3.14 "Mars, Bars"
Aired Feb 20, 2007
Lamb: Where is he, Veronica? Where's Josh?
Veronica: Think back, Sheriff. Where did you have him last?
Lamb: Josh's cellmate says you snuck him a peanut butter cookie.
Veronica: And he bribed one of your deputies with said cookie?
Lamb: He was allergic, but you know that. After the paramedic revived him with an epinephrine shot, Josh overpowered him and escaped out of the back of the ambulance.
Veronica: You didn't have a deputy with him?
Lamb: He was riding up front.
Keith: Please tell me you didn't help an accused murderer escape jail.
Veronica: Yo, pops, check it out. This girl ain't gonna be nobody's bitch. You better reco'nize.
Keith: What's that on your arm?
Veronica: I've had some free time. And, no, I didn't help Josh escape. Not intentionally. It turns out he's allergic to peanuts. His plan was to take advantage of my kindness.
Keith: That's got to be the first time that's worked for anybody.
Veronica: Clifford. Something wrong?
Cliff: I just remembered I need to return Caged Heat to the video store.
Keith: Can I get you anything, honey?
Veronica: Oh, a couple cartons of smokes. ...What, dad? It's currency on the inside.
Keith: Any guess where I might find Josh?
Keith: So you think he did it?
Veronica: I don't know. If he didn't, he sure panicked quickly.
Keith: That was my thought, too.
Cliff: Anyone want to know what I think? ...Fine, I'll keep it to myself. I'm just saying, my entire workday is spent sorting through my various clients' lies. This kid? I think he's on the up-and-up.
Keith: You bringing in a fugitive or picking up your dad?
Vinnie: Old-timer, fraud warrant. Turns out, his uncle isn't Nigerian royalty.
Keith: Hey, uh, question. I saw what looked like an invoice from you at the home of Coach Barry's widow. Any chance we're working the same case?
Vinnie: Negatory. Mrs. Barry hired me about a month ago, wanted to know if her husband was cheating.
Keith: What did you learn?
Vinnie: Keith, I am bound by the exact same ethical codes you are.
Keith: Yeah, well—
Vinnie: I was pulling your leg. I had you, though. No, never got a money shot. Uh, but I did catch him getting friendly in a parking lot with a very attractive married lady.
Keith: Any chance I could get a copy of that picture?
Vinnie: Yeah, what the hell? It'll be good having you owe me one. I guess you're tracking that kid? I was thinking of diving into that.
Keith: Well, I'm...looking for the coach's killer.
Vinnie: Oh, didn't you hear? It's the kid.
Keith: Dr. Landry, what brings you—
Landry: Question, Keith. I found this bug in my cell phone. Did you put it there?
Keith: No, Hank.
Landry: Did Veronica do it?
Keith: I'm sure she had nothing to do with it.
Landry: You're sure, sure? She's got a lot of initiative. You know, the other day, she asked me something about the movie that I watched in the hotel that night, and then I realized she was probing my alibi.
Keith: She does have a lot of initiative.
Landry: She also has got a lot of promise, and she doesn't need to be slumming it in a P.I. office the rest of her life. And, uh, just for the record, that night I checked into the Grand at 7:30. I watched the Clipper game in my room until Mindy showed up, about 8:15. The rest of the evening was occupied by the usual business of an affair, followed by a pay-per-view movie, then sleep. There's no more to say. And there's no more for you or your daughter to find. So please stop trying. It's starting to piss me off.
Keith: I need to see the sheriff.
Sacks: I don't know, Keith. He looks kind of busy.
Keith: Well, that's something I got to see.
Lamb: So, if I'm hearing you right, you're calling me a dumbass.
Keith: All I said was the dean's death was a murder, not a suicide. I wanted to bring you what I had as a concerned citizen.
Veronica: You bring my harmonica? I've got the blues, pa, the sittin'-in-my-jail-cell blues.
Keith: Did you bug Hank Landry's phone?
Veronica: Wait, what?
Keith: He just came storming into the office, saying he found a bug in his cell phone, asking me if I planted it. I didn't. Did you?
Veronica: No. Really. Come on, dad. This is the face of truth.
Keith: Yeah, that played better in a different context. But, okay, I'm a sucker. I believe you.
Logan: No holiday decorations, huh?
Veronica: Actually, that's just why I'm in jail, to avoid Valentine's Day.
Veronica: You've nearly warmed this cold, cold heart of mine.
Logan: Well, this definitely warms mine.
Lamb: You don't remember the movie?
Mindy: Hank must have ordered it after I fell asleep.
Lamb: That's pretty late for a movie. Don't you think he'd have been pretty tired after all your...activities?
Mindy: I guess that some people have stamina.
