2.07 "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner"

Aired Nov 16, 2005


  • Duncan: Veronica. You need to stop being The Dude.

    Veronica: Stoner bowler doesn't do it for you?

    Duncan: A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

    Veronica: These lips? I've had 'em for years, I can't do a thing with 'em.

  • Logan: Where's my martini and why don't I smell pot roast? Hey, you're watching The Big Lebowski. Why didn't you wait for me?

  • Logan: Seriously, though: I was reading Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide, and we should come up with, like, some kind of code word for when you guys are feeling frisky and, uh, don't want to be disturbed.

    Veronica: Like "scram"?

    Logan: I was thinking "awkward." But scram's good. Or "amscray."

  • Logan: You're not my grilled cheese.

  • Kendall: iPod girl with the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

    Veronica: Like this big.

  • Logan: My code word will be...endurance.

  • Duncan: Weren't we doin' something?

    Veronica: We were making out on the couch, and then that happened. Dick and Beav's stepmom just came over to have a go-around with your bunkmate. How does that not bother you?

    Duncan: 'Cause I'm a guy?

  • Duncan: What? She's hot. Like that's news.

    Veronica: Well ass-slaps and high fives to Logan for bangin' a hot chick. Maybe she'll buy us beer.

    Duncan: I'd ask her, but I think she'll be in there for a while.

  • Mr. Pope: Last week, Miss Mars was, as you kids call it, flush, with Mr. Casablancas breathing down her neck. Well, the worm has turned.

    Cassidy: Boo-yeah!

    Veronica: Nobody likes an eager beaver.

  • Woody: This'd be more enjoyable if I were good at it.

  • Woody: I promised a cleaner, safer Neptune. Want to know how I'm gonna get there? Incorporation. Turn our little county seat into a full-fledged city. Santa Barbara, Carmel, La Jolla, they all did it. Upped their tax base, turned that revenue into antique streetlamps, cobblestone streets, increased sanitation. I defy you to find graffiti in Carmel, Keith. It cannot be done. Here...

    Keith: What boundaries are we talking about?

    Woody: South to the marina, north to the airfield, east to the reservoir.

    Keith: That's not a town, Woody, that's a—that's a country club.

  • Veronica: Hey, are you sick, or am I gonna see you singing "Twist and Shout" on a parade float? Call me.

  • Logan: Hey, you remember when we, uh, made out against the sink and you had your legs around my waist?

    Veronica: Stop, you'll make me blush.

    Logan: Honestly, how much easier would your life be if you were indifferent to me?

    Veronica: So much, since I'm really struggling. What do you want?

  • Logan: I thought maybe you could do a little sleuthing for old times' sake.

    Veronica: Really? Could I?

  • Duncan: So basically, he's between seven and ten and his parents are psycho. That'll narrow it down.

  • Duncan: I think they call it a part-time job. It's when you do this thing called work, and strangers pay you instead of the Allowance Fairy.

    Veronica: Ah, the Allowance Fairy. Elusive in Neptune outside the 09er zip.

  • Veronica: Well, the Goodmans don't need a babysitter now that Gia's back, and the others I'll just have to convince to trust me with their children long enough for me to get a writing sample.

    Duncan: To compare to the book that Meg stole.

    Veronica: Yeah.

    Duncan: After we break into Meg's house.

    Veronica: Pretty much.

  • Keith: Well, look who got an invite to the sheriff department's fundraiser slash bachelor auction.

    Veronica: Please say "Veronica Mars."

    Keith: Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can.

  • Barry: Unfortunately, in light of recent events all of Dick's other assets have been frozen pending trial.

    Kendall: Trial? Um, the verdict's in: Dick's off drinking Mai Tais on some beach, probably being fanned by the local natives with hundred dollar bills. He's not coming back.

  • Barry: As for the boys, Dick Junior and Cassidy each have a trust fund.

    Dick: Sweet.

    Barry: However, you're not eligible to withdraw from them until your twenty-first birthday.

    Dick: Dude, my twenty-first birthday's going to rock so hard. I love you, Daddy.

    Kendall: And? What about me?

    Barry: You don't have any separate accounts from Dick. He didn't put any property in your name.

    Kendall: I'm their mother. Can't I have some of their money?

  • Ms. Hauser: STDs will kill you.

    Jane: Ah-choo!

    Ms. Hauser: Sexually transmitted diseases are no joke, Jane.

    Jane: I wasn't laughing, I sneezed.

    Ms. Hauser: See how much you're sneezing when you have gonorrhea!

  • Ms. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

    Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but: no glove, no love.

  • Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

    Ms. Hauser: No, Gia, chlamydia is not a flower.

    Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

    Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

  • Mrs. Fuller: Oh, and there's a phone sheet on the refrigerator.

    Mr. Fuller: It has every number we could ever possibly be reached at, barring alien abduction.

  • Veronica Voiceover: A ten year-old boy who voluntarily washes his hands, who enjoys quiet time, and does what he's told with a smile. If he doesn't pick his nose soon, I'm looking for wires.

  • Duncan: Are you all right?

    Veronica: Yeah. It's just a really big bug. I'll call you back.

  • Veronica: Your 9-1-1 caller, a.k.a. Tom Griffith, is Doctor Tom Griffith. He is a very expensive, well-respected plastic surgeon.

    Logan: I don't believe it. There are no respected plastic surgeons.

  • Logan: That's not the guy from the bridge.

    Veronica: What are you talking about? You told the police you couldn't identify the guy, you said the whole night was a blur.

    Logan: I lied.

