Who's Who of Veronica Mars

13ghosts

Band. How they fit into the Maria Taylor/Kim Taylor bill, we're unsure, given that they're five dudes. Aha, Maria sings on one of their songs! Indie music takes care of its own, man. They round out an advertised night of Southern rock in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

25

Lab rat monkey. His was destined to be a short life, filled with experimental pills, lab tests, and ending in an autopsy performed to determine the effectiveness of said pills. But his charming personality and alleged ability to play "Chopsticks" let 25 be put in the Animal Witness Protection Program as Oscar, destined to live a long full life filled with squeaky toys and an adoring scientist. Good thing Veronica has a soft spot for animals in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-funky-donut

2400

Either a spin-off of The 4400 in real-time format, or more likely, the impressive SAT score and nickname of a student. One of the secret conspirators of the Castle foolishly reveals one of the other pledges when addressing Wallace by this nickname. This gives Veronica Mars the unique opportunity to follow "2400" to the secret society's extremely secretive headquarters and unmask their slightly hobolicious head honcho. (No offense, Jake, but the last few years really haven't been kind on you. Must be karma.) 2400 proves to be the key to the Castle in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-grimsqueaker

22679088

The anonymous person who sent Woody Goodman an email saying "Kill incorporation or else" and an audio file of Marcos Oliveres and Peter Ferrer saying that Woody was a pedophile. Who was the anonymous person? Was it Lucky? Perhaps we can discern some clues from those numbers. Let's see.... Twenty-two is an important number in numerology. There are 22 letters in the Hebrew alphabet and 22 Major Arcana in Tarot. Plus, it's only one number off from 23, an important number in Discordianism. Sixty-seven is an irregular and lucky prime number and also the atomic number of holmium. Ninety is a unitary perfect number and a pronic number and also the code for international direct dial to Turkey. Eighty-eight is a palindromic, a primitive semiperfect, and untouchable number and also the number of constellations in the sky. It's also a code for Heil Hitler (H being the 8th letter of the alphabet) and the amount of miles per hour the deLorean in Back to the Future had to get to to travel in time. What does this say about the anonymous sender of the email? That he likes numerology, math, holmium, turkey, constellations, Michael J. Fox, and is a Nazi? Well, okay, probably not. It probably means we just have a lot of time on our hands. These numbers (unlike Lost's) don't mean a thing in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator

Aaron Echolls Action Figure

According to Veronica Mars, you probably own it. Action figures have come a long way since G.I. Joe was marketed to boys as such (as heaven forbid that they would want to play with dolls). Then came Star Wars, and a symbiotic and very successful partnership was born. If Logan's dad makes twenty million a picture, it's odds on that at least one of them spawned an action figure, much as the man himself spawned his obnoxious son who is, uh, obnoxious in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.06 1.01
Joseph Abbott
See Abbott, Joseph
Abraham

Biblical patriach and champion heterosexual. Camp SelfQuest cites the time God said to Abraham, "Smite me some queers." More or less. I may have been listening to too much Bob Dylan. There's another sinner going unsmoten in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Guy Abruti
See Abruti, Guy
Action

One of the Jet gang members in West Side Story. As Neptune goes nuclear with the 09ers and the bikers at each other's throats, Duncan and Logan go Broadway to snark at each other. Maybe they both need to remember what Riff told the explosive Action: "Boy, boy, crazy boy, get cool, boy! Got a rocket in your pocket, keep coolly cool, boy! Don't get hot, 'cause man, you got some high times ahead. Take it slow, and Daddy-O, you can live it up and die in bed!" Funny that it's Duncan who is christened Action in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."

-Inigo

Adam

Fireman, as is his friend, Eddie. Adam Horowitz, friend of creator Rob Thomas, was the inspiration, but that was before he became a writer on Lost and refused to make the show suck to dislodge its stranglehold on the ratings. Like a real friend would do. As for our fireman, we never get a clear shot of his face, but who needs a face when your tush looks so good in short shorts. Lust away, ladies. He is in action in 1.01 "Pilot."

-wyk

Adam #2

Student at Neptune High. With Justin and Owen, he ranks the female population of the school. He lusts for Sarah Kramer. She is sooo out of his league, however good his olfactory faculties. His nose twitches in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Played by Andrew Levy.
Adam #3

The first man in the Bible. He fell victim to his wife's nagging ("Try the fruit, honey! Try the fruit!") and his own male ego ("God ain't got nothin' on me!"). He made nakedness naughty but nice ("Bring me my fig leaf now, woman! What do you mean, where'd I hide yours?"). He's to blame for humanity's downfall, according to Judeo-Christian tradition. The poster on the Hearst College wall agrees in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff," and Veronica and Piz probably wish he'd left that apple alone in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo, topanga

All bios: 3.20 2.16
Ansel Adams
See Adams, Ansel
Adrianna

Big-mouthed college friend of Lianne's. Lianne stayed with her for a while, until fear of Keith and of her friend's inability to keep a secret made her run again. Veronica was too late to find her mother, but not too late to hear Adrianna's platitudes in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Played by Michelle Fabiano.
AJ

Somebody who will see Wallace later, according to Wallace's whiteboard. Presumably not Andrew Jackson, because he's dead, or Angelina Jolie, although Wallace probably wishes it was her in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Al

The uncle of Mr. Pasqual, who now resides in a retirement home in Waikiki. If this were a Shakespearean play, we would say something like, "Prithee, nuncle, tell me whether a retirement home make ye gentleman or a yeoman." But since this is not, we won't. Keith finds Al underneath a donut in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Alan

Stuttering gambler and struggling artist. Alan may not be able to say the first word of any sentence without making several abortive attempts at it, but he does know how to sell his own football team down the river for the riches it will bring. The anything-challenged and creative poor are not normally the types who are ignoble on TV shows. So hats off to Veronica Mars for giving us such an unsympathetic, opportunistic villain in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Played by Jeremiah Lorenz.
Buzz Aldrin
See Aldrin, Buzz
Thomas Alexander
See Alexander, Thomas
Henri Alfandari
See Alfandari, Henri
Muhammad Ali
See Ali, Muhammad
Alkaline Trio

Pop punk band. As you might guess, this band has three members. Each member has a pH greater than 7, with a maximum of 14. If each member is as basic as can be, then they represent a combined alkalinity of 42! Could the songs of this Chicago punk outfit be the answer to the great question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? Or are they too concerned with death, as implied by the skull on their poster seen in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes"?

-Polter-Cow

Joe Allen
See Allen, Joe
Steven Aller
See Aller, Steven
Allowance Fairy

That bastion of childlike hope, the Allowance Fairy feeds on the dreams and aspirations of little kids and spits out fifty bucks every week. In Neptune, she rarely visits non-09er kids, sending her cousin the Minimum Wage Fairy instead. Her trade secrets are revealed by Veronica in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Amber

A Veronica alias. Yes, she is a blonde, but don't let the ditzy voice fool you; beneath those curls and killer red sweater lies one of the sharpest minds in the P.I. biz. Veronica uses Amber to investigate the dirty dealings of a trust fund kid who emails strangers for money in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo, wyk

Amber #2

Victim of libel. Amber is most certainly a wonderful, sweet, and kind person. She probably helps little old ladies to cross the street and rescues kittens from trees. The fact that there are rumors impugning her good name is just another sign of the corruption of Neptune and will no doubt tie into the major mysteries of the year! Or maybe she just stole someone's boyfriend. Either way it's doubtful that Amber was informed of her status as a bitch since her none-too-bright enemy scratched this missive into the door of Cassidy's car instead of Amber's in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-public displays of lust

Martin Amis
See Amis, Martin
Anchor Person

She reads the news
with much enthus-
iasm and much amuse-
ment by showing views
of My Pretty Pony
while Desmond Fellows drinks booze.
Don't confuse
her with this lose-
r in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes Blues."

-alliterator

Played by Lee Ann Kim.
Anchor Woman

Anchors the Channel 9 newscast and reports Tim Foyle's confession of murder. She's obviously good at her job since she's able to refrain from rolling her eyes at the "T.A. Foiled" headline under Tim's picture. They must teach that kind of restraint in journalism school in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Tamika Katon-Donegal.
Duane Anders
See Anders, Duane
James Anderson
See Anderson, James
Andre

Artist with magic hands; also, partner of Sarah Williams. He likes nudes. And strange arty things. And nudes in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Played by Adam Kaufman.
Dr. Andriotti
See Andriotti, Dr.
Andy

Snitch, co-worker, law enforcement...who knows? He gives Keith a tip on a bail jumper that leads to a Mars feast of meat. An all-round good guy, Andy gave the soon-to-be-fatter bounty hunter the skinny in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Angel

Dumb and tortured vampire with a soul who...oh, wrong show. This one is no angel, but he is Weevil's uncle and has a body shop on the highway. Whether or not he'll ever give Veronica a full-service treatment remains to be seen. Angel was only mentioned in 1.01 "Pilot" but is seen in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.05 1.01
Played by Hector Atreyu Ruiz.
Angela

One of the frequenters of Mercer's Hearst College casino. She plays Texas Hold 'Em poker. She may or may not know when to fold 'em, but she knows a thing or two about how to fold her clothes, gaining a compliment on her wardrobe from that Bugsy Siegel wannabe in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Angela #2

Administrative assistant neither seen nor heard. What if Dean Cyrus O'Dell's lackey is Angela Lansbury? Taste the awesome. She and Veronica could super-sleuth together. But for now, she settles for answering the intercom in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-bethgee

Angela #3

Bank teller. The lone obstacle between Josh Barry and his small fortune in rare coins, Angela quickly accepts Josh's fake ID and lets him examine his safety deposit box in privacy. If by "privacy" you mean a room full of enormous windows. Angela is fairly clueless in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-bethgee

Played by Marcy Goldman.
Angie's Friend

The perfect audience, she approves of Angie's fraudulent tendencies and otherwise giggles a lot in 2.18 "I Am God."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Brigitte Graham.
Anna

Veronica alias. Veronica uses this name to track down the last person called from a cell phone, pretending to work for the radio station KRAC in order to get an address. Veronica promises, but does not deliver, an iPod and a K-RACing good time in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-funky-donut

Anna Grace

Mindy's boat. It calls for a song: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from the Neptune port, aboard this tiny ship. The boat she was called the Anna Grace, the owner cute as heck. A widow, she set sail that day, with a big pay-out check, a fat juicy check... The lover started getting rough, thought he was double-crossed. They fought on the decking of the Anna Grace — the widow, she was lost; the widow, she was lost. The boat moored up off the shore of this romantic beachside bar, where Hemingway, known as Papa too, would drink away all his woes. The lover, drunk, confessed his crime to Sheriff Mars, here near Hemingway's bar. So this is the tale of the Anna Grace, the lovers now has-beens. They couldn't make the best of things in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Little Orphan Annie
See Annie, Little Orphan
Anon19982

One of the names Tommy "Lucky" Dohanic used to email Woody Goodman. Anon seems to get around a lot — authors a number of famous poems, controversial letters in the newspaper and thousands of Valentine's Day cards each year. Perhaps Lucky was trying to be original here, but I think it fell flat in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-fickledame

AnonCuda411

Anonymous Person. Or is he? He responds to Veronica's ad in the Neptune Navigator about a green Barracuda, and all he seems to care about is getting the reward money deposited into his PayPal account. Turns out Mr. Anon might not be a random alcoholic or a compulsive gambler after all, but he could be Billy Greene, a PCH-er and brother of the grieving dog owner. Anon tries to a pull a fast one on Veronica in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-topanga

Ansel Adams

See Adams, Ansel

-Inigo

Apache

Much-loved dog of Harry Greene. He met an unfortunate end when he was run over by Liam Fitzpatrick. He's no Lassie yet, but that is quite a claim to fame. Perhaps it's a lucky escape from being mistakenly skewered by his archery-enthusiast owner in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-fickledame

Miranda Apfel
See Apfel, Miranda
Mrs. Applebaum
See Applebaum, Mrs.
Derek Applegate
See Applegate, Derek
Ned Applegate
See Applegate, Ned
The Aquabats

Ska band! They purport to be superheroes from the island Aquabania! All of their album and song titles end in exclamation points! They're still popular after more than a decade! That is why you can see their poster on the KRFF wall in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer"!

-Polter-Cow

The Archer

The centaur bowman that decorates the back of a dorm room door. It's no coincidence that the resident of that dorm looks like a throwback to the days of New Kids on the Block. The fine print on the poster reads:
I'm Moe, and I'm a Sagittarius
And I really, really wanna be used by only you
And I want you to only use me too.
And if this is the way it's gotta be, boy, then check me out
I wanna be used by you, Mercer

The significance is revealed in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-Inigo

Humberto Arcila
See Arcila, Humberto
Ed Argent
See Argent, Ed
Arianna

Neptune High student and animal rights activist. Supercilious, condescending and closed-minded, she leads the Students Against Animal Cruelty. Are her espoused principles genuinely felt or is she simply trying to ensure she has the monopoly on cow hide? From her dominatrix ways, we reckon there's leather next to that skin, waiting to be revealed in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Paityn James.
Ms. Armand
See Armand, Ms.
Lance Armstrong
See Armstrong, Lance
Arnold

Competes for quality time with Desmond Fellows in a My Pretty Pony trivia battle. He may have been able to pull a few facts out of his cargo shorts, and we're sure his KRFF T-shirt nabbed a few brownie points, but Arnold never stood a chance against our favorite audiophile, Piz. Arnold talks to the hand, and we resist shouting "Move it, football head!" in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Alex

Played by Jason Weissbrod.
Artez
See Artez,
Mrs. Arthur
See Arthur, Mrs.
Jack Artman
See Artman, Jack
Arturo
 
Ashley

A name on Parker's whiteboard. Is she Ashley Banks? Ashley Wilkes? Ashley Simpson? Ash from Evil Dead? Well, probably not that last one, though it would be cool. Veronica's definitely got that "good, bad, I'm the girl with the gun" vibe in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-alliterator

Ashley #2

Hearst student. She has some SERIOUS matters to discuss with W. These matters appear to be SERIOUS in a HELA fashion. While one may first think that Ashley simply did not have time to add one more L to her HELLA, we suspect that she was referring to the HeLa cell line. She's probably working in one of those labs without monkeys, and she needs Wallace to change her media. Wallace, my lad, don't forget to add the glutamine in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow

Assistant

Working for the Vice-Principal. Her important contribution to this particular story is telling Clemmons that there is a husky-voiced impostor assistant district supervisor on the phone, but this she accomplishes with fervor in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Alicia Cole.
Assistant #2

The assistant to Clarence Wiedman, Jr.. Does this make her an assistant to an assassin? Anyway, Veronica plays a prank on her by telling her that her car is being towed. She's a poor nameless assistant in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Played by Erin Cronican.
Assistant #3

Secretary to Bill Lee. San Diego's leading ensemble theatre, Lamb's (hee) Players Theatre, provides the actress who gets to tell Woody's lawyer that Woody's daughter "Gia" wants him to call her on her cell, whereby Keith used that call to track the suspected pedophile. Jennifer, who no doubt got the gig due to a last name that stands proud in the minds of the makers of VM, makes what she can of a three-second appearance in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

Played by Jennifer Austin.
Astrid
 
Robert Atkins
See Atkins, Robert
Atom Ant

Cartoon member of the Formicidae family. With the catchphrase "up and at 'em, Atom Ant," this superhero would use his fabulous strength and flying skills whilst his Saturday morning co-star, Secret Squirrel, would dig out truths with his pre-Inspector Gadget gadgets and snooping nature. Keith must see a little of the former in his skills-of- the-latter-blessed daughter. Why else would he so instruct her to rise and conquer in 1.01 "Pilot"?

-Inigo

Aubrey

One of the Ladies of the Evening who advertises "A Night or Two?" How about a week or two? She'll stay the summer through, but she's telling you that she must be...well, what's the opposite of going? Aubrey certainly seems to be advertising to that effect in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-alliterator

Jane Austen
See Austen, Jane
Average Joe

The average man. Everyman moniker for the man in the street who is smarter than Casablancas REIT investors, as is proved in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Mike B.
See B., Mike
Mary B.
See B., Mary
Ali Baba
See Baba, Ali
Baby Think-It-Over

A plastic baby. It cries and mewls like a real baby, though. It's probably a robot baby. Sex with robots is more common than you think. Ms. Hauser wants the students to know the consequences before jumping in the sack with a robot in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator

Backup
 
Bad Company

Band from the days when Keith Mars was cool. While listening to Deputy Sacks, Ex-Deputy Leo and talking to desk clerk Inga Olofson hardly puts Keith in bad company, his reading material of choice might be an entirely different matter in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-grimsqueaker

Bad Livers

Band that Sully likes. Either they espouse a life of immorality, Bad Livers, or they drink a lot, Bad Livers. Which I guess some people might say is the same thing. Either way, their poster is up in Sully's room in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-funky-donut

Gwen Bagnall
See Bagnall, Gwen
Owen Bagwell
See Bagwell, Owen
Bailiff

Your basic Law & Order-type bailiff...who's secretly having an affair with the judge! Okay, not really, but I have to spice this bio up somehow. Maybe he's related somehow to Super Huge Deputy? Well, he certaily bears no resemblance to Richard Moll in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Thomas Nelson Webb.
Boyd K. Baker
See Baker, Boyd K.
Mr. Baker
See Baker, Mr.
Rocky Balboa
See Balboa, Rocky
Baldwin Brothers

Fraternity of actors/loose cannons. Maybe Wallace thinks it's the early '90s, when William Baldwin was still a hot commodity, Stephen Baldwin had yet to find Jesus, and Alec Baldwin was years away from a headline-making custody battle. Daniel? Well, there was never anything nice to say about Daniel. At any rate, Veronica doesn't want to engage in a rap session about any of the Baldwin gang in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

Bambi

Not Thumper's companion but rather the chickie who was chatting up Chip Diller at the Pi Sig party. Veronica warns her that Chip might rape her, but she doesn't look that concerned in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Bambi_Gasm

Internet handle for an escort from premiereescorts.biz. Man, if there's two things that shouldn't be combined, it's cute animated deer and sex. Although, using Bambi as a handle could just be code for something....Did you guys know that Bambi the cartoon, despite the feminine appearance, is actually a boy deer? Bambi_Gasm is surprising in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut

Band Dork

Neptune High Student. He's decked out in school colors while watching Wallace's flagpole humiliation and volunteers that "the bikers did it." Given this insider information, one would think he could have told the PCHers how to spell "snitch" correctly… Or not. This Pirate gazes in fear in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Chris Wiley.
Debbie S. Bankhead
See Bankhead, Debbie S.
Mr. Banks
See Banks, Mr.
Priscilla Banks
See Banks, Priscilla
Ashley Banks
 
Barb

Assistant to Roger Hearst. She's attentive, hardworking, and probably one more unreturned phone call to Evan away from going postal on her unappreciative boss. Sadly, we don't get to see that in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-leila6

Played by Emily Happe.
Michael Barbary
See Barbary, Michael
Barbie

A doll. There are academic works about Barbie's effects on American suburban culture. It's a doll! The name is also synonymous with blonde bimbo airheads whose bosoms far exceed gravity's ability to keep them upright — which is fine because they are more accustomed to the prone position anyway. Mac explains her name was a toss up between this and Cindy in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb," and the small-breasted Veronica brushes off the inappropriate insult in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.10 1.11
Deputy Barker
See Barker, Deputy
Gregory Barker
See Barker, Gregory
Matt Barone
See Barone, Matt
Sam Barrie
See Barrie, Sam
Coach Tom Barry
 
Bobby Barry
See Barry, Bobby
Mrs. Kathleen Barry
 
Josh Barry
 
Drew Barrymore
See Barrymore, Drew
Baseball Player

NHS jock and asswipe. He had a friend who died on the bus, he's got a weak curve ball, even if it doesn't stop him hitting the target and dunking Jackie Cook in the water at Winter Carnival, and he's mean to gay guys...uh...Dick in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough" and 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.14 2.13
Played by Jason McMahon.
Bass Player

One of Leo's jam session buddies. Keith brings some much needed excitement to his life of *cough* sex, drugs and rock'n'roll in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-grimsqueaker

Played by David Kyl-Brown.
Steven Batando
 
Batman

The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. Na na na na na na na na, Batman! and his life partner in crimefighting Robin (can you feel the HoYay?) roam around Gotham City at night protecting its citizens from the likes of the Joker, Two-Face, and a woman in a skin-tight catsuit. Max said that he and Chelsea discussed how much Batman's Batplane looked like a Cylon Raider in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-alliterator

Kevin Battle
See Battle, Kevin
Bauhaus

English rock band. First in gothic rock and in Max's heart. Bauhaus is best known for their single "Bela Lugosi's Dead," which was made popular by Tony Scott's lesbian vampire flick, The Hunger. Max shows his love for gloomy post-punk and/or vampire erotica in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-starxdsparrow

Mr. Baylor
See Baylor, Mr.
Beast

Monster. The story of Beauty and the Beast is really great, see, because there's this scary, horrific beast who is but a soft, loving prince inside, and then there's this total hunk, right, who is sooo hot OMG and yet in his heart is an utter brute! It's, like, totally profound and stuff. But here on Veronica Mars, everyone is always exactly what they appear to be outside, so let's just look at this pretty picture of the dignified and classy Principal Moorehead for the rest of this entry. It's super tough to find a beauty and a beast hobnobbing in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove

The Beatles

In the words of a myopic judge, a "popular beat combo" of the sixties. Or, you know, the biggest (and some, like Keith Mars, say greatest) band of all time. Two members are dead now, but we hate Madison, so we're not going to quibble over the soundness of Veronica's conclusion that if Madison's parents really loved her, they would have gotten the real Beatles to play "Birthday" for her in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb." Former rock star Desmond Fellows acknowledges their influence (or decides to eschew leg irons) ...eventually in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Inigo

All bios: 3.17 1.11
Beauty

Nice to look at. Trina tells Veronica that the NHS drama department is lacking in pretty girls; one can't help but wonder how that dearth impacted upon the school production of Beauty and the Beast. The truth is ugly in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove

Becker

Neptune High student and victim of Cap'n Krunk and Imitation Crab. According to the radio pirates, this boy is so hideous and stupid, he has to force himself on his dates to get some. Maybe he should ask Dick Casablancas for tips on how to resolve this problem. Becker gets a bad rep in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-grimsqueaker

Samuel Beckett
See Beckett, Samuel
Becky

Zeta Theta Beta sister. Her father is a dermatologist, which means she's got the cortisone hook-up for all the other sisters. Diane Ruggiero could have used Becky's dad's assistance at Rob Thomas's wedding, but, sadly, Becky and her dad are both fictional characters in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Polter-Cow

Beefy Resident

Hearst student who resides in Benes Hall. He comes running when he hears Parker Lee yelling "rape," asks some Excellent Questions of Mercer Hayes, and yet lets Mercer walk away. Hello, Beefy Resident? When someone has a a bleeding leg wound and scratches on his face and has just been accused of rape, don't let him walk away, mm-kay? Beefy Resident is all talk and no action in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by David Blue.
Wilson Behan
 
Cathy Belben
See Belben, Cathy
Harold Bell
See Bell, Harold
Beau Bellanfant
See Bellanfant, Beau
Jerome Bellows
See Bellows, Jerome
Ben

Corrupt ATF agent. Doesn't the ATF have a height requirement? 21 Jump Street meets Training Day meets May sweeps stunt casting when Ben plays high school student to investigate a potential bomber. He's on the wrong track, but failure is not an option, so he doesn't let that put a dent in his arrest record. Yucky guy. Now if they had managed to get Johnny Depp or Denzel Washington, one might have been slightly more sympathetic when Logan started pummelling his face. But a Home Improvement survivor? We cheered in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Ben #2

Hearst College student. He lives off-campus with Wang Yi, the alleged rapist who turns out to be Claire's boyfriend. Ben inspires Veronica's classic WTF face in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Joshua Arden.
Nasir Ben Hafayid
See Ben Hafayid, Nasir
Elizabeth Bennet
See Bennet, Elizabeth
Bernie

Unsubtle reporter. Bernie's mission: to acquire personalized information about the bus crash from Wallace Fennel. He tries to be as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, but he only manages to lose his notepad's top page to Wallace in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker, alliterator

Played by Marty Ryan.
Halle Berry
See Berry, Halle
Berto

A PCHer. Possibly infamous for tripping breakers, or so says Weevil. Though if he was the only person besides Weevil when the 09ers attacked, we're thinking they said to him, "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator

Bessie

A cow. I'm sure she wasn't as sexy as Kendall, just as I'm sure Kendall doesn't have six nipples, but Logan compares the two anyway in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Beth

Teenaged-looking newspaper reporter. Taking a page out of ATF agent Ben's book, Beth goes undercover at Neptune High to catch a big fish of a story. Unfortunately for her, she hits Terrence Cook's Porsche in the process and becomes a target of Wallace's detective skills. He shows that Veronica has taught him well in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Lindsey Tusing.
Betsy

Servant of the Dashwood family in Austen's Sense and Sensibility, a filmed version of which plays in the background of Neptune's modern take on 'Tis a Pity She's a Whore. Whilst the increasingly impoverished Dashwoods must scale down their living standards, they could never part with Betsy or Thomas. Betsy carries the key to the silver cabinet, and her sterling qualities are implied by the choice to retain her in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Inigo

Betty

A Veronica alias. She's blonde and curly and oh-so-peppy. The students at Pan High think Betty is freakin' hot; the students at Neptune High think Veronica is so not. What in the world is wrong with the 09ers?! Off-the-cuff adoption of this name was inspired by meeting Archie lookalike Richie in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo, wyk

Beverly

Secretary of Woody Goodman. Rolling her eyes at her boss, snarking at Logan Echolls, smiling at Keith Mars, and surviving the episode make this model's government worker's guest spot a tad more successful than those of rental car desk clerk Stacy and journalism teacher Leslie Dumass. No wonder Beverly's a winner in 2.17 "Plan B."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Furonda Brasfield.
Bianconsino
See Bianconsino,
Biff

One of Veronica's imaginary friends. When Meg and Duncan sit down with her, Veronica bids Biff move his butt in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Big Al

Victim of the Neptune High School bus tragedy? At the one temporary memorial of most interest to the Hawaiian-shirted man is the message, "Goodbye Big Al." The driver's name was Ed, Ms. Dumass wasn't big, Cervando doesn't contract easily into Al, and Meg isn't gone. Who the hell is Big Al? Is the death of another biker noted in 2.02 "Driver Ed"?

-Inigo

Big Boy

Pi Sigma-ite. His name is written large in a Comic Sans-eque print, yet his score is but a mediocre 100. I could make all sorts of joke about size and overcompensation, but the fact that he is involved in a contest where he gets numerical scores for the girls naive or drunk enough to sleep with him sort of makes all my jokes for me. Big Boy is a sad example of humanity in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Big Brother

Dictator/figurehead. He's watching you. Right now, really. While you're doing that math problem. 2 + 2? Can you puzzle that one out? It's 5, dude. 2 + 2 = 5. Believe it, man. Big Brother said so. Logan has always been at war with Veronica in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Big John and the Loveladies

Band. We really don't want to think about where John got his nickname and why he has so many Loveladies, so instead we'll make fun of his poster on the wall of a Hearst hallway. It looks to be made using Crayola markers. This is college, guys! Can't you just make fliers, like the one next to your poster that "seek[s] a bassist"? Hey, that's not you guys, is it? Are you bassless? Perhaps my accusations are baseless in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow

Big! Dave

Pi Sigma Sigmoron. Not one to be bound by petty things like "convention" or "punctuation," Big! Dave takes exclamation points to a whole new level. Veronica would probably want to know, though: sure, it's Big! — but is it Legendary!? Judging by B!D's paltry score of 110, it's a safe bet that this hog is no match for the greats. Size matters in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Bigfoot

Legendary ape-like beast. Reports of Bigfoot sightings are often dubious and sometimes accompanied by conveniently blurry or indistinct photos, so we seriously doubt that there is actually a—holy crap, look over there! It's Bigf—oh, too late. You missed him. Lamb thinks we can safely cross Bigfoot off the list of rape suspects in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-misskiwi

Biggles
See Biggles,
Bill

Chief of the Neptune Fire Department. Veronica's jailbait in more than one sense when she persuades him to commit a little petty larceny and tamper with evidence in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Played by Tom McCafferty.
Jack Billet
See Billet, Jack
Billy

Pan High School mascot. You'll never guess what Billy is. Go on. Give it a go. An eiderdown duck? No, that's not it. A lemur? Come on! You're not even trying. An antelope? Closer, but no cigar. Billy is a...goat. Cool, huh? Billy Goat Gruff has it a bit rough in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Billy #2

A roadie for The Unwashed, we assume, since he was selling their CDs at the door of Winston's. Perhaps he is a kid or a goat or perhaps he is just the assistant of a schoolteacher-turned-president who stupidly tragically met his death. Or maybe not. One can never tell in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Osama bin Laden
See bin Laden, Osama
Biology Teacher

An educator in the birds and the bees, and the snakes and the ladders of life. Yes, it's Buddy's buddy, the teacher who thinks feeding live rats to pythons is suitable entertainment at Neptune High. He has to find something to do to distinguish himself as his roll call is a little on the dry side, and not in a Rowan Atkinson way, in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-Inigo

Played by David Patrick Green.
Bird Dawg

Fraternity nickname of Andrew "Drew" Barndale. It figures that someone with life ambitions seemingly underscoring even Dick's would want to name himself after an animal whose greatest achievements are panting and retrieving dead fowl. Drew sucks at puns in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Carrie Bishop
 
Bizen

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Bizen is a city in Japan famous for pottery. Piz is a college DJ in California known for talking too much. Yeah, we see the connection. Desmond keeps us guessing with the geographically referential nicknames in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Black Eyed Peas

Not a much-abused vegetable, but a hip-hop group that was the first to ask, "Where is the love?" They were fallin' up in the BEP Empire over weekends when they got original. They don't lie when they pump it and say, "Hey mama, shut up." Veronica doesn't phunk with their heart in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-alliterator

The Black Heart Procession

An indie rock back from San Diego. Piz has a poster of them in his room. They have a unique sound for an indie band, with electric keyboards, samplers, and even a saw. Unfortunately, the only procession of black hearts is Mercer and Moe fleeing the scene in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Black Licorice

Piz's band. He claims to that he doesn't want a radio DJ gig just to get exposure for his band. With a name like Black Licorice — which he describes as being "dark and moody, but at the same time, it's candy" — they're going to need all the help they can get in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-funky-donut

BlackCat70

Screen name for a groupie. As a fan of My Pretty Pony, this chatstress took Desmond's suggestion to "surprise [him]" while he was in town literally, awaiting him in his hotel room clad only in leopard-print lingerie after climbing down from the balcony above on a sheet. Unfortunately, this vixen was not the vixen Desmond was looking for, as she was actually of age. Her real-life alter-ego is a boring assistant professor of Chinese, but Blackcat70 still knows how to walk on the wild side in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-funky-donut

BlackCat80

My Pretty Pony fan and Desmond Fellows groupie. One can see how Desmond got confused, what with the similarity in names between this nubile young thing and BlackCat70. Desmond is disappointed not to be surprised by BlackCat80 in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-funky-donut

Selma Blair
See Blair, Selma
William Blake
See Blake, William
Ms. Blank
See Blank, Ms.
Lloyd Blankenship
 
Blind Date #1

A rather ditzy lady who thinks Keith may have taken a shine to her. Oh, hon, you're no Alicia. Or Rebecca, for that matter. You seem sweet enough, but it's entirely possible that the desperate vibe you're sending out could be why the dating service "It's Just Coffee" didn't work for you. Blind Date doesn't get lucky with Keith in 2.18 "I Am God."

-funky-donut

Played by Lizzie Murray.
Blind Date #2

A blind date of Keith's. She apparently enjoys indulging in extensive criticism, talking about her ex-husband, and making really off-base comparisons soon after meeting her dates. One cannot imagine why she, of all people, needs a dating service! She suggests a bit of change for Keith in 2.18 "I Am God"

-public displays of lust

Played by Anne L Nathan.
Blind Date #3

Office manager for a local doctor. Keith finally stumbles upon the Ms. Right who can lead him to the doctor who's been diagnosing Neptune High students with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as long as they can turn their heads and cough up the $1000 "co-pay" for his services. Ms. Right outs the Good Doctor 2.18 "I Am God.".

-topanga

Played by Jacleen Haber.
Blinky

A name Veronica calls Thumper. What's in a name? Blinky is the name of the main character in a magazine serial by Gene Markey, yes. It also spawned an Edward Sedgwick, comedic Western/cavalry film from the 1920s. But neither of these can really explain why Veronica thought this was Thumper's name in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-BepperGirl

Julie Bloch
See Bloch, Julie
Blonde Female Caller

Fan of Desmond Fellows'. From mere feet away in the caf, this former My Pretty Pony follower calls Piz's radio show for a chance to chat with her idol. Perhaps she's a super-recent henna convert, because while clearly a redhead (and referenced as such), the credits bill her as "blonde female caller." Offered the role of groupie (or at least invited to humor everyone with a quick flash), her delusions of Desmond's grandeur are quickly dashed in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

Played by Abby Miller.
Judge Bloom
See Bloom, Judge
Rebecca Bloom
See Bloom, Rebecca
Benjamin Bloom
See Bloom, Benjamin
Samuel Bloom
See Bloom, Samuel
Blue Oyster Cult

Band whose biggest hit, "(Don't Fear) The Reaper," featured on Keith's 8-track in 1977 (and on Veronica Mars). For Keith, this is proffered as proof that he was cool. For the rest of us, this is incontrovertible proof that he is in the grips of a fever and the only prescription is...more cowbell!! Will Ferrell's Gene Frenkle's legacy lives on in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Blue Stripper

Stripper who...wears blue pants? Or maybe her name is actually Blue. Or both. Either way, she was quite offended when Tim suggested that she and her friend might have bummed a cigarette from a stranger. I mean, come on: taking your clothes off and dancing around a pole while men shove singles in your G-string is one thing, but smoking? A girl's got to have some standards and self-respect in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Nikki McCauley.
Judy Blume
See Blume, Judy
Bo Peep

Nursery rhyme character or Lamb's favored casual wear. Come on, Lambie. We'll come peeking in your windows to see you play with your crook anytime, even though you were a little busy in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Bob

Imaginary house vendor. Ever the pragmatist, Weevil responds to the math problem of Bob selling houses at a 5% commission by suggesting that Bob should find something more lucrative to sell. Oh, how we wish that Francis's agent was as diligent in maximizing his client's screen time as Weevil is in maximizing his profit margin in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Bob #2

Student at Neptune High and Jane Kuhne's chauffeur friend. Bob is at the loser's end of the who-wants-to-get-into-whose-pants dance that is high school. Carrying Jane's books and driving her around is no substitute for the allure of basketball star Wallace Fennel in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Bob #3

Frisbee-playing Hearst College student. How pleasant, bobbing along, bobbing along with a Frisbee on the beautiful college green. What a chance to get a better peep at the near-nude creature in his sleep. Bob glides, tripping o'er the Pi Sigs' pride, obscene though the knickers make the scene...it's lovely, bobbing along, bobbing along to find Diller on the beautiful college green. Lucky for Chip, it wasn't a bedknob or a broomstick up his ass in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

Played by Colin Kim.
Bobcat

Name Logan is not allowed to call Veronica when her Dad is around. We really wonder why Logan shouldn't use this charming nickname, because after all, how could a reference to a feral feline be construed to mean something not entirely innocent? Young Mr. Echolls gives us more insight into this steamy relationship than anyone could ever wish for in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker

Humphrey Bogart
See Bogart, Humphrey
Niehls Bohr
See Bohr, Niehls
Sondra Bolan
See Bolan, Sondra
The Bomb

Choice of nickname of one of the PiSS dwellers at Hearst College. Aw. How cute is that? He made the O like a bomb. Colored it in and everything. What a great guy! And how tacky in a town that lost eight of its citizens to one. Jerk. Check out his claimed chick score in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

Bombero

Pi Sigma-ite. Did this wannabe Don Juan also wannabe a throwback to the '90s like his fratmate The Bomb or did he just want to be called "fireman" only with more Latin flavor? Of course, judging by his rather sad score of 50, perhaps other people started calling him that because of his ability to single-handedly put out the fires of, er, passion? The origin of this jerk's nickname is a mystery in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Jon Bon Jovi
See Bon Jovi, Jon
James Bond
See Bond, James
Barry Bonds
See Bonds, Barry
Bone Head

A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. His head is made of bones—gosh, these frat boys are smart. Or maybe Bone Head is not so smart. Or maybe he's a paleontology major. Or maybe he's just really horny. Anyone's guess is as good as ours in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Bookish Female TA

Cute, giggly teaching assistant at Hearst who seems to think fixing a thermostat is worthy of undying adoration. It's hard to blame a nerdy lit student, though, for falling under Weevil's gruff, manly, wrong-side-of-the-tracks, former-gang-leader spell in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-ninamazing

Played by Jessica Aerin Hughes.
Daniel Boone
See Boone, Daniel
Preston Boone
See Boone, Preston
Bootsy

PCH biker. Much like the Sith, the PCH bikers seem to thrive on giving their members silly nicknames: after a bug and a Bambi character, we now get a footwear fetishist. Despite his remarkable moniker, Bootsy is rather anonymous, given that he wears the trademark badass biker helmet. Bootsy is seen, not heard, in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!" and talked about, not seen, in 2.11 "Donut Run.".

