3.01 "Welcome Wagon"

Aired Oct 03, 2006


Hearst campus: Veronica walks through campus. There's a banner saying "Against Violence Towards Women — Take Back the Night". Her voiceover says it's the first day of college, and since it's a new school and a fresh start, she proposes trying not to piss anyone off this time around.

Hearst Lecture: Dr Hank Landry, professor of Intro to Criminology, welcomes his students to college and tells them that it's okay to skip class, just not his. He invites them to volunteer for the Criminology Department's mentoring program, which works with "at risk" kids in Neptune. Those interested can sign up for it with the teaching assistant (TA), Tim Foyle. He then begins the class with a game: Murder on the Riverboat Queen. He explains that those who get an envelope from Tim are passengers and witnesses on the riverboat. These envelopes contain information about what they saw. But for the murderer, it will contain their cover story. Those without an envelope are Pinkertons, brought onboard to solve the case. They can question anyone with an envelope. He adds that Tim holds the current record of 16 minutes for solving the mystery. Everyone starts mingling to try to solve the mystery, except for Veronica, who starts typing on her computer. Time passes by. The class is still in deep discussions, but Veronica is relaxing and reading a photography magazine. Tim approaches her and says that the professor expects everyone to participate and condescendingly asks if she's in the wrong class. He suggests that she can maybe change to Elementary Education, where they read magazines and cut them up to make collages. Veronica smiles and quips back that she knows who the murderer is. Tim is stunned and tells Landry that Veronica thinks she knows who did it without having gotten out of her seat. So Landry asks Veronica who she's going to send to prison for the rest of his natural-born days. Veronica looks at Tim, who is looking uneasy, and puts forward Rutherford Styles as her guess. Landry, looking impressed, congratulates Veronica. He stops the class discussions and tells that there is a new record of 6 minutes. He then asks Veronica how she solved it. She explains that "Murder on the Riverboat Queen" was a murder-mystery-in-a-box game and she just ignored all the spoiler tags and read the message boards set up by fans of the game. Tim argues that since the game is set in the 1890s, she can't use the Internet. Veronica asks Landry if that was a rule, and he says it wasn't. Tim then says that there are two possible killers, and implies that Veronica just made a 50-50 guess. She easily explains that she picked Rutherford because Landry's question was gender-specific. She then sarcastically asks Tim what he did for the extra 10 minutes.

Opening Credits

Hearst campus: Logan and Veronica joke about watching the Clint Eastwood marathon, and she escorts him to class. On the way, Logan tells her that he saw Dick on campus, but that Dick ignored him. They talk about Dick getting into Hearst on account of his mom being married to Arnold Schwarzenegger's business manager. Logan says that people are saying that Dick is a mess because of his brother's suicide. Veronica reassures Logan that it wasn't his fault that Cassidy jumped, but Logan dismissively says that nothing is ever his fault.

Mars' apartment: Veronica sorts through the mail, and there's an envelope from a New York hotel.

Mars Investigations: Keith is sitting behind his desk, dismantling and cleaning his gun, when Vinnie Van Lowe appears at the door. Strolling in, Vinnie asks Keith to partner up with him on an embezzlement case. Keith declines, saying that he's busy with a case that is taking him out of town. Vinnie sees the gun on the table, starts babbling, and picks up Keith's briefcase and fiddles with it. Keith, having had enough, snatches the briefcase back and kicks Vinnie out.

Mars residence: Keith enters, and Veronica calls him into her room. She tells him that a maid from their hotel in New York kindly sent them their misplaced flash card with their vacation photos. She shows him the photos on her computer and good-humoredly gives him a hard time about missing the first three days of their vacation. They debate about whether a photo was taken in front of the Empire State or Chrysler building. Keith then asks her about her first day, and they joke about making enemies, not friends. Keith reminds her about his business trip, and they joke aboout how Backup will maul Logan if he stays past midnight.

Wallace's room: Wallace is shooting hoops with a mini-basketball. Piz enters and warmly introduces himself as Wallace's roommate. They joke about Wallace being better-looking and Piz rarely wearing clothes indoors. Wallace then offers to help Piz get all his worldly possessions from his car.

