2.20 "Look Who's Stalking"
Aired Apr 25, 2006
Veronica Voiceover: So my Grandma Reynolds was always saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I wish she was still alive because I'd really like to ask what she suggests for when life gives you chlamydia.
Veronica: Please? Get a room. In Australia.
Wallace: Hey, we're practicing for the prom.
Veronica: What debutante bit you and turned you into a prom zombie?
Jackie: We just gave in: the whole nine yards, the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?
Mac: Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.
Veronica: Mac, I didn't think he'd actually—
Mac: He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine. We're having dinner on a replica pirate ship and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm gonna fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle and I'm gonna drop off the top of a mountain.
Clemmons: Attention students. Due to a significant number of alcohol violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled.
Clemmons: That is all.
Mac: Yes! Prayer works!
Woody: I swear it's not what it looks like. ...Okay, it is what it looks like.
Gia: Have you ever been stalked?
Veronica: As a matter of fact...
Gia: Because someone's stalking me. I was hoping you might have some tips or something.
Veronica: Dancing around in your underwear with the curtains open is always good. And if you're in chat rooms, and they suggest meeting face to face, do it in an abandoned railroad car down by the river side.
Gia: No! No, no, I mean for catching the guy. I keep seeing this car following me around.
Veronica: Can you describe it?
Gia: It's totally nondescript. I mean, that's what's so unique about it.
Veronica: Um, okay.
Veronica: Any reason anyone would want to follow you around?
Gia: Well, last week, at karaoke, I did "Can't Get You Out of My Head" and I dedicated it to this table of cute guys, but then I realised they weren't cute. They were dweeb Pan High guys and not the nice nerd kind but the weird, creepy...
Veronica: Potential stalker kind?
Veronica: Mrs. C! I trust you're well.
Kendall: Well, if it isn't little Miss Teen Getaway. Your dad and I were just dealing with a little trouble.
Veronica: Like Trouble, with a capital T, that rhymes with C, that stands for—
Veronica: I was gonna say cute.
Veronica: Can I borrow the remote cameras tonight?
Keith: What for?
Veronica: For...a school project?
Keith: I don't believe you.
Veronica: Okay. This girl I know suspects that one of several creepy weirdoes she sang a Kylie Minogue song to at karaoke night might be following her around. We're trying to narrow down which one it is.
Keith: I like your first answer better.
Veronica: And who is this charming fellow?
Keith: The charming fellow who hired the escort to steal Cliff's briefcase.
Veronica: And his heart. Poor Cliff.
Keith: Yeah. She must have been something. 'Cause he won't shut up about it.
Veronica: Cameras are on the roof, so if this guy followed you here, we should be able to spot him.
Gia: Wow! How Mission: Impossible. I feel like at any moment Tom Cruise is gonna dangle from the ceiling on cables.
Veronica: Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.
Gia: There! That's the car. Isn't it totally nondescript?
Veronica: That's a 2002 silver Gallant.
Gia: We should order him a pizza. He would totally freak.
Veronica: Why stop at pizza, Gia? Bet you a hot oil rubdown would really show him.
Gia: And you can just look him up, right there on your computer? That's awesome.
Veronica: Actually, I'm updating my Netflix queue. No, wait. I think we got him.
Gia: Leonardo D'Amato? God, what kind of loser is that?
Veronica: Hey, how's it goin'?
Logan: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Logan: Ah, you have that "I'd rather be making out with a broken bottle" look. Which if history serves, means you're about to say something awkward.
Veronica: This? This is my "I'd rather be spelunking" look. It's like you don't know me at all.
Veronica: So...you remember Duncan.
Logan: Right, blue eyes?
Veronica: You wouldn't happen to know if he was with...and by with I mean with, uh, someone other than Meg?
Logan: Well, there was this one girl. She was, uh, blonde, petite. Smelled of marshmallows and promises.
Veronica: That's the name of my perfume!
