Who's Who of Veronica Mars — H
- H. Fenn
- See Fenn, H.
- Hadley Klein
- See Klein, Hadley
- Hadwell, Mae
Veronica alias, purportedly vocational ed coordinator at Neptune High. She coordinates vocations, see, specifically those of Cora Briggs, who might want a vacation from her vocation. You made her wear a chicken suit, Mae? It's a good thing you're not real, at least in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."
-Polter-Cow- Hadwin, Monica
Married to Aaron's agent Harvey. She takes her husband's job very seriously when it comes to pleasing the randy movie star. She and Aaron's 18-year-old-wrestler's ass are caught in flagrante in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."
-wyk
Played by Emmanuelle Vaugier.- Hale, Trevor
Namesake of the Chicago high school Wallace attends during his Neptune hiatus. We know nothing of his academic legacy, but he must have been some sort of god on the court, basketball and otherwise. If b-ball be the food of love, play on! Rumor has it that if the Trevor Hale basketball team scores one hundred two-pointers in one season, they will be allowed into Mount Olympus once again. Thus, they live by this creed: "And love shall make the earth tremor as it's reborn in a storm of fire and hail." Except they think of "love" as "mad skillz." We're laying odds Veronica's laying more than odds in 2.11 "Donut Run."
-Polter-Cow- Hall and Oates
Musical duo of the '70s and '80s. They, uh, rocked? This act was and might still be real (expect them on the next season of Hit Me Baby One More Time). Vincent Van Lowe might be a fan. But then you'd think he'd know which was which if he was a real fan. He sings their song "Private Eyes," badly. His performance rocks, not, in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."
-Inigo- Hall, Annie
Main character of the 1977 film by the same name, one of Woody Allen's greatest cinematic achievements. Oddly enough, this classic of the romantic comedy genre was originally conceived as a murder mystery, but when that fell flat, the editors decided to focus on the unlikely coupling of Annie (played by Diane Keaton) and Alvy (played by Allen) instead. As Mindy points out, Landry and Annie apparently share the same affinity for smoking up before sex. What else might they have in common? (Visions of Landry wearing a pantsuit ensemble complete with hat, scarf, and gloves while Mindy flees from an errant lobster dance through our heads….) Unfortunately, we don't get to see that in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."
-leila6- Hall, John
No such person. Vincent Van Lowe thinks he is one half of the real life group Hall & Oates. It was Daryl Hall and John Oates. Vincent is an ass in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."
-Inigo- Halle Berry
- See Berry, Halle
- Hallie Piatt
- Hamburglar
Part of a team of McDonald's mascots. Hamburglar was distinctive in that he always wore his jail outfit and yet we never saw him in jail. We're thinking he paid off Ronald McDonald somehow. And yet, he's still better than the Burger King King. Veronica wants Hamburglar-free glasses in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."
-alliterator- Hamilton, Adam
The Adam who does look like Fievel and is poor to boot. Veronica, Mac and Wallace use his name to gate-crash Madison Sinclair's party. When they barge in, she can't be more horrified than if it had been Adam at the door in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."
-Inigo- Hamilton, Bryce
Son of rap impresario Bone Hamilton. His father reckons his ass should be toughened. It is already well insulated. Bryce ditches PE for independent study so he can pour water in a tank. Who said this kid is dumb? Veronica knows better in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."
-Inigo
Played by Jermaine Williams.- Hamilton Cho
- See Cho, Hamilton
- Hamilton, Percy "Bone"
Gangster rap impresario and unforgiving father. His reputation is built on hanging prospective signings out of windows (he did, he did) and putting ex-partners in wheelchairs (he didn't, but hey, way to get a rep). Success comes at the cost of jail time for doin' crime and estranged children who ain't so chillin'. Bone loses his daughter in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."
-Inigo
Played by Anthony Anderson.- Hamilton, Vanessa
Wife of Bone, mother of Yolanda and Bryce. This is your stereotypical little woman/trophy wife. She is beautiful, graceful and totally ineffective in keeping her man in line or keeping her daughter's hair under control in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."
-Inigo, wyk
Played by Shari Headley.- Hamilton, Yolanda
Bone's daughter and home-wrecker. Okay, maybe we exaggerate. But she was the cause of the last Lilly/Logan break-up. And she runs away from her own family. And she elopes with Sam Bloom's son. That's one couple and two families by our reckoning. Yolanda plays Juliet in a happy end version of Shakespeare's classic in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."
-Inigo
Played by Jowharah Jones.- Hamlet
The original angry, screwed-up and screwed young man from the Shakespeare play of the same name. Hamlet battles with himself as he sways between angry vengeance and the need to do justice, struggling against doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Sound like anyone you know? Logan and Weevil let the lesson wash over them in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door", but there may be hope for them. They start to use their brains just as the play is revived at Neptune High. A coincidence? I think not. Judge for yourself in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."
-Inigo
All bios: 2.09 1.07- Hamm
Character in Beckett's Endgame. Jimmy Spain plays him, when not helping to con the terminally stupid, in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."
