2.06 "Rat Saw God"

Aired Nov 09, 2005


  • Cliff: You're out of cocktail weenies, and I'm out of cocktail.

    Veronica: We're out of gin.

    Cliff: I'm not particular.

    News Anchor: And our latest results now show Don Lamb nosing ahead by a percent.

    Cliff: Whatever it is, make it a double.

  • Dick: Dude. My stepmom?

    Logan: I'm a total piece of crap.

    Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly-there bikini of hers.

    Logan: Great. So, no hard feelings?

    Dick: No, she gave me a few.

  • Keith: Honey, it's over. Go on to your boyfriend's party. I've got Cliff to keep me company, right Cliff?

    Cliff: Right. I promise to hold his hair back if he has to make sick in the toilet.

  • Veronica: Congrats on your old man. Guess that makes you, like, Neptune's First Daughter. Are you ready for all the parade waving and ribbon cutting?

    Gia: I thought I'd go more Bush twin style. You know, public drunkenness, sluttiness, minor scandals. Speaking of which, what do you think about Dick?

    Veronica: Uh...Casablancas, I presume. Um, well, what can I say? Dick is just...Dick.

  • Sacks: Sheriff would like to have a word with you.

    Logan: And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twin sandwich, but...

  • Officer: Number four, step forward!

    Logan: Oh, wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent, and my publicist, for always shooting me from the left side.

  • Mike: Well, one night we're at this club, right, one of these places that drop this foam crap on you at midnight. So we're there, we're hangin' out, they drop the foam, and...that was the last I saw of her.

    Veronica: Did you check under the foam?

    Mike: I had to call my parents to fly me home. It basically kind of sucked.

    Veronica: Well, at least you got to go to Europe.

    Mike: And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

  • Veronica Voiceover: Ibiza. I'd follow up in person, but Dad's pretty conservative about fact-finding trips abroad.

  • Logan: So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you, getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

    Cliff: Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

    Logan: Um...my innocence?

  • Logan: And what exactly did I say, huh?

    Cliff: "The expletive racial expletive had it maternal expletive coming."

  • Veronica: Cliff, come on, you owe me.

    Cliff: I owe you? Who unconfiscated all your fake college IDs?

    Veronica: Who got the Lincoln out of your ex's name?

    Cliff: Well, who helped put that lien against Lee's Walk-In Donut?

    Veronica: And who proved that stripper was color-blind?

    Cliff: Okay, who am I calling and what am I giving them?

  • Cliff: Hello? My...my daughter's disappeared. She left her husband and ran off with some wild girlfriend, I think they got into some kind of trouble but I'm sure it's not her fault. Uh, the police said they were headed to Mexico, but no one's seen them. I just need to know if she's okay. Please, could you tell me if she's used her card?

    Operator: Uh, what's the number, sir?

    Cliff: Uh, oh-nine-two-two-three-three-four-six.

    Logan: Isn't that Thelma and Louise?

  • Cliff: Now, Lamb wants to keep you here—supposedly to ease community tensions, but really 'cause he's mean. Do the smart thing: put daddy's money to work and get a real lawyer. Or three.

  • Logan: So, uh, when do I get my conjugal visit?

    Lamb: It's up to your new roommate.

    Aaron: Logan?

  • Aaron: I guess our sheriff has a soft spot for family. Well! Ha, guess I know what it takes to get a visit out of you. Those special times with your emancipation paperwork don't really count.

  • Aaron: Look, Logan...I made a unforgivable mistake, but I am not a murderer.

    Logan: Ohhh! So you merely plowed my girlfriend and taped it for your home collection.

  • Logan: They gave me a lawyer.

    Aaron: A real lawyer, not some public servant with a mail-order diploma and a three hundred dollar suit.

    Cliff: Two for five hundred, actually, but your point remains valid.

  • Cliff: Judge Bloom and I schvitz at the same gym. I'll be billing you for a case of cohibas and a four-handed Thai massage. There's also the matter of a two hundered thousand dollar bond, so: chip, how 'bout you thank me by takin' the old block's advice? Get a new lawyer.

    Logan: Well, you're kinda winnin' me over.

  • Veronica: What are you the head of again?

  • Veronica: This is it? I would've thought that helping your billionaire boss cover up his daughter's murder woulda snagged you a better office. Or at least a plaque.

  • Wiedman: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work and you have to get back to minding your own business. Or do I need to, uh...

    Veronica: No need to call yourself to escort me out. You know I know the drill.

  • Dick: If you drink it, you get a shirt.

    Duncan: Why do I want a Señor Shrimp shirt?

    Dick: It's a shrimp and he's saying "Eat me." It's awesome, we gotta go.

    Weevil: Yeah, bro, make sure you bring cigarettes and toilet paper, 'kay? You're talkin' about visiting your buddy Logan in jail, right?

    Dick: Uh, we were talkin' about Señor Shrimp.

    Weevil: Well, you might wanna drop in anyway, 'cause now they got a witness to your boy killin' Felix and they're gonna hold him. Jail can be scary place for such a...sensitive boy.

