3.11 "Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves"

Aired Jan 30, 2007


Hearst cafeteria: Veronica tries to convince Logan it's in his best interest to give her one of his fries (with ketchup). She's successful in her attempt, and he feeds it to her. Logan leaves to go to Astronomy, and asks if she's seen the Lampoon yet. The headline proclaims "Egg" and the second page is a picture of a splattered egg with "ed" on it. She begins to read about the eggings that happened to the Lampoon staff. Weevil arrives and puts his tray down, asking if they actually wrote something funny. Veronica tells him the Lampoon offices were egged the night after Dean O'Dell reinstated the Greeks. She hands him the newspaper to look at the report. She points out one where the Pi Sigma party was egged by unknown people but says it was obviously the Lilith house girls. It also mentions the Hearst statue and Lampoon offices being hit. Weevil says he can't believe how dumb they were — they're mad at the Dean so they egg his window, but he's not the one who has to clean it up. Veronica says it doesn't mention the dean's office being hit, and Weevil tells her it was that night. He says the dean was a good guy, and it was a damn shame he died.

Sheriff's office: Keith is kept waiting as Deputy Sacks tries to find the police report about Dean O'Dell's suicide, a task made difficult by it being filed under the letter D. Sacks then feels the necessity to apologetically explain to the newly-arrived Lamb that Keith is entitled to it, as it's a public record. Lamb scoffs that Keith should find a new hobby. Keith quips back that solving crimes is relaxing and that Lamb should give it a go.

Hearst: Max finds Veronica on campus, and she asks about his business, which he tells her is booming to the point where he has to bring in employees to keep up with the demand. Max quickly gets to the point, however, buttering up Veronica by telling her how cool her job is and then asking for her help with a case. He tells her that the woman he loves is getting married, but he knows no details except her first name. Veronica looks at him with concern as he tells her that he's going to take desperate measures if he doesn't find the girl.

Opening credits

Hearst: Veronica confirms the details that Max knows about the girl, and he adds the fact that not only does he know her first name, but she's also from Poughkeepsie. She asks if the girl actually knows who he is, and he tells Veronica that they met at Comic-Con, where they stayed up all night talking and connected on a deeper level. They banter about Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica, and then Max finally reveals that the girl's name is Chelsea, they didn't sleep together, and he took her to the airport the next morning. Since they were running late, she told him that she'd left her information in his room, but when he got back, housekeeping had already been there, and the piece of paper was gone.

Max tells Veronica that Chelsea sent him a text message, telling him that she was getting tired of waiting for him to call and was marrying her ex. Unfortunately, not only does the guy who always answers the phone say that he's never heard of Chelsea, but Max's roommate accidentally erased the text message. Fortunately, Max tells Veronica that he wrote down the number, and she asks where it is.

Max's room: Max invites Veronica into his room, and she spots a picture of him and two other guys taken in Mac and Parker's room. Max explains that it was taken at the around-the-world party and the guys in the picture are Brian, his roommate, and Fred, his friend. Max then gives Veronica the number, and she calls it. A guy answers, and Veronica explains that she's helping a friend find the person who sent a text message from this phone, but the guy says that he doesn't know a Chelsea. Veronica then asks where his phone's area code is from and he tells her that it's from Goshen, New York. The guy confirms that it's near Poughkeepsie but says that he's not in Goshen at the moment because he's attending a little-known college in California called Hearst. Veronica grins and asks him where he is and if she can come and see the message.

Hearst cafeteria: Veronica is looking at the cafeteria guy's phone and finds the sent message with no problem. She reads Chelsea's message aloud, and the guy protests that he didn't send it. Veronica suggests that perhaps the last time he was home, someone borrowed his phone and sent the message from it. Before he can answer, though, another employee comes out of the back, and Veronica does a double-take when she recognizes him from the picture in Max's room. She asks if he's Max's roommate, and he introduces himself as Brian. Veronica comments that he looks more like a Chelsea, and his eyes dart guiltily.