-Inigo- Hammer, Victor
Will making Vector Force Ten, starring Connor Larkin, give him an Oscar or a coronary? Is he any relation to the Victor Hammer who is or was Director of Photography on a little-watched show on UPN? We never find out in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."
-Inigo- Hampstead, Ray Lee
Escaped prisoner. He broke out the back windshield of a Balboa County sheriff's department cruiser and fled on foot. Lucky for the residents of Neptune, he ran straight into the bounty lovin' arms of one Keith Mars in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."
-Inigo- Hand, Kevin
Actor. He is first on the bill as Clove in the Circle Theatre Company's production of Endgame. For a guy who didn't even make a live appearance, much less get a line in this episode, his headshot seems awfully happy in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."
-Inigo- Hank
Not to be confused with Hank "Ziggy" Zigman, this is the Hank from Action News. Just give him a call and he'll send you the news in your very own handy video, or at least he does it for Veronica in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."
-Inigo- Hank #2
Character in Storm Warning. Wallace doesn't want to wait to watch Doris Day die in the old black-and-white movie if it means Keith and Alicia continue cooing and cuddling. He forces Alicia home before Hank's fate is determined in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."
-Inigo- Hank Diddon
- See Diddon, Hank
- Hank Fennel
- See Fennel, Hank
- Professor Hank Landry
- Hank "Crazy Hank" Melton
- See Melton, Hank "Crazy Hank"
- Hank "Ziggy" Zigman
- See Zigman, Hank "Ziggy"
- Hanks, Jill
Reporter from the Neptune Register. She was in the middle of an interview with Keith when a pair of troublemakers (and one badass) interrupted to accuse the Acting Sheriff of concealing the thieving propensities of his daughter. That may sound like a good story, but the Register's readership would probably have enjoyed it more if Ms. Hanks had caught the Sheriff with no pants after an unfortunate salad incident in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."
-misskiwi
Played by Tracey Rooney.- Hannah Griffith
- Hannibal Lecter
- See Lecter, Hannibal
- Hans
Dog man with a van and low morals. Hans works at the dog pound and with JW, steals dogs for the reward money. On the side, he is collecting Dalmatian puppies for Cruella DeVille. At eighteen, he's looking forward to that community soap Veronica promises, after his taser massage, in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."
-Inigo
Played by Matthew Carey.- Hans Gerhard Creutzfeldt
- See Creutzfeldt, Hans Gerhard
- Hans Tucker
- See Tucker, Hans
- Hanson, Hart
- Happy
Big, scary dude. Also known as Mr. Happyfists. He enforces things for Wendy's madame. But he doesn't really seem too happy in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."
-funky-donut
Played by Windell D. Middlebrooks.- Happyfists, Mr.
Nicki's nickname for Happy, the enforcer for . Something tells me that his fists don't have "HAPP" and "YSAD" tattooed on them in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."
-alliterator- Hardy, Frank
The older brother of mystery-solving and crime-fighting fame, Frank Hardy is one of the main characters in the Hardy Boys mystery series — those boys who have been the male counterparts to Nancy Drew since 1927 — and yet he has remained 18 years old the entire time. Unfortunately, Keith can't say the same thing when he talks about his old friends, the Hardy boys, in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."
-fulfilled- Hardy, Joe
Frank Hardy's little brother. The other half of the infamous Hardy Boys mystery series and star of the original 58 books, as well as several spin-off series, which recreated the success and tone of the original books with varying degrees of success. Just like his big brother, Joe is revealed to be one of Keith's oldest friends in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."
-fulfilled- Harlow, Dean
Dean of Student Affairs at Hearst College. Hardly a blonde bombshell, Ms. Harlow already seems the perfect substitute for seldom-seen Neptune High schoolboard president Jessica Fuller. Here's hoping the dean does not have similar family attachments in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."
-grimsqueaker
Played by Rosina Widdowson Reynolds.- Harmon, Mrs.
Soccer mom with a camera. When she's not being conned by teenagers, she's videotaping scary stalkers and her son's moves on the pitch in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."
-Inigo- Harmony Chase
- Harold Bell
- See Bell, Harold
- Dr. Harriet Monk
- See Monk, Dr. Harriet
- Harriet Beecher Stowe
- See Stowe, Harriet Beecher
- Harris, Emma
Successful nomination for the Homecoming Royal Court and candidate for Homecoming Queen. Her name is an anagram of "I'm a Mars her," and she squees at the chance of a plastic tiara in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."
-Inigo- Harris, Nick
Founder of Nick Harris Detectives, a company based in Van Nuys, with offices in Ventura, Boston and Washington. Mr. Harris has long since hung up his fedora and raincoat to ponder the mysteries of heaven or hell (1943), but the firm's current Master Detective, J. Corey Friedman, is a consultant on the show. Keith approves the shoutout when Veronica recommends the agency to Julie Bloch. Or he would approve if that's what Veronica were really doing in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."
-Inigo- Harrison,
Rent-a-cop and Point Break fan. What's the best way to get over your resentment of the rich college kids you are paid to serve and protect? Clearly, by donning Presidential rubber masks, brandishing fake pistols, and scaring the bejesus out of a group of them as you make off with their gambling cash and sentimental possessions. Harrison and Sasaki do just that in 3.05 "President Evil."
