1.09 "Drinking the Kool-Aid"
Aired Nov 30, 2004
Veronica: Ms. Murphy, when was Book Week?
Mrs. Murphy: Wow, now there's an attitude I like to see in our post-literate age.
Veronica: Did you see a doctor?
Keith: Honey, it's fine. Chicks dig scars.
Veronica: What is your deal? You're jacked up like some hillbilly kid who just stumbled into daddy's meth lab.
Keith: Come on, you've wanted one of these things since like you were five years old.
Veronica: I also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Z-bots.
Keith: You asked me — no, you begged me for a waterbed like four years in a row. It was your obsession.
Veronica: Uh huh. It's all coming back to me now. The way you explained it, Santa was cool with the basic concept but had grave doubts about second floor deployment.
Keith: That well-known bedrock pragmatism of elvish culture.
Veronica: Yard sale, right? Ten bucks, maybe?
Veronica: It's okay. You forgot to remove the masking tape price tag sticker. Besides, our money situation being what it is, I'm glad you didn't blow your wad on a whim gift for me.
Keith: Well, you'll be even gladder to know I got it as a throw-in with some old Gordon Lightfoot LPs.
Keith: This is so endearing. My badass action-figure daughter is afraid to draw a teensy little drop of blood.
Veronica: He joined a cult? What do they worship? Wedgies? Keggers? Their parents' platinum cards?
Wallace: Hacky-sack: the final arena of unquestioned white domination.
Darcy: He even started working for the literary magazine. I mean, this is the same guy who's been downloading every writing assignment since the seventh grade. He used to think Cliff's Notes were for the intellectual posers.
Veronica Voiceover: The attributes and style of crap teen poetry. Must be written in a funky color of ink. Must include dominant themes of alienation, sexual ambivalence, self-loathing, death, et cetera.
Veronica: You're an ex-cop. You know gangland enforcer types. Can't you find someone to intimidate the maintenance supe into fixing the hot water problem?
Holly: You should take some time later, wander around and get a feel for the place. Just stay out of the barn. You do not want to go in there, trust me.
Veronica Voiceover: Hey, way to throw me off your trail, Holly. "Wander freely, don't go in the barn whatever you do?" Maybe I should play this needy, despondent waif card more often.
Veronica Voiceover: Forbidden barn? Check. Implied polygamy? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult.
Veronica Voiceover: I knew I should have included a few discreet lesbian overtones in that poem.
Rain: We find our satisfaction in realizing the visions of chef Django here.
Django: The secret ingredient's love.
Veronica: I don't think I asked what you guys were growing.
Rain: I guess you could say it's the ultimate cash crop.
Veronica Voiceover: Yahtzee.
Veronica Voiceover: Enough, already with this mellow "Incense and Peppermints" vibe. Let's break out the mushrooms and dance naked! Strap on the goat skull headgear, sacrifice a few infants. Come on, people, you're cultists. Start acting like it.
Veronica Voiceover: Wow. It's Bizarro world. Out here I'm Miss Popular.
Veronica Voiceover: Do not roll your eyes, Veronica. You're undercover.
Veronica Voiceover: I was just reading in last month's Koreshian Bride that four out of five cult leaders like their handmaidens nubile, flighty, and teetering on the edge of a breakdown.
Keith: You're covered in mud.
Veronica: See? That's why you make the big bucks.
Veronica Voiceover: But if I am an heiress, as God is my witness I'll never take cold showers again.
Veronica: I'm so ashamed of myself for my meltdown last night. I was a rampaging jackass.
Casey: Have you forgotten who you're talking to? I'm Casey Gant, okay? I wrote the jackass Bible, the jackass Qur'an, the jackass Talmud.
Josh: I'm not judging you, I'm just saying what you already know.
Veronica Voiceover: That fake fur was a poor choice to infiltrate utopia?
Josh: Now, you might want to consider...opening yourself up. Letting other people inside.
Veronica Voiceover: "Let other people inside"? Got anyone particular in mind? Maybe if I discreetly flash Mr. Taser...
Veronica Voiceover: You're saying you don't want my money, you don't want my body, you don't want me working in your ganja fields, you just want me to be happy. Strange.
Veronica: Heard anything incriminating yet?
Keith: Nope. It's like listening to The Brady Bunch with a reggae soundtrack.
Wallace: Sounds to me, Veronica, like you've been drinking the Kool-Aid.
Veronica: I have not.
Wallace: You better recognize.
Veronica: Thank you for being my own personal Springer audience. Should I check myself before I wreck myself?
Wallace: All I'm saying is, is you may be getting a little soft.
Keith: Once you get past all the '60s theme park trappings, that community's a lot more wholesome and functional than, just for example, Neptune is.
Duncan: What's this? "Free Crab Rangoon with purchase of Happy Family Dinner at Wok 'n' Roll." Phat. Don't think I didn't notice the sacrifice.
Veronica Voiceover: I sent off for those test results because I wanted the truth. But can a lab test really see the shape of my soul in a drunken conga line of genes? Jake Kane could be my father. But whether he is or isn't, would I really claim him as such and deny the man who raised me?