3.09 "Spit & Eggs"
Aired Nov 28, 2006
Veronica: Hey, handsome.
Dick: Shh. Not in front of the old man. He's the jealous type.
Veronica: Hello, Dick. I can't believe they got such a perfect likeness. Did you actually model for them?
Dick: Take a picture, ladies! It'll last longer!
Veronica: Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate.
Logan: Well, he's a master debater.
Dean O'Dell: Hot damn, I'm back in business. What would I do if you ever left me?
Weevil: Call human resources and have them send a replacement?
Veronica: I'm fine, seriously. I just told the two of you 'cause I figured you should know. I'm not looking for a pity party.
Wallace: That's good. I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.
Piz: Hey, gang. What's the word? Is it "avuncular"? ...No? Just a shot in the dark.
Veronica: Going somewhere?
Keith: Oh, very good, number-one daughter. You might make a detective yet.
Dean O'Dell: So...what you got?
Keith: Only good news. You have nothing to worry about except, perhaps, your apparent lack of gaydar.
Dean O'Dell: I don't know what that is.
Landry: What an enlightening weekend I had. You learn a lot about people when you read their "Plan a Perfect Murder" papers. I must say, I'm a little frightened to appear before you today, and it's not just that a good half-dozen of you offed me. A chainsaw, Biggles? Really?
Landry: Let's see. We got rid of a full score of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends, the local sheriff bit the dust...
Tim: Can I help you find something?
Veronica: What's with the circled Pi Sigs? Are you onto something?
Tim: Did I miss something? Are we working together now? Are we Starsky and Butch?
Veronica: Cagney and Pasty.
Moe: I don't exactly know how to put this. It's the sort of thing that makes me hate being a resident advisor, but I have to ask. Someone has been leaving a surprise in the third stall every day for the past two weeks. This person apparently never learned how to flush, and it's my amateur medical opinion that he's also suffering from what must be a terminal disease. So?
Wallace: Not guilty, man.
Piz: Third stall stage right or stage left?
Moe: Stage right.
Piz: Yeah, not guilty either.
Veronica: Howdy, boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blow-out? Beer and ladies and music and other stuff guys like, I'm sure. Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry, televised sports, pornography. Nothing? None of this grabs you?
Piz: We were already planning on going.
Wallace: I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there.
Veronica: Awesome. Then you can help me out.
Wallace: Suddenly it sounds like a lot less fun.
Mac: Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the Stone Age, fifty-keg bacchanalia?
Veronica: Sounds fun, right?
Mac: Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.
Veronica: Please, Mac. I could really use the help.
Mac: Resistance is futile.
Veronica: Do your own thing at the party, but if you see a girl who looks out of it, sneak up to her drink, dip the coaster in, see if it turns red. If it does, the drink is dosed.
Wallace: And if you see a really cute girl and you want to dance with her?
Veronica: Dance. Just know that your libido caused some girl to get raped.
Wallace: That kinda takes the fun out of it.
Veronica: Hey, it's your life.
Wallace: Since when?
Veronica: See? You give me a hard time, I'm less enthusiastic about giving you the little "thanks for helping" presents I made for everybody this afternoon. Congratulations. You're all twenty-one.
Drew: Looky here. My favourite drink tosser. I'm so happy you came to Hearst.
Wallace: Seriously, does anyone like you?
Veronica: I want you to take a look at these coasters and see if you can spot the difference. Item one: printed on two sides with the name of the drug-testing manufacturer on it, distributed at the Take Back the Night booth. Item two: printed on one side, handed out at the Pi Sig party. One tests for date-rape drugs. My guess? The other tests to see whether drinks are wet.
Chip: You don't know that. Find me a laced drink, and let's see if it works. Go on, go on. Find one. I'll time you.
Veronica: There you go, Bambi. If it turns red, he's trying to rape you. If it doesn't, he still might be trying to rape you. How do you live with yourself?
Chip: Oh, it's a struggle, but I manage.
Veronica: Hi, Bonnie. So, where's your boyfriend tonight?
Bonnie: Do you see a ring?
Dick: Hey, Veronica. Where's your boyfriend tonight? Oh, wait, I'm so sorry. You don't have one anymore. Bummer.
Veronica: Man, when I look at the two of you, all I see are a couple of Petri dishes. My advice? Use protection, lots and lots of protection.
Rico: Hey, there. You have an STD. Classic. You are one major minor, you know that? Want me to slip a little whiskey in that cola of yours?
[Mac tests the drink and dumps it]
Tim: That's it, Bonnie. I've had enough! I've known about all of them. I've known about every knuckle-dragging frat boy you've given a free ride, but guess what. I wasn't sitting back and taking it. Not at all! For every guy you were with, I was with someone new myself. Did you think I didn't know? I know everything!
Bonnie: Looks like I'm single.
Landry: Don't go. I've got crème brûlée arriving any second.
Mindy: You know, maybe someday we'll have sex and you won't be stoned. I swear I'm having an affair with Annie Hall.
Mercer: Unicorns? Really? Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. Good. We're on the same page. It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone...because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I...have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns and your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. I mean, that's hardly a crime.
Mercer: Aah! That's my face, you bitch! Oh, come back here, Veronica. Let's fix that hair of yours.
Beefy Resident: What happened to your leg, man?
Mercer: Pet cougar, all right? Look, show's over, people, okay?
Keith: Your ride back to Neptune is here, boys. I suggest you don't give me any more reason to shoot you.