Max's room: Veronica enters and tells Max that the good news is Chelsea isn't getting married; bad news is she's a hooker. Max stands there gobsmacked. Veronica delicately explains that Brian and Fred thought that Max would have more confidence with girls if he lost his virginity, so they fed Chelsea information on Battlestar Galactica, but when they saw him pining over her, they decided to help him get over her by sending the text message from the New York guy's phone. Max finds his voice and asks if she can find Chelsea. Veronica tries to reason with him by reminding him that even if she finds her, Chelsea would still be a prostitute. Max isn't deterred and insists that there was something special between him and Chelsea that couldn't be faked. Veronica tries again to reason with him and says that faking it is part of Chelsea's profession. Max doesn't want to listen any further and tells Veronica that her job is to find Chelsea, not to tell him her profession.

Hearst cafeteria: Veronica, Brian, and Fred enter Hearst's cafeteria, talking about Max and Chelsea. She tells them that Max thinks Chelsea's "The One," to which Brian opines that the only reason he thinks that is because she was the first girl to touch where his bathing suit covers. Veronica informs them that she wasn't the first girl to touch him there — they spent the money on a hooker, but Max is still a virgin. The guys are shocked, especially when they learn that Max and Chelsea just talked and connected, but they quickly assume that the only reason Max is looking for her is so that he can sleep with her. Veronica convinces them that Max needs to see for himself, and asks where they found her, and they show her...

Fred's room: A search engine for hookers. Veronica rhetorically asks what they'll think of next, and Fred and Brian look at each other proudly and shrug. The search only has one result for "Chelsea," though, and this Chelsea is a guy. Fred and Brian inform her that hookers change their working names constantly, but Veronica isn't too keen on browsing all 18,731 listings to find the right girl. They suggest narrowing down the search by preference, which proves to be more successful. Once some of the search qualifications are explained, the results show only two girls. Fred and Brian have no idea which one they hired, though, and Veronica stares at them in disbelief as they deliberate.

Mars apartment: Keith sits writing frantically as Veronica arrives home. She says she comes home after a hard day's work, and he's just lounging with his bonbons and Harper's Bazaar. She jokes that there had better be freshly-pressed shirts in his closet. Keith sighs and looks at her blankly. Veronica's not impressed he's got nothing, and he says he's not in the mood. She demands he amuse her, so he launches into a song (complete with jazz hands) that he's got the police report into the dean's suicide. Veronica responds that his little song needs work. She asks if the report mentions his office being egged, and he replies that it doesn't, but the report looks like it was done by a tenth grader. Veronica gets some water out the fridge and sits down, telling him that the Lilith House girls had a real grudge against the Greeks, and they also hated the dean. She tells him about Nish's threat to the dean after he fired her and how they were on an egging spree the night he died. Keith asks if she'd talk to them, and Veronica informs him they aren't her greatest fans, so he should probably do it himself. She tells him that if he goes undercover as a student, he shouldn't wear any Daniel Boone jackets or peace signs, as times have changed. Keith gets up to go to the kitchen, asking if she'll be home for dinner. She informs him she's meeting two hookers over at Logan's later. Keith turns in surprise, before querying it being on a school night. She points out it's off-peak hours, so they'll save some money. Keith asks if she's really...doing that, and Veronica tells him the hookers are just girls trying to get through college. She gets up and walks towards her room, telling him not to bring her down with his bourgeois hang-ups. Keith chuckles uncertainly.

Logan's hotel room: Veronica and Logan arrive at his hotel with dinner. Logan asks if they should have gotten more food for the hookers, and Veronica corrects him, telling him they prefer the term escorts. They sit down facing each other, and Veronica casually asks him if he's ever been with an escort. Logan asks if they really want to go there. Veronica takes that as the answer to her question, and Logan protests it wasn't. He points out the question is a land mine, and he doesn't really know where to put his foot. Veronica says that it would be good if they could really see each other, warts and all, and if they still like each other, they have a real connection. Logan points out he likes keeping his romantic notions about her, and the question would prompt further details such as how many and how often. Veronica takes this to mean he has been with multiple hookers on several occasions. Max arrives, and Veronica introduces him to Logan. Logan smirks at Max, and he uncomfortably tells him that he didn't know that she was a hooker at the time. Logan tells him no one is judging. They watch Sense and Sensibility together, as Veronica impatiently notes that the hooker is late. Max asks where the bathroom is, and as he leaves, there is a knock at the door. Logan admits he's nervous, answers the door, and Lizette introduces herself. She spots Veronica behind Logan, and points out that she's up for it, but it will cost them extra. Max arrives and points out that Lizette is not the girl they were looking for. Veronica tells Max to pay her, and Logan jokingly adds that if they're paying her anyway... Veronica reproaches him, shaking her head. Max quickly explains to Lizette they wanted someone else while paying her. She leaves, opening the door to another girl, who introduces herself as Fiona. Max calls out to her, and she breathes out an excited "oh, my god," before they run into each other's arms. Veronica gives Logan a surprised look as Logan smiles at the display.

