored it in and everything. What a great guy! And how tacky in a town that lost eight of its citizens to one. Jerk. Check out his claimed chick score in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo
Bombero: Pi Sigma-ite. Did this wannabe Don Juan also wannabe a throwback to the '90s like his fratmate The Bomb or did he just want to be called "fireman" only with more Latin flavor? Of course, judging by his rather sad score of 50, perhaps other people started calling him that because of his ability to single-handedly put out the fires of, er, passion? The origin of this jerk's nickname is a mystery in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust
Jon Bon Jovi: See Bon Jovi, Jon
James Bond: See Bond, James
Barry Bonds: See Bonds, Barry
Bone Head: A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. His head is made of bones—gosh, these frat boys are smart. Or maybe Bone Head is not so smart. Or maybe he's a paleontology major. Or maybe he's just really horny. Anyone's guess is as good as ours in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga
Bookish Female TA: Cute, giggly teaching assistant at Hearst who seems to think fixing a thermostat is worthy of undying adoration. It's hard to blame a nerdy lit student, though, for falling under Weevil's gruff, manly, wrong-side-of-the-tracks, former-gang-leader spell in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-ninamazing

Played by Jessica Aerin Hughes.
Daniel Boone: See Boone, Daniel
Preston Boone: See Boone, Preston
Bootsy: PCH biker. Much like the Sith, the PCH bikers seem to thrive on giving their members silly nicknames: after a bug and a Bambi character, we now get a footwear fetishist. Despite his remarkable moniker, Bootsy is rather anonymous, given that he wears the trademark badass biker helmet. Bootsy is seen, not heard, in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!" and talked about, not seen, in 2.11 "Donut Run.".

-grimsqueaker, Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.11 2.08
Border Patrol Official: One of the many valiant officers responsible for patrolling our borders against illegal aliens...or rich 09ers kidnapping their illegimate babies. Unfortunately, this agent (who must be pulling double time, 'cause it looks like he's a customs agent too) is foiled by his evil archnemesis: traffic. This agent looks nothing like Hugo Weaving in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-alliterator

Played by Chris Salcedo.
Boris: A love interest? Lianne's final guess as to the identity of her daughter's mysterious boyfriend, the selection of which finally forces Veronica to 'fess up in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo
Boy: Jackie Cook's two-year-old son. Kid's screwed, of course, not knowing his mother from his grandmother. If his life truly follows in the path trod by Bobby Darin, he'll have a good time, marry and divorce an ingénue who makes her name in re-make of Gidget, then die at the age of thirty-seven. Or not. It's a little hard to tell based on events in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

Played by Rajkumar Gross.
Boy at Keyboard: Neptune High student. The Silent Bob to the chattier Favorite Band Sucks T-Shirt, our boy doesn't do much besides sitting and staring at a video featuring the dead but still fabulous Lilly Kane in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Mark Styles.
Boy George: Singer, songwriter, and flamboyantly gay leader of the eighties band Culture Club. Tad thinks he is insulting Seth by calling him Boy George. All he really does is draw further attention to the poo he wrote/sang for Carmen. Besides, you can bet your bottom dollar that George doesn't have Seth's name tattooed on his back like Tad in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo
Danny Boyd
Boyz II Men: Rap group that was most famous in the '90s. You'd think after ten years of being around, they would change their name to Men II Older Men. Veronica goes from telling-Sheriff Don Lamb-she-was-their-back-up-singer Happy II seeing-Logan-put-her-in-the-rear -view-mirror Sad in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator
Jennifer Bradbury: See Bradbury, Jennifer
Keith Bradley: See Bradley, Keith
A Brady: See Brady, A
Brant: Assistant to Budd Rose. He's pushy, rude, snotty, and a snappy dresser: what more could a guy ask for in an assistant? Well, stroking your hair while you're sleeping and throwing a jealous fit because you're still married to your wife might be a little over the top. Not that there's anything wrong with that...actually, there's something very wrong with that in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-misskiwi

