2.04 "Green-Eyed Monster"
Aired Oct 19, 2005
Keith: You're supposed to be here organizing the office, not soliciting clients. Maybe you haven't noticed, I'm running for sheriff? I can't even get to the cases I already have.
Veronica: Well, maybe I could help. Just with the little stuff, nothing that requires body armor.
Keith: Veronica, you don't work here. You work at Java the Hut.
Veronica: Yeah, that tip money's going to pay for Stanford.
Veronica: Recommendation? Uh, Nick Harris Detectives is always good. If you're looking locally, Vinnie Van Lowe is a respected detective.
Veronica Voiceover: The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.
Julie: Aren't you awfully young to be doing this?
Veronica: It's amazing — I never get tired of that question.
Wallace: Hottest girl in school asked me for some help with her trig, I'm gonna give her a hand.
Alicia: You need help with trig.
Wallace: In fact, I might give her both hands.
Darrell: Are you hittin' that?
Alicia: Knock, knock!
Keith: Tell me that's a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
Alicia: And I almost went for the chicken salad.
Keith: Oh, you just fufilled one of the top ten male fantasies. Oh yeah, guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringin' him a sandwich.
Keith: I was out early doing some surveillance, thought I'd stop by, say hi, and send the Fennel men to school with a belly full of sugar.
Wallace: Keith Mars for sheriff.
Veronica: My dad spend the night at your place?
Veronica: He do the a.m. donut fakeout run?
Wallace: Want one?
Jackie: You really are a basketball star, aren't you? I mean, I'm not just smacking the ass of some Dungeons and Dragons geek, right?
Veronica: Oh, he's a star. Just ask him.
Keith: Smile! Oh, yeah. Work it! Work it! Work it!
Nathan: You're gonna be pullin' that camera outta your —
Keith: Ah, ah. The light's much better where you're standing.
Nathan: Keith Mars. Former sheriff, private detective, author.
Keith: Wow. Carl Morgan. Three years in Lompoc, assault and battery, cocaine possession, intent to sell. We should really give our publicists pats on the back.
Keith: The next time I shoot you, it won't be digitally. Unless I hit you in the finger, then we'll have a big laugh about it.
Nathan: Your old lady took somethin' of mine. I'm not leavin' 'till I get it back.
Keith: She's not my old lady, she's my special lady friend!
Veronica: Julie! Stand down. He's not cheating on you — he's with a rabbi.
Julie: A rabbi? He's not Jewish, I'm Jewish!
Veronica: ...Are you there yet?
Veronica Voiceover: Every day. That's what Meg's dad said. What's Duncan doing at the hospital?
Julie: Do you think he still loves her?
Veronica: I don't know. ...What? Who is this?
Veronica: It's 2:27 in the morning. The Silver package has its perks, but post-midnight girl talk is not one of them.
Julie: What if I get an upgrade? What comes after Silver?
Veronica: Gold, Julie. It's three thousand dollars.
Lamb: Who let you into my office?
Keith: That's funny, I was wondering the same thing. I thought you might want to catch a bad guy or something. That's Carl Morgan, drug dealer, he's currently wanted for questioning in Chicago on an armed robbery.
Lamb: Drug dealer. For me. It's not even my birthday.
Keith: He's buddies with a dealer I'm tracking, there's no bounty on him, nothing in it for me.
Lamb: Mm. Nothing but the joy of giving.
Keith: It's not a present, Sheriff. It's kinda your job. For now, anyway. Hope you're havin' fun.
Weevil: Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the one-eighty-seven. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?
Veronica: You know the deal, cuz. Every time a kiddie cries in this town, one-time tries to put a case on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?
Weevil: You rub my head and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.
Veronica: Where's that disco ball you usually wear?
Weevil: It's probably deep in some chick's shag carpet.
Veronica: You think?
Veronica: 'Cause I'm guessing more like...an evidence bag in the sheriff's office.
Veronica: My question, and I'm betting it's the Sheriff's, is what was your earring doing at the Road Hog, in the last place Curly Moran was seen alive.
Weevil: You know, I don't even know what earring you're talkin' about, so...
Veronica: It's kinda like the one in your yearbook photo. Hmm, sheriff's department speed dial. If this doesn't get me out of that jaywalking ticket...
Weevil: Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?
Veronica: You should really do that anyway.
Jackie: You didn't ask how high.
Jackie: Didn't Goldilocks say "jump?"
Wallace: It is not even like that.
Jackie: What's it like?
Wallace: We're friends, Jackie. If she needs me, I'm gonna come through, just like she would for me.
Jackie: Right. I guess you have different rules here. Where I'm from, the girl who you make out with is the one you do favors for. I may have to have a chat with Miss Pixie Stick.
Wallace: I wouldn't do that. She's not somebody you want to piss off.
Jackie: Neither am I.
Wallace: Do you own those clothes or did you just make a stop at Dirty Co-Eds 'R' Us?
Wallace: See, when you assume, you really just make a ass outta you.
Veronica: Wait, do you have an accent?
Collin: Yeah, I'm Scottish.
Veronica: Really. Like, from Scotland? That's so awesome. Foreign men are so much sexier than regular men.
Veronica: I tried real hard, I just couldn't get the nuts off. I think they're just...too tight. But, I did just put lotion all over my hands so they're kinda slippery.