-bethgee
Played by Blake Shields.- Harrison, George
The quiet Beatle. Author of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" and "Something," George was the one who was first drawn to more worldly music and led the march of the band to the Indian sub-continent. After the band's demise, he famously ripped "He's So Fine" for his classic solo hit "My Sweet Lord," he became one of the pioneers in using his position in pop to raise money to alleviate suffering, and he formed Handmade Films, which produced cult classics like Monty Python's Life of Brian and Withnail and I. An all-around cool dude and Traveling Wilbury, George passed away in 2001. He is remembered by pale imitation Desmond Fellows in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."
-Inigo- Harry
Apollo Bukenya's roommate. Having an English accent isn't enough to make Harry a blip on Veronica's radar when she first interviews Apollo, but she does tap him as a resource when Apollo starts avoiding her. Harry gives Veronica a spot of trouble when none of his suggestions to find his errant roommate pan out. Harry is quite the artful PI-dodger in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."
-starxdsparrow
Played by Tom Connolly.- Harry and David
Venerable maker of fine fruit baskets. Also inadvertently the maker of childhood drama. Logan recalls Aaron's pear-as-a-weapon abusive episode to Norman Phipps. Well, at least he can't accuse dear old Dad of being uncreative in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf.".
-bethgee- Harry Callahan
- See Callahan, Harry
- Harry Diddon
- See Diddon, Harry
- Harry Greene
- See Greene, Harry
- Harry Potter
- See Potter, Harry
- Hart, Coach
Sports teacher at Neptune High. A mystery that gripped Veronica Mars viewers for months may finally have been solved. Is Coach Hart, the tennis trainer the Crawfords wanted fired for declaring a have-not better than their son, actually the multi-talented Coach? Or is he just yet another lonely face in the restless anthill that is Neptune High's teaching staff? The experts are still wondering while the still nameless coach enjoys the HoYay in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."
-grimsqueaker- Hartman, Darren
Editor of the Hearst Lampoon. He probably dreams of a time where he'll wittily turn parts of his life story into a TV series about
the best sketch comedy show on aira satirical college paper, but thus far all he gets is Veronica Mars and Dean O'Dell doubting the humoristic qualities of his rag in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."-grimsqueaker
Played by Daniel Farber.- Hartnett, Josh
Fanciable actor. At least Veronica thinks so in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."
-Inigo- Harvey Greenblatt
- Harvey, P.J.
English singer who makes most music critics swoon with her body. Of work. Some might say that she is the product of the night the Pixies mated with the Breeders. Amelia DeLongpre and her roommate are fans, or they just really like the poster, which can be seen, sort of, in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."
-Inigo- Harvey, Walt
Jake Kane's neighbor. His security cameras catch a tiny thief scaling the Kanes' wall. Just think how different Neptune might be if Walt and his security cameras had lived next door to the Kanes three years ago in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."
-misskiwi
Played by Jim Jansen.- Harwell, Madison
Sports-radio deejay who sits on a jury with Veronica. His frat-boy demeanor seems to hide a sensitive, respectful, kind man who...wait, who are we kidding? This is The Todd! He probably tried to sleep with the defense attorney during the trial! Hopefully that banana hammock didn't chafe too badly during the long deliberations. The Todd high-fives a guilty verdict in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."
-funky-donut
Played by Robert Maschio.- Hasselhoff, David
Marginal actor turned alleged singer. First came Knight Rider, then came Baywatch, and don't forget that auspicious singing career (thank goodness for those supportive Germans!). These days, questionable double-hyphenate David Hasselhoff makes headlines by crying publicly, hurting himself on lighting fixtures, and failing to hold his sauce. If that's not bad enough, he gets no respect from Piz in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."
-bethgee- Hauser, Albert
A child of Neptune. The son of a recently divorced and overworked teacher knows exactly what he wants (ice cream) and how to get it (by screaming very loudly). Luckily for Veronica, he is easily diverted by the wonders of modern television, so his reign of terror is short-lived in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."
-grimsqueaker
Played by Ari Lerner.- Hauser, Mrs. Deborah Philipina
- Hawkins, Sadie
Cartoon character from L'il Abner. She was so hideous and old and unmarried, her father had to create a special day just for her to be able to catch a man.
Aw.Ew. The idea was appropriated from the strip into general American life, and Sadie Hawkins Day dances became popular as a chance for girls everywhere to *gasp* ask out boys themselves! This archaic tradition is apparently still celebrated in Neptune in 2.17 "Plan B."-funky-donut- Hayes, Grover
Philanthropist for whom Hearst's library is named. Is he the great-grandaddy of a rapist or the namesake of a certain blue furry monster of Sesame Street fame? Perhaps he's the unlikely love child of Rutherford B. Hayes and Grover Cleveland? No matter what his true identity, he's rich enough to have his name immortalized on the side of a building in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."