-grimsqueaker, Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.11 2.08
Border Patrol Official

One of the many valiant officers responsible for patrolling our borders against illegal aliens...or rich 09ers kidnapping their illegimate babies. Unfortunately, this agent (who must be pulling double time, 'cause it looks like he's a customs agent too) is foiled by his evil archnemesis: traffic. This agent looks nothing like Hugo Weaving in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-alliterator

Played by Chris Salcedo.
Boris

A love interest? Lianne's final guess as to the identity of her daughter's mysterious boyfriend, the selection of which finally forces Veronica to 'fess up in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Boy

Jackie Cook's two-year-old son. Kid's screwed, of course, not knowing his mother from his grandmother. If his life truly follows in the path trod by Bobby Darin, he'll have a good time, marry and divorce an ingénue who makes her name in re-make of Gidget, then die at the age of thirty-seven. Or not. It's a little hard to tell based on events in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

Played by Rajkumar Gross.
Boy at Keyboard

Neptune High student. The Silent Bob to the chattier Favorite Band Sucks T-Shirt, our boy doesn't do much besides sitting and staring at a video featuring the dead but still fabulous Lilly Kane in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Mark Styles.
Boy George

Singer, songwriter, and flamboyantly gay leader of the eighties band Culture Club. Tad thinks he is insulting Seth by calling him Boy George. All he really does is draw further attention to the poo he wrote/sang for Carmen. Besides, you can bet your bottom dollar that George doesn't have Seth's name tattooed on his back like Tad in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo

Danny Boyd
 
Boyz II Men

Rap group that was most famous in the '90s. You'd think after ten years of being around, they would change their name to Men II Older Men. Veronica goes from telling-Sheriff Don Lamb-she-was-their-back-up-singer Happy II seeing-Logan-put-her-in-the-rear -view-mirror Sad in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator

Jennifer Bradbury
See Bradbury, Jennifer
Keith Bradley
See Bradley, Keith
A Brady
See Brady, A
Brant

Assistant to Budd Rose. He's pushy, rude, snotty, and a snappy dresser: what more could a guy ask for in an assistant? Well, stroking your hair while you're sleeping and throwing a jealous fit because you're still married to your wife might be a little over the top. Not that there's anything wrong with that...actually, there's something very wrong with that in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-misskiwi

Played by Brian Kimmet.
Donnie Brasco
See Brasco, Donnie
Bratty Little Girl

Daddy's little devil. She leaves purple gum on seats, snarks on Veronica, and wears Lilly's necklace. Can someone get this kid in the next Problem Child sequel? At least then we won't see her in any episode besides 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Rachel Rogers.
April Breck
See Breck, April
Brent

The invisible man, apparently, or at least a Milford graduate. A Dandy Warhol and probably a close relative of Sue Storm, Brent has taken it upon himself to hide among the other minor speaking roles, but still appears in the credits just to spite us. Oh, Brent, you rascal! We used to be friends! Brent is neither seen nor heard in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Brent DeBoer.
Brer Rabbit

The main character in the folktales of Uncle Remus, as collected by Joel Chandler Harris. Brer Rabbit is the amiable trickster who, when trapped by Brer Fox, begs not to be thrown into the briar patch. This is exactly what the silly fox does, enabling Brer Rabbit to escape. Lamb has read the story and delights in avoiding Veronica's trap of telling him that Duncan's not in Mexico. But Veronica is a really tricky trickster and counts on him avoiding her trap, thus entrapping him more in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-Inigo

Brett

Leader of the paintballers. Though Brett is not his real name, that's the moniker Veronica saddles him with when she accuses him of vandalizing Babylon Gardens. Consider yourself lucky you aren't Towelie, Brett. Brett's mischief making (and random paintball shootings) is brought to an end by Veronica in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Kunal Sharma.
Brian

Aaron's tennis coach. A cool dude that Aaron will discuss anything in front of, so long as it's not adultery. Aaron and Brian practice in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Brian #2

Brother of an indiscreet hospital worker. This is how gossip works. Brian's brother tells Brian. Brian tells Ashley. Ashley tell Carrie. Carrie tells Susan. Veronica eavesdrops to discover that Duncan is loony-tunes bonkers. All good fun in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo

Brian #3

Best roommate a guy could have — or something. Max has Brian and Fred to thank for his heartbreak, since they just couldn't live with themselves knowing that Brian was rooming with a *gasp* virgin! Something had to be done to remedy the situation, so they sent Chelsea his way — and then got pissed off when they learned what really happened that magical night at Comic-Con — in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-fulfilled

Played by Richard Keith.
Nash Bridges
See Bridges, Nash
Bridget

Friend of Caitlin Ford. Poor girl. In what is becoming something of a cliché, the private phone number of one of Paris Hilton's mates is disclosed to the world in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.20 1.02
Bridget #2

Dog owner. Her toy spaniel Louie is dognapped by the notorious Balboa Cartel and her offer of $100 is insufficient to secure his return. Veronica comes to the rescue by upping the reward and Wallace gets to return Louie to a grateful Bridget. As he hoped, she is hot, grateful and single...for someone in their sixties. Wallace needs a girlfriend, so it's a shame this May-December romance never gets off the ground in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Played by Virginia Hawkins.
Cora Briggs
 
Miss Brightside
See Brightside, Miss
Britt

Karaoke singer who bears an uncanny resemblance to the lead singer of Spoon. After Veronica pours Britt a cup of coffee, he serenades her with his rendition of "Veronica." Aww, what a sweetie. Unfortunately for Lars, his fickle gal also becomes smitten by Britt's sweetness and total bed-head hair in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-wyk

Played by Britt Daniel.
Jason Brock
See Brock, Jason
Brodie

One of the Pi Sigma Sigma pledges that was a naked waiter at the Zeta Theta Beta party. He may have a large comic book collection and go on to host the Tonight Show or possibly become the sheriff of a beachside town terrified by a shark. Or maybe not. But here's the question: is a stinkpalm worse than a trip to the dentist? We'll never know, since Brodie's only mentioned in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-alliterator

Mr. Brody
See Brody, Mr.
Brooklyn Dan

Namesake of the diner where Jackie and her mom work. Hmm, I wonder where this diner could be possibly located? This not-so-subtle diner name is just another in a long line of anvilicious writing in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-wyk

Paul Brooks
See Brooks, Paul
Pierce Brosnan
See Brosnan, Pierce
Steve Broussard
See Broussard, Steve
Big John Brown
See Brown, Big John
John Brown
See Brown, John
Bobby Brown
See Brown, Bobby
Jacob Bruce
See Bruce, Jacob
Anthony Brundige
See Brundige, Anthony
Pat Bryant
See Bryant, Pat
Bubbles

Michael Jackson's former chimpanzee. No, seriously, that's not a euphemism. Bubbles was MJ's pet chimp/date to the red carpet/housekeeper for many years until he became violent and was sent to live on an animal ranch. Poor Bubbles. Veronica implies her father is her "monkey with connections" by calling him this in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Buckcherry

An L.A. rock and roll band with songs that get strippers in a fighting mood. Catholic School Girl complains bitterly that her seniority gives her first refusal in song choices and that Tory can't claim the band wrote one specially for her. Now this, of course, all depends on whether Tory is an alias for Buck Cherry, the notorious Hollywood transvestite who used to bum cigarettes from that band and from whom they took their name. Somebody, possibly masquerading as John Enbom, knew their rock history in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Bucko

Dog. One of the missing pedigrees, he is enjoying the hospitality of Balboa Animal Control. He is rescued in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Bud

One of Inga's pets...or possibly her husband. It is hard to be sure, as Lamb interrupts her gossiping with Keith, much to her displeasure, in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Buddy

Snake not on a plane. In fact, this snake is positively grounded, stuck in a high school biology class. He lives on a steady diet of rats because whole-animal cuisine is where it's at. An attempt to feed him processed rat meat shaved into thin, sprinkle-ready portions would be met with "I've had it with these flakes!" Despite all his rage, he will still eat a rat in a cage in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-Polter-Cow

Jenny Budosh
 
Warren Buffet
See Buffet, Warren
Buffy

The name Fern Delgado uses when "Veronica" is too hard to remember. It's a mistake, for that name has a particular resonance with our chosen one. Veronica isn't just going through the motions, for she has a theory when she finds the bunnies that left Chip a Keister egg. If they're together, the Lilith House girls are the mustard under the spell of revenge, even if they'll never tell. Male rape isn't a parking ticket, but Veronica may let this one rest in peace as deserved punishment — a dawn's lament for Patrice Pitrelli. No matter what you feel about it, Veronica may well be standing up for rough justice, if not wholesale faked rapes, for she's walked through the fire and knows that humiliation isn't something to sing about. Question is, where does she go from here after 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's"?

-Inigo

Evelyn Bugby
See Bugby, Evelyn
Bugs Bunny

Cartoon wabbit. The bunny's wacky exploits are brought to mind as Veronica visits the Shark Field stadium site and checks out what's up...shock!...in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

Apollo Bukenya
See Bukenya, Apollo
C. Bundrick
See Bundrick, C.
Adam Bunting
See Bunting, Adam
Dr. Burns
See Burns, Dr.
C. Montgomery Burns
See Burns, C. Montgomery
William S. Burroughs
See Burroughs, William S.
Steve Buscemi
See Buscemi, Steve
George W. Bush
See Bush, George W.
Bush Twin

One of the twin daughters of President George W. Bush. As a brunette, Gia might align herself more closely with Barbara than with blonde Jenna, but as both have a flair for the public drunkenness, sluttiness, and minor scandals that Gia is heir to (now that Daddy is Neptune's commander-in-chief), hair color is probably the least of her concerns. Gia looks to emulate one or the other of them in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Buster

Corruptible German Shepherd. He will roll over for a pretty girl. This may be the reason why the sheriff's department has left him in the kennels since 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Butch
See Butch,
Melinda Button
See Button, Melinda
Heather Button
See Button, Heather
Buzz

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Probably the most affectionate nickname Desmond could have chosen, as a buzz is most notably the beginning stages of blissful intoxication — the state in which Desmond seems most content. Desmond teases Piz because he cares in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Leisa Byley
See Byley, Leisa
Mrs. Cable-Graham
See Cable-Graham, Mrs.
Julius Caesar
See Caesar, Julius
Nicolas Cage
See Cage, Nicolas
Christine Cagney
See Cagney, Christine
Calexico

Alternative country band from Tucson. Or indie rock band from Tucson. Anyone else wish that music genre-deciders would make up their bloody minds? Or better yet, that music genres would just dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Ahem. Sorry. Issues. Anyway, Max's "friend" Fred may not have a lot going for him, but he is wholly redeemed in this writer's view by having a Calexico poster on the wall in his dorm room, because Calexico are fab. Seriously fab. This is from someone who doesn't like country music as a rule. The covers of "All Tomorrow's Parties" and "Wild Horses," performed with Iron & Wine playing on my iTunes now are so stunningly beautiful that I am reduced to incoherent babbling, just like Fred...isn't really in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Inigo

Caligula

Roman emperor of questionable morals. Depraved and cruel, he was deposed after only four years, making way for his stuttering old uncle Claudius. Man, that Caligula. Veronica's quick thinking results in the one character in history whom Keith might actually think is a worse person to come home and find his daughter with than Eli "Weevil" Navarro in 2.17 "Plan B."

-Inigo

Harry Callahan
See Callahan, Harry
Tina Callas
 
Isobel Campbell
See Campbell, Isobel
Loretta Cancun
See Cancun, Loretta
Ms. Canning
See Canning, Ms.
Cap'n Krunk

Trash-talking radio alter-ego of Marcos Oliveres. Mild-mannered and kinda gay by day, Marcos cut the edge and pushed the envelope by night in discussing such vital topics as "Who's Our Hottest Prostitute?" and "Sloots 'R You." His greatest act of counterculture rebellion, though, has to be naming himself after a guy on a cereal box. Arrr! The late great pirate is sorely missed, sort of, in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Bonnie Capistrano
 
Reverend Ted Capistrano
See Capistrano, Reverend Ted
Al Capone
See Capone, Al
Truman Capote
See Capote, Truman
Captain of Industry

Member of the jury. With that name, he sounds like a superhero. Well, okay, a corporate superhero. But the way he acts, he seems more like a supervillain. Or maybe a regular villain. Anyway, first he wants to make Veronica forewoman, but then he's all "You can't convict these two rich 09ers!" Finally, he goes from hero to villain to pain in the...buttocks when he only concedes to their conviction knowing that it will be overturned. The Captain needs to shut it in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Robert Curtis Brown.
Captain/Admiral Moneybags

Nickname for Logan. Jeff Ratner attempts to insult Logan by calling him Captain Moneybags, but Logan promptly promotes himself to Admiral. Logan's wealth isn't a secret in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-funky-donut

Car Wash Boss

The owner of Jumbo's Clown Wash. We don't know if his name is Jumbo or if he is just using bad punctuation to say that there is a Jumbo Clown washing cars. Although why you would want a Jumbo Clown washing cars is a mystery. A creepy, creepy mystery. Anyway, he's mean to Weevil and calls him "cholo," but what do you expect from someone who doesn't even put the word "car" in his car wash business? The Winchester brothers might need to make a pit stop in Neptune to take care of this guy in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-alliterator

Played by John Sylvain.
Carl

Room service waiter at the Neptune Grand. His waistcoat is more sumptuous than the Presidential Suite, which says a lot about hotel standards. Discreet and polite, Carl lifts the lids off dinners in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Inigo

Carl #2

Capistrano Ministry worker. The sight of Logan's toenails was the final straw. He resigned from his job as a waiter at the Neptune Grand. He applied for a job at the latest variation of Starbucks to open in Neptune and was happy to get an interview. Dressed in his Sunday best, he headed for Cappuccino Minibars. Dyslexia led him to the headquarters of the Rev. Ted. Both declared it an act of God, a match in heaven was made, and Carl found his true calling...humping boxes and still not getting a line. Kidding. It's probably not the same guy in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo

Carl #3

Concerned member of the Neptune Homeowners' Association. He throws around what appears to be the Homeowners' Association's considerable weight, leaning on Keith to get results in the robbery cases before the impending election. If Carl thinks Vinnie would be a better sheriff, he obviously isn't as smart as he thinks he is in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Steve Bean.
Carlita

One of the help. She should feel honored that someone as important as Lynn Echolls would even bother learning her name. She teeters on the edge to ensure that there are no bald patches on the Christmas tree for a super-duper 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo, wyk

Carlita #2

One of Veronica's imaginary friends. When Meg and a reluctant Duncan join her for lunch, she asks Carlita to make room in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Judge Carlton
See Carlton, Judge
Kevin Carney
See Carney, Kevin
Caroler #1

Here we come a-wassailing
among the leaves so green

This grinning caroler seems as fascinated with his singing partner, Caroler #2, as he is with the holiday tune they perform. Either he's already had his share of wassail, or he's wondering how much wassail it will take before she sheds that prim, Victorian costume of hers. He is hopeful in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Kevin James Brando.
Caroler #2

Even though she and her colleagues try hard, their inspired Christmas singing can't beat the entertainment value of Aaron Echolls getting stabbed by a jealous ex-fling in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Cara Christensen.
Caroler #3

Rosy-cheeked and full of cheer, this caroler attempts to bring Christmas joy in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Chris Christensen.
Caroler #4

Is this a television show or a commercial for tooth bleaching? This caroler shows off her pearly whites in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Shannon Beth Coogan.
Caroler #5

A true professional, this singer braves Victorian costumes, fake snow, and ridiculously low pay to practice his craft in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Robert Matthew Hoglund.
Caroler #6

She'd probably rather be elsewhere, but alas, in Neptune, even holidays are only for the rich. Pity the singer in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Helen Taylor Ryu.
Caroler #7

The shortest of the bunch, she proves that powerful voices can be housed in small bodies. This tiny diva sings her heart out in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Sandra Rice.
Caroler #8

Are the mischievous grin and seductive eyebrow raising part of the choreography? This caroler must be practicing for his upcoming date in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Philip A. Tesoro.
Carrie

Teen witch without the cuteness. No Willow or Sabrina, Carrie is horribly bullied by nasty high schoolers and John Travolta. They fix the prom queen vote, then douse her with blood when she's crowned. Big mistake. Carrie has been cursed with powerful telekinesis and tears the place apart. Although she approves of the grievous bodily harm her minions attempt on Veronica's jacket, Arianna is not quite so effective in silencing opposition in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Carrie #2

A fan of Landry's work. One must wonder as to which is the scarier: parents who name their child after a blood-soaked fictional witch who wipes out the population of teenagers in a small town, or a girl who stalks a criminology writer to the extent of tracking down his cell phone number so she can call him and gush? Either way, Landry should have taken it as something of an omen, given events in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Jimmy Carter
See Carter, Jimmy
David Caruso
See Caruso, David
Franklin Carvahlos
See Carvahlos, Franklin
Kendall Casablancas
 
Betina Casablancas
See Casablancas, Betina
Dick Casablancas
 
Sadie Casablancas
See Casablancas, Sadie
Neko Case
See Case, Neko
Cat Fighter

She's a feisty one! When the results of the purity test become public, she publicly confronts her "best friend" who apparently had some sort of relationship with her boyfriend. You go, girl! Or maybe not. Chaos reigns (and Agent Smart is nowhere in sight) in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-alliterator

Played by Karenssa LeGear.
Cat in the Hat Raver

Neptune High student. Her claim to fame largely consists of being one of the first people passed by our luminous heroine, but she can also pride herself on being one of the passive bystanders at Wallace's humiliating first day of school. At least there is no denying she looks cute in that hat in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Amber Ojeda.
Catholic School Girl

Stripper. Or, according to Veronica, possibly just a down-on-her-luck schoolgirl carrying concealed produce. She may think men are scum, but she still helps point Veronica and Tim in the direction of someone who might be able to help find Veronica's supposed deadbeat dad. Her tip proves fruitless, but it's the thought that counts in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Jennifer Blanc.
Cathy

Cashier. Works in Accounts Payable at the sheriff's department. Given what a tool Lamb is and the likelihood that Keith will regularly recover lost prisoners, she probably sees him more often than it might seem from 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Cathy #2

Fellow classmate in Veronica's Intro to Criminology class. Cathy seems to have taken a shine to their professor — Dr. Landry. Since he's a criminology professor, we're sure he's aware that dating a college student is slightly frowned upon. Cathy may have to rival Veronica's affections for him, but with Veronica happily in a relationship, Cathy's got dibs in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-fickledame

Played by Kristen Mengelkock.
Jerry Cavin
See Cavin, Jerry
Jessica Cavin
See Cavin, Jessica
Cedric

The pipe man at Liberty Cigars & Pipes. This is the man to go to for that special blend. Of course, if what Keith tells Veronica is true, then specials at Liberty may mean something other than tobacco. The "smoking = evil" cliché is continued in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Inigo

Cerutti
See Cerutti,
Louisa Cetlingsworth
See Cetlingsworth, Louisa
Dr. Chambliss
See Chambliss, Dr.
Bodie Chang
See Chang, Bodie
Carol Channing
See Channing, Carol
Dave Chappelle
See Chappelle, Dave
Chappie

Missing dog. Look at her him. Isn't she he cute? Look at these soft ears and her his earnest loving eyes. Don't you just want to pick Lola Chappie up and steal her him? We know Hans would. Kristen Bell's dog does double duty in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Charlie

Neptune High student. Being mentally challenged doesn't stop him from being enchanted with Jackie's beauty. She graciously invites him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, and they dance the night away — at least, until his mother abruptly whisks him away so he can get to bed on time. Mentally challenged or not, Charlie probably wishes he could rip his mother a new one in 2.17 "Plan B."

-topanga

Played by Caleb Steinmeyer.
Charlie's Angel

One of a trio of nubile women working for a voice in a box. Really. Without ever mussing her hair or breaking a nail, an angel can roll out of a moving car. Veronica is tempted to play an angel in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Charlie's Mom

Much like Alicia Fennel a long time ago, she is gullible enough to let a man's bad reputation sully her image of his daughter. She ruins her son's evening in 2.17 "Plan B."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Denise Gossett.
Charlotte

Charleston's conceivably cheating girlfriend. Choosy, childish, or just not chaste, Charlotte chooses to cheese off Veronica. Big mistake in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-alliterator

Played by Amy Eve Rider.
Harmony Chase
 
Marvin Chase
See Chase, Marvin
Sir Cheats-a-Lot

Slightly trite nickname. Hearkening back to the greatest knight that ever did sit at the round table (or perhaps that jolly, bootie-loving, hip-hopster from Seattle), Veronica makes no bones about what she thinks of the ethics of Max's stolen terms papers business. But he likes big bucks and he cannot lie in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-bethgee

Chuck E. Cheese
See Cheese, Chuck E.
Chelsea

One of many pseudonyms for sweet-faced, gold-hearted sex worker Wendy, who is hired by Max's friends Brian and Fred to teach him about the birds and the bees. Maybe she was lying about being a Battlestar Galactica addict, but it turns out that she and Max did make a "connection" that night at Comic-Con (when all they did was talk). Her white knight pays ten grand to get her out of the prostitution business, and they live in harmony for a few days painting each other's nails. In the end, though, "Chelsea" repays Max by jumping ship and leaving a note thanking him for introducing her to the world of honest romance. Or, you know, regular old dishonest romance, but without the monetary compensation. She also drops off a thousand dollars and promises to give him the rest, so Max wasn't totally screwed in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-ninamazing

Chelsea #2

This Chelsea is the only one of that name Veronica found on the Erotic Critique, a detailed and multi-functional search engine for sex workers (God bless the Internet!). Unfortunately, this Chelsea's kind of a transvestite, not the cute-as-a-button hooker who sexlessly seduced Max at Comic-Con, only to find and then leave him again in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves".

-ninamazing

Julie Chen
See Chen, Julie
Dick Cheney
See Cheney, Dick
Chester

Absent poker player. Weevil is able to find a seat at the Echolls Christmas poker tournament thanks to Chester going AWOL. We bet it has something to do with the lack of clean underwear in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Chester #2

Mandy's Jack Russell terrier. It is his disappearance from the 09er house where Mandy was baby-sitting that leads to the uncovering of corruption at the local dog pound in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Chicks on Speed

German-born electropop group requested at the beginning of the frat party edition of Club Flush. In addition to song-making, they also have their own record label, design clothes and artwork, and have published a book. They're a group of hard-working, focused young ladies, and they would probably have kicked the shit out of Mercer Hayes in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-tallow

Chico

A name and a number in a matchbook. Lilly tortured her mother by creating it and leaving it lying around, as she tells Veronica in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Chief

Mexican law enforcement official. Sheriff Mars enlists his jurisdictional assistance in Cabo to apprehend a pair of fugitives wanted for questioning on the Neptune side of the border. Keith probably appreciates the chief taking time off from pursuing el cornballer in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by Richard Romero.
Jim Chimory
See Chimory, Jim
Chloe

Hearst College student. Along with Mason and Jessica, she encourages Wallace to watch a movie with her and stop stressing about school already. Since Wallace hasn't had spent time with a non-PI female in months, Chloe has no trouble persuading him. If you look closely, you actually can see Wallace's lips mutter "Study Shmudy" in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Josie Lopez.
Hamilton Cho
See Cho, Hamilton
Choir Teacher

Neptune High Teacher. She's all glasses and teeth as she cheerfully encourages the students who audition for Cabaret. She cues Meg for her entrance in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-topanga

Played by Gwendolyn Oliver.
Mr. Chompers
See Chompers, Mr.
Noam Chomsky
See Chomsky, Noam
Jimmy Choo
See Choo, Jimmy
Chorus

Character in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Is there anything that Jimmy Spain can't turn his hand to in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con"?

-Inigo

Chris

Someone who at one point in his life was born and therefore deserves a birthday party, according to Hannah's mother's desk calendar in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Polter-Cow

Chris #2

A name on one of Mac's posters. Computer nerds must stick together and there can be no doubt that Mac is paying homage to MI.net's very own media king and coder extraordinaire, chris. Sweetie, you didn't have to put him up on your wall, you know. All it takes to get on his good side is water a beer. He really is easy, unlike Parker in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Chris #3

Soccer dude at Hearst College. At least that's what the message says on Tony's door, where Chris reminds him of the game at 3 on Sunday. With big posters on his wall, Tony's a big fan...so why the f@#& does he call it soccer! It's football, dude! The beautiful game! Played mostly with the foot, not four tons of protective equipment grasping a pigskin. Chris reminds the rest of the world that the Yanks insist on going their own way in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo

Saint Christopher

A Christian holy man. The patron saint of travelers is in for a ride when Driver Ed buys his medal and then throws it away just to get some change. Ed jinxes his chances in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-grimsqueaker

Chuckles

An aborted nickname for Veronica by Logan. Did he realize that she doesn't laugh that often, or maybe that she wasn't a evil, murderous, scary clown? Or maybe clowns frighten him (like they do so many people) in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-alliterator

Chuya

A word that appears on page 86 of Priscilla's — a.k.a. Kendall — yearbook. Chuya? Who...what...where...is Chuya? Is Chuya really the name of a person who is associated with Handley High? According to the person who gathers the list of names for our Who's Who section, yes it is. According to the writer who is struggling to come up for a bio for this alleged person, Chuya is a river and mountain in Russia, therefore Chuya doesn't need a bio in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-wyk

Cindy

Another friend of Caitlin Ford. Except, maybe not any longer after Caitlin's skanky behavior in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Cindy #2

Another doll. The Brit alternative to Barbie, so less plastic surgery and top heaviness, and more cheap and cheerful, sort of like Madison and Mac. Mac's parents pondered between the names of the two dolls for their newborn babe, opting for Cindy. Thank god they didn't include other dolls on that list. Could we have liked Mac half as much if we'd learned her real name was Cabbage Patch Mackenzie in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb"?

-Inigo

Cindy #3

Freshman at Neptune High, the night of Shelly Pomroy's party. Considered easy, she had agreed with Dick to take Beaver's virginity that night. However, the girl had second thoughts, and better taste, and went home with Logan instead. All is revealed in 1.21 "A Trip to the Dentist."

-Inigo

Played by Billie Jones.
Cindy #4

Waitress at the Hut. Wow, Cindy must be a really popular name in Neptune. Or maybe the parents in Neptune are just really unimaginative. Cindy takes the cake (well, pie actually) in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-alliterator

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Indie rock band with the most self-consciously hip name, well, ever. I mean, really. "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah"? What does that even mean? It just screams, "No matter how much our music sucks, you won't be cool unless you listen to us and tell all your friends, BUT we can't actually get famous because then we won't be cool anymore." Max thinks he's cool, since he displays a CYHSY poster in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Polter-Cow

Sheriff Clapton
See Clapton, Sheriff
James Clark
See Clark, James
The Clash

A legendary English rock group that started in 1976. In 1979, they released an album called London Calling, which mixed together styles from rockabilly, '60s-style pop, lounge jazz, R&B, ska, rocksteady, hard rock, and reggae and revolutionized the rock scene. Three songs from that album, "Train in Vain," "The Clampdown," and "London Calling" are still played regularly on rock radio stations. Piz doesn't live by the river, but he was able to find the album for only a dollar in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-alliterator

Claudius

A character in Shakespeare's Hamlet. Claudius poisons the rightful king, and with the help of his minions Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed, he takes over Denmark until Hamlet can oust him and complete the circle of life. No...wait. That's The Lion King. Well, whatever. Cartoons, the works of the Bard, Doctor Who, what's the difference, right? Judging by the chalkboard, Claudius, along with the non-animated, -musical, and -fun version of his tale, is apparently being studied by Mr. Daniel's lit class in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-public displays of lust

Norris Clayton
See Clayton, Norris
Danny Cleaver
See Cleaver, Danny
Van Clemmons
 
Clerk

The hotel clerk that Nathan Woods questioned. Just because he had to serve him doesn't mean he has to like him in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator

Played by Kevin Gregg.
Clerk

Game parlor staff member. Probably disgusted by Veronica's clichéd idea of geek boy fantasies, he cutely rolls his eyes at her stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl disguise in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Bob Gunton.
Clete, the Crime-Fighting Canine

A dog who fights crime, kinda like Scruff McGruff. In Veronica's dream, Keith says that Lamb has to wear Clete's cape to all the elementary schools, showing that even in her dreams, Veronica metes out good punishments. We want to see Lamb in a cape in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-alliterator

Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel

A redneck hillbilly resident of Springfield, Cletus is married to his sister Brandine and has 31 children. Some might even have an IQ higher than 90. Cletus even has his own theme song:
Some folk'll never eat a skunk
and then again some folk'll,
like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel!

The only way James Bond could look like Cletus is if Wallace's tux was magical, which he says it is in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-alliterator

ClosetLand

Poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. board. Not one for cryptic metaphors or cleverly devised aliases, ClosetLand's username and thread title clearly state his or her situation. Here's hoping he or she gets some good tips in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-grimsqueaker

Clove

The servant who spends Beckett's Endgame wheeling his master round in futility. Hey. Kevin Hand, jobbing actor, gets to play him in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Clown

Neptune High Student. We can't blame him for wanting to take a picture with a shirtless Wallace Fennel, but doing so while Wallace is duct-taped to a flagpole is just plain mean. Maybe his thinning-on-top coif longs to be in the presence of a thick head of curly hair. Dude tries to be a badass with Veronica, but the sight of her switchblade shuts him up in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Randy Seidman.
Club Flush

A KRFF Hearst College radio show, hosted by the one and only Mercer Hayes. You have to admit, the name of his program upholds the same standards of base humor as Cap'n Krunk and Imitation Crab. However, while those pirate radio DJs were molested and nicknamed after a South Park character respectively, Mercer is only the owner of an illegal gambling establishment, the Benetian. He is suspected of being the Hearst rapist, though. We don't learn much about Flush in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon," but we learn more than enough in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-alliterator

All bios: 3.06 3.01
Johnnie Cochran
See Cochran, Johnnie
Jason Cohen
See Cohen, Jason
Cole
 
Joe College
See College, Joe
Collette

Attendee at the Mann-Kuhne non-wedding. Who? How'd she get in the credits? How'd she get a name when the hot guy who cleaned Terrence's cars and got lots of lines just gets "Detailer"? WTF? We reckoned that maybe she was Paul's sister, but a quick gander at the sides shows that she was Paul's ex, and a lawyer, and a character with a lot of lines at one point. Hmm. Who'd she piss off in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed"?

-Inigo

Played by Katherine Cunningham-Eves.
Nadia Comaneci
See Comaneci, Nadia
Conductor Frat Guy

Leader of the Greek Chorus serenading Pi Sig president Chip Diller after his unfortunate run-in with an Easter egg. Isn't it a relief to see that the maturity level of Neptune's kids rises exponentially after graduation? Imagine how Chip would have suffered had this been at Neptune High in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Kevin Foster.
Conductor's Buddy

Greek Chorus member. We can't quite decide what makes this guy uncooler: mocking a victim of sexual assault, or attacking a petite blonde in a food court brawl, but let's just say that neither make him look very gentlemanly in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Lee Smith.
Jackie Cook
 
Michael Cook
See Cook, Michael
Terrence Cook
 
Cookin_With_Luvin

Featured lady of premiereescorts.biz. She's 21 years old, measures 32C-23-34, stands 5'11", weighs 119 lbs, and is blonde-haired with brown eyes. Well, this won't do at all. 118 is the heaviest I'll hire. Mac and the Beav want a secret ingredient other than Luvin in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-marksoflove

Paul Cooper
See Cooper, Paul
Nancy Cooper
 
Coppertop

One of the gaming club screen names. It would make sense that Liam's nom de geek is Liamator. However, as he battles it out on the screen, he shows up as Coppertop. Go "Huh?" with us in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Cora
 
Corey

Market owner. And by "market," we mean "low-end convenience store patronized by less-than-savory clientele." And by "less-than-savory clientele," we mean strippers. Veronica and Tim Foyle likely won't be return customers after 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Corky

A fratboy at Pi Sigma. Is Corky dorky while reading Gorky? Does he watch Porky's while eating pork-y with a fork-y? Okay, now I'm stretching it. Corky puts a cork in it (well, considering he never shows, that's the assumption) in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Corny "Douglas"
 
Professor Corrigan
 
Hector Cortez
 
George Costanza
See Costanza, George
Kevin Costner
See Costner, Kevin
Carla Cotter
See Cotter, Carla
Jeff Cotter
See Cotter, Jeff
Peter Cottontail
See Cottontail, Peter
Courtney

Karaoke singer who bears an uncanny resemblance to the lead singer of the Dandy Warhols. He rains on Lars's parade and alludes to Veronica's romantic woes by reminding the patrons of the Hut that "LoVe Love Hurts." His appearance is not short and sweet to the soul in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Courtney Taylor.
Cow Poke

A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. Does this nickname mean he's a cowboy type from the Wild West, or is he simply a wild and crazy guy who likes to…um…penetrate full-figured women? We probably can't handle the truth, though we desperately want it, in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Judge Cramer
See Cramer, Judge
Jennings Crawford
See Crawford, Jennings
Joan Crawford
See Crawford, Joan
Larry Crawford
See Crawford, Larry
Nancy Crawford
See Crawford, Nancy
Franklin Crawford, III
See Crawford III, Franklin
Judge Crawford
See Crawford, Judge
Creedence Clearwater Revival

Rockabilly-cum-country band of the late sixties, early seventies. According to Lianne, their music goes with hot dogs and tater tots. This "Guide to Sounds to Eat By" is distilled, unlike Lianne, in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Hans Gerhard Creutzfeldt
See Creutzfeldt, Hans Gerhard
Jessica Crinkshaw
See Crinkshaw, Jessica
Cristopher

Sports star. "Cristopher" is another satisfied costumer of Curly's, who favors an indecipherable handwriting. Veronica finds his picture in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Sonny Crockett
See Crockett, Sonny
Miss Crockett
See Crockett, Miss
Thomas Crown
See Crown, Thomas
Tom Cruise
See Cruise, Tom
Anthony Thomas Cruz
See Cruz, Anthony Thomas
Crystal

09er with $50 to spare. She is a teenager looking for the goods on her mother. She is excited to learn that her mother sued for emancipation at sixteen before moving to Hollywood for bit parts in Z-movies. See her smile in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Katie LeClerc.
Gerald Cummings
See Cummings, Gerald
Cupid

God of love, banished to Earth until he can match up one hundred happy couples. Going by the name of Trevor Hale, he gets into all kinds of wacky trouble with his psychiatrist, Claire, and his roommate, Champ. Unbeknownst to him, but knownst to us, Rob Thomas is filming his every move, crafting his adventures into funny and insightful episode-length stories. Suddenly, A Big Cow from a Heavenly Barn destroys his entire existence. Jackie has the good taste to save his tales on her TiVo in 2.05 "Blast from the Past," and Veronica earns the moniker for no good reason in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.15 2.05
Curator

The man whose eyes pop out of his head on the sight of Van Gogh's Two Lovers. Neptune is such a special place. Curators. Auctioneers. What's the diff? None, as Keith leaves the valuable painting in the hands of a stranger with instructions to realize the value and donate the money to the Neptune Food Bank in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week"

-Inigo

Played by Koury Brown.
Curious Georgette

Vinnie's term of endearment for Veronica Mars. Never one for originality, Vinnie borrows from the Rey's Curious George books for little 'uns. In the popular stories, George's curiosity regularly got him into trouble, forcing the man in the yellow hat to rescue him. Hey! Did we see Keith in a yellow hat in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed"?

-Inigo

Michael Curry
See Curry, Michael
Ron Curtis
See Curtis, Ron
Curtis

Student and jock at Pan High. He gets one line and a drink in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

General George Custer
See Custer, General George
Customer

Hearst College student. Far from being only a lowly student assigned to write an essay about Jack London's favorite theme of man in his eternal, futile struggle against the forces of nature, he aims to solve one of the greatest literary mysteries of all time: did the manly-man author die of natural causes, or was he actually killed in a conspirative mercury poisoning? And here you thought majoring in English was dull! A library customer's vivid imagination might get the better of him in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Matthew Patrick Davis.
Customs Agent

A fella who likes to ask upfront about any contraband the visitors to Mexico might be carrying. We wonder if he really likes performing full cavity searches on guys like Ziggy in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-alliterator

Played by Chris Salcedo.
Cute as a Bug Manager

She agrees to hire Jackie at Java the Hut, only if Veronica promises to fire her if she sucks as a waitress. She's cute but non-confrontational and knows how to delegate in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-topanga

All bios: 2.19 2.01
Played by Meredith Roberts.
Cute Girl

Aesthetically pleasing female. Personally, she's not my type, and I'd rather write about her friend, but she doesn't get any lines, so, apparently, she's not IMPORTANT. She would likely say the same thing as Cute Girl here, who asks Logan about some sort of party in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Chevronne Burton.
Tina D'Amato
See D'Amato, Tina
Deputy Leo D'Amato
 
Angie Dahl
See Dahl, Angie
Deborah Daily
See Daily, Deborah
Daisy

A princess in the Super Mario Brothers-verse. Logan was beating Heather with her in Mario Kart. Daisy is more tomboyish than Princess Peach and likes to wear bright yellow dresses. Played by Samantha Mathis in the ill-fated Super Mario Brothers movie. It should probably be strange that Logan plays as Daisy, but it isn't in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-alliterator
Daisy #2

A supercomputer named after a flower. Or perhaps the Duke brothers' cousin. You know them Duke brothers...always getting into trouble involving a giant supercomputer and a bunch of fake Hearst IDs. Okay, not really. I doubt they would even know what a "computer" is, but Professor Winkler and Leon sure do in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-alliterator

Dakota

No, not that little girl who was in War of the Worlds with this guy, but rather a boy Little Leaguer whom Woody Goodman coaches. He's stepping in too much in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-alliterator

Mr. Dalton
See Dalton, Mr.
Johnny Damon
See Damon, Johnny
Dan

Mechanic at the Symbolic Motor Car Company. He doesn't know the name Veronica Mars, he wouldn't repair her car if she wanted him to, and he didn't really care for his colleague Curly all that much. One might almost think his service lacks something, if it weren't for a little clue Veronica discovers. Dan isn't very lively or friendly, but at least somewhat helpful in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Played by John Ciccolini.
Dan #2

A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. A simple name for what we presume is a simple kind of guy. He managed to score 200 points for his recent escapade, so the tried-and-true pick-up line, "Come here much?" must still work. We assume so in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Dance Team Advisor

The leader-apparent of the Pep Squad car wash encourages Veronica and Lilly to talk less and scrub more. Perhaps if Lilly had talked more, there would have been less of her to be scrubbed up from the Kane swimming pool. Gross, but true. Ms. Stay-Focused silences the girls in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Nicole Monica.
Daniella

Taut blonde in Taut Blonde. Or perhaps she's a taught blonde, which would be an oxymoron in most states. Unless she's truly not blonde in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Polter-Cow

Danielle

Party girl with taste. Like pretty much all of the female guests at the alterna-prom, Danielle isn't too keen to get close to Dick's, erm, hog. Applaud her on her good sense in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-grimsqueaker

Tom Daniels
See Daniels, Tom
Mrs. Daniels
See Daniels, Mrs.
Rick Danner
See Danner, Rick
Dante

Friend of Weevil. Probably a member of the PCH bikers and thus living on the wrong side of Neptune, Dante certainly knows inferno better than paradise. Weevil has got his number in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-grimsqueaker

Daphne

The pretty Scooby-Doo character who isn't Fred. Veronica aspires to be her in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Daphne #2

An escort's pseudonym. Was Sugar Jones trying to summon up images of a young redheaded mystery-solver when she gave this name to Cliff? Perhaps aware of a secret passion of Cliff's for girl detec- No, wait. That line of thought is a little disconcerting. Forget I mentioned it. In any case, Daphne is not someone's actual name in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Darcy

Casey Gant's ex-girlfriend. She reckons she was dumped so Casey could schtup a teacher in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Played by Courtnee Draper.
Darla

A member of PHAT and activist against Ed Argent and his bow-hunting lifestyle. She nearly tricks Veronica and Mac into shedding their clothes for the cause, but it's all an April Fool's joke (in January). We wonder if her last name is Morgendorffer in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-alliterator

Played by Adriana DeMeo.
Delores Darline
See Darline, Delores
Dr. Dave

Grief counselor. Veronica spent an hour every Thursday for six weeks staring at him across the ottoman. He's downtown. She was sent to him so she could forget all her worries, forget all her cares. But the lights were no brighter for her there. She'd have been better off if she'd listened to the music of the traffic of the city. Veronica lingers on the sidewalk where the neon lights are pretty in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Dave

Jackie's date. Is this handsome young man just an old friend to Jackie, or possibly more? Veronica has her suspicions in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang", but Jackie feels comfortable enough to mention him to Wallace in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Mr. Davenport
See Davenport, Mr.
David

Character in Lost in the Midst played by Jimmy Spain. We can't tell you anything about the character. We can't tell you anything about the play. Maybe they don't exist. Maybe Jimmy's credits are a lot like Jimmy. Not real. At least he had the wherewithal to give himself the lead in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Stanley Davidson
See Davidson, Stanley
Davis
See Davis,
Mr. Davis
See Davis, Mr.
Jeremy Davis
See Davis, Jeremy
David Daw
See Daw, David
Deputy Dawg
See Dawg, Deputy
Dawn
 
Dawn #2

Hearst College student and victim of rape. What better way to wake up the morning after a party than with roofies in your system and all your hair shaved off? Probably only ranks behind finding out a month later that the guy who did it to you is not only still running around free, but is making his habit a serial one. Dawn and Stacy have a nasty reason to bond in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Played by Cristina Balmores.
Bunny Day
See Day, Bunny
Jimmy Day
See Day, Jimmy
Walt Day
See Day, Walt
Day Laborer #2

Like his colleague and partner in not-so-serious crime, Spaniel Man, he displays an impressive pantomime talent when describing the dognapper's van to Veronica Mars — maybe a little too impressive, given that she is led to believe that Hans rides a white horse and likes to spank busty women in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Arturo Medina.
John De Lorean
See De Lorean, John
Constable Decker
See Decker, Constable
Declan

Member of the Fighting Fitzpatricks. This wannabe boxer practices his punching technique on the runt of the PCHers. Usually we would tell a big, mean bully such as Declan to pick on someone his own size, but considering the vertically-challenged, gym-adverse physique of some the PCHers, it might not be possible for the totally buff Declan to find a worthy adversary in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-wyk

George Dedlos
See Dedlos, George
DeeDee

Hearst student. We know she can measure time since she knows how long it takes for eight seconds to go by. Maybe, however, she rides bulls in her spare time, so that particular unit of time is quite noticeable. And as Dick learns, when you mess with the bullrider, you'll get the horns...of her boyfriend 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Mandy Gill.
Deep Throat

Washington Post informant who helped to break the Watergate story. Or a film starring Linda Lovelace about, uh, about...family-friendly site, family-friendly site. The ambiguity as to which D.T. Veronica is referring made Weevil blush in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo

Ellen DeGeneres
See DeGeneres, Ellen
Fern Delgado
 
Dr. Delmont
See Delmont, Dr.
Amelia DeLongpre
See DeLongpre, Amelia
Renny DeMouy
See DeMouy, Renny
Stephanie Denenberg
See Denenberg, Stephanie
Jessica Denney
See Denney, Jessica
Douglas Dennis
See Dennis, Douglas
Mallory Dent
 
Mrs. Denton
See Denton, Mrs.
Francois DePaul
See DePaul, Francois
Steven Depriest
See Depriest, Steven
Deputy

Man of the city. One of the countless hot cops of Balboa County, he makes Veronica and Duncan's ride back to Neptune a little more exciting in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Zadran Wali.
Deputy #2

Does the sheriff's bidding in Kretchmer County. He must be bucking for his boss's job, or just desperate to please, to work hard enough to find the few spots of blood left in the death cabin of Kendall Casablancas. However, any points scored for observation are lost in his failure to recognize a Vincent Van Gogh in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Played by Norman Black.
Derrick's Brother

Brother of Derrick Karr. He was injured in Iraq and can thus no longer use his legs. Though this instilled a sense of hatred for Arabs in his brother, Big Bro seems to have no enmity for them. His brother, however, has enmity enough for the both of them in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Eric Ladin.
Darryl Derryberry
See Derryberry, Darryl
Alan Dershowitz
See Dershowitz, Alan
Domonick Desante
See Desante, Domonick
Desk Clerk

