1.08 "Like a Virgin"

Aired Nov 23, 2004

Quotes

• Veronica: Can I get you some coffee? A donut? Baked good of some sort?

  Cliff: Aren't we pleasant. You're not going to try to sell me a raffle ticket, are you?

  Veronica: Close. I want you to get me onto death row to meet with Abel Koontz.

  Cliff: You crazy kids! The stuff you're into. Hula hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death row inmates...what's it gonna be next month?

• Cliff: Dershowitz, Cochrane, and Shapiro were offering up their limbs, and he comes here for representation. I failed criminal law and I still know that can't be good.

• Veronica: Sometimes people find it very difficult to say "no" to me.

• Veronica: Well, does this towel make me look fat?

• Meg: I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry. Veronica: No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.

• Meg: What'd you score?

  Cole: Uh...ninety-one.

  Dick: Dude. Snow White took it and scored an eighty-nine.

• Duncan: All right, Cole. Kissin' on the lips now.

  Cole: Ugh. Somebody describe second base to me? Tell me what it's like. Is it beautiful there?

• Veronica: Twenty seconds, baby. Wallace: You're this excited about the super featherweight crown. Veronica: I know, I'm usually so passive. But our bond grows stronger every day, He Who Has Satellite Dish.

• Veronica: Wow. You are thirty percent danger-loving, girl-touching rock star! Wallace: More like one point away from being cool. Veronica: Here. Happy now? Alicia: Wallace. Can I talk to you for a moment? Veronica: That had to be worth at least two points.

• Wallace: That's crazy. You could go on here and buy anyone's test?

  Veronica: I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda can't wait for school tomorrow.

• Veronica: Meg, you're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We'll clear your name and make somebody pay.

  Meg: Really?

  Veronica: Unless there's a fairy godmother already on it.

• Veronica: Is there any way to convert cipher text to plain text without initial knowledge of the crypto-algorithms?

  Teacher: Excuse me?

  Veronica: I'm trying to figure out how someone could have overridden the control framework on the school server in order to access everyone's password. Can you help me?

  Teacher: Yeah, uh, in real life, I'm actually a gym teacher.

• Mac: I don't know why I bother locking it in the first place. It barely runs. Mostly I just keep it around for status. Veronica: Fo' shizzle. Check out the LeBaron. Mac: Stylin'!

• Wallace: Why are you holding your hands like that? Veronica: So that one day in your memoirs, you'll describe me as "inscrutable." Wallace: I was leaning more towards "bonkers." Veronica: I'll take what I can get.

• Veronica: She won't mind, I promise. We're like total BFFs.

  René: I...don't know what that means.

• Veronica: Life is so not a cabaret. Meg: I can't take this. This is too much. Everyone thinks I'm the biggest slut in school. Veronica: We...well, second biggest.

• Veronica Voiceover: I admit it, I splurged and spent ten bucks to read my own purity test. Apparently I've pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.

• Veronica: My old password was gj7b!x.

  René: Well, try and make this one a little big tougher.

• Wallace: I just about murked my mom's crazy no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.

  Veronica: That guy's sleazy, so I hope "murked" means something bad.

• Mrs. Murphy: Veronica. You seem to be in a sharing mood. Why don't you tell us your position on this?

  Dick: All fours?

• Duncan: So now it comes out: Meg was one of those Britney Spears virgins, huh?

• Cole: Meg always said you were immature.

  Lizzie: Funny. According to her purity test, you were always premature.

• Keith: I didn't want to overstep.

  Veronica: Overstepping is your main form of transportation.

• Wallace: My mom thinks I'm staying at Norman's house.

  Veronica: Who's Norman?

  Wallace: Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, Eagle Scout, mama's boy friend.

  Veronica: He sounds boring for an imaginary friend.

  Wallace: Mom seems to like him.

• Mac: You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are, just...different way.

• Veronica: Am I naked? Because in my nightmares I'm usually naked.

• Veronica Voiceover: And while there's nothing more satisfying than solving a case, there's something seedy in being the interruptus in someone else's coitus.

• Veronica: Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off?

• Veronica Voiceover: Note to self — cue tape for client.

• Veronica Voiceover: "All fours," huh, Dick? You mess with the bull...

• Veronica: Funny. No one's come running up to me.

  Meg: It's because people are afraid of you.

  Veronica: Then something's working.

• Duncan: Wait, you don't have VD? 'Cause I keep gettin' this thing on my lip and I'm not sure who I could've gotten it from....

• Alicia: The fact that you helped me, even though I was awful to you...you're a very decent man.

  Keith: Yeah, I'd like to think that, but really I just like tossing people out. It's kind of a hobby.

  Alicia: I don't know if you've heard some of the things they say about you....

  Keith: Oh, I know, trust me. I barely let me socialize with myself. I'm a bad influence.

• Veronica Voiceover: They say the truth will set you free, and I'm looking for the truth in a maximum-security prison. Don't worry: the irony isn't lost with me.