2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner"

Aired Nov 16, 2005

Quotes

• Duncan: Veronica. You need to stop being The Dude. Veronica: Stoner bowler doesn't do it for you? Duncan: A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice. Veronica: These lips? I've had 'em for years, I can't do a thing with 'em.

• Logan: Where's my martini and why don't I smell pot roast? Hey, you're watching The Big Lebowski. Why didn't you wait for me?

• Logan: Seriously, though: I was reading Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide, and we should come up with, like, some kind of code word for when you guys are feeling frisky and, uh, don't want to be disturbed.

  Veronica: Like "scram"?

  Logan: I was thinking "awkward." But scram's good. Or "amscray."

• Logan: You're not my grilled cheese.

• Kendall: iPod girl with the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world. Veronica: Like this big.

• Logan: My code word will be...endurance.

• Duncan: Weren't we doin' something? Veronica: We were making out on the couch, and then that happened. Dick and Beav's stepmom just came over to have a go-around with your bunkmate. How does that not bother you? Duncan: 'Cause I'm a guy?

• Duncan: What? She's hot. Like that's news.

  Veronica: Well ass-slaps and high fives to Logan for bangin' a hot chick. Maybe she'll buy us beer.

  Duncan: I'd ask her, but I think she'll be in there for a while.

• Mr. Pope: Last week, Miss Mars was, as you kids call it, flush, with Mr. Casablancas breathing down her neck. Well, the worm has turned.

  Cassidy: Boo-yeah!

  Veronica: Nobody likes an eager beaver.

• Woody: This'd be more enjoyable if I were good at it.

• Woody: I promised a cleaner, safer Neptune. Want to know how I'm gonna get there? Incorporation. Turn our little county seat into a full-fledged city. Santa Barbara, Carmel, La Jolla, they all did it. Upped their tax base, turned that revenue into antique streetlamps, cobblestone streets, increased sanitation. I defy you to find graffiti in Carmel, Keith. It cannot be done. Here...

  Keith: What boundaries are we talking about?

  Woody: South to the marina, north to the airfield, east to the reservoir.

  Keith: That's not a town, Woody, that's a—that's a country club.

• Veronica: Hey, are you sick, or am I gonna see you singing "Twist and Shout" on a parade float? Call me.

• Logan: Hey, you remember when we, uh, made out against the sink and you had your legs around my waist? Veronica: Stop, you'll make me blush. Logan: Honestly, how much easier would your life be if you were indifferent to me? Veronica: So much, since I'm really struggling. What do you want?

• Logan: I thought maybe you could do a little sleuthing for old times' sake.

  Veronica: Really? Could I?

• Duncan: So basically, he's between seven and ten and his parents are psycho. That'll narrow it down.

• Duncan: I think they call it a part-time job. It's when you do this thing called work, and strangers pay you instead of the Allowance Fairy. Veronica: Ah, the Allowance Fairy. Elusive in Neptune outside the 09er zip.

• Veronica: Well, the Goodmans don't need a babysitter now that Gia's back, and the others I'll just have to convince to trust me with their children long enough for me to get a writing sample.

  Duncan: To compare to the book that Meg stole.

  Veronica: Yeah.

  Duncan: After we break into Meg's house.

  Veronica: Pretty much.

• Keith: Well, look who got an invite to the sheriff department's fundraiser slash bachelor auction. Veronica: Please say "Veronica Mars." Keith: Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can.

• Barry: Unfortunately, in light of recent events all of Dick's other assets have been frozen pending trial.

  Kendall: Trial? Um, the verdict's in: Dick's off drinking Mai Tais on some beach, probably being fanned by the local natives with hundred dollar bills. He's not coming back.

• Barry: As for the boys, Dick Junior and Cassidy each have a trust fund.

  Dick: Sweet.

  Barry: However, you're not eligible to withdraw from them until your twenty-first birthday.

  Dick: Dude, my twenty-first birthday's going to rock so hard. I love you, Daddy.

  Kendall: And? What about me?

  Barry: You don't have any separate accounts from Dick. He didn't put any property in your name.

  Kendall: I'm their mother. Can't I have some of their money?

• Ms. Hauser: STDs will kill you.

  Jane: Ah-choo!

  Ms. Hauser: Sexually transmitted diseases are no joke, Jane.

  Jane: I wasn't laughing, I sneezed.

  Ms. Hauser: See how much you're sneezing when you have gonorrhea!

• Ms. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

  Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but: no glove, no love.

• Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

  Ms. Hauser: No, Gia, chlamydia is not a flower.

  Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

  Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

• Mrs. Fuller: Oh, and there's a phone sheet on the refrigerator.

  Mr. Fuller: It has every number we could ever possibly be reached at, barring alien abduction.

• Veronica Voiceover: A ten year-old boy who voluntarily washes his hands, who enjoys quiet time, and does what he's told with a smile. If he doesn't pick his nose soon, I'm looking for wires.

• Duncan: Are you all right? Veronica: Yeah. It's just a really big bug. I'll call you back.

• Veronica: Your 9-1-1 caller, a.k.a. Tom Griffith, is Doctor Tom Griffith. He is a very expensive, well-respected plastic surgeon.

  Logan: I don't believe it. There are no respected plastic surgeons.

• Logan: That's not the guy from the bridge.

  Veronica: What are you talking about? You told the police you couldn't identify the guy, you said the whole night was a blur.