Works reception at the Neptune Grand. When Veronica arrives all aflutter, she won't give up Mac's room number or ignore the "Do Not Disturb" instruction. She needs to go back to hotel management school as she was unable to recognize that Beaver was clearly a psycho. The desk clerk proves to be just as fallible as most of the Season Two audience in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.22 2.22
Played by Rebecca Rhae Larsen.
Desk Manager

A smarmy (we think) desk manager at a sweet (or should that be "suite"?) hotel where Veronica and Logan thought Lynn might be holing up. Called Jeeves by Logan, this clerk fails spectacularly to look anything like Stephen Fry in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-alliterator

Played by Paul D. Roberts.
Detailer

A man who loves to clean cars. But maybe he doesn't. Maybe he goes to bed dreading having to go to work in the morning and then wakes up feeling like there'd be nothing worse than having to clean one more single solitary car. And then maybe he goes to work and hates his entire day and can't wait to leave, but then he gets home and starts dreading work again...or maybe we're projecting just a little bit. The Detailer probably has a Magic Touch for cleaning cars for really rich men in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-funky-donut

Played by Gary Weeks.
Detroit Cobras

Rock band...from Detroit! They combine garage, rock, and soul and breathe new life into standards from the '50s and '60s. Primarily a cover band, they have one original song called "Hot Dog (Watch Me Eat)." We would actually like to see a cobra eat a hot dog. Why isn't that on YouTube? All we have is a DC poster on the wall of KRFF in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Polter-Cow

Devil Dave

Serial killer or acoustic guitar nerd? Look at him! Can there be any question? He strums in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Miss Devlin
See Devlin, Miss
Melvil Dewey
See Dewey, Melvil
Dex

Karaoke singer. Granted, his vocal art is more enthusiastic than awe inspiring, but rating him a meager "two" seems a little unfair in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Josh Temple.
Diamond Smugglers Lead Singer

Lead singer of the Diamond Smugglers, a famous Neil Diamond cover band. His real name is Steve McCarthy. The Diamond Smugglers play at the Pi Sigs' frat party, covering such Diamond hits as "Sweet Caroline" and "Thank the Lord for the Night Time." He also introduces Club Flush, setting off alarm bells in Sweet Veronica's head. Steve loves him some Diamond in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by Steve McCarthy.
Diamond Smugglers Singer

Diamond Smugglette. This pink-haired ingenue vamps her way through a concert at the Pi Sigs' frat party, singing her heart out to Neil Diamond classics. Along with the lead singer and the other chick, this Smugglette rocks the house in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by Brandy Ernst.
Diamond Smugglers Singer #2

Diamond Smugglette. This blonde-haired singer backs up the most Neil-Diamond-lovingest man to ever love Neil Diamond at the Pi Sigs' frat party. This Smugglette sings yesterday's songs in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Played by Julie Lowery.
Nick DiCintio
See DiCintio, Nick
Tom Dicintio
See Dicintio, Tom
Emily Dickinson
See Dickinson, Emily
Didden
See Didden,
Diddings
See Diddings,
Hank Diddon
See Diddon, Hank
Harry Diddon
See Diddon, Harry
Diefenbach
See Diefenbach,
Marlene Dietrich
See Dietrich, Marlene
Chip Diller
 
Matt Dillon
See Dillon, Matt
Dime's Flunky

A follower, hanger-on, myrmidon, right-hand man, lackey, serf, barnacle, bootlicker, sycophant, minion, slave. Basically Dime's girl Friday, but without all that sexual tension. We think. But he's a pretty funky flunky in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-alliterator

Played by Ray Auxais.
James Dirk
See Dirk, James
Walt Disney
See Disney, Walt
Distraught Woman

When her daughter goes missing, this mother vows to hold the entire sheriff's department responsible if she isn't found. Does that include Inga? Mama holds back tears in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-topanga

Played by Deanna Driscoll.
District Attorney

Neptune's prosecutor to Cliff's Perry Mason. Needless to say, things didn't go well in the career-making bikers' trial. We wondered if he still had a job as he had not been seen since 1.01 "Pilot" but he, or his successor, was around to drop the Toombs murder case against Logan in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.01 1.01
Played by Kirk Fogg.
DJ Hellfish

Hearst College Radio host. What is it with DJs and seafood-themed names on this show? We had a pirate inspired by a cereal, a substitute crustacean and now this dude, who probably thought his "clever" pun makes him seem "cool" or something. Some news, kid, it's not the name: begging people not to change the frequency when you've just started is a rather huge clue that it won't get good. Hellfish gets turned off in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-grimsqueaker

Django

Moon Calf Collective chef. His secret ingredient is love. Aww or eww, depending on your mileage. He smiles, he cooks, and he smiles some more in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Played by Farhang Pernoon.
Doctor

We would make the obvious joke about friendly, enigmatic doctors without names here, but really, how many references to obscure cult shows can you squeeze into one Who's Who? He could be a little more sonic — or at least wear a scarf — in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-marksoflove

Played by Bod Arnold.
Doctor #2

Email buddy of Veronica. Doctor who? Does he travel through time and space in a blue police box? How's he with sonic technology? Does he favor fluffy scarves or leather jackets? And what's he so happy about that causes him to email Veronica with a happy face for a subject line? The mysteries are almost overwhelming in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Doddie

PCH biker with an unusual name. Is he doddering? Is he dotty? Does he doddle? Does he doodle? De... I mean, we don't discover in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-alliterator

John Q. Doe
See Doe, John Q.
Jane Doe
See Doe, Jane
Mr. Tapz Dog
See Dog, Mr. Tapz
Dolce & Gabbana

Fashion designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana. Their clothes look good on the gorgeous Mrs. Casablancas in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang," and their junior escort study buddy collection helps Scarlett Reyes concentrate when she's learning with Sully in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 3.07 2.03
Doms

Name on a lock on a locker in autoshop. Um. That's it, really. There's not anything more to say. Further words would be superfluous. And possibly irritating. It could highlight the fact that the writers of the Who's Who bios often just can't think of anything witty or clever or funny to write — that we are creatively bankrupt. And that would be bad. Sometimes we can use something from the picture, but look at it! It's a lock on a locker in autoshop. Sometimes it's a matter of playing with the name, but Doms is sort of...just Doms. Although, thinking about it, it could be as in "Doms and Subs." Okay, now there's an angle. For those of you who need an education in extreme sexual practices—
Editor's note - No. Just no. We don't want to hear about it. And how the hell would you know anyway?
Well, there was this time...
Editor's note - You're so fired.
The locker in question, filled with paddles and whips whatever, shows up in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-Inigo

Don

News anchor. He shares the first name, though sadly not the screentime, of Sheriff Lamb, but no doubt he oversees the 5 Action News as capably as Lamb reigns his department. Don is neither seen nor heard in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-grimsqueaker

Mrs. Donaldson
See Donaldson, Mrs.
Mr. Donaldson
See Donaldson, Mr.
doornewaardHans
See doornewaardHans,
Doris

Not Mary Mooney. Trina Echolls confuses her biological mother with a character from The Simpsons, which is totally understandable. I do that constantly, right, Homer? An Alyson Hannigan character channels Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel for not the first time in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove

Doug

Weatherman at Channel 9 KTML and colleague of Martina Vasquez. According to the plug on Martina's webpage, Doug is on 24/7, which is a pretty impressive show of devotion to his craft. Maybe it's just a show of his devotion to the well-endowed anchor Martina, as displayed in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

Ryan Douglas
See Douglas, Ryan
Jocelyn Aardwick Douglas
See Douglas, Jocelyn Aardwick
Alan Douglas
See Douglas, Alan
Douglas

An astonishing car rental manager (he's employee of the month!), all Douglas wants is some serenity and maybe some peace of mind. What he gets is Stacy, who's no angel, for an employee. I bet he wishes he were a Next Top Model Slayer. Douglas jawohls in 2.06 "Rat Saw God." Firefly!

-alliterator

Played by Joss Whedon.
Jackson Douglas
See Douglas, Jackson
Robert Downey, Jr.
See Downey Jr., Robert
Suzy Doyle
See Doyle, Suzy
Ed Doyle
See Doyle, Ed
Bruno Doyle
See Doyle, Bruno
Jessie Doyle
See Doyle, Jessie
Randi Doyle
See Doyle, Randi
Mrs. Drake
See Drake, Mrs.
Carson Drew
See Drew, Carson
Nancy Drew
See Drew, Nancy
Drill Man

Fratboy on the Pi Sigma Sigma scoreboard. Given the subtlety of the Pi Sig Sig nicknames, we are sure this fraternity member either really wants to be in the army or he secretly dreams of being a maintenance worker. Drill Man is crafty in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Drina

An object of affection. Who is Drina? Why is she loved? It's not Jessie, that's for sure. She is unloved and sad. It's a fair bet that Drina's dad didn't drive off a cliff. And by whom is Drina loved? Somebody who can write, sort of, in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Driver

Of course, there are better ways to meet your favourite celebrities than hitting them head-on with a flower truck or obstructing their run from justice, but given what happened the last time Aaron Echolls got up close and personal with a fan, this guy isn't so much out of the ordinary. We wonder if he'll still get an autograph in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Dan McLellan.
Driver #2

Unintentional catalyst for adultery. This distracted yet polite Neptune driver may be reckless behind the wheel, but it's the seventh commandment that gets totaled after this driver careens into Keith's car in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-bethgee

Played by Brian Hatton.
Drugstore Clerk

Disgruntled pharmacy clerk selling "Super Titan" condoms. With just the slightest hesitation and an irked glance or three, this woman accuses Logan of embellishing the size of Logan Junior and pegs Cindy "Mac" MackenzieMac[char] as a ditzy co-ed with a fuzzy moral code. Her judgmental glances do little to disrupt the fun of the gang's Valentine's Day Scavenger Hunt in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-bethgee

Played by Wendy Worthington.
The Dude

Stoner bowler who wears a bathrobe and drinks White Russians. It's difficult to capture the essence of The Dude in ten words, but...I just did. The Dude abides in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

Duder

Alternate name for The Dude, possibly when drinking beer. Veronica gets in touch with her inner Duder in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

Hilary Duff
See Duff, Hilary
Luke Duke
See Duke, Luke
Alexander Dumas
See Dumas, Alexander
Leslie Dumass
See Dumass, Leslie
Mr. Dumass
See Dumass, Mr.
Mr. Dunn
See Dunn, Mr.
Ms. Dunne
See Dunne, Ms.
Mr. Duvall
See Duvall, Mr.
Tripp Duverre
See Duverre, Tripp
Dweeb

A library patron. C'mon, Veronica! Help him find a book! I mean, if he needs help, it must be, like, a really important book that's gone missing or has been misshelved or something. It could be the Case of the Missing Library Book! Well, I guess macking with Logan trumps helping the Dweeb in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-alliterator

Played by Alex Pakzad.
E-String Strangler

Misnomer given by the nickname-needy press to a Neptune serial killer chased in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Eagles

Band. Poor Keith, his slang is stuck in the seventies, along with Jackson Douglas's dad. The Eagles are remembered in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb" and 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Sarah Eames
See Eames, Sarah
Earl

Veronica's buddy who works at the impound yard. Troy is impressed that Veronica has a buddy named Earl, but he is positively excited to learn that Earl can get him a great deal on a good-times van in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Earl #2

Leo's partner in shadowing Gia Goodman on the commission of her father. Earl, just trying to be a better shadower, probably sits in the car and sings to himself:
Hi! my name is.. (What?) My name is.. (Who?)
My name is.. *scratches* Earl, lady
Hi! my game is.. (Huh?) My game is.. (What?)
My game is.. *scratches* to be shady
Ahem.. excuse me!
Can I not have your attention
For one second?

Earl's karma keeps him in park in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-Inigo

Earlimart

Band. All they ever do is sing. And get researched by Collin in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-Inigo

Easter Bunny

Holiday rabbit. When Aaron is acquitted of the murder of Lilly Kane, Veronica reveals the horrible truth: the Easter Bunny isn't real. Now the Easter Bunny hatches (geddit?) a plot to get its revenge. All we can say is, Veronica better watch which eggs she eats next Easter after 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-fickledame

Clint Eastwood
See Eastwood, Clint
Trina Echolls
 
Aaron Echolls
 
Logan Echolls
 
Lynn Echolls
 
Kt Echolls
See Echolls, Kt
Eddie

Another fireman, just like Adam. And, just like Adam, named for a friend-of-Rob's/ writer-on-Lost-type person — Edward Kitsis. The writer is probably flabby and pale. Our Eddie has muscles! Lust away, boys. He's in action in 1.01 "Pilot."

-wyk

Barbara Eden
See Eden, Barbara
Gregory Edgar
See Edgar, Gregory
Edie

Returned dog. Another dog-loving Neptune citizen got his canine back, thanks to the miracle of hard dollars. Dognapper Hans makes a profit in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Marvin Edisto
See Edisto, Marvin
Dr. Egostroke
See Egostroke, Dr.
El Diablo

Veronica's nickname for Weevil. Hey, since this episode involved a supercomputer and several cool gadgets, would it have hurt Rob to include a robot Weevil? That way, it could have been called El Diablo Robotico! Sadly, the Devil (or Weevil) didn't build a robot in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-alliterator

El Duderino

Alternate nombre for The Dude, possibly when drinking tequila. Veronica habla con El Duderino en 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

El Suave

A fratboy at Pi Sigma. Apparently, "El Suave" is Spanish for "The Smooth One," which is a pretty sweet nickname. However, considering this fratboy probably never earned that nickname, we feel it's more appropriate to call him "El Borracho" in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Pauline Elliot
See Elliot, Pauline
Fred Ellis
See Ellis, Fred
Jeffrey Ellis
See Ellis, Jeffrey
Elmer

The personification of a brand of glue. Was it named after this famous composer? Or was it named for this lispy hunter? Or how about this lovely little hamlet in New Jersey? No to all of the above. The glue was actually named after the fictional spouse of a fictional cow — Borden's famed mascot, Elsie. Madison doesn't want to get gooey gluey in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut

Elmire

Character in Tartuffe. She is played by Jenny, but due to a fine layer of Pam on the stage, we don't get to see her thespian skills in action in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Jennifer Segal.
Brad Elsey
See Elsey, Brad
Emily

Mother of Sarah Williams and wife of Randall. She is in for a distasteful denouement. What an amazing coincidence! Those of us not obsessed with Logan and/or Weevil have the exact same lemon-sucking reaction as Emily when we finish watching the woeful 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Eve Gordon.
Emmy

Plant-loving scientist who works with (or, rather, near) Pauline and Gil Thomas. Her ears are sensitive, leading her to steal Oscar's banana; her heart is sensitive, assuring Veronica that she would never impede with scientific progress, despite her competitive nature; and most of all, her nipples are sensitive, leading her to complain about the A/C in the lab. Emmy causes frustration for the animal-lovers and provides a few clues for Veronica in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-fulfilled

Played by Brittany Ishibashi.
En Vogue

Female singing group. This popular quartet from the ‘90s had mostly an R&B groove, but they weren't afraid to push the envelope when they recorded the heavy-metal-inspired "Free Your Mind." Mason urges Wallace to follow the group's advice: in other words, stop worrying so much about school. But Mason doesn't mention that Wallace's free education depends on using his free will to maintain a passing GPA in order to keep his free basketball scholarship. En Vogue is misrepresented in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

John Enbom, Sr.
See Enbom Sr., John
Dean Enbom
See Enbom, Dean
John Enbom
See Enbom, John
EnriqueFreaque69

Ibiza party girl. She wants to video chat with Veronica Mars who, somewhat surprisingly given the giveaway presence of a number one less than Wallace's purity rating, does not respond as one might expect to such an invitation. Instead, Veronica sets up her camera and beholds a European blonde who is not stripping, but rather responding to Veronica's request for information on Amelia DeLongpre in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Inigo

Played by Verina Marcel.
James Epstein
See Epstein, James
Sarah Epstein
See Epstein, Sarah
Ernest

Pomeranian named after a famous winemaker. Kind of a pretentious name for a dog, especially coming from famed humanitarian Selma Hearst Rose. Then again, Ernest is a Pomeranian in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-funky-donut

Jaime Escalante
See Escalante, Jaime
Esmerelda

A girl in Tijuana. Logan insisted he closed the deal with her in VIP. From the look on his face, this is most likely a euphemism for their having exchanged business cards...or something in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Cervando Esparza
See Esparza, Cervando
Amy Esparza
See Esparza, Amy
Dan Etheridge
See Etheridge, Dan
D. Etler
See Etler, D.
Evan

Business contact that the odious Roger Hearst is anxious to reach. Evan, he wants Evan, and his tantrum's so that he can hardly speak, and he seems to find the happiness he seeks when they're put together chatting cheek to cheek. Evan might even be wearing a top hat in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

Eve

Bibilical first woman and eater of forbidden fruit. Veronica is to Piz as Eve was to Adam...well, minus the giving of ribs, the banishment from paradise, and the begetting of all mankind. Given the enthusiastic reception to the Internet footage of Veronica and Piz "getting familiar," it's unlikely they sported the tastefully placed leaves of their Biblical counterparts to hide their naughty bits in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Ex-Con

Former inmate. He prevents Weevil from punching their boss — though he desperately deserves it. His sage advice to Weevil, that hitting an employer isn't worth an extra year in prison, is born of experience. Bruno plays an a ex-brute in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-funky-donut

Played by Bruno Amato.
Exene Cervenka and the Original Sinners

Band. If they were trying to imitate the popular David Fincher movie with their new album title, they got it wrong. See, the movie is Se7en. The numeral 7 functions AS the v. The album, however, is Sev7en. What the hell is that? How do you even say that? "Sevsevenen"? Regardless, the band and album appear to be KRFF-approved in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Carl Faberge
See Faberge, Carl
Fader#1

One of those that fade. She might be the red-haired singer-guitar player of the Faders. She can't stop this feeling, she can't run away, there's no escape for her from the Neptune High Homecoming dance. Baby, she's what's on our minds in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Toy Valentine.
Fader#2

Second toughest in the Faders. She might be the bass player, and do we have to spell it out in black and white? She looks gorgeous tonight. All the time we can hear her talking in our heads in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Cherisse Osei.
Fader#3

Presumably the drummer of the Faders. To quote a fictionalized Pete Best: drummers don't talk. You must have noticed that. Might as well just be deaf and dumb, drummers. When was the last time you heard a drummer say anything? You know why, don't you? 'Cause nobody ever f...adin' listens in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Molly Lorenne.
Faders

Band playing at the Neptune 2005 Homecoming Dance. Staying true to the ideal of "No Sleep Tonight," the Faders steadily play on while there is drama, heartbreak, and catfighting on the dance floor in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-grimsqueaker

Donald Fagan
See Fagan, Donald
Fantastic Sam

Fantastic Sams is a discount haircutting chain, although there must be a Sam there, somewhere, who is fantastic. It's where Kimmy goes when she is in need of a trim. Or wants to turn into Meg. All becomes clear in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo, wyk

Kiki Fantastico
See Fantastico, Kiki
Terry Farnham
See Farnham, Terry
Colin Farrell
See Farrell, Colin
Nadia Fassano
See Fassano, Nadia
Milt Fauver
See Fauver, Milt
Shanee Fauver
See Fauver, Shanee
Millie Fauver
See Fauver, Millie
Favorite Band Sucks T-Shirt

Neptune High Student. Voyeur-turned- psychologist, this kid gawks at the leaked crime scene video of the Lilly Kane murder, then asks, "How do you think that family feels?" We're guessing "not great." T-shirt boy acts sympathetic when Veronica is near in 1.01 "Pilot."

-topanga

Played by Elvin Lai.
Marguerite Federbush
See Federbush, Marguerite
Margaret Federbush
See Federbush, Margaret
FeeSpirited

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. forum who asks "Your first 'special' moment." Judging from his screenname, I'm guessing it probably has something to do with money and/or taxes. Are we sure that Kelly Kuzzio doesn't have TWO screennames in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings"?

-alliterator

Lionnel Feilspar
See Feilspar, Lionnel
Leslie Feist
See Feist, Leslie
FeistyFairy

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. forum who asked "how can i tell my parents"? I'm thinking you should use proper capitalization and punctuation when you do it. Also? Don't live in a fascist dystopian state. That only leads to head shaving and Guy Fawkes masks. V is for Vendetta, but C is for Coming Out in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-alliterator

Federico Fellini
See Fellini, Federico
Desmond Fellows
See Fellows, Desmond
Female Deputy

Proving that the Hot Cops of Balboa County don't always have to be of the male persuasion, this deputy capably brings justice closer to Aaron Echolls in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Michelle Wolff.
Female Officer

Female officer. Duh. That's her name! You can't expect a character who overdramatically rubs her neck and tilts her head to show that Parker doesn't remember anything about her rape to deserve a NAME, do you? Thankfully, she lets Lamb take over in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Erin Frigo.
Female Prisoner

One of the students taking part in Dr. Kinny's Abu Ghraib-lite experiment. Dubbed fat by jailer jerk Rafe, she probably lost a few pounds during her weekend of pig's knuckles and tinned fishies in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Played by Jovi Olivas.
James Feniress
See Feniress, James
P. Fenker
See Fenker, P.
Gary Fenlaw
See Fenlaw, Gary
Evva Fenley
See Fenley, Evva
Shlome Fenlon
See Fenlon, Shlome
Winny Fenlon
See Fenlon, Winny
Zack Fenlon
See Fenlon, Zack
Ronald Fenmore
See Fenmore, Ronald
Steve Fenmore
See Fenmore, Steve
Maggie Fenmore
See Fenmore, Maggie
Mrs. M.C. Fenmore
See Fenmore, Mrs. M.C.
L. Fenmore
See Fenmore, L.
K. Fenmore
See Fenmore, K.
George Fenn
See Fenn, George
Chuck Fenn
See Fenn, Chuck
H. Fenn
See Fenn, H.
John Fenn
See Fenn, John
Wallace Fennel
 
Alicia Fennel
 
Darrell Fennel
 
Hank Fennel
See Fennel, Hank
R. Fennell
See Fennell, R.
P. Fennell
See Fennell, P.
Mae Fennell
See Fennell, Mae
Ben Fennell
See Fennell, Ben
K. Fennell
See Fennell, K.
M. Fennell
See Fennell, M.
Melanie Fennell
See Fennell, Melanie
Charles Fennell
See Fennell, Charles
Kurt Fenstermacher
See Fenstermacher, Kurt
Pierre de Fermat
See Fermat, Pierre de
Peter Ferrer
 
Ferret Boy

Juvenile delinquent, sunbathing-girl ogler, stealer of stuff. Ferret Boy is the darker-haired boy on the left when the thieving J.D.s make their false report to Veronica and attempt to collect 100 bucks for stealing Piz's stuff in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-funky-donut

Played by Creagen Dow.
Judge Ferris
See Ferris, Judge
Fez

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. A fez is a red felt cap with a black tassel. It's been used in formal dress and military dress, and it looks smashing when paired with a velveteen smoking jacket. Piz has got enough hair that wearing a hat of any sort is not necessary, but that doesn't stop Desmond from branding him with the nickname in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

fiaryTailTrail

A recipient of the "Emission to Mars" email. Since "fiary" isn't a word, we're guessing that it's either a misspelling of "fiery" or "fairy." And since "fairy" implies...well, someone who wouldn't be interested in watching a naked Veronica, we're thinking the former is a more likely scenario. Mr. TailTrail is a bad speller and capitalizer in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Leonardo Fibonacci
See Fibonacci, Leonardo
Fido

Fake name for Selma Rose's Pomeranians. Really, Veronica, couldn't you have been a little more creative? You could have used Shakes or Lola, for instance. Of course, you were talking to Hallie, so you needed to be pretty obvious in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-funky-donut

Stacey Fields
See Fields, Stacey
Logan Fields
See Fields, Logan
Fievel

Russian immigrant mouse. He is sort of cute, but would anybody really want to look like him? Not according to Veronica, in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Barney Fife
See Fife, Barney
Rory Finch
See Finch, Rory
Ashley Findley
See Findley, Ashley
Nurse Finn
See Finn, Nurse
Fiona

Pseudonym for the girl who stole Max's heart. Her name may change on an almost-daily basis, but her heart's loyalties remain constant, even when Max can't make up his own mind about her, whatever her name may be, in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-fulfilled

Colin Firth
See Firth, Colin
Garret Fisher
See Fisher, Garret
F. Scott Fitzgerald
See Fitzgerald, F. Scott
Patrick Fitzpatrick
See Fitzpatrick, Patrick
Ciaran Fitzpatrick
See Fitzpatrick, Ciaran
Padraig Fitzpatrick
See Fitzpatrick, Padraig
Cormac Fitzpatrick
 
Liam Fitzpatrick
 
Molly Fitzpatrick
 
Heidi Fleiss
See Fleiss, Heidi
Victoria Fletcher
See Fletcher, Victoria
Richard Flinner
See Flinner, Richard
FloJo

What do three-time Olympic gold medallist Florence Griffith Joyner and Veronica Mars have in common? We're not sure, and quite frankly we're too distracted looking at Veronica's killer gams to look for the connection. Wallace makes the comparison in 1.01 "Pilot."

-wyk

Chris Flores
See Flores, Chris
Tanya Flynn
See Flynn, Tanya
Jessie Ford
See Ford, Jessie
Caitlin Ford
See Ford, Caitlin (but only if you really want to know).
Foreman

The foreman (duh!) of the new Shark Field Stadium and in charge of seeing its blowing-up go smoothly. He chastises Danny Boyd in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff" and then finds Thumper's bike inside in 2.17 "Plan B."

-alliterator

All bios: 2.17 2.16
Played by Richard Neil.
Tammy Forrester
See Forrester, Tammy
Fortinbras

Prince of Norway in Shakespeare's Hamlet, with a claim on the crown of Denmark. He disregards the gory, in his search for glory, 'til all is hunky dory and he ends the story. A bit of a bastard really, but a great name that looks good on the blackboard in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Timothy Foyle
 
John Frampton
See Frampton, John
Connie Francis
See Francis, Connie
Frank

A lost dog. We don't know much about Frank, but we do know that he loves bones. Or is it Bones? Both have that necessary done-to-death feel about them. Frank? Which is your way? It's not the way home, or else you wouldn't be Mr. April on the Dog Beach board in 1.19 "Hot Dogs.".

-Inigo

Frankie

Name on Piz's bowling shirt. One wonders who this Frankie is and why he let Piz borrow his shirt. Was it Frank Sinatra? Frankie Faison? Franky, the Goon's sidekick? Frances "Frankie" Foster from Foster's Home of Imaginary Friends? We only know that Piz is wearing his or her shirt in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-alliterator

Ben Franklin
See Franklin, Ben
Lucy Franks
See Franks, Lucy
E. Frankston
See Frankston, E.
Franz

Together with Kevin, he comes up on Planet Zowie when Keith searches for Papa's Cabin. It is under the heading "Paradise Called Oklahoma — Chapter 13." This appears to one of those homespun stories of great warmth and strong family values. I mean, listen to this: "Following him to the cabin, Franz unsheathed his—" What? Hey, all sorts of things can be unsheathed, you know. It doesn't have to be that! Now, may I continue? Ahem. "Strange rumblings sprang from beneath—" Oh. I give up. Read it for yourselves in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Mark Fraser
See Fraser, Mark
Frat Brother

Er, frat brother. You want more? Fine, he presumably attends Hearst College, given that he lives in the Pi Sigma Sigma house. Or, you know, "attends," since most frat brothers I've ever met rarely make it to class. Frat Brother (or F.B., as his buddies like to call him) gets to utter the immortal line "Can you believe what's going on outside?" in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Played by David Manning.
The Fray

Piano rock band. Yeah, apparently, that's a genre. These sensitive guys from Denver hit it big when "How to Save a Life" was used on Grey's Anatomy and Scrubs (both hospital shows: coincidence?). Puzzling, then, that such a mainstream sensation would grace the walls of KRFF in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow

Joe Frazier
See Frazier, Joe
Freako

Pi Sigma-ite. He's a moron participating in a game where he gets points for sexual conquests (or claimed sexual conquests). He has 200 points. He's probably overcompensating for some manner of inadequacy issues. But the only really important thing here is asking the question: is he a SUPER Freako? Nobody knows in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Fred

The pretty Scooby-Doo character who isn't Daphne. Veronica thought Wallace might aspire to be like him in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Fred #2

Friend of Max who helped set him up with Chelsea who was actually a hooker named Wendy who also stripped by the name Fiona. Fred seems a little clueless, so we're pretty sure he doesn't have a girlfriend named Daphne in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-alliterator

Played by Nathan Frizzell.
French Teacher

He's in charge of the carnival's dunk tank and spends hours watching a bikini-clad Jackie plunge into gallons of cold, probably dirty water over and over. Is this guy a perv? In any case, he stops Wallace's chivalrous deeds in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-topanga

Played by Denney Pierce.
Freshman boy

One of the victims of the Welcome Wagon gang, this kid is even worse off than Piz: while Wallace's new roomie could at least keep his car, and temporarily inherit a rich man's wardrobe, all he has left is his red orange light-red bike. That will surely elevate his status on campus in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Hector Anthony.
Mr. Friedrich
See Friedrich, Mr.
Sean Friedrich
 
Froggy

Onscreen chat name. Any Frenchmen around in 1.08 "Like a Virgin"?

-Inigo

Ashley Frohling
See Frohling, Ashley
Jack Frost
See Frost, Jack
Coach Dwight Fry
See Fry, Coach Dwight
Edwin Fuller
See Fuller, Edwin
Lynn Fuller
See Fuller, Lynn
Stuart Fuller
See Fuller, Stuart
Sabrina Fuller
See Fuller, Sabrina
Jessica Fuller
 
Jesse Fuller
See Fuller, Jesse
The Funster

The name of a bald Hearst College student and Pi Sigma Sigma fraternity brother. How do we know he is bald when all we see is his name on the PiSSheads "I scored" scoreboard? It's the score that tells the tale. Poor boy has nil points. And the cost of failing to nail a girl gets one a free haircut, as explained in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

Furious RA

The Resident Advisor from Mac's hall who gets angry at Dick for being...well, a dick. Even after he feigns being lost, she doesn't believe him. If looks could kill, hers would in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Played by Wana Lee.
G.

Mysterious being. Are we stuck in House of the Dead 2? Is G. leaving his bloodstains all over the place? Is G. even a guy? Is G. even HUMAN? DOES G. STAND FOR GIRAFFE?!?!?! That's the most plausible explanation. A giraffe entered Hearst and left a message on Anthony's whiteboard at some point before (or possibly during!) 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Polter-Cow

Kenny G.
See G., Kenny
Gabe

Runs Evermore Guitars. When he can be pulled away from pretending to be a rock god, he is everything you'd expect from a loser wannabe. We wonder if he surfs the net. He also snarks at Lamb. Does that mean he is not all bad in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb"?

-Inigo

Played by Steve Monroe.
Gabriel's Thunder

A horse, of course, of course. Why does Professor Grace Schaffer have Desmond Fellows' hotel-room TV tuned to horse racing? Does she expect he'll be quick out of the gate? A dark horse in the running for her affection? Hung like a...? Oh, never mind. The equine enigma is never explained in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

John Wayne Gacy
See Gacy, John Wayne
Dorothy Gale
See Gale, Dorothy
Gamegirl

Veronica's onscreen identity at the gaming club. Was the screenname "Badass Action Figure" already taken in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con"?

-wyk

Gamer/Theatergoer

Fan of Jimmy. Jimmy may neither be famous nor all that bright, but at least someone admires his bacon, er, Hamm in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Christopher T. Miller.
ganjabuddha

The Master of Mary Jane. The Sovereign of Smoke. The Great God of Grass. He's the Ganja Buddha! And he's probably eating some munchies and making his "special" butter while watching Veronica's "special" video (aptly and grossly titled, "Emission to Mars") that he received in an email. He's probably great friends with Corny, too, in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Bill Gant
See Gant, Bill
Casey Gant
 
Juanita Gant
See Gant, Juanita
Garfield

Cartoon cat. A cheesy grin, large eyes, and enormous back paws are coupled with a lazy wit and a lazier lifestyle in newspapers around the world, including those delivered to the 09er estates of Neptune. Spawning demons such as Garfield: The Movie, the comic strip led to an explosion of merchandise, none more ubiquitous than the stuffed version. In Neptune, it clings to the plastic windows of a high school student's jeep in 1.20 "M.A.D.," and the strip engages Duncan almost as much as the news that he killed his sister in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.22 1.20
William Garfield
See Garfield, William
Aaron Garrison, Jr.
See Garrison Jr., Aaron
Gary

Associate of Vincent Van Lowe. He is responsible for getting rid of Debra Villareal's car from outside Sabrina Fuller's house so Veronica doesn't pin Sabrina's harassment on Vincent. Gary gets his orders in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Jay Gatsby
See Gatsby, Jay
J. Geils
See Geils, J.
George

Not George-Michael or Boy George, but rather the leader of Jews for Jesus Semites for the Savior, a group with rather unfortunate initials, in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-alliterator

All bios: 3.17 3.17
Played by Jeremy Glazer.
Georgi

The maker of those fine, tasty express subs in the building next door to Madame Sophie's. Actually, we don't really know if s/h/it's subs are fine or tasty. They could be nasty and gross, although we doubt it, in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-alliterator

Georgia

Neptune High student and certainly on Wallace's mind. Wallace, you should make every effort to keep her around. Do you know how hard it is to find a cute, nice girlfriend who is shorter than you? She is the slightly thick but pretty and pleasant victim in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Kyla Pratt.
Gerry

Resident advisor at Lannigan Hall, San Diego State University. WTF!? Is it common for RAs to act as young and stupidly as their charges? Did he ever try to find out what the Silicon Mafia were up to or did he just want to keep chillin' in an absurd hat? Did Veronica know he'd be a pushover when she went for the keys to Grant Winters's room or was she just lucky in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con"?

-Inigo

Played by Brennan Taylor.
Gertrude

Hamlet's mom. She married her dead husband's brother within seconds minutes hours days weeks months of becoming a widow, freaking out her adolescent son. "Frailty, thy name is woman," says the bitter youth, condemning her rush to incestuous sheets. "Tosh," says Gertrude, "but come on over for some motherly love." Okay. We made up the second one. Gertrude's status is explored in English class in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Dave Gibbons
See Gibbons, Dave
Bryan Gibson
See Gibson, Bryan
Deputy Gills
 
Gilmore Girl

One of the two titular Lorelai Gilmores in Gilmore Girls. Oy with the pop culture references already! It's not like those coffee-drinking cuties known for their witty repartee have drastically increased the number of people seeing a certain crime-solving cutie known for her witty repartee. Besides, if Wallace were really a Gilmore girl, he would have found Logan's "half brother" a little more familiar. One thing we do know, however: Wallace would totally clean up at Al's Pancake World. Wallace does not, sadly, exclaim, "Copper boom!" in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Polter-Cow

Gina

Drama chick and student at Neptune High. Carmen convinces Tad to negotiate a deal for X with Seth on this girl's intelligence in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo

Mr. Ginsberg
See Ginsberg, Mr.
Girl

She takes the bomb hysteria sweeping Neptune High as an excuse to go home, raising suspicion that it is love of the beach that drives her away rather than fear of the school blowing up in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Anneka Nishijima.
Girl #2

A friend of Hannah's. She, er, likes large grey sweaters and pink shirts...and, uhm, fails to have a name. Yeah. She also informs Logan that Hannah has been sent to boarding school in Vermont in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Played by Reem Mahmood.
Howard Gitlin
See Gitlin, Howard
Tammy Gittelson
See Gittelson, Tammy
Lawrence Givens
See Givens, Lawrence
Glen

Sully's roommate. He may also be an evil hellgod named Bory. Glen is Bory. Now, do we suspect that Glen and Bory have some sort of connection? Nobody's very stoned, but we suspect Glen will be in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-alliterator

Played by Charlie Weber.
Glen #2

Unless Sully's skipped out and it's the same guy, another Hearst College roommate. This Glen shares his room with a rico suave nerd, giant posters of soccer players, and the smell that can only come from the rooms of those who partake of vast quantities of alcohol. At least he's got the TV to keep him warm in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo

GoalHole69

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P forum with a surprisingly dirty name who responded to ParaVISION's thread "I'm circumcised, have my been violated or infringed upon?" GoalHole might be providing some useful advice for the Paraster, but we'll never see in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-alliterator

Goat Boy

Pi Sigma Sigman. Perhaps if this satyrical fellow focused his saturnalia less on billy goats gruff and more on maidens fair, he'd have a frat score higher than nine points. Lechery is wasted on the...wait, is there a proper target for lechery? Anyway, it's there in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Dr. Godot
See Godot, Dr.
Goethals
See Goethals,
Lauren Goff
See Goff, Lauren
Mr. Gold
See Gold, Mr.
Justin Goldberg
See Goldberg, Justin
Goldilocks

Fairy tale about bestiality. Um, I mean, a girl with golden locks and three bears. Yeah. Veronica is definitely smarter than her in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Stanley Goldman
See Goldman, Stanley
Kenneth Goldman
See Goldman, Kenneth
Linda Goldman
See Goldman, Linda
Gollum

An ex-hobbit in J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings quadrilogy (Gollum was in the prequel, The Hobbit). Sauron's ring transformed Gollum from a nice hobbit into a twisted creature consumed with greed, willing to bite off anybody's fingers to get his hands on the ring. His mantra? "My preeeccccioooousss." For some reason Gorya "Gory" Sorokin feels like Gollum when holding the new Castle confessions. That's a bad metaphor, since we don't think it's the confessions that transformed them into greedy people. We're thinking that perhaps Logan should have bitten off Gory's finger to teach him a lesson: leave the geek culture references to the professionals. Unfortunately, there's no finger biting in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Jay Gomer
See Gomer, Jay
Mrs. Goodman
 
Woody Goodman
 
Rodney Goodman
 
Gia Goodman
 
Mr. Goodwood
See Goodwood, Mr.
Ramone Goose
See Goose, Ramone
Dylan Goran
See Goran, Dylan
Government Teacher

He tells his students to break up into groups of four, making Veronica the odd-woman-out. Did he bother to count the number of students in his class before making this humiliating request? Or was this fast-talking teacher daydreaming about the livestock auction he'd be calling later that day in Chino? No one is sure in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-topanga

Played by Tristan Poje.
Benita Graham
See Graham, Benita
Grandmonster

Publishing magnate and Casey's grandmother. The nickname? The senior Gants would call it affectionate. But what else would one expect from a leeching daughter and son-in-law? They are seen for what they are in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Ulysses S. Grant
See Grant, Ulysses S.
Great Triton

Leader of the Tritons. Or a figment of the imagination in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Nestor Greely
See Greely, Nestor
Harvey Greenblatt
 
Harry Greene
See Greene, Harry
Billy Greene
See Greene, Billy
Greenhornes

Garage rock revival band. These guys just couldn't let garage rock die in the '60s like all those people in Vietnam! Also, they can't spell. Clearly greenhorns to the English language, they have a poster seen in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Polter-Cow

William Griffen
See Griffen, William
Hannah Griffith
 
Dr. Tom Griffith
 
Howard Grigsby
See Grigsby, Howard
Mrs. Grimley
See Grimley, Mrs.
Josh Groban
See Groban, Josh
Adam Grossman
See Grossman, Adam
Grover

Missing dog, not to be mistaken for this other missing dog. They just accidentally look alike, really. It's not because they are both played by Kristen Bell's own dog, Shakes. Bell's lovable pointy-eared fur kid models Grover — and Shakes — in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

GrrlLOVER

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. who ponders, "gay, or just open?" That's a very good question, Ms. LOVER. If you enjoy the occasional grrl-on-grrl action, does that make you a total homosexual or just someone open to not using vowels once in a while? Reply to this topic in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

Grrrantula

The gaming club screen name of Grant Winters. Sailor Moon Veronica crushes him easily by simple means of turning traitor. That's our girl! He's pissed about that in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Guccio Gucci
See Gucci, Guccio
Guildenstern

Character in Hamlet. He is nought but a pawn, as unbeknownst to him, his enemy, Florin, has engaged one who takes pride in that prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition — starting a war. He is to be blamed for the murder of Buttercup and.... What? Oh, Guildenstern. Ah. He is nought but a pawn, as unbeknownst to him, his enemy, Hamlet, has engaged in that prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition — forgery. He and his friend are to be blamed for the fomenting of troubles between Denmark and England and are executed. The end. Life sucks when you're a minor character. Mr. Daniels should know in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Guy with Camera

This fan asks Logan, "Are you the son?" Did he really think Logan could be the Echolls's daughter? Give him points for bravery, not genius. He eventually gets a picture of Aaron and Logan in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-topanga

Played by Carey Scott.
Tucker Gwartz
See Gwartz, Tucker
Mae Hadwell
See Hadwell, Mae
Monica Hadwin
See Hadwin, Monica
Trevor Hale
See Hale, Trevor
Annie Hall
See Hall, Annie
John Hall
See Hall, John
Hall and Oates

Musical duo of the '70s and '80s. They, uh, rocked? This act was and might still be real (expect them on the next season of Hit Me Baby One More Time). Vincent Van Lowe might be a fan. But then you'd think he'd know which was which if he was a real fan. He sings their song "Private Eyes," badly. His performance rocks, not, in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Hamburglar

Part of a team of McDonald's mascots. Hamburglar was distinctive in that he always wore his jail outfit and yet we never saw him in jail. We're thinking he paid off Ronald McDonald somehow. And yet, he's still better than the Burger King King. Veronica wants Hamburglar-free glasses in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-alliterator

Bryce Hamilton
See Hamilton, Bryce
Adam Hamilton
See Hamilton, Adam
Vanessa Hamilton
See Hamilton, Vanessa
Yolanda Hamilton
See Hamilton, Yolanda
Hamlet

The original angry, screwed-up and screwed young man from the Shakespeare play of the same name. Hamlet battles with himself as he sways between angry vengeance and the need to do justice, struggling against doing the right thing for the wrong reason. Sound like anyone you know? Logan and Weevil let the lesson wash over them in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door", but there may be hope for them. They start to use their brains just as the play is revived at Neptune High. A coincidence? I think not. Judge for yourself in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.09 1.07
Hamm

Character in Beckett's Endgame. Jimmy Spain plays him, when not helping to con the terminally stupid, in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Victor Hammer
See Hammer, Victor
Ray Lee Hampstead
See Hampstead, Ray Lee
Kevin Hand
See Hand, Kevin
Hank

Not to be confused with Hank "Ziggy" Zigman, this is the Hank from Action News. Just give him a call and he'll send you the news in your very own handy video, or at least he does it for Veronica in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-Inigo

Hank #2

Character in Storm Warning. Wallace doesn't want to wait to watch Doris Day die in the old black-and-white movie if it means Keith and Alicia continue cooing and cuddling. He forces Alicia home before Hank's fate is determined in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Jill Hanks
See Hanks, Jill
Hans

Dog man with a van and low morals. Hans works at the dog pound and with JW, steals dogs for the reward money. On the side, he is collecting Dalmatian puppies for Cruella DeVille. At eighteen, he's looking forward to that community soap Veronica promises, after his taser massage, in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Played by Matthew Carey.
Hart Hanson
 
Happy

Big, scary dude. Also known as Mr. Happyfists. He enforces things for Wendy's madame. But he doesn't really seem too happy in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-funky-donut

Played by Windell D. Middlebrooks.
Mr. Happyfists
See Happyfists, Mr.
Joe Hardy
See Hardy, Joe
Frank Hardy
See Hardy, Frank
Dean Harlow
See Harlow, Dean
Mrs. Harmon
See Harmon, Mrs.
Emma Harris
See Harris, Emma
Nick Harris
See Harris, Nick
Harrison
See Harrison,
George Harrison
See Harrison, George
Harry

Apollo Bukenya's roommate. Having an English accent isn't enough to make Harry a blip on Veronica's radar when she first interviews Apollo, but she does tap him as a resource when Apollo starts avoiding her. Harry gives Veronica a spot of trouble when none of his suggestions to find his errant roommate pan out. Harry is quite the artful PI-dodger in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Tom Connolly.
Harry and David

Venerable maker of fine fruit baskets. Also inadvertently the maker of childhood drama. Logan recalls Aaron's pear-as-a-weapon abusive episode to Norman Phipps. Well, at least he can't accuse dear old Dad of being uncreative in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf.".

