2.19 "Nevermind the Buttocks"
Aired Apr 18, 2006
Ethan Lavoie: You said that you saw Mr. Echolls and Miss Kane having sex on the videotape.
Veronica: That's right.
Ethan Lavoie: The actual act of intercourse?
Veronica: A sheet was covering them, but the motion of their bodies...suggested copulation.
Ethan Lavoie: It just looked like sex.
Veronica: And sounded like sex.
Ethan Lavoie: Is this an area you have a particular knowledge in, Miss Mars?
Cliff: Mr. Lavoie—
Ethan Lavoie: Well, she said it looked as though they were having sex. I need to make sure she knows what sex looks like.
Cliff: I'm sure Ms. Mars has had the required sexual education course provided by Neptune High School.
Veronica: I got an A minus. Plus, I watch Animal Planet.
Ethan Lavoie: Statutory rape is a grave accusation.
Veronica: Not to a murderer.
Keith: Prepare to have your mind blown. Are you ready?
Veronica: Think back eighteen years: small, blonde, baby. Born ready.
Keith: Richard Casablancas was using the life insurance they'd taken out for Dick and Cassidy as a tax shelter. The payout on their policies is over eight figures, and here's the kicker: the beneficiary should both brothers die simultaneously? Kendall Casablancas.
Veronica: The wicked stepmother trying to bump off her rich husband's spawn. That's a Disney movie, isn't it?
Weevil: Someone was hungry, huh?
Veronica: Someone is baby talking a python.
Weevil: Yeah. We got a special connection, me and Buddy: top of the food chain.
Veronica: Well, on behalf of Nature, thank you for doing your part in the circle of life.
Veronica: Mac Attack, what's the haps?
Mac: I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell phone interceptor, and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?
Veronica: Everyone still kept bringing in their cell phone interceptors?
Mac: Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from my buddy at Radio Shack because apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. ...You're judging me.
Veronica: No. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor?
Mac: Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets; you do the actual espionage.
Veronica Voiceover: I don't know if waiting for Clemmons to go to lunch qualifies as espionage, but setting off his secretary's car alarm? Pure Bond.
Veronica Voiceover: He changed his lock? Man, he's gotten paranoid.
Vincent: That was your secret knock?
Veronica: The genius is its simplicity.
Mac: Wow, Butters, this is—this is way cool of you.
Vincent: Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so...don't worry about that.
Mac: ...Oh. Okay. I'll try not to.
Vincent: Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.
Veronica: Look! Fake vomit. Courtesy of locker...213. And whoever is in locker 792 is sans one "Smell it, bitch" t-shirt.
Vincent: So, Mac, what color dress are you wearing?
Mac: I'm actually wearing pants.
Vincent: Right, I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red, and you think I'm an idiot.
Veronica: Oh, your cell phone interceptor!
Veronica: Do you mind if I give this Anarchist Cookbook back to Weevil?
Vincent: You know his locker number?
Veronica: Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?
Weevil: Wow. You know, you look exactly like this calendar in my uncle's garage. Now hop your ass off before you scratch my paint.
Veronica: You seen Thumper lately, Weevil? It's just, nobody's heard from him in weeks. He doesn't show up soon, he's gonna miss Prom.
Weevil: Yeah. Well, uh, I'm sure he's crushed.
Veronica: So I found this in Clemmons' office. According to the note, it was confiscated from your locker the first week of school. Any particular reason you needed The Anarchist Cookbook?
Weevil: Yeah. I tried making the Survivalist Stew, didn't much care for it.
Veronica: Are you telling me you wouldn't off the guy who killed Felix? Well, at least you got it right with Thumper. That makes you...top of the food chain again, right Weevil?
Jackie: Veronica? I've got a, uh, favor to ask.
Veronica: Who doesn't?
Jackie: I was hoping you could put in a good word for me at the Hut. I already dropped off an application.
Veronica: Like, for a job? Please. Jackie. Six seventy-five an hour isn't gonna keep your dog in sweaters.
Keith: Can you think of any reason Logan Echolls would've gotten three calls from Kendall on the day of the crash?
Veronica: Well, let's see. I believe the Latin term is coitus sordidus.
Keith: They were sleeping together? That was weeks before Kendall's husband fled the country.
Veronica: Logan may be a little fuzzy on the commandments.
Logan: As a rule, I like to start every school day with a hot blonde waiting for me in the parking lot.
Veronica: Me too.
Logan: I'm not blonde.
Veronica: Or hot.
Veronica: Got a question for you: remember back when you were doing the deed with Dick's stepmom?
Logan: Mm, vaguely. I remember she thought I was hot.
Veronica: Were you with her on the day of the crash? You two talked on the phone a few times that day.
Logan: Man, you're obsessed with my sex life. Do I need to start carrying around a webcam from now on?
Logan: Day of the crash, day of the crash...uh, I'd really have to consult my feelings journal to be sure.
Veronica: Kendall stood to make millions by sending Dick and Beaver over that cliff. There was an insurance policy.