Logan's hotel room: Veronica and Logan look on as Wendy and Max get reacquainted. Logan helps himself to Veronica's popcorn, commenting that they should hang out with her friends more. He asks Fiona where she's from. Fiona pulls away from Max and tells them her name is actually Wendy. Max says he likes it. Veronica asks if they need a refill — or a room. Wendy realizes that they're being rude, but she didn't think she'd see Max again. She tells them she was such a girl when he dropped her off at the airport, all misty and dramatic. She says when he left she got a rush, thinking of everything that had led to that moment and all the choices she'd made, and if she'd made different ones she could be with the sweet guy dropping his girlfriend off, all teary-eyed. He protests he wasn't teary-eyed. There's a knock at the door, and Veronica says she bets that Dick forgot his keycard again. She gets up to open it, and finds Madison dressed way more like a hooker than Wendy or Lizette. Madison asks Veronica if she's dating Logan again or if Veronica is just hotel staff as she struts into the room. Veronica fakes a laugh, and then tells her that Dick's not there. Madison asks what they're all up to, and Logan brushes her off. Madison sarcastically tells them it looks like super fun, but she's going to go do something that doesn't suck. After she's gone, Wendy asks if Madison was a friend of Veronica's. Veronica informs her that Madison is the physical embodiment of everything she loathes, and if Dick starts dating her again, Logan's going to need a new roommate. Logan looks back at his snack.

Mars apartment: Keith pulls out a suit bag from his closet. A few moments later, he stands in front of his mirror admiring his reflection in his old sheriff's uniform. Veronica arrives at his bedroom door, and asks what he's doing. Keith says he's just getting ready for work. Veronica says he's missing something and arrives back a second later with a portable CD player. She tells him when he pulls off the break-away pants, he should thrust his pelvis directly towards the bachelorette, because it's her special day, as she demonstrates the pelvis thrusting.

Claire's apartment: Claire answers her door and immediately looks worried as she sees Keith dressed in the sheriff's uniform. Fern appears at Claire's side and asks Keith what he wants. Keith enters the apartment and, in an authoritative voice, says he's following up on some things from the night of the dean's death. Keith says that the dean's office was egged that night, and he wants to ask them some questions about it. Fern and Claire defensively deny egging the office and say that the dean didn't kill himself because his office got egged. Keith bluntly says that he knows they egged the Lampoon office and the dean's office and tells them that the dean was actually murdered. Fern and Claire both look shocked at hearing this and hastily say that they didn't kill anyone. Keith asks who else was involved in their egg adventure. They answer that Nish was also with them, but that she wasn't there when they egged the dean's office. Keith tries to ask them where Nish went that night, but Nish herself appears and calls his bluff and informs the others that he's a private eye, not a cop. She then boldly informs Keith that she was egging the dean's beloved Volvo. Fern then tells Nish that the dean was murdered.

Neptune: Keith pulls up alongside Lamb at a red light. Lamb does a double-take as he notices Keith's police uniform, and Keith jokingly salutes him and drives away.

Hearst dorms: Veronica shows up at Max's dorm after receiving a text from him. She comments on the lingerie on his floor, but he cuts to the chase, telling Veronica that he wants to hire her again, to make Wendy disappear and give her a new identity. Veronica is skeptical, warning Max that he may be moving too quickly, but Wendy interrupts before Max gets a chance to respond, and he tells her that Veronica's going to help. Wendy tells Veronica that, although she's not a big earner, she has one particular client — a judge — and Veronica gets excited, reminiscing about the time that her dad busted him for taking bribes, and Wendy tells her about the judge's fetishes. Max is clearly uncomfortable with the conversation, although he tries to hide it, and reassures Wendy that she won't have to deal with the judge anymore.

