3.08 "Lord of the Pi's"

Aired Nov 21, 2000


Hearst campus: The quad is pretty and green, with students walking around to and from classes. Two boys are playing Frisbee, and when one boy, Ted, motions the other to go long, the second boy, Bob, trips while trying to catch the Frisbee. Bob starts laughing as he realizes that Chip, lying face-down in the grass with his head shaved, wearing only his underwear, is who he's tripped over. Bob calls Ted over, and Ted takes some pictures using his cell phone.

Heart Newspaper Office: The new editor of the Hearst Free Press, Wilson Behan, is talking to Veronica, telling her that he doesn't care about her baggage with Nish, only with the fact that she takes good photos, and then he asks if she's free to cover the reception for the Board of Trustees before they vote on whether or not to keep the Greek system at Hearst. He informs her that they want pictures of the most famous board member, Selma Hearst Rose, granddaughter of the school's founder, who holds the swing vote. Veronica mentions a poster that her mother had of Selma dropping her trust fund money over a Los Angeles ghetto in '73. They're interrupted by Ted and Bob, who come in asking if the paper pays for photos, then showing the pictures Ted took. Veronica takes the picture and looks at it with a horrified expression on her face.

Mars' apartment: Veronica calls to Keith that she's leaving to go take pictures at the Board of Trustees' reception party. Keith reminds her to return Logan's calls. She opens the door and is met by Logan. They greet each other, and Logan says they need to have a serious talk. Veronica says she doesn't have time to talk. Logan goes ahead anyway and tells her to stay away from the rape case since it's clear that the rapist knows who she is. Veronica drops her voice and warns him that Keith doesn't know about the hair, just about her being drugged. Logan repeats that he doesn't want her to continue investigating the rape case. Veronica takes offence at being told what to do, and they begin to argue. It escalates, with Logan yelling he doesn't care if she's pissed off at him, he just cares for her, and she isn't invincible or always right. Keith intervenes, and Logan storms out. Veronica reassures Keith that Logan is just worried about her and that the Hearst rapist has everyone on edge. Keith tells her that he's just a phone call away. They hug, and she leaves.

Hearst: The dean and Selma are discussing the vote as Veronica approaches them and asks to take a picture. Later, the dean takes the microphone to introduce Selma, commenting on Hearst's illustrious board and Hearst-Mart's corporate policies, but when Selma is supposed to take the podium, she isn't in the room.

Hearst: The dean talks to Lamb and tells him that he suspects foul play in Selma's disappearance. Lamb expresses his doubt that it's foul play and speculates that Selma's just another spoilt rich lady who's gone off somewhere on a whim. Tired of Lamb's flippant attitude, the dean excuses himself and approaches Veronica. He tells her he wants to talk to Keith.

Hearst campus: Striding through the dark, foggy, and deserted campus, Veronica calls Keith on her cell phone and tells him that Dean O'Dell is coming to visit. She ends the call when she sees a figure in the shadows. Veronica nervously digs out the taser in her bag. Clutching the taser tightly, she breaks into a run across the courtyard.

Mars' apartment: The dean tells Keith and Veronica that he's known Selma for over 20 years, and she wouldn't miss the opportunity of having an audience unless she was dragged away. The dean calls Lamb an idiot and says he's met smarter sandwiches. Keith and Veronica both smirk at the comment. The dean says that Hearst has had rapes, riots, and now abductions, so he needs Keith to find Selma.

Opening Credits – a long time ago...

Mars' apartment: The dean says that one of the board members remembers seeing Selma talking to a waitress just before she disappeared. Keith assures the dean that he'll start investigating and shows the dean out. Keith then instructs Veronica to talk to the caterer and waitress tomorrow whilst he talks to the family.

Hearst: The catering staff is setting up the banquet room as Veronica talks to Linda the caterer, informing her that Selma was seen talking to a waitress just before disappearing. Linda tells Veronica that only one woman was working the previous night.