-bethgee

Coach Hart
See Hart, Coach
Darren Hartman
See Hartman, Darren
Josh Hartnett
See Hartnett, Josh
Walt Harvey
See Harvey, Walt
P.J. Harvey
See Harvey, P.J.
Madison Harwell
See Harwell, Madison
David Hasselhoff
See Hasselhoff, David
Mrs. Deborah Philipina Hauser
 
Albert Hauser
See Hauser, Albert
Sadie Hawkins
See Hawkins, Sadie
Grover Hayes
See Hayes, Grover
Hunter Hayes
See Hayes, Hunter
Mercer Hayes
 
Deputy Haymark
See Haymark, Deputy
Head Jerk

For being the head of jerks, he sure doesn't seem to say much besides, we think, "Who is this girl?" If we're not mistaken, he bears a striking resemblance to Lenny Sofer in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Jesse C. Boyd.
Carly Hearn
See Hearn, Carly
William Randolph Hearst
See Hearst, William Randolph
Roger Hearst
See Hearst, Roger
Heat Miser

Character from The Year Without Santa Claus. It performs a song which is one of Keith's favorite Christmas moments. Duncan is a fan too which is sweet. Until he starts to sing. Then Logan thinks about throwing up and our ears bleed in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo
Martin Heidegger
See Heidegger, Martin
Larry Heinrich
See Heinrich, Larry
Helicopter Pilot

The upgrade to the Bond villain's chauffeur, he flies Big Dick Casablancas to safety in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Ivor Shier.
Helm
See Helm,
Ernest Hemingway
See Hemingway, Ernest
Hendrich
See Hendrich,
Patrick Henry
See Henry, Patrick
Hermann Hesse
See Hesse, Hermann
Hester

One of Veronica's many aliases. Hester Prynne may have gotten in the family way with her local preacher man, but Veronica just uses the scarlet woman as a cover when faced with a pastor for the television age in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-starxdsparrow

Jennifer Love Hewitt
See Hewitt, Jennifer Love
Judge High Heels
See High Heels, Judge
Laura Hildebrand
See Hildebrand, Laura
Hildegard

A horse, of course. The Moon Calf Collective is nursing her to health in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Mrs. Hill
See Hill, Mrs.
Benny Hill
See Hill, Benny
Jonathan Hillhouse
See Hillhouse, Jonathan
Hillside Strangler

Serial killing double act. The yen of the press to create nicknames failed them in this case (there were two perps) and fails them in the case of Neptune's E-String Strangler (victims were not strangled). Accuracy not being Lamb's forte, the sheriff makes similar mistakes in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Paris Hilton
See Hilton, Paris
His Dudeness

Alternate moniker for The Dude, possibly when drinking Crown Royal. Veronica worships His Dudeness in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

Alfred Hitchcock
See Hitchcock, Alfred
Adolf Hitler
See Hitler, Adolf
Jilly Ho
See Ho, Jilly
Jimmy Hoffa
See Hoffa, Jimmy
Jimmy Hoffman
See Hoffman, Jimmy
Dustin Hoffman
See Hoffman, Dustin
Sherlock Holmes
See Holmes, Sherlock
Holst
See Holst,
Homeless Vet

No, not a homeless veterinarian, but a veteran (of what war is never stated, but we're thinking it either begins with a V or K or possibly G) formerly of the Marines. He may be homeless, but he has his pride. He doesn't have a lot of his pride, but he has enough to reject Logan's offer of a hundred bucks to participate in one of his bum fights in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-alliterator

Played by Reginald Ballard.
Hometown Honeys

Stick figures in lingerie. The magazine FHM (For Him Magazine, if you can believe it; a more misogynistic name has never been used except for perhaps Barefoot and Pregnant magazine) shows weekly "Hometown Honeys," fashion models from different towns across the good ol' US of A. Apollo Bukenya has a poster of one of them on his wall. So besides playing Grand Theft Auto, he likes looking at the ladies. Well, we can't blame him in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-alliterator

Jisoo Hong
See Hong, Jisoo
Robert Hooke
See Hooke, Robert
Dr. Hoover
See Hoover, Dr.
Horatio

Character in Hamlet. He is Hamlet's BFF, much like Wallace is Veronica's. But do you find Horatio running off in the middle of the play over personal issues, probably trying his luck at sea fighting the French with a blonder and much more British Lee Adama? Horatio sticks around to the bitter end in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-Inigo, grimsqueaker

All bios: 2.09 1.21 1.07
Horny

A Veronica alias nickname. In her persona of sports-crazy Betty, Veronica announces to the students at Pan High that she was Horny for the Rhinos at Riverdale. Does Veronica really chose Riverdale because of the Archie comics or because their team would be the Rhinos and she is feeling randy in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica"?

-Inigo

Deputy Horowitz
See Horowitz, Deputy
Samuel Horshack
See Horshack, Samuel
Jean Horton
See Horton, Jean
Frank Horvath
See Horvath, Frank
Paul H. Hoshi
See Hoshi, Paul H.
Hot MySpace Girl #2

A hot girl that Dick meets over the interweb. Her father does taxes for half of some sports team, and she claims she wants to bring Dick to one of said team's games, where she could show him the "tour" of her private "box." Of course, this is all a ruse for her to trap him and reveal her master plan: she was friends with Lisa and they were going to give some dissatisfaction to Dick in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Christina Ulloa.
Hotel Clerk

In her function as an informative bit character, she helpfully quenches Veronica's thirst for knowledge by telling her that there is neither a Mars nor a Fennel staying at her hotel. She even looks somewhat hot while doing it, proving that a lot of hard work, and careful posturing, can enhance even the smallest role. Watch out for this one in 1.20 "M.A.D.."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Anne Tran.
Hotel Manager

The man at the Neptune Grand. He is the man with the plan to extricate the hotel's rolling tables from where they stand immobile, burdened with congealed food in Logan's suite. This is a man of gravitas. This is a man of fine breeding. This is a man who should have a better reason to insist on entry to one of his guest rooms. It is downright undignified to have to say that the hotel is running out of salt and pepper shakers. The hotel manager is forced to eschew his disdain in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-Inigo

Played by John Bisom.
Kenny Houseman
See Houseman, Kenny
Whitney Houston
See Houston, Whitney
Howard

Prison guards go where they're sent, so pity poor Howard. He could have been posted to Cell Block H or watched over bad girls or been a witness to a redemption in Shawshank. He might have learned to appreciate birds in Alcatraz or that prison's geological nature or intricate tattoos. He might have enjoyed porridge with Paul Edgecomb or Father Ray. Best posting would have been to become #3, ditch the gun, and have a huge great bubble at his beck and call. Poor Howard. All he gets is a ten-second slot to escort Cormac Fitzpatrick out of jail in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Inigo

Played by John Zacchino.
Doogie Howser, M.D.
See Howser M.D., Doogie
Iris Huezo
See Huezo, Iris
Iris Huezo #2
See Huezo #2, Iris
Mrs. Huffman
See Huffman, Mrs.
Howard Hughes
See Hughes, Howard
The Hulk
See Hulk, The
Humpty

An imaginary PCH bike gang member invented by Veronica. Have Veronica's dealings with Weevil's gang resulted in her becoming acquainted with an especially protein-rich biker? One with an aversion to walls, perhaps? Or does one of Weevil's boys have a particular fondness for men on horses? Whatever the reason for this choice of epithet, Thumper seems quite displeased to be called such in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-public displays of lust

Pamela Hunsaker
See Hunsaker, Pamela
Jim Hunsaker
See Hunsaker, Jim
Will Hunting
See Hunting, Will
The Huntingdons
See Huntingdons, The
Albert Huntley
See Huntley, Albert
Gabe Huntley
See Huntley, Gabe
Huron

Graffiti star of one of the Balboa County Sheriff's Department interrogation rooms. At least, it seems more likely that the block caps on the wall refer to a person than to a Great Lake or an Indian tribe, whose name is derived from the French word for rough. The big question is this: why did Lamb allow someone in interrogation to write their name on the wall? Could it have anything to do with Lamb batting his eyelashes at Logan on the mention of a conjugal visit? Is Huron Lamb's bit of rough, snatching moments under cover of just a few more questions? Who knows? All is not revealed in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Inigo

Timothy Hutton
See Hutton, Timothy
Iago

Character from Shakespeare's Othello. A miscellany of posters decorate the walls and the fronts and sides of the lockers at Neptune High. Prominent amongst them is one celebrating the sly, manipulative, amoral villain of the Bard's tragedy:
I do hate him as I hate hell-pains.
And did you see the handkerchief.
Go out and cry a mutiny.
O, beware, my lord of jealously.

Pirate Pride gives way to English literature in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.07 1.01
Ice Cold Man

Creepy de-programmer. About as compassionate and warm as a Borg drone, he helps the Gants securing their income son's well-being in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Ray Proscia.
Ice Man

A character in the popular comic book Uncanny X-Me— oh, wait, wrong one. Actually, this Ice Man is a nickname for Chip Diller and probably an in-joke for Aaron Ashmore, whose twin brother played Iceman in the X-Men movies. There was also a play (and later movie) called The Iceman Cometh, though it's more likely Chip's referencing Val Kilmer's nickname in Top Gun than a Eugene O'Neill play in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Imitation Crab

Radio alias of Vincent "Butters" Clemmons. You'd think, wouldn't you, that given the opportunity to name yourself, you'd at least choose a title that doesn't imply you can't live up to crustacean standards. And yet, Butters is just the kind of self-deprecating out-of-the-box thinker AM 540 needs. Tri-corner hats off, o humble seafood! Vince is the Diet Coke, the margarine, the Splenda, the imitation crab of cool in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Imposing Guy

Very imposing man who works for the Madame. He's simply gigantic. When Madame needs to intimidate junior PIs and their clients, he's the go-to guy. Dude is about 8 feet tall, no exaggerating, so no wonder 5'1" Veronica might be a little intimidated by him in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-funky-donut, dutchmoxie

Played by Robert "Bonecrusher" Mokes.
Indigo Girl

One of two in a popular folk duo. And, did you hear? They're TOTALLY GAY. Which means that any sort of lesbian poetry demands a reference. Having been outed as a kindred spirit, Marlena Nichols is a little closer to fine in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

INS Agent

An agent for the Immigration and Naturalization Services, he
handcuffs and removes for being here with an expired visa. Unlike Veronica, this guy isn't charmed with Nasir's Omar Sharif-like charm, or perhaps he just never saw Doctor Zhivago in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Played by Chet Grissom.
iPod Girl

Kendall's nickname for Veronica. Someday, we hope to see The Adventures of iPod Girl and Her Waxy-Eared Boyfriend in comic shops, but it's not to be in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Isis

Cow. At the Moon Calf Collective. Veronica's utter lack of country know-how makes her an udder muddler in an otherwise rudderless 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Jack

Student at Neptune High. He is not as good a basketball player as Wallace, he's not as rich as the 09ers and he is not allergic to parrots or goats. This adds up to Jack being a dirty, low-down, game-fixing mascot-napper in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Christopher Babers.
David Jackson
See Jackson, David
Phil Jackson
See Jackson, Phil
Mick Jagger
See Jagger, Mick
Alfons Maria Jakob
See Jakob, Alfons Maria
James

Childhood friend of Apollo Bukenya. As a conscripted child soldier in Uganda, James was forced to murder Apollo's mother when the other soldiers realized that he knew Apollo. We'd try to make some witty joke, but it's really just too sad of a story in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-misskiwi

Rebecca James
 
LeBron James
See James, LeBron
Tracy James
See James, Tracy
Jamie

Gabrielle's older boyfriend from Blender, the L.A. nightclub. If her parents knew, they'd disown her. She sneaks out with Yolanda Hamilton for nookie in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Jamie #2

Gambling gopher of college casino king Mercer Hayes. This kid doesn't look old enough to play Old Maid, never mind poker. As for buying booze, even in liberal, corrupt Neptune, it's laughable. Yet Mercer sends him out for the vodka in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Jania

Girl whose friend is passed out on the dance floor. She's the kind of girl you want on your side: empathetic, caring, and kind, she wouldn't leave you stranded if you were drunk and would carry you to safety herself and make sure you're okay. Well, either that, or she'd call some rather shady characters to do the fireman's carry for her and try not to step on you while she's dancing. Her drunk friend gets Fern's royal treatment in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-fulfilled

Played by Jamie Chung.
Janitor

Janitor at Hearst College. All he did was get paid to clean the floor outside Tim Foyle's office, but he finds himself drawn into a life of illicit breaking and entering when Veronica gets her claws into him. Okay, so mostly he just lets her into Foyle's office when Veronica tearfully explains that she's Tim's adopted sister in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-ninamazing

Played by Wayne Nickel.
Jasmine

Neptune High student. Veronica's third customer for her thriving I Know What You Did Last Century, Mom and Dad business for errant teens in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Amber Ojeda.
Jasmine #2

Character in Aladdin on Ice. Debra Villareal is playing her on tour, whether it be in Omaha or in Europe. Veronica is a little confused in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Jasmine #3

Taut blonde in Taut Blonde. "Taut" is a synonym for "tight," which is the opposite of "loose." Wouldn't a loose blonde be more appropriate for this sort of publication? Why would a purveyor of pornography be interested in a woman who is ti...oh. Eww. How did the UPN censors miss this in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction"?

-Polter-Cow

Jason

Hearst College student and friend of Bronson. Logan took his place as Parker's partner in a Valentine's Day Scavenger Hunt when Jason was conveniently unavailable. Hmm. A little too convenient, if you ask me. Jason is obviously an agent planted by the anti-Logan/Veronica 'shippers as part of an elaborate plot to set up Logan and Parker in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-misskiwi

Jay

Basketball player at Hearst College. Playing as #23 in practice sessions at least, he is called upon by one of his teammates to get underneath the ball. Why? Well, either it is a direction to facilitate the playing of the sport, or his teammate is looking for something quite different for his ball in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-Inigo

Jeannie

The Jeannie with the light brown hair of song fame. Not to be confused with the genie with the so-light-brown-it's-blonde hair, played by Barbara Eden on I Dream of Jeannie. (Doo do doo doo do do. Damn, that theme song is hard to get out of your head.) Lars serenades his girlfriend and tortures the rest of us in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo, alliterator

Jeannie #2

Girlfriend of Lars, she likes her love expressed through karaoke. Unfortunately, she learns that Love Hurts (especially when Lars sings) in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator

Jeeves

Logan's name for the desk manager at the Sunset Regent hotel in Los Angeles. We could tell you about the fictional character — the stupid Bertie Wooster's very smart butler in Wodehouse's wonderful series on the idiocy and pomposity of the British upper classes — but why would we when we have our very own idiotic and pompous pretend Brit to celebrate? The desk manager goes from prickly prat to unctuous underling at the sparkle of a diamond ring. He is responsible for affiancing sugar puss Veronica and Logan, albeit briefly. He delights and appalls in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Jeff

Karaoke club opportunist and prat. (Noun. A fool, idiot or objectionable person. Originally meaning the buttocks.) He was offered twenty bucks to pretend to be the Great Triton in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Miss Jeffries
See Jeffries, Miss
Jen

Bachelorette babe and friend of Heidi Kuhne. Jen's a gem, as she had all the answers to the mystery of the missing bride had Veronica Mars but listened. She provided the novelty camera that captured Vincent Van Lowe, and she mentioned the ex-boyfriend Nick and the injury to his mother. But Little Miss "I want to be a well-known TV-forum moderator" told her to stay on topic in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Inigo

Played by Danielle Vernengo.
Jen #2

Hearst College student. There's always someone around to dime Veronica out when she's minding her own business, snooping and conniving to solve a mystery. Jen warns Stacy that Veronica is lying about her true motives in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Played by Einat Tubi.
Jen #3

Student at Hearst College who lives across the hall from Parker and Mac. Her roommate's name is Kim #5, and she might even be the same person as Jen #2. Seriously, VM gods, either introduce us to these people so we know whether they're all the same or not, or start giving them more creative names! These kids are of the Madison generation! Oh, wait... At least Jen's got more messages than that bitch Kim in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Jennifer

Hearst student and devout Christian. You've got a deserted frat house that has been witness to underage drinking, casual drug use, and lots and lots of monkey sex. What would Jesus do? Scrub down those walls, clear the plumbing lines of used prophylactics, and resurrect it as a residence for Christian students. Jennifer suggests just that in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-bethgee

Played by Jennifer Thomas.
Eric Jennings
See Jennings, Eric
Steven Jennings
See Jennings, Steven
Jenny

Hearst College theater props master. She can't come up with a solution for a sticky prank played by the film students, and her Molly Ringwald-goes-Molière wardrobe choice makes you wish for some nice chicken bones to throw at her. We would call her a tool, but the synchronised murderous glares she and her fellow thespians throw at wise-cracking Veronica almost make up for her dorkier tendencies in 3.05 "President Evil."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Jennifer Segal.
Ron Jeremy
See Jeremy, Ron
Jerk 09er

Teasing mentally challenged classmate Charlie endears this young man neither to Wallace Fennel, nor to us in 2.17 "Plan B."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Sabin Lomac.
Jerky Dude

Anxious that Neptune High's general asshat average might sink below a certain point, this guy enhances Carmen's social abandonment fears by mocking her with a popsicle. He lives up to his moniker in 1.20 "M.A.D.."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Andre Boyer.
Jerry

Boss of Carly Hearn and Marvin Chase. He is occupied with trying to get his "side project" Joe to "turn around" based on some "projections" he made at "bingo," at least according to Marvin. Right, whatever. Either he was really busy hitting on Joe, or all this dialogue was just filler so Keith could get an alleged money-shot that later turns out to be...not so much. So, Jerry and Joe and their tedious love story are really just background noise in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker

jesse441

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas who was sent the video of Veronica and Piz doing a reenactment of The Full Monty. If Jesse has a girl, we hope she doesn't know what kind of emails he gets forwarded by his buddies in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Jessica

Name of a college girl who advertises as one of a threesome in the X-rated classifieds. If Jessica's made it to college, does this mean that she can now tell the difference between chicken and tuna? Since she and June sell themselves as "three" college girls, the answer is probably not in the affirmative. Jessica continues to display her educational standards in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Jessica #2

Hearst College student. When Mason brings her by Wallace's room, she encourages him to watch a movie and study later. Her thousand-watt smile makes Wallace close the books in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Kimberly Barnett.
Jet

Rock band from Australia whose poster hangs in both Mac's and Piz's rooms. Mac shares her room with Parker, and Parker is certainly no cold hard bitch, but, oh, Hearst rapist, look what you've done! Did she really answer yes to "Are you gonna be my girl?" We hope you get what you need: a kick in the nuts from Fern Delgado in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon" or an uncomfortable dance with Liam in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-Polter-Cow

All bios: 3.07 3.01
Jezebel

Gamer name at Gameland. Although there is the appropriate handle Tedster available to him, Ted fights under the name Jezebel. Freud would love Ted, one of the gaming geeks in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Jim

A fake name for someone who already has a fake name. See, Norman Phipps is pretending to be Logan's half-brother, Charlie Stone. Then, for some unknown reason, Logan calls him Jim and implies they were with hookers when he sees Veronica. Really, I'm just as clueless about why Logan called Charlie Norman "Jim" as Logan was about Norman's real identity in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Jimmy

Victim or mourner? At the site of the makeshift memorials to the victims of the Neptune High School bus crash, one victim's shrine is marked with a heart and a name. Did Jimmy plunge to his death, or was Jimmy a friend, a relation, or a lover of someone who did? Knowing how people can be, he was probably just a phantom graffiti artist in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Jo Jo

A name on a whiteboard in the office of Hearst Free Press and probably not a pop singer. Given how fast and loose that paper's agenda-fueled editor is with responsible journalism, Jo Jo is no doubt out there somewhere on campus looking for dirt on the Greeks. Here's some for you, Jo Jo. Retsina is made of turpentine, Feta cheese smells, and Hercules was a wuss. Surprisingly, these headlines did not appear in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Joan

A student at Handley High with the real, though deceased, Kendall Shiflett. Sadly, her surname begins with an S, so Joan Crawford, Joan of Arc and Joan Collins jokes have no place here. Hey, I wonder if Handley High was in Arcadia? Will wonders ever cease in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks"?

-Inigo

Joan of Arc

Saint. Aaron gives Veronica a little history lesson before trying to burn her to death, you know, to make her feel in good company. But being the twisted S.O.B. he is, he tells her Joan had a brain tumor and didn't talk to God at all; that her death by fire was for nothing. He is seeking to make a point in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Joanna

Nude model for Andre. Of all the hot cast members to do a nude scene, the writers choose this two-scene guest star?! What an incredible waste of gratuitous nudity! She shows Veronica her ass-ets in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Deborah Zoe.
Joc

Purveyor of a beer that comes in a wide-mouthed bottle. The advertisement at Corey's Market shows a buxom buckaroo advertising the beverage, and it begs the question as to whether she's the big mouth Joc in question, or if she just favors the brew. Joc of course could be related to Joe, of Joe's Big Mouth fame. Joe's Big Mouth is the drink of choice of crafty little buggers everywhere, but there's no telling who's drinking Joc's in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-starxdsparrow

Joe

A name that decorates the wall of the unused dorm wing used by Dr. Kinny for his little experiments. Joe dealt with his prisoner/guard issues by writing "Joe was here" on the wall. Rhyme-mate Moe dealt with it by becoming a gourmand, as proved by his love for Oolong tea in the past and his offer of biscotti in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Joe #2

A side project of Jerry, according to Carly Hearn. Who? Exactly. See, Carly is about to try to seduce Marvin Chase, who is Keith's client Harmony's husband. Whew. All those words for stuff with so little import in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Joe #3

One of Desmond's babysitters before Piz took over. We wonder if "Joe" might have been an easier name for Desmond to remember than "Pus" "Plax" "Pez" "Fez" "Buzz" "La Paz" "Piz" in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-misskiwi

Joey

Presumed friend of Jenny Budosh. Perhaps another spoiled rich kid who still gets a kick out of petty theft, Joey leaves a message for his or her pal while Jenny is off skiing or fraternizing with other white-collar criminals. The name automatically prompts suspicion. Buttafuoco, Potter, the titular Concrete Blonde subject? Anyone past the age of twelve, man or woman, shouldn't be using this nickname. Joey — honey — Jenny's got — the money in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-bethgee

John

Anchor on the Navigator, Neptune High School's very own TV news station. Does he sing karaoke and have a hard time keeping a girlfriend too? John's calm yet chirpy demeanor disappears when his roving correspondent outs herself at the end of her news report. His look of horror indicates the brilliant career ahead of him at Fox News in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

Played by Nathan L Davis.
Sean John
See John, Sean
John #2

Fellow Space Ghost fan? Hallmate jonesing for Cheetos? Anthony's got lots of visitors in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-bethgee

Mr. Johnson
See Johnson, Mr.
Tammy Johnson
See Johnson, Tammy
Deputy Johnson
See Johnson, Deputy
Jonathan

Name on Wallace's whiteboard. Wallace has written himself a reminder to meet Jonathan on Friday, after such other tasks as "Learn to read" (Monday), "Learn to write my name" (Tuesday), and "Stop counting on toes" (Wednesday). We hope Jonathan is some kind of gifted tutor who can bridge the gap between learning to count past twenty and passing mechanical engineering in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-misskiwi

Deputy Jones
See Jones, Deputy
Spencer Jones
See Jones, Spencer
Gary Jones
See Jones, Gary
Indiana Jones
See Jones, Indiana
Sugar Jones
See Sugar...or Spice?
Terry Jones
See Jones, Terry
Jalisa Jones
See Jones, Jalisa
Erica Jong
See Jong, Erica
Michael Jordan
See Jordan, Michael
Josh

Cult leader and pointsettia grower. He heads the Moon Calf Collective. Josh must be evil as he encourages love and understanding and this is Neptune. He tries to persuade Veronica to open herself up and let other people inside. One of his six impossible things before breakfast? And so what if he cops a feel (Vrb phrs. Get a feel of something, often applied to a grope of a sexual nature. E.g."Is it any wonder that she reported him for sexual harrassment, he always copped a feel of her bottom whenever she walked past his desk.") at the same time in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid"?

-Inigo

Played by Chris William Martin.
Rhett Joulet
See Joulet, Rhett
Milla Jovovich
See Jovovich, Milla
Juanita

She can be found at the Hot Tamale in Tijuana. We're not quite sure what she did to Logan to make him go "aye-yi-yi-yi" but no doubt it was something spiritually exhausting. Is it wrong that we find a hung-over, on-the-verge-of-puking Logan still incredibly hot in in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody"?

-Inigo, wyk

Judas

Biblical betrayer. He's basically the worst guy of all time since he sold out Jesus for a measly thirty pieces of silver. Dante thinks he deserves to be eaten by Satan for all eternity! Piz seems to think Wallace deserves the same fate just for considering macking on the same hot chick that he wants to mack on in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow

Judge

Presiding over the biker case. This lady must have limited experience of the world. She has to ask what was going on in the sheriff's department vehicle outside the Seventh Veil. Anyone with eyes and a rudimentary knowledge of men's parts would know. The only virgin to appear in 1.01 "Pilot"?

-Inigo

Played by Annie Hinton.
Judy

One of the Ladies of the Evening who advertises her "Motherly Love." Judy, Judy, Judy, how...sweet? Will she make the dreams that you dare to dream come true? Will your troubles melt like lemon drops way above her...riding crops? Somehow, I don't think Judy is like a happy little bluebird in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-alliterator

Julia

Regular at the video store at which Justin Smith works. She just loves his movie recommendations. If only she loved anti-aging cream half as much, we wouldn't feel so bad for this rapidly-aging former Homicide detective. Another reason she drives ninety miles a week to satisfy her DVD rental addiction is exposed in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-wyk

Played by Melissa Leo.
Julia #2

Logan and Wallace's sociology classmate. Despite her hopes for a weekend in solitary confinement with her boyfriend Omar, she ended up a guard to his prisoner in the class experiment, and even teamed up with Wallace to trick Omar into revealing the top-secret information in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-fulfilled

Played by Delilah Andre.
Julie

Veronica's make-believe friend. Thoughts of Julie make Veronica perky. Or a little insane. She asks Renny DeMouy for Julie's password to wish her sweet sixteen in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo

Julio

Pomeranian belonging to Selma Hearst Rose. Along with his brother Ernest, Selma has named them after famous winemakers Ernest and Julio Gallo. One could make fun of Selma for being a snob, but another one would have to point out that, after some research, it appears that E&J were a great American success story, pulling themselves up by their bootstraps after the Depression and forging a huge California industry almost single-handedly. Another one wonders why all the ones and such. ANYwho, this Pomeranian is saddled with a silly name in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-funky-donut

Jumbo

A name on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. Either this nickname means he's fat or someone can't spell "Dumbo." We're think it might be a combination of the two in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Jumbo #2

A big, two-dimensional clown hanging high above the Neptune streets, keeping watch over Jumbo's Clown Wash. Hey, if this is a clown wash, why is Weevil washing cars? Shouldn't he be hosing down some scary dudes in oversized shoes, red noses, and creepy face-paint? Instead, Jumbo's pink-and-green hair and four oversized teeth presumably attract customers to Weevil's place of employment in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-fulfilled

Miss Jumpy
See Jumpy, Miss
June

Together with Jessica and A.N. Other, unless counting is not in the curriculum, one of the "Three College Girls" who offer...services. Exactly what those services are is not spelled out. The classified ad says, "We've got the only [something] Massage team specializing in the [something] [something] [something] [something] stimulate all the [something] glands and '[something] [something]' hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.... Do you get the point of what we're trying to get across to you? If so, give us a ring and we'll get [something] [something]!" Cow! Get away from that phone! For the curious, their number can be found in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

June of 44

Indie band on a poster in Max's room. If you think that the band's name comes from D-Day, June 6, 1944, like I did, well...you'd be wrong. It actually refers to Henry Miller's wife, June, and the year that Anaïs Nin began writing about June in her diaries, which is much more artistic and esoteric. No word on whether Max likes the band because they have a cool name, because of their math-rock style, or for some other reason, but he maintains his loyalty to this band, which broke up in 2000, in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-fulfilled

Mike Jurgensen
See Jurgensen, Mike
Juror (Foreman)

Speaker of dimwits. Look, we know that Aaron Echolls is a charming man, and his acting in the courtroom is ample proof that he deserves those two Oscars, but seriously, he killed Lilly Kane. With an ashtray. On purpose. All the acting in the world won't change that. Get with the program, guys! Alas, Aaron's performance trumps reason, as this woman's words attest in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Shelley Wenk.
JW

Balboa Animal Control worker and bad guy. Together with Hans, he kidnaps the dogs of the rich and returns only those whose owners offer large rewards. As for the rest, we don't want to think about it. We wish he'd resisted arrest because Leo was so up for giving him a smackdown in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Played by Theodore R. Mercer Jr..
Nicholas Kabat
See Kabat, Nicholas
Theodore John Kaczynski
See Kaczynski, Theodore John
Franz Kafka
See Kafka, Franz
Steve Kaiser
See Kaiser, Steve
Carrie Kaiser
See Kaiser, Carrie
Kim Kaiser
See Kaiser, Kim
Kajagoogoo

Musical act of the eighties. Male Barbies, they grew their hair and then walked into an ionizer. The result was a band whose pop wasn't so much bubblegum as hot air, second only to Sigue Sigue Sputnik. Bad band with bad hair notwithstanding, Trina was thrilled to hear them in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Lew Kalt
See Kalt, Lew
Pete Kaminski
See Kaminski, Pete
Boris Kane
See Kane, Boris
Duncan Kane
 
Jake Kane
 
Charles Foster Kane
See Kane, Charles Foster
Lilly Kane
 
Celeste Kane
 
Gilda Kane
See Kane, Gilda
Karamazov Brothers

Literary creations of Dostoevsky. The Brothers Karamazov is on one level the mystery of which of three sons murdered their father and on another, something else. We never really get to know as Mrs. Murphy tries in vain to get Ben to critique it. He wants to wait for the mini-series in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Karaoke MC

This enthusiastic host searches the crowd for Veronica Mars, who's been chosen to be next up on the karaoke mike. Mr. Karaoke knows talent in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-topanga

Played by Tim Altbaum.
Karen

Den mother for the Zeta Theta Betas. Loves her girls to death (although she's paid to say they're wonderful), throws a kickass tea party, and grows pot in the back room. Veronica uncovers her sorority secret — much to everyone's dismay. Fortunately, despite losing her painkillers and her job in a campus-wide scandal, her girls are able to raise enough money for another round of chemo. The highs and lows of Karen's life are chronicled in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week" and 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-fulfilled

All bios: 3.08 3.02
Played by Mary Chris Wall.
Karl

Nom de plume for one of a number of actors hired to play the part of the super-rich, super-fake beggar of money from the gullible in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Played by Alexander Scarlis.
Karl #2

Police sketch artist from San Diego. He is fond of Veronica but that doesn't stop him from giving her the horns. Is it wrong that we think the sketch of a bedeviled Veronica is kind of hot? Veronica, Jessica Rabbit ain't got nothin' on you in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo, wyk

Played by Scott Michael Morgan.
Derrick Karr
See Karr, Derrick
katchenup1

One of the usernames Lucky used to email Woody Goodman. Is Lucky a fan of Pulp Fiction? Is that why he chose this pun for a username? You of course recall Uma Thurman's joke for Fox Force Five about the family of tomatoes and the baby tomato being told to "Katchup"? Or maybe you don't. Lucky ended up with a red liquid on him that wasn't ketchup, however, in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator

Kate

Neptune High student. She tells her friend Jane about Wallace's kissing indiscretions. If she's one of those jealous friends who revels in others' pain, she might have said something like, "Girl, I told you he was no good. Kissing all over Jackie in the parking lot. Don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure I saw tongue. Hand to God, they were about to strip right there! Are you gonna be a fool and put up with that?" Of course, she could be the completely supportive friend Jane needs. We never see Kate or learn about their actual conversation, just its repercussions, in 2.17 "Plan B."