-starxdsparrow- Hayes, Hunter
One of the 09ers accused of beating a Latino prostitute, he sounds like either a superhero or a pro-wrestler or some combination of the two. Perhaps he's the archenemy of Mr. Kavalos. Hunter won't be hunting anytime soon thanks to Veronica's actions in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica," and he is one of the victims of Veronica's "rich dude kryptonite" (faulty metaphor alert!) in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."
-alliterator- Hayes, Mercer
- Haymark, Deputy
One of Lamb's deputies. He is out in the field, far away from the action like the rest of Lamb's men, except one, in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."
-Inigo- Head Jerk
For being the head of jerks, he sure doesn't seem to say much besides, we think, "Who is this girl?" If we're not mistaken, he bears a striking resemblance to Lenny Sofer in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."
-Polter-Cow
Played by Jesse C. Boyd.- Hearn, Carly
A business associate of Marvin Chase, Harmony's husband. She wants to "expand" her association with Marvin, but he's faithful to his wife. No homewrecking for Carly in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."
-alliterator
Played by LeAnna Campbell.- Hearst, Roger
The brother of Selma Hearst Rose. Roger wants to keep using Asian products for their company, while Selma wants everything made in America, which wouldn't be profitable. It's no surprise, then, that he doesn't seem too broken up when she disappears. Roger fails in any way to say "Annyong!" in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."
-alliterator
Played by Alan F. Smith.- Hearst, William Randolph
Rosebud! Oh, sorry, wrong newspaper magnate. Well, sort of. You see, Charles Foster Kane of Citizen Kane was based on Randolph Hearst. Old Dolph even tried to buy all copies of the movie, so no one could see it. Talk about not wanting bad publicity. Anyway, it's not clear if Hearst College is named after him, but he does get a name check in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."
-alliterator
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- Heather Button
- See Button, Heather
- Hector Cortez
- Heidegger, Martin
German philosopher of dubious political alignment. Both his influence on the development of 20th century western philosophy and his cuddly relationship with the Nazis make Heidegger a great name to drop in a typical college party conversation. He enables Stacy to live the stereotype in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."
-grimsqueaker- Heidi Fleiss
- See Fleiss, Heidi
- Heidi Kuhne
- See Kuhne, Heidi
- Heinrich, Larry
Neptune High School math teacher and Swingle. His interests include horseback riding on the beach, hot tubbing with special friends and "sensual" charades. Behold the glory of the only man at Neptune High who can make Clemmons look like a total stud muffin in 1.20 "M.A.D."
-Inigo, wyk- Helicopter Pilot
The upgrade to the Bond villain's chauffeur, he flies Big Dick Casablancas to safety in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."
-grimsqueaker
Played by Ivor Shier.- Helm,
Business associate of Mindy O'Dell, who has people in Sacramento she must meet. As captains of industry go, Helm is at the...helm. Ahahaha. We just crack ourselves up. With a name like Helm, he has to be good in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."
-leila6- Hemingway, Ernest
Writer. "Papa" Hemingway is to American literature what Shakespeare is to theater, so highly is he regarded. There are those who find his terse prose a little too sparse and his macho posterings a little too dull. Meg is not alone in her narcolepsy. The Sun Also Rises sends her nodding off (Verb. To fall asleep), albeit not into a coma. It took
DuncanBeaver to do that. But Veronica was nodding off in English class too. That's the only explanation for her failure to recognize a picture of the man himself, hanging on the wall of one of his favorite bars when she was looking for "Papa's Cabin." The effects of Hemingway's words and wicked ways are felt in 1.21 "A Trip to the Dentist" and 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."-Inigo
All bios: 3.15 1.21- Hendrich,
Producer of oil filters and pin-up calendars. Pretending to be Curly's niece, Veronica inherits one of their products, which she may or may not hang up over her bed, in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."
-grimsqueaker- Henri Alfandari
- See Alfandari, Henri
- Henri Poincare
- See Poincare, Henri
- Henry, Patrick
Nineteenth century American politician and orator. "Give me liberty or give me death!" became his famous war cry. His Stamp Act Resolutions are believed to be early catalysts for the Revolutionary War. Mr. Wu is inspired by ol' Henry's portrait and warns his Study Hall students to give him silence or risk an early death. Mr. Wu silences Wallace and Jackie in 2.17 "Plan B."
-topanga- Henry Varnum Poor
- See Poor, Henry Varnum
- Herbert Lindsay
- See Lindsay, Herbert
- Herman Melville
- See Melville, Herman
- Hermann Rorschach
- See Rorschach, Hermann
- Hesse, Hermann
Author and Nobel Prize winner. His Siddhartha inspired the beat poets of a generation. Phil Jackson recommends it to Aaron Echolls, but Aaron is no Buddha in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."
-Inigo- Hester
One of Veronica's many aliases. Hester Prynne may have gotten in the family way with her local preacher man, but Veronica just uses the scarlet woman as a cover when faced with a pastor for the television age in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."
-starxdsparrow- Hewitt, Jennifer Love
Actress. "I see dead people." So says Jennifer Love Hewitt on her television show The Ghost Whisperer. Veronica thinks this former Party of Five-r would be a better choice to interpret weird dreams starring the bus crash victims. Come on, Veronica. No one makes a WTF cliffhanger face better than you. Jennifer can't hold a séance candle to Veronica in 2.18 "I Am God," and Desmond Fellows claims he slept with her, twice, in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."
