3.14 "Mars, Bars"

Aired Feb 20, 2007

Quotes

• Lamb: Where is he, Veronica? Where's Josh? Veronica: Think back, Sheriff. Where did you have him last?

• Lamb: Josh's cellmate says you snuck him a peanut butter cookie.

  Veronica: And he bribed one of your deputies with said cookie?

  Lamb: He was allergic, but you know that. After the paramedic revived him with an epinephrine shot, Josh overpowered him and escaped out of the back of the ambulance.

  Veronica: You didn't have a deputy with him?

  Lamb: He was riding up front.

• Keith: Please tell me you didn't help an accused murderer escape jail. Veronica: Yo, pops, check it out. This girl ain't gonna be nobody's bitch. You better reco'nize. Keith: What's that on your arm? Veronica: I've had some free time. And, no, I didn't help Josh escape. Not intentionally. It turns out he's allergic to peanuts. His plan was to take advantage of my kindness. Keith: That's got to be the first time that's worked for anybody.

• Veronica: Clifford. Something wrong?

  Cliff: I just remembered I need to return Caged Heat to the video store.

• Keith: Can I get you anything, honey?

  Veronica: Oh, a couple cartons of smokes. ...What, dad? It's currency on the inside.

• Keith: Any guess where I might find Josh?

  Veronica: Mexico?

  Keith: So you think he did it?

  Veronica: I don't know. If he didn't, he sure panicked quickly.

  Keith: That was my thought, too.

  Cliff: Anyone want to know what I think? ...Fine, I'll keep it to myself. I'm just saying, my entire workday is spent sorting through my various clients' lies. This kid? I think he's on the up-and-up.

• Keith: You bringing in a fugitive or picking up your dad?

  Vinnie: Old-timer, fraud warrant. Turns out, his uncle isn't Nigerian royalty.

• Keith: Hey, uh, question. I saw what looked like an invoice from you at the home of Coach Barry's widow. Any chance we're working the same case?

  Vinnie: Negatory. Mrs. Barry hired me about a month ago, wanted to know if her husband was cheating.

  Keith: What did you learn?

  Vinnie: Keith, I am bound by the exact same ethical codes you are.

  Keith: Yeah, well—

  Vinnie: I was pulling your leg. I had you, though. No, never got a money shot. Uh, but I did catch him getting friendly in a parking lot with a very attractive married lady.

  Keith: Any chance I could get a copy of that picture?

  Vinnie: Yeah, what the hell? It'll be good having you owe me one. I guess you're tracking that kid? I was thinking of diving into that.

  Keith: Well, I'm...looking for the coach's killer.

  Vinnie: Oh, didn't you hear? It's the kid.

• Keith: Dr. Landry, what brings you—

  Landry: Question, Keith. I found this bug in my cell phone. Did you put it there?

  Keith: No, Hank.

  Landry: Did Veronica do it?

  Keith: I'm sure she had nothing to do with it.

  Landry: You're sure, sure? She's got a lot of initiative. You know, the other day, she asked me something about the movie that I watched in the hotel that night, and then I realized she was probing my alibi.

  Keith: She does have a lot of initiative.

  Landry: She also has got a lot of promise, and she doesn't need to be slumming it in a P.I. office the rest of her life. And, uh, just for the record, that night I checked into the Grand at 7:30. I watched the Clipper game in my room until Mindy showed up, about 8:15. The rest of the evening was occupied by the usual business of an affair, followed by a pay-per-view movie, then sleep. There's no more to say. And there's no more for you or your daughter to find. So please stop trying. It's starting to piss me off.

• Keith: I need to see the sheriff.

  Sacks: I don't know, Keith. He looks kind of busy.

  Keith: Well, that's something I got to see.

• Lamb: So, if I'm hearing you right, you're calling me a dumbass.

  Keith: All I said was the dean's death was a murder, not a suicide. I wanted to bring you what I had as a concerned citizen.

• Veronica: You bring my harmonica? I've got the blues, pa, the sittin'-in-my-jail-cell blues. Keith: Did you bug Hank Landry's phone? Veronica: Wait, what? Keith: He just came storming into the office, saying he found a bug in his cell phone, asking me if I planted it. I didn't. Did you? Veronica: No. Really. Come on, dad. This is the face of truth. Keith: Yeah, that played better in a different context. But, okay, I'm a sucker. I believe you.

• Logan: No holiday decorations, huh?

  Veronica: Actually, that's just why I'm in jail, to avoid Valentine's Day.

• Veronica: You've nearly warmed this cold, cold heart of mine. Logan: Well, this definitely warms mine.

• Lamb: You don't remember the movie?

  Mindy: Hank must have ordered it after I fell asleep.

  Lamb: That's pretty late for a movie. Don't you think he'd have been pretty tired after all your...activities?

  Mindy: I guess that some people have stamina.

  Lamb: You didn't leave the room?

  Mindy: No.