    Dick: Wait...did I miss a state proposition or something? Is it now a crime to kill a Mexican?

  • Duncan: So which is a better place: Chasers or Señor Shrimp?

    Veronica: For what? Watching sorority girls stumble?

  • Logan: The best thing about two days in jail? Two days' worth of Ellen on the TiVo. That's sweet viewing.

  • Lamb: That's gonna mess up your TiVo.

  • Douglas: Okay, uh, that's a LeSabre.

    Veronica: What did they call that awesome colour? It was...

    Douglas: White? That's called white.

    Veronica: Yup.

    Douglas: Yeah. That particular car is rented right now, but I can get you a Regal with moonroof in teal for two-fifty a week, not including tax and liability, which'd be a great way to go and see Stain.

    Veronica: Duh. Stain-duh. Gosh, that is more than I thought. Um, you wouldn't happen to have anything more like...forty?

    Douglas: No.

    Veronica: Oh.

  • Veronica: You have to help me.

    Stacy: What's the problem?

    Veronica: Well, to begin with, my colleague is an unbearable Nazi who couldn't find his own ass with a mirror and a miner's hat.

  • Veronica: Actually, there's no "o" in "naughty."

    Manager: It's "knotty" with a "k" like in pine. I-i-it's research.

    Veronica: Knotty schoolgirls. What will they think of next?

    Manager: You want a room? It's thirty bucks a night.

    Veronica: Actually, I'm looking for someone.

    Manager: Well if it's me, congratulations. Otherwise, unless you get lucky at the Gas-N-Sip, your options are pretty limited around here.

  • Manager: So, you did find someone at the Gas-N-Sip. And now you need a room.

    Veronica: Was anyone else in here two nights ago, did you see anyone with her?

    Manager: Why? Is he missin' a friend too?

    Wiedman: Answer the question or I'll break all your fingers.

  • Aaron: Just two chairs? Where's my lawyer going to sit?

    Keith: Oh, it's an unofficial visit. Just me and the guard who will deny I was ever here.

    Aaron: Well, in that case, I hope you won't mind carrying the conversation.

    Keith: No, have it your way. You look good. What do you got goin' on? Some weights, little cardio?

    Aaron: Well, I got a lot of free time. I just got my psychology degree. And now I'm reading the Russian masters. Tolstoy, Tergenev, you know.

  • Keith: I'm here because of my daughter.

    Aaron: Now that's funny: so am I.

  • Aaron: So did you come here today to thank me, Keith? You know, for your fifteen minutes? 'Cause if it wasn't for me, no one would have bought that hack book of yours. Uh...I guess you didn't come to thank me. Maybe, maybe you just came here to gloat, hm? No, that doesn't seem like you much either. Why did you come here?

    Keith: Former employee shows up dead, sabotaged school bus goes over a cliff, and I start to worry about Veronica's safety.

    Aaron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You think I had something to do with the crash? Hoo. Hoo hoo, you are priceless, Keith! You know, did they give you enough press, you'd find a way to put me on the grassy knoll.

    Keith: Truth is, I don't care if you're behind the crash or not. I just want you to know that if anything happens to my daughter in say, the next seventy, eighty years? You're the one who's gonna pay for it.

    Aaron: Now, did you come all the way out here just to give me that tough guy speech?

    Keith: No, I came all the way out here to show how easily I can get to you. So just...file that away.

  • Veronica: Wow. Where'd you learn that interrogation technique?

    Wiedman: Harvard. That's a pretty convincing hysterical routine you got. Where'd you learn that?

    Veronica: Watching cheerleading tryout results.

  • Weevil: What the hell is this?

    Logan: Hm. Esta. Una. What is their word for "paper"?

    Dick: Uh, pay-pair-o.

    Logan: Okay, I'll translate, just don't tell the ESL teacher I helped you cheat. That's an eviction notice.

    Weevil: You bought my grandmother's house?

    Logan: That's right. Su casa is mi casa. But in my defense, Weevil, I do need a new one. You might have heard my former domicile was, uh, burned quite unexpectedly.

    Weevil: If you kick my family out—

    Logan: Oh, have it your way, we'll all live together in one big wacky sitcom family. On second thought, I'm kicking you out. And on third thought, I wouldn't live in that roach motel if you put a gun to my—

  • Coach: School is not the place for this kind of thing.

    Logan: You hear that? School is a place of learning.

    Weevil: Yeah, you might want to think what prison is a place of.

  • Veronica: He's a diplomat's son, Clarence. He'll be extradited to Argentina.

    Wiedman: That depends on what happens at the casino.

    Veronica: What are you gonna do?

    Wiedman: You know the drill, Veronica: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

  • Veronica Voiceover: At least, at the end of the day, I get to curl up with my adorable, honest boyfriend.

    Logan: It's the sweater, isn't it? Chicks can't resist argyle.

    Veronica: Please let go of me.

    Logan: Ever the tease.


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