1.16 "Betty and Veronica"

Aired Mar 29, 2005


  • Veronica Voiceover: I should have left right from the dance, but I didn't want my mother to see me for the first time in a year looking like an extra from Valley Girl. It seemed important at the time.

  • Wallace: Now that was just pret-ty. Respect the jumper, Jack. Respect. The. Jumper. Kid's got range.

    Jack: Enjoy this moment, 'cause it's over now.

    Wallace: Got space and opportunity.

    [Wallace sinks the shot]

    Wallace: Ooo. Is that your jock back there?

    Veronica: Do you need to jump back and kiss yourself? 'Cause I can wait.

  • Veronica: They like you! They really like you!

  • Nadine: Hi, Wallace.

    Wallace: Hi.

    Veronica: Who's the hoochie?

    Wallace: Nadine? She's in our grade. See, you need to socialize more, that's your problem.

    Veronica: Wait. That's my problem?

    Wallace: Yeah, I know. This school hasn't always been great to you.

    Veronica: The gentleman does have the gift for the understatement.

  • Clemmons: Veronica. My office. Now.

    Veronica: I love this school.

  • Clemmons: When we arrived this morning, we discovered that Polly was gone.

    Veronica: Missing, or...ffft?

    Clemmons: Missing!

    Veronica: Someone stole our mascot? Well, let's get to it. You "know" it was me and I know it wasn't and now I'm suspended or expelled, tarred, feathered...

  • Clemmons: We don't really have the money to hire a professional, but I have noticed that you have certain...skills.

  • Clemmons: And what do you normally charge for something like this?

    Veronica: A lot. Yeah, it's gonna set you back.

    Clemmons: How far back?

    Veronica: Personal letter of recommendation; I'll write it, you'll sign it. My own parking space and...a different locker, preferably in the east hall.

    Clemmons: The letter and the locker. Fine. But you're not getting your own parking space.

    Veronica: Can you get me out of PE?

    Clemmons: No.

    Veronica: How about a few excused absences?

    Clemmons: How about one?

    Veronica: I'm thinking three.

    Clemmons: Miss Mars...

    Veronica: You're the one with the missing bird.

    Clemmons: Fine. Two.

  • Wallace: I must say, I'm a little touched. You picked the locker next to mine.

    Veronica: This is prime real estate. Wallace Fennel-adjacent?

    Wallace: I'm tellin' you, this school is so much better than my old one. Look at this.

    Veronica: Wow, your own cookies?

    Wallace: Snickerdoodles. And they just appear in my locker, just like that. Open my locker, bam! Homemade cookies. And that's not all.

    Veronica: A peeled grape?

    Wallace: "Go Wallace. We love you. You rock."

    Veronica: Wow, a snack and an ego stroke. I wish I was a baller.

  • Duncan: Great game the other night, man! Eighteen points, eight assists.

    Wallace: On the streets we call those dimes.

    Veronica: Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

  • Wallace: I was gonna go hang out with some of the guys on the team at lunch.

    Veronica: And ruin the sanctity of our lunch duo? You know that'll send me crying to the bathroom.

  • Veronica/Betty: a master at the undercover work. Anyone who reads Archie comics would see through her disguise.

    Veronica Voiceover: Go to any high school in America and you can tell who the popular kids are. They travel in packs of the biggest, the shiniest, and the prettiest, and much like wolves, they're always on the lookout for new meat.

    Richie: Got some room over here!

    Veronica Voiceover: Whoever said it's a man's world had no idea how easy it is sometimes to be a girl.

  • Veronica: I love basketball! I'm kind of a freak when it comes to sports, I totally get into it.

    Richie: Are we talking face painting?

    Veronica: Face painting, hair streaked the color of the school. At my old school, I was horny! ...We were the Rhinos. I, I was the mascot.

    Richie: And what school was that?

    Veronica: Riverdale.

    Richie: ...Never heard of it.

  • Richie: Whoever stole it is my hero. Neptune High sucks. Believe me.

    Veronica: Oh, I do.

  • Kid: Hey Richie! You're not gonna believe this, they got our goat!

    Richie: What?

    Kid: Neptune, man, they stole Billy!

  • Veronica Voiceover: A day in the life of the human Google. Always in search mode.

  • Leo: Just so you know, in my mind, that daydream was about me.

    Veronica: Oh yeah?

    Leo: I was a little surprised you had me in full armor but, whatever.

  • Veronica: Listen, I'm sending you a picture. ...You wish. What are you doing later? Ever hear of rest stop fifteen? ...Why doesn't that surprise me?

  • Weevil: Hey there, buddy. Lookin' for love in all the wrong places?

    Wilson: Me? I'm no one.