Played by Brian Kimmet.
Donnie Brasco: See Brasco, Donnie
Bratty Little Girl: Daddy's little devil. She leaves purple gum on seats, snarks on Veronica, and wears Lilly's necklace. Can someone get this kid in the next Problem Child sequel? At least then we won't see her in any episode besides 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Rachel Rogers.
April Breck: See Breck, April
Brent: The invisible man, apparently, or at least a Milford graduate. A Dandy Warhol and probably a close relative of Sue Storm, Brent has taken it upon himself to hide among the other minor speaking roles, but still appears in the credits just to spite us. Oh, Brent, you rascal! We used to be friends! Brent is neither seen nor heard in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Brent DeBoer.
Brer Rabbit: The main character in the folktales of Uncle Remus, as collected by Joel Chandler Harris. Brer Rabbit is the amiable trickster who, when trapped by Brer Fox, begs not to be thrown into the briar patch. This is exactly what the silly fox does, enabling Brer Rabbit to escape. Lamb has read the story and delights in avoiding Veronica's trap of telling him that Duncan's not in Mexico. But Veronica is a really tricky trickster and counts on him avoiding her trap, thus entrapping him more in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-Inigo
Brett: Leader of the paintballers. Though Brett is not his real name, that's the moniker Veronica saddles him with when she accuses him of vandalizing Babylon Gardens. Consider yourself lucky you aren't Towelie, Brett. Brett's mischief making (and random paintball shootings) is brought to an end by Veronica in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Kunal Sharma.
Brian: Aaron's tennis coach. A cool dude that Aaron will discuss anything in front of, so long as it's not adultery. Aaron and Brian practice in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo
Brian #2: Brother of an indiscreet hospital worker. This is how gossip works. Brian's brother tells Brian. Brian tells Ashley. Ashley tell Carrie. Carrie tells Susan. Veronica eavesdrops to discover that Duncan is loony-tunes bonkers. All good fun in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo
Brian #3: Best roommate a guy could have — or something. Max has Brian and Fred to thank for his heartbreak, since they just couldn't live with themselves knowing that Brian was rooming with a *gasp* virgin! Something had to be done to remedy the situation, so they sent Chelsea his way — and then got pissed off when they learned what really happened that magical night at Comic-Con — in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-fulfilled

Played by Richard Keith.
Nash Bridges: See Bridges, Nash
Bridget: Friend of Caitlin Ford. Poor girl. In what is becoming something of a cliché, the private phone number of one of Paris Hilton's mates is disclosed to the world in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.20 1.02
Bridget #2: Dog owner. Her toy spaniel Louie is dognapped by the notorious Balboa Cartel and her offer of $100 is insufficient to secure his return. Veronica comes to the rescue by upping the reward and Wallace gets to return Louie to a grateful Bridget. As he hoped, she is hot, grateful and single...for someone in their sixties. Wallace needs a girlfriend, so it's a shame this May-December romance never gets off the ground in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Played by Virginia Hawkins.
Cora Briggs
Miss Brightside: See Brightside, Miss
Britt: Karaoke singer who bears an uncanny resemblance to the lead singer of Spoon. After Veronica pours Britt a cup of coffee, he serenades her with his rendition of "Veronica." Aww, what a sweetie. Unfortunately for Lars, his fickle gal also becomes smitten by Britt's sweetness and total bed-head hair in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-wyk

