3.17 "Debasement Tapes"
Aired May 09, 2007
Veronica: So...Piz didn't say anything about the whole party...thing?
Wallace: Like how you two made out in the hall and then you took off? Why? Is he calling you all the time?
Veronica: He called once. The day after. But...how would you interpret his mood?
Wallace: You want me to have this talk? Am I a twelve-year-old girl?
Veronica: No. But you're drinking Fresca and watching Joan Crawford movies.
Desmond: What's he still doing here?
Jeff: Waiting for the tip. It's a customary thing...in America.
Desmond: Here you are, my good man. That'll get you twenty bones on eBay.
Desmond: I'm Desmond Fellows. Obviously, he's not cool. We'll leave that for the room-service guy.
Desmond: Whoa. You really do have all the amenities.
Mac: Is the eggplant good?
Spaghetti Server: It's okay.
Mac: How about that stuff?
Spaghetti Server: It's good.
Mac: It's probably horrible for you, right? I'll stay with the eggplant. No, wait. What do you think? I need to see a psychiatrist.
Veronica: I was thinking more an English professor. What we're dealing with here is an absurd level of symbolism. Two veggie lasagnas.
Spaghetti Server: Okay.
Veronica: I mean, the Bronson parmigiana is good for me, but — oh! The Maxuccine looks awfully tempting.
Mac: It's not my fault Max won't stop calling. Like you should talk.
Veronica: Me? I'm not ordering good boy while wishing I ordered bad boy.
Mac: No. You gave up bad boy but keep asking for samples of good boy.
Veronica: No. I— wait, what?
Mac: Okay, if Logan is the fettuccine...
Desmond: Hey, is that your girlfriend?
Piz: Uh, no, just a friend.
Veronica: Veronica. Hi. I'm a really big fan.
Desmond: You're just using him to get to me. Mercenary. I like it. I'm doing a show tomorrow night. If you want to hang backstage, Monica...
Veronica: Was there anything in the bag?
Desmond: Just medications, pills.
Veronica: What are you taking pills for?
Desmond: Ah, you know. Life.
Bronson: You did good for your first time. Next time, it'll be easier.
Mac: The next and last time I run will be to chase down and kill the inventor of ultimate frisbee.
Mac: Grade my ass.
Logan: Dot net, yes. I need to present a viable business plan for a class. I need a lowest-common-denominator website with a simple, interactive element that I can build a business plan around. You can put this together in your sleep. I'll pay.
Mac: And the catch?
Logan: It's due Monday morning.
Mac: I'll need Red Bull and licorice.
Piz: You're on the air with Desmond Fellows of My Pretty Pony, playing a benefit tomorrow night at Liberty Lunch, brought to you by Wrigley's Extra Gum. Okay, caller, are you there?
Desmond: Their leftover gum?
Piz: The brand. Extra gum. Sugarless.
Piz: Uh...second caller, you're on with Desmond.
Male Caller: Dude, you suck.
Desmond: Oh, hey, thanks a lot, man. So, what's your question?
Male Caller: You just scrounge money off the memory of your dead partner. How do you live with yourself?
Desmond: Well, I drink heavily, and I abuse drugs.
Male Caller #2: I'm calling from Semites for the Savior. We want everyone to know this man makes songs that mock our religious beliefs.
Desmond: You're a Jewish group, and your initials are S.S.?
Piz: Oh, God.
Male Caller #2: We encourage everyone to pray he cancels the show and —
Desmond: "Nazi" gonna happen. Now, don't worry about it. The show's canceling itself. I would pray, instead, for a girlfriend.
Veronica: Who was that guy who called praying Desmond's show was canceled?
Piz: Semites for the Savior.
Veronica: Maybe they heard that God is now helping those that help themselves.
Mac: So, look-wise, you're thinking bright, fun, simple.
Logan: Well, accessible. Quick loading to maximize click-throughs.
Dick: Don't put the best asses at the top. Make people hunt for them.
Logan: I compiled studies of browsing behavior and drew up ratios of—
Dick: You don't want them too hidden. If you can't find the good ones, you'll feel cheated.
Mac: And his role in this enterprise?
Dick: Consultant. I'm an ass expert.
Logan: Yes, except for the expert part.
Dick: I'm an ass? Who would you ask for advice about lions, a lion or a gerbil? Gerbil, you say? No, you would ask a lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions. So... Okay. I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me, but fine. It's Friday night. If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party.
Desmond: Sorry about that. Go.
Dick: Drew Barrymore.
Dick: Rose McGowan.
Desmond: Ooh. Yes.
Dick: Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Dick: Dude, you are my idol. Who are you?
Veronica: It's weird. Like you said, normal Piz. Like...nothing ever happened.