Logan: Kendall requires a domestic staff to make cereal. You think she could really plot a murder?
Veronica: Were you with her at 7:03?
Logan: No actually, she kicked me out before the sheets were dry. But considering her husband's fondness for handguns and the fact that Dick and Beaver could come home any minute, who could blame her? Anything else? Oh, I, uh, I got to second base with Tammy Forrester in eigth grade in Duncan's closet. And last summer, I made this townie girl moan without even using my hands. Is any of this relevant? Should I make a list?
Wallace: You want us to do this platonic thing, you gonna have to make some adjustments.
Jackie: Like what?
Wallace: Like...that. And...this.
Jackie: What do you want me to do, Wallace? My burqa's at the cleaners.
Wallace: Let me drop this dumb "pals" act.
Jackie: Wallace, I told you—
Wallace: It's been two weeks. That's like a decade in high school years.
Wallace: Why you so worried about what other people think? I mean, you're already that girl whose dad blew up the kids. Think anyone's out there saying, "Yeah, but at least she keeps her hands off of other girls' ex-boyfriends"?
Veronica: Hi, I'm Veronica.
Billy: Yeah, you go to Neptune, right? You're, like, a cheerleader or something?
Veronica: Or something.
Veronica: Can you tell me where I can find Harry?
Billy: What'll you give me?
Veronica: Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar? And as a bonus, I won't beat you silly.
Billy: I might like that. —OW!
Veronica: No, I don't think you would.
Veronica: I hate fake deer too. Every time I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em.
Veronica: Do you have some deep-seated deer issues you wanna talk about?
Harry: Nope. I love animals.
Veronica: They're delicious, right? Ha, ha.
Hector: It's the Fitzpatricks, Weevil. They been all over us. Just treatin' us like they bitches.
Weevil: My guess would be that's because you are their bitches.
Keith: Okay, honey. Now prepare to be impressed.
Veronica: Dad, you've shown me your yearbook. The whole Rick Springfield feathered hair thing, it looked awesome on you. But those days are over and it's time to move on.
Keith: This is Kendall Shiflett's high school yearbook.
Veronica: And she was named "Most likely to commit murder for profit"? That'd really support our latest theory.
Veronica Voiceover: It now occurs to me that a bat or a large stick might have been a good idea, given the profile of your average muscle car-driving, ass-flashing, dog-murdering—
Mary: Who are you?
Mary: Now excuse me, but I'm missing Vanna and Pat.
Veronica Voiceover: And what enjoyment exactly do the blind get out of Wheel of Fortune?
Veronica: You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?
Weevil: No. But I can see how you might get confused.
Weevil: I need you to get me into Clemmons' office. Look, I know you got a key. You spend as much time in there as he does.
Veronica: What do you need out of Clemmons' office?
Weevil: A paddle. It belonged to Thumper. Clemmons confiscated it.
Veronica: "Belonged"? Interesting use of the past tense. What's so special about this paddle?
Weevil: I saw it when I dumped the carnival cash in Thumper's shop locker. It had license plates engraved on it. I'm guessing that those plates belonged to the people he was delivering product to for the Fitzpatricks. He probably made it as some kind of insurance policy.
Veronica: How's that working out for him?
Weevil: You believe me?
Veronica: How could I not when you're battin' those Maybelline lashes at me?
Veronica Voiceover: What a relief: it seems I wasn't lying about Jackie's waitressing skills. Nice to see all those Manhattan ballet lessons finally pay off in the service industry.
Kendall: Why was the former sheriff in my house?
Liam: He didn't say.
Kendall: This is bad.
Liam: I could track him down and ask him.
Kendall: That would be worse.
Keith: His gun wasn't loaded.
Veronica: If you wouldn't've hung up on me, I could've told you. The bullets are in the ashtray. Think we should return 'em?
Mac: Bingo. All right, you guys are in.
Veronica: Ah, thanks, Mac.
Mac: I'm not speaking to you. Butters asked if he should rent a room for Prom night. I'm doing this for your dad. Mr. Mars, what else can I do for you?
Keith: You mind printing every email, every document?
Mac: Your wish is my Shift-Command. Little computer humor for you, there.
Veronica: I liked it better when you weren't speaking to me.
Hector: Supply and demand. That's all that people are buyin'.
Liam: Then create demand. You act like the rich kids are the only ones with money. Throw a rave on the beach. You got finals comin' up, right, people need to stay awake? People need to study? It's called pusher for a reason.
Weevil: The PCHers ain't dealin' for you no more.
Liam: Okay! So, uh, what, we just...shake hands and walk away like gentlemen?
Weevil: Not sure I'm interested in the handshake, but I'm fine with the walkin' away.
Liam: You know, uh, retirement ain't all it's cracked up to be. Ask Thumper.
Wallace: I guess I better head down to Ayre's Formal Wear. I hear those top hats and those canes go quick.
Veronica: I've learned that when someone just stands there with his mouth open like that, it means he's guilty.
Billy: Listen, just don't tell Harry. He finds out what happened—
Veronica: Cry to someone else. This beating, you've got coming.