Logan: You know, generally speaking, I've kinda grown immune to your left field questions. But I'm gonna bite on this one. What do you care who Duncan did when Duncan did do dudettes?
Veronica: Would you believe, it's for a college application. Weird, huh?
Veronica: Well, I'm going to miss these moments.
Logan: You going somewhere?
Veronica: Oh! You see this?
Veronica: Uh, this is high school. We're here for four years and then we move on. And all these people you see every day vanish from your life and you never have to think about them again.
Veronica: Wow, you and your drunk 09er buddies get the prom cancelled, and then use your inherited wealth to throw a private prom.
Logan: When you say it like that it sounds unjust.
Veronica: How does it sound when you say it?
Logan: Mm, glamorous. So...are you coming?
[Veronica points to her face]
Logan: What...you'd rather be spelunking?
Veronica: No! I'd rather be...
Veronica: Strapped down on an ant hill!
Veronica: Man, you've really lost it.
Leo: Gotta admit I was surprised to hear from you, Veronica. I figured after the whole eased out of the department episode I kinda fell off your radar.
Veronica: You kidding? My radar is vast.
Leo: So how's your love life?
Veronica: Terrible. How's yours?
Leo: Also terrible.
Veronica: So is that maybe why you've been stalking Miss Goodman here?
Gia: Hi. It's Gia.
Leo: Same old Veronica.
Gia: You went out with him? He's cute, in a tough, mumbly kind of way.
Gia: Is a lunchlady who does body building human interest?
Veronica: Human? Maybe. Interest? No.
Wallace: Batting cages. There's one up north. We could get some flowers, play a little music, take out some Chinese...
Jackie: The prom is cancelled and you want to take me to a batting cage instead?
Wallace: Yeah. It's for that "so casual, it's super romantic" thing.
Jackie: That's not a thing! That's male wishful thinking. But I want to wear my dress, think fancy.
Wallace: Can we do it anyway?
Veronica: Okay. I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom.
Wallace: Damn, they're just privatizing everything these days.
Jackie: Alterna-prom. Hm. Formal attire.
Wallace: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Veronica: Please don't give us the tux speech again.
Wallace: What? You mean, how when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel?
Mac: Oh, please tell me Butters knows nothing about this.
Veronica: I wanted to see what it was like, getting your news off the ground. And the stories — so tawdry. There was one yesterday about you getting a girl drunk. I can't believe it.
Keith: What, you don't think a girl would have a few drinks with me?
Veronica: I just read otherwise. Enjoy your headlines.
Logan: Who you taking to the alterna-prom?
Dick: Well, I considered a lot of chicks, but finally figured I'd just go stag. I mean, it's not the prom: it's the alterna-prom. Why narrow my options?
Logan: Shot down, huh?
Dick: It's like a conspiracy.
Logan: It's a good thing we're graduating. Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you.
Dick: Bring on the sorority girls!
Corny: Dude! You need me to bring anything to the big bash? 'Cause if it's one thing I know how to do right, it's potluck.
Dick: Uh, which—what bash is that?
Corny: Alterna-prom? I make these killer brownies. The secret: it's all in the butter.
Veronica: So Neptune has to keep us?
Keith: What's a yacht without barnacles?
Veronica: So I'm stuck on something, and hoped you could help me.
Keith: Absolutely. Unless it's physics or chemistry. Or math. Or English. P.E. I was good at P.E.
Mr. Wu: Miss Mars, what do you think you're doing?
Veronica: Just some clerical business.
Mr. Wu: This is study hall. If you wanted clerical hall, you should have signed up for clerical hall. Mr. Echolls, so glad you could join us. Late.
Logan: And that is what happens when you never get laid.
Veronica: Well why don't you invite him to your bitchin' party?
Logan: Hey, speaking of my bitching party, a funny thing happened. That stoner dude Corny whom I don't recall inviting offered to bring dessert. Exactly how many losers are now coming to my party?
Veronica: You said invite whoever.
Logan: Didn't it occur to you that I might not have meant it?
