1.08 "Like a Virgin"

Aired Nov 23, 2004


  • Veronica: Can I get you some coffee? A donut? Baked good of some sort?

    Cliff: Aren't we pleasant. You're not going to try to sell me a raffle ticket, are you?

    Veronica: Close. I want you to get me onto death row to meet with Abel Koontz.

    Cliff: You crazy kids! The stuff you're into. Hula hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death row inmates...what's it gonna be next month?

  • Cliff: Dershowitz, Cochrane, and Shapiro were offering up their limbs, and he comes here for representation. I failed criminal law and I still know that can't be good.

  • Veronica: Sometimes people find it very difficult to say "no" to me.

  • Veronica: Well, does this towel make me look fat?

  • Meg: I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry.

    Veronica: No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.

  • Meg: What'd you score?

    Cole: Uh...ninety-one.

    Dick: Dude. Snow White took it and scored an eighty-nine.

  • Duncan: All right, Cole. Kissin' on the lips now.

    Cole: Ugh. Somebody describe second base to me? Tell me what it's like. Is it beautiful there?

  • Veronica: Twenty seconds, baby.

    Wallace: You're this excited about the super featherweight crown.

    Veronica: I know, I'm usually so passive. But our bond grows stronger every day, He Who Has Satellite Dish.

  • Veronica: Wow. You are thirty percent danger-loving, girl-touching rock star!

    Wallace: More like one point away from being cool.

    Veronica: Here. Happy now?

    Alicia: Wallace. Can I talk to you for a moment?

    Veronica: That had to be worth at least two points.

  • Wallace: That's crazy. You could go on here and buy anyone's test?

    Veronica: I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda can't wait for school tomorrow.

  • Veronica: Meg, you're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We'll clear your name and make somebody pay.

    Meg: Really?

    Veronica: Unless there's a fairy godmother already on it.

  • Veronica: Is there any way to convert cipher text to plain text without initial knowledge of the crypto-algorithms?

    Teacher: Excuse me?

    Veronica: I'm trying to figure out how someone could have overridden the control framework on the school server in order to access everyone's password. Can you help me?

    Teacher: Yeah, uh, in real life, I'm actually a gym teacher.

  • Mac: I don't know why I bother locking it in the first place. It barely runs. Mostly I just keep it around for status.

    Veronica: Fo' shizzle. Check out the LeBaron.

    Mac: Stylin'!

  • Wallace: Why are you holding your hands like that?

    Veronica: So that one day in your memoirs, you'll describe me as "inscrutable."

    Wallace: I was leaning more towards "bonkers."

    Veronica: I'll take what I can get.

  • Veronica: She won't mind, I promise. We're like total BFFs.

    René: I...don't know what that means.

  • Veronica: Life is so not a cabaret.

    Meg: I can't take this. This is too much. Everyone thinks I'm the biggest slut in school.

    Veronica: We...well, second biggest.

  • Veronica Voiceover: I admit it, I splurged and spent ten bucks to read my own purity test. Apparently I've pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.

  • Veronica: My old password was gj7b!x.

    René: Well, try and make this one a little big tougher.

  • Wallace: I just about murked my mom's crazy no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.

    Veronica: That guy's sleazy, so I hope "murked" means something bad.

  • Mrs. Murphy: Veronica. You seem to be in a sharing mood. Why don't you tell us your position on this?

    Dick: All fours?

  • Duncan: So now it comes out: Meg was one of those Britney Spears virgins, huh?

  • Cole: Meg always said you were immature.

    Lizzie: Funny. According to her purity test, you were always premature.

  • Keith: I didn't want to overstep.

    Veronica: Overstepping is your main form of transportation.

  • Wallace: My mom thinks I'm staying at Norman's house.

    Veronica: Who's Norman?

    Wallace: Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, Eagle Scout, mama's boy friend.

    Veronica: He sounds boring for an imaginary friend.

    Wallace: Mom seems to like him.

  • Mac: You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are, just...different way.

  • Veronica: Am I naked? Because in my nightmares I'm usually naked.

  • Veronica Voiceover: And while there's nothing more satisfying than solving a case, there's something seedy in being the interruptus in someone else's coitus.

  • Veronica: Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off?

  • Veronica Voiceover: Note to self — cue tape for client.

  • Veronica Voiceover: "All fours," huh, Dick? You mess with the bull...

  • Veronica: Funny. No one's come running up to me.

    Meg: It's because people are afraid of you.

    Veronica: Then something's working.

  • Duncan: Wait, you don't have VD? 'Cause I keep gettin' this thing on my lip and I'm not sure who I could've gotten it from....

  • Alicia: The fact that you helped me, even though I was awful to you...you're a very decent man.

    Keith: Yeah, I'd like to think that, but really I just like tossing people out. It's kind of a hobby.

    Alicia: I don't know if you've heard some of the things they say about you....

    Keith: Oh, I know, trust me. I barely let me socialize with myself. I'm a bad influence.

  • Veronica Voiceover: They say the truth will set you free, and I'm looking for the truth in a maximum-security prison. Don't worry: the irony isn't lost with me.

-persnicketier, misskiwi

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