3.10 "Show Me the Monkey"
Aired Jan 23, 2007
Veronica: You should hire someone to do this.
Keith: You're lucky I'm not a farmer. You'd be out plowing a field.
Veronica: What is manila anyway?
Keith: I don't know. Is it a substance, a color maybe? "In the kitchen, we'll do a nice manila."
Veronica: I'd say more like, "by the time we dug him up, he turned manila."
Keith: Don't you have to get to class?
Veronica: On my way. Oh, and Wikipedia says, not a what, but a where, called "manila" after hemp from the Philippines. Oh. Good morning.
Keith: Guess that would explain why this filing was giving me a killer buzz.
Mac: Wow, this is one trashed lab. All it's missing is a big hole in the wall shaped like the Hulk.
Veronica Voiceover: Logan Echolls, don't you get it? Ex-boyfriend — that's your new title. It comes with certain restrictions. This is my food court time. You're not a breakfast person. You're not even an early-lunch kind of guy. Can't we just agree this is Veronica time?
Veronica: Mac. And the people coming to take me away.
Mac: Veronica Mars, Pauline Elliott and Gil Thomas Pardy. They're missing a monkey.
Gil: And twenty rats.
Veronica: We're talking "monkey" as in...
Mac: "Touch my."
Pauline: It's not just any monkey.
Veronica: Please tell me he plays piano.
Pauline: Twenty-five is a genetically altered capuchin monkey. Its uptake-inhibitor proteins have been coded to allow us to monitor cholesterol breakdown at a cellular level. ...And he can play "Chopsticks."
Pauline: I know exactly who stole him. It was those damn PHAT kids.
Veronica: 'Cause I take it, monkeys are delicious? And, dude, "girth-challenged" is the preferred nomenclature.
Gil: P-H-A-T. People for Humane Animal Treatment.
Mac: I just can't wait for when you're in a tree, going, "here, monkey, monkey," and holding out a banana, and then the branch breaks and hilarity ensues.
Veronica: Uh, if there's hilarity, I charge extra.
Veronica: PHAT is having a recruitment meeting tonight. Square one.
Mac: Want some company? ...What? This soft spot here — it's for all creatures, great and small.
Veronica: The more, the merrier. All we need is one more angel, and we've got a show.
Veronica: How did you find me? My cell phone's not on.
Keith: Maybe I'll tell you someday.
Veronica: According to the PHAT website, we should stay away from fur — obviously — down, leather—
Mac: The one day I feel like wearing a leather miniskirt.
Veronica: If it ever had a face or parents, you can't wear it.
Mac: So my mollusk shoes are cool?
Mac: Oh, does this say "cruelty-free"?
Parker: It says, "I've given up. Don't look at me."
Party Organizer: Hey. You guys haven't picked a country yet. For the around-the-world party. Every dorm room dresses itself up like a different country. Party, fun? No?
Mac: I prefer most of the people on the floor, you know, not in my room.
Party Organizer: Okay, well, if you change your mind, let me know soon. Most of Western Europe goes down fast.
Parker: Single, single, and on the rebound. Just so you know, we're approaching critical pathetic mass if the girl who most wants to host gentlemen callers is the most recent victim of a sexual assault. We should be out there! Or, at the very least, not barring them from coming to us.
Mac: Okay, I get cruelty-free, but I'm an animal too, and the clove cigarettes and no-bathing thing is cruelty to me. Oh. No. Not you. [sniffs] You're fine.
Bronson: You guys ever been to one of these things before?
Mac: Me? No. I come from a meat-and-potatoes kind of family, minus the potatoes. My first pacifier was made of jerky.
Bronson: Well, it, uh, it could be fun.
Mac: Or it could be a lot of speechmaking by politicos-in-training.
Bronson: Or that.
Bronson: From food industries to clothing to medical research, corporate America employs horrible cruelty to animals, simply to maximize profit. It's a tragic state of affairs that we fight with education. People who disagree aren't the enemy. They're the goal. Yeah?
Veronica: This is in addition to some of the more active stuff? There was a rumor that someone liberated some research animals. I was just wondering if we'd be doing anything like that. ...What? I raised my hand.
Bronson: That's really not our thing, but if you're eager for action, how about joining us tomorrow night to launch our letter-writing campaign?
Veronica: Sure. That sounds almost as good.
Darla: You know, Bronson, that psycho bow-hunting rocker guy Ed Argent is playing downtown tomorrow night. We should consider picketing the show.
Bronson: You ever meet an Argent fan, Darla? They'd pay double to spit on our picket line.
Weevil: So, I came in at around seven. First, I thought he just had a bender and fell asleep at his desk, but then I saw blood and the note.
Keith: A note?
Weevil: Yeah, on the computer. He had a memo on the screen, saying, "Goodbye, cruel world. Zzzzzzzzzz." I guess his head fell on the "z." It's a shame, man. He was pretty cool...for a weird, old, white dude.
Dick: What's with you? That is awesome! How about a little life? What, you're just going to mope around like that guy in — what's that book where the guy's mom dies and he comes back to Jersey? He's got that motorcycle sidecar...
Logan: Garden State was never a book.
Dick: It wasn't? Oops. So much for that paper. But if this were a book, the theme of my essay would be the symbolism of how your character had his man parts ripped off by the Veronica Mars character.
Logan: My man parts are intact.
Dick: Show me.
Logan: Well, you'll have to take my word for it.
Dick: I mean, symbolically. We're young, single men in our sexual prime, and the only reason why we're not out there going hog-wild is because of your feelings? What, are we on The View? Am I Rosie O'Donnell? Here's something I read: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Think about that. Really, think about it.
