2.02 "Driver Ed"
Aired Oct 05, 2005
Veronica Voiceover: If a school bus, traveling forty miles per hour, drives off a cliff and plunges ninety feet into the jagged coastline, how many seconds did the six high school students, their teacher, and bus driver have to contemplate the fact that they're about to die? Two Mississipis' worth of screams, life flashes, and prayers, maybe? But if anyone used that time to make a deal with his maker, only one of them was heard.
Jackie: When you guys are done breaking up, can I get a macchiato?
Veronica: I'm actually just the hostess, but I —
Jackie: Look, I don't care if you're the house magician, can you just make me a macchiato?
Veronica: You're a macchiato.
Jessie: You know who I am, right?
Veronica: I do.
Jessie: Just out of curiosity, did you know who I was last week?
Jessie: Your dad drives one bus off a cliff, and your days of being under the radar are over.
Veronica: I'm sorry, did you want something?
Jessie: Yeah, so...I need proof that my father didn't kill himself. I have a mother, and a little brother, and we've become accustomed to having a place to live and, like, food.
Jessie: I guess my dad doesn't rate a votive candle.
Veronica: This doesn't mean anything.
Jessie: Come on. If you were on that bus, you would want your pile to be the biggest.
Woody: Sportsmanship. That's what it's all about, isn't it? It's what separates us from the animals. That and, uh...opposable thumbs.
Keith: I can't imagine where I'd be if you had gotten back on that bus.
Veronica: You'd be sad for a while, and then you'd probably turn my room into some sort of sewing nook or yoga studio.
Keith: You don't have to make a joke, you know.
Veronica: Sure I do.
Duncan: You've been listening to Radiohead, haven't you? That's it. I'm putting you on a strict Nelly diet.
Jackie: I think you missed the boat on the "watching me sleep" years.
Jackie: Thanks for taking me. I don't know what I would have done. This school is sooooo big.
Wallace: You know, I'm just trying to be a nice guy.
Jackie: How's that working out for you?
Wallace: I'm getting about three hallways' worth of quality time. I'm gonna say it's going pretty good.
Jackie: Look, I haven't dated a guy in high school since the eighth grade.
Wallace: I'm an old soul. Seriously, these eyes have seen things. Did I mention I'm a nice guy?
Jackie: Ah, "nice." The great pantydropper!
Wallace: Okay, I'm not that nice.
Jackie: Oh, yes you are.
Wallace: How do you know?
Jackie: 'Cause, I haven't tried to make out with you yet.
Wallace: Oh, you're one of those. Only like the bad boys. Why do all the hottest girls always have a daddy complex?
Jackie: Daddy complex?
Wallace: What? I was kidding.
Jackie: I met you about three seconds ago and you've already got me analyzed. Get over yourself.
Wallace: Jackie, I'm sorry, I was kidding.
Jackie: A "Whatever, bitch" and a 180 back to study hall and we could have had something.
Logan: Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth-period English.
Kendall: Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an ick factor.
Logan: Is that so?
Kendall: Yeah. School in general, not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty schoolgirl uniform. Then it's very hot.
Logan: I'm sure it would be, for the three seconds you had it on.
Kendall: You know, you're my first younger guy.
Logan: Oh. It is an honor and a privilege.
Beaver: Hey, uh, why is Logan's truck in the driveway?
Kendall: Uh, because there's water in the pool? He's upstairs waiting for you. You know, and I'd really rather your friends not just show up whenever they want. I'm not running an orphanage here!
Logan: Dude, why is your stepmom such a bitch? I mean, seriously, a guy asks for one sandwich...
Big Dick: Hey, Logan. How's everything going?
Logan: Rrreally well. Thanks for asking, Mr. C, and you?
Big Dick: Excellent.
Logan: See, you had to one-up me.
Big Dick: Listen, don't worry about Mrs. Casablancas. You're welcome here any time. You like to bust chops, I respect that.
Logan: Hmm, thanks.
Big Dick: Yeah. Dick Junior and I are going over to the firing range tomorrow. Interest you in a little target practice?
Logan: As long as I'm not the target.
Beaver: Okay, so I guess I'll just stay here and knit something.
Wallace: Whatcha doin'?
Veronica: Remembering why I'm a misanthrope.
Duane: Let me ask you a question: do I look fat to you? 'Cause I was watchin' it on the news, and I was like, "Damn, I look fat." Then I read something online, says like, the camera adds ten pounds so I was thinking maybe it was that. But just in case I started a diet regimen this morning.
Veronica: I'm kind of into the macabre.
Duane: Yeah, you're one of those freaky sex-and-death type kids, aren't you? We've been getting a lot in here lately. Boss tells me to throw 'em out, but I'm like, "No way, man, Goth money spends just as well as...uh...non-Goth money," so. But if we've been getting a lot of Munsters in here, I'd say that you're the Marilyn, hon, 'cause you're...pretty.
Duane: Let me tell you something, if I was gonna do a kamikaze, you know, off a bridge with a bus full of kids and stuff, a convenience store would not be the site of my last meal. I'd wanna...I'd wanna eat something on the brink of extinction, you know, like the last emu. Or meerkat. I bet they'd go down smooth.
Duane: Be careful going around those cliffs. Don't pull a Bussy, please. You're too cute to die.
Veronica: Either I am getting stealthier or your hearing is not what it used to be.
Veronica: I have excellent time management skills, I'm also great with people, and I have a very soothing phone voice.
Sacks: You're serious?
Veronica: As a code three on a one eighty-seven in a res dist.
Student: This chick just came out of nowhere, slammed into it. Just pow!
Wallace: You know who it was?
Student: Some blonde chick. She had a nice ass, but I'd never seen her before.
Wallace: See, but now if that's all you got, I gotta go look at every decent-assed blonde chick in the school.
Sacks: You'll never guess who's in the interrogation room right now filling out an application.
Lamb: You're right, I'll never guess. Who?
Sacks: Veronica Mars.
Lamb: ...You let Veronica Mars in there alone?
Lamb: What are you up to, Veronica?
Veronica: The last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly, and really tell me the truth: how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? Seriously. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near?
Wallace: Wallace Fennel is on the case. You know what that means?
Jackie: That Wallace Fennel wants to get in my pants.
Wallace: And? What else?
Jackie: That's all I've got.
Wallace: It's already solved.
Big Dick: Well, it's a good way to let off some steam, but when you're at the point where you want to shoot someone, you want to take them down, you don't want to wing 'em. Heart, and head. That's where it counts.
Logan: Ain't that the truth.
Big Dick: You need focus. Precision. The ability to only think about the task at hand. When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful?
Logan: Mmm, no.
Big Dick: It's not. Because when I'm with my family, work doesn't exist.
Logan: I think my father has a similar philosophy. Yeah. Of course, he's a murderer, so...yeah.
Logan: Dude, have you forgotten? I live alone.
Dick: Yeah, but only psycho chicks want to go to Casa de Killer.
Veronica: If I die unexpectedly, do me a favor. Go on Oprah, and tell the world I loved kittens.
Carla: You look just like your picture.
Jessie: That's why they call them pictures.
Duncan: [girly voice] What are you thinking?
Veronica: [deep voice] You know, I was trying to remember the over-under on the Ohio State-Texas game. [pretends to spit]
Woman's Voice: Ooooh. Ooohhh! Ooohhhh!
Veronica: What is that? ...Ohhhhh.
Duncan: Maybe we did it wrong. Uh, so...what's the protocol here? Do I bang my fist on the wall, call the front desk?
Veronica: Attempt to out-moan them?
Duncan: There's really only one thing to do. SpectraVision. Loud.
Logan: Hmm. What's different about you? Did you cut your hair or something? FYI, if the cuddling is the best part, he didn't do it right.
Duncan: Why didn't you wake me?
Veronica: I have about fifteen minutes 'til my dad activates the homing device in my molar.
Reporter: You have my spark plugs?
Wallace: You have your insurance information?
Wallace: Chances of her knowing how to replace a spark plug?
Jackie: Chances of me running into her in the girls' locker room and unleashing my own brand of justice?
Wallace: Slim. She doesn't go here; she's a reporter. Think Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. ...Hey, if Drew's in it, I've seen it.
Veronica: Um...who was that kissing you?
Wallace: That was Jackie.
Veronica Voicever: Okay. I know my father is a brilliant detective with a keen intuition and a finely-tuned B.S. detector, but there is no way he can tell that I've had sex. Right?