1.14 "Mars vs. Mars"
Aired Feb 15, 2005
Veronica: What about the woman who saw her jump? It's been on every channel.
Logan: Well, if she's on the TV, she must be telling the truth.
Veronica: Do something for me?
Wallace: Let me guess...borrow her permanent file.
Veronica: I remember when you were new and eager to please. Good times.
Wallace: Carrie's file. If you are caught with this, I will disavow any knowledge of you or your mission. You'll be on your own.
Veronica: Don't worry. I've got a cyanide capsule in a false tooth. If I'm caught, I'll do the honorable thing.
Wallace: It's been a privilege knowing you, Mars.
Veronica: And you know that eyewitness that's been clogging up the airwaves?
Logan: Yeah. Opportunistic hag.
Veronica: That's the one. Well she's giving a statement at the sheriff's department tomorrow. I'll drop by, see if she's up for a chat.
Logan: Well I'll go with you.
Veronica: Actually, despite popular opinion, you really can't beat the truth out of someone.
Logan: Listen, I'm going.
Veronica: You're not.
Logan: 'Kay, what are you gonna stop me with?
Veronica: Force of will, strength of character, tenacity, karate chop?
Veronica: We should do this more often.
Veronica: Down, boy. Relax, I've got it covered. [into microphone] White trash walkin'.
Logan: So, what? You couldn't get on Springer this week, so you make lies up about my mom?
Logan: You know, I am sure the trailer payments must be high, and what with the high price of Spam these days....
Veronica: I know all of this because I have done everything I could to get to the truth, including using you, and I'm really sorry about that. But I used you then fell for you, not the other way around
Leo: You fell for me?
Veronica: She must be going through a shy phase.
Mr. Rooks: Not really. She's usually pretty gregarious. She must really dislike you.
Veronica: There's a club she can join.
Veronica: She's adorable.
Mr. Rooks: Ah, if you get past her megalomania and reactionary politics.
Veronica: So? That doesn't prove anything. I could write down that I met Kid Rock every weekend at the Hedonism Lodge for sensual massage and smoothies, but that doesn't make it true.
Keith: I did a cross-check of Rooks' credit card history. The charges match Carrie's diary.
Veronica: She could have followed him.
Keith: Sweetie, it's very specific. And I don't want you seeing Kid Rock.
Veronica: [on the phone] Hi, this is Veronica Mars. I was wondering if I could get in to see the doctor some time this week. End of the day would be best. I have...band practice after school.
Receptionist: How's five o'clock?
Veronica: Five is great. Thanks.
Logan: I'm no doctor, but I'm, uh, pretty sure penicillin will clear that problem right up.
Logan: There's a woman who saw my mom get out of her car and get in a van with a mysterious stranger.
Veronica: There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.
Logan: What, so the girl with the pig arm can't really bowl?
Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Logan: I am not paying you to worry about my hopes. I'm paying you to follow leads.
Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me.
Logan: This isn't a favor, it's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets.
Veronica: I'll stop braiding.
Veronica: Is that lasagna I smell?
Keith: Keith Mars' secret recipe.
Veronica: You double the cheese. Your secret is out. You're making salad? I know pity cooking when I see it.
Keith: Hey, Honey. What have you been up to?
Veronica: Tell me where to put your Father of the Year trophy. 'Cause there's someplace I'd like to put it.
Keith: Wow. Good thing I didn't go with the bear trap.
Keith: Honey, you don't have to get all blue in the face.
Veronica: Oh, you're patronizing me?
Keith: To be fair, I am your patron.
Weevil: If you're lookin' for my trophy, it's back by auto shop.
Veronica: Lube job? Or...can you medal in stealing hubcaps?
Weevil: Is this 1970? Rims, baby.
Veronica: So you got a trophy for a rim job?
Weevil: Forget it. Look, I got some information for you.
Veronica: Finally, a Deep Throat to call my own.
Weevil: I'm not gonna touch that one.
Veronica: Why were you fired from your last job?
Mr. Rooks: How on Earth do you know —
Veronica: I just do.
Mr. Rooks: Wow. Maybe I should give more credence to the teacher's lounge gossip. Colleagues said you were...unique. Gifted? Unsettling?
Veronica: I was hoping for "delightful," but what can you do?
Mr. Rooks: I had the temerity to suggest that U.S. imperialism wasn't necessarily a good thing. They thought I was trying to turn their daughters into little beret-wearing, clove-smoking Bolsheviks.
Veronica: Were you?
Mr. Rooks: Niet!
Carrie: He says "baby" a lot when he touches you. His sheets are black. Silk. His mood music is side two of The Rolling Stones' Tattoo You. He'll tear up as he tells you the story of his ex-wife leaving him. You'll turn to jelly.
Veronica: Yeah, I have that same Sweet Valley High book.
Veronica: The problem with that story is that you were at an overnight track meet in Sacramento that weekend. You were part of the winning 1600-meter relay. People say you're fast.
Veronica Voiceover: One problem with doctors, besides their fetish for making you wait half-naked in cold rooms, is they won't just let you ransack their files even if you ask real nice. So someone like me has to resort to methods the insurance companies would probably not support.
Veronica: Okay, yes, I am petite. And it does come in handy every now and then.
Mrs. Fuller: I have three new messages.
Mr. Rooks: Can you read them out loud?
Mrs. Fuller: The first one says "True Pirates share their booty." The second, "I'll be your little spoon." And finally, "Vice Principals make the best lovers."
Hart: Did you see it?
Logan: Yeah, it sucks. And?
Veronica: This footage better never make it out into public consumption.
Weevil: Don't worry about my boy Hart. He knows if that happens, his last movie will be a snuff film. And he'll star in it.
Abel: So, what would you like to know now, Veronica Mars, intrepid girl reporter?
Veronica: Nothing. This time I just want you to know what I know.