-funky-donut
All bios: 3.17 2.18- High Heels, Judge
Veronica's nickname for Judge Cramer, who likes to walk around in Wendy's high heels. Is he a foot fetishist? Or does he just like to feel womanly in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves"?
-alliterator- Hilary Duff
- See Duff, Hilary
- Hildebrand, Laura
One of the also-rans in the race to President in the 2004/05 student council elections. Her speechifying wasn't enough to swing things her way in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."
-Inigo
Played by Andrea Rosenthal.- Hildegard
A horse, of course. The Moon Calf Collective is nursing her to health in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."
-Inigo- Hill, Mrs.
A teacher at Neptune Middle School. She lets Veronica make a presentation on guns in her class, but fails to realize how crafty Ms. Mars is until it's too late. Mrs. Hills is puzzled by questions about big yellow trucks (not realizing that they can save the world) in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."
-alliterator
Played by Cameron Meyer.- Hill, Benny
English comedian known best for his slapstick TV shows where silly chases were a regular feature. Veronica likens Nasir's hasty tree descent and escape on bicycle to one of Hill's madcap sequences, little hinting at the tragic parallel between the men. Benny Hill died friendless and alone, a victim of politically correct sensibilities that saw his shows reviled and his career crashing. Nasir was a victim of jingoistic sensibilities that saw his politics reviled and his illegal residency crashing in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."
-Inigo- Hillhouse, Jonathan
Castle member, class of 1929. Remember that 1999 horror flick where Geoffrey Rush thought he was Vincent Price? No? How about the equally bad 1999 movie where Owen Wilson was killed by a fireplace? Well, both House on Haunted Hill and The Haunting are based on Jonathan Hillhouse's twisted autobiography, The Haunting of Hillhouse and his memoir, Birthday Party at Insanity Manor. Word is, Joel Silver's production company, Dark Castle, might have optioned the rights to Hillhouse's final work of non-fiction, Return to Insanity Manor. Funnily enough, Return to House on Haunted Hill is already in the works. Hey, wait a minute..."the Castle"..."Dark Castle"...oh, I'd better call Nish Sweeney, I think I just connected the dots. I hope the Castle doesn't know that I know... In the meantime, try to figure out what sort of crazy secret Hillhouse has hidden in his file in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."
-starxdsparrow- Hillside Strangler
Serial killing double act. The yen of the press to create nicknames failed them in this case (there were two perps) and fails them in the case of Neptune's E-String Strangler (victims were not strangled). Accuracy not being Lamb's forte, the sheriff makes similar mistakes in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."
-Inigo- Hilton, Paris
Uh...um...well? What would you call her? Actress? Nah, as any viewing of House of Wax, and Veronica's nightmares thereafter, will testify. Carmen cites her as a downloadable national joke. I think that should be international, honey. Galactic, even. If one had any doubt of the extent to which Paris endeared herself to the creators of Veronica Mars when she "guest starred" in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due", let it be dispelled. The writers have spoken and, oooo, BURN!!! Paris is always a joke and no exceptions are made in 1.20 "M.A.D." or 2.18 "I Am God."
-Inigo
All bios: 2.18 1.20- His Dudeness
Alternate moniker for The Dude, possibly when drinking Crown Royal. Veronica worships His Dudeness in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."
-Polter-Cow- Hitchcock, Alfred
One of the most influential and recognizable directors of the twentieth century and the person responsible for the writer not showering for a month. Veronica has a Hitchcockian moment when she hears a body fall in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."
-Inigo- Hitler, Adolf
Nazi. Fuhrer. Painter? Yes, indeed, the man responsible for genocide so great it was awarded a special name had an artistic side. It stands to reason, then, that since Larry has an artistic side, he must share many other similarities with Hitler. Veronica invokes Godwin's Law in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."
-Polter-Cow- Ho, Jilly
Baller at Neptune High. As good as she is at the volley; her dad is no good at ducking the ironically named Boatloads of Fun Corp. They are suing his ass for a leaky roof. Jilly's false positive drug test and exclusion from the volleyball team is small fry compared to death by lawyers in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."
-Inigo
Played by Judy Ho.- Hoffa, Jimmy
Teamsters Union president who disappeared without a trace in 1975. His close ties with the mob and the Republican Party, coupled with his brute effectiveness in bringing collective labor pressures on the transportation industry, made him a target for any number of interest groups. The popular assumption is that the mob carried out an execution over disagreements. Hoffa's fame was cemented (perhaps literally) by the efficiency with which his body was, and remains, hidden. The Fitzpatricks allegedly killed Felix's brother and disposed of the body with equal aptitude, according to Weevil in 2.11 "Donut Run."