Campus parking lot: Piz opens his car trunk and, to his horror, finds it empty. He says in disbelief that his stuff was there just five minutes ago. Wallace confidently tells Piz that he knows someone who can get it all back.

Wallace's room: Piz paces and expresses his skepticism that a girl their age can help him get his stuff back. Wallace tries to convince Piz by telling him that Veronica has picked up a few things from her PI dad. Unconvinced, Piz says he'll let the Sheriff's department handle it. There's a knock on the door. Piz answers the door, and it's Veronica. She introduces herself, but Piz, trying to act casual, just stands mute at the door. Wallace invites her in. Piz regains his speech and tells Veronica that he'd love her help. Veronica tells him her fees and the form of payments that she accepts. She turns down his offer of guitar lessons as payment.

Campus parking lot: Piz, Veronica, and Wallace walk to his car. Piz tells them that the girl who minded his car and stuff was heavy-set, looked like a student, and was from the "Hearst Welcome Wagon Committee." Veronica checks with Piz the things that he's missing, one of which is a Gretsch Astrojet red top guitar, which Piz calls "the Holy Grail of guitars." Veronica says that the car lock was not jimmied, and Piz tells her that he left it unlocked. She teases him for his naivety. Wallace points out that someone has written "Unwashed" on Piz's dirty car. Veronica suggests they go to Piz's RA.

RA's room: The RA, Moe, explains to Veronica the term "frak" from the TV show Battlestar Galactica. She asks the RA about the "Hearst Welcome Wagon Committee," and he says it doesn't exist.

Prison: Keith pulls up in front of a prison and picks up a recently released Cormac Fitzpatrick. They drive off.

Hearst campus: Veronica wanders into the "Against Violence Towards Women" protest rally. The speaker says she is the third victim of a rapist who shaves his victims' hair off. She calls for the administration of the college to take action and shut down the fraternity houses before somebody else gets raped. Veronica spots Mac in the crowd and approaches her. Mac greets Veronica with an M.R.S. degree joke. Mac tells Veronica that her therapist has given up on trying to get her libido back and points out how ironic it is that she has a roommate who has a new guy over every night. The rally is interrupted by loud music. A guy wearing Union Jack underwear and a balaclava jumps onto the stage and starts dancing to the music with a blown-up sex doll. Mac muses that it's like they never left Neptune High. The guy is wrestled off the stage and is revealed to be Dick...to which Veronica retorts that it's exactly like they never left.

Keith's car: Cormac thanks Keith for hiding Kendall from his brother Liam. Keith says that Liam thinks he is entitled to a bigger cut in Kendall's money from her real estate business with Beaver and that he's looking for both her and Cormac. Cormac says that Liam doesn't know that he's out early. Keith thinks that this will work in their favor. Cormac then says he wants to spend the rest of his life on a beach somewhere with the woman he loves.

Neptune Grand: Sweaty Logan and Veronica in bed, post-fornication. Veronica tells Logan he should go pro. Veronica goes to get water, and her voiceover ponders that she was the girl who laughed at the idiots who tried to take their high school romances to college. The phone rings; it's 12:15 am. Veronica runs out to stop Logan from picking up — her home phone calls are being forwarded to his hotel room. But she's too late, and Logan answers. The caller is Keith. Veronica lies and tells Keith that Logan is heading home. Keith sarcastically tells her to give his regard to Logan as she shakes his hand goodnight and warns that he will call unexpectedly again.

The desert: Cormac asks Keith if Kendall was carrying millions when she left Neptune. Keith says that he saw it but didn't know how much it was. Cormac remarks that Kendall is a good judge of character: she knew who she could and couldn't trust. He compliments Keith for not taking advantage. Keith tells Cormac that he was well compensated and that he spent it buying back Veronica's love.

Sheriff's Department parking lot: Veronica explains to Piz that Keith bought her a car, a Saturn, to compensate for standing her up on her graduation trip. Piz jokes that it's a Saturn for a Mars. This starts off a planetary jokes marathon that of course includes Uranus.

Sheriff's Department: Deputy Sacks tells them that there have been four other "Hearst Welcome Wagon" victims. Veronica convinces Sacks to give her the names of the four victims.

