3.01 "Welcome Wagon"

Aired Oct 03, 2006


  • Veronica Voiceover: Here it is, first day of college. What do you say, Veronica? New school, fresh start — how about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?

  • Professor Landry: I've been asked to plug the Criminology department's mentoring program. We work with at-risk kids here in Neptune. Our philosophy is that it's better to prevent crimes through intervention than be forced to solve them later.

  • Veronica: You a bounty hunter, boy?

    Logan: I really shouldn't have pushed for the Clint Eastwood marathon. Now I've ruined you. I didn't think it was possible to make you more butch. Stupid, stupid Logan.

  • Logan: Guess who I saw on campus today?

    Veronica: Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.

  • Keith: Vinnie. What brings you to the good part of the wrong side of the tracks?

  • Veronica: You'll never believe it: a maid from our hotel in New York found the flash card with all our vacation pictures on it. Look.

    Keith: Hot dog.

    Veronica: "Hot dog"?

    Keith: It's an expression of excitement and enthusiasm. Joe and Frank Hardy and I used to say "hot dog" all the time while we were waiting for the car hop to bring us our malteds at the drive-in.

    Veronica: Drive-in?

    Keith: I hate you.

    Veronica: You love me.

    Keith: Yeah, but it's all instinct.

  • Keith: Veronica, there are a few things in life to which you'll have to defer to my age and experience. And that, sweet child of mine, is the Chrysler building.

    Veronica: Hm. Senility...that comes with age too, right?

    Keith: Uh...can't remember.

  • Keith: How was your first day? How does it feel being a college student?

    Veronica: Ooh, it's exhausting. I had one whole class today.

    Keith: You make any friends?

    Veronica: Lord, no.

    Keith: Enemies?

    Veronica: Eh.

    Keith: Yeah, well. It is a day that ends in a "Y".

  • Keith: So, you remember I'm going to be gone a few days? That bail jumper I've been tracking.

    Veronica: I'll hold down the fort.

    Keith: Yeah, yeah...I'm afraid I put Backup in charge while I'm away. And he's been instructed to maul your boyfriend if he's here past midnight, too.

    Veronica: Backup's in charge? What about the bitch he's been seeing?

    Backup: Arf!

  • Piz: Sorry, there must be some mistake. On my roommate request form, I specifically said I didn't want a roommate who was...uh, you know...

    Wallace: What?

    Piz: Better looking than me. I made it very clear.

    Wallace: Sorry, man. Fairest of them all, right here.

  • Wallace: Took this side. I hope that's cool.

    Piz: Yeah, no sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors, I hope that's cool.

    Wallace: That's not cool at all.

  • Veronica: Doesn't look like they jimmied their way in.

    Piz: It wasn't locked.

    Veronica: College campus. All your worldly possessions. Where are you from, Brigadoon?

    Piz: Portland. Or, well, just outside of Portland, this little suburb called Beaverton. Real salt of the Earth people, you know, minivan in every driveway, chicken in every pot.

    Veronica: Where they never ask rhetorical questions?

  • Wallace: This is how you know you've gone from high school to college: the graffiti goes high-brow. "Wash me" was so 2005.

  • Moe: All your stuff? Frak. That blows.

    Veronica: Qu'est-ce que c'est? "Frak"?

    Moe: No Battlestar Galactica fans in the mix, I see? "Frak" is the profanity of the future. I'm trying not to swear.

    Veronica: That's very enlightened of you, Moe. So, what the frak is with this Hearst Welcome Wagon Committee?

    Moe: Well, first off, there's no such thing. So there's that.

  • Mac: Irony of all ironies? Frozen from the waist down's new roommate? She's a one-woman red light district.

    Veronica: Really.

    Mac: Every night since orientation she's been with some new dude. The phone rings every ten minutes. If college is a boy buffet, she's got two full plates and a purse full of boys wrapped in napkins.

  • Veronica: Hi, Dad. Nope, he's heading home right now, as a matter of fact.

    Keith: All right, honey. Give Logan my regards as you're shaking his hand good night, and I'll be sure to call unexpectedly again.

  • Piz: A Saturn for a Mars.

    Veronica: In Neptune! Yeah, the planets really aligned for this one. Now, move Uranus, the mercury's rising.

  • Veronica: Ohhh. Yours or Mac's?

    Parker: Colin? Oh, he's all mine. He should really love me, don't you think?

    Veronica: Depends. Have you had your shots?

  • Mac: Hey, I know that guy.

    Veronica: Our muscle. Short notice.

  • Veronica: So gang, are we ready to rock?

    Mac: No.

    Wallace: Not particularly.

    Veronica: That's the spirit!

    Parker: Woo hoo!

  • Piz: She seems nice.

  • Veronica: Anything you remember about the two dudes or the van?

    Boy #1: They were black dudes.

    Wallace: 'Course they were.

    Boy #2: And the van didn't have any windows. It was white. I think.

    Veronica: That all?

    Boy #1: That's a lot. Where's our reward?

    Veronica: You didn't see squat. Motor, munchkins.

    Boy #2: I told you, man. Bogus.

    Boy #1: There was a chick there. A white chick.

    Veronica: 'Course there was.

  • Mac: Parker's out somewhere with the Unwashed. I'll tell her the Needs Hosed Down dropped by.

  • Veronica: You guys are pathetic.

    Wallace: It's a white man's sport.

    Veronica: Right, 'cause I was talking about the hacky sac.

  • Veronica: It's not often you get to see bikini babes in their natural habitat. Such gentle, yet elusive creatures. ...Okay, you two have fun being gross, I'll just...continue trying to find your stuff, on my own, with no help.

    Piz: That's why you make the big money.

  • Veronica: Boom goes the dynamite.

  • Veronica: I've figured out the knocking thing. You could've waited in your room.

    Mac: Parker's in there with some guy.

    Veronica: Well, let's head out. The midnight movie waits for no man.

    Mac: Our tickets are in there, stuck in the mirror. Above her suggestion box and tip jar.

    Veronica: Well, frak.

  • Mac: You worked in a coffee shop. How do you not know that an Irish Coffee has whiskey in it?

    Veronica: At Java the Hut, it meant a latté with a little shot of Irish Cream syrup.

    Mac: That explains the first one you ordered.

    Veronica: They were magically delicious. And they served me! Boo-yeah!


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