-Inigo- Hoffman, Dustin
Actor. Is it a cleverly veiled display of school spirit that this screen star appears on a poster hanging in Neptune High, when he played — in one of his
worstmost memorable roles — a pirate?! Did some zealous student wish to make sure that everything that could possibly relate to their illustrious school's mascot would do just that? Or could it just be that an All the President's Men poster is, you know, a nicely topical decoration for the journalism classroom? You decide from its appearance in multiple episodes, including 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody." Unless you're Hallie Piatt, in which case you'll be wondering whatever happened to his brother. Follow me here, Hallie: Hoffa...Hoffman. It's no good. Hallie gets too much sun and Dustin gets a missing brother in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."-Inigo, public displays of lust
All bios: 3.08 1.08- Hoffman, Jimmy
Oh, the elusive Jimmy Hoffman, who are you? Are you Dustin's brother, as Veronica queries? Perhaps a follower of political activist Abbie, who adopted his surname in solidarity? Or maybe Hallie was just having a blonde moment, and she really meant Jimmy Hoffa, the notorious union leader who was allegedly offed by the mob in 1975, and whose body has famously been missing ever since. Will it ever be found? Does peroxide really cause ditziness? It's a riddle (as is Jimmy's actual middle name!) still unsolved in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."
-leila6- Hogg, Jefferson Davis "Boss"
The archnemesis of the Duke boys in The Dukes of Hazzard. Boss Hogg always dresses in white and likes to laugh maniacally whenever he enacts one of his convoluted schemes to a) make money, b) frame the Duke boys, or c) make money by framing the Duke boys. He invariably fails every time. Everybody fails to say, "I love you, too, Boss Hogg" in 2.22 "Not Pictured."
-alliterator- Holly Mills
- See Mills, Holly
- Holmes, Sherlock
World-famous nineteenth-century sleuth and literary creation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
In order to save Wallace from the valley of fear he would have to face if his mother found out that he tested positive for drugs, Veronica needs to find the crooked man who faked the sports teams' annual drug tests. Far from being a dying detective, she discovers the veiled lodger, solves the final problem, and exposes a scandal in Neptune. The great detective would certainly be proud in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."-grimsqueaker- Holst,
Criminology author. According to Holst, in 80% of cases, breakthrough evidence is uncovered through methods outside usual police procedures. Obviously, this Holst character is someone who has watched television in the last five decades. Tim references his work while elaborating on his mentor's downfall in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."
-misskiwi- Homeless Vet
No, not a homeless veterinarian, but a veteran (of what war is never stated, but we're thinking it either begins with a V or K or possibly G) formerly of the Marines. He may be homeless, but he has his pride. He doesn't have a lot of his pride, but he has enough to reject Logan's offer of a hundred bucks to participate in one of his bum fights in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."
-alliterator
Played by Reginald Ballard.- Hometown Honeys
Stick figures in lingerie. The magazine FHM (For Him Magazine, if you can believe it; a more misogynistic name has never been used except for perhaps Barefoot and Pregnant magazine) shows weekly "Hometown Honeys," fashion models from different towns across the good ol' US of A. Apollo Bukenya has a poster of one of them on his wall. So besides playing Grand Theft Auto, he likes looking at the ladies. Well, we can't blame him in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."
-alliterator- Hong, Jisoo
Dirty-email-receiving Hearst student. Did you know that the Vietnamese surname "Hong" means pink and rosy? Similarly pink and rosy are our weary little fingers from having to type up all these unique biographies. We'll be thanking Rick Pickett 'til we're Hong in the face because of his above-and-beyond work in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."
-starxdsparrow- Honus Wagner
- See Wagner, Honus
- Hooke, Robert
Scientist and mathematician. He is credited with both coining the term "cell" and discovering Hooke's Law. I know, that's what it's called! Isn't that a funny coincidence, that he would discover it? See, in the Gobi Desert, he tripped over an F, hit his head on an =, and grabbed onto a - to steady himself, only to unearth a hidden k. Baffled, he arranged his findings in order, but he was still puzzled. Which, of course, was the key! Adding an x, he rejoiced, especially when he saw that the x had suddenly become emblazoned with the words HOOKE'S LAW. Since he was in the desert, he was thirsty, and he was looking for a spring, so he decided that the equation would fit springs. The hidden k, because it was hidden, he knew had remained unchanged for eons. Thus, he named it the spring constant. None of this is mentioned in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."
-Polter-Cow- Hoover, Dr.
Woody Goodman's doctor. He prescribes Woody's heart pills, and although we don't know the specifics, Veronica does an admirable job making them up when she pretends to be Gia. Dr. Hoover totally just, like, changed the dosage from 100 mg QD to 50 mg BID...or something like that. Not that Gia would really know what she was talking about. Dr. Hoover sucks in 2.22 "Not Pictured."
-Polter-Cow- Horatio
Character in Hamlet. He is Hamlet's BFF, much like Wallace is Veronica's. But do you find Horatio running off in the middle of the play over personal issues, probably trying his luck at sea fighting the French
with a blonder and much more British Lee Adama? Horatio sticks around to the bitter end in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."-Inigo, grimsqueaker
All bios: 2.09 1.21 1.07- Horny
A Veronica alias nickname. In her persona of sports-crazy Betty, Veronica announces to the students at Pan High that she was Horny for the Rhinos at Riverdale. Does Veronica really chose Riverdale because of the Archie comics or because their team would be the Rhinos and she is feeling randy in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica"?
