1.15 "Ruskie Business"

Aired Feb 22, 2005

Quotes

• Veronica: Your mom had fourteen credit cards in her name at the time of her disappearance. This is the only one that's been active: the no-limit platinum card.

  Logan: Be my mom's weapon of choice.

• Duncan: Don't be stingy with the glitter. Remember, it's an '80s dance.

• Meg: I think I have a secret admirer. Veronica: Oooh. [answers her phone] Hello? Hello? Oh, hi! Nice breathing. Yeah, just keeps getting better and better. Has your secret admirer been calling you all week and hanging up without speaking? Meg: No. Veronica: Hm. Lucky you.

• Meg: Caz is always flirting with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs.

• Veronica Voiceover: When I've had my fill of soulmates, glitter, and puppy love, I always find a private detective's office a refreshing change of pace....Nothing soothes the nausea, headache and occasional dizziness of a romance overdose like a glimpse of the aftermath. The custody battles, the affairs, and what I'm guessing is a trophy wife looking for her golden parachute.

• Katerina: Two years ago, I came here from Bratsk in Russia to meet this man.

  Veronica: Like a...mail-order bride thing?

  Katerina: Not mail, anymore. Internet. Um, we exchange message and, uh, I came to Chicago as his fiancée.

  Veronica: That's a...brave move.

  Katerina: Not if you've seen Bratsk.

• Veronica: How hard can it be to find an actor named Tom Cruz?

  Wallace: Tom Cruise? Not as good a private eye as I thought.

  Veronica: No, C-R-U...never mind. Okay, I'm hanging out. Hey, you're on the basketball team, right?

  Wallace: You obviously haven't seen us play. I am the basketball team.

  Veronica: Can you do something for me?

  Wallace: You just stopped hangin' out again.

• Wallace: What is it with you girls and your girly-girl drama? What are you now? A love detective? Veronica: Wallace, if you do this for me, we'll be best friends forever. Come on! Don't you want us to be BFF? Wallace: All right, all right. But next time we hang out, you gotta actually hang out.

• Veronica: Purple-faced monkey orchid. Native to the King Leopold range in the Australian Outback. My deduction? Your secret admirer is an aboriginal tribesman.

  Meg: Uh huh.

  Veronica: Who shops at Manny's Flower Hut.

  Meg: Aha. What are you doing?

  Veronica: In the detective business, we call this...a clue.

  Meg: What about the text messages?

  Veronica: I've got my best man on it.

• Wallace: About this secret mission.

  Veronica: Whatcha got?

  Wallace: A reputation as a jock-sniffer. You can B your own FF. I'm retired.

• Wallace: Damn. This dog is a freakshow. He oughta be in show biz.

  Veronica: You think that's some kind of a rare breed or something?

  Wallace: That, or a drunk dingo had a three-way with a ocelot and a porcupine.

• Wallace: How many cases you workin' on here, Rockford?

• Logan's Answering Machine: This is Logan with today's inspirational greeting. "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt. Leave a message.

• Logan: I'll just sit right here. 'Til my mother walks out of that elevator.

  Veronica Voiceover: As a plan, a bit low-concept for my taste, but Logan seems primed for a stakeout and I've got a pair of elusive Romeos to track down.

• Veronica: You maybe...remember who bought it? Manny: Yeah, yeah. Unusual order. Most kids order straight up, like roses and baby's breath. No damn imagination. But this kid, he, you know, he's thinkin' outside the box, you know? Veronica: I mean what he looked like. Manny: Ah, ha, yeah, right. He's not a bad lookin' kid. Kinda medium-size, you know. He's got that look. You know, that...look. You know. Veronica: What look? Manny: You know, kinda that, uh, high school kid look. Veronica: Okay. Uh, thanks a bunch, Manny.

• Wallace: Mexican hairless. What the point of havin' a dog if it's bald? What are you gonna pet? Skin?

  Veronica: Stay on task, Wallace.

• Veronica: She agreed to the daily rate, and we can always use the money. I mean, wouldn't it be cool to have glasses in the kitchen that didn't have the Hamburglar on them?

  Keith: Forget about the money.

  Veronica: I just thought it would be nice if, instead of breaking people up, we brought them together for once.

  Keith: Honey, we're private investigators, not the friggin' Love Boat.

• Keith: Who the hell names a dog "Steve"?

  Veronica: Tom Cruz?

  Keith: [sighs] Don't forget: you're a high school girl. Do some high school girl things now and then.

  Veronica: Relax, Dad. I'm cutting pictures of Ashton out of Teen People as we speak.

  Keith: You better be.

