1.03 "Meet John Smith"

Aired Oct 12, 2004

Cultural References

Teen People (Literature)

"Yeah, she's cute in a Hilary Duff, meet-you-at-the-galleria, Teen People kind of way. She's not hot."

Yeah, 'cause we giggling, teenage girls only know cute, and, and you boys are so mean to make fun of us and, and so dirty. You only want to see naked breasts! When it first started in 1998, Teen People magazine was a huge success, tapping into the rapacious public thirst for celebrity and entertainment news and repackaging it for teenagers, and, particularly, for teenage girls. It was de rigeur for girls in the know. Freshman Owen's comments, as he and his friends score the girls of Neptune High, illustrate gender differences in adjudging beauty.

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The Bible (Religion, Folklore, and Urban Legends)

"Have you been playing nice with the other children?"
"You know, Dad, I'm old school. An eye for an eye."
"I think that's actually Old Testament."

Whatever one's religious beliefs, one does have to wonder why the Old Testament is still around. Wasn't the New Testament supposed to, you know, replace it? Didn't Christ teach us, for example, to turn the other cheek? So what place does Exodus 21:23-27 have in the Christian mindset: "If anyone injures his neighbor, whatever he has done must be done to him: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. As he has injured the other, so he is to be injured." Veronica admits to keeping her cheeks taut and firm as she adheres to the OT principles of retributive justice.

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Matrix Reloaded (Movies)

Matrix Regurgitated.

See all references about The Matrix
Consenting Adults (Movies)
Body Heat (Movies)

"Excellent recommendation as always. Thank you."
"Oh, yeah. Kevin Spacey is so amazing in this. And you should check out Body Heat.
"Last time I was in, you mentioned Body Heat. Do you have that on DVD?"
Hey, Justin, did you special order Body Heat for someone? Here it is.
"Hello?... Julia?... It's Justin. Hey, listen. That copy of Body Heat you wanted came in…"

Ewwww. Not for Consenting Adults, the 1992 thriller which Julia returns to the video store and in which Kevin Spacey is indeed amazing as the treacherous Eddy Otis. Nor for Spacey himself, who's more often fine meat than ham. Nor for William Hurt and Kathleen Turner's hot, hot, hot bodies performances in a minor classic of 1982 (and so good the VM team mentions it four times!). It's because, dude, you're recommending her these sexy movies and...and...she's your dad!

Slap Shot (Movies)

"There's only so many times a girl can watch Slap Shot, you know what I'm saying?"

Paul Newman on ice! What more do you want in a favorite movie? Keith may share Enrico Colantoni's love of ice hockey. Keith may just love to laugh. But we know the secret. Keith lives only for the line: "I may be bald, but at least I'm not chickenshit."

Marlene Dietrich (People)

Any self-respecting video store is going to pay homage to the wonder that was the Blue Angel. Her husky vibes, her lean bod, her charming accent are as embedded in American culture as a rich diet.

The Cowboys (Movies)

"I got The Cowboys too, just in case we need a backup."

The moviepalooza continues in the video store as Keith shows his sentimental streak, choosing to watch, for the sixth time, John Wayne whipping young boys. Sentimental...sadistic. What's the diff?

Beatles (Music)

"Hey, have you noticed that the new kid in town has, uh, been all over your trailer-park ex?"
"Let it be, Logan."
"Okay, nowhere man, you be the fool on the hill. See if I care."

The Beatles were something like the N'Sync of the 1960s, only with bowl cuts and actual talent; they also might be yet another example of a pop cultural reference soaring slightly past the desired demographic. Fortunately though, all the citizens of Neptune seem to accumulate the equivalent of a Cultural Studies Bachelor's knowledge before finishing grade school, so duel-quoting Fab Four songs such as "Let It Be," "Nowhere Man," and "Fool on the Hill" might not be completely amiss for non-nerdy rich kids Duncan and Logan.

Who's Who bio: The Beatles
311 (Music)

"I-I just burned a few songs for you. It has the new 311 on there."

Justin is so sweet, giving Veronica a home-burned CD. In 2004, this rapcore/punk rock/reggae band's new one was probably a cover of the Cure's "Love Song." Aww, ain't unrequited love grand?

America's Funniest Home Videos (TV)

"So we get the idea to make it onto America's Funniest Home Videos with this fake shark plan."

Warning: rant follows. Why, God, why? Why did you invent cheap reality television? Why did you make people like it and networks make huge profits from it? When did entertainment become any idiot with a camera and quality drama something that had to struggle to survive? /Rant. AFHV shows people's home movies. It's on prime-time television. A lot of people watch it. The networks get rich on it because there are no writers or actors or directors or producers showing their talent to be paid. Just people like Duncan and Troy, faking a shark attack.

Happy Days (TV)

"I'm kinda-I'm kind of tired of this song."
On the table is a mini-jukebox. Troy bangs his fist on it, to no effect.
"I would have expected sex had that worked."
"Had that worked, you would have gotten it. Try it again."

It always worked for the Fonz.

See all references about Happy Days
Mission:Impossible (Movies, TV)

"You might want to take a look at that."
"Why, is it going to self-destruct in five seconds?"

Cinnamon Carter. Rollin Hand. Barney and Willy. Daniel Briggs and Jim Phelps. These were the members of the original team, circa 1966. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to wipe clean the public memory of the inferior movies starring Tom Cruise and return these individuals and the original TV show to their rightful iconic place in the TV firmament. As always, should you or any of your I:M force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck.

Who's Who bio: Tom Cruise
Kung Fu (TV)

"Ooooh, Grasshopper too slow for Kung-Fu Master. If you can take the flask out of my hand then you will be new master."

Ooooh, young reader. Too young to remember Kwai Chang Caine. His mentor blind Master Po. Called Caine Glasshoppa. Taught him ways of Shaolin monk. Caine killed and fled China to old west. Searched for half-brother many years. On journey, many to help. Hands and feet deadly weapons. Much philosophizing. Duncan has been blind but now sees with drug-free eyes. Duncan tempts another insect called Logan.

Grease (Movies)

"Wait, wait, wait. Guys! Check it out guys. Six guys. Bleachers. Jump in when you're feeling this, okay? Summer loving had me a blast."

Duncan sings a few lines of "Summer Nights" on the bleachers as the rest of the 09ers wonder exactly what was in that flask. John Travolta he ain't.

"Brown Eyed Handsome Man" (Music)

"Mom always turns off the radio when they play 'Brown Eyed Handsome Man' because it reminds her of Dad."

Embittered with issues of abandonment,
She let the lie of his demise stand
And Justin's mom barred him the filial journey
Said forget that brown eyed man
And the song by Chuck Berry of that brown eyed man

Dunkin' Donuts (Organizations, Companies, and Products)

"Clue in, Donut. It doesn't add up. You know that deep down inside. I wish you'd just admit it to yourself. Break out of your stupor. Wake up."

Yummy doughnuts with five million different toppings, Dunkin' Donuts are all over America, providing sugar and starch to the masses. Poor Duncan. No wonder life looks better through a haze of antidepressants if it means not having your dead sister turn up and call you Donut.

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