  Logan: I lied.

  Veronica: 'Course you did.

• Mr. Fuller: We have a standing dinner date with friends on Fridays. Saturdays, of course, I'm on the boat by myself if you ever want to come by, smoke a J, fool around. We usually do a day trip about once a month with my boss, if you don't mind working on a Sunday. Veronica: Um... Mr. Fuller: Oh, I almost forgot: Edwin drew this for you.

• Veronica Voiceover: Wallace, Wallace, Wallace. Wherefore art thou? I know that quote doesn't really work, but you get the point. Things that have changed in the nineteen hours since my last e-mail: I've grown four inches, changed my name to London, and have discovered that apparently I'm not the only love of Duncan's life. You really need to start answering my e-mails. This is a little too Doogie Howser's journal for me.

• Betina: When's the last time you had a lunch like this? Dick: When I was a Brady.

• Cassidy: So you'll help us?

  Betina: Well, I don't know, baby. It's a lot of money, but that's all there is. I mean, if you spend it all now there'll be nothing left for college or God forbid, an emergency. I have to think about your future.

  Cassidy: Yeah, well, maybe we could come live with you.

  Dick: Dude!

  Cassidy: Stop!

  Betina: Sweetheart, you know we spend most of the year in Europe.

  Cassidy: So? I like Europe.

• Veronica: No bark? Is it your day off?

• Veronica: Okay. Well, what do you feel like doing? I've got some games— Albert: I want ice cream. Veronica: Oh, your mom just said— Albert: I want ice cream! Veronica: I got that, however— Albert: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

• Ms. Hauser: Oh, look at that. And that's so unlike him to fall asleep.

  Veronica: I think he was bored.

• Logan's Answering Machine: It's Logan. "Life's tragedy is that we grow old too soon and wise too late." Ben Frankin.

  Veronica: The good news is, I'm perfect the way I am. The bad, your plastic surgeon is a mensch.

• Dick: Don't say I never gave you nothin'. Kendall: Well, it's not on fire. What is this? Dick: That's what you'll be wearing when you dust my armoire. My mother signed over our trust funds. Yeah, I guess she got used to life sans Dick and Beav, made sure we had enough coin to keep off her couch. Beaver's of course heartbroken. Me, I see it as a chance to bond with my new mom.

• Gia: You brought your sleeping bag, that's so cute!

  Veronica: Well, I like to have the option. Don't judge me for my Ninja Turtles.

• Veronica: Whoa, somebody likes their label maker. Gia: Yeah, at least we know where to find everything. Veronica Voiceover: Yes, like the anal psychos are located right about...here. Great. They kill their guests and steal their shoes. [Sound of laughter] Veronica Voiceover: Please tell me they kill their guests.

• Gia: I have a surprise for you. Don't peek!

  Veronica Voiceover: My spidey-sense is tingling. Something bad is happening.

  Gia: It's a girls' night!

• Kendall: That was perfect, baby. Oh, it feels so good to be with you, I just want to be with you all the time. Logan: Uh, bit of advice: when looking for a sugar daddy, at least pick the richest guy in the hotel suite. ...I'm sorry. Did that hurt your feeling? Kendall: I can't believe you just said that to me. Doesn't this mean anything to you? Logan: It does. It means I'm getting laid. And I owe your village a goat.

• Kendall: You know, you can joke all you want. I know we have a connection, Logan. You know, it may have just started off as sex, but over these past few months it's grown into something more.

  Logan: Wow. So, your feelings have grown as your available balance has shrunk. It's like science! One of the problems of sleeping with your stepson's friend: information tends to leak.

• Kendall: I don't know if you've noticed, but you have a pretty good situation for yourself here.

  Logan: Yeah.

  Kendall: You wanna go back to playing grab-ass with cheerleaders that have just mastered missionary? See ya. You want things to keep going the way they've been going, I'm gonna need a few things.

  Logan: I'm sorry, "see ya" was option A? Bessie: when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it.

  Kendall: Then what am I supposed to do?

  Logan: Frankly, my dear...you know the rest.

• Madison: You should put a tattoo right here so people will have something to look at. Girls: Oooooh. Veronica: Ah hah. So Gia, how are things with you and Dick? Madison: Dick? Like, my Dick?

• Dick: We came here for the panty raid!

  Girl: Oh, God.

  Dick: We're stayin' for Spin the Bottle!

  Girl: Woo!

  Girl: Yeah!

  Veronica: I'm outta here.

• Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trenchcoat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

  Veronica: Sorry, I drive now. And I'm not nine.

  Keith: You'll always be nine to me. Going on thirty.

• Veronica: Whoa. You two need to be alone? Keith: I know we had the smoking talk somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving. Veronica: Actually, I think it was more of a sentence—"Don't smoke"—and it was between the adventures of Pooh and Goodnight Moon. Keith: 'Splain.

• Veronica: No ski mask? Duncan: You said wear dark colors. Veronica: We're not breaking into a bank vault in a James Bond movie.

• Veronica: Well, after my brief stint with babysitting, I'm more than happy with the P.I. life. It's a sad state of affairs when I can't tell which kid is being locked in a closet because all the families are equally cuckoo.

• Logan: Poetry reading?

• Veronica: People suck.

• Mr. Manning: What are you doing? You can't do that. I'm the victim here. You have no right to just come into my house and start poking around.

  Lamb: It's funny: I heard my father give that exact speech once.