3.19 "Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down"
Aired May 22, 2007
Veronica: I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. The F. B. I.
Mac: At the very least, Piz should think it's hot.
Veronica: Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.
Mac: He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.
Veronica: And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I'm a girl!
Mac: Have you considered letting Piz know you're bummed about the prospect of being apart from him this summer?
Veronica: Simple, direct, honest? Mac, that's almost crazy enough to work!
Mac: Just sharing my vast relationship wisdom.
Weevil: Um, excuse me, can I sit down? My knee's killing me, man.
Russell: Oh, right. Your knee. When did you say you injured it, Mr. Navarro?
Weevil: Uh, last Wednesday.
Russell: And you did this on the job? I only ask because a lot of you, uh, maintenance fellows like to play basketball over lunch break.
Weevil: That's why I didn't file for sportsman's comp, see, 'cause I-I-I hurt my knee moving a busted washing machine across the campus.
Russell: Hmm. Says here you spent a little time in prison last year.
Weevil: So did Martha Stewart. Now, does that mean I don't get my benefits?
Veronica: All those weeks of thinking about you, and...and missing you...and all those pent-up feelings. What am I ever gonna do with all of them?
Piz: I-I have a couple...million suggestions.
Piz: You know, like—
Veronica: Mmm. So, what are these suggestions?
Piz: Oh, you know, you don't need them.
Veronica: Does it involve me...doing a sort of dance-squad-like routine? Perhaps...a cheer?
Piz: Actually, it does.
Veronica: I was kidding.
Piz: Then no.
Veronica: Did it involve me being naked?
Piz: It did.
Weevil: Do I get a phone call? Uh, what's Veronica's number?
Veronica: Dad says it's a fraud case?
Weevil: Exactly, and you know how I feel about white-collar crime. They're saying I busted into the bursar's office and made a couple fake ID cards and stuck a bunch of cash on them.
Veronica: And you're saying?
Weevil: Damn, Veronica, I don't even know what a bursar is.
Veronica: You know that office where you pick up your paycheck? It says "bursar" on it? That's the bursar.
Veronica: Why do you think they're fingering you?
Weevil: 'Cause I'm easy, easy like Sunday morning, ex-con and all.
Veronica: Except they'd have to know you were an ex-con. Have you been going around campus sharing the story of your personal journey?
Weevil: Only in your criminology class when you asked me to.
Veronica: Oh, yeah, right. Whoops.
Veronica: This is your end-of-term project? I should have been an aerospace major.
Wallace: A one-thirty-second model of an amphibious regional turboprop. I call it the Sea Monkey.
Veronica: Which would make more sense if monkeys were amphibious...or could fly.
Wallace: Trust me. It makes perfect sense when you're running on about fifteen minutes' sleep in the last week.
Veronica: And here Piz thought you were spending all your time with a secret girlfriend.
Wallace: Only love life I have is some dude who's always following me around.
Veronica: What, like you're being cruised?
Wallace: Yeah. Remind me which color bandana I'm supposed to wear that says I'm straight...but flattered and non-judgmental.
Veronica: You have no idea who the guy is?
Wallace: None. But I saw him take some of my old homework out of the trash.
Veronica: Well, if he's a souvenir-taker, it's easy. Just leave some tantalizing bait — I'd suggest your cut-off jean short-shorts — and double back and watch him.
Veronica: What happened to the courtesy knock?
Keith: What happened to whalebone corsets and courting chaperones? Who wants falafel?
Piz: Uh, Mr. Mars, I was wondering could you come down to Hearst tomorrow? I'd like to meet you on my show. I'm doing an election special. Hearst's four thousand votes could go a long way to determining the election.
Keith: I don't know, Stosh. My schedule's pretty tight.
Piz: It's just, I mean, I wouldn't want Vinnie Van Lowe getting all the airtime without giving you a chance to rebut, you know.
Keith: What time is the show?
Piz: Bright and early, eight o'clock.
Keith: Fine. If you think Vinnie is willing to miss his morning cartoons, I'll be there.
Veronica: As long as you're in a munificent mood, how about buying the office a new answering machine?
Keith: What's wrong with the old one?
Veronica: The Yoders have one just like it.
Keith: Who are the Yoders?
Veronica: The Amish family in 3B.
Keith: You may have gone digital, but I remain firmly analog.
Veronica: No, I'm digital. You remain firmly cheap.
Veronica: If we're assuming someone's framing you, they had only twenty-four hours—
Weevil: Whoa, if we're assuming? If we're not assuming, then I guess we're assuming that I did it, which means that I hired you to get to the bottom of my own crime? That's a pretty dumb assumption, don't you think?
Veronica: Touchy. I'll rephrase.
Dick: Who you talking to?
Dick: Parker? I don't even know her!
Logan: Sorry about that. That was Dick. He's gearing up for finals.
Mac: Miss Mars uses Venus razor.
Veronica: Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.
Mac: And she's down-to-earth, to boot.
Veronica: I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.
Mac: I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.
Veronica: Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hmm.
Mac: Hey, did anyone else hear there's gonna be a Matchbox 20 reunion show?
Piz: So? Rob Thomas is a whore.
Veronica: Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man crush thing.
Mac: Wallace has a man crush?
Piz: The man crush isn't me, is it?
Veronica: Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz?
Dick: Man, this new wetsuit's like a cheap motel. No ballroom.
Piz: So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?
Wallace: The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.
Veronica: Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.
Piz: I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.
Mac: Wait, you have an inner one?
Mac: I feel so bad for Wallace. He needs more thrust.
Logan: Don't say it.
Dick: That's what she said.
Piz: You know, uh, a couple of my high-school friends surfed. Yeah, they'd drive down to Sunnyside early in the morning, but I always had to work these crappy jobs over the summer. It must have been cool growing up down here.
Logan: Well, it must have been great working. That's what makes you so real, Piz, so salt-of-the-earth. My life, on the other hand — frivolous.
Piz: No, that's not what I was saying.
Logan: No, you're right. Not frivolous — full of frivolity. You hear that, Veronica? The, uh, subtext? Piz worked for a living while I frittered my days away. Impressed?
Veronica: I'm not impressed right now.
Piz: What's your problem, man?
Logan: Fundamentally, I guess it's that I lack a working man's backbone.
Veronica: I guess you're all asking yourself why I called this meeting. What? That's comedy gold.
Patrick: Who are you calling?
Veronica: The surgeon general.
Jenny: She's calling her dad, the sheriff.
Veronica: Good call, Jenny. See, you're not here just for your looks.
Patrick: Hang up. Please. We can work this out. Yeah, you can be one of us.
Veronica: Is this where you turn me into a vampire?
Patrick: We can make it worth your while.
Veronica: All right, I'm listening.
Patrick: So, what is that maintenance guy paying you, anyway?
Patrick: Don't turn us in and you could have your very own Hearst ID.
Veronica: Oh, I have one, thanks.
Patrick: This one is the Everlasting Gobstopper of spending money. You'll never have to pay for another textbook, another ticket to a campus performance, another meal.
Veronica: Assuming I want to eat meals in the Food Court for the rest of my life?
Jenny: You're a scholarship kid, right?
Patrick: Yeah, that must be pretty tough, paying for all those meals, textbooks.
Veronica: It is. Which is why a bunch of kids who can afford to ski in Aspen getting their kicks by ripping off my school and blaming it on the nearest kid from the wrong side of the tracks pisses me off so much.
Weevil: Hey, uh, I forget. Who owes who now?
Veronica: Uh, you owe me, clearly.
Weevil: You sure about that?
Veronica: Not really.