Played by Britt Daniel.
Jason Brock: See Brock, Jason
Brodie: One of the Pi Sigma Sigma pledges that was a naked waiter at the Zeta Theta Beta party. He may have a large comic book collection and go on to host the Tonight Show or possibly become the sheriff of a beachside town terrified by a shark. Or maybe not. But here's the question: is a stinkpalm worse than a trip to the dentist? We'll never know, since Brodie's only mentioned in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-alliterator
Mr. Brody: See Brody, Mr.
Brooklyn Dan: Namesake of the diner where Jackie and her mom work. Hmm, I wonder where this diner could be possibly located? This not-so-subtle diner name is just another in a long line of anvilicious writing in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-wyk
Paul Brooks: See Brooks, Paul
Pierce Brosnan: See Brosnan, Pierce
Steve Broussard: See Broussard, Steve
Big John Brown: See Brown, Big John
John Brown: See Brown, John
Bobby Brown: See Brown, Bobby
Jacob Bruce: See Bruce, Jacob
Anthony Brundige: See Brundige, Anthony
Pat Bryant: See Bryant, Pat
Bubbles: Michael Jackson's former chimpanzee. No, seriously, that's not a euphemism. Bubbles was MJ's pet chimp/date to the red carpet/housekeeper for many years until he became violent and was sent to live on an animal ranch. Poor Bubbles. Veronica implies her father is her "monkey with connections" by calling him this in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut
Buckcherry: An L.A. rock and roll band with songs that get strippers in a fighting mood. Catholic School Girl complains bitterly that her seniority gives her first refusal in song choices and that Tory can't claim the band wrote one specially for her. Now this, of course, all depends on whether Tory is an alias for Buck Cherry, the notorious Hollywood transvestite who used to bum cigarettes from that band and from whom they took their name. Somebody, possibly masquerading as John Enbom, knew their rock history in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo
Bucko: Dog. One of the missing pedigrees, he is enjoying the hospitality of Balboa Animal Control. He is rescued in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo
Bud: One of Inga's pets...or possibly her husband. It is hard to be sure, as Lamb interrupts her gossiping with Keith, much to her displeasure, in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo
Buddy: Snake not on a plane. In fact, this snake is positively grounded, stuck in a high school biology class. He lives on a steady diet of rats because whole-animal cuisine is where it's at. An attempt to feed him processed rat meat shaved into thin, sprinkle-ready portions would be met with "I've had it with these flakes!" Despite all his rage, he will still eat a rat in a cage in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-Polter-Cow
Jenny Budosh
Warren Buffet: See Buffet, Warren
Buffy: The name Fern Delgado uses when "Veronica" is too hard to remember. It's a mistake, for that name has a particular resonance with our chosen one. Veronica isn't just going through the motions, for she has a theory when she finds the bunnies that left Chip a Keister egg. If they're together, the Lilith House girls are the mustard under the spell of revenge, even if they'll never tell. Male rape isn't a parking ticket, but Veronica may let this one rest in peace as deserved punishment — a dawn's lament for Patrice Pitrelli. No matter what you feel about it, Veronica may well be standing up for rough justice, if not wholesale faked rapes, for she's walked through the fire and knows that humiliation isn't something to sing about. Question is, where does she go from here after 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's"?

-Inigo
Evelyn Bugby: See Bugby, Evelyn
Bugs Bunny: Cartoon wabbit. The bunny's wacky exploits are brought to mind as Veronica visits the Shark Field stadium site and checks out what's up...shock!...in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo
Apollo Bukenya: See Bukenya, Apollo
C. Bundrick: See Bundrick, C.
Adam Bunting: See Bunting, Adam
Dr. Burns: See Burns, Dr.
C. Montgomery Burns: See Burns, C. Montgomery
William S. Burroughs: See Burroughs, William S.
Steve Buscemi: See Buscemi, Steve
George W. Bush: See Bush, George W.
Bush Twin: One of the twin daughters of President George W. Bush. As a brunette, Gia might align herself more closely with Barbara than with blonde Jenna, but as both have a flair for the public drunkenness, sluttiness, and minor scandals that Gia is heir to (now that Daddy is Neptune's commander-in-chief), hair color is probably the least of her concerns. Gia looks to emulate one or the other of them in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator
Buster: Corruptible German Shepherd. He will roll over for a pretty girl. This may be the reason why the sheriff's department has left him in the kennels since 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo
Butch: See Butch,
Melinda Button: See Button, Melinda
Heather Button: See Button, Heather
Buzz: One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Probably the most affectionate nickname Desmond could have chosen, as a buzz is most notably the beginning stages of blissful intoxication — the state in which Desmond seems most content. Desmond teases Piz because he cares in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow
Leisa Byley: See Byley, Leisa
Mrs. Cable-Graham: See Cable-Graham, Mrs.
Julius Caesar: See Caesar, Julius
Nicolas Cage: See Cage, Nicolas
Christine Cagney: See Cagney, Christine
Calexico: Alternative country band from Tucson. Or indie rock band from Tucson. Anyone else wish that music genre-deciders would make up their bloody minds? Or better yet, that music genres would just dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Ahem. Sorry. Issues. Anyway, Max's "friend" Fred may not have a lot going for him, but he is wholly redeemed in this writer's view by having a Calexico poster on the wall in his dorm room, because Calexico are fab. Seriously fab. This is from someone who doesn't like country music as a rule. The covers of "All Tomorrow's Parties" and "Wild Horses," performed with Iron & Wine playing on my iTunes now are so stunningly beautiful that I am reduced to incoherent babbling, just like Fred...isn't really in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Inigo
Caligula: Roman emperor of questionable morals. Depraved and cruel, he was deposed after only four years, making way for his stuttering old uncle Claudius. Man, that Caligula. Veronica's quick thinking results in the one character in history whom Keith might actually think is a worse person to come home and find his daughter with than Eli "Weevil" Navarro in 2.17 "Plan B."