-topanga

Kato

What did Julie mean when she called Collin this? Was it some sort of reference to Kato Kaelin? Kato, Green Hornet's sidekick? Cato, Inspecter Clouseau's manservant? Julie needs to specify more in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Avi Kaufman
See Kaufman, Avi
Mr. Kavalos
See Kavalos, Mr.
Katie Keenan
See Keenan, Katie
Kelly

One of the gaming club screen names in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Kelly #2

The last victim of the E-String Strangler. She is rescued by Keith and Leo in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Misty Connelly.
Mark Kemink
See Kemink, Mark
Mike Kennedy
See Kennedy, Mike
John Fitzgerald Kennedy
See Kennedy, John Fitzgerald
Mars-Wan Kenobi
See Kenobi, Mars-Wan
Kermit the Frog

Amphibious crooner. So far, Kermit has been the only frog to ever sing a song nominated for an Academy Award. He's also made great strides towards interspecies marriage and frog-human relations. Bonnie gets his autograph on her whiteboard in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-starxdsparrow

Kevin

He'll help your mired fields of debt disappear! He'll get you out of Depressionville and into Debtfreeland! With his trusty partner Patricia #2, he'll take away all your problems and fears! Okay, we're probably exaggerating, but his ad (below the rapist's taunting one) is a little over the top as well. I mean, maybe I like it in Depressionville. I have all my stuff the way I like it in Depressionville! Wait, this isn't about me. Kevin advertises his debt-disappearing act in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Kevin #2

Together with Franz, he comes up on Planet Zowie when Keith searches for Papa's Cabin. He stars in the online tome Paradise Called Oklahoma which is sufficiently popular to have at least thirteen chapters. It's a tale of some derring-do: "Following him to the cabin, Franz unsheathed his...Strange rumblings sprang from beneath the foundation as Kevin and Franz attempted to phone papa to come rescue them...." Good to see that Planet Zowie throws up diverse entries in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-Inigo

Kid Rock

Metal-rap artist or something. Does Veronica really dream about meeting him every weekend for sensual massage and smoothies? Nah. She's just yanking Keith's chain. At least we hope she's kidding. She does mention the fact that she did want to marry Vanilla Ice in her youth. Veronica, stay away from these white, would-be rappers, especially at the Hedonism Lodge. The mention of Kid Rock does not impress Keith in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo

Margot Kidder
See Kidder, Margot
Søren Kierkegaard
See Kierkegaard, Søren
Kill_Zone

One of the gaming club screen names in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Killdozer

Noise rock band with the coolest name ever. Don't you want a Killdozer? It's a bulldozer...THAT KILLS! Thank you, Theodore Sturgeon. Killdozer the band sound like the weird non-radio-friendly music KRFF thrives on, hence the poster visible in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow

Killer

A chihuahua. Really. Stop laughing. Veronica wants to dress him in a sailor's outfit. Veronica, we hope you were joking about the sailor's outfit, otherwise your coolness factor dropped ten points in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo, wyk

Val Kilmer
See Kilmer, Val
Kim

A fellow partier at Heidi Kuhne's jam-packed Bacchanalia. She provides an important clue when she mentions her phone went missing, but Veronica unfortunately misses it. Ah well, I'm sure she had more than enough fun with the firemen to make up for it in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-fickledame

Played by Janora McDuffie.
Kim #2

One of Priscilla Bank's classmates. We're not sure which one she is, but we know she's definitely somewhere on the left. No, my left. My left, your right. No, your right. You know what, never mind. Kim's in the picture (somewhere) in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-alliterator

Kim #3

Jackie's mom. Oh, the web of lies that surround her! First she's a rich model living the high life in the Upper West Side, then she's a slightly transvestite-y looking waitress, literally left holding the baby. Bet she's regretting that one night stand with Terrence Cook, or perhaps letting her daughter run wild. At least her daughter returns to the flock for some hard labour in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-fickledame

Played by Glenda Redfield.
Kim #4

Name on the whiteboard on the door of Trish's room. She left a message, one that is illegible to this writer. What is it with people called Kim and our difficulty in understanding them? At least there was no sign that this Kim was testing nuclear weapons in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Kim #5

Roommate opposite Parker's room. Why are there so many Kims in the VM universe? There was Kim, one of Heidi Kuhne's friends; Kim #2, one of Priscilla Banks's classmates; Kim #3, Jackie's mom; and then there are Kim Jong-Il and Kimmy. What's next? L'il Kim? Kim Possible? Kim Basinger? Daniel Dae Kim? (Actually, that last one would be pretty cool.) The Kim army is added to in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-alliterator

Kim Jong-Il

To world peace what Britney and Kevin: Chaotic is to quality programming. The leader of North Korea will be toppled if Troy, Logan and Luke ever manage to remember their Tijuana brainstorming session of 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Kim's Friend

Friend of Kim Kaiser. She lets Veronica know that the role of Kim will be played by younger sister Carrie this evening. As fonts of useful information go, maybe she should have also told Veronica that it's smart to gather friendly reinforcements — who are already at the same party! — before rushing headlong into danger in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-leila6

Played by Whitney Anderson.
Kimmy

Wanna-Meg-be. First mistake: trying to compete with the oh-so-perfect Meg. Second mistake: French kissing the Frenchy. Third mistake: trying to outwit Veronica. Grab some popcorn you guys, this 09er smackdown is gonna be fun in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-wyk

Played by Anne Abrams.
Larry King
See King, Larry
Don King
See King, Don
King Kong

Big monkey. Or big money if Peter Jackson manages to replicate the success of his last three little efforts. The giant gorilla ain't got nothin' on Wallace in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due", and is imitated by Keith in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo, grimsqueaker

All bios: 2.03 1.02
King Lear

Tragic Shakespearean figure from the eponymous play. Veronica's choice for the results of the efforts of a million monkeys is no doubt influenced by her situation and her failure to read the product. Out vile Jell-O? Keith Mars learned long ago how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless protégé. With Veronica in his clutches, she's a girl more sinn'd against than sinning when as flies to wanton boys she is to the Sheriff, who would jail her for his sport in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Sam Kinison
See Kinison, Sam
Dr. Kinny
See Kinny, Dr.
James T. Kirk
See Kirk, James T.
Dennis Kirkpatrick
See Kirkpatrick, Dennis
KISSNKUZN

Screen name of Kelly Kuzzio on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. (Student Homosexual Internet Posting) board. The Kuzzio family's delight with the Ks and Zs in their own name alerts Veronica to the parallels between the anonymous KISSNKUZN and the Kelly clan car which bears the plate KUZZIKAN. It's a case of two plus what looks like a two adding up to four when she correctly discovers the identity of the poster who proclaimed "I can't take it anymore" in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

Tawny Kitaen
See Kitaen, Tawny
Deputy Kitsis
See Kitsis, Deputy
Travis Kittlemeyer
See Kittlemeyer, Travis
KIZZNKUZN

Poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. with a name suspiciously similar to that of Kelly Kuzzio. According to his post, he is torn apart by the conflict "gay, or just open?" Oh, KIZZ. Don't beat yourself up. You gotta have faith, like George Michael. Maeby you should first do some research into California law. Mr. KUZN's development seems a bit arrested in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

KJ

Kirk James? Kerry Jamiaca? Kreepy Jerk? Who is this mysterious person who left the note "Call me so we can hit the town, lady" on Rose's door? And why does she hate towns so much? KJ leaves ambigious messages in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Hadley Klein
See Klein, Hadley
klembomb313

Explosive duo? This address has a non-Hearst domain, which means that Dick could have sent a sexy video to a certain pair of writers who share not only a portmanteau but perhaps an email address. The real mystery is not how he could pull that off, but how there could be 312 other klembombs. Klembom get a shoutout in the Thomggiero-penned 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Phil Klemmer
See Klemmer, Phil
Brian Klemmer
See Klemmer, Brian
Chuck Klosterman
See Klosterman, Chuck
kmarsPI

Keith Mars' email account. So...the "k" stands for Keith. The "mars" is...Mars. It's a fair bet that "PI" stands for "private investigator." Direct. Straightforward. Descriptive. Not particularly humorous or clever. Just like this bio. Keith has an email account in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-public displays of lust

Susan Knight
See Knight, Susan
Knitting Grandmother

Member of the jury. She's the "feisty" one, the juror who holds out her vote. However, she's no Henry Fonda in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Ivonne Coll.
Kobe

Bored inmate with a magic marker. Kobe probably wished he were in Japan, and not in Lamb's holding cell, when he signed the wall. Aaron Echolls might be thinking the same in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-grimsqueaker

Theo Kojak
See Kojak, Theo
Kon_Artist

Yet another of the gaming club screen names in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Abel Koontz
 
Stella Koontz
See Koontz, Stella
Sarah Kramer
See Kramer, Sarah
John Kretchmer
See Kretchmer, John
Sabirah Krimani
See Krimani, Sabirah
Rashad Krimani
See Krimani, Rashad
Amira Krimani
See Krimani, Amira
Kris Kringle

Aka Santa Claus. Logan supposes Kringle could have made off with the poker cash as far as the drunken Duncan knew. Hee! Drunken Duncan! He makes an appearance, although sadly Kris Kringle does not, in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Kristi

Taut blonde in Taut Blonde. Or perhaps she's a tot blonde, which would be illegal in most states. Either way, she must be a hot blonde in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Polter-Cow

Jane Kuhne
 
Heidi Kuhne
See Kuhne, Heidi
kumarSales

Email correspondent of Woody Goodman. What can be gleaned from the scant information we have on the mysterious "kumarSales?" Well, it can be assumed that they are selling something. Perhaps something Woody bought for nefarious purposes. Perhaps something that he feigned unhappiness with and then complained about in order to get insight into the inner workings of the rival corporation that he needs to take down to further his own interests! Yes, that's right. Kumar sells White Castle burgers (far superior to Woody burgers, clearly) in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-public displays of lust

Akira Kurosawa
See Kurosawa, Akira
N. Kusak
See Kusak, N.
Ashton Kutcher
See Kutcher, Ashton
Kelly Kuzzio
 
Boyd L.
See L., Boyd
La Paz

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Desmond is nothing if not geographically accurate — La Paz is the capital of Bolivia. El Piz, however, can't even capitalize on the number of chicks Desmond almost gets naked when Deputy Sacks busts up the skinny dipping in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Becky Lacey
See Lacey, Becky
Lacey

Whiteboard tagger. She was at Bonnie's door, and apparently, she was smiling about it. Lacey spreads the love in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-starxdsparrow

Nick Lachey
See Lachey, Nick
Laertes

In Shakespeare's Hamlet, he is the son of the slain-by-mistake Polonius, the brother of the suicidal Ophelia, and the foil to Hamlet, until he and Hamlet kill each other. If Logan and Weevil had jumped into Lilly's open grave to fight over who loved her more, they could have been modern counterparts of the tragic young men. Instead, the 09er and the biker just observe the quick and the dead in English class in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

All bios: 1.12 1.07
Sheriff Don Lamb
 
Dawn Lamb
See Lamb, Dawn
Rhonda Landers
See Landers, Rhonda
Natalie Landers
See Landers, Natalie
Doris Landers
See Landers, Doris
Mr. Landon
See Landon, Mr.
Professor Hank Landry
 
Brewer Landry
See Landry, Brewer
Mr. Lang
See Lang, Mr.
Connor Larkin
See Larkin, Connor
Larry

One of Trish and Kurt's "artist" "friends." Given the "quality" of Larry's "artwork," it should offend Trish greatly that he uses her likeness as his muse. It also shouldn't be too surprising to discover that he "borrowed" Kurt's playbook to ensure some "lucky" bets on the football game, suddenly making it a lot easier to pay his tuition bill. Larry finds himself unexpectedly short on paint money when Veronica thwarts his plans in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-fulfilled

Played by Erik Eidem.
Lars
 
Chesty LaRue
See LaRue, Chesty
Estée Lauder
See Lauder, Estée
Cyndi Lauper
See Lauper, Cyndi
Lauren

Logan as a girl. You've seen those little skips, hops and jumps. What else can explain the boy's gayness? And all because Rosie Perez gave him a purse. The truth comes out of the closet in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Avril Lavigne
See Lavigne, Avril
Ethan Lavoie
 
Jude Law
See Law, Jude
Johnny Law
See Law, Johnny
Jaime Leahy
See Leahy, Jaime
Jeffrey Lebowski
See Lebowski, Jeffrey
Hannibal Lecter
See Lecter, Hannibal
Sara Lee
See Lee, Sara
Mr. Lee
See Lee, Mr.
Bruce Lee
See Lee, Bruce
Bill Lee
See Lee, Bill
Lee

Owner of Lee's Walk-In Donuts, Neptune's answer to Al's Pancake World. We're not entirely sure what the nature of his establishment is. Does he make donuts so large you can walk into them? If you walk in, do you get a donut? Is there no drive-thru? And can someone with a law degree explain what in tarnation a lien is? Cliff brings up having helped Veronica put one against the donut shop in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Polter-Cow

Mrs. Lee
 
Parker Lee
 
Chanter Legris
See Legris, Chanter
John Lennon
See Lennon, John
Jay Leno
See Leno, Jay
Catherine Lenova
See Lenova, Catherine
Leon

Mechanical engineering student who vaaants to suuuck your blooooood. Or so his supervisor would have Veronica believe when she needs his cryptography expertise, since Leon's work habits are primarily nocturnal. Of course, when you're a graduate student wedged into a windowless basement office, your sense of time tends to go a little wonky, and it certainly doesn't help with the pastiness. Or, um, so I've heard. Leon either curses his windowless existence or has an abnormal fear of garlic toast in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-misskiwi

Played by Jerry Shea.
LeonyPony

Poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. board. This person's thread title could refer to a lot of possible contents, but with our minds firmly planted in the gutter, we are guessing the descriptions of that first special moment are either poetical, crude, or baseball metaphors. Frank discussion might take place on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. board in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-grimsqueaker

Leroy

A name and a number in a matchbook. Lilly created it to get at Celeste. Veronica recalls more life with Lilly in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Carrie Ann Leskey
See Leskey, Carrie Ann
Letters Organize

Hardcore punk band. Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhh!!!! Letters letters organize!!! I like to take my letters and I put them in an order like the %&#$ing alphabet now I'm running for the border! Seriously, kids, you sound like a bunch of rebel secretaries. How did your poster earn a coveted spot on the KRFF door in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes"?

-Polter-Cow

Lev

Member of a completely legitimate business establishment. Moider? Who said anything about moider? Those two bodies, they, uh, fell offa da truck. The thing with the woodshop and the heavy garbage bags is got nuthin' to do with nuthin'. My associate and I were merely...cleaning up after some rats. Didn't nobody get whacked. Who you talkin' to? I said, who you talkin' to? Was it my weasel of a nephew? I bet he's got a big mouth in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Dr. Al Levine
 
Liz Levine
See Levine, Liz
Adam Levine
See Levine, Adam
Jodie Levine
See Levine, Jodie
Melissa Lewis
See Lewis, Melissa
Liam

Con artist and computer genius. With Grant Winters, he scams money from suckers to fund the software development of a video game that is set to shake the earth's foundations. What is it with geeks and hyperbole? He gets his comeuppance in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Played by Robert Baker.
Liamator

One of the gaming club screen names. It would make sense that it is Liam's nom de geek but in another scene he appears to be Coppertop. Go "Huh?" with us in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

LifeIsABeach

Onscreen chat name. It is used by Veronica pretending to be Kimmy who wants to be Meg who is wrongfully accused of being a slut by her purer-than-Snow White boyfriend who turns out to be a pig. The chat is chatty in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-wyk

Gordon Lightfoot
See Lightfoot, Gordon
Lightning Mike

Homeless man from Balboa Park. Logan recruits him for his bum fights in his misguided attempt to win Time magazine's Man-of-the-Year cover. The amateur boxing takes off in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-Inigo

Limo Driver

Unfortunately, this long-lost twin of Captain Kangaroo doesn't have Wallace's skills for driving a getaway car and gets Wallace busted in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-topanga

Played by Ben DiGregorio.
Linda

Caterer to the Hearst College reception. She serves information seasoned with light snark, in the proud tradition of caterers interviewed by private detectives named Mars. That's really all we learn about Linda in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Linda Bailey Walsh.
Lindbergh baby

Kidnapped and murdered son of flying hero and possible part-time Nazi Charles Lindbergh. Veronica is way too young to be involved in this tragic cause celebré of 1932, so is the baby really what Lamb is searching for in her locker in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons"?

-Inigo

Herbert Lindsay
See Lindsay, Herbert
Lisa

A Veronica alias, a sorority skank. Crabs, Veronica? What with crab puffs at the Echolls funeral wake and Veronica's attempt to find Ben Bloom, those little guys are all over the place in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Lisa #2

The name on the whiteboard opposite Mac's and Parker's room. Is Bart's sister all grown up and going to college now? Is Lisa Kudrow slumming it? Or perhaps she's just some random girl named Lisa. Okay, that's probably it in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Lisa #3

Message leaver for Anthony Martin. Probably not as smart as Simpson, as hip as Loeb, or as mysterious as Mona, this Lisa is looking for Anthony in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-bethgee

Lisa #4

Hot MySpace girl with an intelligence that belies her having a MySpace page. Dick thinks he is onto a good thing when he invites her and another chick as his date to Parker's birthday party whereupon he can check out which is hotter before dumping the other one. His plan succeeds beyond his wildest dreams when the two meet and promise him Doublemint heaven. Of course, they're kidding. Unlike Dick, the girls are not fools and, being Internet friends, knew from the start what he was up to. They dump his sorry ass, leaving him only with a bucket of ice for comfort in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Inigo

Played by Amy Main.
The Little Ones

Jaunty indie popsters from California. They subscribe to Uncle Lee's Rule of Feet, to whit: "a song was deemed appropriate if, and only if each of the Little Ones' feet could shuffle." The crayon-esque cover of their Sing Song EP graces the walls of Hearst College Radio's outer office, amongst the punksters and the rocksters and the down-and-dirty clubsters in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity." A track from it, "Lovers Who Uncover," is the musical accompaniment to Kama Sutra contortions in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-Inigo

All bios: 3.14 3.06
Lizette

Hooker who made a quick grand at the Neptune Grand. She's a full-service escort, willing to take on both Logan and Veronica. It might come at cost, but Logan doesn't seem to mind the extra cash. She was the uncalled-for call girl in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Julia Lehman.
Leonard Lobo
 
Alison Lohman
See Lohman, Alison
Lois

Clarence Wiedman's assistant. She gets his calls and tends his plants in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Lola

Dognapped canine. Veronica rescues Kristen Bell's dog in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Lola #2

A dog on a poster on a computer screen. Probably based on Kristen Bell's real-life dog, Lola witnesses the first recorded business meeting of Mac and Beaver. This should be the beginning of a beautiful friendship in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-grimsqueaker

Lolita

A character in a book by Vladimir Nabokov about an older man obsessed with a teenage seductress. Veronica's imitation is more Valley-girlish, so she would be Whoa-lita. Though perhaps with the sadness she feels, she would be Woe-lita. Or maybe with her new position at Mars Investigations, she would be Quid-Pro-Quo-lita. Or Apropos-lita. Hey, if she were a Star Wars fan, she would be A-Long-Long-Time-Ago-lita! Okay, that's enough. Veronica is the light of my fire, fire of my loins shows her seductress side in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Jack London
See London, Jack
London

Veronica's alter-ego. In that ridiculous great tradition that gives us Chelsea Clinton, Brooklyn Beckham and Paris Hilton, Veronica tells Wallace Fennel that she has adopted the name and grown four inches in the nineteen hours since she last sent him an email. Does this mean that Keith and Lianne honeymooned in England's fair capital? Was Jake Kane there too? And really, can Veronica London be surprised that Wallace isn't responding when all she ever talks about is "me, me, ME"? No response is forthcoming, even to this staggering news, in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Inigo

Lonely Telescope Guy

Completely average Logan fangirl Pervert. Logan thinks his Peeping Tom neighbor is just yearning for him to take his shirt off, but we assume he is simply bed-ridden, bored, and hoping that if he only waits long enough, yet another Echolls will slay his lover, but this time right before his watchful lens in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker

Webster Long
See Long, Webster
P.W. Long
See Long, P.W.
The Loons

Band. They're just another mile away with their face out of phase in the ballroom of the unawake. The cry of the madman means friends forever and you won't be the fool. Mike is a lonely friend with their poster in his wall in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Jennifer Lopez
See Lopez, Jennifer
Lorenzo

Pilates trainer of Kendall Casablancas. Can he keep up with her marvelous energy? We don't find out in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Peter Lorre
See Lorre, Peter
Greg Louganis
See Louganis, Greg
Louie

Bridget's toy spaniel. Veronica rescues the dog and traps the nappers in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Louis

Roommate of Domonick Desante. According to the whiteboard on his door, Louis [heart]'s you if you're single, has a friend named "Lovebone" who wants to "ride the creep train," and has a roommate whose hobbies include forwarding Internet porn. Louis sounds like a stand-up individual in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Louise

Main character in the film Thelma and Louise. Logan cleverly detects the inspiration for Cliff's cover story in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-grimsqueaker

Louise #2

Parker's aunt and summertime distraction. We don't learn much about this poor woman — is she Parker's dad's sister or her mom's? Or her mom's brother's wife? Or her dad's first cousin whom she merely refers to as "aunt"? Maybe it's a great-aunt or a family friend? We'll never find out, but we do know a weeks-long trip to wherever she lives isn't high on Parker's summertime priority list in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-bethgee

Lout 1

Lout (obviously) who makes lewd comments in Veronica and Piz's direction after their Internet porn debut. In place of "Lout 1," we would also have accepted "Loudmouth Jerkwad 3," "Gross Fratboy 74," "Pervert 19," and "Guy Veronica Wants to Taser 739" in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Played by Brian Norris.
Lovebone

Left a message on Louis's board. His name means he's either:

a) an archaeology major,

b) a dog like Wishbone (although he would have to have opposable thumbs to use a pen), or

c) someone with a very dirty mind.

Considering "Lovebone" is friends with the roommate of Gorya "Gory" Sorokin, wants to "ride the creep train," and uses atrocious grammar, we have to guess c) in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Lucky Pierre

Zere are many Lucky Pierres. Zere's zee Lucky Pierre of movie fame, who zaw naked wemen everywhere. Zere's zee Lucky Pierre which is a meesterious maker of music. Zere's zee reely Lucky Pierre who iz zee filling of a sexy, no, sex zandwhich. Zen zere iz zee Lucky Pierre who was mentioned in a reely famos musical wheech iz on zee teep of my tong.... Zo, which Lucky Pierre retired to a jewellery store in Neptune and has embezzling employez *spit*? Maybe Veenie knows in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Inigo

Johnny Ludden
See Ludden, Johnny
Robin Luddington
See Luddington, Robin
Luigi

Owns that Italian place. You know the one. The one where Veronica once ate her weight in manicotti. A fact that would be much more impressive if the petite Veronica didn't weigh next to nothing. Come to think of it, isn't that one of those little facts that she doesn't want shared? Keith shared. Is that why she is looking at him like that in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody"?

-wyk

Luis
 
Luke
 
Lulu

Veronica's imaginary Catahoula Leopard dog. Lulu gambols on the beach with Steve and the chemistry is electric but it all comes to nought. Um. Beach. Chemistry. Nought. Is Veronica foreshadowing her own life in 1.15 "Ruskie Business"?

-Inigo

Cervando Luna
See Luna, Cervando
José Lunchpail
See Lunchpail, José
Mr. Lung
See Lung, Mr.
Lynyrd Skynyrd

Southern rock band with an abnormal fear of vowels and a justifiable fear of flying. According to Lianne, their music goes with hot dogs and tater tots in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Sara M.
See M., Sara
Chris M.
See M., Chris
Dru M.
See M., Dru
Jeff M.
See M., Jeff
Macbeth

The Shakespeare play that dare not speak its name. Mr. Daniels tempts fate by having no such fears. Result? Logan's plans for Shakespearean justice are honed and improved by Weevil's flagpole smarts in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo
Niccolò Machiavelli
See Machiavelli, Niccolò
Karin Mackay
See Mackay, Karin
Samuel Mackenzie
See Mackenzie, Samuel
Ryan Mackenzie
See Mackenzie, Ryan
Natalie Mackenzie
See Mackenzie, Natalie
Mr. Mackenzie
See Mackenzie, Mr.
Fred MacMurray
See MacMurray, Fred
Madame

Pimpette. Neptune-based madame who keeps a tight leash on Max's girlfriend and her other recruits, this savvy businesswoman speaks softly but hires a big Happyfists. Coerced into her limo, the kids are shocked to discover that Wendy's boss is a woman, baby! Guess they missed that story arc on Melrose Place. Veronica has apparently never heard of Heidi Fleiss in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-bethgee

Played by Jackie Debatin.
Madame Sophie

Local psychic with her own cable-access show. Can she really talk to the dead, or can she talk to someone who can talk to someone who can talk about the dead? Make up your mind (or just let her read it) in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Christine Estabrook.
Mae

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Dr. Klaus Maertens
See Maertens, Dr. Klaus
Countess Magee
See Magee, Countess
Maggie

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Played by Dawn Olivieri.
Maggie #2

Friend of a Runaway Bride. Also a fan of Packaged Meat. Has curly brown hair. Really, she's totally unextraordinary — other than her Gollum-like desire for Heidi's precious ring in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-funky-donut

Thomas Magnum
See Magnum, Thomas
Marianna Mahnoviski
See Mahnoviski, Marianna
Male Solo Dancer

Played by Joseph G. Williamson.
Malibu Barbie

Doll and sun-loving cousin of Barbie. Following her to the beach house might not be quite as easy as tailing Kendall Casablancas working out and committing real estate fraud, but she would be no challenge for Veronica in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Mama Leone

Presumed matriarch of a Mars favorite take-away...take-out...God! I wish the language really was common. That Keith is talking about food when he tells Veronica that he called out to Mama Leone's is an assumption, of course. There are other services that might be considered constituents of a family fun night and The South Park Movie DVD. The Mars family looks forward to a night of pizza, or is it massages in 1.01 "Pilot"?

-Inigo

Mama Mia

Owner of a pizzeria (and catchy ABBA ditty, with the addition of a single "m"). Mama Mia peddles her cheese-drenched wares up and down the streets of Neptune. She employs one of Veronica's biggest fans and provides a dead-end clue to the casino robbery in 3.05 "President Evil."

-bethgee

Manager

The manager at the motel that Amelia DeLongpre stayed in and Veronica investigated. He charges thirty dollars a night, likes "knotty schoolgirls," and suggests that if you want to find a good time, you might try the Gas 'n' Sip down the street. He probably also believes that there's a lattice of coincidence that ties everything together, a collection unconscious in 2.06 "Rat Saw God." Plate o' shrimp!

-alliterator

Played by Tracey Walter.
Mandy
 
Manila Whore Barbie

Like the Aaron Echolls action figure, this is one we want. Now! Veronica's appraisal of her look for the Total Eclipse of the Heart dance is one with which we beg to differ. Veronica is h-h-hot in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Joseph Mann
See Mann, Joseph
Paul Mann
See Mann, Paul
Mannheim Steamroller

Band notorious for their contemporary interpretations of classical Christmas tunes. We doubt that their music could awaken the spirit of Christmas for Anissa Villapondo, but maybe listening to them would be a good punishment for her suspected attackers in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-grimsqueaker

Faith Manning
See Manning, Faith
Lilly Manning
See Manning, Lilly
Rose Manning
 
Grace Manning
 
Lizzie Manning
 
Meg Manning
 
Stewart Manning
 
Manny

Florist. On speed. Or something else that he's growing. Or perhaps his brain fried at Woodstock where he left his motorbike and his fashion sense. Then again, he's big, cuddly and eager to please and for Purple-faced monkey orchids, there's just nowhere else in town. Manny ums and ahs in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Played by Charley Rossman.
Christopher Mapes
See Mapes, Christopher
Marcel

Bouncer at Blender. He used to be Bone Hamilton's bodyguard but Yolanda was just oh so tempting. Bone's boot and Marcel's groin partied and Marcel made a career change. His journey from bodyguard to bouncer is told in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Played by Bryan Handy.
Russell Marchant
See Marchant, Russell
Danielle Marcos
See Marcos, Danielle
Margot

Classmate of Kendall Shiflett and Priscilla Banks. She could be the actress who played Lois Lane, we suppose, but it seems kind of unlikely. Her name rhymes with Godot in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-funky-donut

Marianne

One of the Ladies of the Evening who boasts of her "Sensual Ecstasy." Well, we can certainly tell that she's the sadder sexier, but wiser girl, but will she let you call her "Madam Librarian"? What can she say, my dear, to make this clear...er in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's"?

-alliterator

Mario

One of Weevil's numerous cousins. He's seen running around with one of his siblings or cousins (perhaps named Luigi? or perhaps not, since she's a girl) in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Played by William Corkery.
Mario #2

One of Angel's guys. He may be handy with cars but he really needs to watch where his piñatas come from. He was lucky not to give one stuffed with steroids to his daughter for her birthday party in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Mario #3

Most famous plumber of all time. And here's a bit of trivia: his last name is Mario too! So his name is Mario Mario! Did his parents hate him? Is that why he spent his days in a crazy land with giant mushrooms and fire flowers and bullets with faces and one very angry...whatever Bowser is? In any case, I'm glad the denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom put aside their differences to engage in a friendly racing game with speedy mushrooms and exploding bombs and projectile turtle shells and...okay, maybe not so much with the friendly. Logan and Heather bond over high-speed mayhem while their princess is in another castle in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-Polter-Cow

Marjorie

A lady, perhaps, of the street, who describes herself as "Petite and Sweet." She might, it seems, indulge in rhyme, about her body, soft and sublime, but clients may want something less witty, though assured that she is still pretty, when they read the classified ad and decide whether or not to be bad. All the men will read the labels, set out in bold type in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo, alliterator

Marjorie #2

Cool sorority sister in Zeta Theta Beta. She rescues Veronica from the evil airheaded clutches of Hallie Piatt and Shania, makes fun of her sisters for singing goofy sorority songs, sends Veronica on a safe ride home when she is making a fool of herself while pretending to be drunk, and is very fond of her ill den mother. Unfortunately, Veronica alienates her by outing Karen's pot farm in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-funky-donut

Played by Rachelle Lefevre.
Kylie Marker
See Marker, Kylie
Scott Markham
See Markham, Scott
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

Singer turned actor. Before he was a fairly well-respected actor deemed worthy enough for Marty Scorcese flicks, Mark Wahlberg was the pants-dropping frontman of a faux hip-hop troupe, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Their most notable hit, "Good Vibrations," featured such wisdom as "Drug free! So put the crack up!" Duly noted, Marky Mark. Duly noted, especially it seems by Dick in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-bethgee

Edward Marlow
See Marlow, Edward
Philip Marlowe
See Marlowe, Philip
Marc Maron
See Maron, Marc
Betina Marone
See Marone, Betina
Keith Mars
 
Veronica Mars
 
Lianne Mars
 
Stan Marsh
See Marsh, Stan
Marsha

Neptune High School student and wannabe S.A.A.C. girl. According to the zealots of Students Against Animal Cruelty, you shouldn't eat eggs because that's like, you know, eating baby. According to the carnivorous members of this site, you should eat eggs because that's like, you know, tasty. Eggs. Dairy. Meat. Yum-my. Marsha gets a lecture in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo, wyk

Martha

Rottweiler at Beacon Corp. Okay, so she's not a dog, or not a canine anyway. But she is a bit of a bitch and an obstreperous one at that. She won't let Roger be super to Veronica. It takes one Mr. Anderson to show who has the real bite and the balls in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Played by Elaine Brammell.
Martha #2

Caterer from Elite Catering. She has a bizarre understanding of confidentiality agreements. But how else would we have found out that she fired her le trancheur on Aaron's whim in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Played by Kimberly Stanphill.
Charles Martin
See Martin, Charles
Martin

Student at Neptune, sweet but a little moony. Veronica and Meg think he may be sweet on Meg but little do they know for the real secret admirer is.... All is revealed in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Played by William Regan.
Anthony Martin
See Martin, Anthony
Martins

An 09er family in Neptune, the twin daughters of which Meg Manning babysits (when she is not in a coma). Veronica never gets to meet them when she temporarily substitutes for Meg, but based on the 09er children she does meet, think more Joan of Arcadia first season finale than Bobbsey. In fact, one is probably safer thinking more along the lines of the twins in The Shining. Their lack of penises (peni?) makes them unseen in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Inigo

Marty

Aaron's something. Dogsbody, perhaps? (Dogsbody. Noun. A person who does the menial and boring tasks.) He gets an earful from Aaron for there being no homeless shelters closer to home in 1.06 Return of the Kane.

-Inigo

Marty #3

Student of Chinese. Along with pal Vincent, he is Veronica's saving grace when he deciphers a Chinese character. They decide the character means "grace," or in this case, assistant professor of Chinese, Professor Grace Schaffer. Both Marty and Vincent show grace under pressure in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Alain Uy.
Marty #2

Name on a whiteboard behind the head of Sheriff Mars. If this is a list of assignments for deputies, then Marty here either has two last names or he's got the honor of being the only deputy listed by first name. OMG, could Deputy Sacks's first name be Marty?! The name would fit, but all we know is that Marty is paired up with Ramirez in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-funky-donut

Mary

The "Sexy Babe" of the classifieds. "Some ladies don't know the importance of a full body, relaxing massage to give a client what he needs. Let me show you how." Huh. The headline and the message seem strangely disconnected. Mary, Mary, so contrary, how does your business grow? With oily gels and musky smells and naked butts all in a row. Mary's ad for lessons on kneading the needy is given space in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Saint Mary

Mother of Jesus Christ, or The Big J, as he's not known in any circles that we're aware of. She's the only woman who can bring the PCHers and the Fitzpatricks together (well, almost). What would she say, however, if she knew that bringing them together only facilitated the trading of illegal drugs? She would probably take her son's name in vain, and that's not being down with G-O-D. Veronica apologizes to the most famous virgin in all of history in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-Polter-Cow

Mason
 
Jeremy Masterson
See Masterson, Jeremy
Matchbox 20

Alt-rock band that took the fast train to adult-contemporary station. They want to push you around, well they will, WELL THEY WILL! Breaking onto the scene in 1997, Rob Thomas and some random other musicians released a few great pop songs, decided to start spelling out "twenty," released several more tolerable pop songs, and watched their familiarly named frontman hit the road to make a solo album full of music that sounded exactly the same as his band's. All you fans out there, don't get terribly bent out of shape; Mac says a reunion may be in the works in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-bethgee

Maureen

Neptune High student. "Sadness peppered with much attitude" is a good way to describe this grieving friend of Betina, one of the bus crash victims. She resents the way Dick treated Betina like a piece of meat and calls him the bastard child of Satan. Maybe she's upset that she'll never meet Satan's bastard grandchild. Maureen rolls her eyes and tells it like it is in 2.18 "I Am God."

-topanga

Played by Vanessa Lee Chester.
Max
 
John Mayer
See Mayer, John
Mayor

Neptune's first citizen. He seems to find Veronica...disrespectful. For God's sake, Wizard-of-Oz-quoting Don Lamb is the local sheriff. You must have a sense of humor! This luminary makes an appearance in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Jeff Rector.
Timothy Hamlin McBride
See McBride, Timothy Hamlin
Lawrence Patrick McCaber
See McCaber, Lawrence Patrick
Howard F. McCaffery
See McCaffery, Howard F.
Paul McCartney
See McCartney, Paul
Cliff McCormack
 
Mr. McDade
See McDade, Mr.
Ryder McDade
See McDade, Ryder
Todd McDade
See McDade, Todd
Mrs. McDade
See McDade, Mrs.
Mary McDonald
See McDonald, Mary
Lieutenant McGee
See McGee, Lieutenant
John McGill
See McGill, John
Rose McGowan
See McGowan, Rose
Tracy McGrady
See McGrady, Tracy
Mark McGrath
See McGrath, Mark
Professor McGregor
See McGregor, Professor
Robert McKinnon
See McKinnon, Robert
Robbie McKinnon
See McKinnon, Robbie
Steve McQueen
See McQueen, Steve
Fisty McRapesalot
See McRapesalot, Fisty
Deputy Meeks
See Meeks, Deputy
Robert Meesig
See Meesig, Robert
Mel's Assistant

Uh...Mel's assistant...or the receptionist at Stoltz Industries, depending on your viewpoint. Job duties include answering phones, directing calls, and keeping people the boss doesn't want to see out of his hair office. Unable to do at least one of those jobs correctly, perhaps she's Mel's true handicap in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-tallow

Played by Jennifer Halverson.
Melinda

A Veronica alias, scrawny hospitality hostess at the Duke Hotel. Veronica escorts Dime Bag and his crew to their hotel room and shows them the bathroom, a TV, some chairs, a phone, and the proper way to bug a gangsta rapper's room without getting shot up. Ooo, it sounds like dirty business in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-wyk

Herman Melville
See Melville, Herman
L. Menendez
See Menendez, L.
Carlos Mercado
See Mercado, Carlos
Mr. Mercer
See Mercer, Mr.
M. Merrill
See Merrill, M.
Meryl

Abandoned long-distance girlfriend. First of all, Meryl is 37 if she's a day. Maybe this explains her maternal sense of concern for her boyfriend, who doesn't feel compelled to greet her at the airport. Or at baggage claim. Or in his dorm room. Or ever. Lucky for Meryl, it was all a misunderstanding, and the pair ultimately reunites in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-bethgee
Played by Amanda Walsh.
META

Teaching assistant at Hearst College. This TA hands back the mechanical engineering make-up test that poor Wallace failed. He also summons him to go see about the most recent exam, after Wallace is caught cheating (say it ain't so, Wallace!). META loves being the bearer of bad news in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Played by Todd Bosley.
Mexican Cop

Cool as a cucumber, this shining pillar of justice hardly breaks a sweat when a crazy foreigner entreats on the last minutes of his little afternoon delight. He proves that police work can be fun in 1.20 "M.A.D.."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Juan Monsalvez.
Debbie Meyer
See Meyer, Debbie
Michael

Roving reporter for Neptune Navigator TV. His voice makes an appearance is heard in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo

Saint Michael

Archangel, patron saint of mariners, grocers, the sick, the lonely and the oppressed, and wielder of a flaming sword. Good thing that Michael is usually busy vanquishing the fiend, or Wallace's Chicago team would have thought twice about beating the Catholic St. Michael's High School. St. Michael is too occupied to care about basketball in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-grimsqueaker

Michelle

Someone who left her name for Piz on his whiteboard. Go Piznarski! Don't let that torch you bear hold you back! I mean, you like The Beatles, so you have to go out with someone named Michelle. Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble en 3.09 "Broche et Oeufs."

-alliterator

Mickey

Pseudonym. The alias Keith calls Cliff when the pair poses as two struggling voiceover actors to entrap Steven Batando. Oh, Cliff, he's so fine, he's so fine he blows our mind in 3.05 "President Evil."

-bethgee

Mickey #2

Name on a bowling shirt rejected by Veronica. Unlike Piz, Veronica elected not to go with the "ironic" enthusiastic bowling shirt...or is that post-ironic? Is the rejection of the ironic shirt in itself ironic? Trying to sort out the irony makes our heads hurt in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-misskiwi

Mickey Mouse

Cartoon mouse from the wonderful world of Disney. Like all mice, he squeaks. His name is a euphemism for small fry, like the fake IDs Veronica admitted to in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Mike

Amelia's boyfriend before she ditched him in Ibiza. He likes The Loons and folds like a sock under pressure (namely, the pressure of Clarence Wiedman, Jr. pushing him out the window) in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Played by Greg Baine.
Mike #2

A name on the wall of the boys' bathroom, as in "I love Mike." There are two schools of thought. Either production costs are so stripped to the bone that they can't afford to change the graffiti when the girls' bathroom doubles for the boys' utility, or the gay community at Neptune High really likes proclaiming their affections. Or maybe Ryan is fickle in his. Either way, the man-love wall serves as an appropriate backdrop to Logan and Weevil's bonding *cough* in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-Inigo

Alyssa Milano
See Milano, Alyssa
Milf

Transvestite escort, found on the internet as Bambi_Gasm. Now, what could MILF stand for, since it obviously can't stand for "Mom I'd Like to Family-friendly-site"? Man, I Love Fur? Milk Is, Like, Fun? Michael in Living Flesh? Who knows? Milf is confusing in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut

Played by Laura McLauchlin.
Holly Mills
See Mills, Holly
Lainie Minkoff
See Minkoff, Lainie
Kylie Minogue
See Minogue, Kylie
Veronica Minx
See Minx, Veronica
Ernesto Miranda
See Miranda, Ernesto
misterclean221

Email pseudonym for Tommy "Lucky" Dohanic. Mister clean, mister clean...Bald head? Nope, Tommy's got hair. Brawny? Nope, Tommy's more like Scrawny. Clean? Well, if you count bleaching your feet like a maniac...misterclean gives the episode number a shout-out in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-funky-donut

Robin Mitchell
See Mitchell, Robin
Randal Mitchell
See Mitchell, Randal
R. Mitchell-Wat
See Mitchell-Wat , R.
Justin Mize
See Mize, Justin
MIZZ P

Screen name of Peter Ferrer, a poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. (Student Homosexual Internet Posting) board. Veronica won't be breathily singing "Happy birthday, Miss P" to him any time soon as MIZZ P is no more. He has met his maker, Marilyn Monroe and Jack Kennedy in that great party in the sky. MIZZ P died in the bus crash, taking his knowledge of the "outing of all outings" with him or so we learn in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

Danny Mo
See Mo, Danny
Miss Moan-a Lisa
See Moan-a Lisa, Miss
Moby Dick

Whale. White whale, to be exact. White whale with a taste for legs, to be even more exact. I know that, to the common apprehension, this phenomenon of whiteness is not confessed to be the prime agent in exaggerating the terror of objects otherwise terrible, but the most badass whale in all of literature (oh, he would have ripped Jonah to shreds) fills Edwin Fuller's mind with thoughts of gore in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner" and appears on a poster in 2.20 "Look Who's Stalking."

-Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.20 2.07
Mock/Monk/Mark

Tattooist at the River Stix. We are not sure if the long, hard years as the menacing leader of Neptune's first family of crime have taken their toll on Liam Fitzpatrick, but his enunciation certainly leaves something to be desired, so we sadly cannot tell you if this tattoo artist is called Mock, Monk, or Mark. We also don't know if the tattoos he creates talk to their owners, but that would certainly explain some of the Fitzpatrick attitude. Mock, Monk, or Mark is sketching in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-grimsqueaker

B. Mokky
See Mokky, B.
Zeke Molinda
See Molinda, Zeke
Molière
See Molière,
Molly

A dog that could catch a frisbee. If only she'd had the good sense not to whiz in the Kane flower beds, she'd still be Duncan's best friend. Would that have led to Logan pissing in the flower beds? We'll never know. Duncan toasts the memory of Molly in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Molly #2

A missing black-and-white, shaggy, brown-eyed mutt. Is she unsinkable, or pretty in pink, or known to push a wheelbarrow in Dublin? She's obviously special if her owner is willing to part with a $500 reward to get her back in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Vyacheslav Molotov
See Molotov, Vyacheslav
Moltar

A lava man (known as "the lord of the mighty ovens that can incinerate any and all foes") and former enemy of Space Ghost. He was later forced to be producer and director of Space Ghost's talk show. Moltar has been happily married to his wife Linda for six years. He likes CHiPS and Erik Estrada. The Real Kendall knows her cartoon villains in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-alliterator

Claude Monet
See Monet, Claude
Monica

Desmond's corruption of Ms. Mars's given name. With all the gallant charm of a blind-drunk hustler, DF invites "Monica" to hang with him backstage. Thankfully, our girl declines the invite, but she can't shake the nickname. V joins the ranks of Gellar, Lewinsky, Potter, and Belluci in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Alex

Monique

Hearst student. Possibly Stacy's well-wishing friend from 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff," she rooms across from Mac and Parker, as her cute little whiteboard attests in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 3.01 2.16
Dr. Harriet Monk
See Monk, Dr. Harriet
Adrian Monk
See Monk, Adrian
Jack Montana
See Montana, Jack
Abigail Montgomery
See Montgomery, Abigail
Moon

Pi Sigma Signoramus. (Heh. Those names are fun to think up.) This accomplished point-earning ladies man has a pair of surgical gloves pinned to his spot on the PiSS wall of honor. Geez. There's kind of nothing I can add to that. The moon thankfully never rises in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Mary Mooney
See Mooney, Mary
The Mooney Suzuki

American rock band. Not to be confused with the Spotty Ducati, the Marquee Kawasaki, the Sporting Norton, or the Gnarly Harley, the Mooney Suzuki took their name from the lead singers of a band they admired, and only got the product endorsement later. Hearst College Radio posts their posters and rocks the rollers in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-Inigo

Kelvin Moore
See Moore, Kelvin
Principal Alan Moorehead
 
Mopey

Logan's nickname for the grieving Duncan.
A 6 feet high dwarf by adoption, Mopey lives in his cozy hut hotel suite, together with his friends Sleazy, Dog, Scrappy, Needy, Jumpy and Bashful. Given his soft spot for fair princesses, we wonder if cartoon birds braid his hair, too, in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-grimsqueaker

J. More
See More, J.
Carl Morgan
See Morgan, Carl
Daria Morgendorffer
See Morgendorffer, Daria
Agent Morris
See Morris, Agent
Morty

A homeless guy that helps Veronica find the Easter egg that was up Chip's...chimney. He is also able to help her out by posing as a witness for Selma Rose's "kidnapping." Are we sure his name isn't "Moriarty"? Morty is a (homeless) mastermind in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-alliterator

Played by Kristopher Logan.
Moses

Biblical personage. When Sheriff Lamb likens Veronica Mars to the man who talked to burning bushes, he is hopefully referring to her sea-dividing, awe-inspiring charisma and not her physical resemblance to Charlton Heston. The prophet is invoked in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-grimsqueaker

Motel Clerk

This Mexican motel clerk tells Sheriff Lamb that white guys "all look alike." But he points him in the right direction of the fugitive Duncan in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-topanga

Played by Pedro Rodman Rodriguez.
Mother Nature

The personification of nature as a powerful and nurturing woman. In Neptune, the number of powerful and nurturing women is a little on the light side, what with the alcoholics, the suicides, the harlots, and the cold fish, so Neptune High offers fruit instead in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Mountain Man

Bodyguard hired by Logan to protect Veronica. With such an apt name, Logan must have recruited him from the WWE. Certainly, the addition of Hunter Hearst Helmsley would have added an extra meta layer to 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-alliterator

Played by Tim Sitarz.
Mouth

Careless biker. He first opens his own a little too much and then gets too close to Backup's, which leads to pain, humiliation, and possibly the need for new footwear in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Zac Henry.
Mr. T

Bodyguard-turned-actor. Mr. T has had an interesting life. He's most famous for his acting roles as a boxer in Rocky III and an ex-military officer on the ABC series The A-Team, but he's just as well-known for his Mohawk hairdo, multiple gold necklaces, and his menacing catchphrases. Mr. T is also a cancer survivor who's playing a big role in the Hurricaine Katrina rebuilding efforts. Veronica uses him to motivate Wallace's studying efforts. I pity the fool who doesn't cheer for Mr. T in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity.".

