3.15 "Papa's Cabin"
Aired Feb 27, 2007
Veronica Voiceover: So, here's something the freshman guidebook failed to address: your dad is acting sheriff, he thinks your favorite professor may have murdered your favorite dean. So where do you sit in class? Up front now seems awkward. But isn't a seat in the back like hanging an "I think you're guilty" sign?
Mindy: Why am I still here being questioned by you in that tone of voice? You said that you found my ex-husband's fingerprints all over Cyrus' computer keyboard. Steve was clearly unstable. You found his prints on the keyboard. Isn't that what you people call a smoking gun?
Keith: "Goodbye, cruel world." That sentiment uses eleven letters. Unstable ex-husband Steve's prints are on every key on the keyboard. And, of course, there's the matter of the gloves found in the incinerator. Did the killer bother to wear gloves for the murder, only to take them off and leave prints all over the computer? So, no, that's not what we call a smoking gun.
Landry: Put the gun down, Cyrus. Let's talk about this.
O'Dell: Oh, "Cyrus"? Oh, we're on a first-name basis now? I can see how you might be confused—
O'Dell:—about our relationship, what with you sleeping with my wife and all. But let me remind you, I'm your boss.
Landry: Please, put the gun down and then we'll talk.
Mindy: Cyrus, please! Please!
O'Dell: There's nothing to talk about. You're done, Hank, and I don't mean just at Hearst. I mean everywhere. No tenure, no more happy days in academia bedding impressionable students and easily charmed wives.
Keith: I've known three men in your life, Mrs. O'Dell. Two are dead. The great state of California may see to the third.
Mindy: How am I supposed to react to that?
Veronica: What the hell are you doing?
Tim: I, uh, I'm—
Veronica: Formulating a lie, realizing it's futile, begrudgingly telling the truth?
Tim: I'm trying to help Landry, okay? He gave—he gave your father the bug that someone planted in his phone. I'm hoping it will—it will lead to Mindy.
Veronica: How is it gonna lead to Mindy?
Tim: I don't know. Uh, serial numbers?
Veronica: They don't have serial numbers.
Tim: Well, I didn't know! There's got to be a way. How would you do it?
Veronica: Hmm. Well, first, I'd break into someone's office, act really weaselly, and then ask their advice.
Tim: We have no idea who this woman is. She could've just been driving through town, or she could live next door and gone on vacation for a year.
Veronica: Or she could have been a down-on-her-luck catholic schoolgirl smuggling cantaloupes in her shirt. So, are they, like, shooting a Mötley Crüe video here, or...
Randy: Strip City's just across the street. Three o'clock's the shift change.
Veronica: Excuse me. Hi. Um, have you seen this guy?
Tim: It would have been here, eight weeks and two days ago to be exact.
Catholic Schoolgirl: What are you, some kind of little detective team or something?
Tim: Well, as a matter of fact, we happen to be—
Veronica: We're just trying to find my dad. He left home again without paying the rent. I'm sure there's a valid reason, but if we could just find—
Catholic Schoolgirl: Yeah, there's a valid reason. Men are scum. Mystery solved.
Veronica: Two months ago? Any of you maybe bum a cigarette off him?
Blue Stripper: Do we look like we smoke?
Blue Stripper: It's bad for your skin. Sorry, we didn't see him, but try tomorrow. Tory's on, and she smokes like a big, old slutty chimney.
Parker: I didn't think you were gonna make it. How was Econ?
Logan: Uh, Econ?
Parker: Tuesdays and Thursdays Econ? That class about economics.
Logan: Oh, yeah. I flaked. But we agreed no lectures on college responsibility.
Parker: Nope. I just...I thought that was your only class today.
Wallace: All right. So, I'm a guy, and I don't know or care about this stuff...but I feel like I'm supposed to tell you this.
Veronica: I'm starting to get a mustache?
Veronica: Then why are you staring at my lip?
Wallace: Because you just made me.
Wallace: I saw Logan and Parker having lunch.
Veronica: In the cafeteria? At lunchtime? God, why doesn't he just run me over with a truck?
Wallace: Man, I'm just telling you this because it looked like it was something, like they were connecting, you know? ...What?
Veronica: I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore Girl you are.
Veronica: I know he says he doesn't eat them, but leave a jelly if you know what's good for you.
Sacks: The last time you said that, you didn't actually get any jellies. I almost had a heart attack.
Keith: Are you in trouble?
Veronica: Has anyone told you you look very convincing behind that desk?
Keith: So, is that a no on the trouble?
Veronica: I'm just saying I like it better when we're not civilians. Speaking of, if I'm gonna be able to run red lights with impunity, I think a siren would be helpful.
Keith: Care to tell me where you got Landry's case file?
Veronica: The filing cabinet?
Veronica: Strippers ahoy.
Tim: The one with the cigarette. I'll bet that's Tory.
Veronica: Ooh, you are a thinker. Let's see how you do in the field.
Veronica: If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store eating corn nuts and watching strippers.
Keith: Are you doing drugs?
Tim: We have to find those tapes. If Mindy was working with Batando, I bet Steve was the one planting the bug in Landry's phone, an insurance policy in case things went bad.
Veronica: Batando's keys are still in evidence.
Tim: Is there any way we get a hold—
Veronica: [scoffs] "Is there any way"?
Veronica: Nice gloves. You headed to the parlor to strangle Colonel Mustard after this?
Tim: We're breaking and entering. I can't leave prints.
Veronica: Use your sleeve. It's less creepy.
Keith: Did you talk to the airports?
Sacks: L.A.X., yeah, but I'm still waiting to hear from John Wayne.
Veronica: And you're not gonna, pilgrim, 'cause what I am is dead.
Veronica Voiceover: So, I guess it's true. Little future murderers play with dinosaurs like everyone else and have cuddly, old grandpas.
Veronica: J.D. Sansone?
J.D.: Yeah. Are you the radio people?
Veronica: My name is Miss Crockett. This is my partner, Mr. Tubbs.
Landry: I didn't kill him, Keith.
Keith: You must know this little trip to Mexico might lead me to take that statement with a grain of salt.
Veronica: We're on a last name basis now? We skipped right over androgynous nicknames?
Logan: I tried calling you "Chuckles," but it didn't stick.
Veronica: You bugged my phone. You bugged Landry's phone. You knew he shot down your job application. You knew the dean threatened him. You knew the dean was zonked out on Xanax and scotch in his office, and you had access to Landry's clothes. You murdered Dean O'Dell to destroy Professor Landry...because he used you, then betrayed you. And when he said he had an alibi, you faked it, so you'd be sure he'd go down...bet he'll change his mind about you not being that smart.
Veronica: You got a confession?
Keith: I am that good.
Veronica: So it's true what they say. There's a new sheriff in town?
Keith: Until the special election, anyway.
Keith: Whatcha making?
Veronica: Meat and potatoes. I read somewhere that's what real men eat.
Keith: Ah, is there a real man coming over?
Veronica: So, what's gonna happen to Landry?
Keith: He's gonna be tried for manslaughter. He killed Mindy O'Dell. He confessed, too.
Veronica: Man. You get everyone to confess.
Keith: I think it's the uniform. Do you have anything to confess?
Veronica: Yes. You embarrass me.
Keith: Give me my meat, woman.