Terrence: I thought you said your prom was cancelled.
Jackie: It was, but some kids are having kind of a replacement prom. So Wallace and I are doing the whole thing: the dinner, the limo — oh, we got his tux, which he's warning me is some kind of insanely masculine mesmeriser of women.
Terrence: Just better be careful, Jackie.
Jackie: Relax, Dad. I learned the birds and the bees the hard way, remember?
Terrence: I mean, it sounds like you're really falling for this Wallace guy.
Jackie: He's a nice young man whom I like, yes. Wait, are you, like, trying to give me, like, fatherly advice?
Terrence: Trying. How am I doing?
Jackie: Not bad. For a novice.
Veronica: Hey. Gia, I was heading out and thought maybe—
Gia: I'm really busy right now.
Veronica Voiceover: So, since strangling her would be counterproductive, that only leaves giving up.
Veronica Voiceover: Fifteen minutes, Dad. That's all the longer I can be expected to wait. Have taser, will travel.
Lamb: Everyone freeze. Keith, when you call the Sheriff, you don't have to come yourself. Would you get up off the man? You said you have evidence to back up what you said?
Keith: He basically confessed already. We get him in a room for an hour—
Lamb: "We"? I appreciate the heads-up. This is a law enforcement matter now, Mr. Mars. You can go.
Veronica: Mac, you really do look—
Mac: Don't distract me. I'm planning how to kill you and make it look like an accident.
Madison: God, longest elevator ride ever.
Vincent: Wait for the space elevator. They're designing it now. A huge elevator on a hundred-mile carbon polymer cable that goes all the way to space. That'll be a long elevator ride.
Mac: Still not as long as this one.
Lamb: What are you looking at, nutjob?
Keith: Cut him some slack, Don.
Lamb: I wasn't talking to him, Keith.
Lucky: I don't think he likes you.
Vincent: I'm not stupid, you know. I know it's weird to force someone to go to prom with you. I know.
Mac: So why did you do it?
Vincent: Because I wanted to be true to myself. I am weird. I thought maybe you'd understand because...you're a little weird too. That's a compliment.
Mac: Oh. Well, then you're really, really weird.
Dick: Senior year's almost over. In a month, we might never see each other again. Never. Think about how long that is. That's like forever, but worse.
Madison: I'm not going to sleep with you.
Dick: We could fool around in the bathroom. Old times' sake? Never — it's a long time, Madison.
Veronica: Leave her alone, Dick. You don't want to make her have to call the law, 'cause I hear the law really comes down hard. Have you heard that?
Madison: So, I guess you're here alone since Duncan, like, ran away, or whatever.
Veronica: You mean, took it on the lam? 'Cause I can't imagine what that's like. Can you? Being on the Lamb? Think you'd just want to close your eyes and pray for it all to end. You'd have the cops crawling all over you. Right? What do you think, Madison?
Dick: Ronnie: what do you think the odds are of you and me hooking up by the end of the night?
Veronica: I happen to have them right here. They are...a googolplex to one.
Dick: Right on! So I'll send over a bartender and check back in with you later.
Veronica: You can't just leave me here.
Jackie: We'd stay, but I, uh, just can't control myself.
Wallace: It's the tux, I'm telling you.
Logan: Alone again.
Logan: I, uh, I know the feeling.
Veronica: You? Host of the greatest private replacement prom ever? I'm sure you could have your pick of the bimbos. I really like this song.
Logan: You know, I'm surprised, Veronica. And as a keen observer of the human condition, I thought you saw through people better than that. Bimbos? That's not me anymore.
Veronica: So what are you like now?
Logan: You know. Tortured. Ever since I had my heart broke.
Veronica: Hannah really did do a number on you, huh?
Logan: Come on, you know I'm not talking about Hannah. I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed, epic. But summer's almost here. We won't see each other at all. Then you'll leave town then...and then it's over.
Logan: I'm sorry. About last summer. If I could do it over...
Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives, bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.