  Lamb: Lying to me is a crime, you know.

  Mindy: You might be thinking of perjury.

  Lamb: I am thinking of perjury.

  Mindy: Well, then you might be confused about what perjury is. Me lying to you here is not perjury.

• Weevil: She's all yours. Knock yourself out, Magnum.

• Logan: Hey. Uh, Veronica asked me to bring you this.

  Mac: Performing a favor from a jail cell? The girl has serious friendship skills.

• Bronson: Jason can't do it, either. He's out of town.

  Parker: Logan, can we, like, borrow you?

  Logan: Will I be returned in my current pristine condition?

  Parker: Yes.

  Logan: Go on.

• Cliff: Who wants out of jail? Veronica: I do! I do!

• Lamb: I know you from somewhere.

  Wallace: Yeah, you told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.

  Lamb: Well, did you?

  Wallace: Yeah. He said to let you know you're the only sheriff in America who he considers a true friend of Dorothy.

• Veronica: Are you okay?

  Mason: I was jumped and thrown in the back of my own car by some psycho who thinks that I killed his father! So, no! I've had better days.

  Mason: Thank you for believing me.

  Veronica: You lied about having a gun.

  Mason: But I wasn't lying about what I saw.

  Veronica: He seems convinced otherwise.

  Mason: Oh, really? I-I must have missed that.

• Keith: Honey...why is there a pistol in the freezer?

  Veronica: Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice. ...Because revenge is a dish best served cold. ...Because I want to commit murder in the 28th degree?

  Keith: Stop.

• Veronica: You think Mrs. Barry hired someone to kill her husband?

  Keith: That's one possibility, but it would be odd for her to hire us after that.

  Veronica: ...I'm not gonna provide a drum roll.

• Mac: Demonstrate...127. Page? Bronson: Whoa. Ah, look. "The Kama Sutra, plate number eleven...Congress of the Cow." Mac: So, we, like... Parker: Demonstrate. Happy Valentine's Day. Mac: Okay, you first. Bronson: Yeah. Logan: Wait. That's "Splitting of a Bamboo." Can I see that for a second?

• Drugstore Clerk: Super Titans? Logan: It's a curse, actually.

• Bronson: Here's the thing...I'm not what you would call a strong swimmer.

  Mac: Yeah, Bronson can't swim.

  Parker: Okay.

  Logan: Uh, do you have any idea how cold that water is?

  Parker: Please. I'm from Denver.

  Logan: Right. Which means you've never actually touched the Pacific Ocean.

  Parker: I thought you were some kind of surfing badass.

  Logan: Okay. But I have a wet suit in the car. Why don't we just grab that?

  Parker: We're in a race against time, Logan. We have no time for you to change out of your panties.

• Lamb: So, what, now I'm a jerk because I listened to a concerned citizen?

  Veronica: No, just 'cause.

  Sacks: Sheriff!

  Lamb: Does everyone need a piece of me this morning?

  Sacks: We got the results on the keyboard you wanted.

  Keith: You got prints off the dean's computer?

  Lamb: By all means, Sacks, tell me the forensics results in front of Neptune's favourite amateur crime-fighting duo.

  Sacks: I can't tell, Sheriff, are you being sarcastic—

  Lamb: Did you ID the prints or not, Sacks?

• Bronson: Well, hey, it's still third place.

  Mac: More like second loser.

• Bronson: And this is what you meant by "crash"? Mac: Oh. Yeah. I meant "bang." I got my onomatopoeias mixed up. Bronson: I don't think "bang" is the right word, either. Mac: Well, not when you're all sweet and tender about it. Bronson: I like being sweet to you. Mac: I'm really glad. Wait. Can I say something else, instead of that? Bronson: Oh. Uh, I like being sweet to you. Mac: Now all I got is..."thank you." Bronson: That's okay.

• Cliff: Mr. Batando? Brace yourself for the best free legal representation in Neptune county.

  Batando: Do I know you?

  Cliff: I've got one of those faces.

• Cliff: I'd like to remind my client that he is answering these questions only as a courtesy to the sheriff.

  Lamb: Is that it?

  Cliff: That's it for now.

  Lamb: Mr. Batando, where were you on the night of December 10th, approximately—

  Cliff: Hold on. It says here Mr. Batando was picked up at the laundromat on El Camino.

  Lamb: So?

  Cliff: Just pointing out that my client was taken into custody a hundred yards inside Santa Rita County. You don't have jurisdiction there. Any information you gather today will be inadmissible. I'm sure you know that. Do go on.

• Keith: My buddy in customs found footage of Josh crossing the border on a fake ID. Please tell me it's just a coincidence.

  Veronica: Dad—

  Keith: You want to give me plausible deniability? I suggest you remember to unplug the laminator next time.

• Mindy: I really don't understand why you had to drag me down here— Keith: I know. I'm a tough man to shake, Mrs. O'Dell. Mindy: What do you want, Keith? Keith: Sheriff Mars.