Logan's hotel room: Logan answers his door to find a beaten-up hooker, who asks for Wendy. Sometime later the hooker, Nicki, sits on the couch with a towel and bag of frozen peas pressed against her black eye. Nicki tells Wendy that if she doesn't come back with her and bring $1,000, their pimp was going play connect the bruises on Nicki. Wendy tearfully tells Max that she has to go back. Max gives her the money and promises that he will get her out of the business.

Logan's hotel room: Veronica and Logan are in his bedroom. Veronica checks the lounge where Max is still moping, sitting quietly in the dark. Logan suggests that it is time to kick him out, but Veronica asks for the chance to talk to him. Veronica goes out to the lounge and tries to comfort Max. She reminds him that he and Wendy will always have Comic-Con and admits that she was wrong, Max and Wendy were great together. Failing miserably to cheer him up, she goes to get him a glass of water, pausing to pick up the towel and frozen peas. She glances down at the towel and spots a large purple mark. She shows Max, explaining that it's make-up. Nicki's bruises were fake. Almost triumphant that she was right all along, Veronica says that Wendy just screwed him out of a grand and that now it is time to crush her. Max is hardly enthusiastic, but there's no stopping Veronica who decides that the best way to get Max his money back is to extort it from Wendy's kinky client, the judge. Despite Logan's strong objections, Veronica telephones the judge on Max's phone and tells him that he if doesn't leave $1000 in a locker at the bus station, his fetishes will be made public. Satisfied with a job well-done, Veronica sees Max off the premises and cuddles up to a still-peeved Logan.

Logan's hotel room: Veronica and Logan lie entwined in each other's arms. Veronica points out that if she was a hooker, the snuggle would cost him. Logan smiles and says he'd be glad to pay in cash. Veronica turns around and asks again if he's ever been with a hooker. Logan asks why it matters, and she says she just wants to know. She already assumes the answer is yes anyway, so she can show him how cool she is by not caring. Logan tells her to stop asking, and Veronica responds that she just wants to get to a place where they can be really intimate. Logan points out that's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off. Veronica tells him secrets tend to surface when she's around, and Logan points out that it might be because of all the digging she does, while gently stroking her face. She then says he's got the chance now to tell all, and she will, and they can go from there. Logan concedes and she asks whether he has been with a hooker. He responds in the negative and she smiles. He smiles back and laughs softly at her reaction. She asks if he wants to ask her anything, and he asks if she's ever been with a hooker. She says she hasn't. She then asks about the night Logan was in Mexico with Mercer. She doesn't see how it was possible for him to get back to Neptune, commit a rape and get back there without Logan knowing. Logan isn't happy with the question, but he tells her he passed out, and perhaps it was for longer than he thought — a few hours rather than minutes. He suggests that Mercer could have drugged him. Veronica tells him it's his question, but Logan says she can have it. She asks if he was with anyone while they were apart. Logan tells her it's a land mine, and Veronica looks on apprehensively. He says he fooled around with a horrible girl who meant less than nothing to him, but he couldn't regret it more and thinking about it makes him feel ill. He waits in silence, before he asks if she still loves him. Veronica smiles slowly and replies she does. They both turn back to each other, kissing sweetly.

Mars apartment: Veronica is eating breakfast when her phone rings. It's Max, telling her that the judge called and asks if she wants to come get the money with him. She agrees, saying that the pickup is the best part.

Bus station: Veronica opens the locker and finds a note telling them to get into the limo waiting outside or Wendy will get hurt. Without a word, Max and Veronica go outside, where a burly guy opens the back door, and they both get into the car.

The limo circles a near-empty parking lot as Veronica tries to explain the situation, and asks if they can be let out, lesson learned. The pimp — a woman — tells them that she's the one who gets called when one of her girls does something stupid, and Max tries to take the blame, insisting that he called the judge. The pimp isn't buying it, though, since she knows that the call was made by a girl, and that Wendy did several other dumb things, including fall for a client; hearing this, Max's face gets hopeful. The woman informs him that Wendy owes her quite a bit of money, but before she finishes telling Max Wendy's options, Max offers to pay the $10,000 that it will take to release Wendy from her debt.