Wallace: Which bothers you because making out with you is supposed to be some life-changing experience.
Veronica: I don't know. I just... Why are we talking about this?
Wallace: I thought you loved these kind of conversations.
Wallace: I was hoping we could follow it up with a cuteness countdown of the Baldwin brothers.
Veronica: I hope we're still friends after I taser you.
Keith: "Hey, Jude," "Yesterday," "Get Back."
Desmond: Catchy tunes, yes. Rock 'n' roll, no.
Keith: What kind of musician doesn't recognize the Beatles as the greatest rock band of all time?
Desmond: I don't recognize them as a rock band at all. They were...tunesmiths. Hey, man, I didn't get all pissy when you denied my claim that Marshall Dillon was the greatest sheriff of all time.
Keith: Marshall Dillon was a marshal and, more importantly, is fictional.
Desmond: That's what the Beatles are to me — fictional.
Keith: "Revolution," "Hey, Jude" — these were real songs, man. "Norwegian Wood."
Desmond: I — sorry. I'm sorry. I used to know a rent boy from Oslo who called himself that.
Piz: Uh, Mr. Mars, I think Desmond is just winding you up. Most critics reference the Beatles influence in Desmond's material.
Desmond: Oh, you mean those Beatles. I'm sorry. I thought you meant the other ones with the two e's from the lower east side. No, they're totally fictional. John, Paul, George, and the drummer? Oh, those guys are awesome.
Keith: Veronica, could you have Sacks bring me the leg irons?
Veronica: Come on, Dad. Let it be.
Max: Here's what I did on my term-paper site. Break it down. For the lazy, search and credit button there. For the dumb, billable links at the top disguised as functions.
Mac: So they link without realizing.
Max: And I make a dollar. See, the point of the internet is to make money off stupid people.
Logan: I like how you think, Max.
Mac: That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering.
Max: That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering.
Mac: It won't be laughing when I crash your greedy website.
Max: I'll be laughing when you try.
Mac: Will you? Maybe I'm in your trusted host table already.
Logan: Should I get a camera? There's got to be someone that'll pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action.
Jeff: Oh, great. What are you gonna accuse me of this time?
Veronica: How about...stealing Desmond Fellows' backing tapes?
Jeff: Congratulations. Wrong again.
Veronica: You had Desmond's bags in your possession. You're a member of a group protesting his presence. That, to me, is a thing that makes you go, "hmm?"
Jeff: What's the thing that makes you go away?
Veronica: Okay. I'm apologizing. I'm sorry for thinking you were guilty.
Jeff: I don't accept your apology.
Veronica: I'll live.
Desmond: So...did you solve it?
Veronica: Yes. The answer is Danny Cleaver's bag and all my time this weekend. What are two things you didn't mean to take but did?
Piz: Still, it's gonna be a good show. I'm glad we saved it. Good thing I got the nerve to call you.
Veronica: Why wouldn't you have called?
Piz: You know. I thought it might be awkward. Me and you... After...that.
Veronica: Yeah. I'm glad it's not. Awkward.
Piz: Oh, it is. No, I'm very uncomfortable. I thought it would be even more uncomfortable.
Veronica: You realize you've left your fate in the hands of a spineless and semi-alcoholic has-been rock star.
Piz: What are you gonna do?
Logan: Is this about right?
Max: You're all set to fleece idiots.
Mac: Thanks for helping us out.
Max: Hey, free food. Why not? Just remember, you got to link to me.
Mac: Sure you want to compromise your reputation on your cheating site with a link to our ass site?
Logan: So what's up with Veronica and Piz? She... She, like, dating him or what?
Mac: She's trying to let him down easy.
Logan: But... I don't know. When we were — when we were dating, did they ever...you know?
Mac: No more talk of Veronica's love life. Ever. But I will say, if you think she was unfaithful, you're an idiot.
Keith: Mr. Van Lowe. To what do we owe the honor?
Vinnie: Just a follow-up, you know? On that crime I stopped. And to say thanks. "It was the actions of local private investigator Vincent Van Lowe that led to the suspects being apprehended. 'Vinnie did a great job on this one,' said acting sheriff Keith Mars. 'He's an asset to this community.'" "He's an asset to this community." That's great, Keith. You can't buy that kind of publicity. I've tried. You really can't.
Keith: Hardly need to these days, Vinnie. You're the only P.I. in town.
Vinnie: I didn't mean for my business. I mean for my campaign.
Vinnie: For sheriff. The special election. Sport Haus owner and a bunch of his pals said I should, so I...threw my hat in this morning. Vinnie Van Lowe — "he's an asset to this community." Sheriff Mars. That's gonna look great on my posters.