2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough"

Aired Feb 08, 2006

Quotes

• Madison: J.B.? You need to relax with the Elmer's. Do I look like I enjoy being covered in white goo?

• Weevil: So, what? Only the kids playing with the scissors and the glue can talk?

  Ms. Hauser: Your student council is working very hard to raise money for your senior trip.

  Weevil: Their senior trip. The rest of us want to go to Magic Mountain.

  Madison: It's Catalina. And you're crazy. I am not spending my senior trip watching you hurl hot dog and orange drink off Batman: The Ride.

• J.B.: Better watch your back, Veronica.

  Veronica: Because you're going to crush me with hideous fake hills?

  J.B.: Uh, no, the Kane scholarship. I'm three one-thousandths of a point behind you.

  Veronica: Oooh.

• Ms. Hauser: What wonderful mountains, Madison!

  Madison: Thank you, Mrs. Hauser!

  Veronica: Oh, Madison, you have a little...

  Madison: What? Brown? Because I'm a brown-noser?

  Veronica: No. Glitter. Because you're a fairy princess!

• Dick: How lucky am I that I got Terrence Cook to sign that ball for me before he blew up my classmates. It's going to be worth so much more than that napkin O.J. signed for me at The Claim Jumper.

• Cora: Jackie! Jackie, hey! Wait up!

  Jackie: Sorry. I was distracted by the pitchforks and torches.

  Cora: So how are you?

  Jackie: I'm wondering if this counts as my fifteen minutes of fame. And if so, what does the child of an alleged murderer wear to winter carnival?

• Veronica: Slushies! Get your ice cold frozen...sugar water.

  Logan: You had me at "ice cold."

  Veronica: What's your poison?

  Logan: Oh, emotionally unavailable women. Let's see...uh, I want something that suits my mood.

  Veronica: Oooh, I'm sorry. We're all out of liquid evil.

  Logan: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.

  Veronica: Hot date?

  Logan: Raincheck?

• Logan: Oh, the rich. How they mock you. Veronica: There's a fifty dollar bill? Logan: Had them made special.

• Logan: The hoi polloi. They don't know what they want until I have it.

• Weevil: Okay, you want fifty balloons, or some popcorn and ice cream?

  Ophelia: Balloons.

  Weevil: You say that now, then it's "Oh, Uncle Eli, I'm so hungry!"

• Dick: I am so good at this game, bro. Logan: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

• Dick: Dude. Am I drunk?

  Logan: No, dude, you're just special.

  Dick: Why is the Beav all snuggly with that chick from Ghost World?

• Jackie: This school genuinely sucks.

  Veronica: True dat.

• Veronica: It's not a carnival until somebody shows butt cheek.

• Ms. Hauser: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money.

  Veronica: Is that a record?

• Ms. Hauser: Why are we standing here chatting? She should be searched.

  Veronica: It's a metal box, this big. Where exactly do you think I hid it?

• Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around. Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean, standing while black?

• Veronica: Nice backpack. You like the Powerpuff Girls, huh? Which one is this?

  Weevil: She's the one that's not shaped like a metal cash box.

• Terrence: The sheriff is using me as a scapegoat. And if there's anyone fit to take on the sheriff's department, it's you. I read your book, Mr. Mars. I, I couldn't put it down.

  Keith: Yeah, well, if you read it carefully you might remember the famous guy went to jail in the end of that one.

• Keith: In the spirit of full client/investigator disclosure, I'm not offering you this beer out of the goodness of my heart.

  Terrence: You're not?

  Keith: Nope. I'm fufilling a long-time fantasy of sharing a cold one with my favorite ball players. And after we're done, we're gonna play catch in the parking lot.

• Mac: So are we winning?

  Beaver: What?

  Mac: I feel like we're in a contest with all the other couples — who can hold hands longest.

• Dick: Wow. You guys are cute. Aren't they? Like gerbils. In love.

  Cassidy: Dickie, don't.

  Dick: Chill, Beav. I get to give the big brother speech here. Just lookin' out for you.

  Mac: You don't have to worry. He's fine.

  Dick: Yeah? Good hands? 'Cause, you gotta take it easy on my bro. If you're gonna pop his cherry, hold back a little.

  Cassidy: You're such an ass!

  Dick: Don't go bustin' out any tricks. Be gentle and sweet. You don't wanna spook him. Like right now, I know his hands are just dripping with sweat, and you are so completely grossed out. But you're hangin' in. I dig that. Oop! See how it just slipped right out? Gotta work on that, bro.

• Hannah: Hey! Logan: Hey. Sorry, did you want that? Hannah: No, I bought it for you. Logan: Oh, you are sweet.

• Logan: I couldn't help but notice that you are separated from the herd. I'm concerned, you know, predators and all that.

  Hannah: Well, I can take care of myself.

  Logan: Well, that's a shame.

