2.10 "One Angry Veronica"
Aired Dec 07, 2005
Veronica: Duncan, how could you —
Duncan: Last spring, before we broke up...
Veronica: Okay, stop. I was shown a diagram once, I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?
Duncan: This has nothing to do with us.
Veronica: Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me. I'm fine with it.
Dick: Hola, boyos. Hope I'm not spoiling a tender moment here, but I just wanted to make sure you got your vaccinations, because the New Year's bash of the century is just a scant week away.
Veronica: Of the century? Does Truman Capote know?
Dick: Of the millennium. And Truman who?
Duncan: Can't. I've got holidays in Sun Valley with the parents.
Dick: Dude, seriously. Snow? Pine trees? Family? That's not holidays. Party boat, crazy Chinese pyro guy. I'm feeling that. Think about it. Oh, and Duncan: if you're not coming 'cause of...tension here, there's a chance an old flame might be there.
Duncan: What do you mean?
Dick: Didn't you hear? Meg. She woke up. Probably going to be partying in no time, so...I'm just sayin'.
Duncan: I should go see her.
Veronica: Got it covered. My visitor's pass from when I picked up Abel Koontz's stuff. All I need is a colour copier and a laminator and we're in business. Don't worry, I do this for all my boyfriends.
Veronica: I know. I'm amazing.
Keith: You're late.
Veronica: That's the idea. Figured if I snuck in close to the end of the day, the chances of it getting even worse are slim.
Keith: So you would not characterize your day as "good."
Veronica: More along the lines of..."bad."
Keith: And how much would it help if I microwaved you some two-day-old lasagna?
Veronica: A...medium amount.
Keith: And how much would it help if I went out and got some ice cream, too?
Veronica: A...lot? Why would I need that much help?
Keith: With my sincere regrets. Chocolate chip mint or butter pecan?
Veronica: Oh, crap. Jury duty?
Keith: I'll get both.
Veronica Voiceover: Jury duty on Christmas break. No sing-alongs, no poignant messages of universal love and hope, just cell phones out, watches eyeballed, jackets left on, and a commitment to the sacred ideal of drive-through express justice.
Lamb: You know, Keith, you really shoulda done more to push fitness when you were here.
Keith: Yeah, I was gonna get to that, but the crime fighting kept getting in the way.
Keith: So to paraphrase, you're telling me the Neptune Sheriff's Department is a locked-down, squared-away citadel of security?
Lamb: That's a little flowery, but you can pretty much catch my drift. I run a tight ship, Keith.
Keith: And you look good doin' it.
Lamb: That's why they elected me, Keith.
Keith: So I'm gonna need unrestricted access to your staff at all times.
Lamb: Absolutely. We're here to please.
Keith: Well in that case, I'll need personal info for everyone who works here. Personnel files, tax returns, security access levels, email addresses, browser histories, all that.
Lamb: No problem, buddy. Just say how high.
Keith: Oh, I will.
Keith: Gotta hand it to you, Sacks. You stay on message like nobody's business. If not for the little perspiration problem, you'd make a great White House press secretary.
Leo: Don is a fine politician, but as a lawman and administrator? The security around here's a joke.
Keith: That's odd. He told me security here was quite impressive.
Leo: He thinks so. He locks himself out pretty often.
Keith: I've been so hung up on Aaron Echolls and all this evidence tampering I never stopped to think what those tapes are worth.
Leo: Good celebrity porn is scarce these days.
Leo: Keith...um, you mind giving my best to your daughter?
Keith: A little. But I'll do it.
Veronica: Oh. Hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?
Thumper: The name is Thumper. Not that you really care.
Veronica: Oh, I care. Deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic.
Logan: I adore what your designer's done with the men's room. That Hefty bag over the busted urinal adds a delicious wabi-sabi feel.
Keith: It's Don's thing. We went more mid-century modern back in my day.
Keith: Thanks for coming by. I'm guessing by your blithe spirits that you have no idea what's up.
Logan: No. But they request my presence here weekly, so...
Logan: Can you seriously imagine me conspiring to save Daddy dearest? Lilly's killer?
Keith: I'm just making sure I have every pertinent bit of information.
Logan: I'll tell you what, dude: if I hear anything pertinent, I'll get back at you.
Keith: The name's not "dude," it's Mr. Mars.
Keith: I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me.
Keith: You know, elf, we might not be the richest family in town, but we can afford normal-sized birds once a year or so.
Veronica: Game hens. They were just so cute. Plus this way, we won't have to eat leftovers on New Year's.
Keith: Well, that's smart thinking. Come on, what do they taste like?
Veronica: I don't know. Dense little turkeys?
Keith: Thanks for doing all this, honey.
Veronica: Thank the three energy drinks. Merry Christmas, pops.
Keith: You're drinking wine now?
Keith: She's a very tiny bird in-a size, but in-a taste-a, so big!
Keith: How's about an early peek at one of your Christmas presents?
Veronica: What about our strict Christmas morning-only rule?
Keith: This Christmas we make our own rules. Follow me!
Veronica: I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room.
Keith: For that experience you paid fifty grand?
Logan: Yeah, all that matters is that the world wide web won't be hosting mpegs of my old man defiling the love of my life.
Keith: This is a serious crime.
Logan: Yeah? Uh, where's the evidence?
Keith: I believe those are the tapes right there.
Logan: Yeah, those are blank.
Keith: Blank tapes made you cry?
Logan: Yeah, I thought I'd saved the Daria marathon on them.
Keith: Right. And most people have a tape degausser just hanging around on their coffee table. Well, at least tell me this: how did you manage to buy those tapes for a tenth of their market price?
Logan: Why, sir, I've always depended upon the kindness of strangers.
Captain of Industry: Light the yule log, crank the Manheim Steamroller, it's Christmas! Those boys will appeal, and they'll win. I'll sleep with visions of sugarplums, trusting their fate in a jury that doesn't cow-tow to a high school cheerleader!
Veronica: Yay! Let me take this moment to thank you. I learned a lot about civic responsibility.
Woman: I don't know if you've made plans for college, but I think you'd fit right in at Hearst.
Veronica: Stay here, in Neptune?
Woman: Well, we won't be moving the university.
Veronica: I'd really kinda planned on having my car packed and running during graduation ceremonies, just to kinda beat the rush out of Neptune.
Keith: It's not always easy doing the right thing.
Veronica: If that phrase isn't on the Mars family crest, it should be.
Keith: What's with the janitorial supplies?
Veronica: Oh, just tidying up after a billion or so starlings. They seem to be the official courthouse mascot.
Veronica: Did you see the moving truck out front? Miss Moan-a Lisa and Mister Outside Voice next door finally got the boot. Two old acquaintances that should be forgotten.
Veronica Voiceover: New Year's Eve. Someone just needs to change the name to Same Old Year's Eve, because that "New," implying all that hope and promise, it's not fooling anyone.
Keith: I'm hittin' the bunkhouse.
Veronica: But...Dad, you'll miss the ball.
Keith: Oh, I saw it the past forty years or so. It, you know, drops. You'll see.
Veronica Voiceover: Okay, I'm a sucker. I'll give this New Year thing one last chance.