    Veronica: 'Course you did.

  • Mr. Fuller: We have a standing dinner date with friends on Fridays. Saturdays, of course, I'm on the boat by myself if you ever want to come by, smoke a J, fool around. We usually do a day trip about once a month with my boss, if you don't mind working on a Sunday.

    Veronica: Um...

    Mr. Fuller: Oh, I almost forgot: Edwin drew this for you.

  • Veronica Voiceover: Wallace, Wallace, Wallace. Wherefore art thou? I know that quote doesn't really work, but you get the point. Things that have changed in the nineteen hours since my last e-mail: I've grown four inches, changed my name to London, and have discovered that apparently I'm not the only love of Duncan's life. You really need to start answering my e-mails. This is a little too Doogie Howser's journal for me.

  • Betina: When's the last time you had a lunch like this?

    Dick: When I was a Brady.

  • Cassidy: So you'll help us?

    Betina: Well, I don't know, baby. It's a lot of money, but that's all there is. I mean, if you spend it all now there'll be nothing left for college or God forbid, an emergency. I have to think about your future.

    Cassidy: Yeah, well, maybe we could come live with you.

    Dick: Dude!

    Cassidy: Stop!

    Betina: Sweetheart, you know we spend most of the year in Europe.

    Cassidy: So? I like Europe.

  • Veronica: No bark? Is it your day off?

  • Veronica: Okay. Well, what do you feel like doing? I've got some games—

    Albert: I want ice cream.

    Veronica: Oh, your mom just said—

    Albert: I want ice cream!

    Veronica: I got that, however—


  • Ms. Hauser: Oh, look at that. And that's so unlike him to fall asleep.

    Veronica: I think he was bored.

  • Logan's Answering Machine: It's Logan. "Life's tragedy is that we grow old too soon and wise too late." Ben Frankin.

    Veronica: The good news is, I'm perfect the way I am. The bad, your plastic surgeon is a mensch.

  • Dick: Don't say I never gave you nothin'.

    Kendall: Well, it's not on fire. What is this?

    Dick: That's what you'll be wearing when you dust my armoire. My mother signed over our trust funds. Yeah, I guess she got used to life sans Dick and Beav, made sure we had enough coin to keep off her couch. Beaver's of course heartbroken. Me, I see it as a chance to bond with my new mom.

  • Gia: You brought your sleeping bag, that's so cute!

    Veronica: Well, I like to have the option. Don't judge me for my Ninja Turtles.

  • Veronica: Whoa, somebody likes their label maker.

    Gia: Yeah, at least we know where to find everything.

    Veronica Voiceover: Yes, like the anal psychos are located right about...here. Great. They kill their guests and steal their shoes.

    [Sound of laughter]

    Veronica Voiceover: Please tell me they kill their guests.

  • Gia: I have a surprise for you. Don't peek!

    Veronica Voiceover: My spidey-sense is tingling. Something bad is happening.

    Gia: It's a girls' night!

  • Kendall: That was perfect, baby. Oh, it feels so good to be with you, I just want to be with you all the time.

    Logan: Uh, bit of advice: when looking for a sugar daddy, at least pick the richest guy in the hotel suite. ...I'm sorry. Did that hurt your feeling?

    Kendall: I can't believe you just said that to me. Doesn't this mean anything to you?

    Logan: It does. It means I'm getting laid. And I owe your village a goat.

  • Kendall: You know, you can joke all you want. I know we have a connection, Logan. You know, it may have just started off as sex, but over these past few months it's grown into something more.

    Logan: Wow. So, your feelings have grown as your available balance has shrunk. It's like science! One of the problems of sleeping with your stepson's friend: information tends to leak.

  • Kendall: I don't know if you've noticed, but you have a pretty good situation for yourself here.

    Logan: Yeah.

    Kendall: You wanna go back to playing grab-ass with cheerleaders that have just mastered missionary? See ya. You want things to keep going the way they've been going, I'm gonna need a few things.

    Logan: I'm sorry, "see ya" was option A? Bessie: when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it.

    Kendall: Then what am I supposed to do?

    Logan: Frankly, my dear...you know the rest.

  • Madison: You should put a tattoo right here so people will have something to look at.

    Girls: Oooooh.

    Veronica: Ah hah. So Gia, how are things with you and Dick?

    Madison: Dick? Like, my Dick?

  • Dick: We came here for the panty raid!

    Girl: Oh, God.

    Dick: We're stayin' for Spin the Bottle!

    Girl: Woo!

    Girl: Yeah!

    Veronica: I'm outta here.

  • Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trenchcoat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

    Veronica: Sorry, I drive now. And I'm not nine.

    Keith: You'll always be nine to me. Going on thirty.

  • Veronica: Whoa. You two need to be alone?

    Keith: I know we had the smoking talk somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.

    Veronica: Actually, I think it was more of a sentence—"Don't smoke"—and it was between the adventures of Pooh and Goodnight Moon.

    Keith: 'Splain.

  • Veronica: No ski mask?

    Duncan: You said wear dark colors.

    Veronica: We're not breaking into a bank vault in a James Bond movie.

  • Veronica: Well, after my brief stint with babysitting, I'm more than happy with the P.I. life. It's a sad state of affairs when I can't tell which kid is being locked in a closet because all the families are equally cuckoo.

  • Logan: Poetry reading?

  • Veronica: People suck.

  • Mr. Manning: What are you doing? You can't do that. I'm the victim here. You have no right to just come into my house and start poking around.

    Lamb: It's funny: I heard my father give that exact speech once.


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