3.08 "Lord of the Pi's"

Aired Nov 21, 2000

Quotes

• Wilson: Your portfolio was still in the former editor's desk when I took over. I understand you two had some baggage, but that's irrelevant to me. I'll take a talented photographer where I can find one.

  Veronica: Great. Thanks.

  Wilson: You free tonight?

  Veronica: Um...to take photos?

  Wilson: Yes. It's why you're here. You know about the election?

  Veronica: The Board of Trustees is voting on a resolution to remove the Greek system from Hearst.

  Wilson: That's the one. Vote's tomorrow. Tonight there's a reception — that's university speak for "cocktail party" — for the Board of Trustees. We need art.

  Veronica: Yeah, I can shoot it.

  Wilson: Bonus points if you get the dean wearing a lampshade.

• Keith: Hey! You might want to stop yelling at my daughter.

  Logan: Yeah? You might want to start.

• Veronica: Mind if I take a quick shot for the Hearst Free Press?

  Dean O'Dell: Which one of my good sides do you want?

  Selma: I'm guessing the one without the trail of Thousand Island.

  Dean O'Dell: You should really be nice to me. I'm about to kiss your ass.

• Lamb: Foul play. You think? What makes you say so?

  Dean O'Dell: An extremely wealthy woman disappears in the middle of a reception held in her honor. Don't you find that, I don't know, odd?

  Lamb: Well, I mean, there's "odd" and there's "foul play." Rich ladies aren't the most reliable creatures.

  Dean O'Dell: Of course, she must have remembered her tennis lesson. How silly of her to forget. I don't suppose there's someone I can speak with who would take this seriously.

  Lamb: Dollars to donuts, you'll find her sobbing into a mojito at the club because she lost an earring.

  Dean O'Dell: Well, you'd be the donut expert. Excuse me.

• Veronica: Beer off your belly, hand out of your boxers. Put on some pants. I'm bringing home a visitor.

• Dean O'Dell: I've known this woman for almost twenty years. If there's a microphone and an audience, she's not going anywhere unless dragged.

  Keith: You talked to her husband?

  Dean O'Dell: He's terrified. I'm telling you, anyone who knows Selma knows something is seriously wrong. Look, the Sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches.

• Veronica: Hey, Fern. What up, girl?

  Fern: What do you want, Buffy...Tiffany...whatever your name is?

  Veronica: "The Female Voice in Celtic Literature." I am woman, hear me bore.

• Veronica: I heard you had a little chat with Selma Rose last night, right before she disappeared. Can I guess? She was contemplating a nose ring?

• Veronica: You know what's funny, and not like funny "ha ha"? A driving force in getting the Greeks kicked off campus — that's you — is the last person seen speaking to the trustee with the swing vote.

  Fern: You know what else is kind of funny? The girl who saved the Pi Sigs is apparently leading the charge to track down that swing vote.

• Brant: Mr. Mars. Sorry to keep you waiting. Keith: What is that? Is that a goldfish? Brant: It's a carp, a golden carp awarded— Please don't touch it.

• Sacks: Guess who's on the phone for you.

  Lamb: Someone who wants to sit on hold while you play stupid games?

  Sacks: Martina Vasquez.

  Lamb: Martina Vasquez? The hottie from Channel 9?

  Sacks: Said she had a few questions about Selma Rose's disappearance.

  Lamb: Put her through for me? Martina Vasquez. Miss Vasquez, what can I do for you? Well, I am here to help in absolutely any way that I can. By the way, I caught your most recent piece on, uh...the morning-after pill. It was...informative.

  Veronica: [exotic accent] Well, thank you, Sheriff, I'm glad you enjoyed it. We've learned that Selma Rose received a phone call before she went missing. Have you learned who the call was from yet?

  Lamb: Actually, Martina, we checked that out, and it was false information. There was no record of an incoming call that night.

  Veronica: You are sure?

  Lamb: Yeah, if you'd like, I can keep you in the loop with this sort of stuff.

  Keith: Hello?

  Veronica: [whispering, in normal voice] Dad, I'm on the phone.

  Keith: [shouting] Oh, sorry, honey! Let me know when you're off.

  Veronica: [returning to accent] Sheriff...you were saying you'd be able to keep me in the loop?

• Veronica: The Pi Sigs are doing their SexQuest again. Collecting points for conquests? Think that's such a good idea at a university with a serial rapist on the loose?