-Inigo- Horowitz, Deputy
Deputy. Since he shares the name of a writer on Lost, he's sent to find some stolen goods along with Deputy Kitsis in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."
-Polter-Cow- Horshack, Samuel
Hearst student. Freak or geek, however, that is the question! During his time in the Stanford Prison Experiment Lite, he shows that he's geeky enough to stay kosher. But he's freaky enough to pee his pants! He's geeky enough to insist on his photographic memory of the address shown to him at the start of the game. But he's freaky enough to crack and give the wrong address! He's geeky enough to take notes for someone else. But he's freaky enough that the someone else is the boy who berated him for two days! Verdict: freak AND geek in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week," but revealed to be a cheat (for Rafe) in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."
-Polter-Cow
All bios: 3.06 3.02
Played by Samm Levine.- Horton, Jean
Making up the numbers on the school board in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."
-Inigo- Horvath, Frank
One of the leading researchers and proponents of the polygraph, a.k.a. the lie-detector test. Currently the Chief of Special Studies for the Department of Defense Polygraph Institute, he is also a professor of Criminal Justice at Michigan State University. One of the many articles he has written, "The Criminal Investigation Process and the Role of Forensic Evidence," is quoted by Landry in the middle of his own criminal investigation process in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."
-tallow- Hoshi, Paul H.
A mystery. Will he magically summon up better ratings as Rob Thomas's legerdemainist? Perhaps he is a source of ideas as Rick Pickett's archivist. He could be massaging that sexy, shaved head as Weevil's phrenologist. Whatever he is, he gets his name up on a building in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."
-Inigo- Hot MySpace Girl #2
A hot girl that Dick meets over the interweb. Her father does taxes for half of some sports team, and she claims she wants to bring Dick to one of said team's games, where she could show him the "tour" of her private "box." Of course, this is all a ruse for her to trap him and reveal her master plan: she was friends with Lisa and they were going to give some dissatisfaction to Dick in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."
-alliterator
Played by Christina Ulloa.- Hotel Clerk
In her function as an informative bit character, she helpfully quenches Veronica's thirst for knowledge by telling her that there is neither a Mars nor a Fennel staying at her hotel. She even looks somewhat hot while doing it, proving that a lot of hard work, and careful posturing, can enhance even the smallest role. Watch out for this one in 1.20 "M.A.D.."
-grimsqueaker
Played by Anne Tran.- Hotel Manager
The man at the Neptune Grand. He is the man with the plan to extricate the hotel's rolling tables from where they stand immobile, burdened with congealed food in Logan's suite. This is a man of gravitas. This is a man of fine breeding. This is a man who should have a better reason to insist on entry to one of his guest rooms. It is downright undignified to have to say that the hotel is running out of salt and pepper shakers. The hotel manager is forced to eschew his disdain in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."
-Inigo
Played by John Bisom.- Houseman, Kenny
A potential boyfriend for Veronica? No, and she is actually offended at her mother's second guess of the identity of her new boyfriend in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."
-Inigo- Houston, Whitney
A popular singer who, along with her husband Bobby Brown, was found with some mary jane. Grass. Ganja. Weed. Dope. Pot. Marijuana. Not that she got in trouble or anything. Dick wants to know if Logan wants him to dig out a "dootie bubble" for him in 2.11 "Donut Run."
-alliterator- Howard
Prison guards go where they're sent, so pity poor Howard. He could have been posted to Cell Block H or watched over bad girls or been a witness to a redemption in Shawshank. He might have learned to appreciate birds in Alcatraz or that prison's geological nature or intricate tattoos. He might have enjoyed porridge with Paul Edgecomb or Father Ray. Best posting would have been to become #3, ditch the gun, and have a huge great bubble at his beck and call. Poor Howard. All he gets is a ten-second slot to escort Cormac Fitzpatrick out of jail in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."
-Inigo
Played by John Zacchino.- Howard Gitlin
- See Gitlin, Howard
- Howard Grigsby
- See Grigsby, Howard
- Howard F. McCaffery
- See McCaffery, Howard F.
- Howard Stern
- See Stern, Howard
- Howser M.D., Doogie
A teenage doctor played by Neil Patrick Harris, he often began and ended episodes of his show by typing in his computer journal (the Neanderthal to LiveJournal's homo sapien sapien). Veronica believes her voiceovers are getting dangerously close to Doogie levels in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."
-alliterator- Hsiang "Charleston" Chu
- See Chu, Hsiang "Charleston"
- Huezo #2, Iris
Name that comes up on Planet Zowie when Keith Mars Keith searches for Papa's Cabin. Iris is listed with having a photo credit for Papa's Cabin. Hmm, is this photo-credit Iris Huezo the same Iris Huezo from Veronica's Neptune High biology class in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks"? Double hmm, is it merely a coincidence that the Veronica Mars 2nd 2nd assistant director is also named Iris Huezo? Triple hmm, how many other VM shoutouts are hidden in the cracks and recesses of 3.15 "Papa's Cabin"?