Hearst dorms: Veronica tells Max incredulously that he just handed over a hundred hundred dollar bills. Max hazily says that he was there. Veronica begins to voice her doubt about Wendy coming back but stops as they see Wendy crouching outside Max's room with her bags. Wendy sees them and stands, uncertain of the reaction. Max runs to her and they kiss as Veronica watches thoughtfully.

Hearst cafeteria: Veronica and Wendy sit talking, and Wendy tells Veronica that dumb luck and interesting lingerie is the secret to making a guy fall for you. Weevil approaches the table, all excited with a story of what someone tried to flush down the toilet in the faculty lounge and doesn't notice Max arriving behind him. Weevil recognizes Wendy and calls her Fiona, saying that he remembers her as a dancer at the Electric Lady. Wendy uncomfortably says that he must be thinking of someone else. Weevil says he that he's sure and says she's got a red dragon tattoo. Veronica cuts in and sharply tells Weevil that he's got the wrong girl. Weevil sees the look on Veronica's face and looks back, sees Max, and it all clicks. He hurriedly apologizes and leaves.

Mars apartment: Keith brings the police report into Veronica's room, telling her that Nish said she egged the dean's Volvo, but the dean was driving the minivan. Veronica suggests that Nish is lying, but Keith proposes that Mindy visited the dean at work, since she was driving the Volvo and that was the car that Nish egged. Veronica asks why Mindy would have neglected to mention that, and Keith says that he was wondering the same thing.

Hearst dorms: Wendy and Max sit silently and awkwardly together. He's reading a book with his leg up as Wendy paints his toenails. Brian and Fred appear at the door, and Brian warns Max that their RA is sniffing around because he saw Wendy with the bags. Wendy says she's only staying a few days until she finds a place and a job. Brian says that his brother is getting married and asks if she can be a stripper at the bachelor party. Max angrily yells at them for the suggestion. Wendy, a little disappointed, says that she's retired. They apologize and quickly leave. Max puts his book down and asks her if she actually left her info for him at the hotel like she said she did. Tears welling in her eyes, Wendy shakes her head and says that she wished she had left it. It's all too much for him, and Max makes an excuse and leaves the room.

Hearst library: A few days later, Max stops by to see Veronica to pay her. She asks how things are and he says that they suck because Wendy left, but at least this time she left him a note. Veronica says that she hopes he doesn't ask her to find Wendy again. Max says he doesn't because Wendy was right and reads her the note that Wendy left him. The note says that the day they met was the best day of her life, but now he knows what she is and he treats her differently, but he's taught her what she's missing. Veronica dryly says that ten grand is a lot to pay for a life lesson. Max tells her that Wendy will pay him back as soon as she can. Veronica tells Max not to get his hopes up, but he pulls out an envelope stuffed with money and says that Wendy made good money last night and paid him a thousand dollars, but hopes that Veronica doesn't mind being paid in vertically folded singles. Veronica sighs at the implication of how Wendy is making her money and puts her arm around Max to comfort him.

Lingerie shopping: Veronica shops for underwear, remarking she was told by a pro that it was what she should do. She says she wants to get into the spirit of doing things for her boyfriend like a normal girlfriend. She places her underwear on the counter. Madison steps out a changing room, asking if they have the thigh highs with the seams up the back. Veronica tells her she saw some between the pasties and the edible underwear. Madison snarks at Veronica about raiding the sales rack because it's almost a crime for Madison to spend all the money on something that will be ripped from her. Veronica tells her that if she's trying to get Dick back, she doesn't have to try this hard. Madison sneers that she's not interested in Dick. Veronica points out that when Madison came over, Veronica thought she was looking for Dick. Madison takes great delight in informing her that she hooked up with Logan over the holidays in Aspen. Veronica looks shocked and devastated, and Madison twists the knife deeper, telling Veronica, "as a friend," that Logan isn't big on the one-piece numbers. Madison struts off, and Veronica looks deeply disturbed.

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