3.05 "President Evil"
Aired Oct 31, 2006
Claire: You're that girl, the girl who made a scene in the quad. You cleared the Pi Sigs.
Veronica: Yeah, that's me.
Claire: So, what's this to you, anyway?
Veronica: Crimes against women? It's a hobby.
Veronica: Eli Navarro has been in and out of juvenile detention since he was thirteen years old. By the time he turned sixteen, he was the leader of the Pacific Coast Highway Bike Club. By his count, he's spent more than seven hundred days in juvenile detention facilities. He's currently on parole after assaulting the PCH gang leader who replaced him.
Timothy: Veronica, this was an oral presentation, not show and tell.
Veronica: Dr. Landry said we were allowed audiovisual aids. He's both. Audio—
Veronica: And visual.
Timothy: Fine, I'll let it slide.
Weevil: Hey, word to the wise. You got a boyfriend? Use the short leash.
Veronica: As hard as this may be to believe, the women of Hearst aren't close to the top of my worries about Logan.
Weevil: Wait, wait, wait. What? You're dating Logan again? After the way he treated Lilly?
Veronica: This is news? Man, the prison grapevine blows.
Professor Winkler: How best to describe the results of your retest? Disheartening would be a start. An indictment of the U.S. public school system might get closer to the point.
Dean O'Dell: Veronica, have you met my wife?
Veronica: No. Has your wife met the hot chick?
Mindy: I believe there's a compliment in there somewhere.
Veronica: Do you see why he's the college dean most frequently burned in effigy?
Lamb: Well, well, what do we have here? An illegal gambling establishment. Underage drinking. Public displays of affection. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah in here.
Harrison: The casino's run by this student here. Now, we've asked him to shut it down, but he says—
Lamb: Good work, J.V. Varsity's taking the field now. We've got it from here.
Logan: You know, with Scotland Yard on the case, you're sure to have that necklace back in no time.
Mason: You posing for the brochure? "The dedicated students are the very picture of diligence as they strive to meet Hearst's rigorous academic standards."
Wallace: You're enjoying yourself. That's great. I'm happy for you.
Mason: What's your problem?
Wallace: Nothing, just that I'm officially failing mechanical engineering, which wouldn't be a problem except I want to be a mechanical engineer. I've always wanted to be a mechanical engineer, and I've never failed anything.
Mason: You need to chill.
Wallace: I do? Thanks. Good to know.
Veronica: Hope you don't mind. One of the cockroaches let me in.
Weevil: Don't you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Veronica: Oh, you don't, huh? Let me spell it out. I tell you about a working on-campus casino. Six hours later, it's held up by a guy your size wearing a mask, who happens to be covered in a thin film of drywall dust and the stench of Drakkar cologne.
Weevil: My cologne stinks? So, all this play I've been getting is from pure sex appeal?
Weevil: I can't believe you think I'd do that…to you. After all we've been through.
Veronica: After all we've been through, can you really blame me?
Keith: Clifford, you ready?
Cliff: Race fans, hot-rodders, the monster trucks are coming to Neptune, Neptune, Neptune!
Keith: That's great, Cliff, but just remember—
Cliff: Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Lamb: Hey, what do you say we do your Miranda Rights in harmony this time? I'll take lead. You take tenor?
Logan: Is it still called déjà vu when something happens more than twice, or is that something different? I'll have to look that up.
Lamb: Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later.
Lamb: Sacks tells me you're here to see Weevil. Planning on helping him beat another rap?
Veronica: Actually, I'm here to get my necklace back.
Lamb: I don't understand. You actually believe that the bad guy did it? Does not compute.
Deputy: Hey, sheriff's doing the robot again.
Lamb: Does not compute.
Deputy: I'll get my camera phone.
Veronica: You must have been fun in the '80s.
Veronica: Be it ever so humble.
Weevil: Yeah. I'm thinking of some curtains over here, maybe a koi pond in the corner.
Veronica: So, when I look into this, and I will look into this, I'm gonna find out you didn't order that pizza?
Weevil: Or you could just save yourself the trouble and take my word for it.
Veronica: That was good. Well done.
Veronica Voiceover: Thanks to my one-man fan club, I now know precisely which computer the pizza order was placed from, a public Hearst College computer hub just forty feet away from where Weevil was dry-walling, so he stays in the mix. Then again, so do hundreds of people who pass through here every day. Hello, square one. Nice to see you again.
Veronica: Hi. Any idea how this gum got from your mouth to that chair?
Bratty Little Girl: I thought this was supposed to be a good school. Shouldn't you be, like, smart?
Cliff: So, speaking of down and dirty, you wouldn't believe the divorce case I've got. Lady stole from her husband, repeatedly, stole from his children, had his dog put to sleep, and let the record show the dog was quite surprised by this decision. The woman slept with...everyone.
Keith: And let me guess. She's your client.
Keith: Can I help you fellas with something?
Lamb: This is Detective Sanchez with the LAPD.
Sanchez: Sir, is, uh, this your card?
Lamb: You presented yourself as an Adrian Monk, a Los Angeles County Building Inspector? And I believe that's your cell phone number written on it?
Sanchez: Sir, the apartment complex manager that you handed that to says you ordered him to let you into the apartment of a one Steven Batando.
Keith: Ordered? Asked politely, maybe.
Cliff: Excuse me, officers, but if I don't bring up the law, then this won't be considered a billable hour. Do you plan on charging my client? ...Great. If you'd like to talk with him further, call my office. I'll set an appointment. My card.
Lamb: I know your number. It's all over the bus benches. "Call Cliff and get off."
Cliff: Plus, it's a radio jingle. "Call 555-12-" Well, you know the rest.
Jenny: We're the theatre department. We don't do guns.
Orgon: We do Molière. You want a poor man's Tarantino, that would be the film department. If you see them, tell them we just loved their little opening night present.
Veronica: Which is?
Jenny: Our stage is covered in Pam.
Veronica: Who's Pam?
Orgon: Pam is a cooking spray. We can't walk out there without falling on our asses. We had the temerity to schedule our opening night on the same weekend as their short film festival.
Veronica: Maybe this is their way of saying break a leg.
Veronica: Thank you! Good night! Here all week. Try the veal. And, scene.
Harrison: Who are you?
Veronica: Come on, you remember me. I'm the girl whose necklace you stole. It's got sentimental value. I want it back.
Harrison: I see. I'll take two boxes of the Thin Mints and some Lemon Coolers.
Veronica: You can keep all the gambling money, everything else. I don't care. Just give me my necklace back, and-and we'll be cool.
Harrison: Wow, that's some hard-core salesmanship. You're good. Uh, tell you what. Throw in a box of the shortbread.
Veronica: D'you theenk I meessed anyting?
Harrison: Well, one thing. Proof.
Veronica: Not quite true. Look what I have.
Harrison: Prints? The witnesses said the hold-up men wore gloves.
Veronica: Yeah, but you wouldn't believe how much hair is inside these masks. It's kind of gross, actually. It's like a sack of DNA. So, I'll trade you. This bag for my necklace.
Harrison: I'll need a day to get your necklace back.
Veronica: Yeah, that's not gonna do it.
[Sound of sirens]
Harrison: What did you do?
Veronica: Say hallo to my leettle friend.