Lamb: You didn't leave the room?
Lamb: Lying to me is a crime, you know.
Mindy: You might be thinking of perjury.
Lamb: I am thinking of perjury.
Mindy: Well, then you might be confused about what perjury is. Me lying to you here is not perjury.
Weevil: She's all yours. Knock yourself out, Magnum.
Logan: Hey. Uh, Veronica asked me to bring you this.
Mac: Performing a favor from a jail cell? The girl has serious friendship skills.
Bronson: Jason can't do it, either. He's out of town.
Parker: Logan, can we, like, borrow you?
Logan: Will I be returned in my current pristine condition?
Logan: Go on.
Cliff: Who wants out of jail?
Veronica: I do! I do!
Lamb: I know you from somewhere.
Wallace: Yeah, you told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.
Lamb: Well, did you?
Wallace: Yeah. He said to let you know you're the only sheriff in America who he considers a true friend of Dorothy.
Veronica: Are you okay?
Mason: I was jumped and thrown in the back of my own car by some psycho who thinks that I killed his father! So, no! I've had better days.
Mason: Thank you for believing me.
Veronica: You lied about having a gun.
Mason: But I wasn't lying about what I saw.
Veronica: He seems convinced otherwise.
Mason: Oh, really? I-I must have missed that.
Keith: Honey...why is there a pistol in the freezer?
Veronica: Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice. ...Because revenge is a dish best served cold. ...Because I want to commit murder in the 28th degree?
Veronica: You think Mrs. Barry hired someone to kill her husband?
Keith: That's one possibility, but it would be odd for her to hire us after that.
Veronica: ...I'm not gonna provide a drum roll.
Mac: Demonstrate...127. Page?
Bronson: Whoa. Ah, look. "The Kama Sutra, plate number eleven...Congress of the Cow."
Mac: So, we, like...
Parker: Demonstrate. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mac: Okay, you first.
Logan: Wait. That's "Splitting of a Bamboo." Can I see that for a second?
Drugstore Clerk: Super Titans?
Logan: It's a curse, actually.
Bronson: Here's the thing...I'm not what you would call a strong swimmer.
Mac: Yeah, Bronson can't swim.
Logan: Uh, do you have any idea how cold that water is?
Parker: Please. I'm from Denver.
Logan: Right. Which means you've never actually touched the Pacific Ocean.
Parker: I thought you were some kind of surfing badass.
Logan: Okay. But I have a wet suit in the car. Why don't we just grab that?
Parker: We're in a race against time, Logan. We have no time for you to change out of your panties.
Lamb: So, what, now I'm a jerk because I listened to a concerned citizen?
Veronica: No, just 'cause.
Lamb: Does everyone need a piece of me this morning?
Sacks: We got the results on the keyboard you wanted.
Keith: You got prints off the dean's computer?
Lamb: By all means, Sacks, tell me the forensics results in front of Neptune's favourite amateur crime-fighting duo.
Sacks: I can't tell, Sheriff, are you being sarcastic—
Lamb: Did you ID the prints or not, Sacks?
Bronson: Well, hey, it's still third place.
Mac: More like second loser.
Bronson: And this is what you meant by "crash"?
Mac: Oh. Yeah. I meant "bang." I got my onomatopoeias mixed up.
Bronson: I don't think "bang" is the right word, either.
Mac: Well, not when you're all sweet and tender about it.
Bronson: I like being sweet to you.
Mac: I'm really glad. Wait. Can I say something else, instead of that?
Bronson: Oh. Uh, I like being sweet to you.
Mac: Now all I got is..."thank you."
Bronson: That's okay.
Cliff: Mr. Batando? Brace yourself for the best free legal representation in Neptune county.
Batando: Do I know you?
Cliff: I've got one of those faces.
Cliff: I'd like to remind my client that he is answering these questions only as a courtesy to the sheriff.
Lamb: Is that it?
Cliff: That's it for now.
Lamb: Mr. Batando, where were you on the night of December 10th, approximately—
Cliff: Hold on. It says here Mr. Batando was picked up at the laundromat on El Camino.
Cliff: Just pointing out that my client was taken into custody a hundred yards inside Santa Rita County. You don't have jurisdiction there. Any information you gather today will be inadmissible. I'm sure you know that. Do go on.
Keith: My buddy in customs found footage of Josh crossing the border on a fake ID. Please tell me it's just a coincidence.
Keith: You want to give me plausible deniability? I suggest you remember to unplug the laminator next time.
Mindy: I really don't understand why you had to drag me down here—
Keith: I know. I'm a tough man to shake, Mrs. O'Dell.
Mindy: What do you want, Keith?
Keith: Sheriff Mars.