-wyk- Huezo, Iris
One of Veronica's biology classmates. Iris Huezo is also an anagram for "Hi. Oz ruse I." OMG! Could this seemingly random name actually be a cryptic, albeit grammatically-challenged, clue from the writers? Are they telling us that the Wizard-of-Oz loving Lamb managed to outsmart Veronica? Is he the mastermind behind everything? Go see the Wizard, ask him for a conspiracy in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."
-wyk- Huffman, Mrs.
Cora Briggs's Theater Arts teacher. Why Felicity is slumming, we have no idea, but Veronica should really sign up for her "How to Win an Emmy" course, paying particular attention to the first lesson: "Choose your network." Veronica's choice of UPN doesn't get a mark in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."
-Inigo- Hughes, Howard
Reclusive billionaire and noted hotel-dweller. Towards the end of a long life of money, movie, and lovemaking, Hughes retired to his hotel room and to a battle with germs that would last the rest of his life. Refusing to cut his hair or nails more than once a year, bottling his own urine and touching nothing without paper towel, he slowly deteriorated into a walking skeleton. Does Duncan have an inkling that this is the fate some fans wish on him? Despite hotel-living, he reassures Veronica that his nails are short and his urine flushed away in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."
-Inigo- Hulk, The
Do not make Bruce Banner angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Mainly because he turns into a giant, green-skinned, monosyllabic monster. Created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1962, the Incredible Hulk is often seen as a warning against nuclear weapons, messing with the natural order of things, or playing God. Mac just thinks of Hulk-shaped holes in the wall in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."
-alliterator- Humberto Arcila
- See Arcila, Humberto
- Humphrey Bogart
- See Bogart, Humphrey
- Humpty
An imaginary PCH bike gang member invented by Veronica. Have Veronica's dealings with Weevil's gang resulted in her becoming acquainted with an especially protein-rich biker? One with an aversion to walls, perhaps? Or does one of Weevil's boys have a particular fondness for men on horses? Whatever the reason for this choice of epithet, Thumper seems quite displeased to be called such in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."
-public displays of lust- Hunsaker, Jim
Co-writer of The Long Haul, the action adventure comedy about a truck driver... ah, screw it. I'm too tired to snark. He and partner Marcus Silva appear to be amongst the names on the poster that that aren't known show insiders in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."
-alliterator- Hunsaker, Pamela
Author of You're Forty and He's Gone: Dating After Divorce. Pam has a fan in
Mrs.Ms. Hauser who pores over Pam's words of wisdom. Next in the series are You're Fifty and He's Twenty: How to Find the Perfect Boy Toy and You're Sixty and He's Asleep: A Guide to Viagra. Pam's royalties get a boost in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."-Inigo- Hunting, Will
Brilliant but poor mathematical prodigy in the movie Good Will Hunting. The words "It's not your fault" may have managed to take this exceptionally talented young man out of his self-inflicted agony, but they don't help Veronica as she feels survivor's guilt in 2.02 "Driver Ed."
-grimsqueaker- Huntingdons, The
Owners of a pilfered lawn jockey. The biker who stole this time-honored symbol of country clubs and the filthy rich was dealt the same amount of jail time as Big Dick Casablancas, who embezzled millions from his investors and ran from the law. While this may seem unfair, have you ever bought a lawn jockey? Those things are not easy to find, you know. Dick reminds his dear old dad of the punishment that didn't fit the crime in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer.".
-misskiwi- Huntley, Albert
Castle member, class of 1933. Originally from England, Albert's last name derives from the middle English word "hunten," meaning "to hunt." As in, we are going to hunt down Rick Pickett for including so many damn names in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."
-misskiwi- Huntley, Gabe
Castle member, class of 1974. Perhaps related to Albert Huntley, Gabe's secret confession to the members of the Castle was that he ran over someone in Tijuana. Well, you know the saying: what happens in Tijuana, becomes blackmail material for a super-secret, elite organization to keep you in line and do their bidding. Gabe probably wishes he'd laid off the tequila in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."
-misskiwi- Huron
Graffiti star of one of the Balboa County Sheriff's Department interrogation rooms. At least, it seems more likely that the block caps on the wall refer to a person than to a Great Lake or an Indian tribe, whose name is derived from the French word for rough. The big question is this: why did Lamb allow someone in interrogation to write their name on the wall? Could it have anything to do with Lamb batting his eyelashes at Logan on the mention of a conjugal visit? Is Huron Lamb's bit of rough, snatching moments under cover of just a few more questions? Who knows? All is not revealed in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."
-Inigo- Hutton, Timothy
Actor and the star of Taps, the movie the 25th Anniversary DVD of which contained the tapes of Landry's bugged phone calls. In this 1981 drama, Hutton plays Cadet Major Brian Moreland, the leader of the cadets who take over their training facility to prevent its closure. He manages to give lines like "We have a home here. We think it's something worth defending," much dignity and "Honor doesn't count for shit when you're looking at a dead little boy" poignancy. He was nominated for a Golden Globe for this performance which sort of makes up for...SPOILER WARNING...
working with Tom Cruisedying at the end...END SPOILER WARNING. Timothy is front and center, pictorially anyway, in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."-Inigo