2.18 "I Am God"

Aired Apr 11, 2006


  • Ms. James: You were sleeping in class. Mrs. Taft says she's reprimanded you three times for wearing headphones while she's teaching.

    Veronica: She's reading The Golden Bowl...aloud, with a fake English accent.

    Ms. James: You were caught ripping down another student's poster.

    Veronica: Am I being followed?

  • Ms. James: Something you want to talk about?

    Veronica: Yeah, but Jennifer Love Hewitt might be more qualified.

    Ms. James: How's that?

    Veronica: I'm being haunted. And...she's the Ghost Whisperer. These are the jokes.

    Ms. James: Haunted?

    Veronica: Yeah, by the kids who died in the bus crash. I take it you don't see them?

    Ms. James: Uh, no, Veronica, I don't.

    Veronica: Good, neither do I.

  • Veronica: This is so cool.

    Meg: Yeah, it's just dreamy. I really want to spend eternity like a plastic scuba diver in someone's fish tank.

  • Veronica: So Meg, what's with that guy, Lucky? Your parents' friend from church? I can't picture them wanting to set you up with someone.

    Meg: They weren't outwardly setting us up. They just kept having him over for dinner so he could talk about his four months in Iraq and how he took shrapnel in the ass for America. He'd quote the Bible and they'd point out how great he was. Fun, fun, fun.

    Veronica: But you thought he was creepy.

    Meg: Have you been reading my emails? My sister gave my computer files to Duncan, not you. Those are my personal, intimate...wait. Forgot. I'm dead. In Veronicaland, no pulse, no privacy.

  • Keith: Honey?

    Veronica: I'm fine. It was just a bad dream.

    Keith: Did you watch "House of Wax" again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

  • Veronica: Betina played these phone messages from Dick for everyone on the bus. This was in the CD player.

    Keith: And how did it get here?

    Veronica: I willed it?

    Keith: You snuck onto the bus?

    Veronica: Yeah, like you didn't?

  • Veronica: Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that.

    Logan: Is it because you're five?

    Veronica: I'm a little punchy; I haven't been sleeping.

    Logan: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Um, sometimes I'm up all night just thinking about myself.

  • Veronica: Do you know a guy named Lucky? He's one of the night janitors here.

    Logan: Tommy Dohanic? Yeah.

    Veronica: Why "Lucky"?

    Logan: Well, he graduates. Then his parents file Chapter 11; he has to drop out of college. He signs up for Army Rangers. He gets sent to Iraq and four months in, he gets shot.

    Veronica: And...that makes him lucky?

    Logan: Hey, they shot him in the butt. Could be worse.

  • Logan: You met him too, you know. Remember...

    Veronica: ...Hey, Logan, is there a point to this story?

    Logan: Will you let me finish? Sheesh!

  • Lucky: Okay, Lover-Boy, that's enough face-sucking for now. We got things to do.

    Logan: And you're on a tight schedule of smoking pot and playing Halo. I can't wait to graduate.

    Lucky: Come on, man. We're done screwing around. The ball's in our court and someone's gotta pay.

    Dick: But, after we make someone pay, we're gonna get high and play Halo, right?

  • Veronica: Remind me. Why did we break up?

    Logan: Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Mm, or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait, it was you. You were too much man.

  • Mr. Wu: As I was saying, each team will design a device to protect an egg dropped from increasing heights. The pair whose egg survives the highest drop will earn an "A," plus the team will be excused from Mr. Wu's notorious G.P.A.-killing final exam.

    Logan: Boy, Mr. Wu must really like his egg-drop soup.

    Dick: Ah, does this assignment come with potsticka?

  • Mr. Wu: That's does it. I'm assigning you partners alphabetically. Dick, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together.

    Dick: So bad it's good?

    Mr. Wu: No.

    Dick: God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shhh. It's not me; it's Wu.

  • Logan: You're not gonna get all super-achiever on me, are you?

    Wallace: I'm just trying to avoid flunking. Hearst would yank my scholarship.

    Logan: Excellent. The bar is so low, we can step over it.

  • Dick: Everybody has their secret shame, V. You get tanked at the wrong party, stumble a couple of rungs down the food chain. You know how it is; you dated that cop.

    Veronica: Patience dwindling.

    Dick: Sometimes you don't need the prettiest horse, just one that let's you ride bareback.

    Veronica: Ever think, maybe, that was a little, I don't know, dangerous?

    Dick: What am I, stupid? She was on the pill. I don't know why you're in a bunch. I don't hear her complaining.

    Veronica: You know she's dead, right? And she did complain. She played your messages for the whole bus on the way home from Shark Field. That's not a satisfied customer, Dick. That's a woman scorned.

    Dick: Well, she had nothing to be scorned about. I even gave her a little gift that day: a Sharks premium ticket package, my Sharks memorabilia gift bag.

    Veronica: Tickets they raffled off? You didn't win the tickets.

    Dick: Well, I saw that gay kid who won them toss them in the trash, and I thought Betina might like them. Or she could sell them for grocery money or whatever. Pissed-off white trash booty buddy, free tickets, it's a no-brainer.

  • Maureen: Dick Casablancas is the bastard child of Satan.

    Veronica: Well, that would explain a lot.

  • Betina: What's with the T-shirts? You just need help keeping us straight in your head?