Hearst campus: Veronica talks to two of the victims, and they confirm Piz's description of the "Hearst Welcome Wagon" girl. A flyer on the bulletin board for the band "The Unwashed" catches Veronica's attention.

Hearst dorms: Veronica walks down the hallway until she reaches Mac's door. Mac has a simple white sticker up with her name on. Her roommate has a larger whiteboard, covered in hearts, kisses, and flowers rimmed in pink, which declares her name to be Parker. Veronica laughs to herself before knocking. Parker answers and is excited to meet one of Mac's friends. She's bubbly and goes on about how awesome Mac is. She begins to get undressed in front of Veronica, making Veronica slightly uncomfortable. They admire Parker's Colin Farrell poster on the wall before Mac opens the door and walks in. Parker perkily greets her, and Mac sounds like she's had enough of Parker when she responds. Veronica asks Mac to go and see a band with her, and Mac cheers up until Parker interrupts, saying she'd like to go, too.

Outside the club: Veronica, Mac and Parker walk towards the club when Mac recognizes Wallace waiting for them with Piz. Veronica says the guys are their muscle, and it was short notice. Parker asks if Wallace and Piz are Veronica and Mac's boyfriends, and Mac quickly sets the record straight. Veronica introduces everyone and then asks them if they're ready to rock. She gets a less-than-enthusiastic response and sarcastically says that's the spirit. Parker genuinely cheers with her.

Inside the club: The band plays on stage. Mac's enjoying herself, Veronica looks bored, Piz is busy gazing at Veronica, and Wallace looks slightly disgusted. Parker is enthusiastically dancing with a group of guys. Piz comments that Parker seems nice, and Veronica and Mac shoot him looks. The band finish their set, and Veronica says that's her cue and then leaves. Piz asks Wallace where she's going, but Wallace doesn't know. Veronica goes on stage and makes a public service announcement. She says that her friend had all his stuff stolen from his car at Hearst, and she thinks someone at the gig might have seen something. She says they're offering a $100 reward if they did. She goes back to the table, and three young boys come over to say they saw something. Veronica asks what they were doing at Hearst, and one of them says that the college girls lay out, some topless. Wallace interrupts to ask where it happens, and the boy says South Quad, where the statue is. Veronica tries to ask what they saw again, and Piz interrupts to ask which statue. Veronica asks if he cares more about his Holy Grail guitar or breasts. The young boy continues to say he saw "two dudes" with a van, parked near a car. They were throwing stuff from the car into the moving van in a major hurry. Veronica asks if they remember anything about the guys, or the van. The boy says they were black. Wallace says of course they were. Another boy says the van didn't have any windows and was white. Veronica asks if that's all they saw, and the boy responds it's a lot of information and they want the money. Veronica points out they didn't see anything, and they should leave. One of the boys turns and says there was a white chick there. Veronica comments that of course there was. The boy continues to say that she went with them, and Piz asks if she was blonde and chubby. The boy says he thought she was at first, but when she got in the van, she pulled her sweatshirt off and she had a "pretty smoking bod."

Mac's room: Mac is woken up by Dick knocking on the door, calling for Parker. He says it's the right time of the night for making love, just as Mac answers the door. Mac tells him that Parker is out with The Unwashed, but she'll tell her that the "Needs Hosed Down" dropped by. Dick nastily tells her that Cassidy never cared about her, that she was just his beard. Mac looks devastated as another girl comes out of her room in her pajamas, demanding to know who Dick is. He acts like he's lost, and the girl asks to see his college ID. He says he didn't know they were supposed to have ID and leaves.

Hearst campus: Piz sits waiting on a bench and Veronica walks over to join him, a bag in her hand. She says there are clothes in it for him, from a friend who can't use them anymore. He thanks her, and Veronica tells him that she thinks she found his guitar. It came up on Craigslist the night before.

Neptune: Veronica and Piz go up to the house, and the guy selling the guitar answers. The seller gushes about the guitar and says he picked it up for $500, but it's worth at least $5,000. He says he would be willing to sell it for $4,000. He opens the case, and Piz excitedly says it's his guitar. He tells him to look in the pick tray and gives specifics of what he'll find. The seller does and finds the picks Piz said would be there. Veronica asks him to describe the girl, which he does as blonde and thin, with a pretty smoking bod.