Hearst: Veronica is waiting in a hallway when Fern comes out of a room, and Veronica joins her, commenting on the feminist-themed book she's carrying. Then she jumps right into the purpose of the conversation: asking Fern why she was talking to Selma at the reception. Fern replies that she was letting Selma know about a phone call — the phone in the kitchen was ringing off the hook, so Fern answered and gave the message to Selma but didn't bother asking who was calling. Veronica points out that, since Fern is one of the driving forces in getting the Greeks kicked off campus, it's suspicious that she was the last one seen talking to Selma, the trustee with the swing vote. Fern retorts that it's equally funny that Veronica, who helped save the Pi Sigs, is the one trying to track down that swing vote. When Veronica denies helping the Pi Sigs, saying instead that she was merely looking for the truth, Fern informs her that the Pi Sigs just kicked off SexQuest '06.

Roses' house: Keith rings the doorbell of an opulent house, and a maid answers. He looks at a wall of framed certificates and photos until Brant, Budd Rose's personal assistant, greets him, telling him that Mr. Rose won't be able to see him. Keith insists that Mr. Rose is expecting him and will want to see him, as he's been hired to find Mrs. Rose, but Brant insists that Mr. Rose isn't available. From offscreen, Budd tells Brant to stop harassing Keith, and they enter the room. Budd, who is in a wheelchair, apologizes for Brant's behavior, and then asks if Keith has any news about Selma. Keith says no, and then tells Budd that it's being treated as a missing person's case, since there has been no ransom note, and then asks if there have been any business problems lately. Budd says that she is always fighting the Board but that he doesn't know much about the business anymore, and Selma's brother Roger is flying in to take care of the company in her absence. Keith and Brant walk out to Keith's car, and Keith hears some dogs barking, noticing two Pomeranians in the doorway of a guesthouse on the grounds. They reach a car, and Keith asks if it belongs to Brant, but Brant bitterly says that it belongs to Selma's overpaid female dog walker.

Sheriff's department: Deputy Sacks enters Lamb's office, smiling he tells Lamb that Martina Vasquez is on the phone, wanting to ask him about Selma's disappearance. Lamb immediately sits up and confirms that it's the hottie from Channel 9. He tells Sacks to put the call through and simultaneously gets on the Channel 9 website and searches for Martina's profile. Lamb then picks up the phone and in the friendliest voice asks Martina what he can do for her. With the intent of impressing her, he awkwardly lies that he's read her latest piece on the morning-after pill. On the other side of the conversation, Veronica is revealed sitting in her room. She seductively says in a Spanish accent that she's glad he enjoyed the piece and asks if he knows who called Selma just before she disappeared. Lamb answers that they've checked the phone records but found no incoming calls that night and offers to keep Martina in the loop. Lamb suddenly hears a click on the line and a male voice: it's Keith's. Veronica whispers in her normal voice that she's on the phone. Lamb's face turns black as he realises he's been played, and he slams the phone down.

Hearst cafeteria: Veronica approaches Dick, who's eating a hamburger. She asks him why the Pi Sigs are doing their SexQuest again when there's a serial rapist on the loose. Dick proudly says that she doesn't have to worry about him because he's getting his points from doing Bonnie Capistrano. Veronica gives him a disgusted look and brings up Chip getting his head shaved as retribution or warning for the SexQuest. Dick excitedly tells Veronica that not only did Chip get his head shaved, he also had an plastic easter egg, with a Roman numeral in it, shoved up his "where-the-sun-doesn't-shine" place. Veronica, looking a little shocked, quips that it's the worst Easter hunt ever. She then asks what the Roman number was. Dick shrugs and says he doesn't know and thinks that Chip probably just threw it away. Veronica asks Dick when their garbage gets collected. It's his turn to give her a disgusted look. He tells her that it's collected Friday mornings, but Morty the homeless dude comes on Thursdays to pick through it.

Hearst campus: Veronica is waiting for Fern in the hallway again, smiling smugly as she informs Fern that there was no incoming call the night of the reception. Fern suggests that maybe the call came from another extension in the building, and the look on Veronica's face indicates that that's a possibility she hadn't considered before. Fern starts to walk away, but Veronica cuts her off, asking if she kisses frat boys before sticking Easter eggs in their "out" doors. Fern doesn't seem to get what Veronica's talking about and leaves.