Veronica: Oh! My girlfriend Paige would love this place. She's not my girlfriend girlfriend, she's just my friend. I mean, we share a dorm room, so...whatever, it's college, right? Oh, she would really love this place. I mean, who wouldn't want to wake up this view? You should really let me know if you ever want to party with us. We're fun. Double the fun.
Collin: Oh, I don't have too many parties. I'm a pretty mellow guy.
Veronica: Really. You seem kind of...I don't know, wild to me, like a caged animal kind of thing.
Collin: You'd have to ask my girlfriend about that. My actual girlfriend. We're not just dormmates, if you get my drift.
Veronica: Somebody's a big movie buff, I see. Quick, favorite movie of all time. Don't think about it, just answer.
Collin: Oh, I don't know. That's...that's a hard one. This really isn't my place, actually, I'm just housesitting for my friend.
Veronica: Your friend a big Nicolas Cage fan?
Collin: My friend is Nic Cage.
Veronica: Really? Nic Cage. That's hot.
Wallace: Uh, hi. Would you like to help the hungry...starving children of...the world?
Collin: I'm sorry, are you selling something?
Wallace: Yes! I am. I'm selling, um...pens and...candy.
Collin: I'll take a couple of boxes of candy.
Wallace: All I got is this box of Ay, Chihuahuas.
Collin: That box is open.
Wallace: You want a couple pens?
Veronica: Have you had dinner?
Duncan: Nah, I'm tired of room service.
Veronica: Then may I suggest dim sum...and then some?
Duncan: What if we start the evening with "and then some" and work our way back to the dim sum?
Veronica: It's officially under consideration. Can I ask you something first?
Duncan: Yes to costumes, no to props. Does that cover it?
Veronica Voiceover: Mental note: don't mention partner's ex-girlfriend if one expects to fool around. And while we're on the subject of men I failed to seduce today, time to see what Collin likes to Google.
Veronica: Oh, sorry, should I hide in the bedroom like a hooker? Perfect!
Lizzie: I don't have the password, but we have to get her personal stuff off this computer and put it back by morning.
Duncan: Okay, so...what do you want me to do?
Lizzie: You're the son of a computer visionary. Can't you do something?
Duncan: I can burn a CD?
Veronica: Hi, Lizzie. ...Okay, so apparently looks really can't kill.
Mac: I have to say, it is a little comforting. I haven't snuck out of my house at 3 a.m. in a while. Nice to know I still have the chops.
Veronica Voiceover: Are you crazy, Duncan? Leaving this out here in the open? Do you leave heroin out when Iggy Pop spends the night?
Keith: I'm thinking I might have a boot for you, too. Any ideas where I can put it?
Lamb: Hey, you started it with your "I found you a wanted man" B.S.
Keith: Here. Can you file this under cases I don't have time for that my disobedient daughter can take behind my back?
Veronica: I'm really sorry.
Keith: For what? Taking the case, or getting caught?
Veronica: Okay, for both. I just thought it was crazy to pass up that amount of money, and I thought I could handle it.
Keith: You always think you can handle it, Veronica! Believe it or not, at eighteen you can't handle everything. And you don't get away with it all, either.
Veronica: I know.
Keith: Whether it's playing I Spy after school or staying out all night at your boyfriend's hotel room. You're just not quite as clever as you think you are.
Julie: You know, you think you're dating Prince Charming. But you're really dating Prince Charming's Kato. I just called him. I ended it. It's over. As soon as he checks his messages.
Veronica: You didn't exactly tell him the truth, either.
Julie: It's one thing to lie and say you're not rich. The other way around is way less cool.
Keith: Mr. Pasquin. Yes, uh, I know, it's been a little busy here. Here we go. ...I'm sorry, sir, it looks like your wife is indeed having an affair. ...Your uncle? Missing persons case. I'm very sorry, sir, it's a little filing mixup. You were stuck inside Mr. Pastorelli's file. Your Uncle Al is alive and well in a retirement home in Waikiki, and as far as I know completely faithful.
Keith: Okay. Maybe I can use your help around the office. A bit.
Veronica: I'm sorry. Come again? ...You're never going to tell me what happend to prompt this, are you?
Keith: Nope. Now, I'm just talking about a little help with research, filing, the phones...
Veronica: I do give good phone.
Keith: Just a couple days a week. And you're keeping your job at the Hut.
Veronica: Course, I'll be needing a raise.
Logan: Okay, God, I just can't take the begging. I'll relent, just once, but, uh, no cuddling after and I won't call you in the morning.
Veronica: Saturday, September 24th, there was a two-minute and twenty-three-second phone call on Weevil's cell phone from your house. The caller claimed that Curly Moran was responsible for the bus crash — the same Curly Moran who's friends with your dad. Any explanation?
Logan: My day is complete! Veronica Mars has accused me of evil. Hm. Where to start? Oh yes: who the hell is Curly Moran? And how do you know he knows my dad and what conspiracy theory have you pulled out of your ass this time?
Logan: I think I do remember that night. That was the night of my "Life's Short" party.
Veronica: Of course. A group of lower-middle-class Neptune High students plummet to their death and the 09ers throw a party.
Logan: Hence the "Life's Short" part. It was in their honor and in the end it wasn't just your social betters. In fact, your pal Weevil and his biker boys crashed it. Oh, and, uh, Lamb and a half-dozen deputies came by to break it up. Or at least collect the kegs.
Veronica: There are five numbers registered to your house. This call came from one I don't recognize.
Logan: Gee willikers, Veronica, it sounds like you're on to something. Maybe the pool boy did it.