-Inigo
Harry Callahan: See Callahan, Harry
Tina Callas
Isobel Campbell: See Campbell, Isobel
Loretta Cancun: See Cancun, Loretta
Ms. Canning: See Canning, Ms.
Cap'n Krunk: Trash-talking radio alter-ego of Marcos Oliveres. Mild-mannered and kinda gay by day, Marcos cut the edge and pushed the envelope by night in discussing such vital topics as "Who's Our Hottest Prostitute?" and "Sloots 'R You." His greatest act of counterculture rebellion, though, has to be naming himself after a guy on a cereal box. Arrr! The late great pirate is sorely missed, sort of, in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove
Bonnie Capistrano
Reverend Ted Capistrano: See Capistrano, Reverend Ted
Al Capone: See Capone, Al
Truman Capote: See Capote, Truman
Captain of Industry: Member of the jury. With that name, he sounds like a superhero. Well, okay, a corporate superhero. But the way he acts, he seems more like a supervillain. Or maybe a regular villain. Anyway, first he wants to make Veronica forewoman, but then he's all "You can't convict these two rich 09ers!" Finally, he goes from hero to villain to pain in the...buttocks when he only concedes to their conviction knowing that it will be overturned. The Captain needs to shut it in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Robert Curtis Brown.
Captain/Admiral Moneybags: Nickname for Logan. Jeff Ratner attempts to insult Logan by calling him Captain Moneybags, but Logan promptly promotes himself to Admiral. Logan's wealth isn't a secret in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-funky-donut
Car Wash Boss: The owner of Jumbo's Clown Wash. We don't know if his name is Jumbo or if he is just using bad punctuation to say that there is a Jumbo Clown washing cars. Although why you would want a Jumbo Clown washing cars is a mystery. A creepy, creepy mystery. Anyway, he's mean to Weevil and calls him "cholo," but what do you expect from someone who doesn't even put the word "car" in his car wash business? The Winchester brothers might need to make a pit stop in Neptune to take care of this guy in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-alliterator

Played by John Sylvain.
Carl: Room service waiter at the Neptune Grand. His waistcoat is more sumptuous than the Presidential Suite, which says a lot about hotel standards. Discreet and polite, Carl lifts the lids off dinners in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Inigo
Carl #2: Capistrano Ministry worker. The sight of Logan's toenails was the final straw. He resigned from his job as a waiter at the Neptune Grand. He applied for a job at the latest variation of Starbucks to open in Neptune and was happy to get an interview. Dressed in his Sunday best, he headed for Cappuccino Minibars. Dyslexia led him to the headquarters of the Rev. Ted. Both declared it an act of God, a match in heaven was made, and Carl found his true calling...humping boxes and still not getting a line. Kidding. It's probably not the same guy in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo
Carl #3: Concerned member of the Neptune Homeowners' Association. He throws around what appears to be the Homeowners' Association's considerable weight, leaning on Keith to get results in the robbery cases before the impending election. If Carl thinks Vinnie would be a better sheriff, he obviously isn't as smart as he thinks he is in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Steve Bean.
Carlita: One of the help. She should feel honored that someone as important as Lynn Echolls would even bother learning her name. She teeters on the edge to ensure that there are no bald patches on the Christmas tree for a super-duper