-topanga

Marilyn Munster
See Munster, Marilyn
Lisa Murphy
 
Mr. Murphy
See Murphy, Mr.
Mr. Murray
See Murray, Mr.
Mrs. Murray
See Murray, Mrs.
Musician

Member, Mooncalf Collective. He strums on his guitar and sings "You Ain't Got Nothing At All," the theme song for cult members. A cult classic, so to speak. Mr. Guitar Man keeps things mellow around the campfire in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-topanga

Played by Max Bernstein.
Musicman

Number twenty-five. This melodic gentleman is a complete cipher, revealing unto us naught but that he likes wearing short sleeves in December, eating lunch with the little people at Neptune High, and...uh...Barry Bonds? Maybe he's a friend of Luke's. Seventy-six trombones fail to show in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-grimsqueaker

The Mustangs

Band. The UK's premiere rhythm and blues band, to be exact. But they're not R&B or anything: more emphasis on the blues than the rhythm. What does the UK know about the blues, anyway? I thought America invented the blues! Just because we stole rock and roll from the Beatles doesn't mean they can steal the blues from W.C. Handy. KRFF supports transatlantic music genre theft in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-Polter-Cow

Col. Mustard
See Mustard, Col.
Mustard Man

One of the names on the Pi Sigma Sigma basement board, used to display the claimed romantic exploits of the fraternity house residents. Okay, so we're guessing, seeing as the name is slightly obscured by the UPN logo. But let's say it is so and wonder at the choice of this name. Is he bright yellow? Is he runny? Is he a little bitter on the tongue? Is he inseparable from a hot dog? One thing we do know, he's shown to be a jerk in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

My Pretty Pony

Power pop duo with a cult following in the 1990s. Named in homage to a 1980s toy, My Pretty Pony was comprised of guitarist/songwriter Desmond Fellows and front man Johnny Scopes, may the latter rest in peace. Part Rembrandts, part Proclaimers, and all washed up, the band still has some college-aged fans willing to pay a few bucks to hear Desmond plink along to a backing track of Johnny from beyond the grave. It's all so totally emo. Piz and Veronica were former Pony fans themselves, but Desmond's legend loses a little luster when they serve as his guides to Neptune in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-bethgee

Mötley Crüe

Heavy-metal band popular in the '80s consisting of Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil, and Mick Mars. Famous in the '80s for their hard-partying, hard-drinking, hard-living lifestyle, the Crüe is now sober. Back in the day, their videos starred some of the trashiest, biggest-breasted, even-bigger-haired-than-the-band-members girls you'd ever hope to meet. Or, in the case of the "Looks That Kill" video, some ladies ready for fighting and bondage. And, you know, hard-core sex with Tommy Lee. Either way, Veronica looks across the street and realizes that with the busty strippers, all that's missing for a Crüe video at Corey's Market is some live pythons, a huge spotlight, and a Mars of a different name in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-tallow

Nadine

Student at Neptune High. She has the smoldering hots for basketball hero, Wallace in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Billie Jones.
Dr. James Naismith
See Naismith, Dr. James
Roberto Nalbandian
See Nalbandian, Roberto
Nancy

Receptionist for Dr. Levine. She is not the most observant of creatures. Doesn't everybody check underneath the bathroom sink for a 5'-1" teen detective right before they leave the office? Apparently not, as Veronica is relieved to discover in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-wyk

Nancy #2

A name written, eventually, on a fifty dollar bill. Things Veronica Mars doesn't like: being bested by arrogant, puffed-up Tritons and being trapped on boats with her classmates. Things Veronica Mars likes: Weevil and rollercoasters. Proof that Veronica has the luck of the devil: pulling a name out of her ass just to take the wind out of the sails of her Kane Scholarship rival proved a useful tool in ensuring the senior class trip was to Magic Mountain instead of Catalina in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-Inigo

Nancy #3

Logan's prison name for Omar. Was he thinking of Nancy Kerrigan? Nancy Spugget? Nancy Drew? Logan really should have thought that whole "prison nickname" thing through in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-alliterator

Nancy #4

Famous teenage detective of books. Assistant to Keith's Carson Drew. When searching around for a companion alias, Keith can hardly be faulted for dubbing his young helper Nancy, in honor of the great Nancy Drew. That these obviously fake names deceived a pro-life busybody says much for the man's reading habits and sheltered upbringing in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-Inigo

Ilie Nastase
See Nastase, Ilie
Nathan

Manager of Encore of Neptune. This pompous ass finds that reading other people's diaries can have unforeseen consequences when he gets a visit from the biker boys in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo
Played by Cameron Bender.
National Velvet

A horse, of course, of course. We're a little confused why Bone Hamilton thinks his daughter is a horse. But then again, we're confused by a lot of things in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Chardo Navarro
See Navarro, Chardo
Lester Neal
See Neal, Lester
Ned Flanders Type

Member of the jury. Hi-diddly-ho, neighbor! Unfortunately, this sweater-vest wearing man (with a moustache to rival Earl's) never utters those famous words, nor any other phrases that would actually make him similar to Ned Flanders. Stupid non-sexy, non-Flanders! All he points out is the obvious (like the victim is a convicted criminal - way to be a downer!), so perhaps he should be called Captain Obvious in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Wesley Mann.
Nelly

Musician. Keith catches up on the rap scene with him, Wallace wants his life to be like one of his videos, and Duncan sees him as a cheerful alternative to Radiohead and suitable for times of great tragedy. Nelly proves his versatility in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due", 1.13 "Lord of the Bling", and 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.02 1.13 1.02
Nemesis

Greek goddess of divine justice and vengeance. Considering Veronica's yen for exacting her own forms of payback on those who do wrong, the comparison is a surprisingly apt one. But then considering J.B.'s masterfully executed plan to cheat on a health test, he probably wasn't thinking in terms of Greek mythology. J.B. assigns Veronica this appellation in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-public displays of lust

Eddie Nettles
See Nettles, Eddie
Patrick Collin Nevin
See Nevin, Patrick Collin
New Deputy

He is so psyched by being allowed to read Aaron Echolls his Miranda rights that not even the most powerful man in Neptune can distract him from carrying out his duty. Would that Neptune had more policemen of this calibre, it would be a cleaner, safer place! New Deputy has his shining moment in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Ben Belack.
Craig Newmark
See Newmark, Craig
News Anchor

This handsome, tie-clad newscaster smiles pretty for the camera and informs Veronica and Keith how crazy, and possibly suicidal, Abel Koontz really is in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-topanga

Played by Graham Sterling.
News Anchor #2

One of the newscasters for Channel 5 whose secret ambition seems to be crushing Keith Mars's spirits. A constant buzzkill, he announces Lamb's electorial victory in 2.06 "Rat Saw God," and again delivers a blow when reporting that Keith's idol Terrence Cook has been brought in for questioning in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-alliterator

All bios: 2.12 2.06
Played by David E. Willis.
Sir Isaac Newton
See Newton, Sir Isaac
Phuong Nguyen
See Nguyen, Phuong
Viet Nguyen
See Nguyen, Viet
Sith Nibbler
See Nibbler, Sith
Marlena Nichols
See Nichols, Marlena
O. Nicholson
See Nicholson, O.
Nick

Rock god of XLR8 and inspiration for a removed tattoo. Heidi's rocking ex-boyfriend appears to defy the stereotype of loud, crass, insensitive groupie-groper that is so often the case with rocker ex-boyfriends. Ahem. Not that we have any experience with that. Nick has an injured mother and gets his girlfriend back in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-funky-donut

Played by Brad Ashten.
Patrick Nickerson
See Nickerson, Patrick
Joshua Nickerson
See Nickerson, Joshua
Jeremy Nickerson
See Nickerson, Jeremy
Patrick Nickerson, Sr.
See Nickerson Sr., Patrick
Richard Fields Nickerson
See Nickerson, Richard Fields
Ryan Nickerson
See Nickerson, Ryan
Nicki

The Madame's bitch. She bows to the threat of a lively game of connect-the-bruises on her face to bring Fiona Chelsea Wendy out of hiding from her and Max's Logan and Veronica's den of love. Much to everyone's chagrin — since it leads to Max being $10,000 poorer and everyone being slightly heartbroken — the bruises rub off on a bag of frozen peas in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-fulfilled

Played by Laura Roth.
Laura Mickon Nickols
See Nickols, Laura Mickon
Friedrich Nietzsche
See Nietzsche, Friedrich
Night Ranger

San Francisco rock band best known for the 1984 hit "Sister Christian." Formed in 1967 but hitting their stride in the '80s, this hair-metal band fit right in with Poison, Bon Jovi, and Guns N' Roses. Unfortunately, they didn't have the same staying power, even though Batando is clearly a big fan in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-tallow

nightman122

The AOL screen name of the manager of the Palm Tree Lodge Motel in Waverley, California. Nightman122 searches the net for knotty schoolgirls as the money rolls right in at $30 a room. He and his motel are sleazy and seedy - albeit one of the rooms can double as a funny little downtown art gallery - and at least his name isn't Norman. Cold comfort for Amelia DeLongpre (Ha!) in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Inigo

Ninja Turtle

A hero in a half-shell. Which one is Veronica's favorite: Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, or Raphael? Veronica says "Turtle power!" (well, not really) in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Nip/Schmuck

Logan's nickname for the good doctor Tom Griffith. Oy gevalt! First the shikseh calls him a mensch, and next this meshuggeneh child is making new words half from TV Guide and half from the shtetl. You want I should plotz? It's too much for my heart, bubbeleh. Logan kvetches in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

No Trigger

Punk band from Massachusetts. One might be forgiven for thinking that their posters give one the momentary illusion of Tigger's evil cousin, what with all the orange and black cartoonyness going on, but they are indeed a real, live working hardcore punk band. You know they're hardcore by a visit to their website, which declares, "THIS SITE IS FUCKED and we are too poor to get it fixed. Please visit our myspace." Due no doubt to the insistence of the CW's S&P folk, in the Hearst College Radio station that's not the poster that's on the wall in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-Inigo

Mr. Noir Secrets
See Noir Secrets, Mr.
Claire Nordhouse
 
Norman

Wallace's straight-A, eagle scout, mama's boy, imaginary friend. Wallace created him to fool Alicia when he wants to be fooling around with Veronica. Seriously, dude, could it be any contest? Veronica learns about Norman in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo

Norwegian Wood

A rentboy from Oslo that Desmond Fellows used to know. Did he used to sleep in bathtubs? Or was it that when he woke up, his girlfriend was gone? Did he used to own a bird that had flown away? I don't get...ohhhhhhh. Desmond has a dirty, dirty mind in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-alliterator

Nurse

Hospital staff member stitching up Duncan Kane. This angel of mercy mistakes Veronica for Duncan's girlfriend, proving that shippers turn up in the strangest places. Nurse plays Cupid in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Cassie Benavidez.
Nut Case

A name on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. Like a lot of things in Veronica Mars, there are several subtle meanings to this name - the obvious meaning being, of course, a crazy person. But then there is the underlying meaning of a case of nuts — perhaps a clue of some sort, pointing Veronica in a whole new direction. On the other hand, if Veronica ever investigates a case involving squirrels, it truly will be a nut case. When asked if he wants a banana with nuts, this guy probably giggles in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Mackie O
See O, Mackie
Dean Cyrus O'Dell
 
Mindy O'Dell
 
Gram O'Dell
 
Jason O'Dell
 
Sgt. Chris O'Donnell
See O'Donnell, Sgt. Chris
Deputy Christopher O'Donnell
See O'Donnell, Deputy Christopher
Rosie O'Donnell
See O'Donnell, Rosie
Tatum O'Neal
See O'Neal, Tatum
Ryan O'Neal
See O'Neal, Ryan
Bill O'Reilly
See O'Reilly, Bill
Edward O'Sava
See O'Sava, Edward
O-Town

Oh, come on! You really don't expect us to have to think about this, do you? A band Felix's sister likes. Okay, we thought about it. Dude, you know things are bad when an actress would rather go around yelling "Go, Go, Power Rangers!" than film another O-Town music video. A sorry reference in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo, wyk

All bios: 1.03 1.01
Daryl Oates
See Oates, Daryl
Odlum
See Odlum,
Off Camera Boy

Though some people believe children should be seen and not heard, this boy is obviously of the reverse philosophy. When informing Veronica that the Sheriff wanted to inspect her locker, he never showed his face to the camera. Of course, he could be disfigured in some way or have really bad acne. The mystery of the faceless boy persists in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-alliterator

Played by Drancy Jackson.
ofnight

Screen name that Ryan uses for his emails to Veronica. Was this the username he used for his emails to Marcos? Dunno. All we do know is that this is yet another Neptune student who uses AOL. AOL? Really? Shouldn't these Kane-Software-is-headquartered-here kids have a better ISP than AOL in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"?

-wyk

Mr. Ogletree
See Ogletree, Mr.
Older Boy from Van

Less-than-silent witness. Granted, he couldn't have known that Weevil wouldn't harm Thumper when he ambushed him in front of Father Patrick's church, but ratting the poor guy out is still a little — what do you mean, he did harm him? He didn't lay a finger on him; he couldn't have known that Liam Fitzpatrick would kill Thumper for double-crossing him! What is he, clairvoyant? No, there's nothing wrong with our perspective! It's all this little boy's fault in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Jamen Nanthakumar.
Maria Oliveres
See Oliveres, Maria
Carlos Oliveres
See Oliveres, Carlos
Marcos Oliveres
 
Inga Olofson
 
Olsen Twin

Mary Kate and Ashley, a media phenomena and every little girl's dream. Logan's too apparently, as he wants to be the meat cream filling of an Olsen twin sandwich. Honey, that ride might be a little uncomfortable, what with Mary Kate's anorexia and all, but if you want it, just slip on that Argyle sweater and go for it. Logan's sanity is in serious question in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-alliterator

Olympia

Hearst student and Apollo's girlfriend. It had to be, really. How could a boy named after a god of music not be drawn to the sanctuary and haven of Olympia? Mythology layers lay in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Inigo

Played by Noel True.
Omar

A prisoner in the sociology experiment. Despite staying strong to the end, he unwittingly gave away the information to the guards after being tricked by his girlfriend, Julia, and Wallace, making his fellow prisoners, especially Logan, none too happy with him in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-fulfilled

Played by Jonathan Halyalkar.
Jackie Onassis
See Onassis, Jackie
One-Hour Photo Clerk

One-hour-photo clerk and possible racist. Shocked that a blonde and fresh-faced co-ed would be canoodling with the likes of an Arab, he quickly gives up the boudoir photos in question in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-bethgee

Played by Fred Stoller.
Kizza Oneko
See Oneko, Kizza
Ophelia

The spurned love of Hamlet. She drowned. Perhaps the nunnery would have been the better option, dear. Mr. Daniels doesn't give his students the choice in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Ophelia #2

Weevil's six-year-old niece and apprentice criminal. She loves balloons, the Powerpuff Girls, and jumping into ball pits with cash boxes. We can just hear the songs she sings with her Uncle Eli:
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
Thefts and heists and larceny.
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P,
It is all so elementary.

Ophelia looks as sweet as her literary namesake and, like her, may have been better off in a nunnery. She starts her life of crime in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-Inigo

Played by Maliah Hudson.
Amy Opper
See Opper, Amy
Alan Oquendo
See Oquendo, Alan
Orgon

Character in Tartuffe. Also a character in Veronica Mars, apparently, as the actor playing the character who is playing the character is credited solely by the name of the character his character is playing, rather than the character himself. Has the play come alive? Is this French theatre gone horribly awry? We never find out in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Tyler Poelle.
Donald Orthenback
See Orthenback, Donald
George Orwell
See Orwell, George
Ozzy Osbourne
See Osbourne, Ozzy
Oscar

Adorable Capuchin monkey. He started his destined-to-be-short life as a lab animal named number 25, but a kind-hearted scientist was won over by his charms, and Oscar now gets to live a happy life. Long live Oscar in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-funky-donut

Other Player

Blackjack player at the Seven Rivers Casino. Unlike Keith Mars, he has no hesitation in laying down a $2 bet in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Inigo

Played by John Nutten.
Otis

Town drunk in Alterna-Neptune, which resembles Jupiter, FL 30303. In a World Where Lilly Kane Lived, Keith Mars is still sheriff, and he remarks that Otis is sleeping it off in cell one. Pre-graduation jitters, perhaps? Be it Neptune or Newberry, Otis sure likes his sherry in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-Polter-Cow

Otto

Character in Repo Man. He was recruited to the weird and wacky world of car repossession. He was portrayed by Emilio Estevez and is mimicked by the canny Veronica in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-Inigo

Mr. Outside Voice
See Outside Voice, Mr.
Owen

Student at Neptune High and friend of Justin Smith. He likes to think of himself as Justin's older, wiser and wittier friend. So why is it Justin who gets the girl's attention, and finds the lady-man, in 1.03 "Meet John Smith"?

-Inigo

Played by Harrison Myers.
Paco

Provider of, like, the best food EVER! Tacos are wonderful as they can be stuffed with anything and still taste exactly the same. Paco knows what makes a good menu, for Keith wants to treat his daughter to this Mexican delicacy in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Inigo

Paige

Veronica's fictional roommate...and possibly more. It's just college, right? I hope Veronica sends some of her stories about sleepovers to Penthouse. They definitely sound interesting in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-alliterator

Pam

Bitchy 09er bitch who is really the bitchqueen of all Bitchonia. Also known as the type-A, tightass debutante in 1.08 "Like a Virgin."

-wyk

Played by Shanna Collins.
Pan Wrestler

Pan High Student. This kid reveals Weevil's identity as a high school sports bookie and inadvertently outs Veronica as an infiltrator at Pan High. He's not one for discretion in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica"

-topanga

Played by Jerry Zatarain.
Panic! at the Disco

Rock band. They write sins not tragedies. Surprisingly, these sins are approved by KRFF, judging by the poster on display. Well, you know what they say. The only difference between martyrdom and suicide is wall coverage in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Panting Sophomore

A sophomore who kindly informs Archie Richie that Neptune High got their goat. A literal goat. This sophomore - who pants but does not do pantomime (thank god) - contributes to the wacky antics of Riverdale Pan High in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Corey Bringas.
Papa Bear

The character that graces Moe's mug. Papa Bear was the pater familias of the Bear family who lived their lives in the forest, bothering no one and eating porridge. Their home should have been their castle and was until that sly, conniving juvenile delinquent, Goldilocks, broke in trashed the place. Hm, Goldilocks, golden locks, hair...Moe's mug is fairly blank, but Moe's mug may be more informative in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Papparazzi

This photographer claims he spent a thousand dollars on the camera he used to snap pictures of Aaron and Logan Echolls. Aaron breaks his camera, so he'll probably sue in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-topanga

Played by Ken Merckx.
Paramedic

This public servant tells Veronica to get out of the way so he can escort a stretcher out of her apartment complex. He eventually gets bored riding in ambulances and moves on to driving delivery trucks. He still likes his current job in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-topanga

Played by Jon Michael Souza.
ParaVision

Poster on the Pirate S.H.I.P. board. This user is afraid that circumcision might violate or infringe upon his oops we forgot to finish the text on this prop. ParaVision should probably think about contacting HOOP in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-grimsqueaker

Gil Thomas Pardy
See Pardy, Gil Thomas
Parks
See Parks,
Mr. Pasqual
See Pasqual, Mr.
Passing Co-Ed

A Hearst College student, she's the on-campus equivalent of the nosy neighbor. She notices what Parker and Mac were wearing when they left their dorm room, where they were going, and what they probably will do once they get there. How does she know they plan to use the gym's Stairmaster? Why not the treadmills or the ellipticals? Is she telepathic, or did she follow Parker and Mac to the gym and take copious notes on their activities? This co-ed needs to get a life in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-topanga

Played by Jacquelyn Ross.
Mr. Pastorelli
See Pastorelli, Mr.
Pasty
See Pasty,
Sunil Patel
See Patel, Sunil
Patricia

One of Kendall Shiflett's peers at Handley High.
Patty-flake, what a fake Polly-ann
Show me a 'do more "catch if I can"
Blow it and tease it and toss it, that's the key
A fella in the offing and baby makes three!

This is a libel on what appears to be a perfectly nice girl whose picture is one amongst many in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-Inigo

Patricia #2

Partner to Kevin and magic disappearer of debts. Hey, did Patrice Pitrelli manage to become sane, change her name slightly, and get a new job? Okay, that's probably not it. But we can't help but notice her ad is right below the rapist's — a clue of some sort? Perhaps Kevin and Patricia know more than they let on. Perhaps Kevin was the guard to Patricia's prisoner in the prison experiment and they know the secret of Mercer and Moe? Okay, maybe not. It still doesn't stop us from speculating in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Erica Patrick
See Patrick, Erica
Emily Patterson
See Patterson, Emily
George Patterson
See Patterson, George
Jason Patterson
See Patterson, Jason
Mary Jo Patton
See Patton, Mary Jo
Bob Patton
See Patton, Bob
Billy Patton
See Patton, Billy
Ivan Pavlov
See Pavlov, Ivan
Peach

Oft-imperiled princess from the Mushroom Kingdom. After being rescued by her plumber paramour, Mario, from Bowser's evil clutches for the umpteenth time, Peach devoted herself to racing go-karts. She's known for being quick and light on the road, and she handles herself well off the track. Beware if you race against this seemingly sweet royal: she's got an unlimited amount of shrinking lightning bolts, and she can protect herself with a spinning heart. Logan uses his skillz with the video game princess to teach Heather a thing or two about Mario Kart in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-starxdsparrow

Jessica Peale
See Peale, Jessica
Dorata Pearl
See Pearl, Dorata
Jason Pecannie
See Pecannie, Jason
Peeping Tom

Peeper. Tom was the only boy who looked out his window when Lady Godiva allegedly rode past on her horse naked. But hey, he was a teenager and she was naked! Nude! Without clothes! She was wearing an ex-garment! And now, whenever some pervert watches someone else through a window or takes pictures (like Nasir Ben Hafayid) he's labeled a Peeping Tom. Well, at least it's better than Prince John's punishment. Veronica calls 'em like she sees 'em in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Claiborne Pell
See Pell, Claiborne
Pencil-necked Geek

A geek whose neck looks similar to a certain narrow, generally cylindrical implement for writing and/or drawing. Or perhaps he's like a "man eating chicken," in that his neck isn't a pencil, but he's a pencil who necked a geek? Oh, whatever. He doesn't say much, but we know he's going to bite the head off a live chicken right after he watches Wallace taped to the flagpole in 1.01 "Pilot."

-alliterator

Played by Joshua Levine.
Sean Penn
See Penn, Sean
Pep Squad Girl

Neptune High Student. She and Madison run the pep squad pie booth at Winter Carnival. She's not as cute or appealing as Lilly and Veronica were in their pep squad heyday but smiles her heart out in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough.".

-topanga

Played by Brigitte Graham.
Pep Squadder

Neptune High student. While she is at least concerned enough about poor, naked Wallace to ask for someone to cut him down from the flagpole, she either doesn't have the guts or the knife to do it herself in 1.01 "Pilot."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Heather Brittany.
Cervando Perez
See Perez, Cervando
Rosie Perez
See Perez, Rosie
Perry

Owner of a diner at which Heidi Kuhne withdrew money from an ATM. We imagine the music inside to be a mix of, like, straight-up East-Coast-thug hip hop...and Britpop. There's no sunshine in a castle on a Sunday, but Vinnie's a carnivore and Heidi's his prey in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Polter-Cow

Perseus

Greek hero and son of Zeus. Veronica's laptop hard drive is neither looking suspiciously like a young Aaron Echolls, nor is it known to slay Gorgons and commit patricide, but its usefulness for the young detective surely reaches heroic proportions. Hard drive Perseus was last seen not carrying copies of Meg's secret files in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-grimsqueaker

The Perturbed

Duh! They're punk rockers (from San Antonio) and it's 2006...so, like, clearly they are well named in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Inigo

Peters
See Peters,
Gordon Peters
See Peters, Gordon
Jonathan Peterson
See Peterson, Jonathan
Scott Peterson
See Peterson, Scott
Julius Richard Petri
See Petri, Julius Richard
Pez

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Pez are little bricks of candy that some genius loaded into a toy, thus making them the perfect thing to tempt a two-year-old with in the aisle on the way out of a grocery store. While Piz is not a small brick of sugar ejected from a plastic flip-top head, everyone certainly thinks he's sweet in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Dedee Pfeiffer
See Pfeiffer, Dedee
Anne Phanco
See Phanco, Anne
Norman Phipps
See Phipps, Norman
Phone Guy

Guy from Goshen, New York. His only use to "friends" like Brian and Fred? He happens to live in the 845 area code, the same as Poughkeepsie, which just happens to be the town from which Chelsea hails. He also happens to go to this tiny, West Coast liberal arts college that no one's ever heard of, but Veronica, brilliant PI that she is, manages to use her excellent detective skills to deduce exactly where he's located in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-fulfilled

Played by Christopher Carley.
Phono-Comb

Canadian band. While Trish's taste in boyfriends could politely be categorized as hit-and-miss, her taste in bands appears to be either very exclusive, patriotic (if she's originally from Toronto), or vintage (given that the band ceased to exist in 1996). Of course, she might simply think their poster makes for a good wall decoration in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-grimsqueaker

Phyllis

Roommate and friend of Bonnie. Thought of as a good person, she agreed to Raiders of the Lost Dorm Room. She seemed to have bonded with her roommate's father. She even seemed to like Bonnie's boyfriend, even though she framed him for her mistakes. But she had her roommate's dreams at heart! A shame that she did not get the memo when those dreams changed around 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-dutchmoxie

Played by Toni Trucks.
Hallie Piatt
 
Pablo Picasso
See Picasso, Pablo
Rick Pickett
See Pickett, Rick
Pilgrim

John Wayne's nickname for Jimmy Stewart in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. He actually calls Stewart "Pilgrim" twenty-three times, another incident of the almost ubiquitous number. The phrase became a staple of Wayne impersonations like Veronica's in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-alliterator

Pink Hair

Not a wig user. Honestly, sometimes Veronica can be a real blonde who doesn't habitually use hair coloring products and thus wouldn't see that this is, of course, Pink Hair's real hair and not some cheap, fake, poorly constructed substitute, that is. Veronica insults pink red herrings in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Ka'imi Kuoha.
Silvio Pirelli
See Pirelli, Silvio
Pit Boss

The Boss of the Pit in the Seven Rivers Casino. Nothing like a Pit Bull. He informs Keith that cell phones are blocked in the casino. Man, that's the pits in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-alliterator

Played by Jocko Marcellino.
Patrice Pitrelli
See Pitrelli, Patrice
Miss Pixie Stick
See Pixie Stick, Miss
Pizza Guy #2

Purveyor of pizzas. Following in the loping footsteps of Neptune's favorite pizza guy must be rough, but this dude does it with a wink and a smile. Obviously a regular enough visitor to Max and Mac's Love Shack (say that three times fast!) to notice wardrobe changes, he gets a good tip for his discretion in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Walter Clark.
Mike K. Plagge
See Plagge, Mike K.
Sylvia Plath
See Plath, Sylvia
Plato

Greek philosopher considered one of the greatest thinkers of all time. Sadly, however ideal Plato's form (that's a philosophy joke, by the way), it didn't stop Amelia DeLongpre from ditching study of his essay on government, The Republic, for three million bucks in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's," or Coach Dwight Fry from inferring that any football player who wanted to spend time with him is a waste of a scholarship in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

All bios: 3.03 1.17
Plax

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Plax is a brand name, pre-brushing dental rinse intended to loosen plaque. We hear that Piz brushes twice daily and he once had his guitar amp turned up so loud, a plaque was loosened from a wall in his dad's office. Huh. Coincidences abound in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Mr. Pleacher
See Pleacher, Mr.
Raymond Ploughshare
See Ploughshare, Raymond
Professor Plum
See Plum, Professor
Judge Pocket
See Pocket, Judge
Edgar Allan Poe
See Poe, Edgar Allan
Henri Poincare
See Poincare, Henri
Sidney Poitier
See Poitier, Sidney
Amy Polk
See Polk, Amy
Gabrielle Pollard
See Pollard, Gabrielle
Polly

Neptune High School mascot. You'll never guess what Polly is. Go on. Give it a go. An aardvark? No, that's not it. A platypus? Come on! You're not even trying. A dodo? Close, but no cigar. Polly is a...parrot. Cool, huh? Polly wanna tracker in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Polonius

Character in Hamlet. Sound advice on money management doesn't make up for his being a tedious old fool who gets himself killed when he forgets that there is a reason for keeping quiet when hiding behind a curtain. An ignoble death, certainly, but at least he managed to predecease his children, if only by days. Logan ponders on Polonius's fate, or not, in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Esther Pomroy
See Pomroy, Esther
Shelly Pomroy
 
Henry Varnum Poor
See Poor, Henry Varnum
Iggy Pop
See Pop, Iggy
Samuel Nelson Pope
 
Amy Pope
See Pope, Amy
Alexander Pope
See Pope, Alexander
Bronson Pope
 
Miss Poppum
See Poppum, Miss
Mr. Popular
See Popular, Mr.
Porso

What is in a name? Well, this one has a little bit of "Porsche" and little bit of "torso." Does Mr. or Ms. Porso have a Porsche-like torso? The announcer doesn't say in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-alliterator

Jason Potiker
See Potiker, Jason
Harry Potter
See Potter, Harry
Kevin Powell
See Powell, Kevin
Powerpuff Girls

Cartoon heroines with superpowers. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup fight crime and bring justice to the bad guys. Sound like anyone else we know? Ophelia shows her devotion to these great role models in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-funky-donut

Coach Preppernau
 
Elvis Presley
See Presley, Elvis
Lisa Marie Presley
See Presley, Lisa Marie
PrettyPony01

Screen name for Desmond Fellows. Man, all these screen names are depressingly boring. BlackCat70? BlackCat80? Where's the creativity? Desmond totally could have gone for, like, Beatleslover1million! Okay, so that's not very creative either. ANYway, Desmond likes chatting with fans in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-funky-donut

J. Price
See Price, J.
Prince Charming

Every girl's dream. Julie Bloch had found hers. Unfortunately, she also threw him away, making Patrick Collin Nevin the future prey of hundreds of money-hungry miniature Lacey Shifflets. Collin is unaware of his fate in 2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster."

-grimsqueaker

Princess

Returned dog. In Neptune, even dogs are affected by the haves/have-nots divide — while Mandy's meager ransom for her mongrel can't affect the evil napper's heart, the $750 reward offered for this little Yorkie's return certainly does in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Princess #2

A king's hot daughter who he marries off in order to secure Denmark? A winged lady of the faerie variety all covered in sparkles? Someone's very fluffy dog with bows around her ears? A damsel in a giant pink dress waiting to be rescued from a giant turtle by a plumber? An unsuspecting dupe in a rather sinister bit of revenge for a homicide frame-up? Ah, yes. That's the ticket. Logan redefines "princess" and gives the name to Hannah Griffith in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-public displays of lust

Jessica Prindle
See Prindle, Jessica
Proctor

Oversees a sociology test. His obnoxious gloating at his own power makes us side with Logan's urban legendary cheating, even though we do not condone it in any way and had nothing to do with his decision to do it. This proctor gets owned in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Jesse Matthew Bernstein.
Professor

Oh, the life of Wallace's professor. Years of studying in dank cubicles at the library, slaving away at research papers, sacrificing a social life until he finally obtains that coveted professorship…only to be used as Wallace's excuse to avoid a girl and pass him a note from the Castle. Oh, academia. It takes us right back to middle school in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-leila6

Played by Gary Ballard.
Prosecution Lawyer

She objects! to Aaron's lies and his lawyer's accusations, and girl, are we ever on your side! Too bad she's just the prosecution and not one of the jurors in Aaron's trial in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Gay Storm.
Marcel Proust
See Proust, Marcel
Psyc(h)o

Fratboy on the Pi Sigma Sigma scoreboard. It's refreshing to know that college kids these days are still inspired by Hitchcock movies, but what does it say about the educational system if they can't even spell "Psycho?" Oedipal thrillers and orthographical dramas meet in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Psyris

One of the gaming club screen names in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Thomas Pulido
See Pulido, Thomas
Joseph Pulitzer
See Pulitzer, Joseph
Punk Rock Kid

Neptune High Student. He says Wanda is going to blow this chick (the other candidate for Student Body president) out of the water and tells Logan he can kiss his precious Pirate Points goodbye. The guy loves a good metaphor. Punk Rock Kid sees his bubble burst when Duncan's candidacy is announced in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-topanga

Played by Brad Surosky.
Pus

One of several of Desmond Fellows' nicknames for Piz. Pus is that icky stuff associated with nasty things like open wounds, abscesses, and sores. Piz is that ickle freshman associated with bands like the Of Montreal, Ampel, and The Softies. It's easy to see how Desmond would get confused in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Pussycat Doll

Member of a "band" consisting of interchangeable female members who have had hits such as "Don't Cha" and "Stickwitu." While perhaps they should look into spelling lessons, the Pussycat Dolls have a distinctive look that Veronica thinks maybe she should have emulated for the Zeta Theta Beta party in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-funky-donut

Q

James Bond's fix-it guy. He builds awesome stuff that slices and dices and shoots. Q's British-government-sponsored inventions totally blows Mac's equipment out of the water, but who cares? With hair that cute and snark that sharp, she and Veronica could rule the world in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-wyk

Dr. Quinn
See Quinn, Dr.
Dale R.
See R., Dale
Rachel

In the classifieds. The illegibility of her advertisement taunts us, as only the odd words or phrases can be seen — like "experience," "not cheap," and "a night you'll never forget." Whether a promise of hot, steamy sex, or an invitation to meet a recently divorced Friends star and Vince Vaughn, she shares column inches with Miss Sabrina in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Radiohead

Band whose music might be said to be less than optimistic. There, there, Veronica. While you were climbing up the walls in misery, Duncan left you high and dry to sulk over your bad temper. But he's not a total creep - just thinking about you, wanting you fitter, happier. Put your emotions in limbo and go to sleep, girl, then you and Duncan won't be such a case of 2+2=5. He'll keep everything in its right place for you, and, if you are lucky, teach you how to disappear completely. I might be wrong about that being what you think you want, but there were no surprises here when the Donut misjudged your mood in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Rafe

Hearst College student. Shawn Rafe is in Cory Logan and Eric's Wallace's sociology class and participated in Mr. Feeny's Dr. Kinny's prisoner/guard experiment with them. He managed to turn into a sadistic guard in two seconds flat. Something tells me this boy needs to meet the world. Or not. Rafe's a jerk in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week" and he get busted for having Minkus Horshack take his test for him in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity." Topanga!

-alliterator

All bios: 3.06 3.02
Played by Rider Strong.
Seth Rafter
See Rafter, Seth
Rain

Aka Debbie Meyer, a Moon Calf Collective member who has found a better life, although she'd still give her body for a chocolate taco ice cream dessert in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Played by Megalyn Echikunwoke.
Rainer Maria

Indie rock band from Wisconsin named after German-language poet Rainer Maria Rilke. Mercer sits in front of his Rainer Maria poster as he grabs some more GHB, spurred on by Veronica's blowing her rape whistle quite loudly. It's strange how the ears ring after a night of wrongdoing. Mercer needs contact daily, his conscience is failing in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-Polter-Cow

Judy Rainier
See Rainier, Judy
Senator Rake
See Rake, Senator
The Rakes

Brit band whose poster is up at the Pi Sigma Sigma house. Made up of four skinny guys (hence the name), they've toured with Franz Ferdinand, the Buzzcocks, and other Brit-y bands. Don't know, they just seem a bit too...British for the frat bros in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf," and we don't find out enough about Sully to know if they're really his type in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-funky-donut

All bios: 3.07 3.04
Kate Rakes
See Rakes, Kate
Ralph

A cartoon wolf. Every day, Ralph punches in his timecard and chats with his colleague, Sam the sheepdog. Every day, Ralph tries to eat sheep. Every day Sam stops him, pummeling him into goo on each occasion. And every night, they clock out with a cheery farewell. Aww. Vinnie sees Veronica as the wolf in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-Inigo

Ramirez
See Ramirez,
Kellee Ramm
See Ramm, Kellee
Ramones

Band. If you were to guess which of the Fab Four had this sticker on the door of their locker, would you be right? Who would be cool enough to celebrate the first punk band? Duncan?! Well! Pre-season one, the boy had cred. So the next question is, when did he give it to Veronica Mars, in whose locker it now resides? Check for yourself in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling" and 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-Inigo

All bios: 2.08 1.13
John Ramos
See Ramos, John
Rams

An 09er.
Who?
Rams.
Who the heck is Rams?
No idea.
Then why is he here?
Dickface mentioned him as one of the 09ers that was going to meet him and Logan and Cassidy to set the grass alight on Pan High's football field.
Oh. Not real rams then?
No.
Shame.
Yeah.
I could get behind real rams.
Yeah. Problem is, I reckon Dick could too, and they already snuck in the Shocker gesture.
Oh, yeah. Maybe another time.
Rams avoids being another innuendo in 2.01 "Normal Is the Watchword."

-Inigo

Rancid

Punk band. What, with a name like Rancid, you weren't expecting them to be a smooth jazz trio, did you? No, they're one of the big names in modern punk rock and have been since the nineties. Logan's destination is not unknown: it's Piz's face. Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac; the boy's a time bomb in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-Polter-Cow

Randall

Sarah Williams's stepfather. You know you might need to work on your parenting skills when you make Aaron look like Father of the Year. A love-the-mother-love-the-daughter type, he is a cad and a bounder in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-wyk

Played by John J. York.
Barry Randall
 
Thurman Randolph
See Randolph, Thurman
Willie Randolph
See Randolph, Willie
Randy

Dick's surfboard shaper. That sounds dirty. How about the man who shapes Dick's surfboard, is that better? What we know is that all his loving craftmanship went for nothing. But it was for a good cause. Hey, Veronica? Has stepping on the gas ever felt so satisfying? See the surfboard splinter in 1.21 "A Trip to the Dentist."