Pi Sigma Frat house: A homeless man is digging in a dumpster when Veronica and Dick arrive, and Dick knocks on the side. He introduces Veronica to Morty, and she offers him twenty dollars to do her a strange favor. While Dick and Veronica are waiting, Bonnie comes out of the Pi Sigs' house, and Dick gets mad, telling her that she just cut her point value in half. As Veronica mocks Dick, Morty holds up the Easter egg, and Veronica holds out a plastic bag for him to drop the incredible, inedible egg into.

Roses' house: Selma's brother Roger tells Keith dismissively that Selma's probably off having a facial. Roger says that the Hearst-Mart stocks have been skyrocketing every day that Selma's missing because the market assumes that Hearst-Mart will continue selling merchandise manufactured in Asia instead of only selling American-made products, which was what Selma had planned to do. Roger speculates that Selma was just getting away from Budd, who's gotten clingy after the accident. He says that Selma is considering a divorce, and at this point, she cares more for her dogs than her husband and probably left everything to them in her will. Keith considers the information he's gathered.

Hearst cafeteria: Wallace, slightly sceptical, reiterates to Veronica what she's just told him happened to Chip. She confirms that it's true and says that Travel Scrabble tiles "CXI" and "CMIII" were glued inside the Easter egg. She informs him that the Roman numerals stand for "111" and "903", and since he's her numbers guy, tells him to tell her what the numbers mean. Veronica brainstorms that it could be a phone number, locker number, driver's-licence… but Wallace's mind is still thinking about the egg's placement. Veronica snaps him out of those thoughts, and he offers that it could be a student ID number. This was something she hadn't thought of, so she quickly pulls out her student card to compare. Disappointingly, she says it's too many digits, but then something on her card gives Veronica an idea. She writes down "11/19/03." Wallace says that the date is 3 years and 2 days ago.

Hearst library: As Veronica flips through a book of back issues of the Free Press, her voiceover informs us that the library is always open to the help desk girl. She begins reading an article with the headline, "Theta Beta pledge falls off house roof," but is distracted by movement and looks around the dark library before going on to read that Patrice Pitrelli fell off the sorority house roof. She's startled again and runs down the stairs, hiding under a desk as a pair of feet stop in front of her. It's only a janitor mopping the floor, and she sighs in relief.

Mars' apartment: Keith is reading the paper when Veronica stumbles sleepily into the kitchen and pours herself a cup of coffee. He tells her that he's run the plates on the Roses' dog walker and she asks if he wants her to check him out. She looks at the paper with the dog walker's name on it, and, seeing that it's Hallie Piatt, smiles smugly.

Hearst campus: Veronica approaches Hallie, who is sunbathing on campus in a bikini. Veronica lies down beside her, asking if Hallie is worried about her missing boss, even though Selma is the one with the power to kick the sorority girls off campus. After Veronica makes fun of her job, Hallie finally picks up on Veronica's insinuations that she had something to do with Selma's disappearance. She laughs it off, saying that Veronica should be more concerned with Brant, who has a creepy obsession with Budd and who reacted angrily when asked to help plan the Roses' tenth anniversary party. Veronica then asks about Patrice, and Hallie gets defensive, saying that any accusations about someone doing something to Patrice are lies — that she just had one too many hard lemonades and fell off the roof, but she didn't die. In her parting shot, Hallie tells Veronica that the sorority had a car wash and raised enough money to pay for another round of chemo for Karen, their den mother.

