3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves"
Aired Jan 30, 2007
Veronica: Are you gonna eat that?
Veronica: Yeah, that fry in particular.
Logan: That was the plan.
Veronica: I'm just saying, if you weren't, or if you were just gonna consume it out of obligation or to meet someone else's expectations, I know someone who might be willing to take it off your hands. Maybe add a little ketchup, make it worth a girl's while.
Lamb: Always looking for a crime where there isn't one. I think you need a new hobby, Keith.
Keith: Oh, I don't know. I find solving an investigation very relaxing. You should give it a try sometime.
Veronica: Sir Cheats-a-Lot. How's business?
Max: Booming. It's like no one here wants to do his own work. I've actually brought in employees.
Veronica: Question: does your team provide study guides for ethics exams?
Max: Every day. Yeah, the irony has kind of faded over time.
Max: Is it true you're, like, a junior private investigator? Because if it's true, A) that's really cool, and B) I-I've got a case for you.
Veronica: You're just like the rest of them, aren't you? You just want to use me for my skills and pay me for my time and effort.
Max: Do I have an option of using you for your skills and not paying?
Veronica: The friends-and-family plan...unfortunately, you're neither.
Veronica: So we're straight, this girl you love: you don't know where she lives, who she's marrying, or, if I understand correctly, her name.
Max: I know her first name.
Veronica: A triumph.
Max: And she's from Poughkeepsie. She mentioned that.
Veronica: How do I put this delicately? Does she know who you are?
Max: Yes. We met at this convention thing. We got to talking. We hit it off. We ended up staying up all night in my hotel room talking about, you know, life, the big picture. We connected on some higher plane. Last names, at that point, seemed trivial.
Veronica: Uh-huh, so, what was the convention? Is there actually a fake-term-paper and stolen-test-provider union?
Max: It was Comic-Con.
Veronica: You didn't get all sweaty in your Wookiee suit, did you?
Max: Yuk it up. You know, it's not all Trekkies and Star Wars nerds. I was there because Dave Gibbons has a new graphic novel that he scripted as well as drew.
Veronica: Sounds cooler now. So, about the one that got away: she was dressed as a Cylon, and you only knew her as Six, right?
Max: Her name is Chelsea, and she was in regular clothes. And, yeah, after the Dave Gibbons thing, I may have drifted into the Battlestar Galactica session. And, yeah, that's where we met. And, okay, we started out talking about how the Cylon raiders on BSG look like Batman's car when it turns into a plane. But then...then we started talking about our crappy relationships with our parents and, and Chuck Klosterman and moral grayness.
Veronica: And how when you see a plastic bag flying around, you think there's so much beauty in the world you can't take it?
Max: Have a seat.
Veronica: No, thanks. It's easier to be nosy if I can mill about.
Veronica: You know Mac and Parker? This is their room.
Veronica: Uh, this photo.
Max: No, that's from the around-the-world party. That's my roommate, Brian, and my friend, Fred. I think that room was supposed to be Canada, but it was kind of lame.
Max: There's some things you can't fake.
Veronica: There are some things women are universally known for faking, and this girl is a professional.
Max: When I dropped her off at the airport, she had tears in her eyes.
Veronica: Are you sure she wasn't thinking of the cab fare back?
Fred: You can't do this. I mean, you're just fueling his fire. He's obsessed.
Veronica: He thinks she's the one.
Brian: She's the first girl to touch where his bathing suit covers. Of course he thinks she's the one.
Veronica: Actually, she's not.
Brian: He wasn't a virgin?
Fred: We spent five hundred each on a hooker, and he wasn't a virgin?
Veronica: No, you spent five hundred each, and he's still a virgin.
Brian: Okay, she better have done some crazy, like, circus act.
Veronica: They talked and connected.
Brian: This is the worst moment of my life.
Veronica: It's like a Zagat Guide for hookers. How did people find sex before there was an internet?
Veronica: What's GFE?
Brian: Girlfriend experience.
Veronica: She has to be an experienced girlfriend?
Brian: It's the type of experience you want her to have. You want it to be like she's your girlfriend, it's a GFE, girlfriend experience. But if you want to act like you're in a porn, it's a PSE: porn-star experience.
Veronica: Is there a reality experience, where she reminds the guy she's only there because he's paying her?
Veronica: From 18,000 down to two. Your attention to detail has served us well, young Jedis. So, which blurry-faced, fatherless girl is she?
Fred: Pink bikini, maybe?
Brian: I don't know. I think the one we picked had a longer torso.
Veronica: I come home after a hard day at work, and there you are, lounging with your bonbons and your Harper's Bazaar. There better be some freshly pressed shirts in my closet, or so help me. What? You got nothing?
Keith: Hmm. Maybe I'm not in the mood.
Veronica: Amuse me, damn it. Amuse me now!
Keith: [singing] I finally got the police report on the dean's suiciiiiiide!
Veronica: That needs work.
Veronica: Did the report say anything about the dean's office getting egged?
Keith: Nope, but then again, it looks like it was done by a tenth grader. I swear it might as well have heavy-metal band logos sketched in the margins.
Keith: Will you be home for dinner?
Veronica: No, I'm meeting two hookers over at Logan's later.
Keith: On a school night?
Veronica: Off-peak hours. Save a few bucks.
Keith: You're not really.
Veronica: Fiona and Lizette. They're just a couple of gals putting themselves through college. Man, quit bringing me down with your bourgeois hang-ups.
Veronica: So, have you...ever been with one?
Logan: An escort?
Logan: Do we really want to go there?
Veronica: I guess we don't have to now.
Logan: Come on, that wasn't me answering the question.
Veronica: It kinda was.
Logan: No, it wasn't. That was me knowing there's a land mine and trying to figure out where to put my foot.
Veronica: Well, I guess you picked your spot. Look, why not dispel any romantic notions? If we see each other, warts and all, and still like each other, that's a real connection.
Logan: Well, maybe I enjoy my romantic notions. Maybe I don't care to see any warts, you know, yours or mine. Now you see, you're smiling, all right, so I think it's all fun and safe, but it's a slippery slope from "Have you ever been" to "How many" and "How often."
Veronica: So you've been with multiple hookers on several occasions.
Logan: I'm not having this conversation with you.
Max: That's not her.
Veronica: Sorry, Lizette. Looks like we're gonna have to reschedule. Pay the girl, Max.
Logan: If we're paying her anyway...
Max: Sorry, I was looking for someone else.
Lizette: I'll live.
Logan: This is just wasteful.
Veronica: Morning. Whatcha doing?
Keith: Just getting dressed for work.
Veronica: Wait. You're missing something. Now, remember, when you rip off the breakaway pants, thrust your pelvis toward the bachelorette, okay? It's her special day.
Logan: This is a bad idea.
Veronica: It's blackmail. It's the go-to idea. In case of emergency, break glass or blackmail.
Logan: Uh, excuse me if I can't get jazzed about my girlfriend extorting a judge.
Veronica: I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really...intimate.
Logan: That's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off.
Veronica: I'm just saying, buried secrets tend to surface when I'm around.
Logan: Maybe that's because of all the digging, huh?
Happy: I don't think this is street legal. What's the voltage on this?
Madame: Put it down, Happy.
Veronica: Wait, there really is a Mr. Happyfists? I thought that was just colorful language.