1.01 "Pilot"

Aired Sep 22, 2004


  • Veronica Voiceover: This is my school. If you go here, your parents are either millionaires, or your parents work for millionaires. Neptune, California: a town without a middle class.

  • Mrs. Murphy: Congratulations, you're my volunteer. Pope. An Essay on Man. Epistle I.

    Veronica: "Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
    Man never Is, but always To be blest:
    The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
    Rests and expatiates in a life to come."

    Mrs. Murphy: And what do you suppose Pope meant by that?

    Veronica: Life's a bitch until you die.

  • Veronica <3 Clemmons

    Sacks: Veronica Mars. This should be good.

    Clemmons: Veronica, would you please open your locker?

    Veronica: Wow, this is a little embarrassing.

  • Veronica Voiceover: Duncan Kane. Son of software billionaire Jake Kane, he used to be my boyfriend. Then one day, with no warning, he ended things.

  • I want YOU for the Jackass Army!

    Veronica Voiceover: And let's not forget Logan Echolls. His dad makes twenty million a picture. You probably own his action figure. Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours.

  • Weevil: Sister, the only time I care what a woman has to say is, is when she's riding my big old hog, but even then it's not so much words, just a bunch of oohs and aahs, you know?

    Veronica: So it's big, huh?

    Weevil: Legendary.

    Veronica: Well, let's see it. I mean, if it's as big as you say, I'll be your girlfriend. [gasp] We could go to prom together! What? What seems to be the problem? I'm on a schedule here, vato.

    Felix: Dude, Weevil, don't let blondie talk to you like that!

    Veronica: Sounds like your buddy here wants to see it too.

  • Sheriff Lamb: You need to go see the wizard. Ask him for some guts.

  • Cliff: I heard you but your dad's out tracking down bail jumpers half the time and yet somehow all the cases that come in here still get handled. How is that?

    Veronica: We're efficient.

    She sure is efficient with the lip gloss.
  • Cliff: One of my clients, Loretta Cancun, dances at the Seventh Veil...

    Veronica: Classy.

    Cliff: These are my people, V. She was busted for vandalism, taking a baseball bat to the washing machine that stole her quarters at Suds'n'Duds.

    Veronica: And Johnnie Cochran was booked.

    Cliff: I make no apologies. I like this case, it's tawdry.

  • Veronica: If you think we're gonna talk about my school day and not the fact that Celeste Kane was in your office 10 minutes ago, you're deluded.

  • Keith: And Veronica, when you go after Jake Kane, you take backup.

    Go for the groin! Good boy!
  • At the carwash, at the carwash, YEAH!

    Veronica: God, Lilly, I see the Prozac's working.

    Lilly: High on life, Veronica Mars. I've got a secret, a good one.

  • Logan: So does your...uh...does your dad still think that Lilly's father did this? That's my girlfriend. Your friend. Duncan's sister. Your dad is destroying the Kane family. What's the matter with you people, huh? What's the matter with you?

  • Weevil: Why you care so much for that skinny negro anyway? Things I heard about you, he must really lay the pipe right, huh.

  • Taserriffic!

    Weevil: All right, all right, all right. Felix, we get it. You're a badass, okay? But for once, don't be stupid.

  • Weevil: One week. After that, we come for you, your boy, and your little dog too.

  • Weevil: You get lonely out here, remember, Weevil love you long time.

    Veronica Voiceover: Quite a reputation I've got, huh. You wanna know how I lost my virginity? So do I.

    Thumbs up in Roman times means kill.
  • Logan: Hey, Ronnie. Hey, we've decided that we'd, uh, we'd rather surf than study today, you wanna come with? Duncan will promise to take his shirt off. Does that sweeten the pot? Does it make you horny? Hey, DK, flex for your ex.

  • Wallace: Girl, you should hear what people say about you.

    Veronica: So then what are you doing sitting here?

    Wallace: You sat next to me.

    Veronica: This is my table.

    Wallace: And what a fine table it is. What do you suppose this is made of? Oak?

  • Keith: Who's your daddy?

    Veronica: Ugh. I hate it when you say that.

  • Keith: You know what, this is important. You remember this: I used to be cool.

    Veronica: When?

    Keith: '77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, a foxy stacked blonde riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Aw, wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything, I was never cool.

    Veronica: I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked"....

  • Keith: No sack dinners tonight! Tonight, we eat like the lower middle class to which we aspire.

  • Wallace: Hey, Flo-Jo, slow your ass down.

  • Getchyourown!

    Wallace: We could get in a lot of trouble for this.

    Veronica: Give it here.

    Wallace: Wait, I'm gonna do it. I just thought one of us should state the obvious.

  • Chief: Well, if it isn't Smokey the Barely Legal.

  • If this were Discworld, then it would be spelled

    Sheriff Lamb: Is there anyone in particular you'd like me to arrest or should I just round up the sons of the most important families in town? I've got not a shred of evidence to work with here, but that really doesn't matter to your family, now does it. Mmmm...look at this. She cries. I'll tell you what, Veronica Mars, why don't you go see the wizard. Ask for a little backbone.

  • Wallace: Oh no you don't. You really think I'm gonna let you get away with that? That might play with the masses, but underneath that angry young woman shell, there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars. A twinkie.

  • Logan: You know what your little joke cost me?

    Veronica: Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.

  • Wallace: I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.

    Veronica: Be cool, Sodapop.

  • Weevil: My uncle has a body shop on the highway. If you come in, you know, I can make sure your body gets the full service treatment.

    Veronica: Okay, now you apologize.

    Weevil: I'm sorry, was that too dirty? 'Cause —

    Veronica: Not to me, dork.

  • Veronica Voiceover: Okay, it's a long shot but I can't help myself. I used to think I knew what tore our family apart. Now I'm sure I don't. But I promise this: I will find out what really happened, and I will bring this family back together again. I'm sorry, is that mushy? Well, you know what they say: Veronica Mars, she's a marshmallow.

-Inigo, persnicketier, misskiwi

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