Hearst dorms: Veronica's voiceover explains Donald Fagan, the current possessor of the guitar, offered to sell it back to Piz for the $500 he paid for it. Veronica thinks a better plan would be to make the thief pay for it. She knocks on a door and the junior she interviewed earlier answers. Veronica takes a picture, and walks off, the girl calling after her in annoyance. Veronica stops by Wallace and Piz's room, and a sign declares them to have gone bird watching. Veronica shakes her head.

Hearst campus: Wallace and Piz stand playing hacky sack while admiring the sunbathing college girls. Veronica shows a distracted Piz the picture of the junior she took, but he doesn't think it's the girl that took his stuff. She tells him to add a few extra pounds, and he says he's trying to but still doesn't think it's her. Veronica says she will continue investigating by herself, as Wallace and Piz aren't being helpful. Piz says it's why she makes the big money.

The desert: Keith's car has broken down, and his phone has no signal. Cormac points out there have been no cars for ten minutes. Keith says if they walk back, they'll find a town. Cormac doesn't want to and asks if Keith's spent much time in the desert before. The first time he got busted, the judge gave him the option of two years in the army or two years in prison. He says they did their training in Texas. He points out all the horrible animals in the desert, saying it would be best to wait it out. He's waited for five years; they can wait a few more hours for someone to help them.

Hearst dorms: Veronica shows Donald Fagan the picture of the junior she took the picture of, asking if she's the girl who sold the guitar to him. He says he's 90% sure it is, then says to make it 80%. Veronica spots a book behind him and asks him if he's in her professor's Profiling course. He tells her he was in it last year, and it was tough. Veronica says she has him for Intro to Criminology, and she is thinking about taking the mentoring program. Donald says it's the best thing he ever did as an undergraduate. He points out you can read all about crime in a book, but mentoring puts it into practice. Veronica spots a picture behind him and asks if he can settle a debate for her. Is the building in the picture the Empire State Building, or the Chrysler building? He replies it's actually the Space Needle in Seattle. Veronica says she has to remember not to debate her dad at architecture. She asks him for a glass of water, and as he leaves to get it, she looks intently at the picture of Donald and a large blonde girl in front of the Space Needle.

Hearst Lecture: Veronica's professor finishes his lecture, and Veronica goes over to Tim, the TA, and asks him about the mentoring program. In his office, Tim gives her some files and tells her to take her pick of the girls. They all have juvenile records in shoplifting, fighting, or truancy. Veronica asks if she has to mentor a girl, and he says she does. Just then Mac knocks on the door and tells him the professor wants to see him back in the lecture hall. Veronica says she'll wait. As soon as they leave, she goes through the rest of the files and picks out three — the three boys that gave them information at The Unwashed gig.

The desert: Keith sleeps in the back of his car. Cormac wakes him up to say the tow truck has arrived.

The Mall: Veronica and Logan sit eating food at a diner. Veronica says that Wallace told her Logan was in his sociology class. Logan tells her he didn't know that, and Veronica points out it's probably because he hasn't been to class. Logan agrees it's a possibility. He pulls out a small gift with a large bow on it and says it's a bonus birthday gift. Veronica snarks she's excited he got her a bow until he makes her open it. She turns it upside down and finds a keycard to his room. She makes a joke about the other girls having to leave if she drops by. He tells her to stop it; he only wants her and she should know that. She's silent and smiling until she spots Dick stumbling in. She points him out to Logan, and they both watch as Dick sits down at a table across from a girl. He introduces himself to the girl he's never met and asks if he can move in with her, as he's just been kicked out of on-campus housing. The girl tells him he should leave, but Dick ignores her until her large boyfriend knocks him to the ground and begins punching him. Logan asks for Veronica's bag, gets out her stun gun, and zaps the boyfriend. Dick angrily asks if Logan wants a hug or something before leaving. Piz walks up to Veronica and asks if that kind of thing impresses college girls, because he's a lover, not a fighter. Veronica looks confused until Logan joins her to say he's going to go and talk to Dick. They kiss (with Piz looking on in disappointment), and Logan makes a joke about the shirt Piz is wearing (which was Duncan's) before leaving. Piz says Veronica wanted him to meet her there, and she holds up the picture she stole from Donald's room when he left to get the water. She asks if the blonde in the picture is the Welcome Wagon girl. Piz says it is.

