2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

Aired Nov 23, 2005

Quotes

• Meg: What does she have? What does she have that I ha— Veronica: Well, I'm conscious. And that's just for starters.

• Veronica: All I'm saying is, I followed him into the cigar shop, he bought some cigars, and he left.

  Logan: Didn't your dad say the cigar store is a front for drug dealers, I mean, that's gotta be something.

  Veronica: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

  Logan: I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at twenty to life.

  Veronica: Oh, you're being a jackass. Must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

  Logan: You find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

• Veronica: Did Duncan go to bed?

  Logan: Yes. And he wanted me to tell you to give me your undivided attention. Pretend for a moment that your dog's life is at stake.

• Wanna Score Boy: Hey, this is a two-hundred dollar shirt, man. Weevil: Really? It's missin' some buttons.

• Wanna Score Boy: Hey, come on, don't jerk me around. I paid one of you biker guys.

  Weevil: Oh yeah? Describe this biker guy you paid.

  Wanna Score Boy: I dunno, he was...you know. Brown.

• Weevil: Hey. Those are nice rims. You know, I was thinking about gettin' me some just like those.

• Veronica: Uh-uh, you're staying here. This takes a certain subtlety. But if I need anyone punched in the face, I'll whistle for you.

• Veronica: Danny Boyd?

  Danny: Yeah?

  Veronica: My name is Laurie Zacks.

  Danny: Oh, I don't need to know your name, honey, just...tell me you're eighteen.

  Veronica: Actually...

  Danny: Oh, who's kiddin' who. Like I care.

• Veronica: Uh, the reason I'm here—I was considering having Doctor Tom Griffith perform a, a surgical procedure on me and I'm one of those people who really likes to check a doctor out. Danny: Doctor Griffith, huh? He's a good man, but I wouldn't go getting too crazy, 'cause you don't need very much work done, you know, I mean, besides the obvious. Veronica: Yeah, thanks.

• Veronica: I noticed he was given a medical reprimand for a procedure he did on you, and I just wanted to see...

  Danny: He get in trouble for that?

  Veronica: I'm guessing it had to do with your face.

  Danny: Huh. You'd think, huh?

• Liam: You lie to me again and you really will need a good plastic surgeon.

• Logan: Hey! I've got 9-1-1 on the line, who can give me the address here? No one? Yeah, I've got one of those ankle monitors on, does that help? Yeah. The River Stix. There's blood everywhere.

• Keith: I'm sure those school administrators are a sinister and venal bunch, honey, but in my experience, most crime is personal. Not these, these weird conspiracies.

  Veronica: Well, in my experience, that is exactly what they want you to think.

• Keith: What? This is the third time I called this week. I sent the damn thing back to you guys two weeks ago! Look, I told the first person my name. Don't you talk to each other? You've got the serial number, you've got everything on those damn databanks! It's on the computer screen right in front of your face! It says WHAT? Oh. Sorry, my fault. Bye.

  Veronica: Why must you make the tech support people cry?

• Marcos: Ahoy, Mateys! Five-forty on your AM dial. Listen, or walk my enormous plank.

  Veronica: Oh, I get it.

  Mac: It's not all crotch-grabbing scatological man-humor. There's a little something for everyone.

  Veronica: Flatulent sound effects for me?

  Mac: And bitter tirades for me!

• Veronica: What's this four-week gap here? Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical. Veronica: Do you know why? Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew. So I stopped listening. Veronica: The show's still on? Mac: A bastardized sub-par version of the show's still on. Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from? Mac: Yes. ...Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. We can track the signal. Veronica: Wow. I'd be interested to know if you had the capabilities to track said signal. Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the Q to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically-assisted mystery solving? Costs. You wanna play find the crappy radio broadcast, momma's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

• Marcos: And here it comes, Imitation Crab.

  Crab: Arrr!

  Marcos: The winner of this week's cock...of the walk countdown.

  Crab: Don't leave 'em hanging, Cap'n.

  Marcos: It's Logan Echolls! That's forty weeks running. Rosemary's baby: the teen years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself too.

• Crab: Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showin' her cans for cash.

  Marcos: I'm saving up for that very day.

  Crab: Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free!

• Crab: Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard!

• Marcos: So it seems Taylor read the fine print on her abstinence pledge and found a few loop...something? Oh right, holes!

• Marcos: Duncan Kane. He can't be that rich and that pleasant without harbouring a dark secret. What do you think, Crab? Serial murderer? Puppy strangler?

  Veronica Voiceover: Girlfriend ignorer?

• Logan: Any news on Nip/Schmuck?

  Veronica: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

  Logan: Well, as far as I know I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

• Logan: If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want a bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

  Veronica: If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

  Logan: Help me, Mars-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

• Veronica: I'm feeling the calculating stare, but where's the villainous hand-wringing and maniacal laugh? Weevil: You know, you should be nicer to me. Veronica: Or you'll huff, and puff, and burn my house down?

• Veronica: Wait, what if nerd hunters drive by and tranq and tag me?

  Mac: That's a risk I'm willing to take.

• Felix: You know what I always wanted? My whole life? A bright yellow SUV for my surfboard and my snowboard. Bitchin'!

• Veronica: Excellent work as usual, Q. Mac: Right back at you, Mr. Bond. You've got a plan, right? Veronica: Ish.

• Veronica: I'm glad we caught you at home. Would you mind if we used your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry.

  Mac: Right.

• Clemmons: Son? Vincent!

  Vincent: Um...private basement time, remember?

• Mac: Um, Butters, you're blankie's blinking.

• Veronica: Well, did you ask him why? Vincent: Yeah. We got together for hot cocoa and cinnamon toast and talked all about his feelings. Mac: Oh! Like girls!

• Veronica Voiceover: Camp SelfQuest. Not to be mistaken for the elf-hunting camp of a similar name.

• Weevil: Is it done?

  Logan: Oh, it's just gettin' started, Weevs. You have no idea the hell you've just brought on yourself.

• Veronica: Fish sticks and chocolate milk, yuck. That can't be good for you.

  Vincent: Can you graduate already?

• Vincent: Marcos wasn't gay.

  Veronica: Sure about that?

  Vincent: Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. I mean, he wasn't a fairy, he was a playboy lovin' booty hound.

  Veronica: Do me a favor: never describe me.