-Inigo

Randy #2

I am the very model of a karaoke singer guy.
Public domain keeps producers from spending not one finger fry.
Java the Hut is where I sing my stunning aural composites,
But though I leave my jar out it is bare of any deposits.
I choose the G&S because it is a rather sunny tune,
But people look at me as if I am some kind of funny loon.
One day soon I'll join the lowly ranks of the sick and the dead,
So hear me but don't see me in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Polter-Cow

Randy #3

Convenience store clerk. Inconveniently, he doesn't remember seeing Professor Hank Landry the night of Dean O'Dell's murder. However, he knows exactly when the shift change occurs for the strip joint across the street. A kindly, down-on-her-luck "Catholic school girl" who smuggles cantaloupes in her shirt thinks that Randy is the only man on the planet who isn't scum in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Benjamin Seay.
Rat Boy

Juvenile delinquent, possessor of a very strange accent, stealer of stuff. Rat Boy is the curly-haired moppet who files a false report with Veronica about who stole all of Piz's worldly possessions. He also calls overweight women "heifers," which is just charming, in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-funky-donut

Played by Jesse Fremont Allis.
Mildred Ratched
See Ratched, Mildred
Jeff Ratner
 
Ratsie

Pi Sigma-ite. It's hard to decide what's more interesting about this frat boy. Do we spend time wondering why exactly his nickname is Ratsie? Or do we assume that it's a reference to his appearance and guess that's why he only has five points? Do we try to figure out why the only memento he has on the scoreboard seems to be a "legalize marijuana" bumper sticker? Or maybe we can just write him off as a neanderthal pig and cease thinking about him at all. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-public displays of lust

Raver

He wants to get the party started, but the stuffiness of the Fuller home crushes his festive spirits before they can take off in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Randy Seidman.
Ray-Ray

Weevil's co-worker at the car wash. He's late for work, and Weevil's mad. Too bad Ray-Ray's tardiness causes Weevil to put a fist through a vending machine. Maybe the boss should fire Ray-Ray instead of Weevil in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-fulfilled

Reception Clerk at Hotel

This brunette beauty falls for the wiles of the two smartest P.I.s in Neptune when Veronica and Keith convince her that Veronica has been impregnated by an unknown assailant in one of her hotel rooms. She gives up the goods to help solve the credit card mystery in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-topanga

Played by Tina Molina.
Receptionist

Desk clerk at the Sheriff's department. Inga's surprisingly hot weekend sub is easily fooled by Veronica's rather impromptu disguise in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Leslie Durso.
Tyler Rechif
See Rechif, Tyler
Prosecutor Mitch Redding
See Redding, Prosecutor Mitch
Orville Redenbacher
See Redenbacher, Orville
Robert Redford
See Redford, Robert
Edward Reed
See Reed, Edward
Reggie

One of Leanard Lobo's goons. Palookas. Lackeys. Minions. You get the idea. I wonder if he hangs out with Moose or Archie Andrews? He certainly won't be going out with anybody named Veronica, that's for sure, in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-alliterator

Reggie #2

Security guard at the Neptune Grand and old friend of Keith who (if he's got any idea how to have a good time) probably spends his entire day watching people on closed-captioned surveillance video. It's convenient when your daughter dates a kid so rich he's got a permanent suite at a ritzy hotel with lots and lots of cameras; most fathers have to settle for making intimidating comments when the new beau comes for dinner. Still, there's only so far this law-abiding man can go for even the most noble P.I. in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-ninamazing

Played by Jay Brian Winnick.
Charles Reh
See Reh, Charles
Tara Reid
See Reid, Tara
Bob Reid
See Reid, Bob
Laura Renato
See Renato, Laura
Reporter

She's no Clark Kent when it comes to investigative journalism, but she hits Sheriff Lamb with incisive questions about the class divide in Neptune and the nature of the bus crash in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Lee Ann Kim.
Reporter #2

More reactionary than...actionary, she pretty much just asks for clarification about things. I mean, how many journalism classes did she have to take to come up with "Such as?" in 2.02 "Driver Ed"?

-Polter-Cow

Played by Lauren Krause.
Restaurant Manager

Sympathetic to Veronica's plight, she hands out confident data and implicates Clarence Wiedman, Jr. as a blackmailing fiend and passable photographer in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Inger Tudor.
Restless Student

Some dude. He has nothing to say to the Rent-a-Cops but "That rug really tied the room together." Or something comparably useless. He doesn't even get a name; you can't expect him to have an important line! He is Restless Student, abiding but not confiding in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Matthew Barker.
The Retriever

Veronica's alias when writing a blackmailing email to Pop. Whilst Veronica might be a whiz at bringing back the quarry, her canine namesake is most valued for its soft mouth and great willingness to please, learn, and obey. These are not really the traits one associates with Miss Mars, particularly in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

The Reveler

Pseudonym for one of the PiSS frat jerks at Hearst College. Revel in his published score of 150 and its square root, coincidentally the same as his IQ, in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Reverend

He'd rather fulfill his duties than hang around with the horrible Mann family. The happy bride agrees with him in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Jack Owen.
Scarlett Reyes
See Reyes, Scarlett
Marisol Reyes
See Reyes, Marisol
Carter Reynaud
See Reynaud, Carter
Madeline Reynolds
See Reynolds, Madeline
Lucy Ricardo
See Ricardo, Lucy
Richie Rich
See Rich, Richie
Keith Richards
See Richards, Keith
Tyson Richardson
See Richardson, Tyson
Richie

Student and jock at Pan High. He's kind of sweet and kind of sweet on Betty. Hm. Does this sound familiar? The writers enjoy the Archie parallels with a lookalike in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Kyle Searles.
Nicole Richie
See Richie, Nicole
Rick

Neptune High student and mediocre forger. Rick tries to frame Veronica for fake ID manufacture. Anyone who would wear a sweater that geeky should know better than to tangle with a member of the Mars family. Like father, like son, Rick's dishonesty is exposed, with rather more style than Rick has, in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-wyk

Played by J.D. Pardo.
Rick #2

Someone who leaves his number on Parker's whiteboard outside her room. We don't know much about Rick, but we've decided he's studying law and has traveled to Neptune all the way from Maine. He drives a blue Toyota Corolla that used to belong to his mom. His last two girlfriends have been brunettes, but the relationships ended badly. He's looking for a fling with a hot blonde to kiss his troubles away. Or, possibly not in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-fickledame

Russle Riel
See Riel, Russle
Victoria Riggleman
See Riggleman, Victoria
J.B. Riley
See Riley, J.B.
rishiMangTok

Email correspondent of Dick Casablancas. Foreign exchange student? Unfortunate sneeze during email account signup? Typing under the influence? We'll never know what rishi ("Tok" to his friends) was thinking or whether he appreciated Dick's "Emission to Mars" forward in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-misskiwi

Josh Ritter
See Ritter, Josh
Rival Frat Guy

Non-Pi Sig. You think he's mean for mocking Chip Diller after his humiliating Easter-egg ordeal, but really, he's only using every opportunity to practice for his future career as a musical star in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Chase Penny.
Melissa Rivers
See Rivers, Melissa
Rob

Amateur homeless boxer. We're guessing with the name here, as the guy doesn't speak with much diction and Logan is too engrossed in his role of M.C. to say it properly. Closed caption says it's Robble Robble, but come on! What does happen is that Logan embellishes Rob's stuttered utterance to Robbo Robber, or Robble Robble, to match the flair of other boxer's name. Does Lightning Mike have flair? From Neptune, he is one of the stars of The Smoking Gun exposé that embarrasses Aaron in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-Inigo

John G. Roberts
See Roberts, John G.
Dr. Roberts
See Roberts, Dr.
The Robertsons
See Robertsons, The
Ruffy Robertsons
See Robertsons, Ruffy
Rocco

One of Veronica's imaginary friends. She pushes them aside when corporeal company, in the form of Meg and Duncan, arrives in 1.18 "Weapons of Class Destruction."

-Inigo

Rock-A-Billy Loser

A loser who must be into rockabilly, according to the credits. Logan thinks he'd be the perfect guy for Veronica to move on to. This is a reminder that Logan is a jackass. This guy, he still thinks smirking while doing a finger gun is cool. He is a TOTAL loser loser bo boser, banana fana fo foser, mi my mo moser, LOSER! in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Brian Casey.
RockerPocker

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. forum who asks "Does he have to know?" Know what? Know how to multiply? Know how to spell? Know that you're gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide? Wait, it's probably that last one in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-alliterator

Jim Rockford
See Rockford, Jim
Norman Rockwell
See Rockwell, Norman
Sam Rockwell
See Rockwell, Sam
Rocky

Pool cleaner at the Sunset Cliffs Apartments, home of Veronica Mars. Veronica, don't you think you should use your P.I. skills to do a background check on his pool cleaning abilities? And if that involves taking a swim in that pool while wearing a pink bikini, well...no one said being a P.I. was easy. Rocky skims the pool in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-wyk

Played by Rocky Reilly.
Rodney

Wanda Varner supporter. He hoped she would give the 09ers hell. We wonder if he wants her to "go to hell" now it is known that she is a narc in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-wyk

Rodney #2

Someone who wants Piz to call him, according to Piz's whiteboard. Could this be Rodney Goodman? Could Piz be the secret Goodman brother? Could I be overspeculating? Find out next week!!! No, wait, sorry. He's probably just some guy that knows Piz in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-alliterator

Carlos Rodriguez
See Rodriguez, Carlos
Roger

An employee of the Beacon Corporation. At the smile of a pretty girl, he turns Super, except, not so much. He proves useless in turning on a car tracking device in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Played by Ryan Drummond.
I. Roger
See Roger, I.
Roger #2

Veronica's dead uncle, who may or may not be real, and may or may not be dead. Veronica wanted to nail a psychic and so spun a tale about which inhabitant of the underworld she wished to hear from. Imagine her surprise when Uncle Roger turned into a jealous Lilly in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Inigo

K. Rogers
See Rogers, K.
Robert Rogers
See Rogers, Robert
Alicia Roldan
See Roldan, Alicia
Rolling Stones

Long in the tooth band. Second only to the The Beatles in popularity in the sixties, they have gone and on and on and on... Lothario and teacher Chuck Rooks uses side two of Tattoo You to seduce in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-Inigo

Romeo

The original lovesick fool and used to describe others in a similar condition. Given the character's end, and stalker laws, modern day Romeos might want to rethink their strategies. Veronica searches for Meg's Romeo in 1.15 "Ruskie Business" and for Trina's less savory one in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Ronald

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Ronald #2

Middle-school student and future misogynist of America. Shocked that little-old-females can work for the FBI, Ronald is taken down a peg by Veronica's smug remarks. Clearly, the kid has never watched The Silence of the Lambs in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-bethgee

Played by Tyler Foden.
Mr. Roofie
See Roofie, Mr.
Rookie Deputy

Naïve newbie on the Neptune force. This fine gentleman wants to actually — gasp — take a bomb threat from Hearst seriously, but Deputy Jerry Sacks has become jaded from hanging around a bumbling, arrogant fool for too long and dissuades him, claiming that the Hearst Campus Police will take care of it. Had the new guy won the argument they would have been on hand to rescue Veronica, but she manages to find someone else to do it in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-fulfilled

Played by Artie O'Daly.
Chuck Rooks
See Rooks, Chuck
Olivia Rooks
See Rooks, Olivia
Eleanor Roosevelt
See Roosevelt, Eleanor
Hermann Rorschach
See Rorschach, Hermann
Pete Rose
See Rose, Pete
Rose

Girl who got her stuff stolen by the Welcome Wagon. Only memorable because she was a junior and not a freshman, like the others. Briefly considered and discarded as a suspect by Veronica. Her full name must be Rose Red Herring in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Played by Jessica Scheid.
Budd Rose
See Rose, Budd
Selma Hearst Rose
See Rose, Selma Hearst
Rosebud

Name of that sled in Citizen Kane. Much like Charles Foster Kane's old toy is a symbol for his lost childhood and his inability to love, the Wannabes album I Am God could be a symbol for someone in Neptune having a scarily big ego and precious little concern for his fellow beings — someone who, say, may have caused a school bus to go over a cliff. Or maybe it's just a clue that Marcos Oliveres really liked to indulge in creative vandalism in 2.18 "I Am God."

-grimsqueaker

Rosemary

Character in the film Rosemary's Baby. When names Logan "Neptune High Cock of the Walk" for the 40th consecutive week, he describes him as "Rosemary's Baby, the teen years." The gamine Mia Farrow spent the duration of the movie in a state of terror, fearing that she was giving birth to the devil. She did, but she loved it anyway, just as Lynn loved her little imp...until she stepped off the Coronado Bridge. The Cap'n makes the connection in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!", repeated in 2.18 "I Am God."

-Inigo

All bios: 2.18 2.08
Rosencrantz

A minor character in Shakespeare's Hamlet. Apparently, he and some friend of his have passed on. He is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! He's pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible! At least, that's the rumor. However, despite the fact that he's an ex-Rosencrantz, he, along with the play from which he hailed, is still being studied by Mr. Daniel's lit class in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-public displays of lust

Danny Rossow
See Rossow, Danny
Ellen Rousch
See Rousch, Ellen
Madame Rousseau
See Rousseau, Madame
Roxie

Neptune High student and sister of Ryan who showed her cans for cash and all that jazz. Though, if she was played by Renée Zellweger, we'd have to go all Danny Boyd and ask "What cans?" in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-alliterator

Played by Kim Kutner.
Roxy

A chow and one of the lost dogs of Neptune.
The name on everybody's lips is gonna be Roxy.
The dog they're searching for in droves is gonna be Roxy.
She's gonna be a celebrity.
That means a canine everyone knows.
They're gonna recognize her eyes,
Her coat, her teeth, her ears, her nose.

At least, that's what the owner is hoping by posting her picture in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Monte Rucker
See Rucker, Monte
Rashard Rucker
See Rucker, Rashard
Rudolfo

He's the subject of one of the top stories in the Chicago Statesman. Who is Rudolfo? Some agent of a jolly fat man with his secret weapon being a shiny red nose? Or a Hitler impersonater who got the name wrong? What is the conspiracy at work here? Let's hope it involves Hitler's brain in an ape's body in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-alliterator

Dean Rudolph
See Rudolph, Dean
Rufus

Dog. Veronica rescues this golden Labrador whose lost poster is in the park in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

Diane Ruggiero
See Ruggiero, Diane
Carmen Ruiz
 
Todd Russell
See Russell, Todd
Seth Russell
See Russell, Seth
Russian Lit Student

Student at Hearst. This innocent student was just quietly lurking around the library. He was probably looking for some gossip to pass the time, since he needed a change from War and Peace. Unfortunately, he was not given this chance. Veronica and Bonnie obviously did not like his cologne in 3.12 "There's Got To Be A Morning After Pill."

-dutchmoxie

Played by Kasey Mahaffy.
Ryan
 
Meg Ryan
See Ryan, Meg
Rob S.
See S., Rob
Misha S.
See S., Misha
Miss Sabrina

Phone sex provider. Not really. You see, someone is out to bother Sabrina Fuller. They want to disrupt her studies. They choose a variety of means, one of which is to advertise that she engages in certain extracurricular activities. Frankly, the uptight Miss Fuller could learn something from the loose Miss Sabrina in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Main character in and title of a TV show. She always won the day, and, as Hamilton Cho wryly notes, her namesake in Neptune is similarly advantaged. Sabrina Fuller may not have magical powers, but she has Veronica working for her, which is much the same thing in 1.17 "Kanes and Abel's."

-Inigo

Greg Sachen
See Sachen, Greg
Deputy Jerry Sacks
 
Pat Sajak
See Sajak, Pat
Sal

A Keith alias. A County Water Department inspector, Sal checks the pipes at the Moon Calf Collective. Of course, he doesn't really check the pipes. He plants bugs to enable him to eavesdrop on the Collective's activities. He discovers a horrible secret. Listening to them is like listening to The Brady Bunch with a reggae soundtrack. They must be evil. No wonder he is so unhappy when he spots Marcia Veronica there, in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Salesman

Boat salesman. He's got it all: fancy blazer, overly friendly smile, and a clipboard in hand. He's ready to do the hard sell on a bereaved widow, but Mindy makes it easy for him. She picks out a $275,300 "boat" in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Chuck Raucci.
Sally

Name on a wall. Much love is declared on the boys' bathroom walls, while much war is fought in the room itself. Sally is one of the recipients of the former in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-grimsqueaker

Sally #2

A mysterious woman in Dick and Cassidy's past. Or, considering Dick's most recent tryst, can we assume that she is a "she" at all? Nah. No rational, thinking human being could possibly fall for that same trick twi— Oh...right. Hmm. Well, whoever she is, Dick is scared away from brutalizing his hotter awesomer younger brother by mere mention of her name in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-public displays of lust

Sam

A sheepdog in cartoon land. Veronica calls Vinnie this when she finds him watching her. In animator Chuck Jones's well-known parable, Sam and Ralph, a wolf, clock in each morning, exchanging pleasantries, and clock off in similar fashion. In between, Sam beats the crap out of Ralph as the latter tries to eat the sheep. Their livelihoods as sworn enemies depend on each other, the Warner Brothers classic cartoon teaches us. So, wait a minute. This makes Veronica the wolf? This is just one of the many puzzles in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-Inigo

Sam #2

PHAT prankster. He teams up with Darla to initiate Mac and Veronica into PHAT, even going so far as to pose nude himself for their "anti-fur campaign" (and the boy has got some nice abs!)...and then pulling open the curtain. Turns out, he's just comfortable in his own body, but he's not asking everyone else to feel the same way about theirs in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-fulfilled

Played by Greg Wayne.
Sampson
See Sampson,
Dirty Sanchez
See Sanchez, Dirty
Detective Sanchez
See Sanchez, Detective
The Sandman

Semi-creepy character in folklore who sprinkles sand into children's eyes to make them sleep, or a dark, brooding ruler of the Dreaming? You decide. Also, would you describe Logan as having "two lips like roses or clovers"? Though I bet many watchers would like to tell him his lonesome nights were over. The Sandman doesn't give Veronica a break in 2.18 "I Am God."

-alliterator

Mrs. Sansone
See Sansone, Mrs.
J.D. Sansone
See Sansone, J.D.
Santa Claus

Father Christmas. It's graduation day and even though it's not the season, everyone is given some awesome presents worthy of Neptune's Santa: Veronica gets some healthy exercise, Logan loses another parent, Duncan gets to order his first murder, Cassidy becomes a hood ornament, and Mac gets a brand-new, shiny trauma all for herself! After his previous visits in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid," 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas," and 2.10 "One Angry Veronica," Santa gets name-checked, to dire results in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 2.22 2.10 1.09
Rick Santorum
See Santorum, Rick
Sarah

Receptionist at the Duke Hotel. Or the Villa Marquis. It is a bit of a puzzle, as the hotel seems to change its name halfway through the episode. Anyhoo, we have to think that Sarah is really irked at Dime Bag and his crew for being arrogant arseholes, for she stands back and watches while Veronica cons them in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Played by Fabiola Francesca.
Sarah #2

Student at Hearst College with horrible handwriting. "Cuebourd"? "Curboard"? Oh, "Cute board"! Anyway, she wants Parker to call her in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-funky-donut

Sarah #3

She...uh...organizes parties. She may be one of the Benes Hall resident advisors, having that air of authority about her. She may have a well-developed community spirit, having that enthusiasm about her. She may be an upbeat person, having that chirpiness about her. She may be creative and fun, having that eye for design about her. What she doesn't have is a name in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-Inigo

Played by Jackie Tohn.
Jessica K. Sardford
See Sardford, Jessica K.
Sergeant Saro
See Saro, Sergeant
Mr. Sarro
See Sarro, Mr.
Sasaki
See Sasaki,
Satan

The Devil. Prince of Darkness. Mephistopheles. Lucifer. That guy who rules over H E double hockey sticks. Once the right hand of God, he got uppity, started a war, and got cast out of heaven. He went on to have a long and illustrious career of being blamed for the bad things that people do, inscribing the number 666 on all of his possessions, and being portrayed in film and television by a wide array of actors such as Al Pacino, John Glover, and...Elizabeth Hurley. Well, can't win them all. At any rate, Veronica and Maureen add fathering Dick Casablancas out of wedlock to Beelzebub's long list of sins in 2.18 "I Am God." and Weevil is proud to have met him halfway by owning locker 333 in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks"

-public displays of lust

All bios: 2.19 2.18
Allen Saunders
See Saunders, Allen
Cherie Parker Saunders
See Saunders, Cherie Parker
Chelsea Gay Saunders
See Saunders, Chelsea Gay
Ernie Sawyers
See Sawyers, Ernie
Ernie Sayers
See Sayers, Ernie
Professor Grace Schaffer
See Schaffer, Professor Grace
Margot Schnell
See Schnell, Margot
Abby Schwartz
See Schwartz, Abby
Sam Schwartz
See Schwartz, Sam
Arnold Schwarzenegger
See See Scw Scha Schwartz under S.
Vic Sciaraffa
See Sciaraffa, Vic
Johnny Scopes
See Scopes, Johnny
George C. Scott
See Scott, George C.
Jean Scribeer
See Scribeer, Jean
Judy Scrivano
See Scrivano, Judy
Scrote

Pi Sigma Sigma stud. Scrote's still at the mental age of a zygote, with all the classiness that connotes. He may dote on goats, but his main occupation is to gloat over the sowing of wild oats. Vote not to dwell on what the nickname denotes in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-marksoflove

Scumbo

A fratboy at Pi Sigma. Perhaps a brother to Jumbo? Do they eat gumbo? Have big ears like Dumbo? Solve mysteries like Columbo? Speak in mumbo jumbo? Okay, I've run out of things that rhyme with Scumbo, so I'll just leave it at that. Scumbo doesn't appear in 2.16 "The Rumbo of Grumbo."

-alliterator

Sea Monkey

The name Wallace gave his plane, even though it had nothing to do with water or monkeys and, oh, yeah, they prefer to be called "Brine Shrimp Americans" now, thank you very much. So much for political correctness or perhaps I'm just putting too much thought into this, as Wallace was going on fifteen minutes of sleep when he named it in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-alliterator

Ryan Seacrest
See Seacrest, Ryan
Second Resident

A resident of Benes Hall who responds to Parker's cry of rape. He doesn't say much, but he sticks pretty closely to Moe, rightly deducing that Moe is a part of everything that's going on. A good citizen (apparently there are some left!) and good-hearted guy, he checks to make sure Parker's okay and is the first one to follow her into Moe's room, where they find Veronica in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-fulfilled

Played by Drew Messinger-Michaels.
Secretary

Gatekeeper to Jack Montana, the County Assessor. When you're named after a state and have the kind of looks that might make Kendall Casablancas meet you in hotel rooms, you have to have an old battle-axe at the door, to stop those meddling snoopers. Or maybe she's not just the secretary, but the evil genius behind it all; we never do learn if she's a pawn in the Casablancas real-estate scam in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo, bethgee

Played by Mary Lou Flesh.
Security Guard

Bosses are normally happy when their employees deliver important packages. Not so much when the boss is Clarence Wiedman and the package is a series of surveillance photos — of him. This security guard begs him not to shoot the messenger in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-topanga

Played by Erin Cronican.
Security Guard #2

He's the pawn with the brawn to stop the fight with his might between Logan and Weevil. Watch out, Couch Preppernau! Your job's in jeopardy in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator

Played by John Branagan.
Fern Sedino
See Sedino, Fern
Seemingly Interested Guy

That guy who was talking to Veronica, but who totally dissed her by looking at that other chick across the room. I mean, like, that was totally rude! If you don't want to talk to Veronica, the least you can do is pretend to have to go to the bathroom. That's the correct Party Etiquette. Seemingly Interested Guy should be Seemingly Beer-in-the-Face Guy (though I guess Veronica's not that vindictive) in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-alliterator

Played by Jack Sway.
Jacob Seideman
See Seideman, Jacob
Robin Selby
See Selby, Robin
Rod Serling
See Serling, Rod
Seth

College Student who wants to be called. Or a college student who someone wants the person living behind this door to call. Take your pick in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Anne Sexton
See Sexton, Anne
John Shaft
See Shaft, John
Shaggy

A member of the Scooby gang. No, the ORIGINAL Scooby gang. The ones that had a dog named Scooby-Doo. And smoked a lot of pot solved a lot of mysteries. Well, Wallace does solve the occasional mystery, so he's forgiven for his aspirations in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody," and given that Corny seems like just the type of guy to exclaim "Zoinks!" when tasered, Arturo is not far off with his comparison in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

All bios: 2.14 1.05
Shakes

Dog that ended up in the kidnap pound. Veronica rescues Kristen Bell's dog (think about it...there you go, you got it) in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-Inigo

William Shakespeare
See Shakespeare, William
Shane

Neptune High School student and partygoer. Veronica Mars called him Bud at Madison's party and for a while he lived in the glossary as Bud #2. He is a little shaggy but we were confident that he was not Inga's dog. The credits reveal all, including the real name of the character who corners Veronica, looking for dirt on his parents, in 1.11 "Silence of the Lamb."

-Inigo

Played by Justin Lang.
Shania

Zeta Theta Beta sister with a penchant for stealing — I mean, "borrowing" — purses, among other things. Karen thinks she has a heart of gold. Marjorie thinks she's out to rifle through Veronica's wardrobe. Veronica thinks she's just like the rest of the Theta Betas (but we're fairly certain that no one thinks she's a country-pop singer) in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-fulfilled

Played by Robyn Richards.
Robert Shapiro
See Shapiro, Robert
Omar Sharif
See Sharif, Omar
Sharon

Neptune lady. Take Aaron Echolls, add hard cider, and mix at the Casablancas Halloween party. Result? Three bonking sessions in one night. One was with Monica. One was with fake-breasted Deborah. By process of elimination, Sharon is the one in white in the picture shown in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-Inigo

Alfred Sharp
See Sharp, Alfred
Anne Shaughnessy
See Shaughnessy, Anne
Shauna

Troy's other girlfriend. She is the one with the big mouth and the burning panties and...so not going any further. Veronica's message to Troy, that Shauna is a keeper, did not go down all that well in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Tommy Shaw
See Shaw, Tommy
Shelby

Repugnant 09er. It's not so much that she is obnoxious to Jessie. It's not so much that she is obsequious to Veronica. It's that the actress does both in that sing-song-y Valley Girl way that merits banishment from treading the boards and a fifty-year gig as an entertainment officer on Princess Rustbucket as it cruises the Arctic. Shelby, deservedly, gets decked in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Inigo

Played by Sarah Vincelett.
Shelley
 
Josie Shelman
See Shelman, Josie
Ben Sherman
See Sherman, Ben
Aunt Sheryl

A Mars relative living in Palm Springs. Veronica must really dislike her, as she prefers a history test and a Spanish project over truancy to go visiting in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Kendall Lacey Shifflet
See Shifflet, Kendall Lacey
Kendall Shiflett
See Shiflett, Kendall
Allison Shivan
See Shivan, Allison
Parker Short
See Short, Parker
Shredder

A fratboy on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. Rumor has it he's the go-to guy for brothers who want to avoid identity theft and that he runs around the house wearing a mask and singing, "When the evil Shredder attacks, these Turtle Boys don't cut him no slack!"He's on the Pi Sigma scoreboard, but we never learn his true identity in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-topanga

Sid the Organizer

Gangly, pasty organizer of the Valentine's Day Scavenger Hunt. We've all heard February 14th described as Singles Awareness Day, but Sid, the (potentially) lovelorn riddle-writer, takes avoiding loneliness to a new level. Who needs a VHS copy of Love Story when you can laugh creepily at Logan's Congress of the Cow? Sid gives us the wiggins in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-Alex

Played by Matthew Barber.
Jane Sierra
See Sierra, Jane
Silence of the Lambs

Dick's name for the character who does all the killin' in the book of the same name. Logan's suite isn't quite Jame Gumb's basement, but for women to get naked around Dick, he needs all the Scent Fresh he can get. For Dick to remember Gumb's name is too much to expect from one whose entire existence revolves around his own namesake. This is, interestingly enough, the polar opposite of said Gumb, whose entire existence revolved around eliminating all things dickish. What a shame Gumb shows up in name — sort of — only in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-Inigo

Silkworm

Band. A poster for their album Blueblood adorns Max's wall in...what, do you expect something clever about these guys? Do you know how many frickin' bands are on posters at Hearst College? What is with college kids and all their freaking music, huh? Do they not realize it just makes more work for us? In my day, we all listened to U2. AND THAT WAS IT. Silkworm spin their way onto MI.net in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Marcus Silva
See Silva, Marcus
Franklina Silver
See Silver, Franklina
Silver Sun

Band big in Japan and featured on the cover of Kerrang! Yeah, doesn't really sound like Mozart boy to us, either, but you know, Moe is a kid of hidden depths — really, really deep, abyss-worthy depths. And, you know, maybe it's not even the real Silver Sun's poster that lives on his notice board, next to his prized photo of himself and Mercer taking part in the Stanford Hearst prison experiment, but someone called Silver Sunil, the crooning cow, or Silver Sunga, the shrieking hairless. Actually, that last one makes a twisted sort of sense given the events in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-Inigo

Anquan Simmons
See Simmons, Anquan
Amy Simmons
See Simmons, Amy
Kevin Simmons
See Simmons, Kevin
Simon

One-half of Simon & Stern, the Neptune school board's lawyers. Does not-so-simple Simon surrender to the sound of silence? We don't know, since he's in the (grace)land of the unseen in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-alliterator

O.J. Simpson
See Simpson, O.J.
Jessica Simpson
See Simpson, Jessica
Andrea Sims
See Sims, Andrea
Madison Sinclair
 
Ellen Sinclair
See Sinclair, Ellen
Lauren Sinclair
See Sinclair, Lauren
Single Mother Waitress

Member of the jury. She's a mother. She's single. She's a waitress. What more do you need? Her name really gives it all away in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Ursula Whittaker.
Six

The sexiest cylon in all the universe. Plink plink-plink plink plink plink plink...Ah, when that music starts plinking, you know things are about to get crazy sexy on Battlestar Galactica. Fifteen-foot-tall and stacked Tricia Helfer plays Six, a Cylon of whom there are many copies. Most memorably, there is Chip Six, the imaginary (sort of?) version of herself that appears in Gaius Baltar's head to taunt/have sex with/encourage/generally mess with him. If Wendy is Six, does that mean Max is destined to betray his own race, which leads to their destruction, only to become their president, and then become a pawn in humanity's enslavement? Luckily for Max, Wendy isn't really a Six in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-funky-donut

Skatepunk

Dude! Did you see that awesome triple-roller-jump-sidewind-thingamajig.... All right, I don't know any skateboarding terms. But this skatepunk doesn't seem that smart either, as he says the lunchlady is "retarded or deaf or something." He's no Spicoli in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Dwight Ketchum.
Phylis Skiencars
See Skiencars, Phylis
Moe Slater
 
Sleazy

Logan Echolls, according to Veronica. Whilst it is hard to imagine a character any less like a cold-ridden dwarf, Veronica's variation is not without merit, given the boy's tendency for 2 a.m. phone calls to the local tart. Lest it is thought that Veronica is being overly harsh, Logan started the Snow White homage, with his "Hi Ho" greeting in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-Inigo

Sleeping Beauty

Fairy tale princess, Logan, and Mason's new nickname for Wallace. Princess Aurora was put under a spell, fell into a deep sleep for 100 years, and was woken up by the kiss of a handsome prince in Charles Perrault's classic story. Princess Logan was knocked out by thugs attempting to avenge Felix Toombs' murder, was tied up and thrown in a dark room, and woke up with a gun in his face in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!" Princess Wallace was caught cheating and pledged to bring his grades back up, was lulled into a deep sleep by his mechanical-engineering textbook, and was woken up by Piz poking him with a tennis racket in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-fulfilled

All bios: 3.06 2.08
Sly's Friend #2

A friend of Sly. Specifically, one that taunts Carrie Bishop with the smooth, dulcet tones of Sting and the Police. Well, except for the "smooth" and "dulcet" parts. Sly's friends really can't carry a tune in 1.14 "Mars vs. Mars."

-alliterator

Played by Deana Tucker.
Smalls

Name used by a Pi Sigma Sigma fraternity boy at Hearst College on the board that records their sexual fantasies conquests. Now Smalls may be small, a fact that he surprisingly advertises, but he writes big in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-Inigo

Biggie Smalls
See Smalls, Biggie
Jake Smith
See Smith, Jake
John #3 Smith
See Smith, John #3
John #4 Smith
See Smith, John #4
Justin Smith
See Smith, Justin
Lucy Smith
See Smith, Lucy
John #2 Smith
See Smith, John #2
John Smith
See Smith, John
Deputy Smith
See Smith, Deputy
Amy Smith
See Smith, Amy
Anna Nicole Smith
See Smith, Anna Nicole
Bill Smith
See Smith, Bill
Mr. Smith
See Smith, Mr.
Craig Smith
See Smith, Craig
Waylon Smithers
See Smithers, Waylon
Rodney Smithey
See Smithey, Rodney
Snake_Bite

One of the gaming club screennames in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Sneed Batman Guy

Member of the chem-centric softball team. This not-completely-unfortunate-looking nerd helps Veronica track down Jason Cohen AND proves that science geeks have hand-eye coordination in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Alex

Played by David Giuntoli.
Sneezy

One of Snow White's seven dwarves. Colleague of Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, Dopey, and Doc, Sneezy is best remembered for, well, sneezing, and is most easily distinguished from the other dwarves by his perpetually red nose. Veronica anticipates an altercation with this miniscule man in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-fulfilled

Snow Patrol

Musical group. Some say bland. Some say the new Coldplay. Whoa — was that an oxymoron? Some, like Veronica Mars, love them and lend the CD out to neighbors. Is Sarah Williams grateful in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door"?

-Inigo

Snow White

Fairy-tale virgin, or so we thought. From learning that she only scored 89 on the purity test to hearing that she set her disapproving dwarves on Keith and Veronica on their last visit to Disneyland, and that a couple of the dwarves are called Mopey and Sleazy, we need to reconsider this heroine's goody-goody reputation. "Hi ho" takes on an entirely fresh perspective, and perhaps a comma, after 1.08 "Like a Virgin," 2.11 "Donut Run," and 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-Inigo

All bios: 3.08 2.11 1.08
Coach Snyder
See Snyder, Coach
socalRoller87

Veronica Internet login. This alias could signify so many things: Veronica's love of her SoCal locale. Her secret wish to be a professional roller skater. And finally, the eighty-seven times she has unsuccessfully tried to reach her BFF on the phone. On the other hand, maybe Veronica just doesn't waste her creativity on such mundane things as chat login names. SoCalRoller87 is looking for Amelia DeLongpre in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-grimsqueaker

Social Distortion

Punk band. Weevil's muse of choice when called on to write poetry for an English assignment. Well, actually, not so much muse as a source for plagiarism. Weevil's heart-felt recitation of When Angels Sing gives Veronica goosebumps and Casey the giggles. Weevil's not laughing when he is called on it in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Sodapop

Character from the book The Outsiders, played by Rob Lowe in the film of the same name. Sodapop was a handsome, happy-go-lucky member of a greaser gang in constant battle with the rival "Socs," comprised of local rich kids. When Weevil and Logan square up at the beach, Veronica uses Sodapop's name to tell the watching Wallace to be cool. Wallace's education of the dynamics of Neptune reduces his chances of staying gold in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Lenny Sofer
See Sofer, Lenny
softer_spanky69

Forum poster on Erotic Critique. From her screenname, we can deduce that she shops at Sears, is a fan of The Little Rascals, and was born in 1969. We don't see why she would be engaging in risque business in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Polter-Cow

Corazon Soliman
See Soliman, Corazon
Peter Sollesbury
See Sollesbury, Peter
Eckwood Solomon, III
See Solomon III, Eckwood
Sonja

Hearst college student. Her message on Stacy's door reads, "I'm here for you." The next line says, "Please call," which means she really isn't here for Stacy, she's just there for her. Unless Sonja is one of Stacy's multiple personalities. In which case, she really would be here, wherever Stacy is. Ay, this is confusing. Sonja inspires a Friends marathon in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff.".

-topanga

Sophia

Kane family do-this-do-that person. Servant/maid/housekeeper/domestic science advisor or whatever the title is these P.C. days, she is seen in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-Inigo

Sophocles

Philosopher. A teenaged Lianne found his words inspiring. He said: "One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; that word is love." It is a pity for Keith and Veronica that she didn't make another of his insights her guide to life: "There's nothing in the world so demoralizing as money". Sophocles is quoted, though, sadly, not in Greek, in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Southie Player #1

Oh, Southie Player #1. We hardly knew ya. No, really, we hardly knew ya. You wanted to play baseball, and you stood there with the same sullen expression on your face for your entire ten seconds of screentime in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Erin Noyd.
Space Ghost

A hero who battled evil villains in outer space. Later went on to become a talk show host. Kind of dim. The Real Kendall liked making ceramic figures of him, though we're not sure why, in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-alliterator

Kevin Spacey
See Spacey, Kevin
Kelly Spada
See Spada, Kelly
Spaghetti Server

Hearst cafeteria employee. In a show of exceptional patience and courtesy, this kindly fellow waits while Mac quibbles over vegetarian pasta entrées and Veronica rebukes her for mentally agonizing over her newly complex romantic entanglements. He does the service industry proud in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Played by David Hess.
Jimmy Spain
See Spain, Jimmy
Spaniel Man

He has a rather unique way of earning spare change by returning stolen dogs to their owners and cashing in the reward for his boss. His scheme is foiled when he meets Veronica Mars, her Backup, and said Backup's impressive set of teeth. But thanks to some inspired pantomiming, he can convince the perky girl detective that he is really just a harmless pawn in a large dognapping theme cooked up by the devious Hans in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Carlos Cervantes.
Mr. Sparky
See Sparky, Mr.
Britney Spears
See Spears, Britney
Spencer

Relative, real or honorary, of Rodney Goodman. The kid might have a dad with a face of putty, a psycho mom and a ditzy sister with a poor taste in boys, but his uncle sure knows how to pick a birthday present. Unfortunately, now that Veronica has stolen Rodney's thank you card, Spencer will never know how much Rodney liked his bike in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Inigo

Mr. Spivak
See Spivak, Mr.
Jerry Springer
See Springer, Jerry
Rick Springfield
See Springfield, Rick
Bruce Springsteen
See Springsteen, Bruce
Nancy Spungen
See Spungen, Nancy
Wilson Stables
See Stables, Wilson
Geoff Stack
See Stack, Geoff
Stacy

She rents cars. She hates her boss. She is a pushover. She lets complete strangers have the satellite location of rented vehicles. She's that dumb. Maybe she should be a model. America must be in need of a new top model, what with so many running off to marry Bradys or being driven off cliffs. The winner of an ANTM acting challenge doesn't actually do that bad a job in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Inigo

Played by Kim Stolz.
Geena Stafford
See Stafford, Geena
Staind

Rock band. It's been awhile since the fade of Staind was felt outside like a mudshovel for you. (Wow, that was easy.) Veronica claims to be a big fan in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-Polter-Cow

Aaron Staleman
See Staleman, Aaron
Sylvester Stallone
See Stallone, Sylvester
Jennifer Stansfield
See Stansfield, Jennifer
Carla Stanton
See Stanton, Carla
Star Wars Kid

An Internet institution. It's bad enough this poor kid taped himself pretending to be a Jedi Knight and was made a laughing stock when the video hit the Net. Carmen then has to lump the poor bugger with Paris Hilton as an example of the type of downloadable national joke she herself fears becoming in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo

Brad Stark
See Stark, Brad
Ms. Starr
See Starr, Ms.
Dave Starsky
See Starsky, Dave
Elaine Stephenson
See Stephenson, Elaine
Mr. Stern
See Stern, Mr.
Carla Stern
See Stern, Carla
Douglas Stern
See Stern, Douglas
Howard Stern
See Stern, Howard
Steve

Tom Cruz's Catahoula Leopard dog. He looks like an oddly colored dalmatian to us. Okay, we can get with the rare breed, but calling a dog Steve? That's just wrong, man. Excuse me a minute. Oi! Phil, stop chasing your tail! Wallace doggedly researches Steve's breed in 1.15 "Ruskie Business."

-Inigo

Steve #2

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Steve #3

Bored inmate high school kid with a magic marker. The saga continues, as Steve, the object of undying love in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner" and the bright shining hero of bathroom graffiti scribblers rebels fighting the establishment in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend," makes a triumphant return on an autoshop locker in 2.13 "Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 2.13 2.09 2.07
Jennifer Stevens
See Stevens, Jennifer
Stew

Editor and writer at The Lampoon, Hearst's controversial "humor" rag. Supporter of free speech, unfunny jokes, and possibly rape. He comes to blows with Lilith House representatives in the dean's office and on the airwaves in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-bethgee

Played by Nick Puga.
Jon Stewart
See Stewart, Jon
Mrs. Stewart
See Stewart, Mrs.
Martha Stewart
See Stewart, Martha
Levi Stinson
See Stinson, Levi
Kevin Stockland
See Stockland, Kevin
Mel Stoltz
 
Charlie Stone
See Stone, Charlie
Stoner Dude #1

As he practices for the International Hacky Sack Tournament, he shows off another talent: that of being an informant for Wallace Fennel. Dude knows a blonde chick with a nice ass when he sees one, you know what we mean? You don't, do you. That's okay. We don't know why the writers call him a stoner in 2.02 "Driver Ed."