• Hannah: Dude!

  Logan: Okay! Boy, it sounds so unnatural coming from you.

  Hannah: I say "dude" all the time.

  Logan: Nope, I don't buy it. No, you're like, I don't know, like the hot daughter of a king he marries off to get, like, Denmark or something.

  Hannah: You mean a princess.

  Logan: You know I'm only ever going to call you princess now.

  Hannah: No, you're not.

  Logan: Princess. I am.

• Logan: My friend Dick's workin' the slushie booth. We should go pay him a visit. He's all about the royals.

  Hannah: I can't. I'm here with my friends.

  Logan: Go tell 'em you want to play with me for a little while.

  Hannah: What makes you think I want to?

  Logan: What makes you think it's a good idea to pretend you don't?

• Ms. Hauser: Veronica Mars, you are just trouble. All caps, underlined, written in bold.

• J.B.: Even if you found money, there's really no way of proving that it's the stolen money.

  Ms. Hauser: Not a lot of people carry twelve grand on them.

  Dick: Uh, I never leave the house without at least thirteen.

  Weevil: Yeah. Me either.

• Logan: Look, just so you know, I take all my dates here. I don't want you to think you're special or anything. Hannah: Ah, this isn't a date. Logan: Um, I bought you a drink. And I won you a stuffed animal. Check your dictionary, princess. Hannah: I haven't had a date yet. I'm kind of holding out for something special. Logan: Wow, you are a princess.

• Dick: Oh, look at him. Have I taught him nothing? He's like some...neutered eunuch nerd drone.

• Cassidy: Bambi_Gasm.

  Mac: Of the Boston Gasms?

  Cassidy: One would hope.

• Weevil: Whoa, sorry. I can't let you frisk me. She's at an impressionable age.

• Veronica: Great news: you didn't steal the senior trip money.

  Jackie: Uh, good to know.

  Veronica: Hey, I'm about to watch Mrs. Hauser squirm in her own personal hell. If you're not doing anything...

• Veronica: Look who I found: Miss Trashy-Trash. We marked your words before, and I don't know if you know this, but they formed this, like, totally false accusation. I know. Yikes. I figured you might welcome the opportunity to apologize. Ms. Hauser: Youdidn'tstealthemoneyI'msorry. Veronica: Totally worth it.

• Veronica: I found this in the copy machine.

  Ms. Hauser: Where did you get this? This is my exam.

  Veronica: In. The. Copy. Machine. Am I still speaking English?

  Jackie: Mm-hm.

• J.B.: She's trying to sabotage me. I am like this close to beating her out for the Kane Scholarship. This is just like the stuff that she does. She planted it.

  Veronica: And for my next trick! I will take J.B. into the hallway, whisper a few magic words, and when we return, he'll confess.

  J.B.: Yeah. Yeah, that'll happen.

  Veronica: Don't oversell it, J.B. People will think you're a mark.

• J.B.: That still doesn't prove...

  Veronica: I'll bet if we check the copy machine log, it'll tell us that copies were made with Mrs. Hauser's code say...4:03, 4:04 P.M. Should I call them over?

  J.B.: You're bluffing. The copy machine can't do that.

  Veronica: Well, here's your choice. You can call my bluff, and we'll all find out exactly what the copy machine can do. Of course, if you choose that option, I'm posting this Tritons photo on your homepage. I've heard what happens to Tritons who reveal their secrets.

  J.B.: I don't have a homepage.

  Veronica: You will.

• J.B: I stole the test. Veronica: TA DAAAA!

• Veronica: This isn't a sweater. All right, cash! How'd you know?

• Veronica: Buck up, Maddie. Senior trip is back on, sister, six grand! We're Magic Mountain-bound! Oh, you know there's a ride called the Viper, right? Isn't that, like, your mothership?

• Dick: Madison. What you up to, girl? Feel like headin' to my car for a quickie?

  Madison: I've moved on to older men, Dick. Fewer quickies, more longies.

• Milf: The bad thing about thigh-highs. Dick: Yeah. There's nothing bad about thigh-highs. Milf: I'm waiting to pick up my daughter. Dick: You mean, your sister. Milf: I mean my stepdaughter. I tend to marry older men, then I mess around with the younger ones. Dick: Nice. Milf: You know, I, I have another half hour to kill. I get the feeling that you're fantastic at killing time.

• Dick: What the hell was that? What is that?

  Milf: What do you call yours?

• Veronica: Got a funny story for you. I call it "How Weevil got his new car."

  Weevil: Well, are there pictures? 'Cause I'm a little slow.

• Veronica: So when you rented The Thomas Crown Affair, McQueen, or Brosnan?

  Weevil: Is it your undying love for me, or just good old-fashioned lust?

  Veronica: ¿Que?

  Weevil: That kept you from turning me in.

  Veronica: Love. Of rollercoasters. And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates.