2.03 "Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang"
Aired Oct 12, 2005
Veronica Voiceover: Senior year. College applications due in three months, scholarship applications in six. Since most of my extracurricular activities cannot be divulged under state law, my guidance counselor strongly suggested I indulge in a little résumé packing. So as of now, Veronica Mars is a Future Business Leader of America.
Veronica: So who are we exploiting now?
Duncan: The workers.
Big Dick: Here's a chart of our market capitalization versus earnings over the last two years. Now how's that look?
Veronica Voiceover: It looks like it's always looked: the rich get richer, and everybody else hopes for scholarships.
Veronica Voiceover: Ten o'clock, brunch with the girls. Twelve o'clock, pilates class with Lorenzo. And three o'clock, spa reservation for Shiatsu massage, organic enzyme facial and, I'm willing to wager, a sunshine colonic. (sigh) Maybe I should consider a career as a Neptune trophy wife.
Sacks: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.
Veronica: My answer was final: I will not go to prom with him.
Lamb: So I guess you know why you're here. You wanna tell me about it?
Veronica: Okay. I confess. God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crimebusting stare for no apparent reason.
Lamb: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.
Veronica: Well that makes one of us. So are you going to tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly constipated David Caruso?
Lamb: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man?
Veronica: Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for White Snake, I was singing backup for BoyzIIMen. They said it would never work, but —
Lamb: I'm glad that you find this amusing.
Veronica Voiceover: Somewhere, those million chimps with their million typewriters must have finally written King Lear, because Sheriff Lamb is actually right about something.
Alicia: So he was serious about wanting you to run?
Keith: Why not? I'm a good candidate. I've been sheriff before. I know where the office is, I look great in a hat. And I am a local celebrity, you know, with a book currently hovering at number ninety-seven on the New York Times bestseller list.
Alicia: Ninety-seven? So is that good, or bad?
Keith: Well, as we say in the book biz, it's sort of okayish. But they believe in it, so I'll probably be flogging it until someone famouser than Aaron Echolls murders someone.
Keith: They're putting me up at the Rossmore hotel and there's a nightclub at the top with this great jazz place, how great would that...what, I thought you liked jazz? Is it Kenny G, he ruined it for you?
Veronica: Ugh! Child in the room, hands at your sides, please.
Veronica Voiceover: Kendall Lacey Casablancas. Née Lacey Shifflet. Just another Arizona State dropout turned featured music video background dancer turned Laker girl living off a ten thousand dollar a year salary, a purse full of credit cards, and a string of baller boyfriends. Until a twice-divorced white knight swept her away to bimbo paradise. And for a true Hollywood story without the happy ending, David "Curly" Moran: one time stuntman who crashed his career in the '80s. Just remember kids, crystal meth and precision driving don't mix.
Veronica Voiceover: A compelling life story, to be sure, but what does any of it have to do with me? And why would this man have my name magic markered across his hand? Did I get really drunk at a biker bar?
Keith: So what's up, kiddo?
Veronica: None of your beeswax. ...All right, I'll show you. But, you're going to have to answer a couple of my questions first. [Keith pounds his chest] Sit down, King Kong. So, now that you've filed the official divorce papers for Mom...are you taking Wallace's mom to Chicago to propose to her?
Veronica: Don't think I won't rifle through your luggage for that ring.
Keith: There is no ring.
Veronica: Promise bracelet? Pre-engagement pendant? Earrings? Anything that according to the hip-hop cognoscente can be qualified as bling?
Keith: Honey, can't a guy just take his special lady friend on a romantic —
Keith: Veronica, I promise, as soon as Alicia and I know what the next step is, you'll know what it is. Okay?
Veronica: Okay. Then I have something to admit: I...love unicorns. What? Dad, girls are crazy about unicorns!
Wallace: What're you lookin' at?
Wallace: ...What're you lookin' at now?
Veronica: The opposite of tawdriness. Wallace and his pudding cup.
Wallace: You met Jackie, right?
Veronica: I didn't realize you were lunch buddies.
Wallace: I'm going for lunch buddies with priveleges. Help a brother out.
Veronica: Well if you want to play in her league, you'd better hide your little pudding.
Wallace: Hey. I like her, okay? Retract claws.
Veronica: Claws? What claws?
Cassidy: This isn't enough. They could be doing anything behind that door.
Veronica: Oh, you sweet, simple boy.
Mr. Pope: Congratulations FBLAers, you are now worth exactly one million dollars!
Logan: What? You mean I've lost money? Heads will roll.
Mr. Pope: Now, you may invest your money any way you see fit, as long as it's legal.
Dick: Dude, dog racing is totally legal.
Mr. Pope: But hardly lucrative, as I recall from your performance last year. The student with the most valuable holdings at the closing bell on June 1st will claim a prize more valuable than money: a small shiny plaque with his or her name on it and all attendant bragging rights.
Logan: How much real money did you make?
Mr. Pope: Suffice to say, uh, precisely enough to retire in exactly nine months.
Dick: Dad's pulling in a 35% returns? Dude, I'm the one that's retiring.
Mr. Pope: I'll alert the dog track.
Mr. Pope: I would've retired earlier, but actually, the, uh, the restoration's been tricky. We had to re-seal the hull twice.
Logan: Didn't plug her right the first time, huh?
Duncan: Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly.
Logan: My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.
Duncan: Veronica, it's no big deal. Just what guys do sometimes.
Veronica: I don't think Colin Firth gets into these pointless fisticuffs. A pistol duel, maybe, but...
Veronica Voiceover: How can Jackie stand the non-stop excitement of being herself?
Veronica: Are you sure there's not a more "you" kinda girl at Neptune?
Wallace: So, what, you think she's out of my league? You think I'm too small time for a girl like that?
Veronica: Wallace, no, that's not what I mean.
Wallace: Then what did you mean?
Veronica Voiceover: What did you mean, Veronica?
Veronica: I mean, I you're out of her league. But if you want to slum it a bit, maybe I'll help her out with you. I used to have an in with Wallace Fennel. I could put in a good word.
Wallace: We should get together on Friday and finish it. I hear there's a bitchin' chase scene at the end.
Alicia: So what do you think the kids are doing right now?
Keith: As long as they're not in jail or setting anything on fire, I kinda don't care.
Alicia: Do you really want it back? The sheriff, all the politics?
Keith: Yeah, I do. I like being that guy. I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. I mean, she's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth-heads into the back of the car.
Jackie: Hey, Veronica.
Veronica: Hey, Jackie. And...random dude.
Kendall: "Veronica"? Is my little boy cheating on me?
Logan: It's just someone from school.
Kendall: Ooh, a schoolgirl.
Kendall: Should we invite her over? I got a boy toy; a girl toy might spice things up a little.
Logan: I can handle the spice department, thank you very much.
Veronica: I love what you've done with the place.
Logan: Yeah. Yeah, now you know what you were missing.
Veronica: Is your girlfriend still here?
Logan: Girlfriend? Girlfriend, uh, you have to be a little more specific.
Veronica: Let me clarify: the one whose husband is gonna break you in half when he finds out that his son's old Cub Scout camperee buddy is secretly plowing his wife.
Logan: Aha. That one is less a girlfriend and more a...playmate. Kind of.
Veronica: I hope you're scared on the inside, Logan. What if I had been Mr. Casablancas? What would you have done then, huh? Just standing here in your towel and your room still reeking of bimbo?
Logan: I suppose I woulda had some 'splainin' to do.
Logan: Uh, if this is what you call storming out, I'm not sure you understand the concept.