2.15 "The Quick and the Wed"

Aired Mar 22, 2006

Quotes

• Keith: Veronica, are you absolutely sure what you saw in that hangar were explosives?

  Veronica: And detonators. Pretty sure. They were marked "C-4." Maybe Terrence has a legitimate use for them.

  Keith: Trout fishing?

• Lamb: Come again?

  Keith: Explosives. They're in the hangar where Terrence keeps his cars.

  Lamb: Your Terrence? The same Terrence who had nothing to do with the bus crash, who couldn't possibly have made the call that detonated the bomb?

  Keith: Veronica saw them first-hand.

  Lamb: Oh, well, if Veronica saw them. I mean that's like Moses bringing tablets down the mountain to me.

  Keith: Why don't you get a search warrant, Sheriff, and see for yourself.

  Lamb: Could take a while. Judge Carleton's fly fishing at Big Horn. Unless you've got a canoe.

• Logan: Switch it. Dick: Dude, you kidding? Don't you wanna see how it ends?

• Dick: Dude, your dad's really leaned out in the big house. Probably all those tossed salads, huh?

• Maggie: The Manns are, like, the oldest money in Neptune.

  Veronica: You mean like from the '80s? Please tell me they invented the fishnet muscle shirt.

• Maggie: Next time, please hold the mike in your right hand, because you nearly blinded the audience with your rock. Veronica: Wow. Somebody parked a diamond Volkswagen on your finger. Maggie: It's ours! We wants it!

• Veronica: I have to say, we don't get that many bachelorette parties at the Hut. Heidi: This is just the first stop of the no-holds-barred bacchanalia. Jane: It's a bachelorette scavenger hunt. Veronica: "One: sing slutty song publicly. Two: talk a man out of his underwear." Heidi: Done and done.

• Veronica: Alrighty then, well if you wind up getting to number eight, be sure and bring mouthwash.

• Lamb: Oh, you lookie-loos, with your police-band radios and free time. Keith: What'd you find? Lamb: All right, people, back it on up, nothing to see here. Keith: Is that C-4? Did the bomb squad confirm it? Lamb: Sir, this is a police matter. You'll have to wait for the press conference like everyone else.

• Veronica: Hey, party-girl.

  Jane: I need your help.

  Veronica: Let me guess, the pin-the-penis-on-the-fireman game ended in tears?

• Jane: Here's the thing: my sister's great, but she's—

  Wallace: She's kind of a dingbat sometimes. ...What? The last time we all went to the beach, Heidi almost drowned herself trying to swim with the dolphins.

• Veronica: Aren't they gonna miss her? I mean, doesn't she have wedding stuff to do?

  Jane: There's a wedding planner, and Paul's parents are pretty much doing everything else.

  Wallace: Well, what about the rehearsal dinner? You thinking a stunt double?

• Logan: So you want me to come over after school?

  Hannah: The words out of your mouth are "come over," but all I hear you saying is "Let's have sex."

  Logan: Excuse me? All I heard you say is "Let's have sex."

• Veronica: Toying with a sweet little girl's heart just to screw with her dad? I get it, San Quentin isn't quite as enticing as, say, college, but damn, you've really plumbed new depths, Logan.

  Logan: You're cute when you're jealous.

• Jane: Be it ever so disgusting, there's no place like Heidi's.

  Veronica: Okay, her apartment being ransacked, not a good sign.

  Jane: It's okay, this is how it always looks.

• Kendall: I did hear the Kane house is going up for sale. Cassidy: That's the wrong side of town. The deals are all south. Kendall: I think we should buy it. Cassidy: What have I told you about thinking? Kendall: That it makes my breasts smaller?

• Kendall: Have you ever considered that maybe I'm the clever one? That this delightful packaging is a means to outwitting my adversary?

  Cassidy: Consider it? I'm banking on it.

  Kendall: But have you considered that, um, you're my adversary?

• Cliff: And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the Tinseltown Diaries? Jurors love convicting smug rich boys, it's a fact. I've asked around and, I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

• Logan: No deal.

  Cliff: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

• Veronica: Let's not freak out until there's something concrete to freak out about.

  Wallace: You mean like finding her car abandoned in the middle of nowhere?

  Veronica: Yeah, like that.

• Wallace: So, what did the Sheriff's Department say?

  Veronica: Nothing that inspires confidence. The deputy started laughing when he heard that the missing person was at a bachelorette party.

• Detailer: I have a standing contract with Terrence. That man loves his cars. I detail every one of them, once a month. You know, he used to have over forty, but ah, I guess things got tough. He's down to eight.

• Veronica: I had the printers forgo the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting.