Logan: Yeah, well, as a statement, it seems, you know, obvious and pointless.
Dick: Which means that's what your life is. You need help, I'm offering, okay? Nothing too major, just baby steps. Just, please, let me help you.
Bronson: Your friend seems pretty gung-ho.
Mac: Veronica? When she played peewee soccer, she made her own penalty cards so she could red-card players she didn't like.
Veronica: You look sad. You and your friend Weevil have a fight or something?
Keith: Just thinking, if I was gonna get drunk and shoot myself, I'd probably drink the good stuff first.
Veronica: Sheesh. Good thing we don't have any good stuff.
Veronica: Hey, Piz. Ed Argent is in town. Think you can pull some of that Oregon-mountain-man, kill-what-you-eat, gun-rack charm and book him on your show?
Piz: Everything north of San Francisco is just Thunderdome to you, isn't it?
Veronica: So, what happens to twenty-five...after you complete your research?
Pauline: The only way to conclusively prove test results is through an autopsy.
Veronica: So...that monkey good life includes a blindfold and a last smoke?
Emmy: You've got the A.C. on full. If you want to see my nipples, just ask.
Veronica: Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god! I am your biggest superbiggest fan. I joined the NRA after they covered you in Guns magazine.
Parker: Oh, I loved that article.
Mac: ...Totally. The second amendment is, like, my favorite.
Mac: I've never been initiated before. Think I'll get a code name?
Darla: We really loved what you did, and we want you to join our anti-fur campaign.
Sam: Congratulations. You're one of us.
Darla: We have a lot of work to do, so just go ahead and take 'em off.
Veronica: Uh, take what off?
Sam: Your clothes...for the calendar. You are committed, right?
Veronica Voiceover: It's an ongoing question in the private-eye game: how naked are you willing to get for a case?
Bronson: Some of us are going to grab a bite, if you want to come along.
Mac: I'm good. I had some mints.
Party Organizer: So, you're participating now? What about this is Canada?
Mac: Uh, our accents? Eh?
Veronica: And I almost forgot aboot...
It's been one week
Since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side
And said, "I'm angry"
Five days since you laughed at me
And said, "Get that together, come back and see me"
Parker: I'm confused. I thought you were against the whole party idea.
Veronica: We were. And then...a guy happened.
Mac: No. In a way. I don't know.
Veronica: Somebody was doe-eyed, tongue-tied, and, dare I say, twitterpated?
Parker: No more games, no more waiting around. I'm ready to be wooed!
Veronica: Amen, sister! ...That was supporting, not joining. I do not want to be wooed.
Mac: So, how's it going?
Veronica: I'm trying to keep an open mind. You?
Mac: I think I've been around the world, and I want my room back. This just isn't my scene. Can you manage Ultimate Boy Quest 2007 solo?
Veronica: He didn't show. Okay, everybody, Canada's closing! Sorry. Border-control issues.
Parker: Mac, there's someone here to see you.
Mac: Oh. Hey!
Parker: I checked his I.D. at the border, and all seems on the up-and-up.
Parker: So, how's it going?
Veronica: I'd say it's boys zero, me zero!
Bronson: Sorry I've got to go so soon, but...
Mac: That's why I wasn't doing much activism. Cuts into my partying.
Bronson: You should have seen me before I quit Greenpeace and the Sierra Club.
Mac: Jeez, why are you so down on people raping the planet? I mean, really.
Chip: Where the hell you been?
Dick: What, you think I just roll out of bed looking like this? It takes time.
Chip: Low maintenance. You should try it.
Dick: What, getting chewed by an angry mob of lesbians who stick eggs up people's butts? No, thanks.
Chip: I'm just saying, it does simplify one's personal grooming.
Logan: Are we here to surf or swap hairdo secrets?
Parker: Just keep it simple.
Mac: "Hi, my insane friend stole your driver's license."
Parker: It wasn't stealing, it was making an excuse to see him again. So you say, "Hi, you forgot your I.D. at the party. We were going out, thought we'd drop it off, and, hey, you want to come along?"
Mac: You want me to say that?
Parker: Mac, he tried to kiss you.
Mac: And my libi-don't kicked in.
Parker: Mac, he understands. He seems like a really great guy — just a regular vegan JFK looking for his Mackie O.
Veronica: I saw them — the test rats you liberated. Where's the monkey?
Bronson: Um, I don't have the monkey, and I didn't free the rats. They just showed up.
Veronica: Like, in a tiny van with a sob story about needing a place to crash?
Piz: These guys were all like, "as long as she's got a pair of..." You know, it was indelicate.
Veronica: What's indelicate about shoes?
Keith: What's the craziest thing you ever did for a woman? I knew this girl once — best-looking woman the world had ever produced, as far as I could tell. She tells me her ex-boyfriend is bothering her, always showing up at the same parking lot she hangs out in with her friends. So one night, I went and I filled a jelly jar with gasoline, stuck a rag in it, figuring, molotov cocktail — I'll light the guy's car on fire. No more bother in the parking lot. She'll be impressed.
Landry: You torched a guy's car?
Keith: You ever light a rag soaked in straight gasoline? Thing exploded in my hands. I torched my car.
Landry: Must have been a hell of a girl.
Keith: What the hell was I thinking? Have you ever done anything like that?
Landry: That why you put this song on, Keith? I read your book, all the way to your picture in the back. So, no, i've never done anything like that — like, for instance, kill Cyrus O'Dell for a woman. I wrote a book, too, about profiling — reading people. Maybe you should check it out.