-Polter-Cow

Played by Miko Hughes.
Store Clerk

Sells cigars and other healthy things. Most of them, unfortunately, are about as hazardous to your health as tobacco, but far less legal, which makes you wonder what an upstanding citizen like Dr. Tom Griffith does in a shady joint like his in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Jorge Ordonez.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
See Stowe, Harriet Beecher
Joe Strummer
See Strummer, Joe
Student #1

He's convinced that Grant and Liam's high-tech security system protects the computers in their dorm room. He and his friend discuss theories on their dormmates' clandestine activities with Veronica and Wallace in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-topanga

Played by Phillip Andre Botello.
Student #2

She's sure the walls in Grant and Liam's dorm room are hot because of grow lamps for marijuana. She and her friend discuss theories on their dormmates' clandestine activities with Veronica and Wallace in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-topanga

Played by April Doctolero.
Student #3

Inquiring mind in Professor Hank Landry/Tim Foyle's Criminology class. He interrupts Tim's discussion and wants to talk about the dean's murder. He accidentally causes a chain reaction conversation that leads to exposing the real killer in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-tallow

Played by Robert Bastron.
Student #4

Student in Dr. Landry's Criminology class. After another student starts the ball rolling on the who, what, when, where, and why of Landry's supposedly killing the dean, he eggs Tim on by suggesting that Mindy helped Landry do the deed. His inquisitiveness eventually leads to Tim's undoing by Veronica in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-misskiwi

Played by R. J. Cantu.
Student Announcer

Neptune High Student. She cheerfully announces that the dedication of the Lilly Kane memorial fountain will kick off the weekend's Homecoming festivities. Hmm... remembering the brutal murder of a fellow student normally doesn't put people in a festive mood, but, hey. This is Neptune. Nothing is normal. She causes Veronica and Logan to share a wistful glance in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-topanga

Played by Tracy Littlejohn.
Student Newscaster

She's cute and full of Pirate pride. What more could you ask of a student newscaster? This peppy Neptune High student introduces the videos of the Student Body presidential candidates in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-topanga

Played by Brigitte Graham.
Stupid

Logan is Stupid, according to Cliff. Apparently, turning down a one-time offer of a plea-bargain that would have allowed Logan to spend less than two years in jail qualifies someone to be Stupid. Stupid enough for Cliff to actually wear an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt to court? Cliff, be seen in something other than a dashing discount suit? *gasp!* Perhaps Cliff can have those words sewn onto the lapel of one of his suits. Logan gets some advice on dressing for a trial in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-funky-donut

Rutherford Styles
See Styles, Rutherford
Sugar

Host of a Cabaret Invitational Longball Championship. Vinnie Van Lowe sees fit to equip a pen from this prestigious event with a listening device and place it on Veronica's person. One can only assume that he was eager to hear her rendition of a Hall & Oates hit, but she doesn't have much to sing about in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-marksoflove

Yelena Sukarenko
See Sukarenko, Yelena
Yevgeni Sukarenko
See Sukarenko, Yevgeni
Sergei Sukarenko
See Sukarenko, Sergei
Sully

PCH biker. Felix sent him for Cervando to collect Weevil's bike that fateful night on the Coronado Bridge. My personal theory, though, is that he went to go meet up with Mlder to TP their rival Dogett's house, and then maybe hang out with Fohike afterward. What? What? A girl can dream. The PCH biker names are increasingly ridiculous in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-marksoflove

Detective Sunset
See Sunset, Detective
Super Hot Guy

That guy who was talking to Veronica about his ex-girlfriend. Another breach of Party Etiquette. Miss Manners would be so disappointed in the youth of today in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-alliterator

Played by Marco Dapper.
Super Huge Deputy

Not only is he a super huge deputy, he's also a super huge bouncer and a friendly acquaintance of Veronica's! Less great is Veronica's insistence in destroying our hope that he is also a super huge cage dancer, but we guess you can't have everything, can you. Super huge deputy is multi-tasking in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-grimsqueaker, alliterator

All bios: 2.12 2.11
Played by Marcello Thedford.
Superman

Superhero. His theme song goes something like this: Superman, Superman, does whatever a...super can. Okay, maybe not. But he is really super. And also a dick (but not Dick, thank god). Wallace tells Jackie that even Superman comes out of his Fortress of Solitude in 2.17 "Plan B."

-alliterator

SuperStakes

Person on Woody's contact list. Woody Goodman, you may have already won a fabulous prize! Just send us $21.95 and we'll be happy to tell you whether you've really won anything at all! It's a mystery why someone so spammy-sounding is on Woody's list in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-funky-donut

Surfer

He's never seen surfing or in possession of a surf board, but his hair and speech fit the part. He asks Sheriff Lamb if his jurisdiction extends all the way to Mexico in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-topanga

Played by Jeffrey G. Barnett.
surferalex

Assistant to Rob Thomas. No, really! It is perfectly reasonable to assume that Dick emailed Alex Mercer. Who needs a fourth wall? It's the series finale, fools! All bets are off! This is Rick Pickett's last chance to insert shoutouts into the show. Just sit back and enjoy 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Polter-Cow

Surgeon General

The leading spokesperson on public health in the US. We're pretty sure he is neither a surgeon nor a general. Of course, we've been wrong before. Veronica declares that she's calling the SG (probably to inform him of that vampire epidemic or something) in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-alliterator

Nish Sweeney
 
T

Fake producer on a fake show. Duped runs until Veronica dupes the dupers. Jimmy Spain shouts for T and Liam, when cornered by Veronica. Therefore, we reckon that T is probably the name Grant Winters uses to sucker the actors into playing their part in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Tad's Lackey

Neptune High jerkface. Forget about him insulting gay kids and zaftig girls, or being Tad's friend, have you seen this guy's sweater? Clearly his anti-social behavior is just a cry for help in his desperate fight against a crippling lack of fashion sense in 1.20 "M.A.D.."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Nat McCormick.
Mrs. Taft
See Taft, Mrs.
Chris Talley
See Talley, Chris
Tamara

Loretta Cancun's friend? Co-worker? Submissive? Arch-nemesis? We have no idea. Loretta instructs Cliff to tell "that bitch" that she can beg all she wants. Loretta is gonna testify. Tamara, honey? Sit down. You're rocking the boat in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo

Tammy

Girl in Kendall Shiflett's high school yearbook. Smiling and lovely in her yearbook picture, she probably dreamed of going to Nashville and becoming a famous country queen. Or of using a fake name and marrying a twice-divorced white knight who sweeps her off to bimbo paradise, like one of her classmates. Tammy is justified and not yet ancient in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-grimsqueaker

Taps

Name on a wall. The scribblings-on-the-wall epic continues, as Taps, the object of a love declaration on the girls' bathroom wall two episodes ago, now returns with his own signature in the boys' bathroom. Weevil and Logan are too busy to care in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-grimsqueaker

All bios: 2.09 2.07
Quentin Tarantino
See Tarantino, Quentin
Tartuffe

The title character in Molière's most famous play. Dirty, rotten scoundrel! Not a nice guy! Takes advantage of decent people to try and write himself into their wills and take over their estates! Pretends to be pious and righteous, and is a liar and a cheat! And yet his story is surprisingly funny. The Hearst theatre department tries to tell it, with undetermined success, in 3.05 "President Evil."

-fulfilled

Patrick Tartuffe
See Tartuffe, Patrick
The Task Master

A name on the Pi Sigma scoreboard. Either a supervillain with photographic reflexes has now joined a frat, or someone's using a pseudonym in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Tattoo Artist

He gives Weevil some new neck art and outs Felix and Molly Fitzpatrick's relationship in 2.11 "Donut Run."

-topanga

Played by Robert T Nanninga.
Jordan Taylor
See Taylor, Jordan
Deputy Taylor
See Taylor, Deputy
Maria Taylor
See Taylor, Maria
Taylor

Neptune High student. According to Cap'n Krunk, she found some loop...holes in her abstinence pledge. It's up to the viewers to fill in exact nature of these VM-isn't-on-HBO loop...holes in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-wyk

Kim Taylor
See Taylor, Kim
Taylor #2

Fellatio-favoring filly. What's classier than going down on some dude in the front seat of his car within hours of meeting him? Being tickled pink that the father of the boy attached to that penis is a suspected murderer. Logan sure knows how to pick 'em in 3.10 "Show Me the Monkey."

-bethgee

Played by Chelsea Logan.
Ted

Gamer and one of the few vaguely human inhabitants of the gaming club. In this frag-or-be-fragged world, what would make a gamer take his hands off his joystick? In Ted's case, the appearance of Sailor Mars Veronica inspires soldier-in-grungy-armor chivalry in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-wyk

Played by Nat McCormick.
Ted #2

Hearst College student and amateur photographer. His camera phone captures Chip passed out in his tighty whities with his head shaved. If the Hearst Free Press published his snapshot, perhaps his next photographic oeuvre will be "Dean with mustard on his chin" or "Frat boy makes out with inflatable doll." It does make us wonder, though: since we've heard there's topless co-eds suntanning in the quad, what's Ted doing snapping pictures of half-naked frat boys in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's"?

-misskiwi

Played by Ryan Judd.
Tedster

One of the gaming club screen names. It would make sense if it was Ted's nom de geek but in another scene he would appear to be using Jezebel. Go "Huh?" with us in 1.04 "The Wrath of Con."

-Inigo

Miss Teen Getaway
See Teen Getaway, Miss
Phyllis Teeterborough
See Teeterborough, Phyllis
Telanie

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Terry

Professional poker player. Ah, the world of pro poker — the sky-high salaries, the bling, the endorsement deals! Oh, wait, that's pro sports; pro poker is nothing like that. One guy who might be able to give us the inside scoop on what happens at the tables is Terry Lake Garner, a pro player who appeared on The Amazing Race in 2006. After losing the race, Terry went on to win a round in the World Series of Poker. Maybe Logan is watching, hoping there's a second chance for him as well. Or maybe he's just picking up tips for his future as a pro gambler. The latter seems more likely in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-starxdsparrow

Tha Doctor

A nama on the Pi Sigma scoraboard. Wa think that somaona doasn't know about the fifth lattar of the alphabat. Ha should updata his dictionary and fix his spalling in 2.16 "The Rapas of Graff."

-alliterator

William Makepeace Thackeray
See Thackeray, William Makepeace
The Guy

Secret-society flunky and inept spy. This dude, lacking in subtlety, trails Wallace at a modest distance and stares at him with the intensity of 1,000 suns. Outsmarted by our favorite baller, he's forced to admit he's merely the messenger of an elite organization in 3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down."

-bethgee

Played by Nathanael Johnson.
Thelma

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Thelma #2

Main character in the film Thelma and Louise. She might be a pirate queen or the first female U.S. president (whose husband looks just like Jake Kane), but she is certainly not Cliff's runaway daughter. Cliff recycles plots in 2.06 "Rat Saw God."

-grimsqueaker

Rob Thomas
See Thomas, Rob
Thomas

Dashwood servant. In Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, which is playing while Logan, Veronica, and Max wait for their hookers, Elinor Dashwood (the divine Emma Thompson) tells the family's servants that they can only keep Thomas and Betsy on due to their change in financial circumstances. Oh, if only Jane Austen knew the context in which her work was being used.... She'd be turning over in her grave in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-funky-donut

Mark Thomas
See Thomas, Mark
Allie Thomas
See Thomas, Allie
James A. Thomas
See Thomas, James A.
Michelle Thompson
 
Mr. Thompson
See Thompson, Mr.
Three

Not a hot Cylon played by Lucy Lawless, but rather the Castle interrogator's nickname for Wallace. We're sure that after the shock Wallace received, he wishes Ms. Lawless could beat up whoever did it in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-alliterator

Tiffany

A satisfied customer with lousy handwriting. Really. We came up with all sorts of bizarre possibilities. We even published one until the light dawned. Damn right she should be offering peace. Peace from racking our brains as to what the f—heck her name is. Evidence that Curly Moran provided her with a hot rod, when what she really needed was penmanship, appears in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-alliterator

Tiffany #2

Fern's second cutesy nickname for Veronica. Perhaps Fern's mind is consumed with high-class jewelry, wrapped in tiny teal boxes. Maybe she's comparing Veronica to a washed-up '80s pop singer. Most likely, though, she ran down a mental list of the most popular baby names of the '80s, bypassing Jessica, Jennifer, Amanda, Ashley, and Sarah, and stopping on the most pretentious-sounding one in 3.08 "Lord of the Pi's."

-fulfilled

Tim

Neptune High student and wimp with a poor taste in friends. Sorry, but anyone who can't manage an eleven-stop pub crawl without losing consciousness is just sad. He was dropped unconscious outside Neptune Memorial by his good buddy Rick. Lamb relates the gory details in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Tim #2

Name on the wall. When Tim met Sally, it rained roses and tulips, and the birds were singing joyfully in the crystal blue sky. Or something like that. At least the experience was impressive enough for Tim to draw a heart around their names in the boys' bathroom in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-grimsqueaker

Justin Timberlake
See Timberlake, Justin
Tiny

According to Cliffy, an enormous murderer named Tiny could be Wallace's future cellmate, and perhaps even soulmate, if Wallace doesn't turn himself in to the cops. Comparatively speaking, considering Wallace's previous ice-queen paramour, Tiny doesn't sound half bad in 2.12 "Rashard & Wallace Go To White Castle."

-wyk

Tiny #2

A fratboy at Pi Sigma, one can only assume that he is small in stature. Or perhaps the other fratboys are making fun of the size of some other body part? One can never be sure with the dirty, dirty minds of the Veronica Mars writers. Tiny isn't a dancer (okay, we don't know that for sure, but I'm just guessing here) in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Tiny #3

A nickname for large men. You know, like those nicknames where they are the opposite of what the person is? Veronica's is "Easygoing Veronica." Ours would probably be "Totally Not Lazy at All Writer." Woody Goodman's might be...well, actually, his name is already the opposite of who he is in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator

Todd

Former Handley High School student. Rumor has it this schoolmate of Kendall Casablancas/Priscilla Banks was voted "Most likely to make his hairsylist cry." Or cheer, depending on his stylist's abilities as a miracle worker. Todd makes Dick Casablancas want to say, "Dude's hair is f***** up" in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-topanga

Token

Veronica calls Charleston this. Given that Charleston behaves completely like any other Pi Sig brother would, and thus displays no offensive stereotypes connected to Asian-American men, or really any distinctive characteristics whatsoever, it might indeed be apt to call him a token character. Or, you know, a bit player. Veronica shows off her theoretical muscles by naming Charleston's function in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf."

-grimsqueaker

Leo Tolstoy
See Tolstoy, Leo
Tom

Man who placed an ad in the paper announcing his ab-fab newly refurnished condo. Ahem. If I may translate this ad-speak for a moment... "2 Bed, 1.5 Bath" = "1 bedroom and a largish closet, one bathroom with a dirty shower and working toilet, one bathroom in the basement with a sort-of working toilet." "...within walking distance to Hearst and Downtown Neptune" = "20 miles from town in a bad neighborhood. Walk at own risk." "Features stainless steel appliances, hard wood flooring, two porches, and updated lighting" = "Stove that barely works, scratched-up plywood floors, deathtrap porches, and lava lamps." Seriously, if it's as nice as he's claiming, would he really only be charging $320? Tom knows how to play the student housing market in 3.09 "Spit & Eggs."

-funky-donut

Deputy Tommy

One of the many deputies from Neptune's sheriff's department. Poor Tommy. Uncredited and unsung, he took Ray Lee Hampstead to holding after Keith returned the escaped prisoner to custody in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Professor Lisa Tonin
See Tonin, Professor Lisa
Tony

Answers the phone at the San Juan Capistrano PD. As Veronica has fooled him with her impersonation of Inga at least ten times in a month, he is probably too dumb to be a cop. Is it possible to be too dumb to be a cop? Tony is bamboozled again in 1.01 "Pilot."

-Inigo

Played by Scott Barry.
Tony #2

Restaurateur or publican (keeper of a pub). His establishment, on the way to Madame Sophie's, proclaims itself with wine glasses. Once you have your reading, you can pop in and drown your sorrows in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-Inigo

Felix Toombs
 
Top Gun

Tad's unoriginal and frankly ludicrous screen name. Tad, honey, you ain't no Tom Cruise (and thank god for that, since the world is not ready for more than one Tom Cruise). Four years at the Academy and four years in the Navy ain't ever gonna make it so. You won't ever be our wingman. You were the wrong sort of maverick in 1.20 "M.A.D."

-Inigo

Tory

A member of one of the political parties in Britain— wait, wrong Tory, sorry. This Tory owns a wig shop (imaginatively named Tory's). She also employes people who have good recall of race — or perhaps they just know when they are being conned with an Emmy speech in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-alliterator

Played by Daniele O'Loughlin.
Tory #2

Stripper who really likes to dance to a song called "Crazy Bitch" and smokes like a big old slutty chimney. Wow, way to play against stereotype there, Tory. She's not well-liked by her coworkers, and she might have been Landry's alibi...but we'll never know, since Timothy Foyle coerced someone else to fake his alibi instead. Wait, Tory smokes? Maybe SHE did it! Tory ain't got no alibi in 3.15 "Papa's Cabin."

-funky-donut

Towelie

After a long day of paintballing upstanding Neptune citizens, this kid lets his hair (way) down in his friend's garage to play video games and say "dude" a lot. Not behavior that screams sober. With the help of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Veronica reminds this unabashedly baked vandal to bring a towel in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-ninamazing

Played by George Griffith.
Town Posse

Hip-hop band. When Kendall Casablancas was still Lacey Shifflet, she danced in the background of their videos. The highpoint of Kendall's early career can be admired in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-grimsqueaker

Dick Tracy
See Tracy, Dick
trank

A poster on the Pirate's S.H.I.P. Does he enjoy tranquilizing unsuspecting victims in order to make them more amenable to homosexual experimentation, or does he simply embrace the tranquility of being gay? Given that he's posting in a thread titled "I can't take it anymore," we're guessing it's not the latter in 2.14 "Versatile Toppings."

-Polter-Cow

The Transplants

Punk band featuring the drummer from blink-182. I'm just not punk rock enough to have even heard of these guys, so I've got no clever riffs on song titles for you here. Dammit! Hey, I can do blink-182 riffs instead! Are you feeling this? Because Veronica must look at all the small things in order to solve her cases now that she's going away to college. The Transplants lead her to the culprit behind the trashing of the dean's car in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Polter-Cow

Ms. Trashy-Trash
See Trashy-Trash, Ms.
Joey Travolta
See Travolta, Joey
John Travolta
See Travolta, John
Trent

Actor. Playing Hamlet is supposed to be the high point of any actor's life; it's all downhill from here, kiddo. If this is the peak, be glad we don't see the nadir onscreen in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-marksoflove

Played by Marcus McGee.
The Trickster

Fratboy on the Pi Sigma Sigma scoreboard. Given his nickname, he might be a fan of Neil Gaiman or Michael Chabon, but seeing what fraternity he is in, it seems doubtful he can concentrate on reading and looking at pictures at the same time. At least his charms help him to score high in 2.16 "The Rapes of Graff."

-grimsqueaker

Triton

Son of Neptune, the god of the sea. With his great horn....sorry, mind went somewhere else. Ahem. With his great horn, he commands the dark waters and all the creatures within. Codswallop (noun: nonsense). That's an excellent woody word (™Monty Python) to describe the elite boys who summon him in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-Inigo

Triton Initiate

Neptune High student. This future MIT-er likes to play chess alone and can't wait to get out of Neptune. He finds time to pass the Great Triton's Test in 1.12 "Clash of the Tritons."

-topanga
Played by Mark O'Leary.
Trixie

Inga's dog, or rather, bitch. That's not us being snarky. Inga tells Keith that Trixie just had puppies in 1.02 "Credit Where Credit's Due."

-Inigo

Caz Truman
 
Donald Trump
See Trump, Donald
Kurt Trusdale
See Trusdale, Kurt
Tsar

L.A. rock/power pop band whose track "The Girl Who Wouldn't Die" was featured in a ratings-challenged, critically acclaimed TV show, the name of which is on the tip of our tongue. We know it was in an episode called 1.13 "Lord of the Bling." Maybe Kansasian football player Kurt Fenstermacher caught the show or the band one night, for he proudly wears their name on his chest in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-Inigo

Mr. Tubbs
See Tubbs, Mr.
Ricardo Tubbs
See Tubbs, Ricardo
Hans Tucker
See Tucker, Hans
Richard Tulan
See Tulan, Richard
Marcus Tully
See Tully, Marcus
Tupac

Gangsta rapper. Deceased. It's a tough business. Looking at all those gold records, Lilly figures he is alive, walking, and called Bone in 1.13 "Lord of the Bling."

-Inigo

Turbonegro

Norwegian deathpunk band. Yeah, apparently their music is SO unique they made up a new name for it. No one's ever combined hard rock, rock, and punk before! They were almost going to call themselves "Nazipenis," which makes us wonder if Norwegian Wood is a member. Regardless, someone at KRFF is a deathpunk fan, according to the poster on the wall in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-Polter-Cow

Ivan Turgenev
See Turgenev, Ivan
Jamison Turvey
See Turvey, Jamison
TV on the Radio

Indie rock band. Not as pasty white as most indie rockers, TV on the Radio has four African American members, including the lead singer. Their music is hard to describe, as influences range from jazz to electro. I've heard TV on the Radio on the radio. I've been waiting this whole bio to say that to say that. Max may have seen them on the TV for all we know, judging from the poster in his room in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Polter-Cow

Oliver Twist
See Twist, Oliver
Karena Tyan
See Tyan, Karena
Tyrone

A name and a number in a matchbook. Lilly tortures her mother by creating it and leaving it lying around, as she tells Veronica in 1.22 "Leave It to Beaver."

-Inigo

Ulysses

James Joyce's magnum opus about Leopold Bloom's and Stephen Daedalus's journeys through Dublin on June 16, 1904. It features infidelity, masturbation, and public urination. Pretty saucy for a book published in 1922. Max pretends to read it, but he's not thinking about the snotgreen sea, the scrotumtightening sea in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-alliterator

Mr. Underhill
See Underhill, Mr.
The Unwashed

A dirty band. Okay, they're probably not that dirty, but their name implies as much. Maybe they're making a political statement. Or possibly they are just taking a literal meaning to the word "grunge." Anyway, the Unwashed aren't in need of a "wash me" sign as much as Piz's car is in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Unwashed Singer

A musician who never takes a bath. No, wait, he's just the singer for the band . My mistake. The Unwashed need some soap in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-alliterator

Played by Drew Robinson.
Urge Overkill

Windy City-based band. A well-respected alternative-rock duo, Urge Overkill sadly found their highest level of fame with a dark take on a Neil Diamond song. While the group is still together and writing music, they haven't released a single since 1995. Piz and his radio-station pals still respect them, however — sound familiar? Maybe Piz can look them up when he interns for Pitchfork, which is in Chicago, not New York. Our favorite DJ won't be a cartographer soon in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-BepperGirl

Steve Urkel
See Urkel, Steve
user444

One of the usernames Lucky used to email Woody Goodman. The "user" part is probably because he was unimaginative, but why the "444"? Was he meeting Satan two-thirds of the way? Some secret code, perhaps? DDD? GHI? Woody touched him 444 times? He probably just hit the number pad randomly in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator

Val

Neptune nurse. This fearsome battlemaiden storms Meg's lonely chamber to drive the cartoon birds expecting fathers and other unwanted visitors away. Would that she had been able to protect her from nature's course as well, but alas, it wasn't to be. Val can't force a happy ending in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Beverly Bremers.
Vincent Van Gogh
See Van Gogh, Vincent
Elaine Van Lowe
See Van Lowe, Elaine
Masako Van Lowe
See Van Lowe, Masako
Brenda Van Lowe
See Van Lowe, Brenda
Vincent Van Lowe
 
Lorne Van Mea
See Van Mea, Lorne
The Vandals

Band. Max has a poster in his room, perhaps in preparation for when God comes down on Christmas day, as he knows exactly what He'll say. He'll say, "Oi to the punks, and Oi to the skins, but Oi to the world and everybody wins." This does not happen in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Troy Vandegraff
 
Lawrence Vandegraff
See Vandegraff, Lawrence
Vanilla Ice

Umm. Uhh. Singer? We are stunned to learn that Veronica once wanted to marry this sad excuse for a rapper. She admits to this travesty in 1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid."

-Inigo

Vargas
See Vargas,
Steve Vargo
See Vargo, Steve
Wanda Varner
See Varner, Wanda
Martina Vasquez
See Vasquez, Martina
Trish Vaughn
 
Detective Vaughn
See Vaughn, Detective
Thorsten Veblen
See Veblen, Thorsten
Velma

The only smart Scooby-Doo character. She is burdened by idiot friends and is so plain that even the very smart Veronica prefers to be Daphne in 1.05 "You Think You Know Somebody."

-Inigo

Veronika

Veronica Mars and Hallie's Shih Tzu. Hallie spells Veronica's name with a K when making her heart-shaped nametag for Rush Week. Hallie says that it is her dog's name. So either her puppy was called Veronika or Hallie can't spell. We can safely say both options are extremely plausible, having met Hallie in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-Inigo

Sid Vicious
See Vicious, Sid
Video Clerk

There's nothing hotter than a man who takes his job seriously. This video maniac orders Justin to process late movies, and he grills him about special ordering Body Heat. Dude has "Future C.E.O." written all over him in 1.03 "Meet John Smith."

-topanga

Played by Norman Mackinnon.
Anissa Villapondo
See Villapondo, Anissa
Debra Villareal
See Villareal, Debra
Vince

Aaron's pimp. He gets Aaron an eight figure salary, albeit for a director who hasn't made a movie worth watching since the seventies. Must be George Lucas. Pimps abound in 1.06 "Return of the Kane."

-Inigo

Vincent

Student of Chinese. In a show of amazing grace and mental dexterity, he and fellow classmate translate a Chinese character for Veronica. All symbols point to Professor Grace Schaffer, an assistant professor. Vincent graces us with his mad decoding skillz in 3.17 "Debasement Tapes."

-starxdsparrow

Played by David Douglas.
Travis Vincent
See Vincent, Travis
The Violent Femmes

Band famous in the late '80s/early '90s.

I need someone, a person to talk to
someone who'd care, to love
Could it be you?
Could it be you?

Emblematic of early alternative music, some of the Femmes' hits include "Kiss Off," quoted above, "Gone Daddy Gone," "Blister in the Sun"... I could go on. They were big, they were awesome, and obviously someone at the radio station feels the same way, since their poster is on the wall in 3.06 "Hi, Infidelity."

-funky-donut

The Virgin Mary

The mother of Jesus Christ, a.k.a. . She was impregnated by God without sex which, depending on one's beliefs, is either a holy act or the first recorded case of artificial insemination. As rather a lot of people go for the former explanation, the spontaneous appearances of images of the blessed maiden are considered miracles to behold. In the modern age, miracles can be liquidated and a Virgin-blessed grilled cheese sandwich can raise a fortune. Piznarski's face looks a bit like a grilled cheese sandwich after being pummelled by a misguided angel of vengeance, right down to the bruise in the shape of the Virgin Mary. The working class boy might be well advised to leave Neptune, get a skin graft to remove and preserve his bruise, and invest in a different future — for it's as clear as the bruises on his face that he doesn't have one with Veronica Mars after the events in 3.20 "The Bitch Is Back."

-Inigo

Voltaire

The pen name of Francois Marie Arouet, French philosopher, writer and wit, and author of Candide. Victoria Riggleman, oblivious of her/his gender confusion, is inspired by Voltaire's words, according to her/his year book entry: "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." God must be chuckling over this boy with a girl's name. Is Victoria the modern day Candide, living her/his life in acceptance that it offers the best of all possible worlds to be a boy named Victoria? Is changing her/his name out of the question? Voltaire turns in his grave, or is possibly amused, in 1.07 "The Girl Next Door."

-Inigo

Volunteer

Invisible Children volunteer who signs up Wallace for a summer in Africa. Looking nothing like Ryan Hansen (noted Invisible Children volunteer) or Christopher Eccleston (noted invisible person) or Marcie Ross (noted invisible killer — well, to Buffy fans anyway), he pimps with purpose for a worthy cause in 3.18 "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer."

-Inigo

Played by Sean McHugh.
Steve Wacker
See Wacker, Steve
Lil Wacker
See Wacker, Lil
Mike Wacker
See Wacker, Mike
Professor Wagner
See Wagner, Professor
Honus Wagner
See Wagner, Honus
Waiter

He is already practising for his time as a grumpy retiree by chasing the kids from his lawn the tables, while unbeknownst to him — but beknownst to us and Keith Mars — a fugitive American heir of billions is hiding in his café in 1.21 "A Trip to the Dentist."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Antonio Jaramillo.
Waitress

This pumpkin carver and jilted lover shows Aaron Echolls that her well-delivered stab to his gut is both sweet revenge and a more exciting spectacle than the rosy-cheeked Christmas carolers on the balcony. She proves that Hell hath no right jab like a woman scorned in 1.10 "An Echolls Family Christmas."

-topanga

Played by Alex Fatovich.
Waldo

Cartoon man, frequently lost in crowds. A series of inexplicably popular children's books would feature intricately drawn crowd scenes with Waldo hiding somewhere in the midst. The point was to find Waldo, dressed in his signature red-striped shirt and hat. Veronica claims to have just found him, but with her P.I.-eye, we bet she's just kidding in 3.03 "Wichita Linebacker."

-funky-donut

Emily Waldorf
See Waldorf, Emily
The Walkmen

Band. We don't know whether they're endorsed by Sony, but they're clearly endorsed by Mercer Hayes, given that their poster adorns the walls of the Benetian in 3.05 "President Evil."

-Polter-Cow

Rachel Wall-Polin
See Wall-Polin, Rachel
William Wallace
See Wallace, William
Walter

Convenience store clerk. He sells beer and pork rinds, and Veronica learns he likes to sell condoms to college kids to reduce the population of bastard children born to morons. He also witnessed Claire in his store with a guy shortly before she was raped. Everybody's hap-py, except for Claire, in 3.04 "Charlie Don't Surf.".

-topanga

Played by Lee Weaver.
The Wannabes

Texas band. Favorite of Veronica Mars creator, Rob Thomas. Their lead singer happens to be named Jennings Crawford. Coincidence? Probably not. The Wannabes get the shout-out of all shout-outs by having their song, album cover, and band name all featured heavily in the plot to 2.18 "I Am God."

-funky-donut

Judge Wapner
See Wapner, Judge
Daddy Warbucks
See Warbucks, Daddy
Vivian Ward
See Ward, Vivian
Jerome Warner
See Warner, Jerome
George Washington
See Washington, George
Dr. Watkins
See Watkins, Dr.
John Wayne
See Wayne, John
Officer Wazowski
See Wazowski, Officer
Webber
See Webber,
Webber #2
See Webber #2,
The Webbers
See Webbers, The
Art Webster
See Webster, Art
Mr. Weed
See Weed, Mr.
Weevil's Boss

Gruff maintenance man at Hearst. He's tired of fixing the same damn furnace every year, and he's even more tired of hearing people whine about it, dammit! He leads Weevil through the murky boiler room and straight to a clue to the Dean's demise in 3.14 "Mars, Bars."

-starxdsparrow

Played by Ralph P. Martin.
Mike Weiss
See Weiss, Mike
Weiss

Veronica's e-mail buddy. Is this finally the proof that Veronica has ties to the CIA? Will she soon be a spy, traveling the world and fighting evil at all costs, together with her badass dad? Rambaldi is everywhere, even in 2.08 "Ahoy, Mateys!"

-grimsqueaker

Dr. Scott Weissman
See Weissman, Dr. Scott
Tom Welling
See Welling, Tom
Teri Wells
See Wells, Teri
Stacy Wells
See Wells, Stacy
Wendy

Max's not-so-happy hooker with a heart of gold and multiple aliases. When she was engaged by Brian and Fred to pop Max's cherry, they had no idea that the two would connect. On a fundamental level. What followed would make Richard Gere and Julia Roberts cry, for this time round, reality set in. Pretty woman she is, but Pretty Woman she's not in 3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves."

-Inigo

Played by Brianne Davis.
Wally Wernkey
See Wernkey, Wally
Cathy Westcott
See Westcott, Cathy
Steve Whacker
See Whacker, Steve
Kenneth Wheatherton
See Wheatherton, Kenneth
Vanna White
See White, Vanna
Ellen White
See White, Ellen
David White
See White, David
Mrs. White
See White, Mrs.
Miss White Trash
See White Trash, Miss
Whitesnake

Band with an inordinate amount of hair. Veronica jokes that David "Curly" Moran was one of their roadies, but it's a poor choice given the man's receding hairline as seen in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

Terry Whittaker
See Whittaker, Terry
Clarence Wiedman, Jr.
 
William of Ockham

English philosopher. He's best known for his shaving technique, which was to just grab at his hair and pull it out. He said it was the simplest possible way to do it, as it required no hypothetical outside forces beyond the realm of reason. People called it Occam's Razor (a respelling of Ockham's name that gave it a mystical Turkish sound). Veronica leaves out the whole shaving thing when she explains it in 3.07 "Of Vice and Men."

-Polter-Cow

Sarah Williams
See Williams, Sarah
Agent Wills
See Wills, Agent
Katherine Wills
See Wills, Katherine
Mr. Wilson
See Wilson, Mr.
Mr. Wilson
See Wilson, Mr.
Tad Wilson
See Wilson, Tad
Watson Wilson
See Wilson, Watson
Jimmy Wilson
See Wilson, Jimmy
Patty Wilson
See Wilson, Patty
Wilson Brother

One of a pair of brothers who have both had successful acting careers. Luke is the more soulful, dreamy type, while Owen is the goofier, nuttier brother. We're betting that Hallie Piatt is thinking of Owen when she calls Dick a lost Wilson brother in 3.02 "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week."

-funky-donut

Oprah Winfrey
See Winfrey, Oprah
Professor David Winkler
 
Winnie the Pooh

Charming creation of A.A. Milne until Disney went all Dalek Borg on his ass and made him cutesy. But Disney sure came up with some good tunes, to whit:

Deep in the Neptune neighborhood
Where young Veronica plays
You'll see how her dad he understood
His progeny how to raise
A warning on smoking he should tend
His baby so that she knew
Unhealthy and smelly and just foul
And nothing like Winnie the Pooh
Gave her a clue, what not to do
Grubby little stubby, that stuff is rough
'Tween farewell the moon and Winnie the Pooh
Willy nilly silly ole bear.

The honey-loving Pooh bear gets a shoutout in 2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner."

-Polter-Cow

Winston

A fictional founder of a fictional punk club. Winston could be real, as there is a Winston's in San Diego, and it's a club for funky punky bands to play, but as far was we know, that Winston's doesn't have a branch in Neptune. As for the guy himself, unless he's serving drinks, he stays in the background in 3.01 "Welcome Wagon."

-Inigo

Grant Winters
See Winters, Grant
Wizard of Oz
See Wizard of Oz,
Walter Wolfcastle
See Wolfcastle, Walter
Wolport

The unknown defendant in the State v. Wolport trial. Dr. Landry is serving as an expert witness, though we don't know if he's working for the prosecution or the defense. As a professor of criminology, he might be explaining why serial killers make great cannibals or why watching Gigli over and over makes a compelling argument for an insanity plea. Wolport is discussed, but not seen, in 3.05 "President Evil."

-topanga

Woman

She neither says nor reacts much when Mandy shows up to collect her stolen dog. Does she feel sad to give up her newly adopted pet, or slightly bemused that his real owner is a somewhat hysterical highschool misfit? She keeps her thoughts to herself in 1.19 "Hot Dogs."

-grimsqueaker

Played by Janice McQueen.
Woman's Studies Professor

A member of the jury, we the people. Wait, that was the constitution. Oh well. She's also a professor at Hearst and recommends that Veronica apply for a scholarship there. Veronica's less than enthusiastic in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator

Played by Michael Hyatt.
Willy Wonka
See Wonka, Willy
Evan Rachel Wood
See Wood, Evan Rachel
Emma Woodhouse
See Woodhouse, Emma
Cherie Woods
See Woods, Cherie
Nathan Woods
 
William Wordsworth
See Wordsworth, William
Lindsey Wrangler
See Wrangler, Lindsey
Richard Wrest
See Wrest, Richard
Leroy Wright
See Wright, Leroy
Orville Wright
See Wright, Orville
wrongvsright37

One of the usernames Lucky used to email Woody Goodman. Lucky must be a closet Stephen Colbert fan, since his attitude towards Woody is, "Right or wong, I'm right and you're wrong!" Well, Woody's in for a steaming cup of truth in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-alliterator

Mr. Wu
 
Aileen Wuornos
See Wuornos, Aileen
XLR8

Band of which Nick is a member. That's a gr8 name, guys, and I'm sure your music is 1derful, but could you pre10d 2 know English? You're corrupting the youth of America, who often can't see the 4est for the 3s. If you play nice, Veronica might wear something a little 6ier than what she wears in 2.15 "The Quick and the Wed."

-Polter-Cow

Yankee Doodle

A deviant and mischief maker, Yankee also suffered from a poor education, often mistaking feathers for macaroni and refusing to acknowledge that it was, in fact, not a piece of macaroni, but a feather. He also was "handy" was girls, which brought him into conflict with many of the girls' fathers. For some reason, he's thought of as an inspirational American and Rashad Krimani declares that he is a "Yankee Doodle damn dandy," perhaps showing why his daughter was having premarital hanky-panky in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-alliterator

Chester Yarbrough
See Yarbrough, Chester
Coach Yeager
 
Wang Yi
See Yi, Wang
Yo La Tengo

Indie rock band. Yeah, you thought they were Menudo's cousins or something, right? But that's not how Piz rolls! These guys are indie rock icons, man. They've been around for over twenty years, and all the cool kids still love them, and all the regular kids still think they're Menudo's cousins. Piz doesn't love them more than Veronica's lips, though, so it's a good thing he skipped their concert to back her up at Parker's birthday party in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow

Yobandi

One of the 4400. Or thereabouts. Names. In a phone book. Here is a screenshot. Make up your own snark. Make up your own last name, something preceding Feniress. We're too lazy. Damn you, Rick, and your attention to detail in 2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang."

-Inigo

The Yoders
See Yoders, The
Yorick

Fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. We would call him a character in Hamlet, but only his skull appears. No, his literal skull. Made of bone, with the worms crawling in and the worms crawling out. Eww. Alas, poor Yorick! We knew him in 2.09 "My Mother, the Fiend."

-alliterator

Clifford Young
See Young, Clifford
Young Mother

A good citizen. She shepherds her two young boys to come forward to finger Weevil for Thumper's death. What she doesn't do is explain what her sproglets were doing alone at night in a van parked in a dark street, and in a position to witness Weevil take Thumper down, as he did in 2.17 "Plan B." Child protection services really should have been asking questions in 2.21 "Happy Go Lucky."

-Inigo

Played by Maria Valdez.
Young Veronica

Veronica when she isn't old. Isn't she just the cutest thing ever watching her dad's puppet show, seated snugly on a blanket. Isn't she just the cutest thing ever? We'd be slightly weirded out by the sock puppet thing, but she's just happy to sit and giggle. Ooh, innocent times. We think they should stick to Sesame Street in 2.22 "Not Pictured."

-fickledame

Played by Carsyn Spencer.
Yoyo Taco

Menudo's cousins. They rose to prominence in the mid-eighties with their hit single, "El Taco Grande Es Muy Bonito." The mid-nineties found them living up to their yo-yo name, as they hit rock bottom, with lead singer Maria Quesadilla stuck in rehab. Ten years later, however, they're hot again! As is Maria, rowr! Okay, fine, there is no Yoyo Taco. Wallace just can't say "Yo La Tengo" in 3.16 "Un-American Graffiti."

-Polter-Cow

Laurie Zaks
See Zaks, Laurie
Zeke

Student and jock at Pan High. He is a hanger-on of the basketball team, a role which he describes as that of team manager. He pisses off Richie by betting against Pan in the Pan-Neptune basketball showdown. Was Jughead's real name Zeke by any chance? He wins his bet in 1.16 "Betty and Veronica."

-Inigo

Played by Andy Morrow.
Catherine Zeta-Jones
See Zeta-Jones, Catherine
Jorge Zidio
See Zidio, Jorge
Charles Zimmerman
See Zimmerman, Charles
A. Zinn
See Zinn, A.
Zip

The most unforgettable ice cream maker in Neptune. That is, if you're a green-footed tourist so gauche you'd be at home in a pigsty. No respectable citizen whose zip code begins with 909 would ever patronize this substandard confectionery, as Logan is only too quick to tell his new eleven-year-old lady friend Heather in 3.13 "Postgame Mortem."

-ninamazing

Zippy the Pinhead

A cartoon character in a surreal comic strip that is (in the author's own words) "an ongoing, non-linear exploration of th' duality of personality." The main character, Zippy, speaks in "free-associative poetry." Or he smokes a lot of pot, as Logan puts it in 2.05 "Blast from the Past."

-alliterator

Zorak

A giant praying mantis and former enemy of Space Ghost. He was later forced to be Space Ghost's bandleader on his talk show, though with much heckling. The Real Kendall knows her giant cartoon bugs in 2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks."

-alliterator

Zorro

The original caped crusader, this masked marauder rode around Spanish-era California on his horse, Tornado, with his Wallace butler Bernardo. Just don't confuse him with the Lone Ranger, kemosabe. Veronica asks which one of the PCHers named themselves after "The Fox" in 2.10 "One Angry Veronica."

-alliterator


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