  Jane: I don't know how helpful I'm gonna be; I didn't really get a good look at the guy. It was dark and loud and there were condom balloons hitting my head.

• Aaron: So, to what do I owe the pleasure? Kendall: I'm here to tempt you, Aaron. Aaron: Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say, "With what?" Kendall: Huge tracts of land, more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece. Aaron: So, I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh? Kendall: My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that uh, he might be working abroad.

• Aaron: You're cash-strapped. No, I get it. I can help. But...quid pro quo, Mrs. C., quid pro quo.

• Hannah: What's wrong, you?

  Logan: What? Nothing.

  Hannah: You lie. Easy Rider. Your choice, not mine. I should be the one sulking.

• Ms. Denenberg: Bum fights?

  Hannah: Okay, that was a long time ago. God, you're so judgmental.

  Ms. Denenberg: I know. I'm awful. What kind of mother would prohibit her daughter from dating a boy who's awaiting trial for manslaughter?

  Hannah: Almost all parenting books eschew the use of sarcasm with adolescents so, you know.

• Veronica Voiceover: The One-Eyed Ducks, perennial champs, lane five. That guy's too big. That guy's too small. That guy's...not a guy, just in desperate need of a stylist. That guy looks just right. Vinnie: Yes! What did I tell you? What did I tell you?

• Vinnie: Come on, have a beer. We'll let you roll a frame.

  Veronica: Vinnie, this is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. What can you tell me about--

  Vinnie: Nothing.

  Veronica: Of course, your Pavlovian response. Her name was Heidi Kuhne.

  Vinnie: Doesn't ring a bell.

• Veronica: Let me jog your memory: you were thrown out of the Happy Horseshoe the other night for stalking her.

  Vinnie: If I had a dime for every time I was thrown out of H squared for stalking...

  Veronica: What was it? A little prenup background check?

  Vinnie: Well if you already know.

  Veronica: She's missing.

  Vinnie: Are you suggesting I kidnapped her? 'Cause, I believe that's your racket.

• Hannah: You heard what my mom said, didn't you?

  Logan: Yeah, I got the gist.

  Hannah: Just ignore her. She's bitter about the divorce. She thinks all men are evil.

  Logan: Well, maybe she's right.

  Hannah: What, about men?

  Logan: About me.

  Hannah: Let's get out of here, go to your place.

  Logan: Well, I know the words coming out of your mouth are "go to your place," but all I hear is "Let's have sex."

• Keith: Lamb, I've been trying to get a hold of you.

  Lamb: And I've been ducking your calls. Man, that feels good to get off my chest.

• Mr. Pope: If you read this morning's paper, then you probably already know that tracking polls indicate there's fifty-seven percent support for Neptune's incorporation. Question: what's that gonna do to us here?

  Cassidy: Ah, an actual police department.

  Mr. Pope: Mm-hmm.

  Dick: Private beaches.

  Veronica: The rich get richer.

  Mr. Pope: All right, let's stop there. All those are true, but let's not just focus on the potential upside.

• Heidi: My family hired you to track me down?

  Veronica: Actually, Jane did.

  Heidi: You're twelve.

  Veronica: I'm eighteen.

  Heidi: You're a barista.

  Veronica: I'm a— Fine, I'm a barista.

• Paul: Where have you been?

  Heidi: Oh, we have a whole lifetime for stories. Let's do this thing. Lay it on me, Preacher Man.

  Paul: No, I-I demand to know what you've been up to.

  Heidi: I didn't ask you what you were doing for your bachelor party. And after finding whipped cream in your underwear, I think I was entitled.

  Paul: You were entitled, you. The one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have got a nipple pierced.

  Heidi: How could you say that to me? Like I would ever sex up a drummer. Lead singers, yes, maybe the occasional guitar player.

• Kendall: And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.

  Logan: I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.

  Kendall: I told you. It's my job.

  Logan: And that must be the second sign of the apocalypse.

• Vinnie: I don't believe this.

  Veronica: If it isn't the puppet master.

  Vinnie: Hey, what a man does in the privacy of his own home, office, and/or car, is his business. You know, you cost me a five grand bonus.

  Veronica: You were gonna buy a new jacket?

  Vinnie: And give up the cheap women? Not likely.

• Veronica: Give it.

  Vinnie: What?

  Veronica: Kim's cellphone. I called you, left a threatening message.

  Vinnie: You didn't get it from me.

  Veronica: Exactly how many times have you had to say that in your life?

• Veronica: You know what's really disturbing about you? Other than everything? You're a halfway decent private investigator.

  Vinnie: Stop, you're embarrassing me.

  Veronica: You can embarrass the shameless?