    Peter: Straight? "Queer eye for the dead guy" has Petey wearing a rhinestone fricking rainbow! Seriously, ever heard of butch?

    Meg: I have important information.

    Peter: Don't we all?

  • Logan: Ah, my buffalo burger has arrived.

    Wallace: Must be nice.

    Logan: Oh, not for the buffalo.

  • Logan: You don't like me much, do you?

    Wallace: The last time we actually talked, you were bashing Veronica's headlights with a crowbar.

    Logan: Hm. Foreplay.

  • Veronica: Did I see you at school today?

    Keith: I don't know, were you hallucinating?

  • Wallace: When I die, I want you to raise money for my spread in Vibe.

    Veronica: Oh, didn't I email you? You're never allowed to die.

  • Wallace: That girl, Rhonda, and her sister Natalie were in Clemmons' office all the time. Always in trouble, for huffing paint, stealing, fighting, anything to reinforce the P.W.T. stereotype.

    Veronica: There's a Pretty Young Thing stereotype? Do I fit it?

    Wallace: P.W.T. Poor White Trash.

    Veronica: Oh, them. So can you point Rhonda's sister out to me after school?

    Wallace: What else am I gonna do?

  • Mr. Wu: Logan, you and Wallace are up.

    Logan: I could rub your head for luck.

    Wallace: You could try.

  • Angie: I'm in. I got into Stanford.

    Dick: All right! You can be roomies with Veronica Mars. There's a pillow-fight I'd like to see.

    Angie: Veronica Mars got into Stanford?

    Wallace: Yeah. Veronica Mars. Stanford.

    Angie: Well, I guess somebody has to do the football team.

  • Mr. Wu: Echolls, Fennel, you've got what all cruising seniors desire: a passing grade. If you'd like to aim higher tomorrow, I won't hold my breath.

  • Dick: I heard in dorms, all the girls shower together. Maybe you and Ronnie could soap each other's backs.

    Angie: Mr. Wu, I want another partner. Dick is being inappropriate and didn't help with our project.

    Mr. Wu: Dick?

    Dick: Dude, I totally helped.

    Mr. Wu: Can you, um, pick up your project, bring it to me?

    Dick: Ahhh....

    Mr. Wu: I'll see you in summer school, Dick.

    Dick: What?

    Mr. Wu: Oh, believe me, I'm no happier than you.

  • Logan: Congratulations. You've single-handedly fulfilled the Stanford bitch quota.

    Angie: Enjoy trade school, Logan.

  • Wallace: I think that's Rhonda's sister. Natalie?

    Veronica: Are you sure there's a "P." before that "W.T."?

    Wallace: That's definitely her. She drives a 'Vette now? Last year, she offered to make out with me for cigarette money.

  • Veronica: You can take the girl out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the girl. Oh, the time and effort she's saved me.

  • Keith: Why aren't you learning something?

    Veronica: And a good day to you, too, sir. Just thinking about some great advice you gave me.

    Keith: "Look both ways"? "Don't stick that in your nose"?

    Veronica: "Follow the money."

  • Blind Date #2: You know who you remind me of? That guy on Seinfeld, George.

    Keith: Oh? How so?

    Blind Date #2: Well, he's a nice guy, like you. But there's so much...unrealized potential. A guy who really wants to meet women goes for it, you know? He dresses to impress, a little cologne, a gym membership. You—

    Keith: Should make more of an effort?

    Blind Date #2: My ex-husband went for a hair transplant. He looked fantastic afterwards.

    Keith: Cologne, new suit, hair. I should, uh, probably write this stuff down.

  • Wallace: We magnify the drag, decrease the velocity, minimize the force, and decelerate—

    Logan: Decelerate yourself. Four is officially your espresso limit.

    Wallace: So, I know why I'm trying to help out Veronica. I want her to get to go to Stanford. Why you doing it?

    Logan: I don't know, not for Veronica.

    Wallace: Then what?

    Logan: Uh, the spirit of competition.

    Wallace: Yeah. All right.

    Logan: Why don't you chill while the glue dries?

  • Veronica: Got something for me?

    Keith: Love in my heart. Chili on the stove. Oh, and I ran those financial records. I am a great father.

  • Veronica Voiceover: Sometimes, opportunity doesn't knock. It waits for everyone to go to lunch and sneaks in using a key.

  • Keith: My coat?

    Clemmons: Right. It's in the closet.

    Keith: Yep, that's mine all right.

  • Blind Date #3: I was one of those people saying Keith Mars should be run out of town. Going after that sweet Jake Kane? Making our nice little town look like Bozoville? A-And then when I found out what really happened, I was so embarrassed. I confess, I never vote in the local elections, but I went out this year just so I could vote for you.

    Keith: I totally carried the pity vote.

  • Veronica: Peter was gearing up for what he called "the outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet.

    Mr. Wu: Veronica, I think that when you get out in the world a little more, you'll, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just Asian.

  • Logan: Ah, am I still keeping you up at night? You look like Steve Buscemi.

    Veronica: You...are such...a catch. How has Hannah been able to keep away?

  • Ms. James: So that's it? The tombstone art work was just an album cover?

    Veronica: And Rosebud was just a sled. I didn't just ruin Citizen Kane for you, did I?

    Ms. James: No, no.

    Veronica: Good. So, are we done?

    Ms. James: Well that depends. Do you think you're through being haunted?

    Veronica: I better be.


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