Mars Investigations: Veronica walks into the office and tells Keith that she's dripping with information, and Keith replies that so is he. Keith goes first and says that Roger was halting Selma's "Buy American" plan, which means that Hearst-Mart will save millions of dollars, but it's the sort of business practice that Selma was fighting against. Veronica tells Keith what she learnt from Hallie, that Brant is infatuated with Mr. Rose and how he chucked a fit when asked to help with the Roses' 10-year anniversary party. This information makes Keith realise the motive for Selma's disappearance. He prompts Veronica for the term "dine ‘n' ditch", used in the P.I. biz for a 10th year anniversary. She immediately realises what Keith means — after 10 years of marriage the spouse is entitled to half their partner's assets, anything less than 10 years, the partner doesn't have to pay that much. Veronica ask if he thinks Buddy killed Selma off. Keith says that that was one possibility but that Brant said Selma's dogs are the children she never had, and he's got a hunch that if Buddy is trying to keep Selma hidden until their 10th anniversary, she'd be quieter if she had her dogs around.

Roses' house: Keith gives Veronica a leg boost as she climbs over the wall by the gate of the property. She jokes that this was exactly like the time they went to Disneyland. Veronica jumps down on the other side and ceremoniously gets the gates to open for Keith to enter. They walk to the guesthouse, and the dogs bark excitedly as Keith opens the door with a skeleton key.

Roses' guesthouse: Veronica and Keith cautiously walk in, and to their surprise, find Selma sitting on the couch watching TV. Keith tells Selma that the dean hired him to find her. Selma regards with affection the trouble the dean went through to find her, and asks Keith to tell him she's safe. Keith asks her how she wound up missing in her own guesthouse. She says she'll tell them the story if they find away to tell the dean she's safe without giving her up. She then dryly explains that her husband found out about her lover and blackmailed her to "disappear" until after their 10th anniversary, which is two days away. Keith asks why Budd wanted her to disappear instead of just make her sign the divorce paper after their 10-year anniversary. Selma says she doesn't know why. Keith then realises the answer to his own question and explains that with Selma missing, her brother Roger could kill her "Buy American" plan and lock Hearst-Mart into contracts with Asian manufacturers. This has caused Hearst-Mart stocks to go through the roof, putting Budd millions better off from a 50-50 split. Veronica calls Budd a bastard, and Selma agrees, saying that after his accident, he felt he had something to prove and did it by having sex with as many women as possible. Keith asks why Selma can't just hire a lawyer to get her a divorce less expensively than a 50-50 split. She says she's been a national walking punch line and had spent the rest of her life trying to earn back a certain measure of respect, a position with which Keith is familiar. Selma then shows them the blackmail photos of her in the arms of Hallie. Veronica is shocked by the revelation. Selma reveals that Hallie had called her out of the party and told her that she didn't love her. Hallie said she only seduced Selma for Budd and that they were going to run away and live off the divorce settlement money. Keith says he's got a plan to fix her problem. He asks Selma for the earnings she had on the night she went missing and also asks if she has access to Budd's email account.

Hearst cafeteria: Veronica and Wallace are sitting in the cafeteria discussing the "kidnapping" when Chip enters, and a group of guys begin singing "Here Comes Peter Cottontail." Chip throws his tray at them and launches himself at one of the guys, knocking his chair over and into a girl who's walking past. Wallace helps the girl up and gets her out of the way, and then tries to break up the fight, getting punched in the face in the process. Veronica pulls out her tazer and zaps the guy who hit Wallace, and another guy is threatening her, but a burly man pulls her out of the way, carrying her out of the room and telling her that he's there to help. When he puts her down, she asks what's going on, and the man tells her that Logan hired him to keep an eye on her. Veronica is not impressed.

Sheriff's department: Sacks tells Lamb that a guy has come in claiming he saw Selma arguing with a female Hearst student the night she disappeared. The guy is revealed to be Morty, who points to a picture in the Hearst yearbook and says he's found the student.

Neptune: Lamb pulls Hallie over. She cheerfully asks if she was speeding, but her cheerfulness fades as Lamb shows her a search warrant and ask her to step out of the vehicle.