• Meg: I still don't understand what we're doing here. ...Uh huh. It all seems clearer now. Veronica: This is just business. Meg: Uh huh.

• Leo: Ms. Mars. You have something else to confess? Veronica: I'm just here for a little favor. What is that? Leo: Oh, we have this sketch artist up from San Diego. Figured I'd test him out. He's not bad. Veronica: I don't have horns. Leo: Yeah, I guess not. Memory really plays tricks on people. Karl: Hey, Veronica. Veronica: Hey, Karl. Karl: Long time, no see. What do you think? Veronica: Um, it's great. I finally feel "wanted."

• Leo: I don't know, Veronica.

  Veronica: Leo, there is a long and proud history of mutual back scratching between cops and private dicks.

  Leo: So when do you scratch my back?

  Veronica: Well, maybe I'll see you tonight when you and Sacks bust this party we're going to.

  Leo: I'm looking forward to it.

  Meg: Wow, Veronica. He totally wants to protect and serve you.

• Caz: Would you girls like a drink? Meg: Um...I'm fine. Caz: Yeah, you are super-fine.

• Martin: So, I see you got Caz's whole game recap, huh?

  Meg: Yeah, like all over me. Oh, no no no, I don't want to ruin your sweater.

  Martin: Oh, no, it's not mine. It's Caz's. Go crazy.

• Meg: Granted, I would look good on Caz's arm, but do you have anything available in sensitive or charming?

  Veronica: I can check in the back.

  Meg: Good.

  Veronica: Mm-hm. I'm so sorry, Meg, I have to run. Can you find a ride home?

  Meg: Yeah, I'll be fine.

  Veronica: No, you'll be super-fine.

• Receptionist: I'm sorry, but the lobby is reserved for hotel guests only. Logan: So book me a room, Jeeves. Bring me a room service menu while you're at it.

• Trina: Veronica, hey!

  Veronica: Hello, Trina.

  Trina: So, is the whole brat pack here? What is this, like prom night? You guys get a room here for some after party? Oh, hey...oh. I've been kinda outta the loop lately. Are you two —

  Logan: Stop! You shut up! You're wearing Mom's clothes? You're wearing Mom's hat?

  Trina: She was your mom, my stepmom. The lady who liked to parade through the house in a string bikini whenever I had a boy over.

  Logan: Yeah, well, to be fair, when didn't you have a boy over?

• Logan: Wow, we should get together and do this more often.

  Trina: Yeah, well, you're in luck. I'm heading home now. I guess some accountant finally cancelled Mom's cards.

  Logan: But if you're coming home, who will play Dead Hooker #2 on CSI this week? How will you get your attention fix?

  Trina: Maybe I can be the ring girl at one of your bum fights.

• Veronica: You're a prince, Leo.

  Leo: Yeah, I'm writin' that down.

• Yevgeni: Dasvidanya, Mr. Cruz. Keith: Oh! Prevyet! Leo: Put down your guns, now! Get your hands on your head! Get your hands on your head! "Prevyet"? Keith: It's Russian for "hi." I looked it up.

• Meg: Well? What do you think? Veronica: I look like Manila Whore Barbie.

• Meg: Wow. '80s fashion. Grody to the max.

  Veronica: Don't spaz. Weren't you totally stoked to go to this thing?

  Meg: For sure! I just didn't know the dance would be such a major couple-o-rama.

  Veronica: What happened to all the girl power? The "we don't need dates" resolve.

  Meg: Reality has set in. Forgive me, gal pal. I'm weak.

• Veronica Voiceover: Between getting fooled by the Russian bride and finding out Duncan has the hots for Meg, I've had my fill of surprises for tonight. J. Geils was right. Love stinks. You can dress it up with sequins and shoulder pads but one way or another you're just gonna end up alone at the spring dance strapped into uncomfortable underwear.

• Logan: I love the '80s! Leo: Heads up, Risky Business at 12 o'clock. Logan: Come on, everyone, let's Wang Chung tonight! What? Everybody Wang Chung tonight! Wang Chung or I'll kick your ass!

• Veronica: I cannot escape Tom Cruise.

• Trina: Logan, when did you stop wearing pants?

• Trina: Is that Kajagoogoo?

  Logan: There's no point in you goin' in there, Trina. Entertainment Tonight is not covering it.

  Trina: Bummer. Well, I guess I'll just drag your sorry little self home.

  Logan: As long as you let me puke in your car.

  Trina: Of course. Just like old times.

  Leo: Promising young man.

• Veronica: Are you gonna kiss me?

  Leo: I was thinkin' about it.