    Weevil: Where's the bird, Wilson? I'm nearly bursting with Pirate pride here. Weevil wanna punch a cracker.

    Wilson: What bird?

    Weevil: You wanna think about that answer, man?

    Wilson: All right, look, I know what you're talking about, but I didn't take the parrot, I swear to God.

    Weevil: Someone's going to H-E-double hockey sticks!

  • Weevil: Wait a minute. You went to a pet store and took a picture of yourself with a parrot so people would think you were cool?

    Wilson: Yeah. All right?

    Weevil: That's this close to taking a hot cousin to your prom. Go home.

  • Weevil: No more favors for you. Now I gotta feel bad for this kid.

    Veronica: If it's any consolation, I hate myself.

  • Jock: Hey! Are you the guy?

    Weevil: Probably.

    Jock: Hey, can you put me down for a hundred on Neptune? Hey, Betty.

    Weevil: Why don't you excuse us...Betty. We're doin' some business here.

    Last episode, Meg was pretty in pink. This episode, Veronica is. Methinks Rob likes pink. Or possibly eighties references.
  • Leo: I hate to bribe you but I'm fairly certain that aiding and abetting qualifies me for a dinner date.

    Veronica: Actually, it qualifies you for dinner and a movie, but you undershot, so...

    Leo: Damn!

  • Wallace: Why are you following me?

    Veronica: You say following, I say taking a walk with a friend. I'm just curious to know where you're going with the apple, the potato chips, and the raisins.

    Wallace: Forgot about that third eye.

    Veronica: So, whatcha up to?

    Wallace: Trust me, you do not want to know.

    Veronica: Oh, I hate to know things. Please tell me that's not filled with Polish hookers.

  • Veronica: You stole a goat?

    Wallace: They stole our parrot. Matter of principle. Unlike you, I have some school pride.

    Veronica: And a goat crapping apples in the back of your buddy's van. Congratulations.

  • At least BSG Billy didnt have to deal with Billy the Goat- wait Billy goat? I get it!

    Wallace: This was Jack's idea. I don't even know how I got stuck with the damn thing. I had it in the guest house and it ate everything: the rug, the sofa, my Air Jordans.

    Veronica: And he lived to tell the tale?

    Wallace: I don't know what to do with it. It's driving me crazy.

    Veronica: Bad kidnapped goat!

  • Duncan: I think she's one of those SAAC girls.

    Veronica: Yeah, that's gonna need a little further explanation.

    Duncan: Uh, Students Against Animal Cruelty. They threw the bucket of blood on the homecoming queen a couple of years ago for wearing fur.

    Veronica: Bucket of blood. Have we learned nothing from Carrie?

  • Veronica: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?

    Wallace: Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?

  • Veronica: Arriana? Hi. I just wanted to let you know, I really liked your letter.

    Arriana: Really.

    Veronica: Yeah, really.

    Arriana: I'm sorry. I have a hard time believing that someone who let a cow die so she could wear butch boots cares about a parrot.

    Veronica: My boots aren't butch.

  • Weevil: You know, I always knew you had a thing for me, but I never thought you wanted me for my brain.

    Veronica: I'm gagging on the inside.

  • Meg: I want everything to be okay between us.

    Veronica: It is. We just...we run in different circles.

    Meg: It doesn't have to be like that.

    Veronica: It does. I'm not programmed to forgive and forget. I can't just start chumming around with people who have ignored and mocked me for a year. That's just not me.

    Meg: Well, maybe we can have our own circle without them.

    Veronica: Maybe.

  • Veronica: Well, whoever they are, they've done a stellar job at concealing their identity. Jacket, mask, gloves, no visible "Hello my name is" sticker...

  • Veronica: Richie, you are a really great guy and if the popular kids at this school were half as nice as you are, I'd want to be popular. I know that sounds weird but it's a huge compliment. So, good luck tonight. You're gonna need it. Wallace Fennel has a killer crossover, but it's really his sweetness and purity of spirit that makes him unbeatable.

    Kid: What did she just say to you?

    Richie: Beats the hell out of me.

  • Veronica: You better warm up, Fennel.

    Wallace: You got Polly back?

    Veronica: I kinda rock.

  • Veronica is a Girls Girl, just like Arnold is a Mans Man. Okay, I have no idea what Im talking about, just shut me up right now before I go on any further and embarass myself and this alt-tag ends up longer than the actual quote. Whew. Im done. The end.

    Veronica Voiceover: Ah, the big game. Another high school high that makes me want to eat rocks. Being surrounded by screaming, foam-fingered spirit freaks who hate me hardly sounds thrilling, but for Wallace, this is his shining moment. So what's it gonna be, girlie girl?

-persnicketier, misskiwi

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