Logan's hotel room: Veronica marches into the room and angrily tells Logan that she's spent the last few days being terrified that the rapist was following her. Logan responds that he had the same fear, which is why he asked her to stop investigating the rapes and putting herself in danger. But she had told him to piss off which was why he had to resort to hiring the bodyguard. She says with restrained anger that he had no right to do it. Logan says that it's probably true, but he doesn't care. Veronica repeats that back to him in disbelief. Logan says he doesn't care if it was right or fair, or if she's angry, all he cared about was that she was safe. Veronica snaps back that it doesn't work that way. He knows who she is, what she does, and she's not going to change. If he doesn't accept it, then their relationship isn't going to work. Logan retorts that she knows who he is, yet she's constantly expecting him to change. He sourly notes that at this moment, even though she's thinking he has a valid point, she still thinks that she's ultimately right. Veronica stands there, eyes watering, staring into space. Logan, playing his last card, says that he loves her. He says it again. Veronica doesn't respond and just looks away. Logan asks uncertainly if she loves him. Veronica takes a moment and responds with a less than enthusiastic affirmative. Logan moves closer to her and asks if they can try and go easy on each other. Veronica lets out a sigh and, without looking up at him, says that it's a good idea. He puts his arms around her and asks if they're okay. She responds that they are.

Roses' House: The doorbell rings, and Brant answers the door to find Lamb standing there with a search warrant. Budd comes to the door, asking if they've found Selma, but Lamb tells them that they found one of her earrings in Hallie's car and love letters from Budd on her laptop, and that Hallie told them to look in the guesthouse.

Sheriff's department: Lamb paces and says that with a young girlfriend and older rich wife, he's surprised he's not investigating a murder. Budd ignores Lamb's interrogation attempts and says he's not saying anything without his lawyer. Sacks ducks into the room and says Mrs. Rose wants to speak to her husband. Lamb and Sack leave Budd and Selma alone. Selma asks if her brother was in on the blackmail plan. Budd says no. Selma drops divorce papers in front of Budd, and she smiles and says that they're an early anniversary present, unless he wants to go to prison.

Hearst: The dean pays Keith for his investigation of Selma's disappearance, joking that he's surprised he didn't get a discount as a repeat customer. Selma enters, and both men greet her. The dean asks her about the fate of the Greek system. Selma says screw ‘em, she's voting to remove them from Hearst, and leaves to vote.

Hearst: Hallie walks by Veronica waiting for the elevator, then turns back, telling Veronica that she loves Budd, even though it may appear that she's a gold-digger. Veronica asks if Hallie is so in love that she could overlook his money, age, and disability, and Hallie retorts that Budd is more of a man than Veronica could handle. Veronica asks Hallie once more for the truth about Patrice, and Hallie walks away, saying that Veronica should ask Patrice's best friend, Claire.

Claire's apartment: Veronica knocks on a door, and when Claire answers, Veronica asks what Chip had to do with Patrice falling off the roof of the house. Claire invites her in, and Claire, Nish, and Fern tell her that Patrice didn't fall off the roof; she walked off. They tell Veronica about the secret room with the two-way mirror — that when the girls were pledging, a rush officer would make them undress and then point out areas that "needed work," circling them with a permanent marker. Patrice was circled all over, and when someone turned on the lights, the Pi Sigs were watching and laughing at her. Chip started calling her "Marshmallow," and the sorority sisters insisted that she tan on the roof with them to improve herself. One day, Patrice walked onto the roof, but instead of lying down to tan, she kept walking, right off the edge, and after being in the hospital for a few months, ended up in a mental health facility. Fern asks Veronica if she believes them, and Veronica says that yes, she does, and that it seems like powerful motivation for them to fake a rape — or a series of rapes. She asks how many were real, aside from Chip's, stating that no forensic evidence was found. Nish claims that the Greeks would be gone if Veronica hadn't helped them out, but Veronica tells them that they're hurting the feminist cause by faking rapes, and then leaves.

Hearst cafeteria: Veronica walks from the food counter, and her cell phone rings. She checks the caller ID, and it's Logan. After some deliberation, she ignores the call and sits down at one of the tables. She doesn't see Logan, standing at the other side of the food court, watching her ignore his call. Logan stands there looking devastated.

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