Sheriff's Department: Deputy Sacks looks at the photo. Veronica explains the blonde is the Welcome Wagon girl, and the guy is the ringleader. She shows the files of the three boys from the gig, and tells him they are the three boys he mentored, and they are all thieves.

Neptune: Veronica and Piz sit outside a house. Piz asks why the boys at the club came and talked to them. Veronica explains that it was so they could steer them in the wrong direction, then they repeated the stories to Donald, so the stories would match. Piz points out there aren't many college girls who solve crime like Veronica does. He asks why she does it. She says it's for the money. He asks her why she really does it. Veronica pauses, and Piz says that Wallace told him about Lilly. Veronica looks visibly upset before she says she's good at it and that Wallace should stick to analyzing himself. The gate opens, and Sacks comes out, with Donald following him, protesting his innocence. Donald catches sight of Veronica and Piz, who raise their bottles to him with cheery smiles as Sacks opens the garage door. Piz is happy to see he'll be getting his stuff back, and Veronica is happy she'll be paid. Out of the blue, Piz asks if Logan is her boyfriend. Veronica has an epiphany when she realizes Piz likes her.

The desert: Keith and Cormac pull up outside a house. It's now night. Cormac asks if Keith has ever had a woman who loves him so much, she'd do time for him. Kendall comes running out the house and jumps into Cormac's arms.

Hearst campus: Veronica walks along the hallway and finds Mac sitting miserably outside her room. She explains Parker is in there with a guy. Veronica suggests they head out to their midnight movie. Mac points out their tickets are in the room. Veronica grudgingly goes into the room to retrieve them. The radio is playing in the darkened room, set to the Hearst radio station. Some muffled groans sound as Veronica tells them not to mind her, grabs the tickets, and hurries out the room.

House in the desert: Keith compliments Kendall's cake, as she sits on Cormac's lap feeding him. She tells him they've decided where they are going to run off — it has sand and water. Keith tells them emphatically he doesn't want to know. Keith says he's got Cormac's travel documents in the car and he should go and get them before heading off and giving them some privacy. Cormac jokes that he should hurry, as they might not be able to contain themselves. Keith goes to the car and, while routing through his bag, finds a pen Vinnie dropped in there with a bug. He hopes out loud that Vinnie isn't working for Liam Fitzpatrick. He checks the dashboard and finds that his gun is missing. He runs back towards the house, shouting to Kendall, just as Cormac raises the gun and shoots twice into the area where Kendall had been sitting, presumably killing her. He turns to Keith and raises the gun. Keith turns and runs back, but stumbles to the ground. He gets up and begins limping, and he hides behind a rock. His face is twisted in pain as Cormac shouts out it's a cold night and he'll come back for Keith's carcass in the morning. He says that Kendall wasn't that great a judge of character after all.

Neptune Grand: Logan stands near the balcony, brushing his teeth. There is a knock at the door, and he opens it to find Dick, looking flushed and disheveled. His lip is split, and he looks awful. He tells Logan he doesn't have anywhere else to go. Logan offers to let him stay there. Dick begins to cry, and Logan steps forward, putting his hand on his shoulder. Dick says he's messed up bad. Logan assures him it will be okay and hugs him.

Neptune dorms: Veronica and Mac walk into the building. Mac asks how Veronica could possibly not know that an Irish coffee has whiskey in it after working at Java the Hut. Veronica drunkenly explains that at Java it meant a shot of syrup in a latte. Mac says that explains the first coffee Veronica ordered. Veronica replies that they were magically delicious and is happy they served her, raising her hand for a high five. Mac laughs as she opens the door, telling Veronica she shouldn't drive home. Veronica protests she's fine before agreeing that she shouldn't drive. Mac checks the room, declares it dude-free and offers Veronica the couch. Veronica and Mac sleep soundly until Parker's anguished cry jolts them awake in the morning. They sit up and stare in horror at Parker standing by the mirror crying — her hair all shaved off.

-fickledame, chookie

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