  Dick: You raise an uninteresting point. But, hey, don't worry your pretty head about your pal Dick. My points are in order, courtesy of Miss Bonnie Capistrano. Her curvature of the spine is hardly noticeable, but I still got the handicapped bonus.

  Veronica: You're repugnant, Dick.

  Dick: Seriously, you'd hardly notice it.

  Veronica: Ever stop to think that the Pi Sig's SexQuest might be connected to your Pi Sig president getting his head shaved, like it's a warning? Or retribution or something?

  Dick: Actually...that kind of makes sense. Okay, I'm so not supposed to be telling you this, but it's...way too good. So, not only did Chip get Kojaked, someone put a Roman numeral in one of those little plastic Easter eggs and stuck it in his where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is.

  Veronica: Worst Easter egg hunt ever.

  Dick: Not a banner day for Chip Diller. He had to get one of the brothers to help unpack his suitcase.

  Veronica: What was the number?

  Dick: What?

  Veronica: You said there was a Roman numeral in the Easter egg.

  Dick: You're missing the point. [Cockney accent] They put it up his bleedin' bum.

  Veronica: Which speaks to the number being significant, don't you think?

  Dick: I guess. I don't know what the number is. It wasn't a baby shower. We didn't all sit around waiting for him to open the egg so we could see what he got.

  Veronica: Do you know what he did with it?

  Dick: If it's not in his hope chest, I'm thinking he threw it out.

  Veronica: When is your garbage collected?

  Dick: And you think I'm "repungent."

  Veronica: Yes, Dick. Yes, I do.

• Fern: Why are you following me around?

  Veronica: Fulfilling my gym requirement. Yoga had a written final.

• Veronica: Just one more thing; when you stick an Easter egg in a frat boy's "out" door, do you kiss him first?

  Fern: Is that a riddle?

  Veronica: Poor Chip. You really wrecked him. ...Ba dum bum.

• Dick: What the hell, Bonnie? Bonnie: That's exactly what I was thinking. Another cute frat boy: what the hell? Dick: You realize you're worth, like, half the points now. You went from top shelf to bargain basement in, like, three seconds! Bonnie: It was more like the third-floor bathroom to the pinball machine in, like, 47 minutes. Veronica: She always gets a replay. Never tilts at all.

• Veronica: Aah. The incredible, inedible egg.

• Wallace: They glued "Travel Scrabble" tiles?

  Veronica: "CXI" and "CMIII."

  Wallace: Inside a plastic Easter egg and stuck it...

  Veronica: Halfway to China.

  Wallace: I'm never going on another Easter egg hunt again.

  Veronica: And I'm never playing Scrabble again.

• Hallie: You're blocking my sun.

  Veronica: Oh, is that yours? I'm so sorry.

• Hallie: God! What's with all the questions? What's next? Do you want to know where I buried Jimmy Hoffman?

  Veronica: Dustin's brother?

• Veronica: This is just like that time we went to Disneyland! If I have another altercation with Snow White and her disapproving dwarfs, you're taking Sneezy this time.

• Veronica: Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na!

• Veronica: The park is closed. The walrus out front should have told you. Keith: Honey, stealthy, remember? Veronica: Right! Sorry.

• Keith: This is my daughter, Veronica. She works with me...occasionally.

  Veronica: Ryan. Tatum. When he gets in a jam, I make with the cute.

• Selma: Have you ever been a walking punch line, Mr. Mars? I mean, on a national scale?

  Keith: Actually...

• Wallace: So the plan's in motion?

  Veronica: As we speak. We found the perfect eyewitness to the "kidnapping."

  Wallace: That's not me, is it?

  Veronica: Whatever happened to "winter, spring, summer, or fall; all I got to do is call, and you'll be there"?

• Dean O'Dell: I'm grateful for your help but a little surprised I didn't get a discount — repeat customer and all.

  Keith: I didn't charge you for the photocopies or the stamps.

  Dean O'Dell: Oh, that was nice.

• Hallie: I know you think I'm some kind of gold digger, but I love Budd.

  Veronica: And all of his beautiful money? Or is true love so blind you didn't notice he's an adulterer older than your father and confined to a wheelchair?

  Hallie: Budd Rose is more of a man than you could ever begin to handle.

  Veronica: Slow down, Anna Nicole. You're skeeving me out. And the fact is I don't care if he's Ron Jeremy on wheels.